I always feel so misunderstood, and I wish people would give me the grace I give them.
This is a VERY long rant. I hope it is coherent. My thought flow is not very organized in this post so I apologize in advance. I havent been sleeping and my mind is in a tizzy.
Mother in law got piss drunk and high as fuck tonight. tested me on a lot. She questioned why my interactions are so "analytical", why I'm so in my head, whether I was being genuine or not. She accused me of wanting to manipulate her and calculating my plan to take advantage of her. She likes me, she was so blacked out and talking nonsense. Shes been wronged before, so I understand why she would have her doubts. It is reasonable, to an extent. But it still hurts that she would even believe for a second that I'm that kind of person. (Im also diagnosed autistic as fuck and so is my mother, so that doesnt help)
Problem is, I know I can come off that way to people who dont know me well enough. It's not that I'm manipulative at all. I have no bad faith intentions. Its because I like to "sit on the fence", so to speak. I try to be conscious of all perspectives on life. I like to take all of those perspectives and weigh them out to come to the most rational and objective conclusion. Which varies wildly depending on the situation. Unfortunately for me, this looks like I'm people pleasing and appeasing others with ill intent. In reality, I simply value having an open mind. I am constantly adapting, as are my beliefs, and I try to give everybody's point of view a fair chance. Just as I would like others to do for me. I equate objectivity with honesty and integrity. I may change my skin to best fit who I am interacting with, but it makes perfect sense to me, because I value the harmony of my interpersonal relationships. I think that is logically the best way to get on in society.
I'm not saying any of this like I'm superior for it. I'm not a "facts over feelings" kind of person. I think it is ridiculous to move as though one is better than the other, or that they are mutually exclusive. Thinking and feeling both have their own good purposes in life. I definitely have feelings. My problem is how awful I am at recognizing, understanding, and expressing them. I think people pick up on that and assume I am inauthentic and disingenuous. I seem aloof because I'm not good at expressing myself!! Not because I'm a master manipulator who wants to pull all the strings! I honestly, truly want whats good for everyone in my life and am always looking out for my loved ones best interests.
She also challenged my inclination to be impulsive. What others dont understand is, what seems impulsive and rash to them, is usually a well thought over decision on my part. I may act mostly on gut instinct, but it comes from a subconscious web of information and innate pattern recognition. I do not do anything without considering the most favorable outcomes and possible negative consequences. My choices just dont make sense to some people because they cant see the inner thought processes behind them. And when I try to explain, I get called "defensive". Even when I am not reacting emotionally. I don't think I am a defensive person? I'm just trying to explain my logic in a way that makes sense to others. I do my best to not get upset when my motives are challenged. I just think I would be doing people a disservice by not explaining my reasoning when they call it into question. Defensive has a negative connotation that I do not think aligns with who I really am. If I realize I'm in the wrong, or somebody has a better point, I have no shame in admitting it. But if somebody is questioning my judgement when I know I'm doing whats right, of course I'm going to explain the logic behind it!
And It's not that I always need to be RIGHT, it's that I don't want to live and think "wrong". I consider this a weakness of mine. How I see things (my mental framework) is constantly changing. Which can be both good and bad. My sense of self and morality are subject to turbulence as a result. I am always trying to grow further and further from what I conclude is "wrong" or objectively maladaptive to my situation. Mentally. Physically........ I need to work on holding myself accountable there. I can tweak my belief systems all day, but I cant commit to improving my physical routine to save my fucking life.
All I want is for people to understand the way i tick. Because I am pretty keen on understanding other people's ways of thinking and living. Having a well informed understanding of those around me is a social necessity, IMO. In all cases, nuance is important to me.
Socializing and existing in general is so nerve wracking despite that, because I am definitely not aware of my physical surroundings like a lot of other people are. I am overwhelmed with anxiety constantly. My body picks up on things before I do, and it reacts accordingly. Rationalizing my feelings and the nature of the world eases that slightly. Inner reasoning gives me a sense of control over an otherwise unpredictable physical environment. It makes me feel safe and secure. Another weakness of mine. Its why I struggle with addiction, why I am paralyzed with worry and mental fatigue when I wake up each morning. I am prone to enable myself into bad habits and get figuratively stuck, my mind spinning in endless circles. I am extremely adaptable and resourceful, but it comes at the cost of my mental health.
Living in the moment often feels like torture to me. I would rather lock myself away in the figurative prison that is my shit brain. Introspection and intuition are both my greatest gifts and most dire curses.
I know I can be aloof, disorganized, unmotivated, hyperactive, argumentative, not present, addictive, a fencesitter. But we all have our deficiencies, and I try my best not to let mine become anyone else's problem. I just want to vent about this in a place where I think people would understand. Please feel free to comment whatever you think. Id like to see if anyone can relate. Or if there's something I'm missing, could be doing better, if I'm just wrong about something in general. I want healthy discussion. It can be random. It can be critical. It can be supportive. I just want to hear from you all.