u/Healthy_Ladder_6198

Farm life

Two older sisters inherit their family farm in rural America.

After a few tough years, money gets tight, and they’re at risk of losing everything.

To save the farm, they decide they need a bull so they can start breeding their own cattle.

The older sister says, “I’ll take the bus to the livestock auction. You keep the pickup truck ready.

If I find a good bull, I’ll send you a message so you can come get me with the trailer.”

Off she goes, hoping to find a bargain.

At the auction, she finds the perfect bull.

The seller says, “Price is $599—take it or leave it.”

She counts her money, sighs, and hands it over, leaving herself with just one dollar.

She heads into town and stops at the old telegraph office.

“I need to send a message to my sister,” she says.

The clerk replies, “Sure thing, ma’am—99 cents per word.”

She pauses, thinking hard, then smiles.

“Alright,” she says, “send just one word… ‘comfortable.’”

The clerk looks confused and says, “How in the world will she know what you mean?”

The sister grins and says, “Oh, she’ll figure it out.

She’s not the fastest reader, so she’ll sound it out nice and slow…

com-for-da-bull.”

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u/Healthy_Ladder_6198 — 10 hours ago

Seen a the little league game

The coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players over and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is?
What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the boy.

"Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a team?"

The boy nodded in yes.

The coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head or spit at him. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the boy nodded yes.

And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb ass or throw things at him, is it?"

"No, coach.”

Good," said the coach, "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandma!”

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u/Healthy_Ladder_6198 — 20 hours ago

My brother’s wedding

I was the best man at my brother’s wedding in Paris. At the reception, I raised my champagne glass and said, “Eggs, cinnamon, bread, and maple syrup…”

It was a French toast.

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u/Healthy_Ladder_6198 — 20 hours ago

Apparently you're supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.

Apparently you're supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain. A huge apology to that lady at the Waffle House. I was only trying to help.

reddit.com
u/Healthy_Ladder_6198 — 2 days ago
▲ 1.2k r/dadjokes

Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint

Terrorist: "Say your last words!"
Dad: "Your last words!"
Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"
Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"
Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"
Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."
Terrorist: "What's a 'henway?
Dad: "About a pound and a half."
Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!"
Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"

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u/Healthy_Ladder_6198 — 2 days ago

Eve the beautiful fairy had the power to bring life to the world with her poop.

She had been wandering the forest near the king's palace looking for a place for a place to take a nice dump and she found one –
a nice pile of leaves.

Once finished, she noticed the dead flowers around her bloom
as if it were spring. Unbeknowst
Eve, the poop itself came to life
in the form of a little girl.

The girl awoke from the pile of leaves and started exploring her new found home. She came across two people talking softly in a small clearing in the forest and hid behind a tree out of fear.

It was the king and his advisor, quietly and secretly discussing the capture of the Poop Fairy in order to of bring the king's beloved back to life.

The king saw something move
and stopped talking further

When he noticed the little girl behind the tree he exclaimed,
“She's Eve's dropping!”

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u/Healthy_Ladder_6198 — 3 days ago
▲ 201 r/3amjokes

“Can you take off the corset, I can't breathe!"a woman said to her husband.

Sure, if it will make you stop laughing and tell me how I look in it.”he replied.

reddit.com
u/Healthy_Ladder_6198 — 3 days ago
▲ 760 r/dadjokes

“Can you take off the corset, I can't breathe!"a woman said to her husband.

Sure, if it will make you stop laughing and tell me how I look in it.”he replied.

reddit.com
u/Healthy_Ladder_6198 — 3 days ago

“Can you take off the corset, I can't breathe!"a woman said to her husband.

Sure, if it will make you stop laughing and tell me how I look in it.”he replied.

reddit.com
u/Healthy_Ladder_6198 — 3 days ago

“Can you take off the corset, I can't breathe!"a woman said to her husband.

Sure, if it will make you stop laughing and tell me how I look in it.”he replied.

reddit.com
u/Healthy_Ladder_6198 — 3 days ago

An inventor friend of mine created a thought-controlled air freshener.

An inventor friend of mine created a thought-controlled air freshener. It sounded like a ridiculous idea, but he said it makes scents when you think about it.

reddit.com
u/Healthy_Ladder_6198 — 3 days ago
▲ 677 r/dadjokes

Military affairs

I was having an affair with my superior officer, she was beautiful. But it was too weird, too strained by the fact that I was a private and she a Sergeant. So I pulled her aside one day and said, 'listen Tina, I have to break it off, it's getting too difficult to keep going'. But she was mad at me and she started crying. I tried to console her, I said 'Don't cry for me Sergeant Tina!"

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u/Healthy_Ladder_6198 — 4 days ago

My wife rushed me out the door this morning to go grocery shopping

. I was frantically getting ready, got distracted, and accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth instead of mouthwash. Everything seemed fine until I tried asking a store clerk for help and they couldn’t understand a word I was saying.

Apparently... I was speaking with a weird Axe-cent.

reddit.com
u/Healthy_Ladder_6198 — 4 days ago

I used to tend bar at a little place across the street from a hospital here in town.

One afternoon, a guy walked in wearing a hospital gown, dragging an IV stand still hooked up to his arm.

I figured it was unusual, but around here, you learn not to ask too many questions.

I asked what he’d like, and without missing a beat he said, “I’ll take two beers, two stouts, four whiskey and cokes, three gin and tonics, and six shots of tequila.”

It sounded like he was stocking a party, but he was all alone.

Still, customer’s a customer, so I got to work pouring everything he ordered.

One by one, I lined the drinks up across the bar, and he started knocking them back like there was no tomorrow.

Beer, then cocktails, then straight to the tequila—shot after shot, quick as you like.

Didn’t even pause for breath, just kept going till every last drop was gone.

He let out a sigh, looked at me real serious, and said, “I really shouldn’t have done that with what I’ve got.”

I said, “Oh yeah? What have you got?”

He said, “About four bucks.

See less

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u/Healthy_Ladder_6198 — 5 days ago

Once in Vegas I lost half of my life savings in 30 minutes, still hurts thinking about it…

To this day when I’m in Vegas, I won’t drive anywhere near that wedding chapel

reddit.com
u/Healthy_Ladder_6198 — 6 days ago