u/Heavy_Dragonfly2555

Objectively it was fine but going into it I expected so much more than what it was? I was so bored it wasn't anything exciting for what everyone is saying it is

I decided to wait a few days so I could sit and think about what had happened before with my girlfriend and I talked to her last night. I asked while she was at work if last night would be okay to talk and she said no, which Is okay I had no plans to push for it.

She got home we talked for a bit. She vented about her emotions. And the topic came up so she pushed me for what I had to say. I told her how much it hurt me to read her message even if she took it back almost immediately after (deleting it) and that she of course is allowed to be frustrated but it isn't okay for her to react like that. And she came back with what I can only describe as a lecture. She said she had said it in a healthy way, I assume for her, because this had become resentment.

My girlfriend admitted to resenting me for a lack of sex. That 99% of the time is not my fault. We try and plan but we both still live at home so our houses aren't options, cops are out a lot where we live so we have to be careful about having sex in my car, and sometimes there just simply isn't any time. Even when we don't have sex there are few nights without sexting. But she admitted to it being resentment. She changed the message because she said she didn't mean for it to come out like that.

She didn't apologize till I asked. More than once.

I feel so lost. She's so angry at everything and I think it's just coming out on me. I love her so much but I don't know what to do. I can't just stay and keep getting hurt when she doesn't apologize or acknowledge the things she does wrong. Why can't I be enough for her to change and build herself?

ORIGINAL POST: https://www.reddit.com/r/FTMMen/s/lQzgkYsIHw

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Me and my gf were going to have sex tonight. We were planning on it we were both super excited and I hung out at her work through her shift to hang out on her breaks and everything. But I got super fucking dysphoric about myself, my body, how I sound, her liking her new cis male coworker fucking all of it and it just never goes well when we try to have sex for either of us and she feels like I'm not into it which makes her feel insecure so we just don't even try ONLY to read a text message telling me that's she's mad and upset to have waited all day just for it to change because I got dysphoric and she can have her feelings but that is the most hurtful thing she's ever said to me.

EDIT: I was dysphoric before she started talking about the guy, for hours before

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Me and my gf were going to have sex tonight. We were planning on it we were both super excited and I hung out at her work through her shift to hang out on her breaks and everything. But I got super fucking dysphoric about myself, my body, how I sound, her liking her new cis male coworker fucking all of it and it just never goes well when we try to have sex for either of us and she feels like I'm not into it which makes her feel insecure so we just don't even try ONLY to read a text message telling me that's she's mad and upset to have waited all day just for it to change because I got dysphoric and she can have her feelings but that is the most hurtful thing she's ever said to me.l

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Okay so to start, I have been through two therapists both who have recognized me with autism, bipolar, major depression, and OCD. I pushed back with my first therapist on medication because I have a history of drugs in my family and the very idea of having to rely on a drug to feel okay about my pathetic life is my worst fear.

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My second therapist got me onto an antidepressant that I can't remember the name of. I was exhausted more than I ever had been. I'd talked to my mom about my problems which I never had and have never felt comfortable with. They didn't make me feel any better. I don't know that they made me feel worse but they didn't help me. At some point I went through into Safeway to get my refill and it wasn't ready.

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Okay whatever, I asked how long. Id have to wait forty minutes to get four pills and have to come back another day for the rest. I live thirty minutes away I wasn't going to do that especially when I was working six days out of the week till midnight. I told them no and that I'd be back but I never wrnt back. I didn't have the time. Or honestly the motivation. I was so busy and I didn't want them so why would I have to be on them right? Eventually I even lost my insurance so I wouldn't have access to them.

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Four pills is such a joke anyways.

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That's my backstory on the antidepressants. Now onto tonight.

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I started watching Next to Normal (11/10 musical btw) and I was texting my girlfriend about it because it's her favorite musical of all time. During Who's Crazy / My Psychopharmacologist and I I texted my girlfriend telling her this is my worst nightmare. The main character has bipolar and is just on a cocktail of drugs. That is my worst nightmare. My girlfriend stopped taking her antidepressants before I met her and we started talking about it. She said she stopped because she didn't want to rely on drugs either, my same reason, and I said yeah that's why I stopped taking them. She stopped the conversation and claimed she didn't know that. She's actually fairly angry with me now.

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But the thing is I know for a fact we've talked about it. I told her I never went back. Which was probably eight months ago. She thought I was on them still. She said she has no recollection which, I'm sorry, is not my problem. I know what happened and she tuned me out. She tells me she doesn't always listen, which is fine I talk a lot. If she doesn't remember it's because she didn't listen.

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We have conversations about things like this a lot. Anti depressents. How bad I don't want them and never have. Anti psychotics is the same thing the only difference is I need them to manage myself and I am trying to get on them when I get insurance. Which, by the way, is so I can be better for my girlfriend.

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So am I the Asshole?

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I have been dating my girlfriend now for almost a year and a half, I've known her for two. She has bipolar disorder, psychopathy, anxiety and depression. I have bipolar disorder, sociopathy, ocd, and autism. All are recognized and/or diagnosed by professionals.

The issue with that is that I have a hard time telling what I'm feeling. I learned to hide it and to mimick other people's emotions and behaviors in a way to appear more normal and likeable and it's worked for the most part. I get a long with a lot of people and I tend to be pretty social even if I hate it. I don't know how to identify what emotions are mine or a mirror off of someone elses. Super fucking fun to deal with sometimes.

My girlfriend has some pretty bad depressive episodes, and I do too but hers last longer and she at least voices them more than me so they appear to be worse. Sometimes our episodes overlap and she asks me close to every time I tell her I'm suicidal if I'm just mirroring her.

My problem is I don't know.

I've struggled with suicidal tendencies and thoughts for most of my life so it's not out of the blue to be suicidal for me even if I don't act on it. But is it just a coincidence that it's overlapping her or am I genuinely mirroring her? How can I tell the difference when it feels genuine to me either way?

I have been sober for almost a year. I fucking hate it. I know what i am i know i cant i know all it is is hurtful and painful to everyone around me but i just dont fucking care. I want to drink. I want to dtink and drink and drink and get fucking blacked out and not remember how much pain I'm in all the goddamn time. Weed, selfharm, it doesnt matter it isnt the same it doesnt help the way a drink did. I used to steal it, because im underage. From neighbors unlocked trucks, from stores, from my first job. Big pockets are useful for that. Id put it in my water bottle and no one could fucking tell the dofference. They liked me. I used to bring it to school. I used to bring it to the same job i stole it from. But i hurt less. I wasnt cutting or starving or purging or getting high. It was just a drink. And god it made me feel better. I just want that again. I want to feel hetter i want a goddamn fucking drink and i cant have it.