u/HelpSeeker77

He was only my friend for a few months online, but we got along so well. We both are 22.
I struggle a lot making friends coz im autistic so I was super happy and grateful for a friend who played the same games as me and seemed to genuinely like being around me.
We never fought, never had a disagreement, nothing as far as im aware .

On my birthday he promised he’d play a game with me, and he seemed super happy and excited and I was excited. Then, just a few hours later, he blocked me on every thing even roblox.

I did the bad thing and reached out to him a day later on a different account, he said something like hes sorry and its his defense mechanism or something and he wasnt interested in the game we play anymore. I said im sorry and we could talk about it and find something new to play..

He promised hed never do it again, but he blocked me on everything the next morning.

I dont know why, but every other night, I have had nightmares that he came back and was awful to me.

On the first night, I had a nightmare that he unblocked me and was really angry because I had forgot HIS birthday..?

Another night, he came back and was really angry at me.
Another night, he told me he’d come back if I paid him to be my friend. I said yes, he said lol and blocked me.
Another night i dreamt that he came back and he told me that he was going through a lot and he couldnt come back..

Last night I dreamt that he came back and talked to me like I was less than human, like garbage. I dont remember what he said but it was awful.

Its been like 11 days since it happeend? And i wont STOP having nightmares like this. Him leaving doesnt hurt as much anymore but the nightmares are persisting.

Has anyone else experienced this?? It feels like my brain is making fun of me or something. Its humiliating. Im just tryna get through this because i know its going to be a good LONG time before I find anyone who i got along with as well as him. And my brain keeps resurfacing this pain almost every night.

I am from the US, I am looking for someone to hang out with me.
I am going through a bit of a depressive episode right now and would just love the company. I like to listen, so if you have anything you like to talk about I am all ears.
I can also play games with you if youd like on pc. Ill get any game if its free or cheap to play with you, I dont mind. :3

I am central time and stay up very late most nights.
We can do tasks together in silence or talking or watching somethingg… like I reallly need to clean my room lol.
Or we can just watch something together, (gimme recommendations, I dont know anything xd)

I am awkward at first, like super awkward. But if we get along and the vibes are right, I am sure we can be good friends :3

22f have rheumatoid arthritis and im not yet medicated for it, but when I will be, ill be on humira (methotrexate didnt work, kept having bad side effects). And I know it suppresses the immune system which is why I am so terrified of going to classes like that.
Since youre so up close with others, sharing sweat and germs. And also on the same mat as the children’s class, and children have lots of germs….

I went to them before a couple years ago before my arthritis got bad. I did BJJ and before that taekwondo.
I cant explain just how much I LOVED doing it.
I am autistic and I absolutely love the feeling of exerting all of my energy and being basically dead at the end of the day lol.
I love the feeling of fighting people, the entire time Im just giggling like a moron because it is so fun.
I went to the gym too, i did so much.
I now am 22 and I am so worried that once treatment starts working and will have the time to assess just how much it ends up affecting my immune system, ill be too old to go back.
I dont know how natural bodies age. Is there a certain point when you cant start anymore?

Sorry for my ignorance.
All I hear all of the time is that "it will just get worse as you age." "Just wait till youre 30" and a lot of complaints about awful back issues and things, along with tightness and lack of energy. And I already have pain, lack of energy so l am scared.
What if someday, im going to die, and I will have never done this? This is the one thing I LOVE. I am very depressed right now. Like living amongst trash, not being able to get out of bed even for a drink of water depressed.
And I had a dream last night that I wasnt disabled, that I went back to one of these classes. And I felt happiness for a bit. And now I am thinking about it.

Im only asking will it be too late once Im older? Did I miss out? My whole life ive been depressed and all my sparse dreams and desires keep getting messed over, and Im praying that as I get older it wont be too late, because I honestly dont know what I’ll do.

Does anyone have any experience with this? I am praying I didnt miss out, that I can start. That its not over with for me. I know you cant predict whether my condition will be worse then but thats not what im asking. Just, has anyone started these activities “late?” Can it work and be effective? And anyone elses experiences. Idk im sorry.
Thank you sorry for the weird post. I didnt know where to post it.

I have done nothing every day for so long. I dont work or take classes, i dont eat anything except crackers i keep in my room. My room is disgusting. Im disgusting.
I tried cleaning today, i filled a garbage bag and i got so exhausted i gave up and slept. I dont want to go to sleep because I know ill have to wake up tomorrow.

I agreed to go back to college, it starts in 3 months. I am not going to be able to do it. I wont be well enough. Physically or mentally.
I dont think theres anything here for me in life. Im 22 and been depressed since i was a kid.
My parents kept me locked up in my room for my whole childhood. Not allowed to go to school or see family. Some days not allowed to go outside.
They never gave me the tools to become a person. They let peole taken advantage of me and nobody helped me.

Now im done. Im going to rot here and theyre gonna watch. Nothings new.

Theyre going to watch their kid be the person they raised. I was made for this.
I dont feel human and i dont remember ever feeling human. Im disgusting. Im a leech and i just live off them and i dont even care. I dont care.
When theyre gone and I have to live on my own, im done.

Theres nothing here for me i dont think. I sure wish there was, life seems nice. If only I could feel anything. If only I gave a shit.

I feel a little embarrassed writing this but I have no one to tell or talk about it with.

I had no idea there was a word for how I felt (i hope this is right). For my whole life I’ve never had a crush on anyone.
I could never enjoy porn of any kind, not audios or visual or anything. Instead, trying just hurt my heart because in my head im like.. “I dont know these people. They dont love me.” And if I tried Id kind of just end up sad, or cry.

Ive had a lot of male friends, and the only time I ever felt attraction to anyone was when we were friends for a while and a bond had formed. Then, slowly or suddenly, Id just go crazy for them. Like absolutely bonkers.

Ive also met people who wanted to do sexual acts with me and the entire time I just felt nothing, and even hurt inside. Even if I knew they were very aesthetically pleasing, it wouldnt really make a difference. The bond has to be there otherwise it just feels hollow and meaningless and gross..
I can appreciate aesthetically pleasing people or recognize conventionally attractive people but it does not matter to me. I just look at people like theyre artworks, not potential mates lol.

It sucks because when I get rejected it feels like it hurts a thousand times over. Because not only am I rejected, but im also maybe losing a friend ive come to love for a long time…

Also, I never have had a type. Ive been asked what my type was before and I couldnt answer. Ive loved all kinds of people, their looks never seemed to matter to me once there was a bond. But, once they were nasty to me or treated me poorly, they started looking.. uglier?? Like I could no longer possibly feel sexually attracted to them and the thought felt gross.

I kind of wish I were normal, or whatever its called. Because I am also autistic and it is incredibly hard to find anyone irl. All this stuff only happens online but it still applies apparently.
Im just happy im not alone, though. And I have a word for it now and I am happy. I feel a little less broken. I hope im not mistaken and this is actually demisexuality and Im not going crazy.

on reddit a while ago, I met someone looking for friends online. Together for a few months we had an amazing time playing games together. We are both autistic and the same age. Im 22.

It hurts to write this a lot and I need help somehow.

I think he used me? I dont know what happened. I couldnt sense even a little bit of negativity, that something went wrong.

One days I got drunk and things turned nsfw. It was uncomfortable at first but something got in my head that i should do it so he wont leave. And i did enjoy it too for a bit.

Things stayed that way for only days after. Then my birthday came. He said something like.. he wants to play games with me. That he wanted to do something for my birthday and spend time with me. His tone didnt change, it was all smiley faces and stuff like usual.

I was super excited because it had been a couple days since we played something.

But then, that afternoon, suddenly, i was blocked on everything. Steam and roblox and discord and reddit just everything gone.

I cant get over all the happy memories we had of playing games. Its really really hard for me to find friends and people to play games with. It became like a routine for me, it gave me a reason to eat and wake up in the morning. It helped out my life so much.

Now I just feel totally dead inside.

I messaged him on another account apologizing, saying im sorry if I did something wrong. I said I just wanted to say goodbye.

He responded by apologizing profusely and said it was a defense mechanism, like he needed to escape because he wasnt sure if I still wanted to talk to him?? Or something? And he was getting tired of the game we were playing?

He added me back, promised like crazy he’d never do it again, and then a day later. Blocked again. I never want to talk to him ever again because of what he did.

But i am so confused. Is this normal? Do people do this normally? What is happening? Why did he do this to me? I told him we could talk about any issues and that surely we could find a solution since we seemed to get along so well.

But .. i dont know.. I dont know what I did.. we never fought.. im sad. And Im confused. I just feel so dead. Like I gave him my all and it wasnt good enough. I cant even be angry at him because I cant associate the sweet person he acted like and the things he did.

Please offer any input. Ask questions if confused. I just need to process this somehow and understand what happened. Thank you.

I used to have a wonderful little bird. She made the world feel like magic again. I spent all my savings taking her to vets trying to save her. She died regardless from an unknown cause.

Its been almost a year since she passed and I still think of her.

I am in no place to take care of a bird financially or otherwise.. but I want to try a fish again.

I used to love keeping fish. I kept them for 5 years. Fresh, salt, brackish. Shrimp, all kinds of fish and snails. Plants and macroalgae, I loved doing all that stuff.

I quit because I lost interest in everything due to depression and whatever else. All day I do nothing. No friends, nothing.

I am thinking about setting up a tank for a betta fish. Even though Im afraid of it dying… I cant handle another loss really. I lost so many of my friends lately.

I go the cheap route with 5-10 gal flower pots, bagged river rocks, a sponge filter, some cheap live plants and floaters. Something easy and cheap but good for the fish.

Its just so much work to set up.. id probably start one step at a time. Just leaving my bed is a lot of work right now. I just want to connect with another living thing, even if its just a fish.

Maybe itll never happen. But something in my life needs to change and my head is too fuzzy to really do anything rational.. this seems like something..

I have been nonstop searching for anything to help my loneliness. I went on dating apps straight asking people to pretend to be my bf/friend for a day. I offered payment, went on websites trying to find friends for hire, facebook.

Nobody wants to talk to an autistic freak. It doesnt matter how good you look. It never matters when youre autistic.

I got my online friends and I am so grateful for them. But they come and go.

On my god damned birthday, someone who I thought was one of my best friends blocked me on everything after using me. He came back, said he was sorry, and left again.

I just want to find more people who will use me and abandon me because I feel like thats the best its ever gonna get. Its never going to get better. Even when I know a couple of genuinely good people online its not going to save me. Nothing can fill that nameless void ive got.

I have no job and i cant do shit because im disabled. Im so desperate. Even when i worked I was desperate. I dont even understand how I feel its crazy. I cry just longing for someone. I dont even know what I want.

I am 22f and am autistic and disabled and struggle with talking to people. I have never had a friend irl or really any kind of relationship (i was homeschooled growing up).

The loneliness is crushing and I have been increasingly willing/considering to pay for a friend if it exists. Like hourly.

I told someone i know online and he said that the idea was really sad and dumb but I dont care.

I get out of my comfort zone when Im around people. I like people a lot though my social battery is awfully short.

I have tried vr chat, clubs, job, reddit. But most of those result in online friends that only last max 3 months or nothing.

Even joined a dnd club but I didnt really like it and everyone there were older people.

I never talked to someone my age.

Where can I pay for a friend for a few hours? Like to walk the mall together or get icecream or sit somewhere and talk. Preferably outside. I dont like indoors.

I like the idea because they CAN leave but theyre being paid to put up with me, so its okay if I wear my KN95 mask. I am immunosuppressed and I think my mask also scares people away. I think the idea sounds fun and I am desperate.

Does anyone have advice, thank you.

EDIT:

I really appreciate the comments saying that you will be my friend irl. I do not feel safe giving my location to strangers online. Even if I were to hire someone I would do it in a different city.

If i cared less about myself id do it in a heartbeat. I am sorry

I also appreciate the comments saying that I should do the following:

Volunteer

Join groups

Bumble friends

Walk dogs

I am here because I have done all of those ten times over. I am physically disabled and cannot walk dogs, do physical labor, etc.

i have done all that my location has to offer.

I have done bumble and I will try again but once again this isnt what I asked. I get it if you have no answer.

I feel as though I cannot try anymore. i have tried everything my whole life and if I keep putting in this effort I will go insane. I just want a good day with someone. No more angry days where I try so hard. Days of therapy, reading books, trying things that my body cant really tolerate.

I dont care if ill never see them again. I dont care anything anymore. I am really sorry to be a disappointment guys but again I appreciate the replies a lot. Just know, that I have heard everything. And done everything. Followed every advice.

I have no hobbies or interests. I am very depressed and I have nothing about me. I do not even listen to music. I cannot relate to others. I cant explain much else.

Hi, I am looking for anyone to hang out with often. We can play games, talk, watch movies, it doesnt matter.

I am autistic and am not super great with socializing but I am always here and enjoy talking.

I dont have many interests so talking about those might be difficult.

Games I play: roblox, vr chat, 7 days to die, minecraft java.

Sorry not much but I can get more if you want to play with me. I always like trying new things.

I am a pretty lonely person so I dont mind doing pretty much anything together through call. I do VERY much prefer voice call!

Thank you to whoever replies.