u/Killorbecome00

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Okay, this is a long post, im sorry but thank you for reading. F26 I identify as Bi for now

Iv been thinking about my relationship with sex a lot lately, and I'm realizing I don't really understand myself when it comes to intimacy.

For context, when I was a kid, another kid repeatedly sexually harassed me on the school bus. He would put his hands under my clothes, down my underwear, up my bra, grab my head and force me to kiss them, etc. I don't want to minimize it, but I've always thought, “It wasn't that bad. I wasn't raped. Other people have been through worse.” For the most part, I feel like I've moved past it.

growing up, I was terrified of sexual contact. I couldn't even comfortably hold hands with people I dated. My first kiss wasn't until I was 17, and she was the first person I felt safe enough with to do anything with.

My spouse is my first serious relationship and the first person I decided i wanted to be sexually intimate with out of want and not obligation. I love them and im atracted to them

When I was finally able to be intimate with them, I thought I had somehow overcome this huge thing I'd been afraid of my whole life.

Then I found out my spouse is asexual.

I didn't take that very well at first. I had this belief that sex was necessary for a relationship, and that I needed to “get over” my fear of it in order to be a functional partner and be in a relationship. Looking back, I'm not sure where that belief came from. My best friend is ace, and now my spouse so iv known what asexuality is for a very long time.

The confusing part is that I'm STILL weird about sex.

I've had three sexual partners in my entire life, and with every one of them I've felt like I'm forcing myself to participate. Sex just feels like... something you're supposed to do. Or just an activity. When I have sex i dont think i feel what your suposed to be feeling. With my spouse less that im forcing myself and more of 'oh, this is happening now' if that makes sense.

I don't really feel like I can get into it with another person. I don't feel naturally drawn toward it.

That makes me wonder what exactly is going on.

Maybe my childhood experience affected me more than I realized. Maybe I've developed some kind of fear around sexual vulnerability. Maybe I'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum. Maybe it's both. Maybe there's something else entirely.

Iv told my spouse im specifically not ace, im not sure why but that lable dosent feel right for me even though it would describe alot. I think im still figuring out myself at the moment.

I don't want to force myself to have sex just to prove I'm okay. But I also don't want to assume that I'm permanently “broken” because I had a bad experience as a kid.

And I feel...stunted. when it comes to my spouse. I love them deeply and feel safe with them, but I don't know how to fully open up to them sexually. I don't know how to explain that sex can feel like an obligation even when I'm attracted to them. Maybe obligation is the wrong word. I've never really been able to put that into words that make sense. Sometimes during sex i panic, I dont know what to do even though iv done it a million times with them. I joke and say "i dont know im scared" sometimes just because I feel like i have no idea what im doing. Sex is just such a point of stress for me

I'm also starting to realize that I haven't really talked about any of this in therapy. I do DBT, so most of our conversations are about current problems and coping skills. My therapist doesn't know about the childhood sexual harassment, or a lot of the other things I've been through. I've been afraid to bring it up, partly because I'm scared of oversharing and partly because he's a man and I've only ever had female therapists before. Talking about sexual things with him feels uncomfortable.

I actually considered making up a story about something triggering me so I could use that as an excuse to start talking about the memories. Then I realized I absolutely don't want to lie to my therapist. Therapy is one place where I want to be completely honest.

So I guess I'm finally trying to be honest somewhere.

I don't really know what I'm asking. Maybe I just want to know if anyone else has experienced something similar—where trauma, attraction, love, and sexual desire don't seem to line up neatly.

How do you figure out whether something is trauma-related versus simply how you're wired? And if you've spent years believing you should want sex, how did you figure out what you actually wanted?

TL;DR: I experienced sexual harassment as a child and have always struggled with intimacy. Even though I love and am attracted to my partner. I'm trying to figure out whether that's trauma, asexuality, or simply how I'm wired.

Okay, this is a long post, im sorry but thank you for reading. F26 I identify as Bi for now

Iv been thinking about my relationship with sex a lot lately, and I'm realizing I don't really understand myself when it comes to intimacy.

For context, when I was a kid, another kid repeatedly sexually harassed me on the school bus. He would put his hands under my clothes, down my underwear, up my bra, grab my head and force me to kiss them, etc. I don't want to minimize it, but I've always thought, “It wasn't that bad. I wasn't raped. Other people have been through worse.” For the most part, I feel like I've moved past it.

growing up, I was terrified of sexual contact. I couldn't even comfortably hold hands with people I dated. My first kiss wasn't until I was 17, and she was the first person I felt safe enough with to do anything with.

My spouse is my first serious relationship and the first person I decided i wanted to be sexually intimate with out of want and not obligation. I love them and im atracted to them

When I was finally able to be intimate with them, I thought I had somehow overcome this huge thing I'd been afraid of my whole life.

Then I found out my spouse is asexual.

I didn't take that very well at first. I had this belief that sex was necessary for a relationship, and that I needed to “get over” my fear of it in order to be a functional partner and be in a relationship. Looking back, I'm not sure where that belief came from. My best friend is ace, and now my spouse so iv known what asexuality is for a very long time.

Part of the reason I reacted to badly to my spouse saying theyr ace is because there was a part of me thinking... who is the sex for then? I do it for you, you do it for me.

The confusing part is that I'm STILL weird about sex.

I've had three sexual partners in my entire life, and with every one of them I've felt like I'm forcing myself to participate. Sex just feels like... something you're supposed to do. Or just an activity. When I have sex i dont think i feel what your suposed to be feeling. With my spouse less that im forcing myself and more of 'oh, this is happening now' if that makes sense.

I don't really feel like I can get into it with another person. I don't feel naturally drawn toward it.

That makes me wonder what exactly is going on.

Maybe my childhood experience affected me more than I realized. Maybe I've developed some kind of fear around sexual vulnerability. Maybe I'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum. Maybe it's both. Maybe there's something else entirely.

Iv told my spouse im specifically not ace, im not sure why but that lable dosent feel right for me even though it would describe alot. I think im still figuring out myself at the moment.

I don't want to force myself to have sex just to prove I'm okay. But I also don't want to assume that I'm permanently “broken” because I had a bad experiences as a kid.

And I feel...stunted. when it comes to my spouse. I love them deeply and feel safe with them, but I don't know how to fully open up to them sexually. I don't know how to explain that sex can feel like an obligation even when I'm attracted to them. Maybe obligation is the wrong word. I've never really been able to put that into words that make sense. Sometimes during sex i panic, I dont know what to do even though iv done it a million times with them. I joke and say "i dont know im scared" sometimes just because I feel like i have no idea what im doing. Sex is just such a point of stress for me

I'm also starting to realize that I haven't really talked about any of this in therapy. I do DBT, so most of our conversations are about current problems and coping skills. My therapist doesn't know about the childhood sexual harassment, or a lot of the other things I've been through. I've been afraid to bring it up, partly because I'm scared of oversharing and partly because he's a man and I've only ever had female therapists before. Talking about sexual things with him feels uncomfortable.

I actually considered making up a story about something triggering me so I could use that as an excuse to start talking about the memories. Then I realized I absolutely don't want to lie to my therapist. Therapy is one place where I want to be completely honest.

So I guess I'm finally trying to be honest somewhere.

I don't really know what I'm asking. Maybe I just want to know if anyone else has experienced something similar—where trauma, attraction, love, and sexual desire don't seem to line up neatly.

How do you figure out whether something is trauma-related versus simply how you're wired? And if you've spent years believing you should want sex, how did you figure out what you actually wanted?

I got 2 free liquid death cans as a freebie. I hate Stevia and all fake sugar but agave and cane sugar is fine. Help me find a flavor ill like please 🙏

I get off work in 30min

I was just prescribed Adderall for the first time—actually my first stimulant ever—and I feel kind of underwhelmed?

I know this might sound silly, but I don’t really get the hype (at least not yet). My therapist told me I wouldn’t have to wait weeks to notice anything—that it would just sort of “work” right away, like flipping a switch. On top of that, I’ve read so many posts here where people describe it as this huge, emotional shift—like their mind finally went quiet, they cried, got their whole life together in a day, etc.

So I guess I went into this expecting some big “clouds parting” moment, haha.

But honestly… I don’t really feel that different? If you asked me whether I’ve noticed anything this week, I’d probably say no. But if you asked whether things felt a little easier than usual… maybe? Like, yes-ish?

Has anyone else had a more subtle experience starting out, or am I just not responding the way I expected?

I am on 882mg of an aristada injection. (For thoes who dont know, its the liquid version of the more common abilify)

I was told I could drink in moderation, I was given the whole speech about how one drink feels like four. But iv never felt that. Instead of getting buzzed really fast I just skip the buzz and go straight to feeling incredibly nauseous. I dont get sick or anything, but my stomach feels so queezy. Is there any way around that? Anti nausea medication? A good heavy meal before hand? Im going out with some friends to a bar, I dont want to be stuck nursing a coke all night nor do I want to feel incredibly sick

Im marking this as venting because... im talking out something i didnt even realise was an issue untill today)

I sat down for the first time and did the math on how much I actually sleep in a day and I think I might need to talk to my doctor. Im starting to think I might not be as lazy as I thought, my meds might just be to high of a dose or maybe I need something prescribed to help me stay awake

I am on a 882mg shot of aristada and 80mg of atomoxetine-- For anyone curious

I get off work at 7am, immediately I go home and sleep will almost 3pm. Then I stay awake untill my pre work nap at 6pm-10:35pm

I work 11pm to 7am, mostly watching security cameras.

For the first 5hrs of my shift I usually drift between this half asleep drowsy state where I can immediately hear if someone needs me (front desk bell, front doors open, phone) but my eyes are always resting, closed. Just kind of lightly dozing while leaning back in my chair. Then at 4am I do night audit and make the hotels breakfast.

Thats 12.5hrs true sleep and 3-4hrs of limbo dozing

I cant remember the last time I was awake and really felt awake. Like, im awake and not thinking about when I can nap next. Worse even, how did I miss this!

Thats half my 24hrs sleeping plus extra. What brought this on was i looked up how much sleep is normal, at the higher normal end, I should just need 9hr. I cant even imagine sleeping from 7am to 4pm then just staying awake the rest of the time, it seems impossible. How much of my life am I wasteing

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Hi! My name is Jay, I’m American (originally from Texas). I grew up in a Brazilian household speaking Portuguese with my mom, grandma, and family friends. My mom also took us to Brazilian meetups, we went to a Portuguese-speaking church, and I attended a bilingual school as a kid.

Long story short, I don’t really have anyone in my life to speak Portuguese with anymore, and I’m worried about losing it. I’m still conversational, just very out of practice and a bit rusty.

A bit about me: I love anime and cozy video games. I’m married and have two cats, and I crochet a lot in my free time.

I have WhatsApp, but I prefer Snapchat if you have it. I’m not really looking to text or call—I’d like to communicate mainly through voice messages, since that’s easiest for me. You don’t need to be a native Portuguese speaker—just conversational and willing to help me build my confidence speaking.