u/L0nleylife112

The fucking title.

Growing up I never had any friendships as a kid until high school. At least ones that I really feel attached. I couldnt give a damn about people because I was always getting bullied anyways so I preferred to be alone anyways. In high school I finally made friends but eventually we drifted apart when it was over, it didnt affect me much because it was understandable. When I got into college I had the best friendships I have ever had in real life at least and Im being ignored and seeing my friends doing shit together while Im left behind. I also have online friends and they are now always busy with everyone and everything else to the point that they cant even take a minute to give a shit about me even though I do all the time. Listening to them complain and vent and literally get excited with every message I receive. Thats what I get for being the always available bitch. This. You know, it was way better when I never had friendships at all and hated everyone, it was easier. I didnt have to worry about losing anyone, but once Ive experienced the feeling of caring and being “cared for” if that was the case ever, it just hurts even more. I will forever feel scarred by this, feeling easily disposable and replaceable and never a priority to anyone. Im not forgiving anyone who caused this and Im especially not forgiving myself for investing my time trying to win them back or spending that much time in my delusions about them giving a shit. Im better off dead at this point knowing Im valuable to no one on this fucking planet.

Right off the bat, I want a romantic relationship and I have never been in one in my entire life. It hurts. I want to open up to someone without having to feel like walking on landmines, without having to question my masculinity with every damn move. When will I ever find someone to accept my flaws? Why are there people who I know are worse than me who get a lot more from life than I am able to get? Yes, Im envious. Seeing others happy with their partners, feeling secure and warm knowing I have to work hundreds of times harder to get a friction of that while others do nothing and have everything. That just tells me something. Im not a normal person. Im a liability. I shouldnt have existed in the first place, and Im sick of suppressing all that pain and trying to fit in and still be the butt of the joke anyways, the punching bag for more fortunate people. What will I do? Nothing. Of course. I will just suffer in silence. Sorry for taking up space, being a waste of breath, being a burden for over 20 years. Goodbye.

Enough said, but I have a lot on my mind. A lot of sexual fetishes revolve around humiliation and natural selection, which makes me sad. It just tells me I should not even be thinking about approaching a woman at any circumstances because I will be facing either insults or be called a creep. I have no blame if the human race thinks the likes of me are not worthy of anything good, not at all. My problem is that I have this burden of not fitting any of those criteria and not have anyone to speak my mind to. To open up and be vulnerable with. It is so isolating and suffocating. It hurts because us humans live in civilization, so the loser does not end up being executed the way it happens with animals, but rather live a long lonely life full of shame and resentment. And the reasoning behind all of this is that being a virgin man makes people jump into many conclusions. He is an outcast, a failure, unable to get what he wants, not strong enough to pass his genes, not a provider. Not anything at all.

Ive been feeling so unworthy of losing my virginity lately, like genuinely ashamed. I feel disgusting for even wishing a woman would touch me, like who the fuck do I think I am? I wouldnt even look my way if I were someone else. Im well aware of how unlovable and unworthy I am. Im tired of it all. Its been a torment to not have anyone to talk to about this. Everyone would either shut me up or brush it off and pretend its nothing serious. Theres a lot on my mind to say but I dont know where to start from.

Im an adult, but when people are harsh towards me I feel like theyre being mean to my kid self. Not that I had the best childhood ever, if I had one at all, but I feel like Ive been too fucked over that growing up didnt heal anything that most of my current self is still stuck back there. Im quite a sensitive guy in general, when people shout at me, it makes me just stay still for a while and hold back my breath to stop my tears, it always feels like being stabbed in the chest all of a sudden. When I hear harsh stories of guys my age or a bit older get brutally rejected, get called names dumped or heartbroken, I feel like its a personal attack on me. Im so scared of all of that, Im so behind in that field anyways in that age of mine. I hate how despite having endured being bullied and being nitpicked at all my life, Im still as fragile as ever. Im so Im still a kid in the head and I hate it so much.

Im an adult, but when people are harsh towards me I feel like theyre being mean to my kid self. Not that I had the best childhood ever, if I had one at all, but I feel like Ive been too fucked over that growing up didnt heal anything that most of my current self is still stuck back there. Im quite a sensitive guy in general, when people shout at me, it makes me just stay still for a while and hold back my breath to stop my tears, it always feels like being stabbed in the chest all of a sudden. When I hear harsh stories of guys my age or a bit older get brutally rejected, get called names dumped or heartbroken, I feel like its a personal attack on me. Im so scared of all of that, Im so behind in that field anyways in that age of mine. I hate how despite having endured being bullied and being nitpicked at all my life, Im still as fragile as ever. Im so Im still a kid in the head and I hate it so much.

So I saw a post of some news about some model leaving a guy and the woman who posted it captioned it with “With every ugly man you leave, another year added to your lifespan.” or something of that sort. Im genuinely wondering, what do women who post that gain from that? What does she even know about THAT one man? If he was a terrible person, then okay, but it seemed to me it was just because he was a fucking man, no one else said anything about it in the comments except that she was “fine” or whatever. And then it boils down to the conclude that my loneliness is “self inflected”? Lmao. Lmfuckingao, seriously. They just hate us for the love of the game. I dont think having gone through some “traumatic experience” gave you the right to shit on every man you see, just because of your horrible decisions. Own up to your fucking mistakes for once, unless youre not really “strong and independent.”