u/L_edgelord

I have worked for 3 years, then called in sick one day and never went back. After one year I got fired (makes sense, no hurt feelings) and after another year I got in the benefits system. (The UWV.)
I had been diagnosed with a personality disorder, ADHD and ASS, as most recent disgnosis. (Obviously also had GAD and MDD in the past...) Tried several therapies, and was on the waiting list for more. I just couldn't cope with life as was on very low energy constantly. Also showed frequent self destructive behavior.
On top of that, I have been visually impaired for my whole life, with a visus of 0.10 in both eyes, which adds to the constant exhaustion.

When I first spoke to a doctor from the UWV, they basically concluded that since I have had these issues most of my life and worked in the past (32 hrs a week), I was still able to work for 30 hrs a week. He also said my problems will most likely subside within a year.
When the doctor says you can work, they use a computer system to decide what jobs you can still do, based on your disabilities.

The jobs they said I should do were: cleaning hotel rooms, quality control at a printing house, and mailperson. All jobs that are obviously not suited for someone with 0.10 vision, but according to the computer this was no issue so I was told to suck it up.

Here in the Netherlands, your 'percentage of being disabled' is based on the loss of income only. So they use the loan for the jobs they think you can do and divide that by your old loan. It's a bit vague maybe (and highly unfair) but it meant that in my case I was only disabled for 45%. This meant that I had to earn 55% of me income myself, basically. (It's more complicated than that, and I actually got less than the 45%, but I don't think the exact details of the system matter much...)

Anyway, luckily I had a legal expenses insurance, so they helped me in fighting the decision made by the UWV. (You can always fight them, but you are more likely to succeed when you get legal help.)
We told the UWV that 1. I couldn't work 30 hrs a week because of my crippling mental state and 2. even if I could, the jobs they picked out for me are impossible for someone with 0.10 vision.

Well, it took them over 1.5 years (in which I barely had income) to get back to me. They concluded that indeed, I could not do the jobs they picked out for me, ruling me 80-100% disabled. However, the previous doctor made no mistakes and my mental illness is not bad at all, so I should in principle still be able to work for 30 hrs a week and get better soon.

This means that I finally get income now, but if there is ever a reevaluation, I probably have to fight them again, for they still don't take my problems seriously....

I hoped to finally be done with them but now I still can't rest my head :/

I've been bullied throughout my entire childhood cos I've always been different. When I was a teen, I started to dress alt which obviously didn't help my case.

I am now 31, and still dress alt. I am also visibly queer. I often get harassed in the streets, or in the hallways at schools where I come do my talks. (I do volunteer work at schools, to have a conversation about respect and anti-discrimination with an extra focus on LGBT rights.)

Even though I know that, especially in said schools, nothing will happen to me, I still get highly triggered when random teens laugh, make weird noises, or shout at me when I pass by.

Being bullied hugely traumatized me, so I get to some extend why my nervous system reacts the way it reacts... But it's still highly frustrating and costs a lot of energy.

I can make the mental distinction between random teens being teens versus the actual threat of some aggressive homophobe in the streets, where it does make sense for me nervous system to tell me to gtfo... But my nervous system responds the same either way.

Anyone who recognizes this, and how do you cope?

For almost my entire life, I have struggled with moderate to severe anxiety.

For the past year, I have been on escitalopram which helped a lot with reducing anxiety.

I recently quit the escitalopram cos I finally have therapy and came to the conclusion that the numbing effects of escitalopram are avoiding me from getting to the root of my problems.

But now that the anxiety is back, I also notice myself having self destructive thoughts again. The anxiety I have is both random (a constant feeling something is about to happen when nothing is happen, without any causes or triggers) as well as situational (eg, people thinking I am weird, excessive rumination and stress about small things.)

I do not want to go back on escitalopram yet, nor do I want to try another medication, so that option is ruled out.

What can I do to combat self destructive thoughts caused by anxiety, and can someone make sense of them? It's not as if me cutting myself is going to suddenly not be anxious anymore...

For almost my entire life, I have struggled with moderate to severe anxiety.

For the past year, I have been on escitalopram which helped a lot with reducing anxiety.

I recently quit the escitalopram cos I finally have therapy and came to the conclusion that the numbing effects of escitalopram are avoiding me from getting to the root of my problems.

But now that the anxiety is back, I also notice myself having self destructive thoughts again. The anxiety I have is both random (a constant feeling something is about to happen when nothing is happen, without any causes or triggers) as well as situational (eg, people thinking I am weird, excessive rumination and stress about small things.)

I do not want to go back on escitalopram yet, nor do I want to try another medication, so that option is ruled out.

What can I do to combat self destructive thoughts caused by anxiety, and can someone make sense of them? It's not as if me cutting myself is going to suddenly not be anxious anymore...

For almost my entire life, I have struggled with moderate to severe anxiety.

For the past year, I have been on escitalopram which helped a lot with reducing anxiety.

I recently quit the escitalopram cos I finally have therapy and came to the conclusion that the numbing effects of escitalopram are avoiding me from getting to the root of my problems.

But now that the anxiety is back, I also notice myself having self destructive thoughts again. The anxiety I have is both random (a constant feeling something is about to happen when nothing is happen, without any causes or triggers) as well as situational (eg, people thinking I am weird, excessive rumination and stress about small things.)

I do not want to go back on escitalopram yet, nor do I want to try another medication, so that option is ruled out.

What can I do to combat self destructive thoughts caused by anxiety, and can someone make sense of them? It's not as if me cutting myself is going to suddenly not be anxious anymore...

So, I went from 10 to 5 mg Lexapro 3 weeks ago, quit 1 mg haloperidol 2 weeks ago and quit Lexapro entirely 1 week ago. I went this fast cos I was fine and also cos I'm stubborn and impatient. The first thing I noticed was restless at night, but now I am pretty restless if not anxious all day long, to the point I'm feeling nauseated and light headed. It's hard to explain because this sort of was my state of being before I started Lexapro... but I hope it's just withdrawal and it will get less intense 🤷🏻‍♂️ How can I know whether it's withdrawal or my normal state of being? (I quit Lexapro cos I wanted to feel emotions but there's still not much going on)

Also, I'm still on 150 mg Wellbutrin.

Edit: as I try to fall asleep, I'm now also experiencing akathisia. Not fun at all. It has been several hours now :/