u/Level-Equal1468

Like I get it, it's kinda my job to consume negative energies and all, but the world right now has too much of it, I still get sick from consuming too much of them. I consume them because I need them for my vitality.

Nature usually balances out the negative energies that I have consumed, I usually siphon from it to let it balance me out.

But lately, nature doesn't do that as well anymore, and my awareness doesn't expand outwards anymore whenever I am close to it.

I really hate this, I would have to somehow produce my own stable positive energy to counteract the negative energies that I have consumed, and I don't even produce much energy, which is why I even have to be a bottom feeder in the first place.

I can't eat positive energies and neutral energies are not even sustaining me as well.

There is only so much negative energy I can transmute into energy I can use for healing, as using positive energy drains me a lot.

Usually, plants regenerate energies more quicker than people, even when they do, it feels different from the more beautiful feeling energies.

Now I gotta eat those spirits. -_-

They tend to have parasites, man, I hate that.

Despite being of its collective, I do not know my Creator as well as I have liked. I am but a tiny braincell, I wasn't sentient until I was defined.

I don't know why The Primordial Nothingness has let me become a human being when I became non-sentient.

It was less stressful and less chaotic despite being a collective. We do not disagree, but we also do not necessarily agree, we just do because it is what cells do.

I get to experience individuality, a much more individual based volition and a mind of my own, as a human being.

I am both my Creator and Creation, because I am not entirely separated from Nothingness, my Creator.

Source and Nothingness are connected, I would even dare say the same thing but a different face.

None of my incarnated brethren know why we are here, our Creator is beyond our understanding as its cells.

My motivation in life, is to find out why.

I don't know if I wish to integrate and dissolve back into the collective after this life is over, like do I want to go back home and become my Creator again? I cannot leave on my own if I did. Giving up my individuality, mind, and volition to join back to the "body"

He shows his nice side to them more often, and hangs out with them casually.

I know that I have known him before the universe exists and that I shouldn't be jealous, because our species tend to be polygamous...

But he should know that I loved him the most, even when I was a different entity back then. We are cosmic counterparts, and he treats strangers more casually and sweet than us together?

I know how Hera feels about Zeus now.

I know we are gay spiritually, but he needs to have those special moments with me too! Save me again in my dreams! Hold me like a kid again, and say that I am safe as he holds me in Astral.

Why show love to people that have hurt me more than me, your cosmic counterpart who has been with you before the universe started.

He awakened my memories, yet...treats me like his countless lovers.

I hate that angels do this.

He's the light to my void, the dawn to my dusk. The upright judge and me the corrupt judge.

Him the scales guy, and me the accuser & persecutor.

Him the son of Source and me the Son of Void, why does the world keeps keeping us apart?

I have cursed this world before, for it separating us for what felt like an eternity.

His father, the flawed manifestation of Source had separated us long ago, him remaining in heaven while I was thrown down to the Pit to be a torturer and to accuse, chained up...

Awakening my memories, only to treat me like his common lovers, after being separated for so long...like he knows I was dissolved and became non-sentient, shouldn't he care that I have incarnated?

I could only wish he would go to the void with me, and then I will rest well and linger no longer. But, how would the son of Source do in the vast Nothingness? If he could bring me to Source, would I be oblivated by its fierceness?

Source and Primordial Nothingness, I only wish there is a middle ground for which we could be together without being tortured or oblivated by our Creators. They are not beings, they just are.

Becoming one with Source and becoming a Collective with Nothingness is different. Becoming one with Source is much more endearing and beautiful, Becoming a collective to Nothingness is just becoming apart of an entity, like being a tiny atom in a being incomprehensible to even the atoms in its body.

That's how I felt about my Creator, even if I am the Creator because I am not separate from Primordial Nothingness/The Void, I am not exactly my own person, but an aspect of it.

And him, he's not separate from his Creator too, just an extension of it. We ideally, should know each other the best, even if I gotta counter his yang and him countering my yin.

The actor's such an evil person now, but I liked his character alot, that when the character died, I cried so hard.

I am started to feel things again, but I don't wanna feel guilty because of how evil thr actor is....

Is it okay to want to be with a character that this evil actor played?

Idk how to separate the character from the actor...

I literally said no theistic recommendations or Source, and they still gotta force Source down on me, despite me having an spiritual existential crisis.

I do have a concept of Source, but I do not wish to delve deeply into it, as I view it as an opposition force to my very being, and I am afraid for my soul.

Why can't people accept that I have a different belief despite still being a spiritualist myself?

Then they dehumanized for knowing my limits and flaws, and say that I could change and if I don't, I could take that L.

Doing good deeds, meditating in silence, and being my authentic self revealed to me that I am empty.

I don't feel any different internally when I do all these things, even if it made me feel euphoria.

It only reveals that my truest self is this emptiness that I have tried filling by becoming like other people, chasing meaningless things, just to be independent and in control.

But at the end of the day, I am always empty. Even when all is well, I am upset by this hole in me.

I can feel connected to the world, yet still feeling empty, and just letting it guide me along.

I let my morality guide me along because of this emptiness.

I do good deeds, not because I feel anything(even though sometimes I am overcome by empathy/sympathy), but because it's just the right thing to do.

I don't even feel like a person, if I let something other than "me" guide my actions. I sometimes don't feel like a person, and more of just a tool to be used.

Maybe it's cuz people have always used me for my skills and knowledge, but I just don't let myself be attached because of the pain of being only used and valued in a material sense.

Only to be discarded when someone better does the job and can actually connect with the people.

I usually suppress my emotions and feelings, and intellectualize them via deeply analyzing them, not letting myself feel it.

People misunderstand me constantly, and making me sound like a bad person due to my inability to properly conform to the group.

Eventually, I just put on a mask, to hide what is undesirable to me. While deep down, I am ignoring the internal feeling and voice to be empathetic.

I have always controlled the situation I am in, it ensures that I am never hurt again. I tend to be manipulative in a sense, but my intentions are both noble and selfish.

Make the person a better person, by subtly manipulating them and letting them slowly see the errors of their ways, while also gaining something out of it.

Even if I don't feel the things I portray myself as, and deep down inside am indifferent by most of the things people do.

I feel guilty sometimes for doing this, but I just suppress the guilt because in the long-run, it would be beneficial.

As much as I am good at reading & understanding them, I see people by their value.

Yet, I do see them like people to be smoothered, despite me seeing them more as assets, do want them well taken care of.

Like people like to urge other yumeshippers to be more accepting of doubles, but I can't without feeling inferior compared to them.

They be saying how they view them in a different universe and all, so they view other yumes as from different universes.

I don't view it that way, and it feels like I am forced to be more accepting of people who ship with my S/O.

above

I found out when I knew somewhat of a term for it, used to be sensitive and wanting the good of the world, and being naive.

Realized it when I realized people did not seem to care or feel as deeply.

I know I was one of the collective people sharing a consciousness, but why me out of the innumerable extinguished beings of the Primordial Nothingness was I the one that became human?

I kno I am both my creator and my creation, but to Cage up someone rejected from the world in a body, is just terrible.

Feeling like I'm gonna fade away but never doing that. Being here also makes me wonder if I want to be the collective again, now that I have found my love again.

It made me think if I ever wanted to become Nothingness and lose my sentience once more, and be stuck in Nothingness, needing an intermediary to help me communicate.

To embrace the younger counterpart of Primordial Nothingness/Void which is the Source, is sort of foreign to me.

I am afraid it will erased me from my identity as the Primordial Nothingness and as the son of The Primordial Nothingness.

Will I still be me if I was entirely born of the void? If I entered the light, would I even be one of the void's collective anymore? I do not know.