u/LuminousJaeSoul

I am alone. No matter where I am and where I drift off to, I am alone. I don’t even choose to be, it is just how I am and who I am meant to be.

I made a lot of sacrifices and took a lot of risk for people but that did not mean they were going to be there when I or they turned around. Even if I wanted them to stay, no matter how badly I cling onto them they disappear into a void where I cannot cling any longer. Sure, I still have family and friends, but it does not take that feeling away on some nights where I feel like I’m drifting through empty space.
  
The only thing that keeps me going is I know some people will be affected, and I do have unfinished business to take care of before I’m gone. So, with that I must carry this pain I have in me throughout this long walk with no destination.
  
Wherever I may wander off to, this pain will keep telling me no one is here and I must face the fact that this is my reality. This is my burden and my curse this is who I am. But this is who I’m not gonna shape myself to be.
 
I will continue to help people, not carry hate in my heart, and not dwell on what could have been with someone who does not remember my face. I will wander until my body tells me it is time not my mind consumed by pain and misery. I will wander to bring joy to people who face the same burdens and feel the same pain as I do unknowingly that I am in pain too.
 
The pain and burdens will be my reminders everyone has something weighing them down and I will continue to be the best I could be for others. Will I ever receive the same help? I don’t know but will not wait for it while others do wait for that hand. Will I be forgotten by them as well when I do? Maybe but that’s something I can live with.
  
I will wander to see new faces and be in different settings and at the end of the day will be alone with my thoughts in dark rooms. But I will not let it consume me and will go down a path I made to be a better me to help others like me.
 
My heart is heavy and my soul is faded but I will not wander in sadness.

I’ve had a long strange and miserable day. Just looking to chat with anyone wanting to talk about anything.

went to jail for her outburst and violence. She attacked my dog and attempted to hurt me because she doesn’t want her medication or think she has a mental issue despite her diagnoses. After false accusations against me during that of just me pushing her away from my dog and my failure of answering correctly they took me.

Spent a week in jail to see nothing but misery and how the system worked. No one treated me bad and helped me as best they could inside. Was only bad because I took care of everything and needed didn’t want them to lose everything . After some help getting out I went right back to helping her. Making sure she got everything and making sure everything was in order but couldn’t go back home. Spent months dealing with the legal system that failed me cause despite her no shows and my readiness to prove my innocences, they kept at it for months unwilling to drop it unless something else came up for them.

I lost my job cause they couldn’t wait any longer for me to square things away with the courts. So lost my job and my promotion. Lost my dog on Christmas Day cause she didn’t want it around anymore. But I held it together and helped her cause she was the mother of my child also. But while I was struggling so badly and even contemplating the big sleep, she was out going to concerts and met someone else. Finally at least I beat the case and became free.

After being homeless and starving most days I went back there cause I had no other options. Now she insults daily, lies and puts me down as regular. All while being inappropriate around me.

Shes my abuser, she assaulted me physically, mentally and sexually, just like I have been for years due to my line of work but she’s happier and doesn’t feel there was nothing wrong. And somehow I’m not angry at her or hate her. I don’t want revenge or anything just telling her I support her and want her to be happy.

Most days I keep happy and I’m trying to go back to school to be a nurse to help people, because I love being a behavioral tech but I wanna do more and have a career out of it. I wanna help people who are like me and full of sadness and anger. I’ve seen it all at this point and I wanna do something. And I wanna see that there was a purpose to all that I went through.

Sorry if this is rambling. I’m writing while about to start work.

I am alone. No matter where I am and where I drift off to, I am alone. I don’t even choose to be, it is just how I am and who I am meant to be.

I made a lot of sacrifices and took a lot of risk for people but that did not mean they were going to be there when I or they turned around. Even if I wanted them to stay, no matter how badly I cling onto them they disappear into a void where I cannot cling any longer. Sure, I still have family and friends, but it does not take that feeling away on some nights where I feel like I’m drifting through empty space.
  
The only thing that keeps me going is I know some people will be affected, and I do have unfinished business to take care of before I’m gone. So, with that I must carry this pain I have in me throughout this long walk with no destination.
  
Wherever I may wander off to, this pain will keep telling me no one is here and I must face the fact that this is my reality. This is my burden and my curse this is who I am. But this is who I’m not gonna shape myself to be.
 
I will continue to help people, not carry hate in my heart, and not dwell on what could have been with someone who does not remember my face. I will wander until my body tells me it is time not my mind consumed by pain and misery. I will wander to bring joy to people who face the same burdens and feel the same pain as I do unknowingly that I am in pain too.
 
The pain and burdens will be my reminders everyone has something weighing them down and I will continue to be the best I could be for others. Will I ever receive the same help? I don’t know but will not wait for it while others do wait for that hand. Will I be forgotten by them as well when I do? Maybe but that’s something I can live with.
  
I will wander to see new faces and be in different settings and at the end of the day will be alone with my thoughts in dark rooms. But I will not let it consume me and will go down a path I made to be a better me to help others like me.
 
My heart is heavy and my soul is faded but I will not wander in sadness.

I’ve been real exhausted lately. When I thought I reclaimed it all it’s just became a new struggle. 9 months I’ve been dealing with intense pain, depression and hopelessness. All this happened cause weirdly enough I was just protecting my dog who gave me so much support and love throughout my difficult career path. Every time I came home after being assaulted in some sort of way or seen something traumatic I had no one that really cared but her greeting me hello and sleeping with me was enough to calm my nerves. So when they put their hands on her I wasn’t gonna let it happened. But apparently to law enforcement they took it as it was just property and was accused of doing more than pushing them away and yelling at them to go away.

And for that alone I dealt with courts delaying cause they had no evidence and weren’t ready to do anything yet with the case being asked to be dropped several times in October but the system pushed it all the way to May where they still had nothing and no one. I lost my promotion and my job, lost a lot of money keeping myself and others afloat, lost holidays with family, lost my dog who was given away on Christmas Day, lost my sanity, lost my best friend who gone missing, lost a lot. I was close to ending to many times but I crawled myself of it with help from some friends.

I got a new job and reclaimed my apartment but I feel sad inside still and feel immense amount of burden on me trying to keep it all together. I’m getting things back in order but without my dog, my friend, and seeing a lot of new faces that I’m tired of seeing cause I’m just tired of starting over and not seeing the faces i got use to seeing daily. All the abuse and trauma I’ve dealt with led me to more abuse and trauma to start new and feeling alone. I still have those friends but we’re being held together by a worn out thread that’s close to snapping.

I just hope this is the last time I get sent back years and meet people that I know will stay around. Peace within myself and the environment around me is all I want.

Like I got interviewed on the 19th last month and after completing the interview the woman said “due to your experience you’ll be a great fit for the job so I’m sending you an offer letter and once the background check is done will continue steps about orientation, welcome to allied” haven’t heard anything back so I emailed Wesley Cherry, as I did they’re now saying the reason I haven’t heard anything back because that position is filled and check back on the job site to apply to more positions? Like what the fuck? I’m emailing them still about it seeming like a mistake because I was offered the position just dunno how I lost it? Is this common or a mistake?

I know allied isn’t great especially corporate. But I definitely need this job. Calling the Colorado recruiting manager and dude never picks up for nothing. Called the 866 number and got told to email Wesley.chery@aussi or cherry for orientation? I don’t even know if that’s a real person the people I talked to were definitely not professional so was hard to even get that. Like I just need this job and need to work, and like all security company’s are fucking ass so like I don’t really care anymore but does anyone know that email was correct or if I’m doing anything right? I got my offer letter and was told I was great fit cause of prior experience but I just need to start.

I hate old games in general tbh because they offer so much nostalgia and takes you to an era where games were “fun” only to realize it’s all dog doodoo most of the time. Like wym there’s a racing level that’s only easier if you know where to get the yellow pass? Like wym I gotta now take out 4-5 turrets with a 6 star wanted level? Like wym driving is terrible cause the city is so god damn narrow with so many turns and so many god damn other cars and people? Like why is there so many god damn peds? We were blown away by gta 6 peds but holy fuck did Jak and Daxter really show off how many peds they can put in their game? And car health is literally 3 hits and it’s gone, it’s literally impossible to keep a car for more than 1 minute at a times And finally what the fuck you mean lack checkpoints and if you fail you get sent back to the beginning of the game? It’s so frustrating dude it’s insane. I think I had less stress playing the old god of war games, especially during 1 with the escaping hell level.

The main one being “Little talks” by Of Monsters to Men from awhile back made me start listening to this music more in depth again and it just feels refreshing to listen to after not really diving into it. It’s a sad song listening to everything but it’s also really good musically and sweet. Listening to “Home” by Edward Sharpe and the magnetic zeros (why do they all have long names?) is also really nice to listen to with one I didn’t find through memes which is “lights out, words gone” by Bombay Bicycle Club is really good. Idk it just makes me appreciate these bands and songs made during a time where things felt more hopeful and people just making music. It feels like a cool summer day during golden hour listening to them. Anyone got more recommendations of this music or share the same experience?