u/Mobile-Frosting9584

I moved abroad almost three years ago, and now, of course, my social life is even more difficult. But honestly, I never really had a social life even before moving abroad—moving abroad is just an excuse. I was always just around people for certain seasons of my life, and then they would disappear. I've never had a friend—maybe except for one guy until I was 17.
I always thought it was a problem at first, and I was looking for friends like it was something I needed to feel fulfilled. I had my experiences, but genuinely, I can't find my people. Take cinema school as an example: even though I was only there for a year, being in that environment made it so easy to build friendships. But as always, I start something, and at some point I start to question it, and then I leave. I don't know if it's the non-artist environment where I work now (hospitality) or if it's me.
Anyway, when I was younger, I was always in a rush—I felt like I had to do everything right then and there with no time for waiting. Now at 26, I feel much more comfortable just sitting on a bench sipping my coffee, going for a walk alone, or exercising, and actually feeling relaxed and peaceful. Of course, there is still a part of me that would like to have some people around—just the right ones—but it's so difficult. I tried to socialize, but it's always just going to pubs and getting hammered, and I don't like that. I don't feel it's a problem now, even if it was before, and of course, when people ask me, "Do you have any friends?", I'm always kind of ashamed to say no.
At the same time, I kind of feel like all the people around me are stuck in the matrix, where they work just to spend money on material things. I actually think travel is the best thing you can do in life, but posting it is the real problem—it makes me question: are you doing it for yourself, or for others? They seem to base their entire lives on what people see them having or doing—like traveling, showing off the latest iPhone, or buying a car—just to get approval from others. They constantly want more, even if they can't afford it, just to fit in.

I moved abroad almost three years ago, and now, of course, my social life is even more difficult. But honestly, I never really had a social life even before moving abroad—moving abroad is just an excuse. I was always just around people for certain seasons of my life, and then they would disappear. I've never had a friend—maybe except for one guy until I was 17.
I always thought it was a problem at first, and I was looking for friends like it was something I needed to feel fulfilled. I had my experiences, but genuinely, I can't find my people. Take cinema school as an example: even though I was only there for a year, being in that environment made it so easy to build friendships. But as always, I start something, and at some point I start to question it, and then I leave. I don't know if it's the non-artist environment where I work now (hospitality) or if it's me.
Anyway, when I was younger, I was always in a rush—I felt like I had to do everything right then and there with no time for waiting. Now at 26, I feel much more comfortable just sitting on a bench sipping my coffee, going for a walk alone, or exercising, and actually feeling relaxed and peaceful. Of course, there is still a part of me that would like to have some people around—just the right ones—but it's so difficult. I tried to socialize, but it's always just going to pubs and getting hammered, and I don't like that. I don't feel it's a problem now, even if it was before, and of course, when people ask me, "Do you have any friends?", I'm always kind of ashamed to say no.
At the same time, I kind of feel like all the people around me are stuck in the matrix, where they work just to spend money on material things. I actually think travel is the best thing you can do in life, but posting it is the real problem—it makes me question: are you doing it for yourself, or for others? They seem to base their entire lives on what people see them having or doing—like traveling, showing off the latest iPhone, or buying a car—just to get approval from others. They constantly want more, even if they can't afford it, just to fit in.

Things are really getting better with time. I’ve been reading the book Brain Lock, and while the concepts are great and it’s genuinely helping me, I’ve hit a bit of a wall: none of the people described in the book seem to have OCD like mine. I understand the underlying pattern of OCD is likely the same, but the book focuses heavily on "classic" symptoms that I just don't relate to—like repetitive washing, intense fears of infidelity in relationships, contamination fears (like battery acid), or hoarding. While the book did touch on "bad thoughts" (which I have experienced), the examples provided for almost everything else feel very far removed from my daily reality.

Looking back, I remember being a teenager and feeling the need to apologize excessively to people if I felt I did something wrong, to the point where they actually became upset by my repetitive words. As I got older, it evolved into having those "bad thoughts" about people—thoughts where I didn't actually want anything bad to happen, but my brain would force them on me, making me think, "I'm a bad person; what is happening to me?"

During my final year of high school, my OCD got really bad. I couldn't focus on studying because I was so distracted by stains or little threads on my clothes. One time, I ended up destroying a pair of shorts trying to remove every single little thread. When it was at its worst, I really struggled to listen to conversations because my brain would constantly try to pull me away from the present moment. Instead of focusing on what was being said, my brain would demand that I focus on a specific stain or thread, effectively forcing me into a loop of distraction. I think that was exacerbated by the stressful situation I was in; I was regretting all my choices and was completely unprepared for my final exams. I spent most of the year coasting, and by the time finals arrived, I was in real trouble.

Now that I’m 26, I can handle situations much better. I’m living abroad, doing everything on my own, and my confidence has spiked, which helps a lot. Nowadays, my OCD is much more subtle, but it still interferes with my life. It mostly happens when I’m alone or in specific social moments, and it involves internal rituals that no one else can see. Even at work, when I need to concentrate and listen carefully to what people are saying, my brain seems to want to make me uncomfortable by getting stuck in these short, repetitive loops. Even if they are short, it’s annoying because I can miss important points in a conversation. The same goes for trying to relax—even when I’m watching a movie, I’m never fully relaxed because there is always something going on in my mind.

For example, when I’m at the gym, I’ll grab a dumbbell, but my brain will tell me, "You didn't grab it perfectly." I’ll stop for a few seconds to "repeat" the action in my brain before I can keep going. I also struggle immensely with new objects—like a new water bottle, my phone, or earphones. If I accidentally brush them against something or don't handle them in a "clean" or specific way, it feels incredibly upsetting, and I feel a desperate need to "undo" the touch or reset the item. Even when I shake hands with a coworker, if it doesn’t "feel" right, I end up stuck in my head, repeating the action over and over mentally to try and get it to feel correct.

It’s the same at work; it’s all about doing actions "perfectly." This often involves things like trying to open a door by touching only the handle without brushing against the door itself, or needing to push instead of pull (or vice versa) to make the action feel "right." If I accidentally touch the door incorrectly, I have to "replay" the action in my brain. Sometimes that’s not enough, and I have to physically repeat the action—like standing in front of the door, attempting to open it, and resetting until I feel I’ve done it "right."

These rituals all happen when people aren't looking, and they involve a lot of tactile sensations and focus on how my body moves. Does this sound like OCD? Has anyone else struggled to apply the advice in Brain Lock to these kinds of "silent" or internal rituals?

Things are really getting better with time. I’ve been reading the book Brain Lock, and while the concepts are great and it’s genuinely helping me, I’ve hit a bit of a wall: none of the people described in the book seem to have OCD like mine. I understand the underlying pattern of OCD is likely the same, but the book focuses heavily on "classic" symptoms that I just don't relate to—like repetitive washing, intense fears of infidelity in relationships, contamination fears (like battery acid), or hoarding. While the book did touch on "bad thoughts" (which I have experienced), the examples provided for almost everything else feel very far removed from my daily reality.

Looking back, I remember being a teenager and feeling the need to apologize excessively to people if I felt I did something wrong, to the point where they actually became upset by my repetitive words. As I got older, it evolved into having those "bad thoughts" about people—thoughts where I didn't actually want anything bad to happen, but my brain would force them on me, making me think, "I'm a bad person; what is happening to me?"

During my final year of high school, my OCD got really bad. I couldn't focus on studying because I was so distracted by stains or little threads on my clothes. One time, I ended up destroying a pair of shorts trying to remove every single little thread. When it was at its worst, I really struggled to listen to conversations because my brain would constantly try to pull me away from the present moment. Instead of focusing on what was being said, my brain would demand that I focus on a specific stain or thread, effectively forcing me into a loop of distraction. I think that was exacerbated by the stressful situation I was in; I was regretting all my choices and was completely unprepared for my final exams. I spent most of the year coasting, and by the time finals arrived, I was in real trouble.

Now that I’m 26, I can handle situations much better. I’m living abroad, doing everything on my own, and my confidence has spiked, which helps a lot. Nowadays, my OCD is much more subtle, but it still interferes with my life. It mostly happens when I’m alone or in specific social moments, and it involves internal rituals that no one else can see. Even at work, when I need to concentrate and listen carefully to what people are saying, my brain seems to want to make me uncomfortable by getting stuck in these short, repetitive loops. Even if they are short, it’s annoying because I can miss important points in a conversation. The same goes for trying to relax—even when I’m watching a movie, I’m never fully relaxed because there is always something going on in my mind.

For example, when I’m at the gym, I’ll grab a dumbbell, but my brain will tell me, "You didn't grab it perfectly." I’ll stop for a few seconds to "repeat" the action in my brain before I can keep going. I also struggle immensely with new objects—like a new water bottle, my phone, or earphones. If I accidentally brush them against something or don't handle them in a "clean" or specific way, it feels incredibly upsetting, and I feel a desperate need to "undo" the touch or reset the item. Even when I shake hands with a coworker, if it doesn’t "feel" right, I end up stuck in my head, repeating the action over and over mentally to try and get it to feel correct.

It’s the same at work; it’s all about doing actions "perfectly." This often involves things like trying to open a door by touching only the handle without brushing against the door itself, or needing to push instead of pull (or vice versa) to make the action feel "right." If I accidentally touch the door incorrectly, I have to "replay" the action in my brain. Sometimes that’s not enough, and I have to physically repeat the action—like standing in front of the door, attempting to open it, and resetting until I feel I’ve done it "right."

These rituals all happen when people aren't looking, and they involve a lot of tactile sensations and focus on how my body moves. Does this sound like OCD? Has anyone else struggled to apply the advice in Brain Lock to these kinds of "silent" or internal rituals?

Things are really getting better with time. I’ve been reading the book Brain Lock, and while the concepts are great and it’s genuinely helping me, I’ve hit a bit of a wall: none of the people described in the book seem to have OCD like mine. I understand the underlying pattern of OCD is likely the same, but the book focuses heavily on "classic" symptoms like repetitive washing or arranging items perfectly, which isn't my experience at all.

Looking back, I remember being a teenager and feeling the need to apologize excessively to people if I felt I did something wrong, to the point where they actually became upset by my repetitive words. As I got older, it evolved into having "bad thoughts" about people—thoughts where I didn't actually want anything bad to happen, but my brain would force them on me, making me think, "I'm a bad person; what is happening to me?"

During my final year of high school, my OCD got really bad. I couldn't focus on studying because I was so distracted by stains or little threads on my clothes. One time, I ended up destroying a pair of shorts trying to remove every single little thread. I think that was exacerbated by the stressful situation I was in; I was regretting all my choices and was completely unprepared for my final exams. I spent most of the year coasting, and by the time finals arrived, I was in real trouble.

Now that I’m 26, I can handle situations much better. I’m living abroad, doing everything on my own, and my confidence has spiked, which helps a lot. Nowadays, my OCD is much more subtle. It mostly happens when I’m alone, and it involves internal rituals that no one else can see, even though I’m struggling internally.

For example, when I’m at the gym, I’ll grab a dumbbell, but my brain will tell me, "You didn't grab it perfectly." I’ll stop for a few seconds to "repeat" the action in my brain before I can keep going. I also struggle immensely with new objects—like a new water bottle, my phone, or earphones. If I accidentally brush them against something or don't handle them in a "clean" or specific way, it feels incredibly upsetting, and I feel a desperate need to "undo" the touch or reset the item.

It’s the same at work; it’s all about doing actions "perfectly." This often involves things like trying to open a door by touching only the handle without brushing against the door itself. If I accidentally touch the door, I have to "replay" the action in my brain. Sometimes that’s not enough, and I have to physically repeat the action—like standing in front of the door, attempting to open it, and resetting until I feel I’ve done it "right."

These rituals all happen when people aren't looking, and they involve a lot of tactile sensations and focus on how my body moves. Does this sound like OCD? Has anyone else struggled to apply the advice in Brain Lock to these kinds of "silent" or internal rituals?