u/Nachinat

I have the whole backstory in my profile if you want the more in depth version. To summarize, my suspected BPD gf was caught sexting behind my back in June after she lied, called me mean when I confronted her about it, and tried to conceal it. In May I caught her with a Hinge profile. All this happened after I triggered a trauma response in her in late April when I was in a crabby mood one night and she shut down for two weeks and fell in to a depressive episode.

She broke up with me on June 13, but she said she was disappointed that I didn’t fight for her.

After I triggered her in late April, she got stuck in to a push/pull cycle until the present day. The cycle was roughly, 1-2 days of silence, followed by low stakes texts and snaps, then saying she misses me and loves me, then me coming closer and asking about working on things and then her saying she’s confused and needs time then disappearing for 1-2 days, rinse and repeat.

A week and a half ago, she sent me a suicide hinted text and wouldn’t give me a straight answer and said she could never trust me again after I told her mom I was concerned. A couple days later when she was drunk, she said “you don’t get it, I was going to kill myself”.

So these last two months have been the most difficult two months emotionally of my life. It’s been a non-stop rollercoaster.

Today, she was sending me texts all day and snaps. I could tell she missed me and was pulling me in. In the evening she started questioning if I was out with a girl tonight for the 4th and sounding jealous. I said no, I was with my family. (I have no interest in dating because I still love her and have a loyal, devoted heart). She said she’d be willing to hangout with my family if they approved of her. (My family does not approve primarily because of her erratic behavior). She hinted that she wanted to see me and I said I could come tonight when I leave my family‘s house. She basically said no, but we could plan a date soon. It really sounded like she finally wanted to try to work out our relationship.

She said something that I thought was weird, she said she was going to bed soon, and it wasn’t even 9pm yet. Fast forward two hours, and all of sudden her Snapchat location was on, it’s never on. She was 2 hours away in another state! I confronted her and said I was so sick of her lies and was done and she denied it and said she was home.

At first it said she was at a bar, then her location changed to someone’s home. Obviously, she was meeting a guy, messed around at his house and left two hours later.

I‘m an incredibly loyal and loving person but enough is enough, I have never been more disrespected and repeatedly hurt by a woman in my life.

I’m done.

My ex gf reached out after two days of silence this week, she responded to my snap story after 23 hours with a sarcastic remark “oh nice to see you having fun”, because one of her issues with me was that I didn’t do enough fun things. That turned in to her saying her kids have been asking about me and they miss me a lot. She also said she missed me.

She had had a pretty predictable pattern, 2 days of silence followed by low impact communication followed by saying she misses and/or loves me but whenever I try to come closer she backs off and pushes me away and goes quiet for 2 days and the cycle starts all over.

She often says she’s confused about everything and needs time to think. Yesterday I sent her a message saying that I can’t be a 2nd or 3rd option if she’s going on dates and stuff, and at that point I’ll have to walk away out of self respect. She went quiet and didn’t respond to it, instead continued sending me Snapchats.

Later that night the convo blew up in to a big discussion about everything. I got sick of the back and forth.

She simultaneously points out my flaws in the relationship (not enough fun activities—she said it broke her heart to see me doing fun things after our break up—my ADD and time issue and while I always clean up after myself at her house, I sometimes forget things laying around, like a plate or ketchup bottle etc., not integrating fast enough—my timeline is moving in and marriage 1-2 years, she was 1 year or less.) while at the same time saying she doesn’t deserve me, how she’s broken, how I can do better than her, how she ruins everything etc.

She said she misses me so deeply it hurts.

She insisted multiple times that while she has chatted on the dating apps she’s not serious about anyone and hasn’t gone on dates or has any dates planned, and won’t for awhile. I don’t think she’s been on dates but not sure if she’s lying about not being interested in someone else.

She acknowledged that I was faithful, loyal, devoted, loving, caring, kind, empathetic, generous, patient, emotionally intelligent, and would make a great step dad.

So which one is it? She’s so confusing. Anyone experience a similar dynamic?

My ex gf reached out after two days of silence this week, she responded to my snap story after 23 hours with a sarcastic remark “oh nice to see you having fun”, because one of her issues with me was that I didn’t do enough fun things. That turned in to her saying her kids have been asking about me and they miss me a lot. She also said she missed me.

She had had a pretty predictable pattern, 2 days of silence followed by low impact communication followed by saying she misses and/or loves me but whenever I try to come closer she backs off and pushes me away and goes quiet for 2 days and the cycle starts all over.

She often says she’s confused about everything and needs time to think. Yesterday I sent her a message saying that I can’t be a 2nd or 3rd option if she’s going on dates and stuff, and at that point I’ll have to walk away out of self respect. She went quiet and didn’t respond to it, instead continued sending me Snapchats.

Later that night the convo blew up in to a big discussion about everything. I got sick of the back and forth.

She simultaneously points out my flaws in the relationship (not enough fun activities—she said it broke her heart to see me doing fun things after our break up—my ADD and time issue and while I always clean up after myself at her house, I sometimes forget things laying around, like a plate or ketchup bottle etc., not integrating fast enough—my timeline is moving in and marriage 1-2 years, she was 1 year or less.) while at the same time saying she doesn’t deserve me, how she’s broken, how I can do better than her, how she ruins everything etc.

She said she misses me so deeply it hurts.

She insisted multiple times that while she has chatted on the dating apps she’s not serious about anyone and hasn’t gone on dates or has any dates planned, and won’t for awhile. I don’t think she’s been on dates but not sure if she’s lying about not being interested in someone else.

She acknowledged that I was faithful, loyal, devoted, loving, caring, kind, empathetic, generous, patient, emotionally intelligent, and would make a great step dad.

So which one is it? She’s so confusing. Anyone experience a similar dynamic?

I miss her so much, even though she’s treating me like garbage. My profile has the whole backstory. I remember the good times, the first 10 months. We felt like a family, a unit. I just keep feeling like I ruined things, that maybe if I would have done things a little differently it would have turned out better. It’s so so painful. She was simultaneously the best and worst gf I’ve ever had. I shared the most special moments with her and the worst moments. The most loyal, warm, loving gf to the most disloyal, cold gf at the end.

I‘m like a meth addict. I can tell you it’s wrong, but after two months of push/pull I’m on a street corner just dying for another hit.

I don’t know what to think, or how to feel about anything, maybe she doesn’t have BPD maybe I’m the problem, maybe it could have been avoided. I just love her so so much.

I wish I never met her. I wish I could spend the rest of my life with her.

My somewhat gf has been push/pulling me for two months. We broke up two weeks ago but she’s expressed sadness that I didn’t fight for her. I gave her the option to try and work on things but she said “she was too depressed and confused and needs to figure it out on her own”. Lately she’s been falling in to a depressive state saying she feels “lost, confused and hurt” about everything and telling me she’s “falling deeper and deeper in to a hole”.

Her words have been escalating and climaxed last week to “If I died would you be there for my kids?” I never heard her say anything that bad before and wanted clarification that she was thinking about hurting herself. She was being evasive and not giving straight answers so I texted her mom and said I was concerned and worried about her. I also went to her house to talk to her.

My gf was furious. She told me “there goes my trust” and ”I’ll never trust you again”. My response to her was that I loved her and cared about her, and it would kill me if something happened to her and I had to tell a family member for her safety.

Friday night she was drunk and texted me “you just don’t get it, I was going to kill myself”.

I tried texting her about her anger about me telling her mom, but she was stonewalling me and reiterating how she didn’t trust me after what happened.

Anyone experience anything similar? Not sure what to do here.

My Gf broke up with me on June 13. (Later tells me she was mad that I accepted it and didn’t fight for her).

Texts me later that night saying it hurts bad.

Text me late Sunday night that she wants a hug.

Silence on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday I get a snap selfie from her daughter and my gf says “it was an accident and she had her phone“ but then immediately invites me to her daughter’s performance.

Thursday: Texts me all day and at night says she misses me.

Friday: Calls me on her way home to keep her awake, I live in the same neighborhood and we end up having a 1.5 hour face to face talk about everything, she was mad that I seemed indifferent to the break up when in actuality I was just giving her space. I ask if she wants to work on things and she says ”I’m confused and depressed and need to figure it out on my own”.

Saturday: Quiet

Sunday at 130am while I’m asleep: Texts me that she can’t believe I told my whole family we broke up. (She has not told anyone in her family that we broke up)

Sunday afternoon: texts me that she loves me and just is confused about everything and needs to think. Sunday night says she’s lost hurt and confused but won’t tell me what she’s hurt about.

Monday: Mostly silence

Tuesday: Texts me that she hates her self and hates her life and is falling deeper and deeper in to a hole. That she has no clarity. That she broke my trust (I caught her sexting another guy before we broke up, the whole story is on my profile page) and doesn’t deserve me and I should find someone better.

Wednesday: Quiet all day then texts me in the evening ”If I died would you be there for my kids”. I tell her I’m worried and if she’s having thoughts of harming herself. She does not give me a clear answer and I end up texting her mom my concern. Gf gets mad at me for telling her mom and says “now you broke my trust“.

Thursday: Silence

I just found out from a close family member (who met her through me) that she snapped her a photo of her dating profile last Tuesday and said ”If you ever want to get a ton of male attention just make a dating profile”, which was a huge slap in my face to send that to a close family member. She’s on all the dating apps by the way.

This is the most stressful and roller coaster of a break up I’ve ever gone through and it’s not even close. My head is spinning and I’m hurting bad. Has anyone gone through anything similar? Help.

Me and my gf hit a rough patch in April. At that time I found out she made a dating app profile on hinge and was talking to other guys. We had a face to face talk about it and she said she was seeing if I was on there and the truth trickled to yeah I matched and talked to a few guys but she didn’t really care about anyone else. She ended up deleting the app and while I was not completely resolved, we worked towards repairing our relationship.

Things went back much closer to normal in the following weeks and I met her family for the first time.

The following week she had surgery and I took her to the hospital at 5am, was with her in preop for a few hours until I had to leave for work, left in the middle of my work day to go to the hospital and talk to the surgeon and came back again to stay with her in post op and drive her home. The last week me and her mom have been staying with her and making sure she gets help moving around and getting her meds, feeding her breakfast, giving her baths, taking care of her kids etc. She was really grumpy with me all week, passive aggressive, rude with her tone, I just chalked it up to surgery and being in pain, she struggles to handle her emotions under stress and often becomes dysregulated, I’m more of a calm and collected type.

A few days ago, a Snapchat notification popped up on her phone, and it was a guy’s face, I asked who it was and she wasn’t being very clear or open about it, which made alarm bells go off. 10 minutes later she texted me from the other room and said I was a snoop and it was just her male cousin and I was being mean, I said I was being calm with her and asked why she felt the need to be evasive. She shut down and said she didn’t want to argue that she was in pain so I let it go.

This kept bothering me for days, like she already went on a dating app behind my back, is she talking to someone? In the 15 months I’ve known her, not once did I look through her phone, I’m a firm believer in autonomy and trust, but it was eating at me and eating at me and eating at me, I knew she would not admit to it so I had to find out and know for sure.

This morning I opened her phone and I looked at her Snapchat, lo and behold was a long text message to this guy named Joe about meeting in public the first time, and a long text thread of sexual talk and dick pics and flirtation and kissing his neck. I was numb. My fears were correct.

I left her house , said by to her mom and I texted her and told her what I saw. She deflected and put the issue on my boring routine and I wasnt going to change, but later said she was sorry for what she did.

The weird thing is she’s texting me now like normal, telling me about her appt and whatnot. I’m numb and not sure if this relationship is even salveagable or what to do next. I know I love her.

tl;dr: Hit a rough patch a month ago, she went on a dating app, talked to her, things repaired, now caught her sexting on Snapchat while I was taking care of her after surgery. Not sure what to do or how to even approach it.

Should I take him to the vet asap or monitor?

My gf got out of an abusive relationship almost 2 years ago and we started dating last year. She clearly was deeply emotionally affected by it. One night 3 weeks ago I was in a crabby mood, a character flaw of mine is I am more argumentative when I'm crabby and I'm trying to work on it.

She acknowledged it wasn't so much me as it is her history and she was absolutely triggered by it.

She emotionally shut down, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, crying all the time and she got really cold and distant and started pushing me away.

She became really guarded with her phone and I had a bad feeling, I later found out she made a dating app profile on Hinge. I was crushed but I wanted to wait until she was on more solid emotional footing before we talked about it.

Last night we had the talk. Initially she said it was solely to see if I was on there, but she updated the prompts on the app and had a fully curated profile that said she was looking for a relationship, so I pushed back on that. She said she thought she had to put photos on her profile but she wasnt active on it, then she admitted she messaged some guys on there which would require her to click and match.

I showed her my Hinge profile which was blank and had no conversations. But she wouldn't show me hers.

She insists she loves me and doesn't want to break up and was trying to push me away as a defense mechanism. She said she missed me every day.

I gave her the option to talk to other guys and break up but she did not want that.

I'm hurt by her matching and talking to other men behind my back while we were still officially together and her explanations did not ease my concerns. I'm so confused about everything.

How should I approach this and move forward?

tl;dr GF has abusive ex, got triggered by me one night, shut down and pushed me away, talked to other guys on Hinge but loves me and doesn't want to break up. What now?

Me and my gf have had a really good relationship over the course of a year, I’ve always known her to be a loyal and faithful gf. But we’ve hit a rough patch a couple weeks ago. She doesn’t think I’m going to give up my bachelor lifestyle and move in with her two kids and 3X expensive mortgage. My goal is to marry her someday, but my timetable 1-2 years and hers is 8-12 months. But we want the same things for the most part.

The past couple of weeks she’s been acting different, morose, cold, indifferent and wanting less time with me. She used to DIE if we didn’t spend every day together. She told me she felt smothered and I said “okay honey, I will give you all the space you need, reach out when you’re ready“. She tells me that she’s going through depression and doesn’t know what’s wrong with her and needs to figure it out on her own. A day later I found out she was on Hinge, I was crushed.

To be honest, I thought our relationship was dead. However, a few days later she messages me and says “While I don’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone, I miss you, and I love you“. And I told her I missed and loved her too, and I’m here for her.

A couple of days of quiet go by and she calls me this time and is crying on the phone and tells me she missed me a lot and loves me. She tells me how she cries every day, can’t sleep and can’t eat, doesn’t want to be around anyone or see anyone and doesn’t know what’s wrong with her.

The next day she invites me over and I help her paint her bathroom. The next morning she texts me that she wished I kissed her. She has a girls‘ night but she doesnt feel like going, presumably due to her horrible mental state the last couple of weeks and lack of a desire to interact with anyone.

She invites me over that night and I bring dinner. She voluntarily cuddles next to me on the couch And we have a nice quiet night together. I plan on writing a heartfelt Mother’s Day note to her and getting her flowers on her doorstep.

When I get home I find out that while I was getting her dinner, she was on hinge updating her app. I’m crushed.

So many mixed signals I’m getting dizzy. I have no clue what to think or what to do next. I love her and care about her a lot. This is a girl I can see myself married to. But the hinge profile while we are still officially in a relationship stabs me in the heart and hurts my sense of trust. I’m heartbroken.

What now?

TL;dr: Super affectionate gf gone cold, depressed and distant and is giving me massively mixed signals. Not sure what to do next.

Am I being paranoid and looking too much in to this? Her score went up by 20 points over the course of 90 minutes. She used to leave her phone laying on counters/tables etc and was an open book with her phone, but this past week it’s been attached to her hip the whole time and she won’t go anywhere in the house without it in her pocket.