u/Natural_Swimmer2005

Can someone please explain to me exactly what loving awareness is? Ideally, in very basic terms. Thank you💚

I (33f) have been with my boyfriend (38m) for four years. He is low effort in our relationship. However, he knows birthdays mean so much to me. Every year I plan somewhere to go for a week around my birthday. This year I planned a trip to mount washington and paid for the air b&b. My birthday was the third day we were there and he wished me happy birthday when I woke up. The day was pretty open in regards to things to do. He didn’t get me a card or gift I had asked for multiple times. OK whatever, I don’t need “things” but he didnt go out of his way to make the day special for me. He picked me wildflowers only after I said “that would be a sweet gesture”. I picked the restaurant to eat at and, unlike most people, I LOVE when they bring out a piece of cake and sing happy birthday. He knows this but didn’t do it.

I always go above and beyond for his birthday. I’ve communicated how much mine (one day a year!) means to me. But now that we’re home, I want to cry thinking about how he put in zero effort. Am I asking too much from him?

Edit: I did tell him how I felt after we got home and he said he thought the whole trip was enough. He did drive the whole time and planned little excursions. I plan these week long trips and go big for my own birthday because I never had that as a child. I was neglected and came from an abusive home, so I always make it a point to celebrate myself once a year.

I am a 33-year-old woman in a relationship with a 38-year-old man. We have been together for four years. We have lived together for three. I know in my heart that this isn’t working out, but I feel very stuck. I feel stuck because I have a bunch of farm animals that I care for at this home and property that we shared together. My whole life is consumed by these animals. They are my safe place.

My boyfriend is very selfish and I think probably a narcissist the long and short of it is I feel like a housekeeper. I make sure all of his things are tended to his clothes, laundry, food, cleaning the house, taking care of the animals all while working full time. I bleach my hair the way he likes, do my makeup the way he likes, wear clothing he likes, be the person he “wants me to be”. He makes a lot of money and can financially provide me with this beautiful home and beautiful property, but that’s where the providing ends. He’s otherwise very selfish puts himself and his needs first, hangs out with his friends more than he hangs out with me, speaks down to me or critically or in demeaning ways. I have told him how much this bothers me. I have told him how much I want to spend time with him and make our relationship stronger. It wasn’t always like this of course. We’ve tried couples counseling and it failed miserably. I always feel “last on his list”.

I don’t make as much money as him and can’t afford this lifestyle I’ve been so accustomed to. if a stranger peaked into my life they would think that I had no issues that I was so blessed that I should be so grateful and that makes me feel even worse. I make about 90k a year and in NJ, that’s nothing. If I leave, I’d have to leave behind my animals. I feel so stuck. I’ve resorted to drinking to numb my feelings. As I type this, I’m alone, he’s out with friends, my beloved dog on my lap, and vodka consumed.

How do I escape this beautiful yet miserable life? Do I continue to suck it up because of the financial security and my animals?

TLDR

I believe reincarnation is real. There have been so many points of my life in certain situations that I “remembered” from past lives. For example, born and raised in NJ. Never left the east coast while growing up. All my childhood and adult life I’ve been obsessed with California. It’s like a longing to go back home. Well, just two years ago I made my way out there and as soon as the plane landed in LAX, I wept and thought “I’m home, I’m home!” My experience through LA, Joshua tree, and Palm Springs was nothing short of amazing. It really did fee like I was home. In fact, I wept flying back to Newark due to sadness.

I guess my question is, I have this deep longing for this past life (it goes beyond the state of California) and I’m not sure what to do with it? I’m pretty intellectually and psychologically aware, so I try to hash out my karma that’s transferred over, yet I still feel so stuck.

I am a huge Joan Didion fan and have read her nonfiction over and over again. Looking for something similar. I love memoirs and would like for it to not be too much of a downer.