u/Niibelung

My family is basically like a black hole. My mom and dad maybe had hobbies or dreams or wishes when they were younger. And now they are empty husk NPCs. even my sister had more personality when she was younger and basically became a typical city girl.

I am the odd one in the family cause I don't really care about material stuff, seeing specific celebrity's or basically very major city stuff (except small neighborhoods)

I realize that my parents basically aren't curious about my inner world and what goes on internally, but they will try and benefit from it

One time I pointed out the planet Venus and my mom's like "are you sure about that? 🤨" And then next night she shows it to me even though it's not something she naturally does and kinda does this stuff surface level to be in my good graces.

Or sometimes she brags about how I am volunteering or raising butterflies when she actually made a super rude joke that it's not her problem that butterflies confuse invasive plants for native ones and die off.

Their adulthood is my worst nightmare, all they do is work, Netflix, maybe Pilates and that's mostly it. It's like they gave up on the things in life and became drones

Anyone else notice that parents or family can be parasitic

I want to want to have ambitions but my nervous system says no and I think it's because rod trying to survive my household

I just feel exhausted by everything

TW: talking about dead bodies

So I lost someone I knew 2 years ago, and today the grief hit again but it was very weird. I was wondering what her bodys state was in the casket underground since it's been two years already

Does she still have her hair? Nails? Teeth?

I cant talk to anybody about this cause especially my family would think I'm being overly morbid or creepy

But legitimately I can't wrap my head around how someone who was alive suddenly is a decomposing body in the ground. And the fact that that will happen to everybody eventually including me. How the body you spend hours wearing make up, brushing hair, brushing teeth, getting manicures all of that that you spend for 20 years are all gone within 2 years (I wasn't sure if she was embalmed or not)

A weird thought: she would the most beautiful human bones with her long red hair to me.

Just wanted to vent a bit here since my way of grieving is not conventional especially for my family

So I started putting out peanuts and kibble on my house roof (my room is right beside it)

One time after a rainstorm I heard a lot to them cawing and put out the food, I know crows are cautious so I was waiting

But now on a sunny day I don't hear them at all or spot them, there's only a Fir tree at my house and no telephone wires, the food is definitely visible

I'm kinda not sure why they sometimes are around a d I hear them and other times dead silence

I do have ADHD as well so I am more emotionally expressive (medication also makes it slightly worse)

I'm trying to grey rock my parents and keep everything from them but even before I can think I sometimes react with annoyance to their criticism, unsolicited advice, back handed jokes. I really wanna be chill and not let them ragebait but it's extremely hard

Has anyone who had impulse control manage to get through this? And no I am not financially stable enough to leave home (I unfortunately had to move back due to the recession)

I basically live a comfortable life, I work somewhat and volunteer the other times. But I just don't feel good about anything, no achievement has ever made me feel good including grades. It's very frustrating living like this cause I am doing better than a lot of people but I just can't feel anything and I feel guilty. I'm even happily married and still feel my life feels meh. I just feel like there is no point to anything when I do stuff.

The immense guilt is very hard

Recently I decided to help my small volunteer organization with social media posting about ecological wildlife. the post reached a few members of local government and some other local grassroots orgs and they invited our small group to an event to meet

Everyone in the team thanked and praised me, I accepted gladly of course but I don't feel anything inside.

I guess I just feel like it was one post that hit the algorithm right. Today I was procrastinating on doing another post cause my job caught up with me and it slipped my mind. I feel like what I did wasn't significant enough to warrant a praise

I've been like this all my life minimizing things, what's feeling happy about your things supposed to feel like? And I'm not sure why I'm minimizing or the compliment is not impacting me

Nothing has work so I'm giving shadow work a try

When I was growing up, I lived in a pretty sexist and dismissive environment. My parents were always anxious of me and I had the tendency to cry a lot so they saw me as well and I think I internalized it. As a kid I used to live shows and media about people like Zorro, or Robin Hood and I would daydream about an alter ego of my self who was more confident, helped people and such. I basically had power fantasy dreams/daydreams. As a kid I did do stuff like run off to explore which made my parents mad and overtime I became less and less adventurous

I think now that complex has gotten unhealthy cause I repressed it to have a safe environment. I sometimes feel I morally judge people, and I act like a judge jury and executioner in my head of other people which leads me to build contempt and basically causes issues in my relationships. Like if someone isn't morally perfect in my mind, I feel like they are beneath me. This is not healthy and I want to stop it cause it's ruining my life.

I am wondering how to confront this particular shadow? If I even understand it right

So Im not sure if others also deal with this. I feel like I'm a car and I'm going on cruise control but the driver is out.

I recently graduated from my volunteering program and became a community nature steward. I passed my classes with top marks. I work from home and have a flexible schedule. I'm financially stable, recently got married. It's difficult to do my hobbies and feel immense joy.

And it all feels like very meh at the end of the day. It's like nothing excites me anymore. In 2022 I had excitement and fun and life felt different but around 2023 I feel like I'm the husk of myself.

I basically managed to do all the things that people said would help my depression and they did not