u/No-Midnight7724

This should be a cut and dry answer, however the more I've thought about it the more difficult this has been for me. I can't tell if I did the right thing anymore.

I (19M) have a friend (23M) who is like an older brother to me, I was close friends with his girlfriend (20F) who I have frequently hung out and drank with. We also hung out with this friend's older brother (24M) and the friend's girlfriend seemed close with him. I didn't question anything and felt uncomfortable asking any specific questions as the 24-year-old was also my ex around five years ago.

However I knew something was up about a month ago, because the girlfriend and older brother of my friend seemed very close. Again I didn't prod. Last weekend I went out drinking with the girlfriend and the 24-year-old older brother, the girlfriend admitted to me that she's been making out, sleeping with and being generally very hands-on with her boyfriend's older brother. In my drunken state I promised not to tell her boyfriend, especially because I valued my friendship with her.

However a day or so ago I told my friend that his girlfriend was cheating on him with his older brother, he seemed calm and just patted my head before riding off on his bike. I haven't heard anything from any of the parties involved since and I'm wondering if it was a mistake. I'm worried this might ruin the mental state of my friend, even if he seemed put-together when we talked. I also feel bad betraying the trust of his girlfriend.

I know what she did was wrong, that's why I told my friend. I feel more loyalty to my friend who got cheated on rather than my friend that did the cheating. Still I question if it was the right move.

This post is about the current state of pet subreddits. I am always open to having a mature discussion about this, you can disagree with me and I'm happy to hear why.

By verbal abuse I mean abuse towards new hamster owners, people who may be new to the hobby, uneducated and just seeking advice. While I don't actively participate in the subreddit 90% of the time, I've had some spats here and there in the replies of other posts. This is a phenomenon I see time and time again in other pet subreddits as well, like the Betta fish or rat subs. I want to open an honest discussion about this and why it is actively harmful (in my opinion) to the animal's welfare in the long run.

What are my qualifications to talk about this topic?

I have fostered many animals in the past, including multiple species of rodents. Hamsters, rats, mice. I've had to work in extreme cases where I've had an animal dumped on me with no warning beforehand, forcing me to focus on what's most important to that animal's immediate welfare. Working on a non-existent budget is extremely difficult but I've rescued and successfully re-homed multiple animals despite that. While I'm not currently fostering any hamsters I have extensive experience with them as well as general pet ownership.

It is so normal to see posts like this floating around on these pet subreddits: "help I had this animal gifted to me/I gifted my child an animal/my animal is stressed how do I help it". Oftentimes the first reply under all of those posts is one of these:

"OP you are an animal abuser and should re-home your animal right away, how could you not have done your research beforehand, are you an idiot?"

Copy-and-paste care guide with 27 different points the replier did not make.

An actually helpful person giving real advice (rare).

Unfortunately a lot of the time the OP of that post leaves the subreddit and never asks for help online again. Meaning whatever good intent the subreddit may have had is absolutely ruined because people can't take a moment to not be a self-righteous jerk and actually help someone. A pet owner reaching out, asking for help, and getting beaten down, downvoted, harassed and verbally abused would make anyone unwilling to take any more advice.

People also often focus on the completely wrong things when having a discussion about pet care, especially with hamsters. Instead of focusing on the most important things at that moment: cage size, wheel size, bedding depth, they focus on absolutely useless things in that moment like the variety of sprays or the type of hide they use in their setup. This is all absolutely important info the owner should look into to enrich their pet, but it is NOT the stuff you should be focusing on first. Maybe it's just my experience as a foster owner speaking but when you have a pet given to you, the main things you need to focus on are:

1. Giving the pet a clean environment

2. Making sure they eat and drink

3. Giving them their basic enrichment, like substrate, hide, wheel.

Everything else comes second: sprays, different substrates, sand baths. You are working from the bottom of the pyramid to the top, and improvement is never instant. Victoria Raechel, an amazing hamster owner and someone the subreddit often talks about and recommends, started out with bad hamster care. I will bet a lot of money on the fact that 90% of the people in this subreddit started with bad hamster care. But for some reason everyone is too ashamed to own up to that. If you put yourselves in the shoes of the people you are lambasting, and pretend you are that kid asking for help, you would be unlikely to stay in this subreddit for more than an hour.

Now you do have to be firm about the basics. You can't let animal abuse slide because you want to be friendly. However you can be firm and kind at the same time, those two things can co-exist. I think a lot of the people on this sub need to have some humility and be a lot more humble. The way a lot of you talk to people is just unacceptable, and goes against the whole reason this subreddit exists: to help people and share the joy of pet ownership. Do not give pet care advice if you want to sit on your golden throne and call everyone who doesn't immediately meet your standard of care an animal abuser. Educate, be kind, be approachable.

A lot more hamsters get better care and help if you all start being a lot more humble. You'd be surprised the change a little friendliness can do. An owner who feels welcomed, supported yet educated is a lot more likely to upgrade their cage, provide better care and look into more complicated enrichment.

Do better.

Ei tea kust muidu abi küsida, ise 12. Klassis ja täisealine aga mul koolijuhatuse ja klassijuhatajaga sellised jamad viimati. Äkki keegi teab kuhu saaks pöörduda sellega. On olnud väga palju olukordi kus mõlemad kas sõimavad täis privaatses kabinetis, ütlevad väga veidraid kommentaare või räägivad taga mind.

Ma ei taha tunduda nagu ilge titt aga kui iganädalaselt kutsub koolijuhatuse liige sind lasteaialapseks või räägib et sul pole tulevikku jne jne teades et sul tervisemured väljaspool kooli tundub juba natuke liig mis liig.

Kool ise räägib kogu aeg mentaalse tervise teemadest ja püüab tunduda väga toetav ja arusaadav, aga nii palju alandavaid kommentaare on tulnud neilt kahelt juba mitu aastat. Kopp on ees ja ülejäänud kooli juhatusele pole mõtet käia rääkimas sest need lähevad kohe neile rääkima.

Kool ise on olnud see aasta väga palju uudistes väga negatiivsetel põhjustel, ei julge nagu koolinime öelda, varem on saanud vitsasid küll koolilt kui mingi õpilane on julgenud negatiivselt rääkida nende kohta sotsmeedias jne.