u/No-Yoghurt-7820

This is going to be uncomfortable and painful to write because I don’t even want to acknowledge this because it makes me want to throw up in my mouth.
I’m an 18M who just recently escaped my physically abusive house life. I was raised in a single father household and dad was a very physically abusive alcoholic.

The memory of the incident is very blurry and fuzzy in my brain but it’s always in the back of my mind. I don’t remember mom’s face or any concrete image of what happened. I don’t remember how it happened or why she did this to me. I just remember the painful sensations.
I remember feeling like I’m suffocating, my nose was even blocked. My jaw was hurting and I was crying so loud because I couldn’t move and I was very scared.
I don’t know if I was fed drugs and that was the reason my body was locked up or I was being held down, I don’t know, I was very young when it happened.

The only part I’m completely sure about is that she was on top of me and that she was shoving her genitals in my face.
I vividly remember what I was thinking and that I felt like I was going to die and that my arms must be cut off and that’s why I can’t feel them.
This is pretty much the only memory I have of my mom. I can’t remember her face or her voice or anything for the life of me. This was all I remember of her. I can’t ask about her without my dad going crazy and there are literally no photos of her around the house.

But thanks to whatever the hell she was carrying in her body, I now have extreme problems with my throat all throughout my life. Swallowing hurts sometimes and white sore spots just randomly appear in my throat where I taste blood and every once in a while and if I’m very unlucky, something inside my throat inflames to make it hard to breathe.
And when I get these resolved with a doctor and go to get another medicine that doesn’t even work and get another surgery for it, I still have a persisting cough as a side-effect so my body makes sure I feel like shit and remember what my mother had done to me everyday.

I hate having this reminder constantly hanging over my head and it’s not like I can tell anyone or find somebody to vent to that would relate in anyway cause I’ve never heard of a male being abused so brutally by his own mother anyway so I’m just very lonely in my trauma.

I’m tired of fighting this, I’m tired of pretending this doesn’t bother me. I didn’t enjoy this or want any of this and I just feel nauseous of what I could have done to have my own mom do this to me.
I’m sorry if this was too long and thanks for reading this rant. I just needed to get this out somewhere.

It’s very odd in my opinion. I’m sure people have heard these things just as I have and I’ve also seen these in scientific literature as well.
"The purpose of our species is sex" and that "everything is based on sex" "everything connects to sex" are things I’ve heard and read and it’s genuinely grating that so many people believe that orgasms are the best sensations your body can produce and it feels better than almost everything. (And yes, people have told me that word by word)
And it really shows in broader society.
Our disgusting higher-ups don’t show their depravity in any other ways as much as they have shown sexual perversion. (That has become evident with the Epstein files)
Our biggest criminals are sexual perverts.
most of our music, comedy, entertainment almost always has sex involved somewhere in it.
Sex is even used as torture or punishment in wars, camps, jails.
Sex seems to be a very primary way of experiencing life that is not isolated and just bleeds into every aspect of society and I’m just tired of seeing it everywhere because I can’t escape it.
Being a sex-repulsed asexual is basically a death sentence and it’s so lonely because even sex-favorable asexuals don’t see seem to understand this perspective.