u/NoCommunity3295

Hey all 18(m?) amab. I’ve made a couple posts on here already asking questions about my personal experience with trying to figure out if I’m trans or trying to figure out if I should start hrt, and I’m just really confused about the way I feel.

A few weeks ago, I think my “egg cracked” as it was explained to me, I watched the Tadc finale which made me realize that I really could just become a girl, since then it’s pretty much been the only thing I’m thinking about and it’s getting soo tiring.

So at first, nobody close to me really knew what was happening. I went on here asking questions and when people would call me “girl” or use she/her, it would make me REALLY happy, it was like my heart was skipping beats in a good way. I hadn’t felt like this ever in my life and it made me think I was trans.

Over the next week or so I started talking to my very close trusted online friends and asked them to switch my pronouns to she/her, and even asked one friend in particular to call me by a preferred name, (Noelle) that also made me happy but not as much. When they would use these things it’d make me happy for a second and then I’d remember what I sound like and what I look like and I’d feel like i was, somehow doing something bad to them by even asking to switch my pronouns. I felt like I was faking.

Then I thought about my masculinity and it’s not like I dislike every aspect of it, and some aspects I actually really enjoy? I have a very masculine personality a lot of the time, which I really enjoy and don’t see myself changing, I never really got along with other very masculine guys but when I do kinda have that “bro” connection with other guys that makes me feel really good as well. I also have oc’s/characters that are male and when I thought about switching them to female I just really didn’t want to. And on top of it all when I was asking my friend how I can be sure I’m trans, she said to think about if I’d rather be a REALLY old male, or a REALLY old female, and while I’m not 100% on my answer, I think it was leaning more towards the guy. But at the same time I really liked and still like when I make posts on here with what I look like and people comment that I have such a good base for hrt, like saying I have a very feminine body or soft facial features. Lately I have been noticing masculine features too and I’ve been getting upset by them, I just feel like a big hairball of conflicting emotions.

Now you might have just read through all that and been like “you might be genderfluid” but this is where my emotions get more complicated. I do not want to be genderfluid and whenever I think about that being the answer it makes me sad and upset, and I don’t exactly know why. I keep looking for answers to try and MAKE me being mtf a more realistic reality and it’s really weird. It’s kinda what I’m doing right now, I’m hoping people will respond with some super awesome knowledge or thought experiment that will make me realize without a shadow of a doubt that I am in fact just a girl. I’m actively searching for this answer.

All of this is making some really weird cognitive dissonance in my head, and im just not sure how to feel about any of it, because sometimes I also think about the fact that I might be trans too and I just get so upset at myself. Like I’m ashamed .

Also, before you respond, I feel like a lot of people really really quickly just jump to trying to say I’m a girl or someone’s a girl, idk maybe I’m extremely overthinking it and the reason they’re saying that is because my thoughts and feelings closely align with being a girl. I just feel like people can jump to conclusions really fast, even though that’s kinda what I want to happen? I’m cooked dude.

Then of course I start thinking about how I’d probably lose all my friends and my family would start looking at me all weird like I’m insane and I’d probably have such a harder time getting a job in the future, and I’ve been bullied for nearly all of my childhood, I know what it’s like to have to sit through that and I just don’t know if I can do it again.

It’s just like sometimes I’m like god I want to be a girl so bad, I want to have cute makeup and some baggy clothes and have people think I’m cute and at least if I start hrt and I’m not trans my body will be more feminine, and then other times I’m just like “I’m indifferent to being a guy and sometimes I like it” I don’t know if this is just trauma or internalized transphobia or if this really just isn’t for me. Before you say anything I do have a therapist who I plan on talking to but I just want to get input from people who are trans as well. Any advice is greatly appreciated, thank you.

Hey all, I’m 18m, this is all so new to me, I was wondering if what I’m experiencing is normal?

A few weeks ago I watched the Tadc finale which, if you aren’t aware, it reveals that one of the main characters is really repressed and is actually trans. I started to question myself and I watched I saw the tv glow. Ever since then I have been wanting to be a girl so bad that it genuinely hurts. I can feel a tightness in my chest, it’s hard for me to eat (my appetite is normally very big) and I just keep fantasizing about wearing cute makeup and cute outfits and fitting in with other girls.

My issue is that I never really felt like this before, and all of these feelings basically just appeared this week. I never had that much of an issue with my gender before. I was mostly indifferent to being a guy. I never really fit in with other cis guys and definitely fit in better with women. But still there would be times when I would like dap a guy up or have a good gym session and think “damn that was really masculine and cool” sometimes it had its upsides.

I have experimented with my gender a very tiny amount in the past. Some girls I used to hang out with did my makeup once and told me to go cry in the shower (I was going through some stuff) and it felt good to kinda be “included” in like a stereotypically girly thing? And it felt really nice to have someone do my makeup. I also tried on she/her pronouns before that too, but not for long.

I will also say that I don’t really know if I actually want like a vagina? Like It’s almost like I want everything except that. I want the hair and the face and the body and the community. I don’t know if that has a role to play in this? Just thought I’d include it.

I just don’t know if I’m thinking straight lately? I really want to be referred to with she/her, have long flowy hair, and cute makeup. But also at the same time I’m like, really ashamed about it? Like I made another post on here where someone commented and referred to me as a girl, and that made me feel really happy for a second and then I thought about what I look like now and what I’ve been my whole life.

Anyway I just kinda feel like I’m having a bunch of really fraudulent emotions this past week. I don’t know if I’m like, right about what I’m feeling. I don’t know why I’m suddenly feeling like this and I don’t know what to do. Any input would be really nice.

This is going to be pretty lengthy and (slightly) venty.

Im 18, I was born a male, and I hate myself. I was bullied basically my entire childhood, and now I have severe social anxiety. Any time I even think about being myself or I think about a moment where I let myself slip out in front of someone, it feels like my brain is on fire. It’s a feeling I want to run away from. It’s so bad it’s hard for me to even write this post even though you have no idea who I am. And it’s nearly impossible for me to bring it up to my therapist.

The real me when I was younger was so weird. I constantly would talk about my interests, I would be openly emotional all the time, I was a furry, I would always try on different labels for my sexuality. But I was happy. Now it’s so hard to even type this anonymously on Reddit. It hurts to face these parts of myself because whenever I showed them to anybody. I would get made fun of for them. I was “dating” a girl in elementary school who said she was bi, and I told my parents about it. They said that I shouldn’t be around her and there’s no way she knows what that even means.

I started to put up defenses for myself and change everything about myself A friend I recently reconnected with told me “I really liked being friends with you, but then you hit middle school and it was suddenly like you wanted to completely change every aspect of yourself”

I didn’t eat for days at a time trying to lose weight, I tried so hard to fit in with the “popular” kids, I would belittle other people because that’s what I saw those popular kids doing. I was terrible.

Around this time I had a friend group, they weren’t “popular” and they were mostly queer which is why i guess I felt comfortable enough to do even this. I told them that I had lost a “bet” with someone and now they had to use she/her pronouns with me for a week. (Super subtle I know)

They didn’t really use them, they probably thought i was just being stupid or something, but this is the state of denial that I was in.

Fast forward a couple years and I’m in highschool. I had mostly renounced every bit of queerness about me. I was bisexual before, but now if anyone ever brought that up I would get really uncomfortable and tell them that I was just a dumb kid and that’s not who I was anymore.

Then I got another friend group, they were mostly girls, all once again very queer, I wish I realized back then why these were the only people I fit in with. After a while with them I was a little more comfortable with my identity, I was back to saying I was bi, and it felt so good that they just didn’t care.

One day specifically we were all hanging out together, and I was going through something rough, they told me that I should try letting them do my makeup and going into the shower to cry it off. I remember feeling weirdly excited when they were doing my makeup and feeling so happy when I looked in the mirror. I loved the way it made my eyes look more feminine and I loved engaging in this feminine activity with other girls. I loved crying in the shower and I kept checking the mirror to see the makeup streaming down my face.

I started experimenting a little more after that, I remember playing stardew valley and picking a very girly avatar, and (it’s really stupid) but I went on vrchat and tried to do my best girl voice while wearing some anime girl avatar. One person was even referring to me as a girl. It made my heart flutter to know that they actually thought I was one. I would go to that “make me a girl” website over and over.

After a while I just tried to push these feelings down, but I couldn’t help but fantasize about having nice, long orange hair (I’m a ginger) and wearing pink clothes and dresses. I would sometimes sit in feminine ways and it would make me feel really good. And it’s a little embarrassing, but one of my biggest kinks is being forcibly feminized. Sometimes I worry that all of this is just a kink, but the thing I think I like about it is that it takes the agency out of it. I don’t have to be the one making the choice to be feminine.

I mostly ignored this stuff for a while but recently I watched the Tadc finale (iykyk) and that sparked me to watch I saw the tv glow. I know that pushing all of these things down is a pattern of mine, and even if I am trans, it wouldn’t just be with that aspect. Any part of myself that I see as “cringe” or that I feel like is going to be judged I hide away. I’m just scared I’ll look back at my life and realize I didn’t live it as myself.

I’m worried about so many things regarding this however. The first of which is the way I know people would look at me if I ever transitioned or dressed more feminine, and I don’t know if I could ever bring myself to do anything risky knowing that. I know so much about the way people see trans and queer people and even just “weird” people because of all of the judgements I have on people like this from the way I was raised. Everyone in my family would look at me so much differently than everyone else, more than they already do. I can’t imagine ever showing up to a family event in a dress or makeup.

I have a family member who is trans. He’s kind of a distant family member so we don’t talk anymore. But I remember my cousin that I really looked up to saying that they were “flying off the chain” after they transitioned. “Just be yourself and don’t worry about what others think” does not work for me. I cannot face the same pain I felt when I was growing up.

Then there’s my second worry. I really don’t want to sound transphobic, but this is something that crosses my mind a lot unfortunately and is a genuine concern of mine that it would be nice to get some input on. I wonder to myself a lot if this is like, real? Maybe I’m not thinking about it logically but it feels like in the past couple years there have been so many more trans people than ever. I know how this sounds and I do not want to invalidate anyone in here, but I really do wonder to myself if this is just a trend. Are there any historical figures that were openly trans? I’m so sorry if this comes across as disrespectful.

Another worry that I have is if this is “natural”. I hate republicans and right leaning people and everything they stand for. But I see the way that they get brainwashed into all having the exact same ideals and sometimes I worry that that will happen to me or is already happening to me on this side of the spectrum. I try not to worry about politics too much, but one of the things they mention a lot about trans people it seems is that being trans isn’t a natural thing. Is it really possible for a girl to be born as a boy? Is there any science or anything to back this up?

Another worry is that I don’t go through the same things described by other trans people. I don’t absolutely hate my body and my gender, it just sometimes makes me feel so happy to be feminine. I worry that it’s just the novelty of it but i feel like it makes me more happy than being a guy.

My final worry is that I’m just doing all of this because I want to be seen, or because I am looking for the “thing that completes me”. I see so much support for trans people a lot of the time. And I worry that I might just be doing this because I want to feel seen, and I want a slice of that support. I also worry that I’ve watched too much tv, and I’m just looking for another way to try and run away from my problems.

I’m so sorry if any part of this is disrespectful, I didn’t intend for it to be. All of these thoughts and feelings are so confusing to me and I feel like I have two people in me right now that both want different things. I don’t know much about this, so I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do here, am I trans? Am I messed up for thinking I am? Part of me just wants someone to tell me it’s okay for me to be thinking these things, and that I can be feminine or that I can be a girl. The fact that I even want that scares me too.

I know this is long, and I should probably be saying all of this verbatim to my therapist, but if you have any input on any part of this I’d greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

This is going to be pretty lengthy and (slightly) venty.

Im 18, I was born a male, and I hate myself. I was bullied basically my entire childhood, and now I have severe social anxiety. Any time I even think about being myself or I think about a moment where I let myself slip out in front of someone, it feels like my brain is on fire. It’s a feeling I want to run away from. It’s so bad it’s hard for me to even write this post even though you have no idea who I am. And it’s nearly impossible for me to bring it up to my therapist.

The real me when I was younger was so weird. I constantly would talk about my interests, I would be openly emotional all the time, I was a furry, I would always try on different labels for my sexuality. But I was happy. Now it’s so hard to even type this anonymously on Reddit. It hurts to face these parts of myself because whenever I showed them to anybody. I would get made fun of for them. I was “dating” a girl in elementary school who said she was bi, and I told my parents about it. They said that I shouldn’t be around her and there’s no way she knows what that even means.

I started to put up defenses for myself and change everything about myself A friend I recently reconnected with told me “I really liked being friends with you, but then you hit middle school and it was suddenly like you wanted to completely change every aspect of yourself”

I didn’t eat for days at a time trying to lose weight, I tried so hard to fit in with the “popular” kids, I would belittle other people because that’s what I saw those popular kids doing. I was terrible.

Around this time I had a friend group, they weren’t “popular” and they were mostly queer which is why i guess I felt comfortable enough to do even this. I told them that I had lost a “bet” with someone and now they had to use she/her pronouns with me for a week. (Super subtle I know)

They didn’t really use them, they probably thought i was just being stupid or something, but this is the state of denial that I was in.

Fast forward a couple years and I’m in highschool. I had mostly renounced every bit of queerness about me. I was bisexual before, but now if anyone ever brought that up I would get really uncomfortable and tell them that I was just a dumb kid and that’s not who I was anymore.

Then I got another friend group, they were mostly girls, all once again very queer, I wish I realized back then why these were the only people I fit in with. After a while with them I was a little more comfortable with my identity, I was back to saying I was bi, and it felt so good that they just didn’t care.

One day specifically we were all hanging out together, and I was going through something rough, they told me that I should try letting them do my makeup and going into the shower to cry it off. I remember feeling weirdly excited when they were doing my makeup and feeling so happy when I looked in the mirror. I loved the way it made my eyes look more feminine and I loved engaging in this feminine activity with other girls. I loved crying in the shower and I kept checking the mirror to see the makeup streaming down my face.

I started experimenting a little more after that, I remember playing stardew valley and picking a very girly avatar, and (it’s really stupid) but I went on vrchat and tried to do my best girl voice while wearing some anime girl avatar. One person was even referring to me as a girl. It made my heart flutter to know that they actually thought I was one. I would go to that “make me a girl” website over and over.

After a while I just tried to push these feelings down, but I couldn’t help but fantasize about having nice, long orange hair (I’m a ginger) and wearing pink clothes and dresses. I would sometimes sit in feminine ways and it would make me feel really good. And it’s a little embarrassing, but one of my biggest kinks is being forcibly feminized. Sometimes I worry that all of this is just a kink, but the thing I think I like about it is that it takes the agency out of it. I don’t have to be the one making the choice to be feminine.

I mostly ignored this stuff for a while but recently I watched the Tadc finale (iykyk) and that sparked me to watch I saw the tv glow. I know that pushing all of these things down is a pattern of mine, and even if I am trans, it wouldn’t just be with that aspect. Any part of myself that I see as “cringe” or that I feel like is going to be judged I hide away. I’m just scared I’ll look back at my life and realize I didn’t live it as myself.

I’m worried about so many things regarding this however. The first of which is the way I know people would look at me if I ever transitioned or dressed more feminine, and I don’t know if I could ever bring myself to do anything risky knowing that. I know so much about the way people see trans and queer people and even just “weird” people because of all of the judgements I have on people like this from the way I was raised. Everyone in my family would look at me so much differently than everyone else, more than they already do. I can’t imagine ever showing up to a family event in a dress or makeup.

I have a family member who is trans. He’s kind of a distant family member so we don’t talk anymore. But I remember my cousin that I really looked up to saying that they were “flying off the chain” after they transitioned. “Just be yourself and don’t worry about what others think” does not work for me. I cannot face the same pain I felt when I was growing up.

Then there’s my second worry. I really don’t want to sound transphobic, but this is something that crosses my mind a lot unfortunately and is a genuine concern of mine that it would be nice to get some input on. I wonder to myself a lot if this is like, real? Maybe I’m not thinking about it logically but it feels like in the past couple years there have been so many more trans people than ever. I know how this sounds and I do not want to invalidate anyone in here, but I really do wonder to myself if this is just a trend. Are there any historical figures that were openly trans? I’m so sorry if this comes across as disrespectful.

Another worry that I have is if this is “natural”. I hate republicans and right leaning people and everything they stand for. But I see the way that they get brainwashed into all having the exact same ideals and sometimes I worry that that will happen to me or is already happening to me on this side of the spectrum. I try not to worry about politics too much, but one of the things they mention a lot about trans people it seems is that being trans isn’t a natural thing. Is it really possible for a girl to be born as a boy? Is there any science or anything to back this up?

Another worry is that I don’t go through the same things described by other trans people. I don’t absolutely hate my body and my gender, it just sometimes makes me feel so happy to be feminine. I worry that it’s just the novelty of it but i feel like it makes me more happy than being a guy.

My final worry is that I’m just doing all of this because I want to be seen, or because I am looking for the “thing that completes me”. I see so much support for trans people a lot of the time. And I worry that I might just be doing this because I want to feel seen, and I want a slice of that support. I also worry that I’ve watched too much tv, and I’m just looking for another way to try and run away from my problems.

I’m so sorry if any part of this is disrespectful, I didn’t intend for it to be. All of these thoughts and feelings are so confusing to me and I feel like I have two people in me right now that both want different things. I don’t know much about this, so I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do here, am I trans? Am I messed up for thinking I am?

I know this is long, and I should probably be saying all of this verbatim to my therapist, but if you have any input on any part of this I’d greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

I had this one friend, let’s call them Sam, me and Sam got really close really quickly. It was one of those friendships that is just so easy to feel safe in, and I learned to trust them really quickly.

After a while, things started to turn sour, we both told each other we had feelings for each other, and I won’t get into the details, but things got really messy really fast. I know I’m a biased party, but I really do feel like they did so much worse stuff to me than I did to them.

I also want to mention that they do have bpd. I hate blaming all of their actions on that but I do feel like it was a factor, and they even said so themselves. It made it really hard to understand things I did wrong sometimes. Sometimes I’d be amazing to them and they’d want a relationship with me, and sometimes they’d get really manipulative and try to hurt me.

Now I get like this with lots of people, but I feel like after a while of not being around someone, I forget all the pain they’ve caused me and all of the bad blood between us. Then, when I start talking to that person again, I’m reminded of everything that made me so sad in the first place.

This one hurts especially because this person was one of the only people I felt like I could be myself around. It was so scary at first because I hide myself almost all of the time. But after a while I really did trust them and felt like I could share anything with them.

I miss that feeling so much. They’ve gone through a lot in their life which has made them very non judgemental, and they still actively want to be friends with me. I’m scared I’m not putting myself in their shoes enough, and that I’m just running away from all my problems (which is a pattern for me)

But at the same time, we’ve tried to be friends again like 5 other times. I am the one that has always ended the friendship again however.

They are involved with lots of hard drugs and people that I really don’t agree with the mindsets of, I try to understand that they’re like this because of their immense amount of trauma, but it still doesn’t change the fact that I don’t agree with a lot of the stuff they do and don’t want to be around it. At the same time I miss their personality so much, because we really did click beyond all that other stuff I mentioned.

I don’t know what to do. Should I try to talk to them again? Would that just be insulting them? I thought I was this really empathetic person before and now with them I just don’t know. I feel like an asshole and I miss my friend, but I don’t know if that’s just temporary. I don’t know what to do.

I (17m) am an extremely ambitious person, but as I’m sure many of you in this sub know, people with ADHD often have a much harder time finding motivation to do things. I have so many goals I want to achieve in life, but I either can’t start at all, or I do start and then eventually burn myself out trying to stay consistent. After that, I can’t bring myself to start again because all I remember is the stress that came with it.

I’m so tired of being like this. I feel broken. While other people are worried about things like what they want to do with their lives or how to improve at something, I’m worried about what whether I’ll ever even be able to function normally. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to hold down a job, and the worst part is this is just a part of who I am

I’ve tried what feels like everything “just doing it,” medication, body doubling, etc.. and nothing seems to stick. I have almost no motivation. The only things I can consistently do are play games, watch TV, and scroll on my phone. Meanwhile, everyone else seems to be accomplishing things with their lives, and I feel like I’ve done absolutely nothing. Is there anything I can do? Does anyone have advice?