u/Pale-Fisherman7625

for a little background, i have severe social anxiety to the point that i struggle asking to use the restroom in class. anyway, here’s the story.

so there’s these two guys in my class that are complete assholes and they’re racist, homophobic, antisemitic, and basically anything else bad you can think of. let’s say one’s name is john and the other’s is bob.

so i’m just chilling in the back of the classroom doing my physics homework, when i suddenly hear out of my left ear bob say “hey who’s that. i don’t even know his name.” me having social anxiety, i immediately think they’re talking to me so i freeze up and continue working. then john says “i think his name’s bill (not my actual name for privacy reasons but they did get it correct).”

now i know that they’re probably talking to me, so i looked over to them and said “what.” then this is where it like goes crazy bruh.

freaking bob says “i hate you” for literally zero reason. i ignore it and ask why they’re staring at me weirdly, but then bob turns to john and says “i hate him”. like okay bro we heard you the first time. the girls they’re sitting with are laughing and shit. i don’t know what i did to make bro say that so i lowkey felt like crying, but this isn’t the worst of what they said tbh. john replies to bob while looking directly at me saying “yeah i hate your nose…and your lips.” like bruh what did i doooo😭😭😭.

then bob walked over and said my lips looked like a “black person’s” and called me the hard r. they’re both white asf by the way. i responded with a simple “okay” and didn’t really make eye contact bc that shit’s scary, but that racist “joke” didn’t effect me too much. it was more immature than anything.

anyway idk bruh that had me sad for a bit afterward. i love myself but i’m still human, so sometimes i feel a bit insecure about certain things. that whole interaction also made me feel angry at myself for not being able to standup for myself, which made me want to cry more. i’ve been trying to work on my social skills a lot recently, but this interaction really showed me how cruel certain people can be, and it reminded me how antisocial i am at this current moment and how much work i have left to do. it was a little demotivating.

if you have any advice for not letting immature dickheads like this hinder my ability to continue working on myself please reply to this.

thank you!🖤

not sure if i’ll talk much initially but it would still be nice to have that social outlet available.

thanks guys.

alright so i’ve been trying to self improve for a while now and just a few months ago before school started, i was relatively disciplined. relative to now, that is. you see, once the school year began, i started spending less time improving myself. i began making less healthy decisions, and i began thinking less about making healthy decisions to improve my life.

i’m pretty deep into this terrible mess rn so any advice is appreciated.
i’ve been reading, writing, drawing, and working out less, and i’ve been spending more time watching adult videos, youtube, and just laying around.

this sucks.

i have a porn addiction and i just relapsed and am feeling incredibly shameful.

i had my afternoon planned out. i was gonna do a bunch of productive things, then one youtube video led to another and next thing i know the sun is going down. since it was late and i had overindulged in youtube, my brain came to the conclusion to look at porn for fresh stimulation. so i did, and now i'm writing this because i am feeling incredibly shameful.

i've heard that i shouldn't feel shame or guilt after relapsing because it will only repeat the cycle of feeling bad then turning to porn as an escape from that suffering, so i'm writing this to help myself clear my head rather than focus on the mistake i made. but the thing is, i don't really know if just pushing the shame aside is actually healthy, or if i should be reflecting on my mistake even if the shame is present.

i don't know man i just want control of my life back and i wanna improve myself so i can get a girlfriend and shit but like that seems like such a daunting, almost impossible task.

i’ve heard this anime‘s story is pretty darn good so i’m gonna watch it fr. i’ve seen vinland saga and aot, and i really liked them because of the philosophical elements incorporated into the story. i’ve heard people compare fmab to aot and vinland saga because of that, so i’m pretty excited.

midwest emo is so cool

i don’t even know if the promise ring is midwest emo actually so don‘t flame me if i’m wrong.

anyway, if you have any recommendations from them that would be #awesomesauce

thank you bye bye

bro i read the first volume of jjk like yesterday after watching the anime a bit ago. anyway it was a little difficult for me to like picture where each character was standing.

i don’t really know why that is, but if there are any manga you think would be easier for me to read then feel free to comment your recommendations below.

okay bye bye thank you

little backstory:

around mid-late may of this year, i began taking my porn addiction seriously. i tried to stop oversexualizing girls i see online, and obviously i tried to remove porn from my life. i was pretty successful early on, and even went around 2 months without masturbating to porn. but around 2-3 weeks ago i gave in. i gave in the next day as well, then stopped for 2-3 days, and now i'm back to using it every other day like i did before taking this addiction seriously

what i need help with:

i noticed that i had a ton of self control and discipline when i was not using porn. i would meditate without getting bored for longer periods of time than i do now and i would work on creative projects a lot more frequently. it was significantly easier for me to get myself to just sit down and begin doing something productive.

for the past 2 days, i've noticed that i haven't been doing much. i have a ton of time on my hands that i used to spend writing, drawing, and editing videos, that i now spend watching youtube and masturbating to porn. i also have recognized that i am more angry. i believe this is because i feel shame for looking at porn. i know that i shouldn't feel this guilt or shame, and i don't most of the time, but that occasionally moment where i do makes me upset with myself. i feel weak for not being able to choose to masturbate healthily, and i feel weak for not having control of how i spend my time. this not only makes me upset with myself, but with other people that don't deserve it.

idk how to get back to the state i was in a few months ago. the state where when i desired to masturbate with porn, i always was able to encourage myself to instead do it without porn, or to spend my time with one of my aforementioned creative outlets.

i'm not even sure what i'm asking for here. i just want my life back in my hands so i can work on myself more effectively, and eventually get a girlfriend.

anything helps.