u/PheonixRights_

How bad was what I did? Am I a weirdo?

My friendships in real life were potentially weird and dare I say innapropriate - and I’m pretty much all to blame.

I’m 20 now but when I was 19- (past tense this is the post I made):

My friends were 45f, 17m, 17m, 16m, 15m, 15f, and 14f and I’m I think a 19f but I’m still trying to understand if I’m trans or not but that’s a separate thing. Anyways most of these people are from my high school that I graduated from in May. I did however get held back (not my fault it was in 2nd grade for health issues).

Anyways here are the actions I want opinions and advice on- like actual advice and opinions not just the one off “yeah” or something short with no real value. This isn’t Am I the asshole so if you’re looking to judge without any explanation or advice go on that subreddit- this goes for people who aren’t judging too. I need explanations and actual answers not just blind “it’s fine” stuff. Neither of these approaches are helpful.

Anyways-

Ive bought spray paint for them (17m, 15f, 14f) because well I’m an adult and they aren’t and instead of just doing whatever we go off into the town and explore train tracks, and spay paint the water run off areas (idk what to call them). They usually already have spray paint on them.. so I’m not too worried about vandalism (uh hopefully).

But here’s where the things I’m mostly panicking about are- for context I was also hurt by an adult emotionally relying on me- but that wasn’t my intention in these scenarios- I just have a major issue of not thinking before I speak and uh always telling the truth- anyways-

When I was hanging out with my friends walking around my friend who is 17 had an ex that was in my grade. I told him like “yeah I didn’t really like that friend group one of them rejected me and completely ghosted me” or something alone those lines and my 15 yo friend when “ohh that’s awful who does that”

Looking back on it I do wonder if this is weird conversation to be having- I mean with the 17 year old I’m not really concerned since we’ve been talking like this for 3 years ever since we’ve know one another- but I don’t really know whats appropriate conversation for a 15 and 14 year old to be listening to. Maybe some advice on this piece would help me understand?

The other was when I was with my 15 year old and 17 year old friend. We were hanging out under a bridge near a river- and they kept praising my parents for being the coolest. I told them they were actually not that cool all the time and that they “let my abuser into my house for 4 years after the fact” and that I believed they probably feel guilty for that- but I don’t know is I said “sa” or like you know the first part of it that starts with “s” as an sexual but either way I didn’t explain in detail what happened (because god no).

But I really kinda panic because it’s like holy shit I did not mean to be that weird grown up that “talks about weird shit with minors”- and at first I didn’t really view it that way but I’m not sure how other people view it since i don’t really know if I mentioned what kind- but I also don’t know if i did that would be considered being sexually explicit to minors.. which worries me.

It was also I must note when my 15 year old friend was away from us but I don’t thing far enough that she didn’t hear. My 17 year old friend tried to guess who it was- and I told him it’s best not to say and (I think I may have said it was fine but idk) I wasn’t trying to trauma dump or emotionally rely on them- but I did feel bad because honest I’m not sure what constitutes that- I was simply trying to be honest but I know it’s still… errr not great probably? I’m not sure to what scale tho.
If someone could tell me that’d be much appreciated.

Anyway my friend who is turning 17 is having a birthday party and I originally cancelled because of this- and I don’t wanna hurt anyone. I’m just really afraid that I’m a danger to my friends or if what I’ve done is really bad-
And even then I feel really guilty that my friends are minors and I’m an adult.

I have ocd and real event ocd so before you judge me for not knowing if these things are a big deal or not- it’s not because I don’t care or I believe my actions are justified, it just means that my brain often warps things. I’m afraid to go. I don’t want to go- I feel like an adult who’s invading everyone’s lives, and not being friends with my own age- but if I drop these kids- like I really want to so I don’t effect their lives negatively anymore I don’t plan on making anymore.

Can anyone help me?

My friendships in real life were potentially weird and dare I say innapropriate - and I’m pretty much all to blame.

I’m 20 now but when I was 19-

My friends were 45f, 17m, 17m, 16m, 15m, 15f, and 14f and I’m I think a 19f but I’m still trying to understand if I’m trans or not but that’s a separate thing. Anyways most of these people are from my high school that I graduated from in May. I did however get held back (not my fault it was in 2nd grade for health issues).

Anyways here are the actions I want opinions and advice on- like actual advice and opinions not just the one off “yeah” or something short with no real value. This isn’t Am I the asshole so if you’re looking to judge without any explanation or advice go on that subreddit- this goes for people who aren’t judging too. I need explanations and actual answers not just blind “it’s fine” stuff. Neither of these approaches are helpful.

Anyways-

Ive bought spray paint for them (17m, 15f, 14f) because well I’m an adult and they aren’t and instead of just doing whatever we go off into the town and explore train tracks, and spay paint the water run off areas (idk what to call them). They usually already have spray paint on them.. so I’m not too worried about vandalism (uh hopefully).

But here’s where the things I’m mostly panicking about are- for context I was also hurt by an adult emotionally relying on me- but that wasn’t my intention in these scenarios- I just have a major issue of not thinking before I speak and uh always telling the truth- anyways-

When I was hanging out with my friends walking around my friend who is 17 had an ex that was in my grade. I told him like “yeah I didn’t really like that friend group one of them rejected me and completely ghosted me” or something alone those lines and my 15 yo friend when “ohh that’s awful who does that”

Looking back on it I do wonder if this is weird conversation to be having- I mean with the 17 year old I’m not really concerned since we’ve been talking like this for 3 years ever since we’ve know one another- but I don’t really know whats appropriate conversation for a 15 and 14 year old to be listening to. Maybe some advice on this piece would help me understand?

The other was when I was with my 15 year old and 17 year old friend. We were hanging out under a bridge near a river- and they kept praising my parents for being the coolest. I told them they were actually not that cool all the time and that they “let my abuser into my house for 4 years after the fact” and that I believed they probably feel guilty for that- but I don’t know is I said “sa” or like you know the first part of it that starts with “s” as an sexual but either way I didn’t explain in detail what happened (because god no).

But I really kinda panic because it’s like holy shit I did not mean to be that weird grown up that “talks about weird shit with minors”- and at first I didn’t really view it that way but I’m not sure how other people view it since i don’t really know if I mentioned what kind- but I also don’t know if i did that would be considered being sexually explicit to minors.. which worries me.

It was also I must note when my 15 year old friend was away from us but I don’t thing far enough that she didn’t hear. My 17 year old friend tried to guess who it was- and I told him it’s best not to say and (I think I may have said it was fine but idk) I wasn’t trying to trauma dump or emotionally rely on them- but I did feel bad because honest I’m not sure what constitutes that- I was simply trying to be honest but I know it’s still… errr not great probably? I’m not sure to what scale tho.
If someone could tell me that’d be much appreciated.

Anyway my friend who is turning 17 is having a birthday party and I originally cancelled because of this- and I don’t wanna hurt anyone. I’m just really afraid that I’m a danger to my friends or if what I’ve done is really bad-
And even then I feel really guilty that my friends are minors and I’m an adult.

I have ocd and real event ocd so before you judge me for not knowing if these things are a big deal or not- it’s not because I don’t care or I believe my actions are justified, it just means that my brain often warps things. I’m afraid to go. I don’t want to go- I feel like an adult who’s invading everyone’s lives, and not being friends with my own age- but if I drop these kids- like I really want to so I don’t effect their lives negatively anymore I don’t plan on making anymore.

Can anyone help me?

How bad was what I did? Am I a weirdo?

My friendships in real life were potentially weird and dare I say innapropriate - and I’m pretty much all to blame.

I’m 20 now but when I was 19-

My friends were 45f, 17m, 17m, 16m, 15m, 15f, and 14f and I’m I think a 19f but I’m still trying to understand if I’m trans or not but that’s a separate thing. Anyways most of these people are from my high school that I graduated from in May. I did however get held back (not my fault it was in 2nd grade for health issues).

Anyways here are the actions I want opinions and advice on- like actual advice and opinions not just the one off “yeah” or something short with no real value. This isn’t Am I the asshole so if you’re looking to judge without any explanation or advice go on that subreddit- this goes for people who aren’t judging too. I need explanations and actual answers not just blind “it’s fine” stuff. Neither of these approaches are helpful.

Anyways-

Ive bought spray paint for them (17m, 15f, 14f) because well I’m an adult and they aren’t and instead of just doing whatever we go off into the town and explore train tracks, and spay paint the water run off areas (idk what to call them). They usually already have spray paint on them.. so I’m not too worried about vandalism (uh hopefully).

But here’s where the things I’m mostly panicking about are- for context I was also hurt by an adult emotionally relying on me- but that wasn’t my intention in these scenarios- I just have a major issue of not thinking before I speak and uh always telling the truth- anyways-

When I was hanging out with my friends walking around my friend who is 17 had an ex that was in my grade. I told him like “yeah I didn’t really like that friend group one of them rejected me and completely ghosted me” or something alone those lines and my 15 yo friend when “ohh that’s awful who does that”

Looking back on it I do wonder if this is weird conversation to be having- I mean with the 17 year old I’m not really concerned since we’ve been talking like this for 3 years ever since we’ve know one another- but I don’t really know whats appropriate conversation for a 15 and 14 year old to be listening to. Maybe some advice on this piece would help me understand?

The other was when I was with my 15 year old and 17 year old friend. We were hanging out under a bridge near a river- and they kept praising my parents for being the coolest. I told them they were actually not that cool all the time and that they “let my abuser into my house for 4 years after the fact” and that I believed they probably feel guilty for that- but I don’t know is I said “sa” or like you know the first part of it that starts with “s” as an sexual but either way I didn’t explain in detail what happened (because god no).

But I really kinda panic because it’s like holy shit I did not mean to be that weird grown up that “talks about weird shit with minors”- and at first I didn’t really view it that way but I’m not sure how other people view it since i don’t really know if I mentioned what kind- but I also don’t know if i did that would be considered being sexually explicit to minors.. which worries me.

It was also I must note when my 15 year old friend was away from us but I don’t thing far enough that she didn’t hear. My 17 year old friend tried to guess who it was- and I told him it’s best not to say and (I think I may have said it was fine but idk) I wasn’t trying to trauma dump or emotionally rely on them- but I did feel bad because honest I’m not sure what constitutes that- I was simply trying to be honest but I know it’s still… errr not great probably? I’m not sure to what scale tho.
If someone could tell me that’d be much appreciated.

Anyway my friend who is turning 17 is having a birthday party and I originally cancelled because of this- and I don’t wanna hurt anyone. I’m just really afraid that I’m a danger to my friends or if what I’ve done is really bad-
And even then I feel really guilty that my friends are minors and I’m an adult.

I have ocd and real event ocd so before you judge me for not knowing if these things are a big deal or not- it’s not because I don’t care or I believe my actions are justified, it just means that my brain often warps things. I’m afraid to go. I don’t want to go- I feel like an adult who’s invading everyone’s lives, and not being friends with my own age- but if I drop these kids- like I really want to so I don’t effect their lives negatively anymore I don’t plan on making anymore.

Can anyone help me?

How bad was what I did? Am I a weirdo?

My friendships in real life were potentially weird and dare I say innapropriate - and I’m pretty much all to blame.

I’m 20 now but when I was 19-

My friends were 45f, 17m, 17m, 16m, 15m, 15f, and 14f and I’m I think a 19f but I’m still trying to understand if I’m trans or not but that’s a separate thing. Anyways most of these people are from my high school that I graduated from in May. I did however get held back (not my fault it was in 2nd grade for health issues).

Anyways here are the actions I want opinions and advice on- like actual advice and opinions not just the one off “yeah” or something short with no real value. This isn’t Am I the asshole so if you’re looking to judge without any explanation or advice go on that subreddit- this goes for people who aren’t judging too. I need explanations and actual answers not just blind “it’s fine” stuff. Neither of these approaches are helpful.

Anyways-

Ive bought spray paint for them (17m, 15f, 14f) because well I’m an adult and they aren’t and instead of just doing whatever we go off into the town and explore train tracks, and spay paint the water run off areas (idk what to call them). They usually already have spray paint on them.. so I’m not too worried about vandalism (uh hopefully).

But here’s where the things I’m mostly panicking about are- for context I was also hurt by an adult emotionally relying on me- but that wasn’t my intention in these scenarios- I just have a major issue of not thinking before I speak and uh always telling the truth- anyways-

When I was hanging out with my friends walking around my friend who is 17 had an ex that was in my grade. I told him like “yeah I didn’t really like that friend group one of them rejected me and completely ghosted me” or something alone those lines and my 15 yo friend when “ohh that’s awful who does that”

Looking back on it I do wonder if this is weird conversation to be having- I mean with the 17 year old I’m not really concerned since we’ve been talking like this for 3 years ever since we’ve know one another- but I don’t really know whats appropriate conversation for a 15 and 14 year old to be listening to. Maybe some advice on this piece would help me understand?

The other was when I was with my 15 year old and 17 year old friend. We were hanging out under a bridge near a river- and they kept praising my parents for being the coolest. I told them they were actually not that cool all the time and that they “let my abuser into my house for 4 years after the fact” and that I believed they probably feel guilty for that- but I don’t know is I said “sa” or like you know the first part of it that starts with “s” as an sexual but either way I didn’t explain in detail what happened (because god no).

But I really kinda panic because it’s like holy shit I did not mean to be that weird grown up that “talks about weird shit with minors”- and at first I didn’t really view it that way but I’m not sure how other people view it since i don’t really know if I mentioned what kind- but I also don’t know if i did that would be considered being sexually explicit to minors.. which worries me.

It was also I must note when my 15 year old friend was away from us but I don’t thing far enough that she didn’t hear. My 17 year old friend tried to guess who it was- and I told him it’s best not to say and (I think I may have said it was fine but idk) I wasn’t trying to trauma dump or emotionally rely on them- but I did feel bad because honest I’m not sure what constitutes that- I was simply trying to be honest but I know it’s still… errr not great probably? I’m not sure to what scale tho.
If someone could tell me that’d be much appreciated.

Anyway my friend who is turning 17 is having a birthday party and I originally cancelled because of this- and I don’t wanna hurt anyone. I’m just really afraid that I’m a danger to my friends or if what I’ve done is really bad-
And even then I feel really guilty that my friends are minors and I’m an adult.

I have ocd and real event ocd so before you judge me for not knowing if these things are a big deal or not- it’s not because I don’t care or I believe my actions are justified, it just means that my brain often warps things. I’m afraid to go. I don’t want to go- I feel like an adult who’s invading everyone’s lives, and not being friends with my own age- but if I drop these kids- like I really want to so I don’t effect their lives negatively anymore I don’t plan on making anymore.

Can anyone help me?

My friendships in real life were potentially weird and dare I say innapropriate - and I’m pretty much all to blame.

I’m 20 now but when I was 19-

My friends were 45f, 17m, 17m, 16m, 15m, 15f, and 14f and I’m I think a 19f but I’m still trying to understand if I’m trans or not but that’s a separate thing. Anyways most of these people are from my high school that I graduated from in May. I did however get held back (not my fault it was in 2nd grade for health issues).

Anyways here are the actions I want opinions and advice on- like actual advice and opinions not just the one off “yeah” or something short with no real value. This isn’t Am I the asshole so if you’re looking to judge without any explanation or advice go on that subreddit- this goes for people who aren’t judging too. I need explanations and actual answers not just blind “it’s fine” stuff. Neither of these approaches are helpful.

Anyways-

Ive bought spray paint for them (17m, 15f, 14f) because well I’m an adult and they aren’t and instead of just doing whatever we go off into the town and explore train tracks, and spay paint the water run off areas (idk what to call them). They usually already have spray paint on them.. so I’m not too worried about vandalism (uh hopefully).

But here’s where the things I’m mostly panicking about are- for context I was also hurt by an adult emotionally relying on me- but that wasn’t my intention in these scenarios- I just have a major issue of not thinking before I speak and uh always telling the truth- anyways-

When I was hanging out with my friends walking around my friend who is 17 had an ex that was in my grade. I told him like “yeah I didn’t really like that friend group one of them rejected me and completely ghosted me” or something alone those lines and my 15 yo friend when “ohh that’s awful who does that”

Looking back on it I do wonder if this is weird conversation to be having- I mean with the 17 year old I’m not really concerned since we’ve been talking like this for 3 years ever since we’ve know one another- but I don’t really know whats appropriate conversation for a 15 and 14 year old to be listening to. Maybe some advice on this piece would help me understand?

The other was when I was with my 15 year old and 17 year old friend. We were hanging out under a bridge near a river- and they kept praising my parents for being the coolest. I told them they were actually not that cool all the time and that they “let my abuser into my house for 4 years after the fact” and that I believed they probably feel guilty for that- but I don’t know is I said “sa” or like you know the first part of it that starts with “s” as an sexual but either way I didn’t explain in detail what happened (because god no).

But I really kinda panic because it’s like holy shit I did not mean to be that weird grown up that “talks about weird shit with minors”- and at first I didn’t really view it that way but I’m not sure how other people view it since i don’t really know if I mentioned what kind- but I also don’t know if i did that would be considered being sexually explicit to minors.. which worries me.

It was also I must note when my 15 year old friend was away from us but I don’t thing far enough that she didn’t hear. My 17 year old friend tried to guess who it was- and I told him it’s best not to say and (I think I may have said it was fine but idk) I wasn’t trying to trauma dump or emotionally rely on them- but I did feel bad because honest I’m not sure what constitutes that- I was simply trying to be honest but I know it’s still… errr not great probably? I’m not sure to what scale tho.
If someone could tell me that’d be much appreciated.

Anyway my friend who is turning 17 is having a birthday party and I originally cancelled because of this- and I don’t wanna hurt anyone. I’m just really afraid that I’m a danger to my friends or if what I’ve done is really bad-
And even then I feel really guilty that my friends are minors and I’m an adult.

I have ocd and real event ocd so before you judge me for not knowing if these things are a big deal or not- it’s not because I don’t care or I believe my actions are justified, it just means that my brain often warps things. I’m afraid to go. I don’t want to go- I feel like an adult who’s invading everyone’s lives, and not being friends with my own age- but if I drop these kids- like I really want to so I don’t effect their lives negatively anymore I don’t plan on making anymore.

Can anyone help me?

I used to not really understand why people committed suicide but I’ve grown up and now I understand fully

Life has not really felt worth it. People keep telling me the little good things matter, or to do things that I can’t actually do because I’m incurably chronically ill and it will only get worse, to family and friends (which have 95% of the time just made my life harder).

I kinda wish people didn’t feel like a huge burden and a negative for my mental health. I’m tired of being expected to take insults, insensitive and selfish behavior, and little care for my well being. I’ve come to kinda consider myself quite the bad person. I have more negative traits and actions than I ever will positive- which is likely why I attract the sort of people and repel and am distanced from tight friend groups, or wholesome loving people. In any case I realized that maybe I’m the burden? If my negative traits are extremely glaring in comparison to anything else then it’s only nature things would be this way.

I guess I just try to isolate as much as humanly possible. I am overwhelmingly bedridden so it isn’t hard to stay on my bed alone for long periods of time. Online friendships have gotten me nowhere too. Now I have 2 obsessive people who don’t know boundaries and have little care of my mental health. It’s all so useless and toxic. My family shoves religion and homophobic stuff down my throat because they don’t like that I’m gay, and just don’t really think the little tiny stuff I do like drawing make any difference. It’s not enough to cover the chronic pain, loneliness, purposeless, and self loathing I feel constantly.

My safest place is on my bed alone with the lights off pretending and fantasizing about companionship and excitement.

I still really wish I was dead though. I am very obsessed with the idea.

I used to not really understand why people committed suicide but I’ve grown up and now I understand fully

Life has not really felt worth it. People keep telling me the little good things matter, or to do things that I can’t actually do because I’m incurably chronically ill and it will only get worse, to family and friends (which have 95% of the time just made my life harder).

I kinda wish people didn’t feel like a huge burden and a negative for my mental health. I’m tired of being expected to take insults, insensitive and selfish behavior, and little care for my well being. I’ve come to kinda consider myself quite the bad person. I have more negative traits and actions than I ever will positive- which is likely why I attract the sort of people and repel and am distanced from tight friend groups, or wholesome loving people. In any case I realized that maybe I’m the burden? If my negative traits are extremely glaring in comparison to anything else then it’s only nature things would be this way.

I guess I just try to isolate as much as humanly possible. I am overwhelmingly bedridden so it isn’t hard to stay on my bed alone for long periods of time. Online friendships have gotten me nowhere too. Now I have 2 obsessive people who don’t know boundaries and have little care of my mental health. It’s all so useless and toxic. My family shoves religion and homophobic stuff down my throat because they don’t like that I’m gay, and just don’t really think the little tiny stuff I do like drawing make any difference. It’s not enough to cover the chronic pain, loneliness, purposeless, and self loathing I feel constantly.

My safest place is on my bed alone with the lights off pretending and fantasizing about companionship and excitement.

I still really wish I was dead though. I am very obsessed with the idea.

I used to not really understand why people committed suicide but I’ve grown up and now I understand fully

Life has not really felt worth it. People keep telling me the little good things matter, or to do things that I can’t actually do because I’m incurably chronically ill and it will only get worse, to family and friends (which have 95% of the time just made my life harder).

I kinda wish people didn’t feel like a huge burden and a negative for my mental health. I’m tired of being expected to take insults, insensitive and selfish behavior, and little care for my well being. I’ve come to kinda consider myself quite the bad person. I have more negative traits and actions than I ever will positive- which is likely why I attract the sort of people and repel and am distanced from tight friend groups, or wholesome loving people. In any case I realized that maybe I’m the burden? If my negative traits are extremely glaring in comparison to anything else then it’s only nature things would be this way.

I guess I just try to isolate as much as humanly possible. I am overwhelmingly bedridden so it isn’t hard to stay on my bed alone for long periods of time. Online friendships have gotten me nowhere too. Now I have 2 obsessive people who don’t know boundaries and have little care of my mental health. It’s all so useless and toxic. My family shoves religion and homophobic stuff down my throat because they don’t like that I’m gay, and just don’t really think the little tiny stuff I do like drawing make any difference. It’s not enough to cover the chronic pain, loneliness, purposeless, and self loathing I feel constantly.

My safest place is on my bed alone with the lights off pretending and fantasizing about companionship and excitement.

I still really wish I was dead though. I am very obsessed with the idea.