u/QuestionableBalloon1

I JUST cleaned out my fridge and did ALMOST all the dishes, so yay me i guess. The kitchen and fridge were so bad it smelled like something died and im living through a shame spiral because of it. But I finally decided to get off my ass and do something about it.

Im taking a small break now before i finish the kitchen, but i want to declutter and get rid of things i dont need before i move out. I want to live as small as possible. (Moving into a new apartment soon).

I have a very hard time with letting things go and if i want to be able to live more clean i feel like i need to just get rid of some stuff. I have like 40 candles that i dont use but am convinced i will use them,, there is so much clutter everywhere and i just dont know how to move forward from here. I want to do like two bags of crap to donate but how do you just decide what to get rid of?

I miss my best friend. We lived together for a year, but my mental health got so bad with my abandonment issues that i completely destroyed my friendship with her. We were in a trio, but her and I were best friends. Her and the other girl were closer than i was with the other girl.

I am not okay. Basically the other girl (call her ana) texted me a few days ago and told me that we shouldn't be friends. Since last December we have been carpooling to and from work and anywhere else due to her car breaking down. She texted me after discussing it with her sister and basically told me that i only use her as a way to boost my own ego and that I am a laughing stock to her. She accused me of talking behind her back and told me to not hate myself or her for this but that I'm a shitty friend. This all came on when I was joking with ana and asked her if she wanted to walk to work (fully a joke as i have told her multiple times i do not care about driving her anywhere at all. We live near each other and work st the same place, i even got her a job there to work with me).

Heres the kicker! Ana said at the end of her message "no one is forcing you to be friends with me, after this week (when she gets her car back) we dont have to talk to each other again". I told her i wanted to remain friends and that im sorry for making a joke about such a sensitive topic. (The joke reminded her of how her mother used to treat her).

Anyway shes having a hard time mentally so I'm trying to be there for her, but I recently got this diagnosis that explains everything about my personality that has led me here and i have no one to talk to about it. The day i got diagnosed I helped her through a mental health crisis along with providing kind words to my older brother for his mental issues and my younger brother. Im sick of this, why doesnt anyone wanna listen to me?

I have been a very shitty person, but after i apologized to ana she did say she can tell ive been working on myself and that im doing better as a human, so i guess that was nice. But shes always hated my character she has yelled at me and talked behind my back about how i talk too much and im annoying to be around so i dont understand why she would agree to still being friends.

I just want my best friend back but i fucked that up terribly. I flunked out of college three times, lost two jobs, lost/abandoned all of my friends to avoid them leaving me and im just so scared and i dont have the one person to talk to about it.

She has me blocked and i think it would make me feel better to just send her a text just to clear my mind. I've always told her everything and i just need to tell it to someone (even if they wont respond or receive the message) who I know would care.

Im so sick of myself, im a fucking crazy loser who cant do anything useful with their life and on top of that im a shitty person. I don't even want to be around me anymore. Would it be bad to text my best friend (ex best friend i guess)

I've been having a really hard time with my self hatred lately and catastrophizing every last little thing. My fiance is the most amazing part of my entire life and i would take a bullet for her. She is so beautiful and strong and perfect. And i just keep fucking up. I dont want her to think anything is her fault,, but i keep relapsing in cutting myself because im having such a hard time regulating my emotions, especially since i havent been able to see my therapist in a minute due to not having the money available.

The cost of living is really getting to me and i want treatment so bad and im trying so hard but I just get into that state of mind. Also im recently diagnosed so that isnt helping and its making me realize how terrible i was and am to people around me and made me realize how i lost all my friends and most of the people I know over the last year.

Should i paint? Or, should I play the guitar??? I cant decide

Im not doing okay and i need to just talk

Did it again last night, I was going almost four months strong with resisting the urge.

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It got to be too much and i did it again and now i feel even worse because i did it. I dont get why i cant just stop. Im so embarrassed and ashamed, ive mutilated myself and i cant go back from that.

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If i ever were to wear clothes that dont hide it, what if all people see is the fact that i did that to myself. I dont want to do it i just cant seem to stop.

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Anyway feeling even worse than before and cant stand to look at myself even more

It lowkey drives me crazy but shes just constantly rubbing her face on my face and it shes not doing that shes rubbing her face on my hands, phone, pencil, elbow badically anywhere she can

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She never stops i was wondering why does she just love me or is she like having issues

Tldr; my friend gets overwhelmed by my obnoxiousness but seems upset when i dont talk. How do i use body language to show im not upset i guess is my question.

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Ive always been told that I am annoying and talk to much or that im overwhelming or better in small doses. Im okay with that its been years of hearing it and at this point its in one ear out the other, ive really been working on some tips ive seen in this sub about making sure jokes are polite and not too harsh, active listening, not interrupting, and the most difficult for me talking quieter.

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I'm having an issue with one of my only friends currently. We work at the same place on the same schedule, since she doesnt currently have a car the past few months ive been driving her and im perfectly okay with it. Of course I've not wanted to drive her a few times but i can give up playing my music full volume to give someone a ride, its not the end of the world.

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My problem is that shes a very anxious person and quiet too, and since ive known her sometimes, i get a little too comfortable and will bring out my evil personality of being loud and saying strange things. I dont want to be evil and make her uncomfortable, but im having a hard time finding that in-between.

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Im okay with silence i can do that, but then (i know it sounds like im being dramatic but i truly feel like this is true) it seems like shes mad or upset with me if im quiet or not. Ill say good morning, turn on some tunes, etc. and ill just sit there and drive but i unfortunately have rbf and that sucks.

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To put it plain and simply i keep telling her my anxiety is absolutely awful yet we arent doing anything about it.

I am on lamictal, abilify, and Zoloft and she just keeps saying they will help with my anxiety but i really feel like its not. But its been a year and it hasnt been addressed once.

When i first saw her i was on buspirone but it was such a small dose and it wasnt working since id been on it so long so she just took me off of it.

Now i feel like i have nothing helping my anxiety.

Anyway does she suck or am i doing something wrong.

Me: "My anxiety is really bad lately im having a hard time throughout most of my day"

Her: "Would you like to increase dose of x med"

Me: "Im fine no thanks"

Finally i decided to ACTUALLY talk about my feelings and the specifics of whats going on. I was in a SLUMP,, like real bad. I was ready for it all to be over type shit. I couldnt do anything and didnt want to, couldnt eat, couldn't play games or watch tv or do anything (still kinda cant) but thats not the point. My therapist was like dude...you gotta not think and just do so i just randomly was like imma just do. And i did a workout and cleaned!!!!! My house feels so shiny and i feel shiny and its so slay and i feel slay. And i know it wont last forever but its a start at least

I'm sick of this. It sucks cuz i cant/wont stop but its difficult to hide now that im living with my fiance. The only time i can bp is when im at work which makes me even more ashamed. Im also just terrified because my birthday is coming up soon and usually instead of purging I just avoid food, but like i picked out my favorite foods and stuff and its gonna be weird if i dont eat and i dont want to be seen eating and this fucking sucks. Im also just at that point where im just scared regardless dont wanna be seen dont wanna be heard. Im scared I won't have options for when i do eat for getting it out. Im just terrified all the time recently because everything is just about food somehow.

Anywayyyyyyy,, please take care of yourselves and be safe! All are loved and amazing beautiful people!