u/Quiet_surprise79

I posted a couple of weeks ago but I can't find the post to update it. I applied for ADP on 1st June and just got my decision by post today.

I'm happy to find out I've been awarded standard daily living with 9 points. I think I technically qualify for the enhanced category as I feel they underscored me a lot on engaging socially and I also got 0 for taking nutrition, but that's something I struggle with quite a bit. That said, I'm already spending a lot of energy trying to access services to help, and I'm just happy to get something and that the process was relatively straight forward for me. I wasn't expecting anything for mobility so I'm not surprised at only getting 4 points there.

I'm on LCWRA UC as well, do I need to mark it as a change of circumstances or just via journal message or something else?

It does make me wish I'd applied a couple of years ago but that's the problem with some illnesses. You convince yourself you'll get better and then you don't 😅. I've been on LCWRA since Jan 2024 thinking I'd get better.

I thought I'd share a reasonably positive story. I was dreading the idea of 0 points or not enough on daily living because I know I definitely meet the criteria for it, and the extra money means I can afford two support services that I couldn't before, which is such a relief.

Not needing support so much but curious if this is something people with BPD experience or not.

It's just clicked for me that I only feel real when I'm feeling intense emotions. I do experience dissociation as a result of extreme distress, but I also only feel connected to myself when I am in extreme distress, or feel consumed by love for someone, or overcome with excitement for a unique experience, or feel tragic in myself and hurt at everything I've been through.

The rest of the time, it feels like I'm just bobbing along, existing. Everything feels wishy-washy and detached. None of it means anything.

E.g. I have a complicated "thing" with someone at the moment. When I see them, I will feel intense love and everything will feel real and right. When I'm not with them, I don't feel connected to those emotions, and life in general feels flat and detached.

Equally, I recently had a period where I genuinely felt I reconnected with myself because the distress got so intense that it triggered a really, really dark place. I had this like, inner-quiet because it felt right and normal.

Once I came out of this, I returned to the same flatness and disconnectedness.

This is a pattern that has spanned my entire adult life, but I've only just realised it. I think I had the flatness confused with dissociation, because (I thought) I experience different "types" of dissociation. The type that comes when I'm properly distressed, and the "baseline" dissociation I usually feel.

For context, I've tried to get referred to psychiatry to be assessed for BPD and/or anything else but they have pushed me onto a psychology wait list. I do have CPTSD, but haven't seen much on this kind of presentation in CPTSD. I don't currently have a mental health professional to talk to about questions like this haha.

Hello,

Hoping this post is allowed (new to this sub).

I have Two Point Hospital but I LOVED the original Theme Hospital and the changes just didn't quite hit the spot for me, so I quickly lost interest.

I am wondering how Two Point Museum stands up? I have read that it's got a different feel to Hospital and very much feels like its own game. It's currently on sale for £16.74. I don't spend much on games, so I'm wondering if it's worth it?

Thanks!

Hi all,

ETA: I am aware of DBT, sorry I didn't include that! I am unsure how to judge that a private therapist will actually do it well but extra resources appreciated.

I need whatever you have for non-NHS help for an ongoing probable BPD crisis (but not crisis resources, I am aware of all of them). I have tried and tried and tried to get help through the NHS but I can't get access and trying is now becoming so stressful in itself that it's causing me big spin-outs. There's nothing like being abandoned by services you're told all your life will help you to trigger massive spirals about your own worthiness as a human!

Without going into traumatic detail, I genuinely think there is a risk of life if I don't find alternative resources but I need longer-term things than crisis resources.

I don't care if it's a podcast or YouTube channel, a charity, recommendations of a private therapy route (can't currently afford private psychiatry, nervous about private therapy because my last therapy was crap and I mask the second someone seems insincere but if anyone has been down the private therapy route, knowing what worked would still help), a daily practice, whatever, throw it at me!

A little *extra* info - I'm socially isolated and find it extremely difficult to get out and about. I don't work and don't live near any friends (and only have 2 real friends anyway). No partner. My worst symptoms overall are anxiety and dissociation, but after a big unmasking of symptoms after a few years of insane struggle, I fully believe I have BPD alongside CPTSD (known for a while), possibly something like autism as well but I don't know because I can't get assessed because (see start of post) haha. I'm in my mid 30s if that makes a difference.

I had a resurgence of self harm on an SSRI earlier this year. It was the 5th antidepressant I've tried and I'm now on low-dose quetiapine but I don't think I want to stay on it. In short though, I need support instead of just meds and apparently no amount of crying to my GP is going to get me it, so I have to find a way out of this hole by myself or with private resources and I can't do that without resources. So gimme! Please :).

Firstly I know about getting DBT of course but please give me any and all resources that helped you. To get DBT I need to go private and I'm nervous about that due to below experience.

The NHS (I love the concept of the NHS but holy fuck) is failing me and wearing me out. I am in desperate need of help and support but I keep being palmed off. This year has been a huge unmasking of symptoms that I'm too exhausted to suppress anymore and I'm 99% sure I have BPD but I can't even access the people who diagnose. This is the story of my fucking life at this point and I should have been assessed as a teenager. I've reached out to my GP over and over, for years. I've tried to get help at 4 separate GP practices. I've moved hundreds of miles within this time and it's the same everywhere.

I have fresh physical scars and I'm scared about what is going to happen if I don't get intervention but I keep being put on waiting lists, or referrals don't actually get done, whatever. No one is seeing me and the feeling of repeated rejection is hurting me and actively making things worse. I can't keep doing it.

I had a year of private therapy last year and honestly it didn't help because 1. I didn't realise I was in the middle of a mental health crisis, 2. It was supposed to be parts work but I don't think there was any integration, 3. The second I noticed insincerity in my therapist, I started masking and people pleasing to save her from feeling bad for me, 4. She was way too validating and didn't challenge me at all. Once I presented a connection as healthy (believed it was at the time), she latched onto this and bigged it up. Plot twist: it was not at all fucking healthy. I'm not healthy enough to make healthy connections. She just kept bigging it up. It's not her fault I'm in this situation but I'm now in a position that this person is my only support.

I didn't know what I needed from therapy at the time, but now I don't understand how I'm supposed to know if a therapist is actually good with DBT or not because they all list it.

So if I'm going to survive, I'm going to need a plan to help myself. My brain is fucking chaos. I don't have a lot of money because I've been out of work for years so please give me ANY resources. YouTube, podcasts, books, but don't exclude costly things because I can maybe make a plan for them for the future and can cover some things now.

I genuinely cannot be having appointments with GPs every month for no fucking reason. It's too much to manage alongside other conditions.

Hello all,

35f ET JAK2+, diagnosed April last year.

I am low risk and on clopidogrel because I couldn't tolerate aspirin, along with famotadine because I still have digestive issues as a result.

This summer, I seem to have developed some kind of mild photosensitivity. I've had heat rash before and this definitely isn't that. It's exclusively happening on my forearms but seems to affect my left arm more than my right. It's a patchy, very itchy rash, not dissimilar to hives but it doesn't quite fit hives. It only happens when my forearms are exposed to the sun.

I know that clopidogrel can increase heat sensitivity, and I do get warmer quicker now (I used to be cold almost all the time), but I can't find anything specific about sun sensitivity so was wondering if anyone else has experienced this?

It *might* be down to mental health meds, but I've been on various SSRIs before and never experienced this. The first two times this happened, I was on an SSRI I hadn't been on before. I'm now on a different class of medication entirely, no more SSRIs but it's happened again today. While it still could be something to do with it, it is weird to have the same reaction on two totally different medications. Unless the first one triggered something and my immune system is just confused now?!

I've checked and there's no indication that famotadine has any impact on sun or heat sensitivity. But just wanted to see if anyone had experienced something similar on clopidogrel, since that has been consistent since October last year and has the heat sensitivity element?

I don't know that this is the right place to ask but I can't find the information anywhere.

On the new ScotRail app, I've got a train ticket for a date in September but there's an "activate ticket" thing that wasn't on the old app tickets. Is there a specific day or time when I'm supposed to activate the ticket, or can I activate and download them now to make sure I've got them on the day?

It's taken me an *hour* to book this stupid ticket. This is the vaguest app I've used in my life but that aside, genuinely what do I do?

Thanks! Hopefully mods let's this stay because I imagine getting through to a ScotRail person who can help on a Sunday will not go well 🙃

Hello,

I applied for ADP just over a month ago and they confirmed my personal details on the 5th July. I was just wondering if anyone knows roughly how long it might take to hear anything else? I've tried to Google rough timelines but Google is a mess and there doesn't seem to be anything current (I'm sure there are stats somewhere but I've been having a lot of cognitive issues lately and just can't seem to find them). I have seen it varies wildly for PIP but I don't know if ADP is done differently.

Also, will I need to have an actual assessment by them before any decision is made?

Thanks for any info!

I'm on 25mg seroquel with the aim to increase after being on citalopram caused self harm (may have happened without it but I probably had activation syndrome or hypomania. Not sure, doctors were supposed to do another psychiatry referral but it didn't get done).

Initially seroquel shut my brain up, and now it's coming back with a vengeance. I can't currently increase my dose because I need to navigate an unfamiliar journey to the dentist which is 30 miles away in a couple of weeks and I'm already struggling with the day time dopeyness and cognitive function.

It's the first thing that has allowed me to sleep properly for maybe years, but I want to come off so I can do the damn dentist trip (grinded my teeth so hard I cracked my teeth on the citalopram) and also fucking think straight for one minute because I currently don't know what is causing my rage/spin out/ whatever the fuck.

But logically I know j would probably be in the same spiral without the seroquel so it doesn't actually matter if I stay on it or not, I just really hate the dopeyness. I can't drive on it. My car has an oil leak I need to get fixed but I don't have the cognitive function to figure out when to book it in and I keep spending my money because I'm too dopey to care about saving. I don't work.

I don't have a diagnosis because frankly the NHS is failing me. I haven't spoken to a psychiatrist despite all of this. The first referral got dropped off to psychology, who based all their questions on CPTSD (which I already know I have), told me I probably have CPTSD, and stuck me on a waiting list for non-specified therapy. So helpful for someone who was actively self harming and suicidal at the time ❤️.

I'm fucking lost. I just feel stuck. There isn't a single right decision I can make because I suffer whether I stay on seroquel or I come off it. Nothing helps. I don't even know if this is a question or just a rant but I just needed to put something somewhere so when I feel okay I can read it back and remind myself I still need help 🙃

Hello all,

Strange one maybe but I had ponies when I was a kid but for various reasons, stopped riding around 11 years old. I've had very slight contact with horses since then and have ridden maybe 4 or 5 times?

My fitness isn't what it used to be but I'm really keen to get back in contact with horses/ponies one way or another, either through gentle riding lessons or just to groom and re-learn about their care, or for the mental health benefits (currently have some struggles I am working through and I know equine therapy can be wonderful).

Travel is a bit difficult so it maybe isn't something I'd start right away, but if I can get an idea of what's around, that would be amazing! Google does throw up some riding schools but I'm having difficulty looking for non-riding and therapy related things. Thanks!

ETA: I'm near Glenrothes

I'm not sure whether this is autism related or what but I'm very open and honest with people. I kind of hide certain vulnerable bits but it's to do with certain trauma like "I struggle with this because it makes me panic". I tell people how I feel about them and I try and bring up issues if I'm seeing them. I don't hide shit if it's going to fundamentally change my relationship with that person.

But I feel like in every relationship I've had, I've had to pull the truth out of them? And I can see something is up before they want to share. They pull away, every single time, but pretend everything is fine. And I try and give people the benefit of the doubt and think if they just have a little personal thing to deal with that's fine. But no. It's ALWAYS things like having a whole other person they're interested in, or addiction, or something like that but they won't tell me until I've asked 10 billion times if there is anything they want to talk about, or I'll verbalise that they seem to be quiet recently etc.

Then they *finally* do the big reveal. Like yeah no I knew something was up, THAT IS WHY I ASKED. and then I'm somehow the asshole because I'm majorly upset that they weren't honest the first time I asked? But i shouldn't even have to ask, right? They should be able to come to me because I'm their partner and I've stressed the importance of honesty to me, and they verbally agree to stick to that, so my dumbass tries to believe them when they say nothing is wrong because they've agreed to be honest.

And then I get stuck because is this my taste in people? Am I still stuck in patterns of choosing dishonest people without realising? I've done so much work to try and recognise red flags, but the last person was more convincing than ever, and the thing they were hiding was WAY more devastating than previous situations.

Or do other people just accept that people lie and at some point, their person will reveal a big betrayal and that's normal and should be accepted?

I just wish people would tell me from the start, or when the feelings change, or the addiction starts or whatever it is, instead of stringing me along for months, or in this last case, a whole year and a half.

I was always told that not trusting people was extreme when I was young. I had really good reasons not to buy I tried to soften my view of people in case it was just a result of trauma, and now I'm in my 30s thinking I would have saved a whole lot of time and energy if I'd stuck with my teenage view of the world, because everyone seems to lie.

I was wondering if other autistic people experience this phenomenon of having to pry the truth out of people, and being able to recognise something is wrong before they finally give in and say it? Especially in the context of being extremely honest ourselves and making it clear that's a value?

Not looking for advice, just wondering about other people's anecdotal experiences of quetiapine/seroquel while having bipolar 2? I'm not diagnosed (explained below), suspect BP2, but it could be BPD or both. I do have CPTSD as well.

I am in two minds about whether I might have bipolar 2 or bpd. I was convinced it was bipolar 2, but my moods have been super erratic, they changed within hours, but there are also times in my life when I'm stuck in either depression or a productive cycle for a while with no clear trigger. It might be BPD and I'm actually being triggered by the state of my social life at the time, but I'm not sure.

I went to my GP a few months ago because I was struggling a lot and could feel an increase in suicidal ideation and speed of my thoughts (thought speed is important). They referred me to my community mental health team (CMHT) and put me on citalopram which felt good for a couple of weeks so I thought it can't be bipolar, because a standard SSRI is working. Worth mentioning that throughout this, I've been having a really difficult time with my closest (and only, now) friend. Devastating. My thoughts sped up again and I actually could not catch myself and I started SH for the first time in 15 years. It was like the floodgate opened then and everything turned into a mess.

Community mental health passed me to psychology, who focussed on questions about CPTSD. I gave up near the end when it was obvious she wasn't going to ask me about mood stability, impulsiveness, or anything that I was actually struggling with there and then. She told me I'd get one on one therapy but the waiting list was long. This really spun me out because that meant I had no hope of getting better. I took myself off the citalopram and got ill from that for a few days. After more than a week, I was still SHing and my thoughts were still so rapid, too many at once, non-stop, suicidal ideation, constantly questioning what I had to stay for (objectively, nothing) etc. I was self-medicating to try and get my thoughts to slow down just so I could survive. I phoned my GP and did the hard thing and told them what was happening. They have done another referral to the CMHT for psychiatry involvement and also prescribed quetiapine. Citalopram was the 5th antidepressant I've tried, and only Prozac helped before, but ultimately caused more dissociation.

I took my first dose last night and the difference 😭 Today I cried looking at puppies because they're so damn cute. My thoughts are still a bit speedy, but instead of flooding my entire brain, it's like they're behind a barrier and I've been able to actually think about things that aren't just my crappy situation. I've been groggy and spacey, but also more grounded than I've been for sooo long. Like so long. I'm 35 and my brain has always been noisy. This isn't the first time that noise has gotten overwhelming. The first time I went on Prozac, I was having multiple panic attacks a day even though my life was objectively good back then. I loved uni, I had a lovely partner, stable home etc.

So yeah. I was scared of trying an anti-psychotic. It sounds scary. But I'm so glad I did. I can mentally breathe for the first time in forever.

Edit: that is a huge amount of replies! Some of you reminded me that I have things on hand for this like Huel shakes, which I totally forgot about. I feel strangely supported knowing so many of you have your go-to basic foods for times like this as well. So many people I know in real life don't understand it when I say I can't eat food I enjoy sometimes. And so many of you have given me things I can buy in for next time! Thank you all!

I'm very shut down right now and don't have a lot of food options. I also don't like a lot of food aha. So I am sitting here, the oven is on for some easy food but I really, really don't fancy it. There are two takeaways that deliver to me that I like, but I definitely shouldn't spend the money and I'm also not exercising much at the moment so I should eat something healthier.

Pasta and tuna is my usual go-to when I feel like this, but I'm really off tuna right now. The idea of it in my mouth is a big fat no.

Or I could just have ice cream, but at that point, takeaway will actually be better for me. *Big sigh*.

I'll work it out, but I was wondering what others do when they're stuck in an anti-food mood? ("Mood" is definitely not the right term but keeping it for the literary smoothness).

JAK2+ ET, platelets around 500 at the moment.

Hello all, I got diagnosed last year (has it really only been a year?!). I'm low risk (in my 30s, female, no previous clot events but have had migraines with aura). I was put on low-dose daily aspirin but unfortunately I couldn't tolerate it and it quickly caused gastric symptoms, which a PPI didn't resolve. I was moved to clopidogrel (plavix) around November last year and take famotadine as I still get some gastric symptoms, but everything is much better.

I'm in Scotland and the sun finally came out for us recently. I spent an hour or so in the garden yesterday and got what I thought was heat rash. It's still there today so I now think it's sun rash (it's very grey outside today and a lot cooler). This happened a couple of weeks ago when it was warm as well, but not so badly. Having read up on it now, I can see clopidogrel can cause sun exposure sensitivity in some people, and I think this might be what has happened? I also react more to the adhesive on plasters than I used to (always been sensitive to it but it comes on quicker and more aggressively than it used to).

I am seeing my MPN nurse later this month and I'll bring it up, but I'm aware that there isn't really another alternative to the clopidogrel. The problem is that I'm planning on visiting some sunny countries in the future. I'm scared that this is something I'm going to have to reconsider. If anyone has had a similar reaction while on clopidogrel, how did you manage it?

A small side rant that is totally irrelevant to the question: I get that "your life shouldn't change" is supposed to be reassuring for freshly diagnosed people who are worried about the big C, but between medication giving me crappy, sometimes debilitating side effects (the gastro issues I had on aspirin), going back and forth to the GP and pharmacy, things like not being allowed the combination contraceptive pill but struggling with unrelated hormone problems and needing oestrogen, and generally worrying about the added cost of things like travel insurance, making sure I have enough meds for extended travel etc, trying to work out how to tell people that I'm not *that* sick but I still need support, my life has changed dramatically over the last year and a half and I'm annoyed that my haematologist just made it sound like it would be no big deal when he diagnosed me. I feel like I had no chance to prepare and I hate it.

If you are unstable/your mental health fluctuates, how do you guarantee your pet is getting the best care at that time?

In short, I'm desperate to have animal companions back in my life, but I live in a village, have no friends or family in the area and I'm currently not stable. I am scared of getting pets and then not being able to care for them, but I know a lot of people with mental health struggles manage pets. How do you make sure your pet is looked after in that time? Do you just crack on with it yourself or do you rely on help from elsewhere?

Here's some expanded context if you can be bothered:

I LOVE animals, grew up with all sorts, and ended up studying animal science and welfare. I've strongly considered becoming an animal behaviourist, or setting up an individual rescue or pet sitting or grooming. I nearly became a pet photographer two years ago. Unfortunately, my mental health has fallen down the toilet since then.

I am currently seeking health through the NHS. I made a post the other day out of frustration because I didn't understand how to get help. I went back to my GP today because of self harm (one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I never showed ANYONE fresh cuts when I was younger). And now I have been prescribed an anti-psychotic because none of the antidepressants have worked, and I will have another referral to psychiatry who palmed me off to psychology the first time. My GP said they don't think I have bipolar which I was worried about, but they do think I might have something alongside CPTSD. So in short, I'm on the journey to try and find stability.

I genuinely believe that I will improve more if I have pets. This is absolutely not the only reason I want a furry companion, but here is why I think having a cat or dog might actually help -

1. I currently have one close friend and there's no one else I want to stay on this planet for. A pet will help me keep fighting to stay and improve.

2. A dog would get me out of the house more. I love the area I live in and it's an amazing place for dog walks. I love nature and walking but I currently see no reason to bother when I could just stay in and avoid people. I also have a health condition for which exercise is incredibly useful for avoiding complications.

3. Providing routine. Getting up, feeding them, doing their water, doing any cleaning up, having play time and dog walks.

4. Unconditional love and companionship. I don't talk to any of my family. Only one friend. I get so confused in general with human interactions. I may have BPD or autism so I question people a lot, I have a lot of distrust, I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what people mean or if they're angry with me or if I've done something wrong. Interactions with animals are so much easier and nicer and more soothing and I never don't feel loved, because I always give my all to making sure they feel safe and comfortable.

But I'm scared about what happens if I get a dog and then struggle to get out and walk it. I would hate myself for neglecting a dog's needs. It would only happen in extreme cases but as I've recently struggled so much, I have come to realise that I can never discount extreme cases. There might always be a serious crisis around the corner. Dissociation plays a big role in this. There's no way I could consciously put myself before a pet, but if I'm dissociated, I lose all concept of urgency etc.

I think a cat would be easier but even then, I'm scared of not giving it enough attention and triggering a guilt spiral. I've had this before with pets, where I didn't think I was doing a good enough job of looking after them (hamsters) because I wasn't cleaning them out as regularly as I should have been while I was in crisis. My standards are extremely high. These hamsters all had their own huge cages, realistically missing a couple of days was not going to do them any harm, my flat was clean and fly-free, I know all the health signs to look for etc, but I was that unstable.

I'm totally rambling now, but these are my fears. What if the antipsychotics leave me too sedated to drive in an emergency? What if I end up not meeting my pets needs? Is there anything I can do to mitigate these worries and ensure they're getting care even if I'm unwell? What if I need a hospital stay at any point? How do you all make sure your companions get care even when you might not be able to?

This honestly feels like a rage bait post but I promise it is my genuine experience and I'm just so so lost.

I have struggled my whole life, have childhood and adult trauma, probably have PTSD stacked on top of CPTSD because there were some individual traumatic events mixed in with the other stuff (e.g. witnessing a family member's attempt, my own attempts and other things).

I can't work, struggle with dissociation, anxiety of just about every flavour, panic attacks, I'm borderline agoraphobic and I'm now very socially isolated.

I lived in England for most of my life and the furthest I ever got was the CMHT saying it sounds like I have CPTSD but without being in crisis, they couldn't help. I gave up. For a while, I sort-of started managing things myself.

I moved to Scotland but then crashed out again. I no longer believe this is 'just' CPTSD for a number of reasons. I have tried 5 different antidepressants and they don't help. CBT doesn't help. Parts work made things worse. I've tried so many things.

I reached out to my GP and got a referral to psychology due to concerns about bipolar (mum has it) or BPD. Things have escalated and I'm self harming. The psychologist "assessed" me. Conclusion? They *think* I might have CPTSD. All the damn questions were about CPTSD! They were about nightmares, flashbacks etc. none of them were about classic bpd or bipolar symptoms. They weren't interested in talking about how the medication was affecting me (negatively). They told me to go back to the GP about it. There's nothing else the GP can prescribe. I already know I have CPTSD. That wasn't what the appointment was for.

This understates how much I've tried to get mental health. I didn't just reach out this one time. I've been back to GPs again and again trying to get suitable help. I've had 3 different kinds of free therapy on the NHS. As I said, I've tried multiple medications at this point, and not *once" have I been formally assessed for any mental health conditions beyond depression and anxiety.

I desperately need to find my community but I feel like a fraud. I heavily relate to certain diagnoses threads and conversations but it doesn't feel like my place to join in because I'm not "bad enough" because I don't have a diagnosis. I don't know which resources I'm supposed to be looking at. I could get private DBT, knowing it can be effective for BPD, but money is tight and I don't want to waste it if I don't have BPD. If it's bipolar, then I think DBT isn't supposed to be as effective.

So, how do you actually get assessed for mental health illnesses?? What am I doing wrong? How do I access the help I need? Genuinely, is a hospital stay my only option?

I am crashing out big time and can't leave my flat at the moment. I have a psychology appointment tomorrow that I've had to change from in-person to a phone call. I don't have online access to my NHS records besides current prescriptions.

Does selecting "collect evidence for me" mean they will contact my GP, psychologist etc so I don't need to chase up all the evidence?

Is there anything I should still provide myself?

Thanks in advance!

I really just need a safe place to share this without anyone giving me their personal opinions like people I know irl, but maybe also some support ftom people who have been on this journey?

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I've spent my whole life struggling. A few years ago, I realised I have CPTSD. There is no stability in my life and there never has been. I've struggled with relationships the most. I cannot understand how people stay together for longer than two years. Every single relationship I've had has ended up in me feeling blindsided. I'm in my 30s and just don't understand how long-term relationships work.

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Anyway, I did have good moments in my 20s, but things have gotten worse over the last few years due to several factors. First I thought maybe I had autism (still think I might but again, will explore with the psychologist), then I thought Bipolar 2, and finally after tracking my moods, I've realised that BPD "fits" better. In fact, it explains a LOT.

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When I first realised I had CPTSD, I confided in a friend. They actually told me they believed I had BPD after speaking to a therapist friend of theirs. I felt so betrays and hurt that they shared my struggles with a therapist that I didn't know, I dismissed the BPD suggestion and ended the friendship.

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I'm currently in the darkest place I've been in for a while. I have recently self harmed for the first time in years because I've crashed out over a difficult situation with a friend, and I've realised how reliant my moods are on interpersonal experiences. I also realised that I've been masking for most of my adult life because it's been so difficult to access services that I've done my best to buck up and carry on. As bad as it feels to be totally crashing, there's also a big sense of relief at letting go of that masking. I'm too worn down to do it anymore.

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Over the last 3 years, I've lost all my closest friends and also cut off everyone bar one person in my family.

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I am super exhausted of trying to navigate my own mental health alone. I've tried so many things to help including free and private therapy (UK based), but I just end up struggling more.

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It's taken me years to get my healthcare system to take me seriously and get referred to psychology. I needed this sooo long ago, but I'm glad it is happening now. The appointment is next week and I'm kind of terrified because I really struggle to verbalise my struggles, but I need this so badly.

Hi,

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I have started an application for ADP for the first time. I've always struggled with work and always had mental health issues, but I moved from England to Scotland 5 years ago and for some reason, none of my English medical records transferred over.

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Since being in Scotland I have had to stop working and I was awarded LCWRA almost 3 years ago primarily due to CPTSD and the related dissociation, anxiety and depression that comes with it. Since then I've tried 3 different antidepressants (for a total of 5 in my life now but the others were in England), tried private therapy for a year and had the free access therapy offered by NHS Scotland and, finally, I've been referred to psychology as I don't know if I also have bipolar 2 or bpd, but I do know I'm not coping.

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I'm looking into trying to get my English records to back up a claim that this is a long-term problem as I've previously had therapy through NHS England too, but to demonstrate my difficulties, I need to print a form out. I don't have a printer and find travel incredibly difficult. There is a library in town that does do printing, and I've been trying to convince myself to get the bus in or drive for two weeks (I live rurally and have no support system here, unfortunately. My sister is visiting soon but I think it's too late for the deadline of the form). It's unlikely I'm going to complete the form and send it back in time to get access to my English records while filling out the ADP application.

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In the time since being out of work, my physical health has also declined. I have been diagnosed with a chronic cancer which causes migraines, fatigue and bone pain. I don't particularly know why I have such a large symptom burden, I suspect it's down to an inflammation component and chronic stress, but I do have a letter from my haematologist about how this impacted the last job I did.

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Is it likely that my medical history since being in Scotland will be enough? It demonstrates consistent struggles over the last 5 years. I will still pursue obtaining my English records, even if I have to put the request in again because I couldn't act quickly enough this time, but if I can't access them in time, will this make the whole claim pointless?

Just over a week ago I posted that I wasn't sure if I needed to go to hospital. I don't think I replied but I did read all the comments and thank you for being so supportive ❤️ (sorry, I don't know how to link posts!).

I decided not to go to hospital just yet. I have a family member visiting soon and I know I won't SH again before they're here because I'm terrified of them seeing things. As it is, I've made plans to hide the harm I did a couple of weeks ago (minor harm, mostly all healed but still very obvious what happened).

I haven't told my GP about the self harm yet because the idea of verbalising that I did it makes me feel physically sick. I wasn't raised to be open about anything. The opposite. It's incredibly difficult for me to open up. Despite that though, I've had continued thoughts of doing more harm, so once my family member has been and gone, I will find the absolute bravest version of myself and reach out before things get worse. I will write a letter and take it in for them to read. If things end up improving, maybe I won't need the hospital after all, but right now I'm not okay, just barely holding myself together for the time being.

I am fairly convinced again now that I have BP2. I missed the hypomania because I'm not actively doing much, but I have had a load of ideas about businesses I could start and for a minute there I fully believed I could achieve goals easily that would actually leave me in very financially precarious situations and possibly homeless if a single thing went wrong. If I was getting out and about like the average person, I definitely also would have spent my very tiny amount of savings on tattoos.

Anyway, posting here and reading the replies allowed me to actually get a little perspective and consider things that I wasn't thinking about. I have a plan now, and I think it's reasonably sensible, with the caveat that I know I should be going to the GP before my family member comes here but they've already paid for the hotel and there's a whole thing there about money between us and not wanting to let them down that I am NOT ready to address.

This is a great sub ❤️