u/Rare_Piece5699

I’d posted this in another sub about avoidant attachment but everyone kept saying this is beyond that and is actually narc abuse. So wanted to repost here:

I'm writing this out both for my own documentation and in case it helps someone else recognize signs they might be missing. Abuse isn't always obvious. Sometimes it's cushioned with nice gestures that make you question your own reality.

Here's what he did in the 8 months we were together:

Sexual & Intimacy Abuse:

· Hid severe erectile dysfunction from me and didn't tell me he was using medication until 3 months in
· Blamed me for his ED towards the end, telling me he had better sex with his ex
· Would moan about going down on me but always expected oral for himself
· Made me feel like my needs were a burden while expecting his to be met

Emotional & Psychological Abuse:

· Made "jokes" about my South Asian background and never bothered to learn about my culture
· Used my ethnicity as a reason to end things
· Screamed at me during the discard — full-on shouting over me, not letting me speak
· Belittled me, made comments about my personality and my body
· Made me feel like I was constantly walking on eggshells
· His own friends told me "to date him would be to hate yourself" — as a joke — and he never defended me
· I fawned constantly to keep the peace, because he cushioned abuse with nice gestures that kept me confused

\- Once I simply asked him to get me a snack before we were supposed to meet up for the day, and he lost it at me — said I was "demanding" and sent me a long list of everything he claimed to have done for me, making me feel ungrateful. He did this during my workday while he had the day off, and it made me cry so much I couldn't work. I had previously asked him not to communicate stressful things over text, but he did it anyway.

Control & Secrecy:

· Expected to know my phone password but wouldn't share his
· Was secretive about his phone and what was on it
· Was still active on a dating app after we'd agreed to be exclusive — I had to confront him to get him to delete it
· Would rarely take pictures on his own phone — he'd always use mine to take pictures of me or of us, which always freaked me out a little

Public Humiliation & Dismissal:

· Distanced himself from me at a wedding so much that someone commented we didn't even seem like a couple
· Was scared to show affection in public, but overly attentive to other women
· Never supported my career — I'm a consultant doing really interesting work, and he never came to anything I did
· Never came to watch me play football, even though he knew I loved it
· Always had to be the "main character" — never supported me in any visible way

Friends & Social Circles:

· His friends bought him a present at dinner (making sure to give it to him in front of me) but not me and even though this was my first time meeting them and if that wasn’t weird enough, the wife like largely ignored me throughout the dinner. It wasn’t his birthday or a special occasion, that’s just what they did to keep me “out”.
· His friends made comments about me not fitting in with their "outdoorsy" activities
· He berated me for never having skied, as if it was a character flaw
· All his friends were privately educated and clearly judged me for not being like them
· When we broke up, he announced it to our mutual friends and told them he "still really cared about me" — but he never once checked in on me after the discard to make sure I was OK
· All our mutual friends sided with him, which was really strange and isolating

Family Dynamics:

· He had a deeply enmeshed relationship with his mother
· His mother told him that as long as he "behaves" and does things her way, more money would come when she dies
· He was willing to perform for that money
· His dad had been physically and emotionally abusive to both his mum and his brother
· He would never talk about it, but would get incredibly defensive if he was compared to his dad in any way — even down to something as silly as both having a hairy back

The Discard:

· He used my ethnicity as a reason to leave
· He blocked me on social media after posting holiday pics with his new white, blonde, privately educated lawyer girlfriend and his promotion on LinkedIn
· He's now buying a house with her in less than a year into their relationship

\---

I'm sharing this because I spent so long doubting myself.

I thought: Was it my fault? Was I not strong enough? Did I not have good enough boundaries?

But the truth is: I did have boundaries. I did speak up. I did try.

When you're with someone who's committed to misunderstanding you, who uses your vulnerabilities against you, who cushions abuse with kindness just to keep you confused — boundaries don't protect you. They just give them more ways to make you feel like you're the problem.

I’d posted this in another sub about avoidant attachment but everyone kept saying this is beyond that and is actually narc abuse. So wanted to repost here:

I'm writing this out both for my own documentation and in case it helps someone else recognize signs they might be missing. Abuse isn't always obvious. Sometimes it's cushioned with nice gestures that make you question your own reality.

Here's what he did in the 8 months we were together:

Sexual & Intimacy Abuse:

· Hid severe erectile dysfunction from me and didn't tell me he was using medication until 3 months in
· Blamed me for his ED towards the end, telling me he had better sex with his ex
· Would moan about going down on me but always expected oral for himself
· Made me feel like my needs were a burden while expecting his to be met

Emotional & Psychological Abuse:

· Made "jokes" about my South Asian background and never bothered to learn about my culture
· Used my ethnicity as a reason to end things
· Screamed at me during the discard — full-on shouting over me, not letting me speak
· Belittled me, made comments about my personality and my body
· Made me feel like I was constantly walking on eggshells
· His own friends told me "to date him would be to hate yourself" — as a joke — and he never defended me
· I fawned constantly to keep the peace, because he cushioned abuse with nice gestures that kept me confused

\- Once I simply asked him to get me a snack before we were supposed to meet up for the day, and he lost it at me — said I was "demanding" and sent me a long list of everything he claimed to have done for me, making me feel ungrateful. He did this during my workday while he had the day off, and it made me cry so much I couldn't work. I had previously asked him not to communicate stressful things over text, but he did it anyway.

Control & Secrecy:

· Expected to know my phone password but wouldn't share his
· Was secretive about his phone and what was on it
· Was still active on a dating app after we'd agreed to be exclusive — I had to confront him to get him to delete it
· Would rarely take pictures on his own phone — he'd always use mine to take pictures of me or of us, which always freaked me out a little

Public Humiliation & Dismissal:

· Distanced himself from me at a wedding so much that someone commented we didn't even seem like a couple
· Was scared to show affection in public, but overly attentive to other women
· Never supported my career — I'm a consultant doing really interesting work, and he never came to anything I did
· Never came to watch me play football, even though he knew I loved it
· Always had to be the "main character" — never supported me in any visible way

Friends & Social Circles:

· His friends bought him a present at dinner (making sure to give it to him in front of me) but not me and even though this was my first time meeting them and if that wasn’t weird enough, the wife like largely ignored me throughout the dinner. It wasn’t his birthday or a special occasion, that’s just what they did to keep me “out”.
· His friends made comments about me not fitting in with their "outdoorsy" activities
· He berated me for never having skied, as if it was a character flaw
· All his friends were privately educated and clearly judged me for not being like them
· When we broke up, he announced it to our mutual friends and told them he "still really cared about me" — but he never once checked in on me after the discard to make sure I was OK
· All our mutual friends sided with him, which was really strange and isolating

Family Dynamics:

· He had a deeply enmeshed relationship with his mother
· His mother told him that as long as he "behaves" and does things her way, more money would come when she dies
· He was willing to perform for that money
· His dad had been physically and emotionally abusive to both his mum and his brother
· He would never talk about it, but would get incredibly defensive if he was compared to his dad in any way — even down to something as silly as both having a hairy back

The Discard:

· He used my ethnicity as a reason to leave
· He blocked me on social media after posting holiday pics with his new white, blonde, privately educated lawyer girlfriend and his promotion on LinkedIn
· He's now buying a house with her in less than a year into their relationship

\---

I'm sharing this because I spent so long doubting myself.

I thought: Was it my fault? Was I not strong enough? Did I not have good enough boundaries?

But the truth is: I did have boundaries. I did speak up. I did try.

When you're with someone who's committed to misunderstanding you, who uses your vulnerabilities against you, who cushions abuse with kindness just to keep you confused — boundaries don't protect you. They just give them more ways to make you feel like you're the problem.

I'm writing this out both for my own documentation and in case it helps someone else recognize signs they might be missing. Abuse isn't always obvious. Sometimes it's cushioned with nice gestures that make you question your own reality.

Here's what he did in the 8 months we were together:

Sexual & Intimacy Abuse:

· Hid severe erectile dysfunction from me and didn't tell me he was using medication until 3 months in
· Blamed me for his ED towards the end, telling me he had better sex with his ex
· Would moan about going down on me but always expected oral for himself
· Made me feel like my needs were a burden while expecting his to be met

Emotional & Psychological Abuse:

· Made "jokes" about my South Asian background and never bothered to learn about my culture
· Used my ethnicity as a reason to end things
· Screamed at me during the discard — full-on shouting over me, not letting me speak
· Belittled me, made comments about my personality and my body
· Made me feel like I was constantly walking on eggshells
· His own friends told me "to date him would be to hate yourself" — as a joke — and he never defended me
· I fawned constantly to keep the peace, because he cushioned abuse with nice gestures that kept me confused

- Once I simply asked him to get me a snack before we were supposed to meet up for the day, and he lost it at me — said I was "demanding" and sent me a long list of everything he claimed to have done for me, making me feel ungrateful. He did this during my workday while he had the day off, and it made me cry so much I couldn't work. I had previously asked him not to communicate stressful things over text, but he did it anyway.

Control & Secrecy:

· Expected to know my phone password but wouldn't share his
· Was secretive about his phone and what was on it
· Was still active on a dating app after we'd agreed to be exclusive — I had to confront him to get him to delete it
· Would rarely take pictures on his own phone — he'd always use mine to take pictures of me or of us, which always freaked me out a little

Public Humiliation & Dismissal:

· Distanced himself from me at a wedding so much that someone commented we didn't even seem like a couple
· Was scared to show affection in public, but overly attentive to other women
· Never supported my career — I'm a consultant doing really interesting work, and he never came to anything I did
· Never came to watch me play football, even though he knew I loved it
· Always had to be the "main character" — never supported me in any visible way

Friends & Social Circles:

· His friends bought him a present at dinner (making sure to give it to him in front of me) but not me and even though this was my first time meeting them and if that wasn’t weird enough, the wife like largely ignored me throughout the dinner. It wasn’t his birthday or a special occasion, that’s just what they did to keep me “out”.
· His friends made comments about me not fitting in with their "outdoorsy" activities
· He berated me for never having skied, as if it was a character flaw
· All his friends were privately educated and clearly judged me for not being like them
· When we broke up, he announced it to our mutual friends and told them he "still really cared about me" — but he never once checked in on me after the discard to make sure I was OK
· All our mutual friends sided with him, which was really strange and isolating

Family Dynamics:

· He had a deeply enmeshed relationship with his mother
· His mother told him that as long as he "behaves" and does things her way, more money would come when she dies
· He was willing to perform for that money
· His dad had been physically and emotionally abusive to both his mum and his brother
· He would never talk about it, but would get incredibly defensive if he was compared to his dad in any way — even down to something as silly as both having a hairy back

The Discard:

· He used my ethnicity as a reason to leave
· He blocked me on social media after posting holiday pics with his new white, blonde, privately educated lawyer girlfriend and his promotion on LinkedIn
· He's now buying a house with her in less than a year into their relationship

---

I'm sharing this because I spent so long doubting myself.

I thought: Was it my fault? Was I not strong enough? Did I not have good enough boundaries?

But the truth is: I did have boundaries. I did speak up. I did try.

When you're with someone who's committed to misunderstanding you, who uses your vulnerabilities against you, who cushions abuse with kindness just to keep you confused — boundaries don't protect you. They just give them more ways to make you feel like you're the problem.

I'm writing this out both for my own documentation and in case it helps someone else recognize signs they might be missing. Abuse isn't always obvious. Sometimes it's cushioned with nice gestures that make you question your own reality.

Here's what he did in the 8 months we were together:

Sexual & Intimacy Abuse:

· Hid severe erectile dysfunction from me and didn't tell me he was using medication until 3 months in
· Blamed me for his ED towards the end, telling me he had better sex with his ex
· Would moan about going down on me but always expected oral for himself
· Made me feel like my needs were a burden while expecting his to be met

Emotional & Psychological Abuse:

· Made "jokes" about my South Asian background and never bothered to learn about my culture
· Used my ethnicity as a reason to end things
· Screamed at me during the discard — full-on shouting over me, not letting me speak
· Belittled me, made comments about my personality and my body
· Made me feel like I was constantly walking on eggshells
· His own friends told me "to date him would be to hate yourself" — as a joke — and he never defended me
· I fawned constantly to keep the peace, because he cushioned abuse with nice gestures that kept me confused

- Once I simply asked him to get me a snack before we were supposed to meet up for the day, and he lost it at me — said I was "demanding" and sent me a long list of everything he claimed to have done for me, making me feel ungrateful. He did this during my workday while he had the day off, and it made me cry so much I couldn't work. I had previously asked him not to communicate stressful things over text, but he did it anyway.

Control & Secrecy:

· Expected to know my phone password but wouldn't share his
· Was secretive about his phone and what was on it
· Was still active on a dating app after we'd agreed to be exclusive — I had to confront him to get him to delete it
· Would rarely take pictures on his own phone — he'd always use mine to take pictures of me or of us, which always freaked me out a little

Public Humiliation & Dismissal:

· Distanced himself from me at a wedding so much that someone commented we didn't even seem like a couple
· Was scared to show affection in public, but overly attentive to other women
· Never supported my career — I'm a consultant doing really interesting work, and he never came to anything I did
· Never came to watch me play football, even though he knew I loved it
· Always had to be the "main character" — never supported me in any visible way

Friends & Social Circles:

· His friends bought him a present at dinner (making sure to give it to him in front of me) but not me and even though this was my first time meeting them and if that wasn’t weird enough, the wife like largely ignored me throughout the dinner. It wasn’t his birthday or a special occasion, that’s just what they did to keep me “out”.
· His friends made comments about me not fitting in with their "outdoorsy" activities
· He berated me for never having skied, as if it was a character flaw
· All his friends were privately educated and clearly judged me for not being like them
· When we broke up, he announced it to our mutual friends and told them he "still really cared about me" — but he never once checked in on me after the discard to make sure I was OK
· All our mutual friends sided with him, which was really strange and isolating

Family Dynamics:

· He had a deeply enmeshed relationship with his mother
· His mother told him that as long as he "behaves" and does things her way, more money would come when she dies
· He was willing to perform for that money
· His dad had been physically and emotionally abusive to both his mum and his brother
· He would never talk about it, but would get incredibly defensive if he was compared to his dad in any way — even down to something as silly as both having a hairy back

The Discard:

· He used my ethnicity as a reason to leave
· He blocked me on social media after posting holiday pics with his new white, blonde, privately educated lawyer girlfriend and his promotion on LinkedIn
· He's now buying a house with her in less than a year into their relationship

---

I'm sharing this because I spent so long doubting myself.

I thought: Was it my fault? Was I not strong enough? Did I not have good enough boundaries?

But the truth is: I did have boundaries. I did speak up. I did try.

When you're with someone who's committed to misunderstanding you, who uses your vulnerabilities against you, who cushions abuse with kindness just to keep you confused — boundaries don't protect you. They just give them more ways to make you feel like you're the problem.

I need to get this out because I'm spiralling and I don't know who else to say it to.

I (f30) was with my ex (m34) for a while. He's white. I'm South Asian. And looking back, there were so many "jokes" that I laughed off because I didn't want to seem sensitive. Jokes about my culture. About my food. About my family. He never bothered to learn anything about my background — not even the basics. And when I tried to share things that mattered to me, he'd glaze over or change the subject.

When he discarded me, it was brutal. He screamed at me down the phone. Full-on shouting over me, not letting me speak, making me feel so small I couldn't even form words. He used my ethnicity as a reason to end things. Not explicitly, but in ways that made it clear: I was "too different." I wasn't what he wanted. I didn't fit.

Now he's buying a house with a white, blonde, privately educated lawyer. She's successful, rich, from a connected family. Everything I'm not. Everything he clearly always wanted.

And I'm sitting here wondering: did I cause this?

Did I make him treat me that way because I wasn't white? Because my background was "too much" for him to deal with? Because I wasn't the kind of woman he could show off to his family?

I know how that sounds. I know it's not logical. But when you're screamed at, discarded, replaced with someone who looks like the complete opposite of you — it's hard not to internalise it.

I feel like I was the practice round. The one he dated before he decided to "settle down" with someone who fits the picture.

And I feel so ashamed that I let someone make me feel like my ethnicity was a burden.

TL;DR: White ex made "jokes" about my South Asian background, never bothered to learn about it, screamed at me during the discard, and is now buying a house with a white blonde lawyer. Did I cause the abuse by not being white?

I need to get this out because I'm spiralling and I don't know who else to say it to.

I was with my ex for a while. He's white. I'm South Asian. And looking back, there were so many "jokes" that I laughed off because I didn't want to seem sensitive. Jokes about my culture. About my food. About my family. He never bothered to learn anything about my background — not even the basics. And when I tried to share things that mattered to me, he'd glaze over or change the subject.

When he discarded me, it was brutal. He screamed at me down the phone. Full-on shouting over me, not letting me speak, making me feel so small I couldn't even form words. He used my ethnicity as a reason to end things. Not explicitly, but in ways that made it clear: I was "too different." I wasn't what he wanted. I didn't fit.

Now he's buying a house with a white, blonde, privately educated lawyer. She's successful, rich, from a connected family. Everything I'm not. Everything he clearly always wanted.

And I'm sitting here wondering: did I cause this?

Did I make him treat me that way because I wasn't white? Because my background was "too much" for him to deal with? Because I wasn't the kind of woman he could show off to his family?

I know how that sounds. I know it's not logical. But when you're screamed at, discarded, replaced with someone who looks like the complete opposite of you — it's hard not to internalise it.

I feel like I was the practice round. The one he dated before he decided to "settle down" with someone who fits the picture.

And I feel so ashamed that I let someone make me feel like my ethnicity was a burden.

TL;DR: White ex made "jokes" about my South Asian background, never bothered to learn about it, screamed at me during the discard, and is now buying a house with a white blonde lawyer. Did I cause the abuse by not being white?

I need to get this out because I'm spiralling and I don't know who else to say it to.

I was with my ex for a while. He's white. I'm South Asian. And looking back, there were so many "jokes" that I laughed off because I didn't want to seem sensitive. Jokes about my culture. About my food. About my family. He never bothered to learn anything about my background — not even the basics. And when I tried to share things that mattered to me, he'd glaze over or change the subject.

When he discarded me, it was brutal. He screamed at me down the phone. Full-on shouting over me, not letting me speak, making me feel so small I couldn't even form words. He used my ethnicity as a reason to end things. Not explicitly, but in ways that made it clear: I was "too different." I wasn't what he wanted. I didn't fit.

Now he's buying a house with a white, blonde, privately educated lawyer. She's successful, rich, from a connected family. Everything I'm not. Everything he clearly always wanted.

And I'm sitting here wondering: did I cause this?

Did I make him treat me that way because I wasn't white? Because my background was "too much" for him to deal with? Because I wasn't the kind of woman he could show off to his family?

I know how that sounds. I know it's not logical. But when you're screamed at, discarded, replaced with someone who looks like the complete opposite of you — it's hard not to internalise it.

I feel like I was the practice round. The one he dated before he decided to "settle down" with someone who fits the picture.

And I feel so ashamed that I let someone make me feel like my ethnicity was a burden.

TL;DR: White ex made "jokes" about my South Asian background, never bothered to learn about it, screamed at me during the discard, and is now buying a house with a white blonde lawyer. Did I cause the abuse by not being white?

I need to get this out because I'm spiralling and I don't know who else to say it to.

I (f30) was with my ex (m34) for a while. He's white. I'm South Asian. And looking back, there were so many "jokes" that I laughed off because I didn't want to seem sensitive. Jokes about my culture. About my food. About my family. He never bothered to learn anything about my background — not even the basics. And when I tried to share things that mattered to me, he'd glaze over or change the subject.

When he discarded me, it was brutal. He screamed at me down the phone. Full-on shouting over me, not letting me speak, making me feel so small I couldn't even form words. He used my ethnicity as a reason to end things. Not explicitly, but in ways that made it clear: I was "too different." I wasn't what he wanted. I didn't fit.

Now he's buying a house with a white, blonde, privately educated lawyer. She's successful, rich, from a connected family. Everything I'm not. Everything he clearly always wanted.

And I'm sitting here wondering: did I cause this?

Did I make him treat me that way because I wasn't white? Because my background was "too much" for him to deal with? Because I wasn't the kind of woman he could show off to his family?

I know how that sounds. I know it's not logical. But when you're screamed at, discarded, replaced with someone who looks like the complete opposite of you — it's hard not to internalise it.

I feel like I was the practice round. The one he dated before he decided to "settle down" with someone who fits the picture.

And I feel so ashamed that I let someone make me feel like my ethnicity was a burden.

TL;DR: White ex made "jokes" about my South Asian background, never bothered to learn about it, screamed at me during the discard, and is now buying a house with a white blonde lawyer. Did I cause the abuse by not being white?

My relationship with my abusive ex ended at the end of 2024, where he abruptly ended things with me without giving me much reason apart from that he needed to be by himself. His other reason was that I was of Asian descent and his white family wouldn’t be so happy about that (why hadn’t he thought of this when he first got with me? I wasn’t white then or something)?

During our 8 month relationship, he had issues with ED which he blamed me for and would constantly put me down as “jokes” and even though he had millions in inheritance he made sure we split everything down to the bone by documenting everything in Splitwise.

The last ever time we had sex, I had to stop in the middle and cry because he made derogatory comments about the hair on my nipple. He just made me feel like my simple existence was wrong.

He hated showing me any affection infront of our friends but would constantly be touching and talking to other women like they were the only ones in the room.

When we broke up, I went through such a spiral, I was contacting psychics and tarot readers so I could get him back and he just stone walled me. Later I’d seen him commenting on a porn stars picture and that snapped me back to reality and I stopped the whole thing and blocked him and deleted him.

I even ended things with a mutual friend of ours who wouldn’t accept the many abusive things he did and kept charting it to “oh he’s just like that”.

Recently I learnt that within a year of knowing this he’s now seeing girl, he’s already sold his flat and is buying a place with her. She’s white, blonde and a high flying lawyer with a seemingly put together family.

He used to always berate me for never having been skiing and ofc she’s grown up doing all of that.

I feel like a failure because ever since then, I’ve tried to date but been unsuccessful because I’ve found that the majority of men are really not that great. It’s left me feeling really lonely and although I have friends who are brilliant I would OFCOURSE love to be with someone but for some reason I feel like I can’t seem to get it.

Before me my ex only had one other person in his life and hadn’t lost his virginity until he was 29. We met and I was the second ever person he’d had sex with, so him saying that sex wasn’t that great hurt me but also confused me?

I’m now 32 and I haven’t been intimate with anyone for a year. Id recently gone on holiday and had a bad experience with some guests making weird comments and the host said oh you should’ve come with a partner!!?

Anyway, I think all of this is getting to me and making me feel really low and I’ve thoughts like;

- did he take my ability to have relationships and steal and have his own life?
- is this new girl better than me? She seems it on paper?
- am I destined to just be alone and not be able to have a sustainable and healthy relationship that helps me grow?
- do people see me as weird? That I’ve been single for so long and he’s gotten in a committed relationship so I’m the problem?

It all came to a head last night when I was talking to a friend whose friend committed suicide and her life and patterns around partners sounded so similar to mine it’s freaked me out.

I AM NOT suicidal but it did make me realise that mental health can be so precarious and I wanted to post on here to just hear others thoughts/reflections/advice.

My relationship with my abusive ex ended at the end of 2024, where he abruptly ended things with me without giving me much reason apart from that he needed to be by himself. His other reason was that I was of Asian descent and his white family wouldn’t be so happy about that (why hadn’t he thought of this when he first got with me? I wasn’t white then or something)?

During our 8 month relationship, he had issues with ED which he blamed me for and would constantly put me down as “jokes” and even though he had millions in inheritance he made sure we split everything down to the bone by documenting everything in Splitwise.

The last ever time we had sex, I had to stop in the middle and cry because he made derogatory comments about the hair on my nipple. He just made me feel like my simple existence was wrong.

He hated showing me any affection infront of our friends but would constantly be touching and talking to other women like they were the only ones in the room.

When we broke up, I went through such a spiral, I was contacting psychics and tarot readers so I could get him back and he just stone walled me. Later I’d seen him commenting on a porn stars picture and that snapped me back to reality and I stopped the whole thing and blocked him and deleted him.

I even ended things with a mutual friend of ours who wouldn’t accept the many abusive things he did and kept charting it to “oh he’s just like that”.

Recently I learnt that within a year of knowing this he’s now seeing girl, he’s already sold his flat and is buying a place with her. She’s white, blonde and a high flying lawyer with a seemingly put together family.

He used to always berate me for never having been skiing and ofc she’s grown up doing all of that.

I feel like a failure because ever since then, I’ve tried to date but been unsuccessful because I’ve found that the majority of men are really not that great. It’s left me feeling really lonely and although I have friends who are brilliant I would OFCOURSE love to be with someone but for some reason I feel like I can’t seem to get it.

Before me my ex only had one other person in his life and hadn’t lost his virginity until he was 29. We met and I was the second ever person he’d had sex with, so him saying that sex wasn’t that great hurt me but also confused me?

I’m now 32 and I haven’t been intimate with anyone for a year. Id recently gone on holiday and had a bad experience with some guests making weird comments and the host said oh you should’ve come with a partner!!?

Anyway, I think all of this is getting to me and making me feel really low and I’ve thoughts like;

- did he take my ability to have relationships and steal and have his own life?
- is this new girl better than me? She seems it on paper?
- am I destined to just be alone and not be able to have a sustainable and healthy relationship that helps me grow?
- do people see me as weird? That I’ve been single for so long and he’s gotten in a committed relationship so I’m the problem?

It all came to a head last night when I was talking to a friend whose friend committed suicide and her life and patterns around partners sounded so similar to mine it’s freaked me out.

I AM NOT suicidal but it did make me realise that mental health can be so precarious and I wanted to post on here to just hear others thoughts/reflections/advice.

I’m watching this show and many times I felt like they’re being so harshly judged and pushed to the point of needing premature surgical intervention.

I just would love to see these girls stand up more for themselves.

Even with the DCC people having a go at them about social media I’m like…yall aren’t paying well enough to have a say in this persons social media so that they can rightly make the money they deserve.

So I posted earlier about a female neighbour (29) who assumed I was with the 70-year-old man staying nearby. That post is here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/women/s/1yqDzQtFEW

She went to check the building layout because she couldn't believe I was here alone or could afford it. Her and her partner also made degrading comments about me — including disgusting speculation about my sexual life.

I told the host about this. Her response was "live and let die." Completely dismissive. Basically told me to grin and bear it. So I went to Airbnb Safety to report it.

Now today — my second to last day and the couples last— the host came to see me. She sat down and was like "yeah I know that was really bad, but just forget it, you know, there are assholes everywhere." It felt like she was trying to soften me right before I leave. Like damage control.

She didn't actually apologise properly. She didn't say what action she'd take with the other guests. She just told me to let it go.

So now I'm stuck with a few questions for anyone who's been through something similar with Airbnb:

1. How seriously does Airbnb Safety actually investigate things like this? I'm worried it'll turn into he said / she said and the couple will just lie.
2. Should I send Airbnb any additional follow-up information now that the host has spoken to me (or not really spoken to me, just told me to move on)?
3. Is there any point asking the host in writing (via Airbnb messages) what she actually did about the couple, or will that just give her a chance to cover herself?
4. Any advice on how to protect myself if the couple tries to leave a retaliatory review? I haven't posted my review yet.

I'm honestly exhausted. I just wanted a nice holiday on an island I love. Instead I got investigated, sexually speculated about, dismissed by the host, and now last-minute "let's just forget it" energy.

Any advice welcome. Thanks.

I'm a 31-year-old woman traveling solo on an island I love. I've been staying in an Airbnb, doing my own thing — beach, journaling, making coffee in my room. Nothing unusual.

A female neighbour (29) who's here with her 42-year-old boyfriend just told me she originally assumed I was "with" the 70-year-old man who stays nearby. Why? Because we both make coffee in our rooms and he pointed vaguely toward my area once. That's it. That was her evidence.

She literally went to check the building layout to see if there were two separate rooms because she "couldn't believe" I'd be here alone. She also hinted at not understanding how I could afford it on my own.

Then she asked my age (31), told me hers (29), and when she mentioned she used to teach in Spain, she added out of nowhere: "I even had a Spanish boyfriend, ha ha ha." She can't even talk about her own life without centering a man.

Her partner chimed in that he "didn't think the same" — great, thanks, but that doesn't undo anything.

On top of this, I've had a lifeguard harass me digitally — ignored my clear "no," made sexual comments, called me "exotic," assumed I was gay because I wouldn't hook up with him. I had to block him.

And the 70-year-old man sits outside my room playing news loudly on his phone and forced a morning greeting out of me because he wouldn't leave until I responded.

When I've tried to talk about how upsetting this all is, people keep saying "don't take it personally."

But it IS personal. She made personal assumptions about me — my relationship status, my finances, my living situation. She investigated me. The lifeguard pursued me sexually after I said no. The old man felt entitled to my time. These weren't abstract events. They were aimed directly at me.

I'm so tired of being told to just let it roll off me. I'm tired of being made to feel like my anger is the problem, not their behaviour. I'm tired of explaining why this hurts.

I just want someone to say: yeah, that was personal, and it was shitty, and you have every right to be angry.

Because right now I feel like I'm going crazy.