u/Rariaroyal_Enigami

VOLing at a zoo for experience.
Once a week for four hours im on day official 4 ( week four ) and every morning when i clock in im lowkey having a panic attack i wasnt trained very well at all by my second day ( week 2) I was told i was by my self. And I told them i wasnt even hands on with anything and I could please get one more day id get it down… it was so much I tried taking notes as much as possible by week three i was alone clocking in and couldn’t figure out wheee to start since food prep wasnt trained to me and i was supposed to be done feeding my exhibits by 8:30am to get started on my assigned cleaning tasks for the day. I got lost trying to find my way to one of the exhibits and asked for help for directions and the employees stopped looked at me rolled their eyes and walked away. I found someone eventually who would stop and point me in the right direction….

I wasn’t given keys so I had to find facility workers to let me into closets for supplies to target feed my animals. I couldn’t find access to a stream exhibit to get to the giant fish to feed them and I had to around again to find help turns out it was another locked door that’s why I couldn’t find it.

By time I got everyone fed I started my cleaning tasks and didn’t finish until almost 1pm by my self. I was told next week I’d be prepping food by my self…
I’m gonna throw up from anxiety I’ve only ever watched on week one and gotten there when my keeper was already done.
I’m an animal care worker at my shelter full time so I have so much going on I keep and maintaining other people marine life ( offices houses etc) tanks as a side hustle. I’m at my AZA zoo to get experience and honestly I feel like quitting… my keeper/trainer doesn’t feel easy to talk to at all I felt like a burden even being trained because she kept asking me if I was good to be on my own so they wouldn’t have to cancel there sessions. :( I don’t think this is normal at all. I signed a one year commitment and I want to fulfill that but if I ask to be transferred to another trainer I feel like it’ll be so awkward. I wish I was anemone else every other new volunteer is openly having conversations with there zoo keeper and looks confident. At my own job I’m assigned about there volunteers a day. They go through four weeks of training with other volunteers and assigned paid animal trainer before they even reach me and even then I also feel like I’m very much willing to talk to them and ask about there work what they like so far what they need help with. Getting to know them.

Why do I feel so small here…
Last week I had to ask another zoo keeper for help on where to find my keeper because I couldn’t figure out where to start and usually my keeper has food made already :( I was embarrassingly handed off to another nicer guy who asked me about my background what I was experiencing and how I felt things my own trainer never asked in the four days ( weeks) I had been under him.

We found my keeper and he was looking at me like ??? Why aren’t you starting food?

EMBARRASSINGLY fallowed him and wasn’t actually allowed to start food prep was just told to watch. I DONT LEARN by watching I actually need muscle memory to help me!

Ughhhh this sucks I feel like ahit
And I feel all this anxiety about going in tomorrow morning because idk how to FOOD prep still. I took notes but idk where to find stuff in the prep room or what I can use and can’t nothing is labeled everyone just finds there own stuff by memory.

HELP idk what to do

I asked my friends what to do
And they said “ you need to de stress ur literally crying take a week (day) off tomorrow then go back and let them know what you need since you took the week (day) off and need a reminder”

And honestly that’s a great idea in wanting but I singed a commitment and I was so excited when I interviews and made it to second rounds…

I’m going to feel like shit for making others pick up my slack and what if my keeper is pissy at me next week because I called in.

Idk if I should talk to the vol coordinator
Because she said last week what I’m feeling is completely normal and all vol go through it. And that I’ll gain confidence soon.

I HAD confidence my first day before I knew my trainer wasn’t gonna let me be hands on with anything…

There’s only two places in my state I can vol and im scared if I leave here it’ll ruin my chances of ever getting accepted anywhere else….

Advice?

Is there a new cool down system when it comes to saves? I cannot add anything new to my edits file.

I can’t edit the title but this should be called “
I started as a new volunteer and everything is falling apart ! and I have anxiety lol”

I’m a animal care worker who wants to take my education further/ experience.
Tale as old as time.

I’m about four years into experience working with herps and aquatic life and have been working at a shelter paid for a year… I’ve worked with rescues for herps and worked with hobbist with Aquascaping, maintenance, and aquatic life care. Pet store work and entrepreneurship with the work.

I own my own fish tanks nano‘s and giant tanks same with reef nanos and large scale marine life tanks.

PLEASE give me advice because I’m on the verge of a panic attack and just quitting… I don’t want to but damn I’m so overwhelmed.

I applied for a VOL as an aquatic assistant at an aquarium and signed a document saying a one year commitment.

One day a week. This will be my third week tomorrow…

Issue is- I’m not getting it… my Aquarist Is moving to fast…
I’m overwhelmed!

My first day was awful my engine broke in my car and I broke down into sobs trying to figure out what I was gonna do financially and of course work and this VOL brand new gig.

So I didn’t sleep the night before my first day. Clock in time 7am. I didn’t tell them any of that because I didn’t really see it as an excuse to not pay attention even though I was clearly out of it.
ANYWAY

My very first day- was supposed to be my all-in-one training.
I would watch, ask questions, and watch some more. Get it down.
(According to my aquarist )

The next week (day 2) roles by, and I walk in, and she immediately hands me a basket of food and tells me to meet her at the tanks we feed. I got lost…. So I did an entire loop through the aquarium since it’s one giant path 😭

So last week I watched and this week my second day I’m feeding alone without them ever watching to make sure I’m doing it right. Feels weird
…

Target feeding ginormous strong 5ft long surgeons BY MY SELF.

Another thing my trainer WISPERs everything they are saying in an aquarium where water is rushing AT ALL TIMES.

And when I ask if they can repeat themselves I STILL CANT HEAR her.
I can barely understand anyone over the radio.
Sooo after feeding I fallow along.
She wants things done in species order in the quarantine tanks for salt water.

And they are being called by their scientific name. ;-;
I’m doomed . I knew I should’ve done more learnings into memorizing salt water names instead of just the common names!
I don’t know why, but I was too embarrassed to ask for the common names to make sure I understood what each saltwater coral and fish name was LOL.

Tomorrow is my third day and final training along side my aquarist.
Then I’m on my own.

After tomorrow the next week (day 4) i’ll be expected to clock in. Feed and do all my tasks alone. Then find my way half way across the facility with keys, I don’t have access to- AND do more water changes. And filter changes.

IM HAVING AN ANXIETY ATTACK
I FEEL LIKE I don’t remember anything.
Why do I feel so unprepared I have experience just not at this large of a scale! I didn’t think training was going to be this difficult for me to grasp… like I know what I’m supposed to do but I can’t remeber how to do it and if I fuck up, I CANT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

everyone is so closed off from new people even the other vol don’t look at me when I greet them for clock in time.
It’s feels like a boot camp.

Also i’m legit having a crisis over not remembering where to go for each feeding. Without keys.

I legit feel like this wasn’t the experience I had in mind I kind of wish I had went with being a animal care assistant
All of the mammal and aviary enclosures look so close together 😩

And the VoLs and interns looks so happy chatting and the aquarists look SO unhappy and I feel so intimidated, asking questions.

It makes me feel like I don’t even wanna show up or commit to the year anymore. I wanna learn but I feel like they’re rushing me to be on my own.
She looks disappointed I didn’t immediately fall into it by week two a.k.a. day two. I have experience yes but not at this large of a scale in an aquarium am I just stupid 😭?

Is this normal and do I just need to suck it up?

Oh btw the cherry on top.

To get to my clock in time since my car engine died I have to be up by 3 AM VERY LATEST to make sure I look kept and awake. Get ready. Leave by 5am walk to the buss ride it to the train station-
because the only train to the aquarium that will get there in time leaves at 5:33am!

hop onto one Line then get off that train

WAIT for another train.

get on that one and I’ll be there by 6:55am since the walk from the station to the front doors is 25 mins.

clock in time is 7am.

people usually get there early apparently… so no radios. Meaning I can’t call for help if I need it.

All this for experience I’m so far really stressed out. The car situation is a major part of it, but I don’t think I’ll be allowed to reapply. If I quit due to not being able to get there, lol.

When I applied and did the interview, I had access to a car LOL.

With my car it only takes me 30 minutes on the high way to get to the aquarium.

Now it takes me a little over an hour and forty minutes to get to the aquarium and longer getting back home. Don’t get my started on the bum men cat calling me on the public transportation… city issues.
This is on my only day off since I work two jobs in animal care.

I was so excited but I feel like I’m sabotaging this opportunity and I won’t be allowed back if I quit just because this moment in time isn’t right. All due to my STUPID CAR. I literally paid $180 on an oil change a day before the engine stopped.. LOL
Ugh I was so excited for a positive new experience. I bought myself new khaki shorts that had water proof pockets for my cell phone AND new belt that didn’t look like dogs clawed on the leather lol.
Then it all went poof. I’m really stressed out.

:(

TRIGGER FOR DEPRESSION ⚠️⚠️⚠️ TRIGGER FOR TOXIC HOME LIFE ⚠️⚠️⚠️

This is kind of a rant to make my self feel better about my situation I got my self into. And I’m currently in a fight with my mother.
I’m 21 female
I was home schooled from 1st grade to 12th grade and almost didn’t graduate with a diploma because I never actually learned basics. I learned to read and write form Minecraft my only friends were weirdos on Skype and amino the whole deal with unrestricted access to the Internet…
Isolated from everyone severe anxiety and depression I’ve quit so many things because I can’t handle it.

I self sabotage myself with friends and relationships. I never had my first kiss or hand holding I’ve never had a first date officially. I’m 21 mind u .

I’ve never had a crush. I swear I’m ace sexual to people but a part of me thinks it’s because I never grew up around people to develop what I do like. So I just don’t like anything.

Depression is an all time high
I kinda planned to end it I think subconsciously. And ran up my credit card. Well karma said lol you wanna act dumb? Here’s a reality check. And my car engine stopped working. It needs a whole new engine. I’m now paying off a useless car…
I tried re homing my animals I’ve had since I was 17. But no one wants my full grown lizards lol. I rehomed one snake ( I have 3 ) and I can’t figure out how to straight myself out.

My family is a pig pen.
I love them but along with homeschooling hygiene wasn’t taught so dishes pile in the sink for weeks at a time Meaning they cover the counters and stove and table trash everywhere the dogs track in dirt and it doesn’t get swept. Clothes get tossed around the floor leading into the laundry room.

They don’t get washed for weeks until the kids are out of clothes then it’s a fight for the machine.

My sisters hide there under clothes under the sink because they peed the bed or got there periods… i keep telling them to put them straight into the wash if they are so concerned about it. But it’s a habit I can’t get them to break I’m not really sure how it started we are almost 13 years apart in age.

My own room is a mess I have no room for anything I struggle to put away my clean clothes. I’m so drained. Once a week I’ll go around my room organize it for it to become a mess again in a few days to where I can barely see the floor… trash I’ve been pretty good keeping them out of my room by taking it student outside into the big weekly trash pick up can.

My mom actually just got done yelling at me calling me a bich and lazy because I don’t help. NO ONE HELPS THEM SELVES that’s the problem. No one was raised to clean.

Tbf I’m not innocent I should start taking care of my self and not racking up debt. Here’s a the kick I don’t pay rent… I’ve offered but they said no unfortunately i’m a retail worker. I wasn’t educated or prepped for college. I didn’t take my SATs. I don’t qualify for any scholarships meaning I have to pay for college with money I do not have and they do not have…

Meaning I don’t have the self-worth to do anything with my self I loved marine biology. I became an Aquarist at a fish store and vol at the aquarium as an assistant I wanted to get in without collage buuuut it’s not working… and the depression got a little to loud and I fell… i’m not really sure I guess my parents thought I would put on my big boy pants, my man pants, my adult pants walk out the door one day and be a fully educated responsible adult….
It didn’t work it’s like letting an dr u g addict stay in ur house and then be like why are you not immediately sober and clean?!? Except mines was spending money like I was 15 with my first job because I don’t think I ever really passed that mindset. Covid hit when I was 15 so everyone I knew kind of joined my isolated world but when they got to go back outside I didn’t…

Anyway rant over I got yelled at pretty good tonight and it’s starting to make a left and right voice in my head go off. Do I kick my self out of the house and go homeless? Or should I keep my head down save up some money after I pay my debts and bounce the homeless rote? Idk I don’t really understand the way this world works… I was kind of raised to be told. I’m a very pretty young lady. I’m 5 foot 90 pounds. And i can easily be sold off if a man grabbed on the streets.

But idk what else to do.
Other than letting the depression get a little to loud for my comfort. I don’t have any plans or motives… I wasn’t raised that way I don’t know basic math I am still learning grammar and writing everyday.

I know a stupid amount about marine life due to probs some undiagnosed autism. I graduated with a 1.9 LMAO ( k12 HS)
I AM USELESS.
I was made useless. I wish I was raised to be successful..
surprisingly, my parents are not religious but it somehow feels worse like damn at least religious psychosis gives you a mask

I just had an absurd shitty hand. I understand I could pull myself up out of the situation and I wish I had been smart enough to not fall into this trap I got my self into.

I don’t even know where to start.
I’ve tried talking to other subreddits financial planning, financial budgeting

Most of the responses I got
“ I hope your parents kick you out. Nothing is gonna work on you”

I just wanna be comfortable

My cousin just got into med school strident out of HS she was public school
We stopped talking when she was a sophomore in HS because she said no one liked me because I was the weird home school kid…
Her dad’s family is paying for her school.
She’s really smart.

My biological dad wanted a boy so he left and had another girl that was born 3 months after I was. He paid her CS growing up and is now paying her collage…

I wanted to go to school to… I want to go school for biology I wanna study behavioral.

I wanna do wildlife conservation and I don’t want to get married or have kids
I wanna feel smart and like I was set up for success form the moment I stepped foot into kindergarten and middle school and high school.

It makes me mad!
Why am so dumb.

I need to get out of this house.
But I have issues it probably need to be an anxiety medication which I was originally on, but my family said that I could moderate it myself, and I didn’t need to be on meds.

So I stopped I actually do think I need to be on those because I can get really mean I have way too much pinup fillings that I can say hurtful stuff in very small sentences that cause really big fights.

I need to be on ADHD meds. I have way too much going on and I keep adding more to my plate and it’s really hard.

Depression, obviously don’t have money for a therapist right now or insurance for a therapist and my work doesn’t provide it.

So would be big it’s so involved with animal welfare. I’ve worked at the shelters for a while. Meaning I know what goes on in the background and I really need to rehome my animals so I can get myself out of this house. But doing what I know I cannot surrender up to the shelter, but it’s equally been as hard to find them homes because they’re fully grown.

Take me a huge fight right now with my family. It’s currently midnight and I know I’m talking about getting out of this house, but I need to do it safely and smart. At the same time I need to be taking extra shifts. To pay off my stupidity. So I could save up money to get out of here. I’m just scared they’re gonna pull the trigger a little faster. It kick me out themselves.

I didn’t decide to work with animals until I was 18. I found grounding myself in ANIMAL. Work helped my mental health because I was helping others living things and had purpose. So I’ve been working in shelters and volunteering working as an exotics reptile manger and educating new pet owners.
I’m an aquatics specialist at my local fish store. I applied to work at the zoo as a volunteer for the animal care assistant.
And got an interview!woo! The interview went well we decided that I would work better in a tropical discovery center as an assistant to the Aquarius and herp keepers. My first two shifts went by. And I’m now on my own im loving it!!! The food prep in the morning is so much fun with everyone and all the interns! These are people who are wanting to do the same thing as me it’s so cool!

It’s only one day a week right now until I can commit to over six months and they’ll give me more volunteer shifts. And after a year I can apply to be an intern, they said.

It’s going great!

Except my friends aren’t happy for me and it’s bringing me down.

“ you aren’t even making money”

“ how are you supposed to make this a profitable income?”

“ are sketchy things going on?”

“ oh…”

“ * no response*”
Only one online friend has said “ oh my gosh, I’m so proud of you. You’re gonna learn so much.” 🫠 💚

I’m trying.
But damn they didn’t have a problem with me working in the pet trade, but they have a problem with me working at the zoo ONE DAY a week. Damn. Talk about considering who my friends are seriously.

How did they disconnect from find my?!

lost my AirPod Case leaving work I had them like 30 mins before I know that because I literally remember putting them in my purse. 😮‍💨 I went to open Find My iPhone to see when I last had it officially and it’s not connected to Find My iPhone, which is bizarre because yesterday I dropped them under my couch and used the find my to ping them so I knew where they went.. UGH how annoying now I have no idea if I dropped them at work in the building or parking lot or if they are in some weird void corner that’s obvious.

I don’t even know how they got disconnected. I am so annoyed right now. I have both buds they officially died for the day but no case. JEUDJFJFHFJ
SUCH A FIRST WORLD PROBLEM I KNOW, BUT I’M SO ANNOYED. I DON’T HAVE MONEY TO BUY ANOTHER ONE IF I LOST IT. BLAHHHH

“ you need to grow up”

“ go get a relationship “

“ go out with friends “

“ why are you like this”

“ you need to learn to do things for you self”

:P I was given an iPad when I was 8 after I was pulled out of public school for bullying from the teachers.

Guess what happened I’m a grown adult who can’t due basic math. I struggle leaving my safe space I have avoided attachment issues. I can be very toxic to my friends when I do make them aka self sabotage.

I taught my self’s to read and spell from MINECRAFT growing up. I’m very computer literate to an extent due to mods lol.

I was groomed on Skype because that was the only exposure to making friends I had on Minecraft servers. Oh and amino

I can’t write though it looks like a 6 year old got held back in 1st grade lol

“ you’re an adult now you can teach yourself” yeah I can but it doesn’t make it easier still to this day math is embarrassing for me and I only know basic addition, subtraction, and very easy multiplication to get by. And that was self taught when I was like 18.

I graduated high school by enrolling into k12 the online school. Basically cheated my way through. “ how did you do that with teachers” easy they didn’t check in on me 💀 I passed barely I had interest in some business and vet classes I was taking but they fired both of those teachers.

“ you should’ve been old enough to correct yourself and discipline yourself”!
Maybe, but this is already years and years since I was six years old of no discipline going into my education so yeah while COVID was going on and everyone had to get used to having no friends being isolated inside and having online classes, I was already used to it. The damage was already done lol. Covid just didn’t help.

Coops were so embarrassing because other homeschool kids parents would have a strict 6 AM be done by 11 and you would have the rest of your day to yourself. and these would be some smart kids, mathematically scientifically literate wise.

They just had parents that cared.

I remember being cornered as a child at these co-ops and being asked what I learned and what curriculums I use for books and learning websites.

I couldn’t name any until I started hearing other kids talking about their curriculum books and I would just say I’m on the same thing even though it wasn’t lol!

I’m a 21-year-old that’s emotionally very stunted with severe anxiety. And the only way I’ve made it this faris by faking it till you make it! You act smart :P so basically an annoying friendly open to criticism know it all…. Kinda toxic but what ever it pays my bills.

I have a full job in a chemistry based field. How did I do that? I acted like I knew things and got hired and actually learned the job so well I actually memorized everything that’s required in that science field LOL.

I don’t know if anyone else grew up the same way. I’m still kind of scrolling through this Reddit. But my family hates me. Extended family to. They think I’m the weird homeschooled kid who
Is now too sheltered to bring around.

Funny enough I’m not a child anymore, but I still don’t get invited to anything.
When I do come around for family events, I get treated kind of like someone with special needs. Even though i’m an adult who has human emotions.

Don’t even get me started on finding style. “ you look 15” i’m actually almost 22 but thanks. I guess I’ll take that as a compliment.. I actually just never learned how to do make up or layer outfits. I wear jeans and a shirt on my days off lol

Oh, and on top of it all they’re homeschooling all their other kids same way. :))))

I have a huge ranting problem in my notes. Because no one ever listened to me growing up so I can accidentally push everything. I dislike in ranting form onto friends, and that makes them distance themselves from me. Or maybe I distance them from myself to protect myself I don’t know .

I should try therapy, but there’s some level of me that feels like I’ll figure it out lol.

I’m very against homeschooling WITH NO EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND IN THE PARENTS. Due to my own experiences with mental health in physical health, it will drag you down to the darkest parts of your mind and make you feel so suffocatingly alone.