u/RaspberryTwilight

I desperately need help understanding if I'm overreacting or am I right to see red flags and also to get realistic advice on my next steps. I posted this on several subreddits over the last few days with no success. Ideally it would be a large one because i want to get answers, not just post it into the void for attention.

They removed my post from r/aitah because they thought it was AI rage bait. They removed it from r/justnomil because it's FIL, not MIL. They removed it from r/raisedbynarcissists because they don't allow inlaw posts. Justnofil is so so small the last post was 5 months ago.

Tl;Dr: FIL taking the opportunity to aggressively stomp boundaries with my toddler while I'm actively miscarrying.

I'm furious.

I'm actively miscarrying. It's a blighted ovum and I have come to terms with it. I'm waiting for a second appointment for it to be confirmed and treated, and we were in this impossible situation that my husband had to go out of town for work and we were afraid to leave me alone with our severe food allergy toddler in case I miscarry and need to be hospitalized. So we had to ask our in laws to come over and just be around.

I don't know them well and I believe my husband is blind to their flaws. So I trusted my husband's judgment but probably shouldn't have. We never actually asked them for favors before so I didn't know it would be like this. But we desperately needed someone to be here. It was the biggest mistake of my entire life and I will never ask them for anything ever again.

So luckily, my bleeding did not actually start while my husband was away. I was perfectly capable of doing everything. My FIL was just needed to be around in case something happens, maybe play with our toddler sometimes if he wants.

The whole time, he was smothering my toddler. He was constantly around her physically, following her around. He did not allow me to be with just my daughter. He always followed her. He did not let her talk to me, he started mocking her for being clingy when she did. I pushed back every time. I was rude many times. He still did not back off.

Here are a few examples. Btw it's giving predatory vibes, I know that, and he was never left alone with her. And I will never allow him near her again. Although I'm pretty sure I got the message across that we are not great targets for whatever this is. More likely to be an enmeshment or control thing but still. And as soon as my daughter seemed like she's in discomfort, I picked her up and took her to her room and locked the door behind us.

So here's the rest of my rant:

He was literally smothering her physically. Always trying to snuggle. Always inviting her to wrestle, hug, tickle, be physical. I never left the room and stepped in when he was hugging too long. I intervened constantly. My daughter was happy to play like this for about 30 minutes and after that she hated it and I'm telling you I intervened, I did not enable. I did it as politely as I could, but I came off as rude a few times I'm pretty sure. He kept trying and I kept shutting it down. I never left her alone with her. I took her to the bathroom when I had to pee.

When my daughter was literally running away from his smothering, he chased her into her room and twisted her discomfort into the exact opposite, it was actually very crazy and narcissistic. He said "Don't worry I'll play with you, I will play with you, calm down. I'm coming" she was running from him! And he pretended that this somehow means that she's begging to play with him!

And when he followed her into her bedroom and physically blocked the doorway so I couldn't even get inside, and he said "Don't worry, your reward is that Pappy will play with you again." For what? Why? She was RUNNING FROM HIM and she did not want to play with him!

In the mornings, my daughter needs to do her immunotherapy. I explained that it required total calm and quiet. In detail and politely. Then he came over to her, sat on the couch and would not stop talking to her the whole time she was eating her pre immunotherapy muffin "Is it gooooood? Chew it up good! Did you chew it? Swallow it now. Is it goooood? Remember, you have to eat the whole muffin. Eat it. Swallow it. Is it gooood? Chew it up." My daughter was very uncomfortable and I told him to stop and no need to rush her, she needs quiet and calm.

Of course, when I was administering her peanut dose, he went after my daughter again. She jumped on me to escape him. As a response, he bypassed me entirely and tried to use this treatment to play the hero, telling her, "Should Pappy do the immunotherapy with you? Okay, I'll do it with you. If you don't want to do it with mommy." Again, she gave no reason for him to think she wanted him to give her the dose.

Every time my daughter hugged me, he came after her right away and called her clingy. Complaining to me like "huh aren't they the clingiest at the worst times" and tried to redirect her to play with him. I said no every time. I said I love hugging her.

He was asked to leave repeatedly, he ignored it. He did not leave..brushed it off as us just being polite and telling him he CAN leave but like he didn't want to and he was happy to help.

And the worst part. I fucking told him not to try and change diapers. When my daughter announced she pooped and I called her over, he physically held onto her so she couldn't come to me. He then completely ignored me saying STOP and began stripping off her diaper to peek inside, only stopping when I screamed at him, NO NO NO and asked my husband to get him out of the house and locked ourselves in her bedroom.

Look I know I can't accuse anyone of anything serious based on this. But I'm never letting him play with my daughter again and if I bleed out in the ER while she's with social services then so be it. I'll put stickers on her clothes or something so they know not to give her her allergens.

I know it's not MIL, but there's no subreddit for FIL.

I'm furious.

I'm actively miscarrying. It's a blighted ovum and I have come to terms with it. I'm waiting for a second appointment for it to be confirmed and treated, and we were in this impossible situation that my husband had to go out of town for work and we were afraid to leave me alone with our severe food allergy toddler in case I miscarry and need to be hospitalized. So we had to ask our in laws to come over and just be around.

Look, I don't know them well and I believe my husband is blind to their flaws. We never asked them for favors before. But we desperately needed someone to be there. It was the biggest mistake of my entire life and I will never ask them for anything ever again.

The whole time, my bleeding did not start. I was perfectly capable of doing everything. He was just needed to be around in case something happens, maybe play with our toddler sometimes if he wants.

The whole time, he was smothering my toddler. He was constantly around her physically, following her around. He did not allow me to be with just my daughter. He always followed her. He did not let her talk to me, he started mocking her for being clingy when she did. I pushed back every time. I was rude many times. He still did not back off.

Here are a few examples. Btw it's giving predatory vibes, I know that, and he was never left alone with her. And as soon as my daughter seemed like she's in discomfort, I picked her up and took her to her room and locked the door behind us.

So my rant:

So he was literally smothering her physically. Always trying to snuggle. Always inviting her to wrestle, hug, tickle, be physical. I never left the room and stepped in when he was hugging too long. I intervened constantly. My daughter was happy to play like this for about 30 minutes and after that she hated it and I'm telling you I intervened, I did not enable. I did it as politely as I could, but I came off as rude a few times I'm pretty sure. He kept trying and I kept shutting it down.

When my daughter was literally running away from his smothering, he chased her into her room and twisted her discomfort into the exact opposite, it was crazy and narcissistic. He said "Don't worry I'll play with you, I will play with you, calm down. I'm coming" she was running from him!

And when he followed her into her bedroom and physically blocked the doorway so I couldn't even get inside, and he said "Don't worry, your reward is that Pappy will play with you again." For what? Why? She was RUNNING FROM HIM and she did not want to play with him!

In the mornings, my daughter needs to do her immunotherapy. I explained that it required total calm and quiet. In detail and politely. Then he came over to her, sat on the couch and would not stop talking to her the whole time she was eating her pre immunotherapy muffin "Is it gooooood? Chew it up good! Did you chew it? Swallow it now. Is it goooood? Remember, you have to eat the whole muffin. Eat it. Swallow it. Is it gooood? Chew it up." My daughter was very uncomfortable and I told him to stop and no need to rush her, she needs quiet and calm.

Of course, when I was administering her peanut dose, he went after my daughter again. She jumped on me to escape him. As a response, he bypassed me entirely and tried to use this treatment to play the hero, telling her, "Should Pappy do the immunotherapy with you? Okay, I'll do it with you. If you don't want to do it with mommy." Again, she gave no reason for him to think she wanted him to give her the dose.

Every time my daughter hugged me, he came after her right away and called her clingy. Complaining to me like "huh aren't they the clingiest at the worst times" and tried to redirect her to play with him. I said no every time. I said I love hugging her.

He was asked to leave repeatedly, he ignored it. He did not leave..brushed it off as us just being polite and telling him he CAN leave but like he didn't want to and he was happy to help.

And the worst part. I fucking told him not to try and change diapers. When my daughter announced she pooped and I called her over, he physically held onto her so she couldn't come to you. He then completely ignored your direct command to STOP and began stripping off her diaper to peek inside, only stopping when I screamed at him, NO NO NO and asked my husband to get him out of the house and locked ourselves in her bedroom.

Look I know I can't accuse anyone of anything serious based on this. But I'm never letting him play with my daughter again and if I bleed out in the ER while she's with social services then so be it. I'll put stickers on her clothes or something so they know not to give her her allergens.

TL;DR: While my husband is away on an emergency trip and I am actively suffering a miscarriage, my overbearing, boundary-blind FIL has been smothering my 2.5yo daughter. This morning, he tried to hijack her high-risk allergy immunotherapy to play "mommy," and shortly after, he physically held her and ignored my direct commands to "STOP" while he reached inside her diaper to check if she pooped, forcing me to scream at him.

My (33F) FIL and SIL have been visiting. They're from a large, enmeshed family where babies are treated like communal property and entertainment. They all live on one large property with all their kin, have kids super young, and grandparents are seen as the real parents while the actual moms are more like older sisters. So that's where his expectations are coming from.

I don’t allow this. I had my kid when I was 31. I want my daughter to learn strong boundaries, bodily autonomy, and that she doesn't have to perform affection for anyone just because an adult wants attention.

My FIL rarely sees her, and when he is here, he is incredibly intense and boundary blind. My daughter can't be in the same room as him or he will instantly snuggle up to her, touch her, talk at her constantly, with no end in sight. Partially for this reason, but also because we live very far, we don't go there a lot. And I'm not accusing anyone of anything without any proof, but some of the behaviors raise red flags with me. He completely ignores it when my daughter doesn't like it, and reframes and twists everything. Like my daughter is literally running from him and doesn't want to be in the same room but he says it's because she wants to play with him and not be away from him and tells her "don't worry I'll play with you, I will play with you, calm down. I'm coming" as he follows her into the next room. I'm just telling you this so you see that I'm not overreacting when I say it annoys me very much. And obviously I always say something and remove my daughter, so they hate me. I'm the difficult daughter in law. They say shit like "you know how she gets..."

So originally they were coming for a long weekend. But the week leading up to it, I was diagnosed with a miscarriage that can start any time and my husband was ordered to go on an emergency business trip. Someone had to be here in case I get hospitalized and they were already coming so my husband asked them to stay a couple of days. Last time we saw them was months ago and it was brief so I sort of forget how annoying and red flaggy this whole thing gets and I was just grateful not to be miscarrying alone while social services take my toddler in in my husband's absence, or worse, bleed out unable to call for help.

But my FIL has made this very difficult. He constantly talks at my daughter, hovers, and smothers her. If she gets a brief pocket of freedom to play independently (which she loves and desperately needs because she's being suffocated), he follows her into her room, like one time he even blocked the doorway so I couldn't even get in, and told her, "Don't worry, your reward is that Pappy will play with you again." It's exhausting, and it has forced me to literally hide in my own house and make excuses just to give her nervous system a break. Obviously in this situation I told him to please let me in my daughters bedroom and he acted all hurt I'd be rude like that but I'm telling you I was as polite as I could possibly be.

The tipping point happened this morning, just hours before my husband is due back and they finally leave.

My daughter is undergoing oral immunotherapy for a severe peanut allergy. By doctor's orders, it is a highly delicate, high risk process. She has to eat a good amount of food beforehand so she doesn't have an anaphylactic reaction, and the actual dosing requires absolute calm, zero distractions, and her heart rate cannot go up for two hours after.

First thing this morning, I very, very politely explained to everyone in the room that the immunotherapy requires total calm and quiet. I gave my daughter a muffin so she could eat quietly in a separate armchair. From the couch, my FIL started non-stop talking at her, instructing her through the entire thing. "Chew it up. Is it gooooood? Chew it up good! Did you chew it? Swallow it now. Is it goooood? Remember, you have to eat the whole muffin. Eat it. Swallow it. Is it gooood? Chew it up"

I counted him asking "Is it goooood?" 8 times. I am not exaggerating. My daughter didn't respond once. She was uncomfortable. He then got up, approached her, touched her, held her. I stepped in and said, "It's okay, she can take her time. No need to rush it, it can take up to 30 minutes, it's normal." I was already so pissed off, but I kept my composure and left it at that.

Then came time for the actual peanut dose. She was sitting on the couch next to my SIL (who was being wonderfully quiet and respectful but she's young and autistic, she's not going to stand up to her dad). My FIL came back into the room and approached my daughter. My daughter instantly jumped on me to get away from his intensity. I had the applesauce in my hands, so I struggled to catch her, but my FIL caught her first.

And here is the crazy part. Knowing how strict this medical routine is, he completely bypassed me and said straight to my 2 year old daughter: "Should Pappy do the immunotherapy with you? Okay, I'll do it with you. If you don't want to do it with mommy."

He literally tried to use a life-or-death food allergy treatment to play main character.

I firmly said, "No, I have to do it. It's a delicate process. Can't waste a single drop, can't play, it's like this. You're not trained to do it."

I didn't wait for a response. I just took my daughter straight back to her bedroom, turned the lock, and did her treatment in total peace by myself. I texted my husband to let him know exactly what happened and to tell them he's on the way back so they're free to leave. Btw they still did not leave. Ignored my husband's text completely.

So the yelling part. She was playing in the living room. My FIL snuggled up to her, to play with her. My daughter told me, she pooped. I told her to come here, I will check her diaper. She didn't as my FIL was holding her. And without warning, he started undoing her diaper and peeking into it. I stood up and said STOP. He ignored me. He kept undoing her diaper and looking. His hand was in the diaper the moment I stepped closer and screamed at him NO NO NO" he finally stopped. Then I instantly apologized and said "sorry I didn't mean to raise my voice. But I'm teaching her that only I and her dad are allowed to see her private areas"

I know my FIL thinks he's "trying to help," but I put up with a week of non-stop boundary violations while dealing with a physical crisis. I’m not trying to be mean, but I have to protect my daughter's peace and her medical safety. And tbh, it's giving predator vibes. I guess I'm truly here to see if I'm the crazy one or not.

I'm waiting for a miscarriage right now and my husband has to go on a business trip. We didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy but we had to disclose the miscarriage because we needed my FIL to stay with us for 2 days in case I need to go to the ER and have no one to watch our toddler.

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As soon as he told my MIL, she sent a photo of a distant relatives newborn to me, in a group chat with my husband and FIL, expecting me to congratulate.

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I need ideas on what to say next that would point out how inappropriate this is, without making me the bad guy because we absolutely need that help.

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Or should I just ignore, let them help and then bring it up some other time?

I have a c section scar from 2.5 years ago. I'm 8 weeks pregnant (I did not have PIV sex since conception and I tested super early so the 8 weeks is very accurate). Empty gestational sac measuring 6 weeks (12.6mm). I have no symptoms and early line progression was slow.

I never talked to the doctor, only the NP and ultrasound tech, the doctor is on vacation. They would not see me before 8 weeks but that's normal. After seeing the empty sac I was told to wait and see and come back in 9 days for follow up ultrasound. They did not check where the implantation took place (I asked, they said they don't know)

I'm concerned that they did not rule out an ectopic pregnancy near my c section scar. What should I do? I'm not a medical professional and I'm in Tennessee so it sounded like they were more concerned with legal considerations.

Neighbors kid. Yes, with a p, I did not misspell it.

Edit: I agree that Estefania and Estephanie are beautiful names. Nothing wrong with Estefany either. Esthepany is a creative and modern way to spell it, even if it's foreign. I'm an immigrant myself. Most Hispanic people would not find this spelling culturally fascinating. They'd mock it lmao

Edit 2: if a hungarian-scottish couple gave their daughter the name Ealonchae (Ilonka, spelled in a Celtic way) you'd laugh your asses off

Pregnant due in January. Scottish last name. We are white but I was born in South East Europe so I definitely have some Balkans and Turkish ancestry.

We're sure about Lachlan if it's a boy. It's a perfect match for the last name. We had trouble finding girl names. My husband wants short names. I want elegant and feminine but without any R sounds because American R is hard for me to say. I can say it but it's always a conscious effort to say it and I don't want to have to yell it 1000 times a day. So that's why we dropped the perfect name Vera and thinking about Ayla.

Is this acceptable in this case? We're not Turkish or Jewish. Would it be weird? I love the sound. I also like Isla but I don't like that it just means island. And Aila is like aioli (I cook a lot). What do you think?

Edit: I also like Niamh which means snow and it's a January baby, but people would pronounce it like Liam no?