My sister is a very serious feminist. But at the same time she entertains men/enjoys flirting with men who are in relationships. I can't help but find this hypocritical.
Also how did you prevent yourself from comparing your situation from others who may be getting married around you
I don't want to cut ties with my mum. She has been a very loving mother (outside of the stress she has caused me due to religion). We do have huge clashes e.g. I'm living with my partner before marriage and she is struggling to accept this. Her pressure is causing me immense stress..but I still don't want to break contact with her. I don't think she I want to be there for her financially and emotionally in the future.
Anyone else in a similar boat?
Context: my sister planned to go on holiday to Italy with someone. That someone couldn't go anymore because of an emergency situation. She had initially asked me if I want to join and I declined because I had some issues going on in my life. Then when she told me that the other person can no longer go with her and asked again if I'm sure I don't want to. The hotel and flight couldn't be cancelled anymore. And I thought 'ah what the hell let me enjoy a little, my problems can be dealt with when I'm back'. So I decided to go on holiday with her. I asked how much I should pay for the flight and hotel and she said 'don't worry I'll cover it'. While she earns a lot more than me, I still didn't feel comfortable not paying but accepted this in the end. She said just bring €200 I'll cover the rest there too. I decided to take €600 instead. Used it all up there.
On the last day we ended up having an argument. It was about my boyfriend.
If you're interested in what the argument was about, I have posted about it here: https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/sDCrcJUmV6
After the argument she said she will send me a bill for every single thing she paid for. Mind you in Italy it wasn't like she was paying for everything. Sometimes I paid for dinner, sometimes she did. It was 50/50. I accepted the flight and hotel because she insisted. So in the end I transferred her the money for my share of the flight and hotel. She has a habit of 'punishing people' after an argument. And that hurts me so much. Even if I was the one in the wrong in that argument, would this be justified?
I felt extremely hurt. Am I too sensitive or is this actually hurtful?
It's been 2 months and we haven't spoken since. Is it an overreaction that I don't want to stay in contact with her anymore?
Context: based on previous things she (F31) said, I think she wants to do this to see if he is a good person. Ask him questions. See how he responds. But those would be her criteria.
I'm (F30) with him based on my criteria. He loves me immensely and treats me well. Why should she meet him to judge if he's a good fit.
She also said that if I have a problem with this I would be a pick me girl who is jealous of her sister meeting her partner. Which is not true. I was just more of the opinion: it's my partner so I should be the one who judges if he's good for me.
She said when she has a partner she would also want me to meet him on my own... Because sisters opinions are important.
And i also don't think she's the best judge of other people's character. She's herself flirting with men knowing they have girlfriends at home and doesn't let someone tell her that that might not be the best idea. Also she has never really been a supportive sister.
Am I wrong in not wanting this?
EDIT: she has also made hurtful comments like 'he is not particularly attractive so you must be with him because he's good to you'
Context: based on previous things she (F31) said, I think she wants to do this to see if he is a good person. Ask him questions. See how he responds. But those would be her criteria.
I'm (F30) with him based on my criteria. He loves me immensely and treats me well. Why should she meet him to judge if he's a good fit.
She also said that if I have a problem with this I would be a pick me girl who is jealous of her sister meeting her partner. Which is not true. I was just more of the opinion: it's my partner so I should be the one who judges if he's good for me.
She said when she has a partner she would also want me to meet him on my own... Because sisters opinions are important.
And i also don't think she's the best judge of other people's character. She's herself texting/flirting with men knowing they have girlfriends at home and doesn't let someone tell her that that might not be the best idea. Also she has never really been a supportive sister.
Am I wrong in not wanting this?
EDIT:
1: thank you everyone for taking the time to read and respond! It helped me sort out my feelings.
2: I am writing this 2 months after she said this. After the name calling, it ended in an argument. We have not been in contact ever since. So I'm not entertaining her behaviour. I have just had conflicting feelings and sometimes I thought maybe I'm just too uptight. I don't think she wants to sleep with him but rather judge his character. I just don't find it okay. And I know if we are ever in contact again there will not be much understanding of my opinion. I will be labelled as something again. So I don't even know if we will ever talk again. Another reason why I'm even sad about this is because I don't have family apart from my mum and sister. But I just need to accept things for what they are.
3: for the people concerned for my boyfriend, I have been honest with him from the start! I told him the day that this happened. He said he is not afraid to meet her because he can hold his own. I warned him what I think it could be like.
4: after all of your responses, I have decided it won't ever happen in the future either. I should not be left out of a meeting between my partner and sister.
5: for all the people who are saying I'm too old to even be involved in this - I fully agree.
Context: based on previous things she (F31) said, I think she wants to do this to see if he is a good person. Ask him questions. See how he responds. But those would be her criteria.
I'm (F30) with him based on my criteria. He loves me immensely and treats me well. Why should she meet him to judge if he's a good fit.
She also said that if I have a problem with this I would be a pick me girl who is jealous of her sister meeting her partner. Which is not true. I was just more of the opinion: it's my partner so I should be the one who judges if he's good for me.
She said when she has a partner she would also want me to meet him on my own... Because sisters opinions are important.
And i also don't think she's the best judge of other people's character. She's herself flirting with men knowing they have girlfriends at home and doesn't let someone tell her that that might not be the best idea. Also she has never really been a supportive sister.
Am I wrong in not wanting this?
The exact words: 'he must be a good person that you're with him because he's not particularly attractive'. Am I overthinking this?
Of course this bothers me in a larger context of her being judgemental about and unsupportive of my personal life decisions for most of my life.
EDIT: the overthinking isn't 'is my boyfriend unattractive'. Actually this changed nothing about how I see him. The overthinking is rather 'why does my own sister say such hurtful things'.
I (30F) finally got the courage to tell my mum that I'm no longer Muslim. Initially, I never wanted to tell her because this religion gives her some kind of hope for justice. She was physically and mentally abused by my violent and pathetic excuse of a father. And she thinks she will get justice because God will reward her for her patience and punish him for his disgusting acts. She is no longer with him thankfully. I never wanted to disturb her belief in this justice because I know it keeps her going.
In the end I couldn't hide it anymore because she didn't understand why I was living my life in certain ways. e.g wanting to live with my boyfriend at least a year before I marry him. Religious or civil marriage. I will only do it once we've lived together for some time. But she kept pressuring me to do the islamic marriage and there was no way for me to explain without coming clean.
I feel so heavy for hurting her. She's been through too much in her life. Her parents lied to her and got her married to a much older man (my asshole father). They hid from her that he was already married and had kids.. Her own parents and brothers hid this from her. Religion is how she gets hope and keeps going.
Just wondering if leaving Islam affected any friendships. I'm referring to friends who are religious/believers themselves.
Ever since I (F30) moved in with my partner (M36) (7 months ago), my mum has been pressuring me to do the nikah. It's driving me insane. I told her I want to do it in my own time but she thinks this a grave sin and that there will be a severe punishment from God. She is stressing and hurting everyday. At the same time she is causing me a lot of stress and I'm not even able to function like a normal human anymore. I feel guilty.
I have mixed feelings because my mum has sacrificed a lot for me. She has done more than most mothers would. And she is the reason I'm able to live freely in Europe. She got us out of Pakistan, away from a misogynistic society.
My partner has mixed feelings about this. We love eachother and want to spend the rest of our lives together and want to get married some day (civil marriage). He thinks we would just be doing this Muslim marriage for my mum. It wouldn't be about us. And I understand him. He said someday when we decide to really get married then he would feel more comfortable doing a Muslim marriage. My partner is not Muslim and doesn't come from a culture of being told what to do.
The nikah that my mum is asking for has no relevance in terms of law and won't make any difference to us in that regard.
I am an ex Muslim (mum doesn't know) and my mum is the only family I have. I feel guilty but also feel bad for my partner.
Can be tips that keep the home / the body cool. Since German apartments don't have air conditioning I'm trying to keep cool in other ways.
EDIT: thank you all so much for your advice. Will definitely be trying these. I wish you all strength!