u/RoyZeee

I don't know what I want. I read "the book thief" and currently reading "crime and punishment" i enjoyed reading them but I don't know what my taste in books is yet. If you could, I'd love to explore to find out what I love and enjoy.

A small-medium explosion happens in your home, the person you love the most was severely injured. Their foot is blown off, fingers on one arm too, and face is disfigured. They lie on the floor and you arrive first, you asses the situation and call the emergency line in a matter of seconds. They are still conscious, they pull you with what they have left of power and ask you to promise to take care of yourself; you encourage them that they will not leave you, but they make you promise. As soon as you do, they lose their power. Do you perform CPR while waiting for the ambulance to arrive, or do you let them die?

EDIT: i realized i should have added my opinion
I believe I would not try to save their life, as that is selfish, I would rather they leave me than force them back to live a low-quality life.

I'm an MS but I haven't been doing anything to show that I want it or deserve it, haven't been answering or going preaching. I don't want to get visits trying to encourage me to keep working, I want to stop being an MS and stop having anything expected of me. I will need to attend the meeting with pios because I was practically forced to be an auxiliary this month, I also need to attend the meeting with elders or it will be super suspicious. I never needed anyone to tell me to go preach but as I am now the way I am my mom keeps questioning me and saying I'm supposed to be better than this. I have many things to worry about and I literally am getting grey hairs and losing a lot of weight from how much I'm stressing.

I don't know why I'm so anxious, and I don't know what to do about it.

"you're not coming back to see me?"

That's what my dying grandmother told my mother when she said she's leaving. My heart is breaking to a million pieces. What a life we lead, what purpose is there?

My grandmother takes peace in her daughter's presence. And why wouldn't she? She held her inside her guts, she birthed her over 60 years ago! She raised her, taught her everything she knows! Fed her, helped her shit, put her to bed! How could she not find solice in her presence? But, then, what will her daughter find when she is no longer with her? Will she feel a ravaging loneliness that eats her up every time she remembers the person that was never not by her side from literally the first moment she was a cell of life? You can already see the swollen-crimson-colored eyes that cannot believe that someone who used to be so strong and full of life now has death standing above her, extending an arm, while she keeps shooing him away, but he doesn't listen. He wants what he believes is his to take. What coldness his heart is, what hurt him so much that he allows himself to cause such misery?

The temperature is really hot, but somehow the room feels like you're by the riverbank and there's a slight breeze. Mosquitos are biting and flying insects are getting in your ears and nose. Your ass hurts because of all the tiny rocks you're sitting on. Your socks are moist and stuck to your skin. A crab is pinching your thighs. You can't move, you have to sit in the nice cool breeze.

What a joke.

I will happily summarize by saying "jehovah fooled them indirectly by allowing the false prophets to lie and fool them" lets see how they would digest this statement (implied by the reference) when comparing it to how they say jehovah does not cause evil he allows it exist. By their anology, it is appropriate to say he causes evil 😁

I commented this somewhere but I felt it deserves to be a humorous post

I am a PIMO MS, I don't want to be an MS anymore because the idea of being of any responsibility in this religion annoys me.

I am already "falling behind", arriving on time leaving on time, not giving answers, not going in ministry. It has been this way for around 2 months now. My mom noticed and told me I should put my act together because I have responsibilities, I just brushed her off.
The CO is visiting in 2 weeks, I have the jewels in the tuesday meeting. I am almost certain there will be a meeting with him regarding my behavior but it might go unnoticed with all the havoc going on in the congregation right now. I'm thinking if I should approach him as a "friend" and ask him to tell the elders I don't want to be an MS anymore because I am going through some stuff and I need a break, and that I don't want them to talk to me about it.

I got a call from someone at bethel a few weeks ago asking if I'm willing to serve (my A19 was still active) I foolishly said yes but they never followed through. It's just so overwhelming honestly and I'm not sure how it will go.

I wonder if talking to the CO is a good idea, what do you think?

I'm struggling with hebrews 10:39, this was my baptism speech title and my brain is wired that faith is only by means of this religion. I do not agree with this religion anymore but I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that I can still find God outside and learn what faith is even outside. Does anyone have any insight that might help me with this issue? I have been struggling for a while now, not sure of whether I believe in God or not, until I reread this scripture now and I kind of realized I am fighting the wrong fight. I believe there is a creator, but that is not the faith I have in mind. Actually, to be completely honest with myself, I don't know how I should define faith.

This post is all over the place, because my brain is all over the place.

EDIT: there seems to be the idea that I have faith in the Bible, I can see how one can deduce that from my post, but I need to clarify: I do not have any faith in anything other than that there is a creator. I'm struggling with building up from that, that's what this post was meant to be about.

I posted a while ago on this sub and I was still quite brainwashed. I'm seeing the real truth now and able to discern what I wouldn't allow myself to think about before. I deleted that post because I was scared but I no longer am. I don't know how I went from being 100% PIMI regular pioneering MS to absolutely 0% convinced that this is the way in less than a year. It's weirdly freeing.

I confided in a dear friend of mine who I always suspected to be not such a believer and she was so supportive of me, she is a little brainwashed because she wants me to stay just so I don't lose my friends but she's having a tough time convincing me. I myself don't know how to juggle the fact that when I leave my friends who supposedly love me no matter what will stop talking to me. I don't know when I'll muster up the courage to break it to my family that I don't really want to walk this path anymore (I was the strongest spiritually in the family, my brother never got baptized, sister and dad inactive and dont care much) It's just my mom I worry about because she seems to like the fact that I walk this path, I hope she doesn't get heartbroken. She puts her family above all else though, I'm not scared I'll lose her I'm scared I'll upset her.

This was just a rant I felt like sharing my experience so I don't feel alone.

I want to know how I can improve my writing in any way you think would apply in my case

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Oi-fctEy-lWdjT6t\_kK-9dNpVRnMA6qB1KtVXPndZZo/edit?usp=drivesdk

I'm not what you think I am
I don't think you understand
What I can do.
I can kill, I can cry
I can love, I can die
I can laugh, and I can live.

But what can't I do?!
I can't have faith
I can't save my life
I can't know my thoughts
I can't understand God.
Who is he?
What even is he?
Do I hate him?

I don't know.

What do I believe?
It isn't easy
Living under a ruler you don't know
Doing things you're not sure why
Is the solution to die?

No.

Well then WHAT
IS IT?
How do you solve
This hopless misery that is belief?

I can't live.
I can't die.
I can't kill.
I can't cry.
But I can laugh.
But I can love.
Is that really enough?

I don't know.

But, it's all I've got.
So I will live
And I will love
Until I know better
Hopefully that isn't never.