u/SOLOKUSOLOS

Hello everyone I just found this subreddit. I wanted to share some of my story as I'm just crying sat here about this issue. I'm 20M. But this issue didn't start recent for me. It started 4 years ago when I was 16. I didn't know what it was. I was just embarrassed by it. I was in college back then and just didn't know why this was happening to me. Maybe I was eating a lot of dry fruits? Maybe I was eating too many noodles? I tried so much but it didn't stop.

Eventually after a few weeks I told my parents and we went to the doctor. Guess what the doctor told me? Everything is fine it's normal. "It's normal." I hate that sentence. From there on I got checkups every 6 months and every time they just couldn't find an issue.

It destroyed me. I couldn't sit anywhere because I was worried I'd leave my discharge there. I wouldn't hang out with anyone, not play sports, feel disgusting and dirty everyday (the only time I'd feel clean is maybe 5 minutes at max after a shower). I stopped wearing colored clothes, only fully black ones. I never went to anyone's house, always slept on the floor with a towel near my lower body in case I discharge at night, wouldn't go to the gym, wouldn't talk to ANYONE EVER. I had even accepted that yes something is won't with me and I'm never finding love because I'm not deserving of love, why would anyone love me? My family was annoyed by it. Which is funny because whatever they felt I felt 1000x worse. And nothing helped. Nothing. I'm a Muslim and we have to pray 5 times a day. For that to happen, we have to be clean, wear clean clothes. I as a Muslim, didn't even feel like a Muslim because I just couldn't pray because I was never clean. I lost all my identity, I couldn't see myself as a Muslim and I couldn't see myself as a human. I was just a weird monster thing that's supposed to just die soon somewhere alone in a ditch. There is much much more but I can't remember it all at the moment. In short I can say that I just didn't want to live anymore. Not in the day of wanting to kill myself but being okay with the fact that if I didn't wake up tomorrow, I'll be fine with that.

After around 3.7 years of facing this, one doctor finally FINALLY properly diagnosed me. For the first time I felt normal in life, I felt like things could be better. And then we had a financial crisis in my family. Couldn't get the treatment. For a long time. And that brings us to these past 14 ish days. The situation has gotten worse. I discharge like 15-20 time a day. It's red and liquidy and it has a metallic almost medicinal smell. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow since our condition has slightly gotten better.

I was reading posts here and seeing people talk about how this comes back even after surgery and it just made me cry that man I just want to be rid of this please. I want it to go. I don't care if they want to do a surgery and it takes me an year to heal. I just want to be free of this forever. I can't bear it anymore.

As a small note I will add that I have gotten better in everything else, I do see myself as a human, hang out with friends, do think I deserve love and all. But it still would be a lot better if this thing would just leave me forever.

Our modern life feels flat. Whether it's working, studying, learning, playing etc, the enrichment and the color is all gone. But when you were younger, this wasn't the case and the texture of your existence was just more flavourful.

I believe the biggest reason for that is we've become passive observers instead of active roleplayers. You engage as little as you need to, and then you wonder why you're not getting back what you had when you engaged more.

Before, you made most of what you have. Now you have so much that you make very little of everything and then quickly switch to the next. Think of a reel. You see it, enjoy it and swipe. Compared to this when you used to watch more long-form videos, you'd set aside time for it, watch it, engage with it, think on it, reflect, put yourself in the position of the creator and so on. This naturally resulted in a richer experience.

When you used to play games while younger, they came on disks that could break, be scratched or be lost and that made them more scarce. You also had less options to choose from. And as a result you always made the most of what you had, which results in a more fun experience.

You didn't have a good time because the world gave you everything, but because you gave it everything.

Your fast email has some benefits in different sites and people can add onto this if they know any, but currently I know of two:

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Google gives you one year of free Gemini pro and I believe it was a GitHub developer pack that you get for free? Or something similar (I haven't used GitHub much) that you can get just by having a student account. You also have all licenses for microsoft apps available to you

Yaar. Mera programming lab ka A+ grade ban Raha tha. Mid Mai sir nai esse hi for no reason marks katte the because I checked everything 5 times before submitting and after submitting double checked it too and Mera aik sawal galat ni tha. Sir Kai office Mai gaya to khete apne aik sawal hi nahi kia hua tha. I said sir recheck karein essa ho hi nahi Sakta. Sir nai kaha okay. Btw never happened.

Phir Meri assignments and quizzes Kai marks hi nahi lagae. I said to sir throughout the semester constantly Kai sir Laga dein, lekin nahi. I thought ok challo grade A- tak to aa hi jae ga ya worst case scenario B+.

Final Maine diya. Perfect paper literally. I checked from all AIs the answers and asked all my friends and sare jawab merai Sahi the. I was confident challo A- aa jae ga InshaAllah.

To aaj iska grade laga and can you guess what it is? Mera A+ Jo ana tha, it didn't get reduced to A-, B+, even C+. D+ MERA GRADE LAGA HUA. OR AGE SAI SUNNE KO MIL RAGA KAI KUCH NAHI HO SAKTA 😭😭😭 HOD Kai pass gaya and wo age sai gusa. Acha Sahi. Matlab Meri galti merai saat zyatti hui.

I mean Maine accept karke move on kar Lia hai but still yaar, zyatti hai. Khair ab yahi ho Sakta Kai next semester I do my best to get a close to 4, like a 3.99 GPA if I can if it's possible. Is semester genuinely grade 3.6 tak ban Raha tha lekin jaise ho Raha merai saat, 2 par gir Jana. Baki subjects ko choro unki baat nahi karta.

This is just a reminder that any plan you have is probably pretty good. And that's enough. Doesn't need to be great. What matters is how consistent you are with it. Because we live in a time where information is so available and widespread that most people by default already have a decent grasp about the thing they're interested in and can make decent plans about it.

If I asked a random guy here who had no idea about health what should he do to be healthier, probably will say something like "Eat better, exercise, walk more, and sleep more". That's a really good plan. Just stick with that for 1 year and your entire life will change.

If I ask some guy who has no idea about business about some random business idea, he will probably go "go clean people's lawns". That's a good idea. Do that consistently for 1 year, and you'll have real momentum and actual experience and possibly even a decent business!

Look at your new year resolutions, your weekly or monthly or yearly goals and their plans. They are all decent! We often trick ourselves into thinking we never have enough information to start and that it could always be better. That last part is true so it makes you think the entirety of it is true, but that's not the case. Yes it can always be better, but you do have enough information to start.

To take a different perspective, I always see this in gaming subreddits. A game that gives you multiple options, people are like "what do I do here? What's the best build? What's the best way to do this?" And they haven't even started playing the game yet! It's crazy.

The thing is, yes I know having more info will help you avoid a lot of traps and mistakes that people fall into, and make you succeed faster but you're taking it to the extreme. Set a deadline. Say 1 week. For 1 week you'll just do the research and nothing else. 1 week has passed? Whatever plan you made, do it. And be consistent.

If I ask you what's your plan to get fit and you say "I'll do a mile run, walk around 10k steps, do some pushups, pullups, squats and eat more healthier food" that's amazing! You don't need more info right now!!! Just stick with that and you'll do well.

Start taking more action. Experience always teaches you wayyyyyyyyy more than anything else does. You can research a perfect business for years or you could try out like 20 different ones, fail in 19 but 1 works and now you're rich. It's easy to say that I know and the execution will be much more difficult I know but that's what we signed up for in self improvement. We knew it would be hard but we also know it's worth it.

Experience is a far better teacher than research. Pick a plan, set a deadline, and get to work.

I was just thinking about this: before when I was more anxious and anxiously attached, I used to get low lows but also more high highs. Now it's just a consent feeling of contentment. It's nice don't get me wrong but I didn't really expect it to be this boring. I'm not complaining, just a bit surprised and curious

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Hello 👋

السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ

A small reminder for you all who are married and also for those who have kids, that never to treat them like furniture. If you are going from room to room and you see a sofa, it isn't going to make you stop. It's existence doesn't register in your head. But that's what you do if you walk past your spouse or kids the same way.

If you're passing by and see your kid sat on the couch, a small shoulder pat, messing their hair, high five or down low, or anything of that regard goes a long way. It tells them "I see you, your presence matters to me and it's enough for me to break out of my path and stop for you." The same goes with a spouse. A small hug, a kiss on the head/hand and so on.

(And this is more so my opinion but I believe your spouse should be your first priority, especially in situations like these. It's not about neglecting your kids; both your spouse and your children should receive an overflowing amount of love and attention. However, there should be a clear, fundamental understanding that your partner comes first. It leads to a healthier family dynamic.

So as an example if you see all of them, give your spouse a hug first and then rustle the hair of the children.)

Hope this helps

Hello 👋

السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ

A small reminder for you all who are married and also for those who have kids, that never to treat them like furniture. If you are going from room to room and you see a sofa, it isn't going to make you stop. It's existence doesn't register in your head. But that's what you do if you walk past your spouse or kids the same way.

If you're passing by and see your kid sat on the couch, a small shoulder pat, messing their hair, high five or down low, or anything of that regard goes a long way. It tells them "I see you, your presence matters to me and it's enough for me to break out of my path and stop for you." The same goes with a spouse. A small hug, a kiss on the head/hand and so on.

(And this is more so my opinion but I believe your spouse should be your first priority, especially in situations like these. It's not about neglecting your kids; both your spouse and your children should receive an overflowing amount of love and attention. However, there should be a clear, fundamental understanding that your partner comes first. It leads to a healthier family dynamic.

So as an example if you see all of them, give your spouse a hug first and then rustle the hair of the children.)

Hope this helps

​

The human mind is an incredibly obedient machine. Whenever you feed it a belief, an assumption, or a "premise," it doesn't pause to argue with you or fact-check your logic. Instead, it immediately goes to work gathering evidence to prove you right. Whether you tell it that you are highly capable or completely helpless, your brain simply accepts the instruction as absolute truth and shapes your reality around it.

"I can't do X" is a premise we feed ourselves constantly. I've done it my whole life, and I still catch myself doing it. But we rarely realize how destructive this is. Think about how you’ve accomplished anything in your life. As a child, you saw your parents walk; they told you that you could, so you did. The belief preceded the ability. That is the key. When you say, "I can't do math because I'm not a math person," do you literally have less brain capacity than "math people"? Of course not. You have the exact same hardware, maybe even better.

So, where does this lead us? Believe it or not, this leads directly to goal setting; and how our premises dictate our progress. Usually, the way we set goals is realistic and incremental. The problem? That keeps us exactly where we are, remaining the exact same person. If a goal is "realistic," it means we already have the capacity to achieve it; it perfectly aligns with our current view of ourselves. If you could simply step into your dream life with your current mindset, you'd already be living it.

Say you earned $70,000 this year. Realistically, you might aim for $80,000 next year. That's a reasonable, achievable goal. But because you already know it's within your capacity, it doesn't force you to grow. The entire point of self-improvement is to improve. Realistic goals keep you stagnant while giving you the illusion of progress. How do we combat this? By setting exponential, seemingly impossible goals.

The primary purpose of these impossible goals isn't necessarily to achieve them; if you fixated solely on the outcome, you'd get demotivated and quit after two days. The point of these goals is to transform who you are as a person. Achieving the goal is just an added bonus. It sounds counterintuitive, but this is exactly how exponential growth is supposed to work. You do this in two main ways: by collapsing the timeline of a realistic goal, or by radically increasing the target.

Take my own life as an example: I want to be financially secure enough to marry the woman I love in the next 5 to 7 years. For a 20-year-old, that’s a highly realistic timeline. To make it unrealistic, I can collapse that timeline down to just 6 months. When I give myself 7 years, my brain justifies taking days off and staying comfortable because there’s "plenty of time." But by compressing the timeframe to 6 months, I force myself to stop wasting time and immediately hunt for better, faster ways to operate. The fact that the goal is unrealistic is exactly why I need it; otherwise, I would have achieved it already. It forces me to completely overhaul my habits, my perspective, and my actions.

Applying this to the previous example: if you made $70,000 this year, instead of aiming for $80,000 next year, challenge yourself to earn that $80,000 in the next week; or aim for $1 million by next year. This violently jolts your brain out of its mediocre comfort zone. It stops your mind from relying on incremental noise and forces it to stare up at an absolute mountain, demanding that you find exponential, out-of-the-box ways to scale it.

Ultimately, if you want to change as a person, you have to do things you haven't done, go places you haven't been, and experience things you haven't experienced. It is the only way forward.

Hope this helps

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Helllooooo 🤗

السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ

Communication is the key to every relationship. Communication is done through non verbal cues yes; body language, tone, pitch, proximity, eye contact etc. But there's one part that people just ignore all together while thinking they aren't. And that's with the words they use. Reading this you'll probably think "well I think before I speak, I'm not blunt, I'm kind" and you might be. But that isn't what I am referring to. I'm referring to something deeper, which is the hidden meaning behind the words you use.

To explain what I am talking about, let's build a hypothetical scenario. We have Ibrahim and Fatimah who are married. It was a love marriage and 90% they are happy, at peace, content etc. it's a really lovely and ideal marriage. They fight and argue a lot but it never gets to the screaming stage, insulting stage, or the hurting stage. It's always resolved well even if they both might need space, are upset etc. it's a realistic but still close to ideal marriage.

Currently Ibrahim is out of the country. He cannot come back because of some work related issues and so he and Fatimah are in a long distance relationship at the moment. Everything is seemingly going well at the start but Fatimah is starting to give him less time. It isn't her fault, her sister is going to get married and her house is in chaos, and she's just so busy. So she communicated this to Ibrahim and he said "I understand."

This is where the trap starts. Everyday Ibrahim thinks "I should communicate my feelings" and says stuff like "I understand but at the same time I'm hurt you're not giving me proper enough time. I miss you a lot. It feels like you're not putting in a lot of effort or even little. A small "ily gn" before sleeping would be nice" and Fatimah sees this everyday. Fatimah isn't a child. She obviously sees this. She loves her hubby. She feels guilty that she's hurting him. She knows this, he doesn't have to mention it. But regardless she apologizes, explains the situation again and says she'll try to do better but it's hard. Ibrahimn says I understand.

This cycle goes on for a week or so of Ibrahim sending messages like these everyday before Fatimah just kind of snaps and goes "everyday I wake up, I see the same message. Why do you keep sending it? I know I'm hurting you, I know I'm not giving you enough time. I get hurt by this too because I know I'm hurting you but why do you bring this up everyday? And then after saying everything you just say "I understand"".

This is the trap that Ibrahim fell into and now that Fatimah has mentioned this, he has realized it. See saying I understand means that you do fully understand and so you'll compromise and you'll be the strong one. Complaining and saying all those things and then saying I understand is contradictory. Either you do understand and you stay strong for her, or you don't and you ask questions to understand. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

So after knowing this and realizing it, Ibrahim has a shift. He genuinely sits down and thinks "do I really understand?". And then yes, yes he does. So from now on, no mention of him being hurt. Because he trusts her that she knows since he has already communicated it and that she loves him and she knows he loves her. And just like that in 1-3 days, the issue is resolved and for the most part will never be an issue again in the marriage. Because now Ibrahim knows that if he understands, he will compromise. And if he cannot compromise, it means he doesn't understand.

One thing I will mention here is that no one is the bad guy here or a "victim". It's a marriage. They love each other. It's them vs the issue. Ibrahim feeling neglected, sidelined and hurt is totally valid and fair just as Fatimah is feeling overwhelmed, stretched thin and exasperated.

Some other words that I can think of in the same sense are saying "I expect this of you". Expectation means trust and a lot of the times people say they expect something but then they don't trust the other person which leads to contradictory messages being received by the other. If a husband says 'I expect you to clean up after yourself,' to his wife but then immediately hovers over her or cleans it up himself before she gets the chance, he isn't actually showing trust. If you have an expectation, you must pair it with the trust to let them fulfill it. If he expects her, trust her. If he doesn't trust her, don't put the expectation. This leads to a broader topic of defining your words practically by action. For example if you say "I forgive you" and your spouse says that they'll be better, let them be. If you forgive them, you're essentially saying that we have closed off this version of you and will not bring it up again as you grow into a new and better person. But if you bring up that same mistake in another argument, suddenly that forgiveness doesn't feel all that forgiving and just feels like lip service.

Hope this helps. جَزَاكَ ٱللَّٰهُ خَيْرًا

Helllooooo 🤗

السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ

Communication is the key to every relationship. Communication is done through non verbal cues yes; body language, tone, pitch, proximity, eye contact etc. But there's one part that people just ignore all together while thinking they aren't. And that's with the words they use. Reading this you'll probably think "well I think before I speak, I'm not blunt, I'm kind" and you might be. But that isn't what I am referring to. I'm referring to something deeper, which is the hidden meaning behind the words you use.

To explain what I am talking about, let's build a hypothetical scenario. We have Ibrahim and Fatimah who are married. It was a love marriage and 90% they are happy, at peace, content etc. it's a really lovely and ideal marriage. They fight and argue a lot but it never gets to the screaming stage, insulting stage, or the hurting stage. It's always resolved well even if they both might need space, are upset etc. it's a realistic but still close to ideal marriage.

Currently Ibrahim is out of the country. He cannot come back because of some work related issues and so he and Fatimah are in a long distance relationship at the moment. Everything is seemingly going well at the start but Fatimah is starting to give him less time. It isn't her fault, her sister is going to get married and her house is in chaos, and she's just so busy. So she communicated this to Ibrahim and he said "I understand."

This is where the trap starts. Everyday Ibrahim thinks "I should communicate my feelings" and says stuff like "I understand but at the same time I'm hurt you're not giving me proper enough time. I miss you a lot. It feels like you're not putting in a lot of effort or even little. A small "ily gn" before sleeping would be nice" and Fatimah sees this everyday. Fatimah isn't a child. She obviously sees this. She loves her hubby. She feels guilty that she's hurting him. She knows this, he doesn't have to mention it. But regardless she apologizes, explains the situation again and says she'll try to do better but it's hard. Ibrahimn says I understand.

This cycle goes on for a week or so of Ibrahim sending messages like these everyday before Fatimah just kind of snaps and goes "everyday I wake up, I see the same message. Why do you keep sending it? I know I'm hurting you, I know I'm not giving you enough time. I get hurt by this too because I know I'm hurting you but why do you bring this up everyday? And then after saying everything you just say "I understand"".

This is the trap that Ibrahim fell into and now that Fatimah has mentioned this, he has realized it. See saying I understand means that you do fully understand and so you'll compromise and you'll be the strong one. Complaining and saying all those things and then saying I understand is contradictory. Either you do understand and you stay strong for her, or you don't and you ask questions to understand. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

So after knowing this and realizing it, Ibrahim has a shift. He genuinely sits down and thinks "do I really understand?". And then yes, yes he does. So from now on, no mention of him being hurt. Because he trusts her that she knows since he has already communicated it and that she loves him and she knows he loves her. And just like that in 1-3 days, the issue is resolved and for the most part will never be an issue again in the marriage. Because now Ibrahim knows that if he understands, he will compromise. And if he cannot compromise, it means he doesn't understand.

One thing I will mention here is that no one is the bad guy here or a "victim". It's a marriage. They love each other. It's them vs the issue. Ibrahim feeling neglected, sidelined and hurt is totally valid and fair just as Fatimah is feeling overwhelmed, stretched thin and exasperated.

Some other words that I can think of in the same sense are saying "I expect this of you". Expectation means trust and a lot of the times people say they expect something but then they don't trust the other person which leads to contradictory messages being received by the other. If a husband says 'I expect you to clean up after yourself,' to his wife but then immediately hovers over her or cleans it up himself before she gets the chance, he isn't actually showing trust. If you have an expectation, you must pair it with the trust to let them fulfill it. If he expects her, trust her. If he doesn't trust her, don't put the expectation. This leads to a broader topic of defining your words practically by action. For example if you say "I forgive you" and your spouse says that they'll be better, let them be. If you forgive them, you're essentially saying that we have closed off this version of you and will not bring it up again as you grow into a new and better person. But if you bring up that same mistake in another argument, suddenly that forgiveness doesn't feel all that forgiving and just feels like lip service.

Hope this helps. جَزَاكَ ٱللَّٰهُ خَيْرًا

​

Helllooo ☺️ السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ

This is a reminder post for everyone. Especially for people who have an insecurity that they aren't enough, people who externally give away their validation of being enough, and anxiously attached people.

Don't switch up after marriage. Now, most people reading this will immediately think they would never do this. They know they aren't a bad person, nor are they trying to abuse their future spouse. So why would they? But you can actually do this subconsciously, without having even malice. And what it does is slowly make your spouse less attracted to you and makes them also build up resentment that they feel guilty for. It'll be a case of "the divorce came out of nowhere" but it didn't. So listen carefully.

Think of the person you are before marriage. Think of your priority list and how you align yourself. What makes a person attractive? There are three main things psychologically:

1. Having a direction in life and heading towards it.

2. Being comfortable in your mind and body.

3. Knowing how and when to have fun.

A person before marriage has a direction that they are heading towards. So let's say a husband (the concept is the same so it'll be the same for a wife). He before marriage had a vision. Let's say it was that he wants to build orphanages all around his hometown or homecity. Admirable and it would attract you towards that person. He has a goal and you want to rally behind him. A woman falls in love with him, his wife. They get married.

Now let's see who the wife fell in love with: A version of him that had an alignment and direction he was heading towards. Meaning at the top of his priorities (obviously after Allah and Islam in general) was this main goal. That's who she fell in love with.

Here is the trap, what I've been building towards. The husband subconsciously makes a subtle shift: he lowers his ultimate goal beneath his wife on his list of priorities. So before it was: Orphanages > Wife. Now it's Wife > Orphanages. What this subtle change does is change him as a person. In other words, he is now someone that isn't whom his wife fell in love with. He's a different man now. At the start this doesn't feel bad. It feels good even! All this attention to herself.

But slowly she starts to see that her husband, who was an independent man with this direction, has seemingly become this docile dependent man who cares more about her than his direction. Now you guys will think "What's wrong with that? Isn't that a good thing?" By itself, no it isn't a bad thing. It's a good thing. But too much of anything and something good at a bad time is always trouble.

Slowly his wife will get frustrated. She says "so what did you do today?" Wondering if he is still on his goal, and he'll go "missing you". At first or at occasion it's lovely to hear this. But she'll grow resentful. "I want to hear something else" she'll think. And she'll feel guilty with this resentment. "What's wrong with me? Why am I angry at him for loving me?" She'll think. But the truth is there nothing wrong with her.

We humans are novelty seeking creatures, who also love to long for one another. As much as we bond in time spend together, we also bond in time spent apart. A balance is required as it comes with all things. When a person's main priority is just you, that longing is gone. So you slowly become bored, resentful, unattractive.

Again this doesn't mean to go to the other end. That he should just stop loving her all together and only focus on the goal. No, spend time with her. Play with her. Go on dates with her, flirt with her and everything good. But a time and place for everything and more importantly, a balance.

So how do you avoid this? Firstly work on the issues I've mentioned above if you're one of those people. And if you aren't then being aware does most of the work itself. Another thing to remember is to always connect everything back to Allah. If Allah is at the top of your priority list AND every goal connects back to Allah, then you'll naturally learn to balance everything. Meaning if times in marriage are good, you'd probably focus on the orphanages more. If times are bad, you'd focus on the marriage more. And naturally you'd do both things for the sake of Allah. A practical step you can take today is see where you're headed in life and see how it connects back to pleasing Allah and entering Jannat ul Firdaus. Because everything good always does. And if it doesn't, well then maybe it isn't good and you shouldn't be doing it. (Do this on pen and paper)

I'll give one example of a random goal that people think is bad but can be good. Going to the gym and improving your looks to be more attractive. People think it can be for vain. And it can be. But it can also be for the sake of Allah. See putting in effort so that your spouse is attracted to you, that is something that pleased Allah. And so if becoming more attractive is your goal because youd want your spouse/future spouse to be more attracted to you, so that they can be more at peace in the marriage, so that Allah is pleased with the both of you (as the purpose of marriage given in Quran is to find peace and tranquility in each other) then it's a good goal worth working towards.

Hope this helps. جَزَاكَ ٱللَّٰهُ خَيْرًا

Helllooo ☺️ السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ

This is a reminder post for everyone. Especially for people who have an insecurity that they aren't enough, people who externally give away their validation of being enough, and anxiously attached people.

Don't switch up after marriage. Now, most people reading this will immediately think they would never do this. They know they aren't a bad person, nor are they trying to abuse their future spouse. So why would they? But you can actually do this subconsciously, without having even malice. And what it does is slowly make your spouse less attracted to you and makes them also build up resentment that they feel guilty for. It'll be a case of "the divorce came out of nowhere" but it didn't. So listen carefully.

Think of the person you are before marriage. Think of your priority list and how you align yourself. What makes a person attractive? There are three main things psychologically:

1. Having a direction in life and heading towards it.

2. Being comfortable in your mind and body.

3. Knowing how and when to have fun.

A person before marriage has a direction that they are heading towards. So let's say a husband (the concept is the same so it'll be the same for a wife). He before marriage had a vision. Let's say it was that he wants to build orphanages all around his hometown or homecity. Admirable and it would attract you towards that person. He has a goal and you want to rally behind him. A woman falls in love with him, his wife. They get married.

Now let's see who the wife fell in love with: A version of him that had an alignment and direction he was heading towards. Meaning at the top of his priorities (obviously after Allah and Islam in general) was this main goal. That's who she fell in love with.

Here is the trap, what I've been building towards. The husband subconsciously makes a subtle shift: he lowers his ultimate goal beneath his wife on his list of priorities. So before it was: Orphanages > Wife. Now it's Wife > Orphanages. What this subtle change does is change him as a person. In other words, he is now someone that isn't whom his wife fell in love with. He's a different man now. At the start this doesn't feel bad. It feels good even! All this attention to herself.

But slowly she starts to see that her husband, who was an independent man with this direction, has seemingly become this docile dependent man who cares more about her than his direction. Now you guys will think "What's wrong with that? Isn't that a good thing?" By itself, no it isn't a bad thing. It's a good thing. But too much of anything and something good at a bad time is always trouble.

Slowly his wife will get frustrated. She says "so what did you do today?" Wondering if he is still on his goal, and he'll go "missing you". At first or at occasion it's lovely to hear this. But she'll grow resentful. "I want to hear something else" she'll think. And she'll feel guilty with this resentment. "What's wrong with me? Why am I angry at him for loving me?" She'll think. But the truth is there nothing wrong with her.

We humans are novelty seeking creatures, who also love to long for one another. As much as we bond in time spend together, we also bond in time spent apart. A balance is required as it comes with all things. When a person's main priority is just you, that longing is gone. So you slowly become bored, resentful, unattractive.

Again this doesn't mean to go to the other end. That he should just stop loving her all together and only focus on the goal. No, spend time with her. Play with her. Go on dates with her, flirt with her and everything good. But a time and place for everything and more importantly, a balance.

So how do you avoid this? Firstly work on the issues I've mentioned above if you're one of those people. And if you aren't then being aware does most of the work itself. Another thing to remember is to always connect everything back to Allah. If Allah is at the top of your priority list AND every goal connects back to Allah, then you'll naturally learn to balance everything. Meaning if times in marriage are good, you'd probably focus on the orphanages more. If times are bad, you'd focus on the marriage more. And naturally you'd do both things for the sake of Allah. A practical step you can take today is see where you're headed in life and see how it connects back to pleasing Allah and entering Jannat ul Firdaus. Because everything good always does. And if it doesn't, well then maybe it isn't good and you shouldn't be doing it. (Do this on pen and paper)

I'll give one example of a random goal that people think is bad but can be good. Going to the gym and improving your looks to be more attractive. People think it can be for vain. And it can be. But it can also be for the sake of Allah. See putting in effort so that your spouse is attracted to you, that is something that pleased Allah. And so if becoming more attractive is your goal because youd want your spouse/future spouse to be more attracted to you, so that they can be more at peace in the marriage, so that Allah is pleased with the both of you (as the purpose of marriage given in Quran is to find peace and tranquility in each other) then it's a good goal worth working towards.

Hope this helps. جَزَاكَ ٱللَّٰهُ خَيْرًا

This is a genuine question I'm being real. And it's directed on myself too dw I'm included. Why are we so lazy when it comes to everything. Being clean, being kind, cleaning our environment, fixing the mental health issues we have, fixing physical health issues, basically anything that is above the path of least resistance. Like people can't even put in enough effort to write a thoughtful reply, an emoji reaction or a sticker at most.

And when I think about the fact that we are Muslims, it makes even less sense. You look in the Quran, Hadith and all you see is taking action. Like Islam is always an action first relegion. "Allah doesn't change the state of a nation until they change what is within themselves" and "Insaan ko Wohi milta jiske liye wo mehnat karta" and "Allah guides those who wish to be guided" just to name a few instances. Even if you see evil, first thing you're supposed to do is take action and stop it.

So knowing all this, why are we soooo lazy?