u/Sad_Masterpiece8736

My mother drug me to a rooftop bar with live music under the guise of me meeting a husband, which she uses as an excuse to get drunk on vodka, monopolize conversations with strangers, and eventually drop them. It's incredibly embarrassing and exhausting. She usually just sits in the corner and judges everyone by saying "too short" "not cute" "man, no one gives a shit about their weight anymore" "look how long her nails are" "probably gay". I'm usually on edge the entire time since I'm sober, and she typically uses me as the conversation starter to somehow embarrass me. I have to keep a vigilant eye on her since she has the tendency to wander off aimlessly (one time she got lost, drunk, with no cell phone). It's almost like a babysitters job. We have an enmeshed relationship that's just awful.

Around 2 hours in, this drunk as hell guy that was loud came over to us. He made some small talk with my mother since he thought she was single (she loves to flirt even though she's married). Before he left, he immediately asked if I was okay twice, asked if I was uncomfortable and nudged my mother to go home, he also said " listen, don't let anybody control you, I can see right through it". He walked away and made small talk with practically everyone. For some reason, this made me reflect on past experiences where my mother was getting drunk at bars/public spaces and I had bartenders or random people ask if I was okay, sometimes repeatedly. At the time, I was too strung up or in denial and always "no, I'm fine 😁", but now after realizing her behavior, I have an emmense amount of respect for people that do this. I still remember the security guard that made sure I got back home safely at 12 or 13 years old when my mother got drunk and took pills at cirque du soleil, she could barely walk around the venue :(

Hey everyone!

I just wanted to say thank you so much for the supportive comments. I was not literate on SA before that post, and realize that I'm going to have to unpack a whole lot from my childhood. There are still things that I'm not even listing. Like she said recently that she showed me a movie about a girl getting r*ped when I was like 8, and that I should be greatful for her making me aware on situations like that. I must've completely repressed this, because I don't remember anything about that. I did want to update you guys on this situation though.

Throughout the entire summer, I've been helping my parents renovate our house. This includes putting together furniture for hours, redecorating their sensory room, painting 12 canvases that my mother wanted, redecorating both of their bedrooms, cleaning out our garage, patio, and rearranging the china cabinets throughout the house. My mother got the grand idea after talking with ChatGPT and basically left almost all of the heavy lifting on me since my father just takes a step back completely. She always starts off with these grandiose ideas, goes halfway, and drops them, or makes excuses to do "computer work" and "scheduling" but then complains if nothing gets done. Although I was paid to do 7 hours of laundry, and for putting their new bed frame together, this renovation has costed me my entire summer. I'm literally beat down, and I could've gotten a job to start building myself financially so I can move out. Whenever I tried to say "this is your house, decide what you want to decorate with" my mother would get upset and say "this is OUR house! I don't like it when you say that!" I still got manipulated into doing the work.

We're not even done with the house renovation yet, and I woke up to her talking about MOVING TO ANOTHER STATE before they turn 18 for disability services. She's been floating around the idea of moving to another state (were like 30 minutes on the border), building a compound of sorts out in the country from grant money, and having 24/7 hour care/in home ABA for my disabled siblings while my parents still live with them. We're already doing in home ABA for my siblings, and whenever my mother is out and about, I have to stay at home to monitor the therapists. I do college online, and dedicate much of my free time to helping out by cleaning the house every morning at 6:30 with my mother. If I don't get up by then, I start getting knocks on the door or phone calls. If I go out for more than an hour, I get phone calls from her asking where I am. I have to wait to talk to anyone on the phone until I'm out of the house or at night since she always asks "who are you talking to??!!" She acts like I'm more of a friend to her than a daughter, even tried to say "when you move out, I'll have to adopt to child to be my new friend!"

When I tried to tell her that I was upset that we haven't even finished the house renovation yet, she said "oh, we needed to do that anyway!" before selling the house. And when trying to convince me of this idea she said "I can get like an art studio built out there for you tax free" (I'm a painter). When I brought up what's going to happen when they die, and who will manage the property if I'm not around she said "that's a whole different thing, we need to focus on moving first". I tried to bring up that I'm only over managing finances for them, and she got all quiet. I'm scared she's lying to me and will try to drag me into managing this property when she's gone. I do have to include that she's a serial cheater and lies constantly. I even caught her stealing credit for my paintings over text message to her affair partner. I think she wants me to move out with them to this compound and manage my siblings + their aging bodies, but I don't know. I know she told me "we're not trying to get you to do anything. Just to be informed" "why wouldn't you want to be knowledgeable?" "They're your brothers, you're supposed to care about them. We're your family!!"

This made me feel like a complete asshole, and I actually teared up when she said it. I don't think she understands how much I have on my plate with college, career, relationships, prospective family, moving past trauma, etc.

Both of my parents have always been dead set on me staying within a 30 minute range of them when I move out, and even gave me a list of what ChatGPT generated careers and nearby universities to go to recently since I was trying to create boundaries.This is despite me not liking where I live. The only reason why I stayed home was because I was promised they would pay off my student loans, and the amount would be less than going in-person. Now that possibility is not an option due to them building this house at the last second.

My siblings are almost impossible to take care of, and I feel like pulling my hair out dealing with them and my traumatic past from my mother. If she's binge drinking, I have to take over and take care of them while she sits on the couch all day trauma dumping. They go around naked in the house when not monitored by their therapists, stem constantly/are very loud, both have epilepsy, and one insists on peeing on the floor and throwing their poop. I think this is a horrible idea, and will only get worse as time goes on. In my opinion, I believe they should go to a residential facility, I feel like I'm watching a train crash in slow motion :(

I'm honestly at my wits end right now. If you can look at my past post, I am a victim of family enmeshment and abuse. I am basically a substitute third parent for my two level 3 Autistic disabled siblings. I am also responsible for managing my mother's alcoholism and manic moods. You can get more information from r/enmeshmenttrauma about her behavior, it's literally insane.

I'm 21 and finishing out my bachelor's degree, I spent all summer helping my parents renovate our house. This includes putting together furniture for hours, redecorating their sensory room, painting 12 canvases that my mother wanted, redecorating both of their bedrooms, cleaning out our garage, patio, and rearranging the china cabinets throughout the house. My mother got the grand idea after talking with ChatGPT and basically left almost all of the heavy lifting on me since my father just takes a step back completely. She always starts off with these grandiose ideas, goes halfway, and drops them, or makes excuses to do "computer work" and "scheduling" but then complains if nothing gets done. Although I was paid to do 7 hours of laundry, and for putting their new bed frame together, this renovation has costed me my entire summer. I'm literally beat down, and I could've gotten a job to start building myself financially so I can move out. Whenever I tried to say "this is your house, decide what you want to decorate with" my mother would get upset and say "this is OUR house! I don't like it when you say that!" I feel like a complete asshole, which is doubled by my grandparents attitude.

We're not even done with the house renovation yet, and I woke up to her talking about MOVING TO ANOTHER STATE before they turn 18 for disability services. She's been floating around the idea of moving to another state (were like 30 minutes on the border), building a compound of sorts out in the country from grant money, and having 24/7 hour care/in home ABA for my disabled siblings while my parents still lives with them. We're already doing in home ABA for my siblings, and whenever my mother is out and about, I have to stay at home to monitor the therapists. I do college online, and dedicate much of my free time to helping out by cleaning the house every morning at 6:30 with my mother. If I don't get up by then, I start getting knocks on the door or phone calls. If I go out for more than an hour, I get phone calls from her asking where I am. I have to wait to talk to anyone on the phone until I'm out of the house or at night since she always asks "who are you talking to??!!" She acts like I'm more of a friend to her than a daughter, even tried to say "when you move out, I'll have to adopt to child to be my new friend!"

When I tried to tell her that I was upset that we haven't even finished the house renovation yet, she said "oh, we needed to do that anyway!" before selling the house. And when trying to convince me of this idea she said "I can get like an art studio built out there for you tax free" (I'm a painter). When I brought up what's going to happen when they die, and who will manage the property if I'm not around she said "that's a whole different thing, we need to focus on moving first". I tried to bring up that I'm only over managing finances for them, and she got all quiet. I'm scared she's lying to me and will try to drag me into managing this property when she's gone. I do have to include that she's a serial cheater and lies constantly. I even caught her stealing credit for my paintings over text message to her affair partner. I think she wants me to move out with them to this compound and manage my siblings + their aging bodies, but I don't know. I know she told me "we're not trying to get you to do anything. Just to be informed" "why wouldn't you want to be knowledgeable?" "Their your brothers, you're supposed to care about them. We're your family!!" This makes me feel like a complete asshole. I don't think she understands how much I have on my plate with college, career, relationships, prospective family, moving past trauma, etc.

Both of my parents have always been dead set on me staying within a 30 minute range of them when I move out, and even gave me a list of what ChatGPT generated careers and nearby universities to go to recently since I was trying to create boundaries.This is despite me not liking where I live. The only reason why I stayed home was because I was promised they would pay off my student loans, and the amount would be less than going in-person. Now that possibility is not an option due to them building this house at the last second.

My siblings are almost impossible to take care of, and I feel like pulling my hair out dealing with them and my traumatic past from my mother. If she's binge drinking, I have to take over and take care of them while she sits on the couch all day trauma dumping. They go around naked in the house when not monitored by their therapists, stem constantly/are very loud, both have epilepsy, and one insists on peeing on the floor and throwing their poop.

Sorry for this long vent, but I need some advice as to what is going here. I don't want to get stuck in something I'll regret.

Hi everybody,

This seems like a pretty good subreddit to share this story, and to further the sentiment that cheating ALWAYS affects the children, whether consciously or subconsciously. I F(21), found out my mother is a serial cheater. For some backstory, I have two disabled brothers (both 16 years old) with Level 3 Autism. They suffer from violent outbursts, one is completely nonverbal, they were only potty trained about 2 years ago, and they stem constantly on their iPads. They both have in home RBT therapists that work 40 hours a week in our house. One of these therapists has been having an affair with my mother for about 3ish years. My parents have been married for 27. I was suspicious at first but finally confirmed my thoughts when I noticed a text message come through saying "I love you", I looked through her trash and founds tons of sexting, planning hotel trips, talking behind my back, and even taking credit for my artwork. She's also been racking up quite the credit card debt to do this. This RBT therapist is now working in another industry, but they still meet up about twice a month to fuck. While she's gone all day, I sit at home with my brothers - either taking care of them or monitoring their therapists. This has made even getting a part-time job an issue as I'm the designated third parent.

While I was uncovering this affair, I tracked back multiple ones she has had throughout their 27 years, I think it's around 6 people? Most of these people have been 'family friends', and I even got scolded for not being nice enough to her current affair partner when he was working at our house. "don't be a bitch, AP's name think's you hate him" I told my father to check her phone, and he confessed a month later that he knew the entire time, but just kept saying "she's got problems, but she's your mother and she loves you very much." He tried to say something, but she just lied until he dropped it. She is also an alcoholic, so I know I'm just scratching the surface with her behavior. As a last resort, I myself confronted her and all I received was gaslighting. "you're crazy" "you don't know what you're talking about" "are you okay sweetheart?" "AP's name? Goodness no". If I didn't take pictures, I would've genuinely thought I was going crazy.

Both of my parents have already moved on and are now talking about renovations to the house like nothing has happened. Whenever I start acting distant, they try to reel me back in with nice gestures or repeated questions of "are you ok?" "why are you quiet?" "so you're just being bitchy huh?". My mother was buzzing a couple of days ago and turned to me to say "I hate (my father's name). He's a terrible person.", after they had some petty disagreement.

I'm trying to move on, but my parents are adamant about me continuing to stay at home during college (I go to school online) to help around the house. I can't talk about the issue or come to a resolution since they refuse to acknowledge it. Their presence is suffocating. Let this be a lesson to cheaters with children. Your actions affect EVERYONE around you, it is incredibly selfish to do this, but even more when your children are in crossfire. While I still live at home, am around my mother 24/7, I might put on a brave face and fake emotions - but I know deep down that I will never forgive her. It makes me sick to even look at her (which is terrible I know), and I've lost all respect for both of my parents. I understand that having two disabled children is exhausting, but forgetting about and traumatizing your able-bodied child is criminal.

Hi everybody,

I posted something previously on Reddit which led me to this subreddit. To explain my situation, I F(21) still live at home during college going online. I was convinced to do this at the time by my mother, who said that living in a dorm room would be terrible and that I would just hate it. I did it anyways since both of my parents have filed bankruptcy twice with horrible credit. Even though my father makes more than 100,000, they cannot afford to pay even a fraction (which is not their problem anyways) of my college, so it would just be easier to save money. I have two disabled siblings 5 years younger that are Level 3 Autistic. They walk around the house without clothes on, stem constantly on their iPads, have self-injurious/violent behaviors, and suffer from grand mal seizures. They also have in home ABA therapists that come 40 hours a week to monitor their behaviors. My mother is a stay-at-home mom, and alcoholic. She drinks around a 1/2 pint to 1 pint of vodka every day and can't stay sober for more than a week. It's gotten so bad that she's had two withdrawal seizures. 

Back in April, I got suspicious of my mother's behavior. She was texting all the time, smiling to herself, and telling me I needed to stay at home to monitor my siblings while she goes to doctor's appointments. When she came back, she never had a story about going to the doctor and would get all dolled up before leaving. This has been going on for about 4 years before I finally looked at her phone. What I found out is that she's been having an affair with one of my brother's therapists, someone who I wasn't found of before and would get scolded by my mother for not being nice enough to him. While also looking at these messages, I found out she's been taking credit for my artwork by telling him it's hers, and that she's been having an affair throughout their entire marriage with past coworkers, old college sweethearts, bosses, etc.

I saw a pattern where she would often text "OP doesn't know anything, she doesn't suspect anything" acting like I'm some kind of idiot. I know that I'm not even scraping the surface with her behavior, but it worries me how she can continue like this with no sympathy. I also noticed that she was incredibly clingy to this affair partner, to the point that if he didn't text/call her throughout the day, she would get very angry.

I told my father to check her phone, he said he would and then confessed a month later that he knew the entire time. Apparently, he tried to confront her and she flat out lied, but instead of actually solving the situation - he just dropped it. He acknowledged that she has problems with drinking and possibly narcissism but didn't want to divorce as it would put extra stress on me. He also said "your mother loves you very much and more than anything!!" as if that changes anything, while telling me to further my degree and stay at home. They have no chemistry, they enjoy no activities together besides watching movies, and they both put me in the middle to hang out with them instead of spending time with each other. 

Finding this all out has made me realize she does the same thing to me (in a way). She acts like I'm her best friend instead of her daughter. Dragging me to bars with her while she trauma dumps on strangers drunk and I have to parent her. It usually a humiliation ritual as I remain sober, I personally do not drink alcohol. She one time announced to these people that I've never kissed someone before - that was when I was 16. She constantly says I need to get out more but will start calling if I'm gone for more than an hour and a half.

She made me go to a strip club with her since she wanted me to see life from a 'sociological standpoint', then got upset that I was stressed, telling me I was too close minded. After we left, I almost merged into traffic after she kept yelling at me to make a left turn immediately. She still hasn't nor will ever apologize for her behavior. One time, I went to a strip pole dance class with her because she wanted me to see the lap dance she was going to give my father. She constantly pats herself on the back and tells me "you know, I've taken you to a lot of places - you should be grateful for me!!"

Both parents do not want me to get a job, as I should focus on school. I have to get up around 6:30 AM every morning to clean the house with her before the therapists arrive, and if I don't, I start getting passive aggressive comments like "did you even clean the bathroom?" or I'll get knocks on the door or yelling down the stairs calling my name. I also prepare their lunch everyday, and if one of therapists doesn't show, I'll bathe one of my siblings. I was recently gone for 5 hours each day to be a camp counselor, and all I heard was that she couldn't accomplish anything that week. Every time I try to establish boundaries and be distant, she'll comment "why are you so quiet?" "are you mad at me?" "so you're just sad then?". A couple of weeks ago, I overheard her calling me a bitch to my father since I wasn't interested in traveling with her. She wasn't drinking last week, she kept calling me 'sweetie', telling me I love you and doing this weird fake giggle when I say something. She's already drinking wine again.

Normal parents should be encouraging me to be independent, but instead I'm sacrificing myself constantly. It doesn't help that the ABA therapists also encourage me to stay at home, since leaving would threaten their jobs. I'm a senior in college and currently getting my bachelor's. My mother is already asking what my master's will be in and what colleges nearby (20-30 mins away) are available. If I wanted to go somewhere far away, it has to be online. I feel like crying because I'm in a pickle, I don't know what to do and I feel trapped. She loves chatgpt and asked it what I should major in, then gave me printed out sheets to look through. The only extended family I have are two grandparents, and they are hell bent on me staying around. If I leave, then I look like the biggest asshole on the planet for abandoning my siblings.

I don't know how I can keep this up, what was everyone's breaking point? I don't even know where to start. They just keep blocking off every path I try to go down.

Hi everyone, I've been browsing reddit for a while now to get a better understanding of my situation, and my mother F(49) is an alcoholic. To start off, I F(21) am currently living at home with my parents and going to college online. I have two disabled siblings 5 years younger that are Level 3 Autistic. They walk around the house without clothes on, stem constantly on their iPads, have self-injurious/violent behaviors, and suffer from grand mal seizures. They also have in home ABA therapists that come 40 hours a week to monitor their behaviors.

My mother is a stay-at-home mom. She drinks around a 1/2 pint to 1 pint of vodka every day and can't stay sober for more than 2 weeks. It's gotten so bad that she's had two withdrawal seizures. She's only 5'1 and around 120 lbs, so I know this continued usage can't be good for her health. Back in April, I got suspicious of my mother's behavior. I finally looked at her phone, I found out is that she's been having an affair with one of my brother's therapists, someone who I wasn't found of before and would get scolded by my mother for not being nice enough to him. While also looking at these messages, I found out she's been taking credit for my artwork by telling him it's hers, and that she's been having an affair throughout their entire marriage with past coworkers, old college sweethearts, bosses, etc.

She acts like I'm her best friend instead of her daughter. Dragging me to bars with her while she trauma dumps on strangers drunk and I have to parent her. It usually a humiliation ritual as I remain sober. She one time announced to these people that I've never kissed someone before - that was when I was 16. She constantly says I need to get out more but will start calling if I'm gone for more than an hour and a half.

Back in December, she made me go to a strip club with her since she wanted me to see life from a 'sociological standpoint', then got upset that I was stressed, telling me I was too close minded. After we left, she turned on Spotify and cranked the volume to 10x, playing "Yellow Ledbetter" from Pearl Jam. It was rainy, at night, and I couldn't get my window to be defrosted. I almost merged into traffic after she kept yelling at me to make a left turn immediately. Afterwards, she demanded to have a THC gummy since I didn't want to take her to a bar. She unbuckled her seatbelt and wouldn't stop talking about going to a house party until I took her somewhere to get it. What was supposed to be a 40-minute drive home turned into 2 hours when she turned down my directions and cranked the music. 2 days later when she was relatively sober, she had the nerve to ask why I would merge into traffic like that and kept telling me that it was somehow my fault. She still has never apologized. She gets herself into dangerous situations when drunk, like wandering off at a concert with no cell phone. It worries the shit out of me.

When she's drunk, she demands either my father or myself to sit with her in the bathroom and talk while she bathes, it's incredibly awkward and disgusting. She constantly pats herself on the back and tells me "you know, I've taken you to a lot of places - you should be grateful for me!!"

The therapists also know she has an alcohol problem since she passed out drunk in front of them when I was like 16 but won't say anything since it could jeopardize their jobs.

I was recently gone for 5 hours each day to be a camp counselor, and all I heard was that she couldn't accomplish anything that week. Every time I try to establish boundaries and be distant, she'll comment "why are you so quiet?" "are you mad at me?" "so you're just sad then?". A couple of weeks ago, I overheard her calling me a bitch to my father since I wasn't interested in traveling with her. She wasn't drinking last week, and she kept calling me 'sweetie', telling me I love you and doing this weird fake giggle when I say something. She's already back to drinking wine again, which will evolve to vodka. 

My father has this thought that if she stops drinking, her behavior will subside and she'll stop acting erratic. I do not believe this, and I think that not drinking only hides her true intentions more. My father has acknowledged that she has problems with drinking and possibly narcissism but didn't want to divorce as it would put extra stress on me. He said "your mother loves you very much and more than anything, she's just got problems", while telling me to further my degree and stay at home. He said he can't really do anything about it, and she doesn't want to go to rehab so he's basically just throwing his hands in the air. He often throws me under the bus to deal with her, if she's being irritable and wants to go to a bar and drink, he'll say "well (OP) can just go with you", knowing full well what that entails. He's been trying to push me to stay nearby them when I do move out, and has been recommending jobs in the area that could satisfy my degree requirements.

The thing he doesn't understand is that the only reason she gets sober and 'back on track' with her health for these 1–2-week increments, is to go have sex with her affair partner. Then she gets drunk again and the cycle continues. She's the only one with access to their bank account and always lies that she can't remember the password when he asks for it. She lied to me about 5 different times about leaving Monday for all of these 'doctor appointments' and going shopping, when I know damn well, she'll be gone for hours with her affair partner.

I tried telling her at a concert that she drinks like a fish, and the only thing she did was stare off into space and then ask me where the nearest bar was 10 seconds later. I'm the only one in the family that wants to confront this behavior, but I can't do anything about it. All my extended family members say is "what would we ever do without OP?" "she's such a good help around the house!" "she's just a gem!"

TLDR: 21F living at home with alcoholic mom (49) and two severely autistic siblings, acting as a third parent. Mom drinks heavily, has had withdrawal seizures, cheats (including with a registered behavioral therapist), lies constantly, and behaves erratically and inappropriately—often putting me in unsafe or humiliating situations. Dad acknowledges issues but avoids action and relies on me to manage things. I feel overwhelmed, unsupported, and trapped, carrying the emotional and caregiving burden while trying to figure out how to cope and move forward.

Need to vent about being codependent - my story

Hi everyone,

I've been browsing reddit for a while now to get a better understanding of my situation, and I F(21) think my mother F(49) might be enmeshing me. To start off, I am currently living at home with my parents and going to college online. I was convinced to do this at the time by my mother, who said that living in a dorm room would be terrible and that I would just hate it. I did it anyways since both of my parents have filed bankruptcy twice with horrible credit. Even though my father makes more than 100,000, they cannot afford to pay even a fraction (which is not their problem anyways) of my college, so it would just be easier to save money. I have two disabled siblings 5 years younger that are Level 3 Autistic. They walk around the house without clothes on, stem constantly on their iPads, have self-injurious/violent behaviors, and suffer from grand mal seizures. They also have in home ABA therapists that come 40 hours a week to monitor their behaviors. My mother is a stay-at-home mom, and alcoholic. She drinks around a 1/2 pint to 1 pint of vodka every day and can't stay sober for more than a week. It's gotten so bad that she's had two withdrawal seizures.

Back in April, I got suspicious of my mother's behavior. She was texting all the time, smiling to herself, and telling me I needed to stay at home to monitor my siblings while she goes to doctor's appointments. When she came back, she never had a story about going to the doctor and would get all dolled up before leaving. This has been going on for about 4 years before I finally looked at her phone. What I found out is that she's been having an affair with one of my brother's therapists, someone who I wasn't found of before and would get scolded by my mother for not being nice enough to him. While also looking at these messages, I found out she's been taking credit for my artwork by telling him it's hers, even though she makes comments about my pieces for being 'too heavy' with oil; and that she's been having an affair throughout their entire marriage with past coworkers, old college sweethearts, bosses, etc. Around a couple of years ago, we made a trip to a nearby large city, during this trip, she went out to eat with a past coworker, and I guess went back to his place while she made me sit in the hotel room. Most of that trip was spent in the hotel room actually.

I saw a pattern where she would often text "OP doesn't know anything, she doesn't suspect anything" acting like I'm some kind of idiot. I know that I'm not even scraping the surface with her behavior, but it worries me how she can continue like this with no sympathy. I also noticed that she was incredibly clingy to this affair partner, to the point that if he didn't text/call her throughout the day, she would get very angry. Texting him 10 times in a row before he responds. It first starts as:

"you don't love me. you said we would never be together. Can you say you've been there for me? I've been very deep and loving"

"if I were you while the ground is still wet. Go dig a small hole in the mud and f\*ck it, because that's who you are in love with!"

"I'm so sorry baby, I hope we can be together and help each other feel good. I'm sorry so much has been going on"

This is all in the span of 12 HOURS. If the apologies don't work, she'll start bringing up past sexual experiences to lure him back in. He left ABA around September, so he hasn't been in the house constantly to keep up with her madness. I kind of feel sorry for him in a way. It's clear she love bombs the shit out of him until he comes back, then switches her personality. I told my father to check her phone, he said he would and then confessed a month later that he knew the entire time. Apparently, he tried to confront her and she flat out lied, but instead of actually solving the situation - he just dropped it. He acknowledged that she has problems with drinking and possibly narcissism but didn't want to divorce as it would put extra stress on me. He also said "your mother loves you very much and more than anything!!" as if that changes anything, while telling me to further my degree and stay at home. I'm not sure if she put him up to this, since he told me that after they went on a walk with each other (which rarely happens). They have no chemistry, they enjoy no activities together besides watching movies, and they both put me in the middle to hang out with them instead of spending time with each other.

Finding this all out has made me realize she does the same thing to me (in a way). She acts like I'm her best friend instead of her daughter. Dragging me to bars with her while she trauma dumps on strangers drunk and I have to parent her. It usually a humiliation ritual as I remain sober, I personally do not drink alcohol. She one time announced to these people that I've never kissed someone before - that was when I was 16. She constantly says I need to get out more but will start calling if I'm gone for more than an hour and a half. I'm not allowed to travel by myself, although I hear her talking to her BFF about how 'kids these days don't know how to do anything, look at what we did'. This is all despite her getting to travel Europe solo when she was younger than me.

She made me go to a strip club with her since she wanted me to see life from a 'sociological standpoint', then got upset that I was stressed, telling me I was too close minded. After we left, I almost merged into traffic after she kept yelling at me to make a left turn immediately. She still hasn't nor will ever apologize for her behavior. One time, I went to a strip pole dance class with her because she wanted me to see the lap dance she was going to give my father. She constantly pats herself on the back and tells me "you know, I've taken you to a lot of places - you should be grateful for me!!"

I was recently gone to get a highlight and haircut, when I got back after 2 1/2 hours - I told both parents that the highlight/haircut only took 1 1/2 hours. Immediately after I said this, my mother was like "well, what were you doing afterward??" Then I had to explain that the hair salon was a 30-minute drive back and forth, which would be an extra hour on time. This attitude has made even volunteering or getting a part-time job incredibly difficult. Both parents do not want me to get a job, as I should focus on school. I have to get up around 6:30 AM every morning to clean the house with her before the therapists arrive, and if I don't, I start getting passive aggressive comments like "did you even clean the bathroom?". I was recently gone for 5 hours each day to be a camp counselor, and all I heard was that she couldn't accomplish anything that week. Every time I try to establish boundaries and be distant, she'll comment "why are you so quiet?" "are you mad at me?" "so you're just sad then?". A couple of weeks ago, I overheard her calling me a bitch to my father since I wasn't interested in traveling with her. She wasn't drinking last week, she kept calling me 'sweetie', telling me I love you and doing this weird fake giggle when I say something. She's already drinking wine again.

My father has this thought that if she stops drinking, her behavior will subside and she'll stop acting erratic. I do not believe this, and I think that not drinking only hides her true intentions more. What's incredibly odd is that she always states "I'm an empath! I can read people's emotions!!" But chooses to act this way. She's kept this secret life from me for years and has no problem in putting me in the crossfire if it benefits her. She one time told me very drunk that she could see herself as a sociopath, and said something about Dexter?? She's got a free cell phone line from our internet provider and a new phone, while claiming it's for selling a property, but I know she just wants to text her affair partners. I found her trying to transfer images and messages to her computer :(

I just worry about this behavior. Normal parents should be encouraging me to be independent, but instead I'm sacrificing myself constantly. It doesn't help that the ABA therapists also encourage me to stay at home, since leaving would threaten their jobs. I just can't fathom how a mother could behave this way and still somehow hide it. It almost reads as sociopathic. I feel like I'm codependent on both of my parents but haven't allowed me to do shit. I don't know how to establish boundaries, and my parents are currently renovating the house. My mother gets pissed if I don't engage or help her with redecorating. Now they've both been talking about buying some property 30 minutes for us to live on. I don't know how they function normally. Sorry for this long rant, but I'm the only person in my family to acknowledge this and I feel so alone.

Edit: Thank you for these wonderful comments. This is only the iceberg to what I've seen and witnessed. I had a consultation with a therapist today and was interrupted twice by my mother frantically asking where my cat was.

Hi everyone,

I've been browsing reddit for a while now to get a better understanding of my situation, and I F(21) think my mother F(49) might be enmeshing me. To start off, I am currently living at home with my parents and going to college online. I was convinced to do this at the time by my mother, who said that living in a dorm room would be terrible and that I would just hate it. I did it anyways since both of my parents have filed bankruptcy twice with horrible credit. Even though my father makes more than 100,000, they cannot afford to pay even a fraction (which is not their problem anyways) of my college, so it would just be easier to save money. I have two disabled siblings 5 years younger that are Level 3 Autistic. They walk around the house without clothes on, stem constantly on their iPads, have self-injurious/violent behaviors, and suffer from grand mal seizures. They also have in home ABA therapists that come 40 hours a week to monitor their behaviors. My mother is a stay-at-home mom, and alcoholic. She drinks around a 1/2 pint to 1 pint of vodka every day and can't stay sober for more than a week. It's gotten so bad that she's had two withdrawal seizures.

Back in April, I got suspicious of my mother's behavior. She was texting all the time, smiling to herself, and telling me I needed to stay at home to monitor my siblings while she goes to doctor's appointments. When she came back, she never had a story about going to the doctor and would get all dolled up before leaving. This has been going on for about 4 years before I finally looked at her phone. What I found out is that she's been having an affair with one of my brother's therapists, someone who I wasn't found of before and would get scolded by my mother for not being nice enough to him. While also looking at these messages, I found out she's been taking credit for my artwork by telling him it's hers, even though she makes comments about my pieces for being 'too heavy' with oil; and that she's been having an affair throughout their entire marriage with past coworkers, old college sweethearts, bosses, etc. Around a couple of years ago, we made a trip to a nearby large city, during this trip, she went out to eat with a past coworker, and I guess went back to his place while she made me sit in the hotel room. Most of that trip was spent in the hotel room actually.

I saw a pattern where she would often text "OP doesn't know anything, she doesn't suspect anything" acting like I'm some kind of idiot. I know that I'm not even scraping the surface with her behavior, but it worries me how she can continue like this with no sympathy. I also noticed that she was incredibly clingy to this affair partner, to the point that if he didn't text/call her throughout the day, she would get very angry. Texting him 10 times in a row before he responds. It first starts as:

"you don't love me. you said we would never be together. Can you say you've been there for me? I've been very deep and loving"

"if I were you while the ground is still wet. Go dig a small hole in the mud and f*ck it, because that's who you are in love with!"

"I'm so sorry baby, I hope we can be together and help each other feel good. I'm sorry so much has been going on"

This is all in the span of 12 HOURS. If the apologies don't work, she'll start bringing up past sexual experiences to lure him back in. He left ABA around September, so he hasn't been in the house constantly to keep up with her madness. I kind of feel sorry for him in a way. It's clear she love bombs the shit out of him until he comes back, then switches her personality. I told my father to check her phone, he said he would and then confessed a month later that he knew the entire time. Apparently, he tried to confront her and she flat out lied, but instead of actually solving the situation - he just dropped it. He acknowledged that she has problems with drinking and possibly narcissism but didn't want to divorce as it would put extra stress on me. He also said "your mother loves you very much and more than anything!!" as if that changes anything, while telling me to further my degree and stay at home. I'm not sure if she put him up to this, since he told me that after they went on a walk with each other (which rarely happens). They have no chemistry, they enjoy no activities together besides watching movies, and they both put me in the middle to hang out with them instead of spending time with each other.

Finding this all out has made me realize she does the same thing to me (in a way). She acts like I'm her best friend instead of her daughter. Dragging me to bars with her while she trauma dumps on strangers drunk and I have to parent her. It usually a humiliation ritual as I remain sober, I personally do not drink alcohol. She one time announced to these people that I've never kissed someone before - that was when I was 16. She constantly says I need to get out more but will start calling if I'm gone for more than an hour and a half. I'm not allowed to travel by myself, although I hear her talking to her BFF about how 'kids these days don't know how to do anything, look at what we did'. This is all despite her getting to travel Europe solo when she was younger than me.

She made me go to a strip club with her since she wanted me to see life from a 'sociological standpoint', then got upset that I was stressed, telling me I was too close minded. After we left, I almost merged into traffic after she kept yelling at me to make a left turn immediately. She still hasn't nor will ever apologize for her behavior. One time, I went to a strip pole dance class with her because she wanted me to see the lap dance she was going to give my father. She constantly pats herself on the back and tells me "you know, I've taken you to a lot of places - you should be grateful for me!!"

I was recently gone to get a highlight and haircut, when I got back after 2 1/2 hours - I told both parents that the highlight/haircut only took 1 1/2 hours. Immediately after I said this, my mother was like "well, what were you doing afterward??" Then I had to explain that the hair salon was a 30-minute drive back and forth, which would be an extra hour on time. This attitude has made even volunteering or getting a part-time job incredibly difficult. Both parents do not want me to get a job, as I should focus on school. I have to get up around 6:30 AM every morning to clean the house with her before the therapists arrive, and if I don't, I start getting passive aggressive comments like "did you even clean the bathroom?". I was recently gone for 5 hours each day to be a camp counselor, and all I heard was that she couldn't accomplish anything that week. Every time I try to establish boundaries and be distant, she'll comment "why are you so quiet?" "are you mad at me?" "so you're just sad then?". A couple of weeks ago, I overheard her calling me a bitch to my father since I wasn't interested in traveling with her. She wasn't drinking last week, she kept calling me 'sweetie', telling me I love you and doing this weird fake giggle when I say something. She's already drinking wine again.

My father has this thought that if she stops drinking, her behavior will subside and she'll stop acting erratic. I do not believe this, and I think that not drinking only hides her true intentions more. What's incredibly odd is that she always states "I'm an empath! I can read people's emotions!!" But chooses to act this way. She's kept this secret life from me for years and has no problem in putting me in the crossfire if it benefits her. She one time told me very drunk that she could see herself as a sociopath, and said something about Dexter?? She's got a free cell phone line from our internet provider and a new phone, while claiming it's for selling a property, but I know she just wants to text her affair partners.

I just worry about this behavior. Normal parents should be encouraging me to be independent, but instead I'm sacrificing myself constantly. It doesn't help that the ABA therapists also encourage me to stay at home, since leaving would threaten their jobs. I just can't fathom how a mother could behave this way and still somehow hide it. It almost reads as sociopathic. I feel like I'm codependent on both of my parents but haven't allowed me to do shit. Sorry for this long rant, but I'm the only person in my family to acknowledge this and I feel so alone.

Hi everybody,

I F(21) recently found out that my mother F(49) has been cheating on my father for the entirety of their marriage. I'm going to get into too many details, but she has used me for free childcare in watching my siblings, while she goes out on the town with her affair partner. I found all of this out after reading text messages and tracking back previous affairs with coworkers, family friends, etc. It doesn't help that she's a raging alcoholic. She's a stay-at-home mom and has also been using my father's money to pay for hotel rooms, going out to eat, getting Botox, etc. She has racked up credit card debt in the past, and both parents have filed bankruptcy twice - she's completely ruined my father's credit score. I did tell my father to check her phone, but he acted like he didn't know anything at first. Over a month later, he confessed he did know and tried to confront her, but she just lied and he dropped it. He's just not willing to do anything since our family dynamics are very dysfunctional, and I guess he's afraid to get a divorce?? He just told me that she's got problems, but she loves me very much. After speaking with him, I really don't think he knows even 10% of what she's been doing. Since I can't confide in him, I'm really on my own for dealing with this. He would rather stick his head in the sand and just ignore everything instead of actually changing the situation for the betterment of my mental health. When reading the text messages, I started understanding a pattern she was exhibiting with this affair partner. She's very clingy with him, texting constantly and getting upset that he doesn't respond back immediately. She lashes out within hours and says hurtful things, then rebounds and love bombs the shit out of him until he comes back. I'll give you an example:

1. "This isnt a relationship by many realms. It was. I was very deep and loving. Look what I've been through the past 6 months. Can you honestly say that you've even been 1/3 there for me? You're the only person I trust"
2. "I hate you can't take a sec to think of me and text. Better yet call. If I were you while the ground is still wet. Go dig a small hole in the mud and f*ck it, because that's who you are in love with!"
3. Im sorry that you've been stressed. The last thing I want is to bring on more. I wish we could make each other better. You know that I love you."

This is all within the span of 1 day (or maybe hours). And mostly the affair partner is not responding because he's working and busy lol. It honestly reminds me of the movie Fatal Attraction. I don't know why she's so hungry for attention when she gets enough from both my father and I.

She's convinced me to stay at home during college to help her out and gets upset when I leave for even a couple of hours, calling me to ask where I've been, what am I doing, and when I'll be back. I always have to tell her where I'm going, and if not, she gets all anxious. When I found out about the affair a couple of months ago, she's been trying to act all nice by calling me "sweetie", asking me if I've been sad, and quit drinking for like a week (she's already started back). I can't even be quiet around her, or she starts asking what's wrong constantly. I've seen her do the same to my father by asking "are you mad at me? do you love me?" Her behaviors are very destructive and it's ridiculous my father expects me to forget about everything just because she "has some problems, and she loves you very much". Does this follow abusive relationship patterns? I've seen her cuss out someone (usually while drunk) and then try to repair something hours later. No normal person should accept her apologies, but all these men end up doing it anyway. She believes in loving somebody unconditionally and somehow doesn't understand that her actions have consequences. For the past affair partners, she usually keeps them on standby if her main one doesn't work out. Or she'll just drop and ghost them once they don't provide her with what she wants. It's even more confusing when she says "I'm an empath. I can read people's emotions"

Does this read as abusive to anyone? I try to remain balanced with my opinions and look at a situation with objectively, but this has really gotten me stressed out.