u/Sea_Response_8387

I've been >!relapsing!< into my anorexia recently and I'm a lot more flexible that I used to be at my worst (I can eat little bits of things "off plan" as long as it's not too much and I track it) but whenever my mum makes certain dishes, I get an intense need for them. for example, she makes a dish called melanzana which I cannot resist. every time she makes It, I feel a magnetic pull towards it and even when I tell myself "one more bite" I take more than one more and I instinctively eat quicker. and I feel horrible after, even if my mum says she'll hide it, it doesn't change the fact that I have no self control around it. I feel like >!I'm a fat disgusting person that doesn't deserve to live and a failed anorexic and I just wish I could be good at my anorexia like I used to.!< I feel awful. since my anorexia is a control thing, one of my biggest fears is binge eating, as it means I'm out of control. I'm petrified every time my mum makes that because I'm worried that I'll "lose control and binge" and It makes me feel quite guilty. I'm sorry if this is triggering, I've done my best to spoiler out the triggering bits. I just need support

Edit: I'm so hungry rn and I'm so scared because I'm getting urges to eat and also last night, I ate the melanzana after my >!fasting window!< had started so I was thinking "fuck it I'm gonna keep eating" and I didn't but I'm terrified that I'm switching to BED or that my body is forcing me to recover I'm absolutely terrified because I just need to be in control I wish someone could >!just come and kill me!<

I've been >!relapsing!< into my anorexia recently and I'm a lot more flexible that I used to be at my worst (I can eat little bits of things "off plan" as long as it's not too much and I track it) but whenever my mum makes certain dishes, I get an intense need for them. for example, she makes a dish called melanzana which I cannot resist. every time she makes It, I feel a magnetic pull towards it and even when I tell myself "one more bite" I take more than one more and I instinctively eat quicker. and I feel horrible after, even if my mum says she'll hide it, it doesn't change the fact that I have no self control around it. I feel like >!I'm a fat disgusting person that doesn't deserve to live and a failed anorexic and I just wish I could be good at my anorexia like I used to.!< I feel awful. since my anorexia is a control thing, one of my biggest fears is binge eating, as it means I'm out of control. I'm petrified every time my mum makes that because I'm worried that I'll "lose control and binge" and It makes me feel quite guilty. I'm sorry if this is triggering, I've done my best to spoiler out the triggering bits. I just need support

Edit: I'm so hungry rn and I'm so scared because I'm getting urges to eat and also last night, I ate the melanzana after my >!fasting window!< had started so I was thinking "fuck it I'm gonna keep eating" and I didn't but I'm terrified that I'm switching to BED or that my body is forcing me to recover I'm absolutely terrified because I just need to be in control I wish someone could >!just come and kill me!<

does anyone else experience this? like there are many photos of me at a healthy weight and I looked fine in them, great even. but now I'm >!relapsing!<, I suddenly look ten times bigger in all of those photos. why? is it because my ed wants to scare me into never going back there? idk. same with photos just before I developed my ed. at the time I looked fine in them, but as soon as I got into the mindset I looked huge. idk. sorry if this is triggering.

lol I've been >!relapsing!< for almost a month now and even throughout my recovery my parents were saying how I was still underweight and my stupid gullible brain believed them. so the other day I managed to get a scale and my weight was apparently uw but I found out that the >!calorie tracker!< I use has a >!BMI!< tool and it's for adults (I'm a minor) and apparently they use different ways to calculate>!BMI!< so I used a kids tool and apparently I'm a healthy weight. I really hate myself as this time around, I'm already so weak and I can barely function. I feel like such a failure as I'm diagnosed with "atypical anorexia" which already feels like a punch to the gut. I'm sorry if this makes no sense at all my brain isn't working. my parents have just managed to get CAMHS back working with me as I've been at residential in a different part of the country, but my brain says I can't get help because I'm not underweight so I'm not sick enough. but living is so exhausting and I'm so weak but my hands are tied. sorry if this is triggering I've tried my best to censor out anything potentially triggering.

I bought a scale. I weigh *insert number*. I wish it was lower and I've been constantly anxious since buying it and I don't know why or how to make it stop. it's probably because I'm not good at keeping secrets. idk but I can't tell anyone so I just have to get used to feeling so worried to to point of nearly vomiting every day. I feel so sick

Edit: I told my parents and I feel slightly less anxious and sick

why do people go out of their way to trade me, but as soon as I add in the pet that I HAVE OUT they decline, sometimes declining as soon as I accept 😭 it rlly gets my hopes up that someone wants to offer for my pets but then they just decline and it's really getting on my nerves. like it's not even the fact that they look at my backpack and don't see anything they like, because they have to request it for me. like it's so annoying, like YOU traded ME! sorry I'm just annoyed at adm players at the moment

EDIT: I just checked and I think it's because I have my backpack viewing settings to "never allow" even though I could've sworn that I changed it back to "always ask"