u/SharkEva

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/weddingabsurdity96 posting in r/offmychest

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 1st December 2025

Update - 4th July 2026

​

I can't believe how entitled some people are when it comes to other people's weddings

​

We aren't going to change our wedding. I'm not looking for advice. I'm just venting.

We are going to have a 10-15 minute ceremony at sunset. Afterwards we'll have dinner and a reception. The two of us plan to take most of our photos before the ceremony. Only a few with our families will be needed after the ceremony. Additionally, all guests must be above the drinking age, so no one under the age of 18 is allowed inside. This is the policy of the venue, not ours.

I would like to think we are being reasonable to our guests. The ceremony and reception will be four to four and half hours long. If any guests want to leave earlier it's not a problem. We'll be providing transportation to and from the venue for anyone who wants it. The wedding will be on a Saturday so no one we're inviting will need to take time away from their jobs. The wedding is local and all of the people we're inviting live here. No one has to travel or pay for a hotel. None of our guests will have to pay for their food/drinks/transportation (I've heard of that happening) and we've told everyone we don't expect gifts. There's no pressure for that. And of course we obviously can't force anyone to attend. If anyone declines our invitation we won't bother them about it.

The two of us are paying for our entire wedding ourselves. But everyone seems to think we want their opinion. The biggest complaints are about children not being invited because of the age policy of the venue. So many people are upset and say we need to get married somewhere else so their babies or kids can come. Other people say the wedding is too formal and they don't want to dress up or have a more formal dinner like what the venue offers. The two of us would never tell anyone what to wear but people are reacting to the venue because it's a more upscale place. Also many of the same people who are complaining about children not being invited say our wedding is too formal or too late in the day. They want us to move the time and have a less formal atmosphere. We've had people (mainly both sets of our parents) offer to pay for the wedding so they change things to what they want. It is not just one person complaining, it's several including some of our siblings. All of it is maddening.

We have told them all we're not changing the wedding. We don't want to elope so please don't suggest it or give any advice. We were clear that if anyone doesn't like what we're doing for the ceremony or reception they can decline our invitation. I just can't believe how entitled some people are. I would die of embarrassment if I ever tried to tell someone they had to change their wedding to what I wanted instead. I didn't think our wedding would be so controversial but here we are. I'm just here to vent about how entitled some people are. IT'S OUR WEDDING. If want to have a formal wedding at sunset that's what we'll do. There is nothing wrong with a couple having the wedding they want if they are paying for it. People have some nerve telling others to change their wedding. I just needed to get that off my chest.

​

Comments

​

SamanthaL10

100% agree, it is YOUR day and everyone else can screw off. stand on business and DON’T let them convince you.

​

Update - 7 months later

​

My wife and I didn't budge, and we had the wedding we wanted. I couldn't believe that anyone would get so angry about someone else's wedding. It wasn't just one person or a handful of people. There were a lot of complaints and my wife and I were surprised at how entitled some people were being. We just got back from our honeymoon and some people are still upset with us. We ignored anyone who complained or decided not to come to our wedding, but we are both glad we didn't cave to the pressure and kept things the way we wanted. It was the perfect day and we have no regrets.

We had our ceremony at sunset. It took less than 15 minutes. Then we had dinner and a short reception. Our entire wedding (ceremony, dinner and reception) lasted four and half hours. We got married locally so no one had to pay for flights or hotels. We hired a taxi service to provide free transportation to and from the wedding for anyone who wanted it. We had an open bar and free food. We got married on a Saturday so none of our guests would have to take time off work. My wife and I had nearly all our photos taken before the ceremony, so we only needed to do a couple of photos with our families and there wasn't a delay between the ceremony and dinner. We told our family and friends we didn't want gifts. We didn't pressure anyone to attend if they didn't want to. We thought we were being relaxed about things but it wasn't enough for some people.

The complaints were related to the venue having a policy that all guests had to be above the drinking age, the venue being upscale/formal and the wedding being so late in the day. People were upset they couldn't bring their children since the venue only allows people who are 18 years old and older. People were upset about having to dress formally. People thought the late time and formal dinner were not child-friendly. We had so much pressure to get married somewhere else or to have the wedding earlier in the day. I still can't how entitled people were about our wedding. How do you tell someone else what to do for their own wedding?

​

Comments

​

tj0911

OP, it sounds like the wedding I'd love to attend. Don't let these people who are complaining live rent free in your head instead just think if they are complaining even though they made it, then they would anyways have had under any circumstances. There are always people who aren't ever happy with anything and have an opinion about everything. Live your best life. Congratulations to you and your spouse on your wedding.

quedeusmeperdoe

i had 2 friends that stopped talking to each other because of something like that. bride and groom set the date and friend was angry because they did not ask if the day was ok for her. I told her they can chose the date they want and she also stopped talking to me. Good for you op!

FitAd8822

I like you had a child free wedding, a lot of my family and friends had kids. 99% were glad to have a night off from their kids and let their hair down and relax. Only 1 couple complained saying they couldn’t get a baby sitter (they had 6months to find one) i told her well it will be sad that she can’t attend but I understand. A day later she said she found one. (She always had one she just wanted them to come, but I’m not a pushover) Don’t let these annoying people ruin your day. Just remove them from your life moving forward.

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/DovaBunny posting in r/pregnant

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 30th April 2026

Update - 6th June 2026

Editors Note - FTM = First Time Mum

​

NIPT test vs ultrasound - one says boy, one says girl

​

I'm 29wks, 34 FTM. All's been good so far, we opted to do the nipt test earlier on and said we'll want to know the gender.

It said boy. We were so excited, had a baby shower recently, picking names and fixing the baby room.

Now today at 29wks the obstetrician says the ultrasound looks like a little girl to him.

He says it might be one of them is wrong - which is unlikely - or it's a bigger issue. He offered an amniocentesis, but says it won't change anything really.

We were so excited and happy and suddenly things feel uncertain and unclear. I don't know what to think.

Very open to any advice or wisdom right now.

​

Comments

​

wigglygoat

I'd assume the nipt would be accurate. Ultrasound is just looking at the baby and guessing. The nipt is picking up a y chromosome in your blood. There would be no y chromosome found in the blood if it was a girl.

Spiritual_Sea_1808

I agree with this but the only thing I would flag is that the only times I’ve seen an incorrect result by NIPT which is super rare btw is when the mother herself has a gender disorder she didn’t know about that skews the test. Again so rare so it’s more likely that the ultrasound was wrong but could be worth looking into. Also gender can be seen in ultrasound by 16 weeks so it’s strange to me that this only coming up now. Can you get another scan?

Messycrown2

other occasions of it being wrong are when the mother has twins and doesn’t know it but losses one early on around when testing was done.

Ironinvelvet

Almost assuredly a boy. Ultrasounds can be wrong when angles aren’t good. A lot of times inexperienced techs will say “girl” when they don’t visualize the penis and scrotum, rather than actually seeing the labia lines.

NIPT is genetic bloodwork so it detected a Y chromosome, which means boy.

There are some cases where there can be XY females and appearance differences resulting in some ambiguity, but it’s more likely that the tech just didn’t get a good look.

​

**Judgement - NIPT will be correct (boy) **

​

Update - 2 months later

​

For those who asked for an update and for anyone who might have a similar situation.

TLDR is that our (35f FTM, 37m) baby's NIPT came back as boy. We were excited and picked a name, prepped, etc.

Then I just had an odd hunch during a routine visit and scan to ask them to just check what they could see. Our excellent OBs said that's female genitals. Cue panic.

Fast forward - she was born by elective C section Thursday. We had a Neonatologist and paeds endocrinologist ready who did a full check and ultrasound.

By all accounts - the is pure girl. The NIPT was wrong.

Our midwife had spoken to the lead geneticist in the country at the NIPT lab who said it's incredibly rare - but it can happen in the case of a vanishing twin or miscarriage just before the pregnancy. I suspect I had the latter as I had a sudden very heavy period a few weeks before I learned I was pregnant.

So that's it - the NIPT is near perfect, but it can get it wrong.

​

Comments

​

Calm_Bother_3842

I have a friend who had the same incorrect NIPT result, but it turns out they messed up whose test is whose in the lab, and it wasn't vanishing twin or anything.

questionsaboutrel521

Yes. Lab error, or also it’s possible the sample was contaminated. Likely if OP took a second NIPT or even one of the drugstore sneak peek tests, would have confirmed girl.

Professional-Pop-136

That’s a very important post! Thank you for sharing.

This is what I’ve told my doctors and they didn’t want to believe me.

I had a vanishing twin which stopped to develop at 6 weeks. My doctors pushed me to do the NIPT starting week 10. I told them that false positive gender might be a very possible outcome since the NIPT is looking for any Y-Chromosome and not the strongest chromosome quantity in blood.

I waited until the online recommended 8 weeks of vanishing and did the NIPT at 17/18 weeks. It confirmed the ultrasounds before 🩷.

If I would have given in I’m sure it would have said boy as well.

Edit: I would like to add that depending when the vanishing occurred it might take longer to get exact outcomes but generally 8 weeks of waiting are recommended and to wait until the embryosack is absorbed.

This might prevent false gender predictions but also false chromosome predictions if the vanished twin didn’t develop because of chromosomal abnormalities.

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Apart-Landscape220 posting in r/AITAH

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 24th May 2026

Update - 16th June 2026

AITAH for not wanting to help with my nieces party?

my older sister (29f) and brother-in-law (28m) have struggled financially for basically their entire adult lives. they became parents to 3 girls really young, so i’ve always tried to give them grace and help where i can.

last year, my son turned 2. we had his birthday party about two weeks early because his actual birthday is usually too cold for outdoor stuff where we live. my husband and i invited my sister to do a combined birthday party at our house for my niece, who was turning 8 around the same time.

because money was tight for them (and because they were stressing about costs constantly), i ended up paying for basically everything for my niece’s side too — decorations, food, cake, etc. i had already rented a bounce house for my son, but upgraded it so older kids could use it too.

i also promised my other two nieces (11 and 10) that i’d help make their birthday special this summer because they did not have a party last year due to their parents finances.

so now their party is coming up in june. this past weekend, my nieces called me asking if i was still helping plan it. obviously i said yes because i love them and would never want to disappoint them.

at first, my sister wanted to do the party at a park. my nieces didn’t even want that because it’ll be hot, humid, or raining. i suggested renting out an arcade in my city and doing a stranger things-themed arcade party for 3 hours. the girls were so excited about it.

then my sister shut it down immediately because she said the “50 people she invited” wouldn’t want to drive 25 minutes.

here’s the thing: most of these people aren’t even there for the kids. half of them don’t have children, won’t bring gifts, and are basically just my brother-in-law’s family/friends who turn every event into drinking, smoking, loud music, and drama. my nieces didn’t even want a lot of them there in the first place.

meanwhile, i offered to pay for:

the arcade rental

food

decorations

cake

basically everything.

but my sister still refused because she wants everyone to be able to come.

at that point i told her if the priority is hosting a giant cookout for adults instead of an actual kids birthday party, then she can pay for it herself.

now we’re arguing about what i “should” still contribute financially. and honestly, i’m frustrated because they’re planning to feed 50 people while barely having groceries at home. i literally had to doordash dinner to their family recently because they had no food.

at this point, i’m considering just mailing my nieces their gifts and stepping away from the whole thing.

aitah?

Comments

Ok-CANACHK

take your nieces out for a 'Birthday Day' & let your sister have the home party she wants NTA

EmIsLoCo

Absolutely this! Also stop helping them. They’ve clearly got their priorities messed up if a party comes before feeding their family.

ElemWiz

"What are you doing planning such a huge event ON MY DIME when you can't even afford dinner?" NTA.

CarolinCLH

Plan a special day with you and the kids. Go to an arcade. Get cake or cupcakes. Let the parents handle the adult party

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 3 weeks later

so, update time since some people were asking for one.

for starters, i told my sister ahead of time that i will not be attending the party due to my brother-in-laws extremely annoying family and i will not be helping with the costs because it is not what they want to do. instead of attending, i sent my nieces money over cashapp two days after posting the original post and agreed to take them to the arcade next week for another birthday "party".

my sister and brother-in-law took their money and used it to buy fast food for themselves, my three nieces and my brother-in-laws aunt. so, there's that.

let's cut to this past sunday, their birthday party. it stormed the entire time and about 45 minutes before the party ended, it got extremely humid and gross. their decorations were destroyed, the food was rained on, it was a mess. just as i assumed, there were about 30 people there and they received TWO gifts each and around $150 each from their grandpa (my sisters father), mine and my sister's great aunt and their aunt (my brother-in-laws sister)... one niece had NO friends there because the storm and the other had a friend show up for about 30 minutes and left because of the rain. barely ANY kids were there.

my nieces are very much looking forward to going to the arcade and getting some boba. they seemed so disappointed in their birthday party and i am genuinely upset for them. i wish they would have had a better party, but i will always strive to give them the best, even if i look foolish.

Comments

Character-Cabinet473

How about open a new bank account under your name and you hold the money for them until they are old en independent enough? Also for in the future if they have a job it can be deposit to that account.

roadkill4snacks

I don’t know if you can actually protect your sister’s kids from your sister’s lifetime of (?wilful) financial incompetence. Their selfishness, short sightedness, greed and laziness seems endless.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/CuriousCarob154 posting in r/AITAH

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 4th June 2026

Update - 6th June 2026

AITAH for not wanting to go to an amusement park with my friend because she is plus size?

Hi! I am probably going to get hate based on the title alone but read the whole post please.

I am 21F and have a childhood friend 22F. We live near a big amusement park in our state and every summer since we were kids we have gone to it together pretty often.

Ever since we were teens she’s been curvy/ plus size, and that’s fine by me. But recently she’s put on a lot more weight, again I don’t care about this at all, means nothing to me. However it’s created an issue with going on the rides and attractions at the amusement park.

We haven’t been to the park in around a year. Our first time back was last week. When we were there I discovered that most of the rides we used to love going on, she can no longer can fit on them. Others she can technically fit, but doesn’t want to ride them because the seatbelts feel too uncomfortable. There are very few rides left that she can go on without an issue. Also, we went on a ride recently where two people share a bench type of seat, it was extremely uncomfortable because there wasn’t much room for me and felt like i was being crushed most of the ride, it honestly felt unsafe.

There’s also been an issue with her eating my food while we are there. Like for example I will buy some popcorn or something at the amusement park, she will buy her own stuff, then she asks to try mine. Usually she will eat it all if i don’t stop her.

I may get hate for this part but she sometimes gets dirty looks or pointed at when we are there together, because people are judgemental. This makes me sad for her and just uncomfortable overall.

She’s been asking if i wanna go to the amusement park this weekend and I really don’t see the point because we won’t be able to go on most of the rides. I feel terrible tho and don’t know how to say i don’t want to go. Should I suggest some other activity? I feel like she will get suspicious because i love amusement parks and usually always wanted to go during past summers. I’m not entirely sure why she wants to go there so badly if most of the attractions do not work for her anymore. AITAH?

Edit: Hi. I appreciate all the comments. I have been asked a few questions repeatedly so want to clarify. I was asked if she can wait for me while i ride certain rides, i brought this up once and she said she doesn’t really want to because that would be boring for her since the lines are so long and i totally understand where she is coming from.

Also people are taking what i said about stealing food and me shaming her for her weight and eating habits. I want to say that ever since we were children she has had a habit of taking other people’s food, and she was not overweight at the time, i mentioned it because it is something she typically does at amusement parks.

I’ve been told that it’s not fair to say i am uncomfortable when people stare at her or say mean things (this has happened a couple times mostly by groups of kids/teens) Do people want me to be happy when my friend is getting this treatment? Yes it’s more important how she feels not me, but i am not her and can’t speak for her. It seemed to bother her too though, and i once yelled at one of the people who made comments to her and she said she appreciated that as she’s much more reserved than i am so may not have been comfortable telling them off herself.

For those asking about why she still wants to go to this park, there’s 2-3 rides she still goes on without much issue. She usually wants to just repeat those ones when we go. I would be ok to do this sometimes since i like those rides, but if we go every week (which is normal for us in past summers) this begins to feel like a waste of money and no longer as fun. Thanks

I’ve given an update on my page if anyone is interested

Comments

N7Tom

NTA. When I was in high school I went to a theme park and I saw a larger guy in my year trying to get on a rollercoaster. The safety lock or whatever you want it wouldn't close around him and he had to leave so the rollercoaster could start. It was humiliating for him and a bunch of people were laughing. Suggesting another activity might be best.

BurninRunes

Agree. There was a video a few years back(not going to link for obvious reasons) were a worker allowed a larger guy to go on one of those tower plummet rides and unfortunately he broke the harness and fell out of the ride. At a certain point it can be dangerous for them to go on the rides as they weren't safety tested for humans of that size/weight.

Amareldys

NTA But handle it delicately. Suggest the other activity. "I was kind of hoping to do something chill like go to the beach. I'm not really up for long lines this weekend"

toastedmarsh7

Why not go with a group so she can enjoy the parts of the park that she likes and there are other people to ride with?

Ok_Lengthiness_8405

NTA. I'd take the money angle: "The park is expensive, and I feel i can't get my money's worth when our rides are limited - not too mention the cost of food! Let's do X, Y, or Z instead." Not rude, not accusatory, just pointing out that your time and money is best spent elsewhere when you hang together

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 5 days later

This will be the only update. You can skip a bit to see the update as I am going to clarify some things first and give some disclaimers.

DISCLAIMERS: Some people believe my story is fake, it is not and I am sorry if it comes across that way. I have gotten some really helpful responses, so thank you. I’ve also gotten some insane replies, some that shame my friend and others that shame me. I know it has been posted to other subreddits where people claim i am fatphobic and trying to incite hatred. I in no way hate fat people, in the comments I quickly responded to rude comments about my friend and let them know that this was unacceptable. Also the reason I used the term “plus size” is because I was taught that “fat” is an offensive term, but have now been told otherwise. My apologies.

Also, someone claims that my story is fake because “3 weeks ago I made another story and claimed to be 17 years old.” I have not done any such thing, this is a blatant lie. I have only ever made 1 other post, and it clearly states I am 20. That was a few weeks ago, I’ve now turned 21.

UPDATE: I chose to talk to my friend yesterday as today was the day she wanted to go to the theme park. I did not bring up anything about weight, but simply said that I was wondering if she felt like we got our moneys worth last time we went. She stated that it would’ve been nice to get on more rides but that she doesn’t want to go on any rides with an over the chest restraint (which is what they have on most of the rides at our park) because they’re uncomfortable/do not close.

I told her I totally understood this, but that this really limits what we can do while at the theme park and that tickets are pretty expensive especially as we are college students. She said she sees my point and said that she is trying to save money too, so we decided that instead of going to the theme park so often (we used to go maybe 3x a month) we are just gonna go back in August when they will be having a live music performance and firework show at the park. I directly asked her if she would be offended if i went to the park with other friends, she said no, and that it makes sense for the time being since it isn’t the easiest activity for her right now.

She also commented on how she’s gotten into the habit of going with me every summer and wasn’t fully considering if this was actually worthwhile because she was so used to it. I told her that there are other theme parks i’ve heard of that seem a lot more accommodating and that maybe if she wants to do a road trip one day we could try another park. We made other plans for tonight, we are gonna go see a fun movie. That’s all. We are still close friends, she isn’t mad, and no she doesn’t think I am fatphobic for suggesting another activity, unlike some redditors here lol.

Thank you to everyone who was kind for the support and for the good ideas. <3

Comments

smileyfacegauges

i love mutual respect and communication between friends. huzzah!! 💖💖💖 i hope you both enjoy your summer!!

Thevintageandvanity

It sounds like a really productive conversation where she felt comfortable discussing this with you. She knows what's up, and you were respectful about your approach. It is a thing. It's restrictive. It sucks. But you're going to do other cool stuff which is the important part. Excellently done and I hope you guys have fun on your road trip.

FelineCompanionCube

As a plus-size guy, who used to be PLUS-sized, NO amusement park is "accommodating". Maybe there might be a ride or two that are a bit more flexible for their seat size, but not to the point where someone who is large to the point of being stared/pointed at could fit comfortably or safely.

When I was at my largest (550 lbs), a good friend of mine wanted to go to an amusement park that is less than an hour away. I realized that there would be very little for me to do, so I did like OP claimed to do, and researched. There is a lot of blatant lies online, claiming that Parks A, B, C had rides that are "more than large enough", and Parks X, Y, and Z have more "luxury of space". I started to build up hope... until I followed through with phone calls to every park.

After I explained that I wanted blunt honesty, most of the client support staff were willing too be truthful. Precisely NONE of the parks had any rides rated for more than 300-350 lbs, most were rated for less than that. NONE of the rides could safely handle an obese-to-the-point-of-staring individuals. Their websites just aren't willing to firmly state that because we live in such a litigious world, and when people think that they have a right to compensation if a business is "fat-phobic"... yeah.

If OP actually looked into it, they didn't look hard enough. I guaran-damn-tee you, her friend shouldn't be on ANY rides.

FelineCompanionCube

As a plus-size guy, who used to be PLUS-sized, NO amusement park is "accommodating". Maybe there might be a ride or two that are a bit more flexible for their seat size, but not to the point where someone who is large to the point of being stared/pointed at could fit comfortably or safely.

When I was at my largest (550 lbs), a good friend of mine wanted to go to an amusement park that is less than an hour away. I realized that there would be very little for me to do, so I did like OP claimed to do, and researched. There is a lot of blatant lies online, claiming that Parks A, B, C had rides that are "more than large enough", and Parks X, Y, and Z have more "luxury of space". I started to build up hope... until I followed through with phone calls to every park.

After I explained that I wanted blunt honesty, most of the client support staff were willing too be truthful. Precisely NONE of the parks had any rides rated for more than 300-350 lbs, most were rated for less than that. NONE of the rides could safely handle an obese-to-the-point-of-staring individuals. Their websites just aren't willing to firmly state that because we live in such a litigious world, and when people think that they have a right to compensation if a business is "fat-phobic"... yeah.

If OP actually looked into it, they didn't look hard enough. I guaran-damn-tee you, her friend shouldn't be on ANY rides.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Intelligent_Buy_6498 posting in r/relationship_advice

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 8th June 2026

Update - 11th June 2026

I am (31M) infertile after years of treatment, And i think my wife (28F) regrets staying and wants an exit, I feel like I failed horribly.

I'm 31, married 5 years to my wife (28). tried for a baby for 2 years before finding out I have azoospermia, basically my body doesn't produce any sperm. I've done everything from supplements, hormone therapy, multiple surgeries including microTESE (they opened my testicles to search for sperm). All zero.

When I first got diagnosed, I told my wife I'd support her if she wanted to leave. She absolutely refused. Said she loved me and chose me. I saw a therapist who told me to stop feeling guilty and let my wife make her own choices and not push her away.

But recently, she said she's unhappy and gave me an ultimatum: we go to family counseling , or we end things. I never refused counselling, so this came out of nowhere. I can't help feeling she regrets staying and wants the counsellor to help her leave guilt-free.

Honestly I cant help but feel bummed about it to say the least, and i have no idea what mindset i should adapt now, just fight for things to stay normal while desperately seeking that magical medical prescription that will finally cure me?

And if things truly dont workout, how do I even start over at 31 with infertility? Do I date single mothers? Stay alone? Just forget about the one I truly loved?

TL;DR: Infertile after all treatments and i think the marriage is on the brink.

EDIT: To answer everyone asking about the other options, we already discussed it of course, she is against donor sperm , but is open for adoption, but in the same time I feel it would be unfair and selfish to make her abandon her own ability to procreate her own biological children to stay with me, its hard to explain.

Comments

Klexington47

Hi I need to leave you this comment. I was convinced by donor sperm. When my dad found out he couldn’t have kids he tried to leave my mom to find a man who could. She didn’t want that. She spent years building a family with him because she wanted a family with him! Here I am 36 years old, I idolize my dad. I could meet my donor, I found him on 23andme, I just don’t care to. Stay open minded and you might get the family you always wanted and wished for

stophamitime

I’m currently growing a little one using donor eggs and your comment made me so happy!!!! We have an open-donation but we decided that while our kiddos will always know they’re donor conceived, we will let them decide after 18 if they want to meet their donor or not.

kingcasperrr

Go to therapy first and try to work it out (of you want to be with her). Have you discussed other options for having a family like sperm donation or adoption? You sound like you want a family so maybe the therapy needs to focus on what that will look like?

Update - 3 days later

After posting here, I decided to have another conversation with her and try to truly listen. At first, she blamed her unhappiness on minor things and tasks I hadn't done, such as fixing a broken light switch that we never use, doing some minor paint work on the bedroom wall, and finding replacement parts for our dishwasher shelf that had started to rust. I wasn't convinced, so I told her those things could be arranged and fixed during the week, and I asked if that was really all there was to it.

That's when she started being honest with me. She admitted that she had already attempted filing for divorce, that she no longer felt the spark in our marriage or our future, and that she wanted to find herself. This confirmed my gut feeling she had already been preparing her exit. However, she said the reason she hesitated and stopped was because she loves me deeply. She loves my calm demeanor and how supportive I am, so she wants to try counseling before making a final decision, and was scared i would refuse which was an automatic exit for her.

As sad as I was to hear her say that, it also felt like a relief and lightened some of the burden I had been carrying. After a day of thinking, I decided to set things in motion and schedule everything. She will stay with her parents for a few days so that each of us can have some space to think individually and seek support from friends and family. Then we will meet up, attend counseling together, and see how things work out.

I feel like the planning part made me less anxious about the future and how things would go, if she decides to stay i will try to amend things and get more therapy work for myself to better understand the situation, and if she decides to leave, then i'll try making it as smooth and easy for her, and start learning how to properly break up as i never went through anything like this before.

Comments

RayRexten

The part that struck me is that your infertility turned out not to be the whole story. Painful as this conversation was, at least you're finally talking about the actual problem instead of the one you've been blaming yourself for.

alastrid

Infertility is still the issue. We struggled to conceive, and we used to argue about every little thing because we were exhausted from medical appointments and treatments and frustrated that we weren't getting what we wanted most.

We have our daughter now. The little everyday issues are still there, but we don't argue anymore, and if we do, the disagreements are minor. It's much easier to have a healthy relationship when you're happy with everything else.

ConsultJimMoriarty • 10h ago So are you gonna do those little jobs that would be fixed in a week now? How long has she been asking you to do them and why haven’t you?

>OOP: Yeah i was planning to do them eventually when I get the time and energy, I wasnt intending or want to defend my inaction here to truly see the whole picture and try to solve the problem no matter how tiny it is one step at a time, but i guessni must explain it now.

>The lightswitch is recent and wont take 5 mins to install and is cheap, but its so irrelevant she wouldnt have known it was broken had I not placed a sticky note with "under maintenance danger" on it as a joke, its in a room thats currently functioning as a wardrobe/storage room, there's 3 other light switches all equal in brightness to the broken one in the same room.

>The paint is just some old paint peeling at the bottom of one wall in the bedroom, its been there for a while and i worked on it slowly myself, repainted some parts but it wasnt perfect, conviently a professional painter was working with my neighbors, so I brought him home to check if it needs more than just paintwork and get an estimate on the costs if he would do it for me while she wasn't at home, when she got back and I told her and she got upset that I had brought in a stranger to our house without telling her, I explained it was only to fix the wall and the price is agreeable, but she kept arguing that she doesnt like that someone got in before she could tidy up first, so seeing how difficult and stressful something so mundane have become i just stopped the whole project, and focused on other things instead.

>And the dishwasher shelf/rack its just the tips starting to rust out, it works fine and everything, i kept searching for our same model and only found it after sometime in a spare parts shop thats almost an hour away, so my options are limited since they close exactly when I get out of work, so I'll either have to get someone to pick it for me or go during work hours which is difficult, its not an impossible task but quite complex which is why I keep delaying it.

>I'm a jack of all trades and do things myself all the time, I even installed whole windows before and AC units, so im not shy of getting my hands dirty, which is why I delayed what I assumed was small irrelevant work around the house.

Qualityhams

I feel like you could have accomplished one of these instead of typing this all out.

bluebra7777

Please also understand this…. she’s not complaining about JUST a broken light switch or some minor paint. When a wife is upset about a “small” task, it’s usually because that task represents 100 other things she’s been carrying alone. It’s the mental load of having to notice, track, remind, plan, and manage everything. She doesn’t want a handyman or employee.. she wants a partner.

Scared_Service9164

Exactly. Death by a thousand cuts. I noticed how dismissive OP was of them, and yet, he was able to complete them all within a week when he realised how unhappy she was.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Vermontnewengland posting in r/relationship_advice

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 20th June 2023

Update - 11th June 2026

&#x200B;

My (40m) wife (37m) puts me in no win scenarios Not sure how to navigate these types of situations

&#x200B;

I (40m) recently helped my parents pick up a trampoline for my nieces/nephews. It was going to be about 2 hours total including driving, and my mom was going to make burritos for anybody who came. I brought it up a few days ahead of time and while my wife(37f) was annoyed it was happening in the middle of the day, she accepted me helping as we didnt have any other plans that day.

As the time to leave approached she started getting upset. She complained that she would be hungry because I was leaving right at lunch time. I suggested various items in the house but she turned them all down. I reminded her that she could just come with me and have a burrito as well. She said no, it'll be too awkward to go because she can't help move the trampoline (twisted ankle).

I asked her to please let me know what food she wants and I'll get it, or get ingredients from the store. She still didnt know what she wanted, and told me to figure it out. Finally she said she wanted... a burrito. I suggested she have a snack and I'd bring back a burrito for her. I was told this is unacceptable because she didn't want to wait 2 hours to eat

Time now running short I foolishly said she is being unreasonable and is an adult woman who can handle her own lunch situation if no options I suggested work. Now the waterworks are going. Fine, whatever, I'll go buy ingredients and make a burrito. I grumpily head to store to buy burrito ingredients. She immediately starts texting saying there's no need for me to do that and why am I making her feel so bad?

I came back and cooked up a chicken burrito. Of course she didn't want it, she felt too bad that I called her unreasonable. I practically begged her to eat it, and put it next to her on the table. An hour later texts start coming in saying she is getting a headache from hunger implying it is my fault. She says I am putting everybody's needs ahead of hers. Being a knight in shining armor to the worldut not my partner. (These 2 hours were the only time we spent apart the whole weekend). I arrived home with some leftover burrito 20 minutes later than originally expected. She was upset with me and ignored me the rest of the afternoon aside from saying that i should have thought of going to Moe's and bought her a burrito rather than making her one, as if I was stupid for not thinking of that. In the morning it was all sunshine and butterflies. Am I crazy? This seems so off for an adult and it's repeated over and over in different situations, not exclusively when she's hungry.

&#x200B;

Comments

&#x200B;

totallynotarobut

How are you living like this? This woman sounds tiresome beyond belief.

>OOP: I'm not sure, honestly. She is sweet as can be when things are smooth so I forget how frequent these bumps are. Therapy is helping me see how the pattern repears much more than I was realizing, and how it's chipping away at who I am.

totallynotarobut

i saw your comment where she's unwilling to do couples therapy because she doesn't want to look like the bad guy, but she has to understand that this can't keep happening.

Slow_Impact3892

She doesn’t want to look like the bad guy because she is the bad guy and knows it.

Takeabreak128

You are married to a passive/aggressive AH. Boundaries need to start happening. One of which, is if she goes off, you’re disengaging and leaving. I would be so burned out from this absolute nonsense.

>OOP: I do put that into practice a decent amount, she says me leaving in the middle of an argument is manipulative and controlling behavior and a sign of anger issues on my part

zanne54

Oh, ok, then what does she consider her rages when she berates you for hours at a time? Is that not also manipulative and controlling behaviour & a sign of anger issues on her part? In her mind, probably not. In my mind: she's the problem not you.

In addition to being abusive to you, it sounds like she's gaslighting you pretty hard, and there is likely she has some sort of mental/personality disorder. Her refusal to entertain therapy or see a doctor indicates she is unwilling to take any responsibility/ownership of your disagreements. She likes it the way she has it, throwing tantrums and making you jump through arbitrary hoops to "prove" your love. This is unsustainable for you, exhausting and totally unfair. My advice to you is to disengage, walk away and divorce her.

Vegetable-School8337

What are you doing lol why are you making her a burrito

>OOP: That's the part that struck me as the weirdest. She decided she needed a burrito, but wouldn't come to my parents house where burritos were being served, or wait until 230pm when I got back when leftover burritos. I think she at one point suggested I go to my parents house, grab her a burrito, drive it back to her, and then return to my parents house to help move the trampoline. Felt like some weird "power move"

&#x200B;

Update - 3 years later

&#x200B;

A couple of years ago I posted about an interaction with my now ex-wife. I got quite a bit of feedback. Some of it was harsh and a lot of it was one the nose. I made a few related posts in various subs but this was the one that put me on the track towards changing my situation so I figured I'd give an update.

To all those that said she was insufferable and childish and to run: you were right. We tried therapy which she thought was great at first until a couple of months in when the counselor starting to see through the facade she put up. Then the same thing happened with the next one.

The abuse escalated as I tried to put up boundaries such as "If you keep swearing at me after I've asked you to stop, I will leave the house for an hour and not take any calls". I could see how if I stuck with those hard barriers for years I might be able to carve out a more manageable life but I decided it would not be one that I could possibly enjoy. So I left.

Since that day a giant weight was lifted. Yeah, I lived in a friend's spare room for a while at 40 years old. Then I lived in the studio apartment above my sister's garage for another year while going through the divorce process. But man, I feel bad for the guy if there's an alternate reality version of me still stuck in that mess. Instead I have a wonderful life, a partner who is kind and caring, a new better job, and we're even expecting a little girl!

TLDR: Reddit said my wife was ridiculous and I should leave her. I did and life is great.

&#x200B;

Comments

&#x200B;

Fit-Bat244

Damn. Glad you made it out, and congrats on becoming a dad.

>OOP: Thanks! Looking back kinda wild what was happening

Posterbomber

The only thing you have to watch out for now is the abuse hang over. It's the part where after you leave and everything feels amazing, suddenly you'll start thinking about that one-time-when-this-happened, you'll be very angry. It's the "why didn't I leave sooner" and on and on. Otherwise, I'm proud of you and happy for you

>OOP: Yeah there were a couple moments in the first month where I should have just walked away but didn't. Still kicking myself but not too hard since I did eventually regain my life

0bservation

Dude, I went through almost the exact same thing as you. Still dealing with the divorce process which is hell, but a huge weight is lifted just by not being around my ex anymore. Happy for you - hopefully other men in emotionally abusive relationships take the warning!

>OOP: Glad you managed to get out as well! I can still remember by the end my blood pressure going through the roof when I heard her get home from being out because I knew a battle could be coming at any moment...

&#x200B;

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRA_fallopian_tu posting in r/relationship_advice

Concluded as per OOP

Content Warning : >!possible stealthing!<

1 update - Medium

Original - 8th June 2026

Update - 10th June 2026

I (30F) am pregnant with my fiancé (32M). He wants to keep it, but we're both supposed to be childfree. How do I tell him I don't want to keep it?

I'm pregnant but I'm not supposed to be. My fiancé and I are childfree. We spoke about it in depth when we started getting serious, and every now and then touch on the subject to make sure with both on the same page. We've been together for 2 years, engaged for 3 months and in that entire time not once have we had a pregnancy scare. I'm on birth control, he uses condoms. We're careful.

Then I started feeling a bit under the weather. I've been feeling nauseous or at times have a lack of appetite, I get headaches or feel a bit light headed, and I've been getting tired more easily. These symptoms kept persisting and I went to the doctor thinking I've caught something. They do a routine exam, including a pregnancy test, and then eventually come back to tell me I'm around 6-7 weeks pregnant.

I kind of laugh because no? I'm on BC, there's no way. I tell them to do the test again, but they're confident the test is accurate. They couldn't do an ultrasound at the time, but booked me in for another appointment. I'm internally freaking out at this point because somehow my BC's failed and I need to go tell my fiancé.

Cut to the conversation and I'm a mess. I'm crying and snotty and barely getting my words out. He does what I expect and comforts me. He hugs me and tells me everything will be okay, and my God, I temporarily felt so much relief. And then it's all shattered and my anxiety is kicked into overdrive when he tells me we'll make great parents and that he'll be with me every step of the way.

I don't know, it's like my whole world tilted on an axis? It's really difficult to explain how much his words affected me because one of the key foundations of our life and future was that our lifestyles are so aligned, and here he is telling me he wants to keep the baby. I ask him what he means, and he says it's clearly a miracle I'm pregnant because we managed to conceive despite everything we've done to prevent having babies.

I tell him we're supposed to be childfree, we both agreed we didn't want kids. He says that's true but now that I'm pregnant, things are different. No?? I wanted him to come with me so I could get an abortion. I've never been pregnant before, I've never had an abortion before. I'm TERRIFIED to go by myself. I really need him there with me and supporting me and being my rock because I have no idea how painful it will be. I don't have anyone else in my life I trust to support me through this.

Eventually he tells me to go to bed and get some rest because I'm clearly overwhelmed. Which, yeah, I am, but not for the reason he thinks.I am 100% sure I don't want this baby. I don't want to be pregnant or give birth or raise a child. I don't want this.

How do I tell him I want to get an abortion? I'm so confused and upset because he's SO excited? It's like he's done a 180 and I'm afraid I'll be breaking his heart.

Before anyone asks, I've tried getting my tubes tied. I've seen three different doctors and none of them would sign off on me having the surgery. Up until this point, birth control and condoms had always been enough.

TLDR: Fiancé and I are childfree, I'm now pregnant. Fiancé wants to keep the baby while I want to get rid of it. Need advice on how to tell him.

Comments

AffectionateBite3827

If you want an abortion, get one. But I’d be prepared to do it alone or figure out someone else who can support you.

He may decide this is a dealbreaker. So I’d also be prepared to be single.

Interesting that you were the only one looking into a more permanent solution to birth control. I don’t think he’s actually childfree! And I’d wonder why he’s so immediately OK with having a baby after years of saying otherwise.

>OOP: I'm starting to worry this is my reality. It hurts because he was SO adamant he never wanted children, and then the moment I was pregnant, a flip was switched.

electricookie

It’s possible he changed his mind. However you didn’t. He’s the one who needs to cope with the change of his wants.

>OOP: Hi everyone I'm heading to bed now as I have work in the morning and I then need to confront my fiancé about this whole situation. So if I don't respond, it's because I'm sleeping/working/throwing myself into the abyss. Good night

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 2 days later

So I spoke to my fiancé yesterday about our situation. It didn't go well.

I started off the conversation by asking him if he really wanted this baby, or if he acted excited just in case he was worried I wanted it. Someone suggested this could be what happened, but unfortunately, he told me he really does want this child with me. So I ripped the plaster off and told him I don't want this baby. I told him that I was going to do what we had planned and get an abortion. I wanted him by my side, but if he really has changed his mind, then I need to know. He looked shocked and honestly a bit angry. He asked me how I couldn't be excited about this and how I could want to get rid of our baby. I told him because I never wanted children, I STILL don't want children, and getting pregnant hasn't changed that. He claimed I was still overwhelmed and not thinking straight, and this annoyed me. It's not like I'm suddenly incapable of making rational decisions?

I told him I've had the entire day to calm down and think about what I want to say clearly. If he wants a child, then I won't stop him. It hurts because it means the end of our relationship, but he won't be having that child with me. We fundamentally aren't compatible any more. I think he started panicking when he realised I was serious. He started talking faster, trying to convince me to keep the baby, that we'd make good parents, that we'd figure it out, that he'd work harder.

He didn't want to listen to the fact that I didn't want to go through with the pregnancy. That I wanted to remain childfree, that our future together was without children in the picture. And to be honest, his insistence was really unnerving. We started arguing because he just wouldn't agree to us separating or me getting an abortion. He never got physical, but his insistence that I COULDN'T get rid of the baby was upsetting me. I didn't think he did anything to my birth control when I made my first post as he's never been that kind of person, but I started having doubts.

I asked him how long he had changed his mind about wanting kids and he wouldn't tell me. I asked if it was before or after I told him I was pregnant. He said he didn't know. The relationship was 100% over at this point, so I asked if he had anything else he wanted to tell me. He looked sort of confused, and I elaborated on our birth control methods. Had they been messed with. I can't really explain the expression I saw on his face. It was like fear and anger balled into one. He told me I was nuts and said he couldn't talk to me "when I was like this" and left the house.

After that I got all my documents, essentials, electronics and some clothes together. I also left before he got back and went to a friend's place. We're close but not best friend close, so I was expecting her to decline when I asked to crash at hers for a bit. She agreed and after getting in, I told her everything that happened. She's said I can stay with her for as long as I need and she'll be by my side for the abortion.

My ex-fiancé called me when he realised I wasn't home. I answered and he demanded to know where I am. I said "with a friend" and refused to give him any details. I explained that I'm getting an abortion, that I don't need his permission or blessing or whatever, and that I would not stand in his way of wanting a family. But he'll need to have it with someone else. We're probably over and neither of us should have to compromise on this. The call was heart-breaking. We both ended up crying. Eventually, he said I can come get my stuff when he's at work, but that I'll regret getting rid of our child. I just said, "okay" and eventually hung up.

He's sent me the odd text today asking how I am. Then asking if I'd wait until we could get an ultrasound. I shot that down immediately and he hasn't sent much else. I'm planning on getting the rest of my things tomorrow when he's at work.

It's not the outcome I wanted. I really hoped he just...freaked out and didn't want to upset me. But his plans for his life have changed. It's pretty much confirmed we're not together any more. I'll be getting an abortion soon and then I'll try to figure out how to piece my life without my ex in it. I'm sad and mourning the loss of my best friend and partner, but this is preferable to the future he tried to convince me to give in to.

Thank you all for your messages and comments.

TLDR: Fiancé became ex-fiancé after he confirmed he wanted to keep the baby and tried to pressure me to keep it, too.

Comments

OrganicDigitalArt

Pretty much how that thread thought it was going to go. Sorry it didn’t turn out better for you, but you both are much more likely to get what you want this way.

>OOP: I really did hope what people had thought was wrong, but in the end that was wishful thinking. It hurts a lot now, but I'll heal from it.

Ok_Introduction9466

Please PLEASE make sure to go with multiple people to get your things and don’t notify him when you’re going to be there. Make sure to pick a day when you definitely know he’s usually at work. Something in the water isn’t clean about him or his reactions to any of this. I’m so sorry but so glad you stuck to your boundaries.

Update from OOP in the comments:

>Hello! I've gotten most of my things from my ex's house. There's some stuff that I've left behind, but it's things that are replaceable. I was prioritising items and clothes that are important or sentimental to me.

>A lot of people were telling me not to go alone, don't worry. I didn't. Before we went over, my friend called her two brothers and asked if they could come, too. Basically we said I had broken up with my fiancé and we were worried he'd be there as things were less than amicable. The plan was that we'd go in, I'd point out what was mine, her brothers would do the heavy lifting and my friend would take photos of the house and later timestamp them just in case my ex trashed the place and tried to blame it on me.

>My ex was at work like he said, but I didn't want to take my time in case he came back. We put my stuff in boxes, the guys carried them to the car, and I did a once over to make sure I hadn't left anything important behind.

>Someone suggested swiping the condoms to test if they had holes poked through them. He usually leaves them in his bedside cabinet, but they weren't there when I checked, and he definitely had a pack left. I had a look around in case he moved them, but in the end I couldn't find them. Take that how you will.

>After that, I locked his place up and pushed my key through his letter box. My friend wanted to push her phone through to take a photo of that, too but I was worried she was going to drop it and then we'd be screwed LMAO.

>We left and now I'm back at her place with my things. I thanked her brothers and promised I'd buy them their favourite beers. We're eating pizza now and just hanging out. I've booked an appointment, too, so by the end of this week, it'll hopefully be a forgotten nightmare. Luckily, I didn't run into my ex, but he did message me to ask if I'd been by.

>So that's where I'm at right now. Thank you for the support, everyone!

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Running-Wild1989 posting in r/Marriage

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 4th June 2026

Update - 8th June 2026

&#x200B;

Revealed too much during bachelorette game; do I tell hubby

&#x200B;

I was at a bachelorette party last weekend, with 8 other women of varying ages (30-50 bracket). Many glasses of wine and champagne were consumed. Silly games were played of the typical bachelorette party kind.

All of the women in attendance had partners. The rules of one game were that each woman would write down the size of their husband’s penis on a piece of paper, and put it into a vase. Totally anonymous, all in the name of a dirty game between friends.

The aim was that the bride to be pull out each piece of paper, and reveal what each one said. None of us were supposed to react, we had to try and deduce which one was hers.

In hindsight, I realised I could and should have lied and written any number. Nobody would’ve known. I wrote “4”. It was the only number smaller than 6 that was written, and when the bride to be revealed it there were a couple of gasps followed by some drunken giggles that broke the silence. My face stayed frozen.

Later, when talking about the game, a friend told me it was obviously my submission as it was written all over my face.

I’m mortified and guilt ridden. I’m sure - and hope - the friends will have forgotten the game by now but my mind isn’t passing over the fact these women know my husband. I’m in agony over whether to tell him what happened or just leave it.

&#x200B;

Comments

&#x200B;

Lilred170

Take this one to the grave

fatchodegang

Yeah, except all the husbands know now too

SharkLaser85

Not the ones with wives who lied about the sizes they wrote down.

Tengoatuzui

Trust me they know too

Braumen2771

Yea definitely don’t tell him but honestly what a betrayal. I would be mortified if my wife did that. Hopefully you as a couple don’t know these people. Because they’re going to tell their husbands and it just takes one jerk to throw out a joke and there you go. Treat him better when he’s not around.

&#x200B;

Update - 4 days later

&#x200B;

My last post was about revealing too much information during a bachelorette party - sensitive information about hubby, naively given while under the influence during a party game.

I sat my wonderful husband down two nights ago to inform him; perhaps against the better wishes of many who commented, but fear of him hearing it from one of our friends prompted me into action.

His response was light hearted. He chuckled. He asked me if I verbally confirmed that the “4” answer was my own, to which I said no. He shrugged it off and said “well, let people speculate then” and said if anybody was to pass comment to him then he’d laugh it off and make a joke about me misunderstanding the rules of the game.

He wasn’t phased by it. He made a joke to me: “well at least you sized me up a little; next time maybe add a couple extra”. His sense of humor remains intact, as does our marriage.

&#x200B;

Comments

&#x200B;

thebravekingamelia

I’m glad this turned out as it did. My buddy with a small penis also has a wonderful sense of humor.

PerfectionPending

I’m glad it’s working out and that your husband seems to be a very secure guy. Chances are not every woman was honest, and others upsize the bit. Whether or not they realized they were doing it.

It seems unlikely that every single woman there has a spouse who is at least a little larger than average. And those who were being honest, we’re probably mostly just guessing. And to be honest, most women tend to guess a little high.

relationshipprofile

“I wrote “4”. It was the only number smaller than 6 that was written,” Most were lying or using the metric system

Key_Dimension_2768

So glad it went well - just shows that you understood your relationship better than we strangers. I was in camp “take it to the grave” but you knew your hubby!

&#x200B;

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRAkidilemma posting in r/relationship_advice and r/legaladvice and r/mixedrace

Inconclusive, no new posts in 6 years

3 updates - Long

Original - 5th September 2020

Update1 - 7th September 2020

Update2 - 9th September 2020

Update3 - 13th September 2020

&#x200B;

My wife gave birth to a (black)baby that clearly isn't mine, and I'm divorcing her. But I'm worried about the relationship between my two kids and their new half-sister.

&#x200B;

A month ago, my wife gave birth to a black baby girl. We're both white, so she was forced to admit that the child was a result of a one night stand last year.

I've started divorce proceedings, although we're still living together for now. Between our two boys(aged 2 and 4, I've had paternity tests for them and they came back positive), her infant daughter and her having lost her job due to COVID, living together as amicably as possible until the divorce is settled is an unfortunate necessity.

Naturally I have no ill will towards the baby, and I've been disgusted by some of the comments I've heard from family members, friends, coworkers and others, all who seem to be fixated on the racial angle of this. As if the most salient part of this isn't that my wife cheated, but that she cheated with a BLACK man and that the baby is BLACK.

What really worries me is that my two sons might pick up on these narratives. They're too young to really understand what's happening now, but I'm worried that as they grow to understand the situation that they might grow to resent their half-sister for "breaking up their parents marriage". And worse that their resentment might express itself in a racist fashion, under the influence of the aforementioned racist narratives.

Any thoughts on how I should try to influence my son's away from that perspective? It probably doesn't help that we live in a suburb with very few black people and their half-sister is really the only black person my children know.

&#x200B;

Comments

&#x200B;

chaoticneutralhobbit

I’ll tell you what my dad did and you can use the info as you will: he invited my little brother, who was not his child, along with me to stay during the weekend. My brother wasn’t the product of infidelity or anything, he’s just my half brother. My stepdads son. But I didn’t know for a while because my dad brought him along to the museums, and the water parks, and the movies, etc. pretty much anytime I was at his place, my little brother was too, and he never complained. He loved my brother. So that’s an option. You can have the baby come with your sons occasionally, make sure they’re treating her okay, and be an example for his to treat their sister.*

xanderblaze123

Hmmm I’m no parent, but I think telling the boys to love their sister no matter what, would do the situation some good. Or at least to keep that message consistent through their upbringing.

>OOP: Thank you. I agree that consistent messaging is important- probably need to coordinate that with their mother as well.

canadaisnubz

Especially telling them to look out for her and help protect her. If they learn empathy early on you might raise kids who do the exact opposite of what racists do.

Analgerman

In most jurisdictions you will be the father of this child by default since you were married to the mother at birth (assuming she didn't go out of her way to put her ONSs name on the birth certificate). this means you will be on the hook for this child no matter how obviously she is not yours.

&#x200B;

Update - (WA)Adoption of my wife's child - 2 days later

&#x200B;

My wife and I are going through a divorce right now, however I've asked her to let me be recognized as the adoptive father of her daughter(not mine biologically). She's agreed, and we're aiming for 50/50 joint custody.

The biological father isn't in the picture, as my wife only knows his first name and is unable to find or contact him.

Also, while my wife has agreed, I'm not sure whether she can be considered legally of sound mind to consent to this. She's suffering PPD(and had serious depression even before the baby was born), is sleep deprived, and the whole situation with the divorce and backlash against her from family and friends has really done a number on her. I worry that if she agrees to this know but changes her mind later, it could be reversed due to her current mental state?

&#x200B;

Comments

&#x200B;

sunnydew22

No need to adopt. You are already legally presumed to be the father because you are/ were married when the child was born. Wife consented to you being the father to her future children the day you got married.

&#x200B;

Update - 2 days later

&#x200B;

Unfortunately my last post was locked, but I received a lot of helpful PMs from people. I'm particularly thankful for those who've lived through a similar situation(or have family and friends who've done so) and sent me advice on how this affected them and how to navigate the situation. I'd also like to thank the hundreds of mouthbreathing bigots who spammed my inbox.

The big takeaway for me was that if I'd need to lead by example here, not excluding her in any way because of her paternity so that she and my sons would see her as a full member of the family. Also that I need to be more active in confronting the bigoted and ignorant nonsense I've been hearing, and teach my sons to do the same to protect their sister. I've spoken to some of those responsible since and made clear my feelings on this, and that she is to be treated as a member family, and that if I ever find out that they've said things like that to my sons or their sister that they won't be allowed around us anymore.

I've spoken to my wife about this, and we're more or less on the same page. She's been begging me to forgive her and not go through the divorce, but that's not going to happen. Even if I didn't consider the cheating unforgivable, I just dont feel any love for her any more, other then a platonic affection for her as the mother of my children.

My sons are handling this as well as can be expected. The 4 year old doesn't fully understand, but is upset by the change in the household, thankfully he's easily distracted. The 2 year old is thankfully too young to comprehend what's going on, but has definitely picked up on how withdrawn his mother has become. They're both fascinated with their new little sister, so there's that silver lining.

My wife OTOH isn't in good shape at all. She was depressed even before the birth, and now with everything- our divorce, her infidelity being revealed and the backlash from family and friends, PPD, and the exhaustion from raising an infant- she's barely functional. She's seeing a therapist, and I've been pressuring some of our family and friends to be supportive of her because even if they think she deserves it her current state is making it harder for me and our children.

It's become very obvious to me that even after the divorce is finalized we're going to have to live together for a while longer. She's in no shape to be taking care of three kids without someone else around to support her, and I'm not willing to deprive her of her sons by seeking sole custody. It's also too difficult financially, since she's lost her job because of COVID.

As for the baby girl, she's healthy and fairly easy by baby standards. Since I've been helping care for her, I've bonded with her and I've discussed the possibility of adopting her with my wife. She can't contact the father, as the only thing she knows about him is his first name. And given our coparenting situation it feels like adopting her as my daughter would be the best outcome for all involved-

HOWEVER, there's been a wrench thrown in that plan. It was brought to my attention that there may be a way of finding the baby's father, namely by having her DNA tested by AncestryDNA. If the father or one of his relatives has also taken the test, we may be able to find him through there DNA match database.

If I'm being completely honest I'm not happy about this. I've already started to think of the baby girl as my daughter, and having him in our lives would massively complicate the family dynamic. Plus we live in Seattle and she met him in Philadelphia, so god knows how they'd even make it work if he wanted to be the kid's father.

However, I recognize that this is a selfish reaction. If we have a chance of finding her biological father we owe it to her do so, if only so that she has access to her paternal medical history and so that she can have a relationship with him if and when she chooses to do so. I've read a few accounts by children raised by non-biological parents and a common thread is their desire to meet their lost biological parent, so thats that. We've ordered an AncestryDNA kit for her, and I guess we'll decide our next steps once we get the results back in a couple of months.

&#x200B;

Comments

&#x200B;

blackholehumor

I'm glad to see the pieces are falling in to place for you and ending up as well as they can in these horrible situations. Stay strong and live your best life and be the best version of yourself you can be.

SensualDonuts

The way you’re dealing with this with a level head is commendable and that child is very lucky to have you. Many people wouldn’t respond how well you are and you deserve a ton of credit for that. Your life was thrown upside down and you’re still putting the baby’s best interest first. I hope everything works out well for you. You deserve that.

limbylegs

I wholeheartedly second this. OP's response to the situation is beyond admirable. Going the extra mile to even consider adopting the baby girl is an extraordinary display of altruism. I wish the best for everyone involved, but especially OP.

Waitwhonow

Op’s response has actually made me cry and made me understand there are really some good people Out there I def know i wouldnt have been so calm and lovable as this guy is. More power and energy to you OP. May you find a better person who deserves your love.

&#x200B;

Update - Advice for white parents raising a mixed race(black/white) daughter? 5 days later

&#x200B;

Our baby girl is a month and a half old at this point, so I'm trying to prepare myself for the racism and identity issues she's going to deal with as she ages. As much as I like to think of myself as an ally against racism I know my understanding as a white person is fundamentally limited, and we live in a suburb with barely any black people which is obviously going to make this even harder for her.

For those of you who were raised by white parents, what did they do wrong/right? How could they have done better?

Obviously we're going to have to have tough conversations with her as she ages about why some people treat her differently and the dangers that come with that, how should we approach these issues sensitively and age-appropriately to avoid traumatizing her?

&#x200B;

Comments

&#x200B;

heyitsme923

Urge you to not finalize the divorce with your wife. I totally understand why but I’m just saying the process of divorce and marriage is a big thing that’s hard to undo. You’ve already considered adopting the kid.. obviously you and your wife have a lot to work out and I don’t blame you in the slightest that you don’t love her anymore. But what’s the point of adopting HER kid if you’re not going to be with her.. you care about her enough to not abandon her with kids or separate them from their mother. Your actions speak louder than your words. I’m not saying forgive her yet, just don’t divorce, yet.

>OOP: I'm not planning on "leaving" just yet- given our financial and parental situation we're probably going to be living together for at least a year after the divorce is finalized.

>But I feel like divorce will bring clarity to the situation- she's still fixated on me forgiving her, and theres part of me that worries I'll cave, I feel like there finality of a divorce will put an end to that.

>Also, less nobly, I've gotten kinda close to a friend of mine who went through a tough divorce herself last year. I'm not ready to actually start dating her yet, but obviously she won't wait forever. And obviously I need to finalize the divorce before we can act on it.

thowawaywookie

This is all still raw for you. I would suggest you try marriage counseling before you throw in the towel. The friend isn't much of a friend if she's ok with being with a married man. Be cautious.

>OOP: You've got the wrong idea. She knows we're going through a divorce, and it just started off as her being a supportive friend but know the mutual attraction is undeniable.

>It probably won't work out in the long term- I'm still going to be living with me my ex-wife for a while after the divorce and I don't want to shove the new relationship in her face given she's not emotionally stable. My friend respects that, she's outright told me she's happy with a purely physical relationship because she hasn't been with a guy since her divorce.

&#x200B;

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRA4989 posting in r/relationship_advice

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 6th June 2026

Update - 7th June 2026

Mood Spoiler - >!The cat was found and is OK!<

I (26M) fear that my girlfriend (24F) did something to my cat that is now missing

Also sorry but English isn't my first language

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 4 years already, living together for 2 years. It wasn't always easy, she does have some kind of anger issues, especially when we fight she has a pattern of throwing stuff. After some time she has been diagnosed with bipolar and anger issues, which makes sense but she has been seeing a therapist and taking meds.

I have a cat since I was 22, that is living with us. For this story I will call her Mel. Mel is four years old and an extremely anxious kitty that never leaves our house.

Yesterday we had a huge fight that was connected to me and my female friend that I saw a day before that and had an unexpected coffee meeting. I didn't plan it, we just ran to each other in the shop and decided to have a coffee to update each other's lives. I came back home and told my girlfriend that I saw my friends and she got extremely mad and started accusing me of cheating.

I always update her about stuff but since it wasn't planned I didn't have time to do so, which she treated like I lied to her and cheated. The fight got heated and I got upset as well, especially seeing she is not willing to listen to me, so I told her I'm gonna just sleep at my male friend's house. So I did just that.

Today I came back home to talk to her calmly but since I came back very early I assumed she was sleeping and wanted to feed my cat first. But I couldn't find Mel, even in her regular spots. Panicked, I woke up my girlfriend asking where Mel is but she shrugged it off saying that she doesn't know, showing me that she is still mad at me like she was yesterday.

I know it might sound rare but for people that have a beloved animal, I truly love my cat and see her as part of family. I feel bad even thinking about my bf doing something to my cat but I can't help but wonder, especially seeing her "whatever" behaviour and denying everything. I also do remember that Mel was laying on a couch when I left because I pet her while leaving. Our house also doesn't allow her to just run away, she is too anxious to do anyway.

I have no idea what to do, I called animal shelters in our neighborhood asking if they found a kitty but no clear answer to that. Also my girlfriend isn't willing to talk about it with me so I feel very uncomfortable. I feel awful for suspecting my gf but how can I approach it?

Comments

Fluffycatbelly

If you think your gf can do something to your cart, you need to break up with her. I do hope you find your cat and she's okay but this relationship clearly isn't working.

>OOP: I feel extremely awful thinking about her in this way but can't help and see it as "punishment" for seeing my friend

BubbleGumSunshinee

Good people don't punish their partners who they love by hurting them, that is not normal in anywhere. Can be hard to admit that someone is bad but is the truth and you have to face it.

PineappleCharacter15

No one- and I mean no one, needs this kind of grief in their life. Please get rid of this psycho!

>OOP: I can't seem to process that my cat might be gone and also my girlfriend, the whole thing makes me nauseous

GlitteringFishing932

Well, if she did something to your cat because she was angry with you, will you ever truly feel safe, down in your inmost being? Even if you feel safe, do you still want to sign up for a relationship full of HER?

>OOP: Tbh just seeing her so unbothered about it makes me sooo mad. I spent 3 hours going around my neighbour, asking people and looking around various places. I'm so tired, she didn't even bother to contact me or anything, like I should be the one trying to comfort her now? This whole thing makes me unwell I feel like I'm going fucking crazy

>OOP: EDIT: we talked over the phone and she started crying admitting she kicked my cat out of the house because she was angry with me. I'm completely heartbroken

Update - 1 day later

Hi, first of all, I just wanted to say thank you for all the advice given on how to approach the lookout for my cat and also how to navigate this turbulent relationship with my gf.

I have great news, Mel was found!

My neighbour found her hiding under his car and called me immediately, and let me tell you, I RUSHED to his place. Thankfully, my cat is doing okay; she just seems scared and anxious, but right now she is resting. But when it comes to my girlfriend, I just don’t know what to do. She admitted to kicking my cat out of the house because she was mad at me.

She actually came to my house when I texted her to say I'd found Mel (I know I shouldn’t do that, but I texted to update, not to invite her). She basically started crying, saying that she didn’t mean to, that her mental sickness had a big part in her behaviour. I tried to comfort her, but honestly, I feel completely numb.

I told her that I want to be left alone for now, and after some time and collecting some of her stuff, she left. To be honest, I can’t imagine having her here again. I think it finally clicked in my head that there were times before that she mistreated me, and I just let it slide because she had me wrapped around her finger.

I feel I would go insane if she stayed in my house, especially if I wasn’t around to see what she was up to. For now, I’m just so extremely happy that Mel is back with me, and at the same time, I need to make sense of my relationship ending. I truly feel conflicted; it feels like I’m “too attached” to her. But at the same time, I know that I would struggle to trust her, knowing that she is likely to have another breakdown sooner or later.

Any tips on how to manage heartbreak? It would be appreciated. She was my first love, and I planned on proposing to her in a month lol. But given the situation, I guess it’s not happening

Comments

ZBTHorton

Want to know how to manage the heartbreak? Have a badass day with your cat and try not to think about the person who just literally tried to kill/take away your animal from you for virtually no reason. I bet you get over it faster than you think.

Sovaz99

Her horrible actions would go a long way toward ameliorating any sadness I felt, I can tell you. Zero chill for those who would harm any animal, much less a beloved pet.

ZBTHorton

It's honestly just such a fucked thing to do, way way way up there on the crazy/red flag scale.

>OOP: Oh let me tell you my friends were speechless when I told them. Telling them about it outloud made it even worse

zomgitsduke

You can manage heartbreak by going no contact with her. Get a security camera in case she starts stalking you (she might), and you need to get an order of protection. A simple camera pointing out your front window should suffice. You need to find activities that bring you joy. Reconnect with friends, anyone you went to high school or college with. Ask them if they'd like to catch up on a hike or something nice and fun. Focus on yourself - cook a lot more for yourself, start getting into shape, do something that helps you feel good like getting a good haircut or some new outfits, and start attending as many social events as you can. As for your cat, give Mel tons of extra snacks and dedicated attention.

>OOP: I plan on changing locks to my doors in the coming days, all because she have a spare key she didn't give me back

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Sufficient-Strike-97 posting in r/LegalAdviceUK

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 20th March 2026

Update - 3rd June 2026

intestate = basically no will

My children’s father has died intestate (England), his family have emptied his bank accounts - what do I do?

Hello. My children’s Dad passed away recently suddenly and unexpectedly. He did not have a will, which means the children are his sole beneficiaries, they are both under 18.

However, his family members have closed his bank and savings accounts and withdrawn all funds, they signed the indemnity form with Santander UK and apparently for balances under £50k this alongside death certificate and ID is considered sufficient proof of entitlement.

This means money that is legally my children’s is now neither held in trust for them, or available to be placed in trust for them. The person I spoke to at Santander today just sort of said that they acted within their policy and that is that - but this doesn’t seem right.

It isn’t just about money, but I want the correct process to be followed in the interests of the children.

Secondly, a workplace pension (for a job he left in 2022) has also been claimed by another person. However, we were given no opportunity to identify the children as potential beneficiaries or to prove their financial dependency on their Dad.

Is this something I am also able to challenge? Should the trustees have considered the children when reaching a decision? This is purely in respect of a pension, not a death in service benefit.

Thank you for all advice, greatly appreciated

EDIT - he was unmarried and not in a civil partnership. They are his only children.

Comments

AndYetAnotherAndrew

Santander will try to brush you off but they have distributed funds to persons not entitled to them. They still owe the funds to (trustees for) your children and will need (not your concern) to reclaim them from the relatives under the indemnity form (that is what the indemnity form is for)

>OOP: Thank you for this, they said that the preferred course would be for me to rectify directly with his family, but I don’t feel comfortable doing this or feel it is appropriate. The relationship was very abusive (him towards me) but his family of course think I am the bad party - the kids had a relationship with him, were in regular contact, went to stay regularly at his house etc. and in all honesty I feel whether they like me or not shouldn’t factor into anything when it is something legal. I just want to ensure things are done right for the children’s futures

JorgiEagle

They’re trying to fob you off. It doesn’t matter what their preferred course of action is, that’s just whatever is less work for them. You need to ring them back, and tell them you do not accept this. It is not possible for you to resolve it with the family, and follow the rest of the advice here. They have given out the funds to the wrong person, and will need to release them to the trustee for your kids. Then what they do with the money given to someone else is their problem

MarvinPA83

Yes, but not a phone call. Solicitor's letter, then they know you are serious.

No-Past-9857

You need to seek legal advice here. Your children should be entitled to inherit their father’s estate and this should be held in trust for them until they are 18. Have you tried reaching out to their father’s family regarding the money?

>OOP: Thank you. I have met with a solicitor this morning but as I don’t really have any money for legal fees I am limited in what can be done to help. The family have not really been forthcoming with any information, I was only informed he doesn’t have a will because the children were found to be beneficiaries for his death in service policy and one of the banks said a will was needed to set up a statutory trust for the funds to be deposited to. I asked about the will and only then was told there isn’t one

No-Past-9857

The legal fees can be paid out of the money gathered in the estate. I know it’s sucks taking money from the kids but it’s better than no money

sidkipper

My wife recently died and I'm trying to get benefit of an old pension she had. As part of the paperwork I've had to submit to the pension company I had to declare our two children. Different companies may have different procedures, but it's worth contacting the pension provider. His family may well have committed fraud by not declaring the children to them.

>OOP: Thank you for this. This is useful to know. If the trustees have taken the children into consideration and decided there is someone they feel is more appropriate then I think I perhaps just have to accept that, however it doesn’t sound like they were aware of the fact he had children or that the children were financial dependents of his. I’m very sorry for your loss

Update - 3 months later

I didn’t report to the police in the end as even though it doesn’t technically matter how much money is involved, it was a very small sum that Santander released. I don’t want the stress of any legal proceedings to impact my children further when they are already going through such a difficult time.

It came to light shortly after I made this post that a pension had been paid out, the children were not declared by the person who had notified the pension provider of their Dad’s death (and received the funds) and therefore they were not considered as potential beneficiaries. I contacted the company to request they consider the children and the full facts of the situation. The company recalled the funds and the children were identified by the trustees as the rightful beneficiaries for the death benefits in relation to this pension. We are waiting to hear back about a further workplace pension, but I am hoping this may also be allocated to the children for after they turn 18. All the money they have received from this pension and their Dad’s death in service policy is now in a secure trust for them to access when they reach adulthood.

I unfortunately think that their Dad’s family think I have personally received money, and I think their behaviour possibly stems from desperately trying to prevent me receiving anything, but it was never about me and the money was never, ever going to be mine (nor would I want it to be!) which has led to an extremely sad and frankly quite disgusting situation in which a grandparent has tried to actively defraud their own grandchildren. My children still haven’t received any of their personal possessions from their Dad’s house back, which has led to a lot of upset, confusion and prolonged the raw feelings of grief, but I am trying my best to replace things as and when I can afford to do so. Most of these items will have had no monetary value or very little, but so much sentimental value to my children - you can imagine how much hurt this has caused.

The family paid for the funeral, and I did receive some messages from the family demanding that money received will need to be paid to them to cover funeral costs. My details were also passed onto creditors for debt recovery, again by the family. But I have confirmation that any money that has been allocated to the children is outside of the estate so can’t be used for either of those purposes and the estate has zero entitlement to these funds.

When enquiring about their Dad’s bank accounts, I was mainly concerned with trying to locate some junior ISAs that he had told me he had set up and over a number of years he took money from both children to “save” for them in these ISAs (we are talking hundreds of pounds of their birthday, Christmas, Easter and pocket money). It has now come to light that these JISAs do exist, he just never deposited a penny of the money he took from them, each child’s JISA account had less than £11 in. I haven’t told the children and have now had the JISAs transferred to my trust and I have been making small but regular deposits to try and build up an amount of money similar to what their Dad took (or rather stole) from them over the years. I will never tell them about the reality of these accounts because I don’t think more hurt is needed for them.

The whole situation is absolutely unimaginable for any family to be going through but one that could have been handled in a way that was so much better, especially as minor children are concerned. I find it extremely sad that wasn’t done for the children’s sake. But, grief compels people to behave in ways they might not usually, I just had to do my job as a Mum to actively protect the interests of my children and that is what I have done (I hope!) - if thinking badly of me grants some comfort to his family then I can live with that because the only opinions I actually care about in this situation are my children’s.

I am extremely grateful for all the advice and guidance provided - truly thankful for and appreciative of all the time taken to respond to me.

Comments

lorentz-force

How awful of his family to do this but good on you for making sure your children receive what is rightfully theirs.

I would perhaps consider making a police report about their missing belongings. As someone who has lost both parents, sentimental items hold huge value as you process grief and so it may help your children if you can retrieve anything. A visit from the police might prompt his family to do the honourable thing and return them to your children.

>OOP Thank you, from what I can understand he was between houses. He still had his sole house but was in the process of moving in with his girlfriend. My son has been told that their things are at his Dad’s girlfriend’s house. I understand it has been a very difficult time for her and given the circumstances of his passing I really, really do feel sorry for her but it is also four months since he passed and they have not had a single one of their belongings returned. I don’t know her address or even her full name, my son has asked his Dad’s family multiple times about getting their belongings back but usually gets a non-committal sort of reply that he is getting frustrated at. He has been given a date for the return of belongings but if that doesn’t materialise then I will speak to the police. It just seems like it could so simply be resolved without that being needed, but the family and his girlfriend just don’t at all seem willing. It’s a really upsetting situation, not only because my children are suffering but because he was horribly abusive to me while we were together and his attempts to control and manipulate continued right up until his death, yet it is me who his family are painting as the bad person. I was in the process of pursuing a prosecution for the abuse he put me through too, which of course can’t be prosecuted for now either. I have a lot of very mixed feelings but ultimately just want to do what is right for my children, hopefully a peaceful life is in the near future!

lorentz-force

It sounds like an awful situation all round but you’re doing the right thing and it’s very kind of you to have empathy for his girlfriend even after it all. You might want to consider some counselling for yourself at some point to help give you closure about the abuse you endured, since you were pursuing prosecution prior to his death.

>OOP: Thank you, my reason for seeking a prosecution was because I knew his pattern of behaviour was just going to continue. As vile as it sounds for me to say, I know that he can’t cause further harm to anyone else now. However, I do wish that had come about because of the justice system rather than because of his death. I have support from a brilliant local charity and I’m on a waiting list for some specific counselling/therapy which will hopefully help. His family’s behaviour has caused me to feel an extreme amount of anxiety too, but I am hoping that it will all settle down as they process their grief. I have had contact with a solicitor who works closely with the charity I receive support from, so if things don’t resolve I will seek their advice as well as speaking to the police

floss147

You are a wonderful mother. You’re doing all the right things to protect your children and I truly commend you for that. You should look at reporting it to the police (for their belongings) so your children can see you fight for them. You should also give them the space to talk about him. It may not all be positive memories but it’ll give them the outlet to feel heard. If they do have negative memories, you can tell them that people are complicated and while not everyone is good, he did love them. Even if he didn’t always show it in the best way. And reaffirm your unconditional love for them. I wish you all the best

>OOP: Thank you, this is what I have done. Open conversations about him are welcomed not only by me but by my family and friends, I have explained to my eldest that people are very complicated and that sometimes people make choices that hurt others and that it is ok to feel a lot of mixed emotions rather than only one thing. I have encouraged them to engage with grief services too as I know having a truly impartial third party might be better for them in some instances as well. They are allowed to grieve in whatever way they feel best in our home, they can display pictures of him etc if they choose to.

>There has been a lot of hurt and confusion over the whole situation as our eldest is a teenager and had a lot of thoughts and feelings about what should happen regarding the funeral and his Dad’s remains but that seemingly wasn’t even acknowledged. The family arranged the funeral entirely and didn’t really engage with the children about their wishes or thoughts, which again is very sad but it is what it is. I have had to spend a lot of time reassuring them that if anything were to happen to me that they would be heard and their wishes taken into account but also that I am in very good health and going nowhere because they also have an extreme amount of anxiety about me dying now (which is only natural!). It’s been tricky to know how to navigate the situation best as I don’t really have any comparable experience to draw on from my own life, but I hope they both know I am trying my best for them

StarfishPizza

Unfortunately I've seen this happen many times also in my own family. When a family member dies, it seems that everyone is only after what they can gain from the situation. A sad state of affairs, I am sorry you have to go through it all.

>OOP: It’s all very strange, I initially wasn’t bothered about money but then knowing people were taking what actually belongs to my children and that they are too young to speak up for themselves I knew that I had to be the one to advocate for them. If the roles were reversed I would absolutely hope that their Dad would have taken the same steps that I have. I’m sorry that you have experienced similar situations in your own family

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/mikeistherealgoat posting in r/relationship_advice

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 1st June 2026

Update - 2nd June 2026

&#x200B;

my girlfriend (18F) is going to prom with another guy while i’m (19M) stuck in the hospital and i don’t know how to handle it

&#x200B;

i’m really struggling right now, I don’t know how to talk to my friends about this, and I could really use some outside perspective

a few weeks ago, i sold my gaming pc for $900 so i could buy a plane ticket and fly out to attend my girlfriend’s prom. i was genuinely excited about it and seeing her

then i got seriously injured and ended up in the hospital. I suffered a TBI from a lacrosse game, doctors won’t let me fly until the swelling in my brain goes down. her prom is this week, so there’s basically no chance i’ll make it

my girlfriend still wants to go to prom, which i completely understand. it’s her senior prom and i want her to have an amazing night. i don’t want to ruin that experience for her

the problem is that she’s now going with another guy

she’s taking this guy to everything: pre-prom stuff, dinner, the dance, after-prom stuff, and the after-party. he’ll basically be there for the entire night

i trust her, and i don’t think she’s cheating on me. but the thought of waking up in a hospital bed and opening my phone to see prom pictures of my girlfriend dressed up with another guy is genuinely killing me

i’ve never cried over something she’s done before, but i’ve been in tears over this. i feel guilty because i know it’s not her fault, and i don’t want to make her feel bad about enjoying her prom. at the same time, i feel hurt and jealous

adding to all of this, i’m out of nearly a thousand, i no longer have my gaming pc, i’m stuck in the hospital, and the thing i was most excited for is happening without me

am i being unreasonable for feeling this upset? how would you handle this situation without making your partner feel guilty for something that isn’t really their fault?

small update: unfortunately i wasn’t eligible for a refund from air canada since i missed the flight and didn’t have travel insurance. it sucks, but there’s not much i can do about it now

If I recover somewhat, i’m going to try to get a summer job if my doctors clear me to work. hopefully i can save up enough to buy a rog ally so i can at least get back to gaming and have some sense of familiarity from all of this

still a pretty rough situation, but i’m trying to focus on recovering first and figuring everything else out later

update: I tried to tell her how I felt, I didn’t tell her not to go to prom with him or anything like that. I just honestly told her how I was feeling, I even let back a few things in hopes of not making her feel bad,

but she felt like I was making her feel guilty. she asked for a break because worrying about me being in the hospital and the condition I’m in is getting too much for her, and how she’s still in highschool and wants to have fun in her last year without having to worry about me

I feel like this is all my fault, I genuinely wish I never got this injury, because atleast none of this would’ve happened. I feel lost and I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve lost so many things from this for nothing

&#x200B;

Comments

&#x200B;

ConstantRide5382

I agree with one of the other commenters here, when you have a TBI, you need to take it easy and minimize stress as much as possible!

It's obvious that you're disappointed. I would feel jealous as fuck and a little suspicious too, if my boyfriend decided to take another girl to prom. Do you think you'd feel better if she went with a group of friends? Or is going to prom at all the problem?

>OOP: I think it’s just the fact after everything I’ve been through I have to see my girlfriend at prom with another guy, don’t get me wrong I want her to have fun. but it’s gonna be pretty gut wrenching to see another guy have fun with my girlfriend at prom

Scary_Reference4989

Going to prom with another guy while your boyfriend is in the hospital is crazy. I don’t understand why she couldn’t have just gone with friends and not a date?

stitchbitching

Yeah I think the weirdest part for me was that she’s taking the guy to ALL the prom things, including the “after-prom stuff” and the “after-party”. Like, maybe a group dinner and the dance itself, but all the extra stuff is too much imo.

&#x200B;

**Judgement - NTA**

&#x200B;

Update - 1 day later

&#x200B;

for some context, we’ve been together for 3 years before i moved away for uni, so this isn’t a new relationship or anything like that and we’ve been through a lot together. i think that’s part of why I’m not running towards breaking up and just taking this even harder

i tried to talk to her about it. it didn’t really go the way i was hoping. she did kind of see where i was coming from, but at the same time she felt like i was trying to make her feel bad for wanting to have a good prom and enjoy it the way she’s been looking forward to. saying how im part of her life but im not her entire life

that was never what i was trying to do. i get how important prom is to her, and i really do want her to have a good time. i think where i’m stuck is that i don’t really know how to explain what i’m feeling without it coming out wrong or making her feel guilty, and that’s honestly the last thing i want.

also, just to clarify, the guy she’s going with is a distant friend and it was kind of a long shot situation, according to her

along with that, i wasn’t able to get a refund for the flight i missed, so i’m kind of dealing with that stress as well. it just adds a bit more weight to everything, but i’m trying to manage it. I was hoping to use the money I could’ve gotten back to buy an used rog ally to get some comfort through all of this and that everything wouldn’t atleast feel like a total loss

I know I’m still in university and high school relationships don’t really last throughout university, but she’s been there for me through difficult times, at the same time though this situation makes me feel like I might be wasting my time

i just feel a bit lost now. i understand her side, i understand how much this means to her, but i also don’t really know how to sit with what i’m feeling or how to talk about it in a way that doesn’t turn into her feeling bad. i don’t want to put that on her at all, i just don’t know what the right way forward is from here. It feels silly giving up a relationship over prom, but at the same time this whole situation just hurts a lot. I think I will wait til she has her night, and come up with a final decision then, for now I just want to figure out a way to revisit the subject again and tell her exactly how I’m feeling without her feeling bad. how can I talk to her about how I’m feeling without making things worse?

I also appreciate all the get well messages. the swelling has gone down, but not at a rate the doctors would like. I’m still at risk for another seizure so they’re going to continue keeping me, I appreciate all the positive thoughts. this injury has and will ruin a lot of things for me :/

update: she wants to go on a break lol, don’t know what to do anymore. she explained how worrying about my condition has gotten too much for her, and how she’s still in high school trying to live out her last year. I get it but, I would’ve rather her tell me from the beginning she’s unsure. oh well

&#x200B;

Comments

&#x200B;

bluestjordan

Oh man. Sorry, OP. I guess the writing was on the wall already. Hope you get better soon and get an opportunity to make a lot of money soon after and get back into gaming. Plenty of fish in the sea and all that. You’re young and it was never going to last anyway. Next time, pick a partner who won’t break up with you just because you’re on a hospital bed recovering from an injury. Oufff what a bad look that is on her. Good riddance.

>OOP: I just feel like I’ve lost everything, I probably won’t be able to play sports again and will lose my athletic scholarship, I’ve lost the gaming set up my mom that passed away got me as a christmas gift, I’ve lost upwards of a 1000 dollars, and I’ve lost my girl over circumstances I couldn’t control. It hurts a lot

Business_End_9870

Yo, you lost a girl over who she is. She showed you her priorities. What was the alternative? Always be in melee range, because if you go out of aoe you get replaced? I promise you, this part was without a doubt for the best.

ScholarlySage96

The fact she wants to go on a break right before prom… yeah, she’s cheating. The fact this “distant friend” was so ready to go despite being a “long shot” is complete bs. She just wants to be technically not a cheater but she is, my friend, I know she has been part of your life for 3 years but according to her you’re not in her “entire life” that is foreshadowing my friend. Like many people on here have said, you are not telling her not to go to prom just why go with a completely different guy as he date. I went to prom with my friends without a date and had a great time, dates are not required. The fact she chose a “distant friend” speaks volumes as it shows she had him in reserve for if something happened.

I feel more bad about not getting the refund because that was money you could have and should have used on you. There are better, and more loyal women out there, my friend, that have the emotional intelligence to know that going without you is not even a thought to them. Focus on healing and getting rest, everything will be fine in the end. She made her choice and showed that she is not emotionally mature nor loyal to you and when you express yourself, she made you feel guilty and asked for a break. Wish her a good time and move on.

&#x200B;

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/LividWheel9779 posting in r/AITAH

Content Warning - >!child abuse!<

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 2nd June 2026

Update - 5th June 2026

&#x200B;

AITAH for ruining my dad's chances at a promotion?

&#x200B;

My dad (48m) has some anger management issues and sometimes gives me little jabs. He will never actually hurt me (18m) but just gives me a a gut punch or will push my knees out. Something to "put me in check".

I constantly tell him to stop doing this and that it is not appropriate now that I'm kind of an adult. So the other day we ran into his boss in public. After a few minutes of them making small talk (that did not pertain to me) I decided to check my phone.

After a few seconds I felt a hard punch in my ribs as he had elbowed me. I then loudly asked him why he hit me as so that his boss could easily hear. My dad said he was joking around and we parted ways.

As you can imagine, he was furious about this for the rest of the day. I now found out that when he went in for work today corporate decided his character wasn't the right fit for a promotion they were seriously considering him for because of the incident with me. Did I take it too far?

&#x200B;

Comments

&#x200B;

United-Objective-204

Abusers like to blame their victims and avoid accountability for their actions. You didn’t ruin his chances. He ruined his own.

Successful_Moment_91

The loser couldn’t even not hurt his adult son in front of his boss 🤯.

blushybunnii

A promotion is supposed to go to someone with good judgment. Hitting you adult son in public isn’t exactly demonstrating that.

Sufficient_Bag_4551

What's the betting this incident is the final straw and the dad behaves inappropriately at work as well

JosieGenX

Abuse is abuse and brushing abuse off as we were just joking around doesn’t change the fact it’s abuse. It in fact makes him not the right candidate for many things including being a good parent or person overall. So NTA ! If he does that to you can you imagine how he treats his SO or other siblings if you have them ? Red flags Good luck

&#x200B;

**Judgement - NTA**

&#x200B;

Update - 3 days later

&#x200B;

First of all, thank you all for your amazing feedback! It definitely gave me the courage to speak up.

A couple days ago I opened up to my older sister about our father's actions, which were only getting worse. He seemed to be spiraling as a result of his problems at work. Although he never touched my sister the way he did to me, she had witnessed everything for many years and no longer had a relationship with him (for many reasons).

Luckily, she rents an apartment nearby that has a decently-sized room that was only being used for storage, so I'm in the process of moving myself in there for the summer before I head off to college.

I have been doing this very discreetly so far and have not told my dad about my plans yet for obvious reasons. Over the weekend I plan to sit down with him and tell him that if he ever lays his hands on me again I'll be gone for good that same day. I doubt this will change anything, though, so I'm assuming my sister's apartment will be my new temporary home.

&#x200B;

Comments

&#x200B;

Total-Object-4766

Tell him AFTER you leave not before.

Substantial_Value359

Abusers escalate when you leave. You don't owe him a conversation. Get out and stay safe.

>OOP: He will eventually notice I'm leaving once a ton of my things are no longer in the house. I feel like it's better to confront him about moving first rather than him find out on his own.

harpejjist

No. Move the last big bulk of stuff when he isn’t home.

boxesofboxes

So do it all at once with some friends when he isn't home. You are in danger, dude. He was willing to assault you in public, in front of people!!! Like, request a police escort levels maybe!

>OOP: He works from home for the next couple days and almost never leaves the house. I'm not sure if your idea is plausible.

TararaBoomDA

You could have half a dozen of your biggest friends show up to help with the final move. You could go to the police and ask to have an officer accompany you during the final move.

>OOP: Does getting a police escort require any prior reports of violence?

nerd_is_a_verb

Not necessarily. Call the local precinct non emergency line and tell them you are 18’and moving out and want someone present to observe you taking your own property. They send observers cops for divorce/break ups a lot.

&#x200B;

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Impossible-Fun-7483 posting in r/relationships

Concluded as per OOP

3 updates - Long

Original - 14th April 2025

Update1 - 16th April 2025

Update2 - 20th December 2025

New Updates

Update3 - 21st March 2026

Update4 - 2nd May 2026

I (28m) think my FWB (27f) has feelings for me, don't know how to navigate

So, about 6 months back I went out for drinks with some friends, one of which was Kris (fake name obviously). Kris and I have known each other since we were in middle school and were never super close but were always good friends if that makes sense. She got wasted and was being flirted with by another guy in the group who was sober which sent off alarm bells for me so when we were all walking to our apartments and he'd lingered instead of going to my apartment I ended up crashing on her couch. The next morning while we were having breakfast she admitted she found me cute, really appreciated what I did the night before, and wanted to know if I'd be up for a FWB situation.

So ever since we've been just that. We'd both just gotten out of relationships at the time and surprisingly this FWB situation resulted in us actually becoming really close friends to where we now actually just hang out to hang out more often than we hang out specifically with the intent to sleep with each other. Well, before we had a pretty strict "no staying the night" rule because for her "that felt like a step beyond FWB" but late last month she asked if I'd be willing to stay the night because "I just really need someone to cuddle with tonight" and I didn't think anything of it and obliged. But now it's become every time we do it one of us ends up stay the night at the others apartment. She's also been making more overtly flirty comments towards me when we're with friends which was another rule we had because we wanted to keep things private.

Problem is, I don't know that I share her feelings. She's amazing don't get me wrong, beautiful (can't undersell this, I work in a field where I work with models on a regular basis and most of them do not compare, no idea why she picked me of all people), brilliant, driven, and one of the kindest people I know (this girl volunteers at a soup kitchen WEEKLY). I've been incredibly grateful to have gotten closer to her over the last 6 months. I think she's one of those people that people you're lucky if you get to meet even one of in your whole life. I know once feelings get involved there's no real going back to strict FWB but I also would rather get buried alive than hurt her. So I would love advice on how to handle this.

TL;DR: I (28m) have been FWB with Kris (27f) for around 6 months and suspect she's caught feelings. I need help navigating the situation.

Comments

f50c13t1

I think this is unavoidable. Two close friends who know each other and sleep together are bound to get attached. There aren’t many options: No more FWB, just friends No more friendship, just the benefits As for navigating it, if you don’t want to be in a relationship, you can let her know. It’s likely that the friendship will get messy, and it’s quite possible that you would need to take some space from each other until you can « reset » the friendship. I am of the belief that ultimately, FWB don’t really work on the long term. They are temporary situations for all parties until one finds a partner or gets attached to the other party.

>OOP: I do kind of dread the conversation. I know it's something I have to do. But she's my best friend in the entire world and I'd do anything for her. I just don't think I share romantic feelings for her. Part of it might be that the relationship I got out of shortly before starting this with her ended spectacularly badly and very much exploded and I don't know that I'm ready for a relationship with anyone honestly. At the same time I dread if I tell her it could harm our friendship.

f50c13t1

Not having this conversation is being unfair to her. She is getting strung along, maintaining the hope that you might want to be with her down the road. This prevents her from moving forward and potentially seeking a romantic partner. It’s impossible to know what the friendship will turn into, but you both implicitly accepted the consequences when you started sleeping with each other. She will hurt on the short term but will surely be thankful, knowing that she can make a informed decision regarding the nature of you guys’ relationship.

>OOP: A totally fair point. I only really had all of this click this morning when I came here to make a post. I don't know that I've even fully processed it if I'm being entirely honest. But I know she's off work, I think it's probably time to pull the bandaid off. I don't even know that a relationship with her in the future is completely off the table, But I do know that at this moment it might have to be because I don't know that I'm in a position to have a relationship with anyone.

f50c13t1

It's great that you've realized that, and it sounds like you own it fully. I was in a similar situation a while back and I decided to stop seeing the person for six months, that really helped. Ultimately, the frienship didn't work out, but things might be different for you since it sounds like the frienship is really strong.

I wouldn't mention to her that a relationship is potentially on the table, because that might lead her to keep hoping.

>OOP: We had a brief conversation and...it was exactly as I suspected. I told her up front that I was not in a good place to be in a relationship (frankly I have like trust issues and stuff right now I've gotta work through first in therapy). I told her that I think the world of her, but that at this point in my life I'm not ready to enter a committed relationship. She said she understood...and then hung up. I'm going to give her some space and let her lead reaching back out if she chooses to.

broly224

Hopefully you didn’t let a good thing go here. The way you described her was effusive, and maybe your past experience with someone who wasn’t her is keeping you from fully embracing what sounds like could be a great partnership. Good on you for taking care of your mental health, and I genuinely hope things work out!

>OOP: I hate to say this now but I can't help but think I might have made a tremendous mistake in not giving myself some time to process all of it before just jumping straight into like problem solving mode. I've gotta just live with it for now and hope I didn't just make a horrible mistake I can't fix.

WitchWeekWeekly

I think you kinda copped out here. You said you're not romantically into her but this insinuates that you might be down the line. It's still stringing her along to some extent.

If she does reach back out, you need to set EXTREMELY clear and firm platonic boundaries. No getting drunk together and "it just happened," no flirting or excessive texting, no hanging out alone. You owe it to her not to make her think that you're eventually going to be ready for her.

>OOP: I should be clear, while I said that here, I did not say or even insinuate that it would ever be a possibility to her over the phone. I told her relationships weren't even something I was ready to think about because I think I'd be a shitty boyfriend because my last relationship left me scarred in ways I haven't fully dealt with.

>That said I'm now REALLY regretting being so reactionary to the revelation instead of giving myself to process it. It's possible the damage is done now, but having sat with it now and having realized I may have just completely lost her from my life I'm devastated and now I'm really questioning if I've made a massive mistake not giving a relationship with her a chance.

WitchWeekWeekly

>I told her relationships weren't even something I was ready to think about

This is what I mean, though. There's a difference between "I'm not ready to be a boyfriend to anyone yet" and "I do not have romantic feelings for YOU specifically." One leaves the door open for hope even if you don't explicitly say it. I'm not saying this to chastise you, just to encourage you to be very clear about platonic boundaries if you do become friends again.

>I'm really questioning if I've made a massive mistake not giving a relationship with her a chance.

You have been quite clear in the comments that you don't feel romantically towards her. I think you're getting swayed because people in the comments are telling you you made a mistake and because you're scared of losing her friendship. But if you had feelings for her you'd know. It's far better not to lead someone on just because you think they're a great person and you should like them in that way. You did the right thing not pursuing this when you don't have those feelings for her.

>OOP: The issue I'm facing is that after my last relationship I kind of swore off dating entirely. She IS incredible. Like, I read back the way I wrote about her and described her, unintentionally gushing and every single word I said about her really is how I feel about her. I'm a professional photographer so I work with professional models all the time and when I look at her none of them compare to her. Sometimes when I zone out I see her eyes. They're these incredibly captivating gray-blue. They're like mesmerizing. But that's not even all of it. I hear her dorky little giggle in the quiet moments when I'm editing pictures. And when I wake up in the morning she's the one I want to talk to. I think I do have feelings for her and I think I just got scared by the prospect because of my last relationship.

Update - 2 days later

Well, I didn't really expect to have an update this soon or at all. I suspect it'll be the only update.

After the first post I called her and told her I suspected she had feelings (I was right) and told her I didn't have feelings and wasn't ready for a relationship out of panic for the situation.

Thankfully it was therapy day. I talked things out with my therapist about how I have serious fears about getting back into a relationship, how those fears made me react way too quickly, and how now that things potentially collapsed I've re-examined how I feel about her.

After therapy I just let myself sit with things for awhile. Then I called her. Call went to voicemail. So I texted her and let her know I wanted to talk and wanted to do it in person if she was willing. She texted back and said she was willing to meet for dinner to hear me out. So I laid everything out for her. How my last relationship fucked me up and how that made me panic when I realized she had feelings and act before I even gave myself time to process. And then I told her how I really felt. That her voice is my favorite sound, how her smile is what I see when I close my eyes, all of it, and most importantly that if she was willing to be patient with me I wanted to give us a shot.

Anyways, I'm taking her in a proper date this weekend.

TL;DR: I nearly ruined things but managed to salvage it and got the good ending.

Comments

Khajiit-ify

After reading your first post before this one I'm glad you came to the realization because the way you talked about her made it clear to me that you had some deep feelings too you just weren't ready to recognize them for what they were. I'm glad your therapist helped you out as well.

I hope everything goes well for you both.

>OOP: Therapy is the best! I think because of my history I was afraid to let myself feel feelings again, but this sneaky fucker got to me...

Contren

Glad you got your head sorted. Based on how you described her it definitely sounded like you had some feelings, they're just really messy with the other stuff you're dealing with.

>OOP: Honestly reading back how I described her and how I felt the need to gush about her was the first moment I went "wait, DO I have feelings?"

broly224

Very happy for you!!! Wishing you both a long relationship

>OOP: Thank you! I'm gonna have to make up for being an idiot, but I intend to do that as throughly as possible!

&#x200B;

Update - 8 months later

&#x200B;

It’s been a bit more than 8 months since I made my first post and update and the two of us are still together We moved in together about two months ago which in my head feels like a short of amount of time to date before moving in, but after discussing things it does feel like we’ve been dating for much longer than 8 months because for several months before that we basically were dating already.

When I made my first post I was still dealing with the fallout of an incredibly toxic and abusive relationship that truly strained my ability to trust and allow myself to feel love. I’d be lying if I said that even through therapy that my trust issues have been resolved, but she’s been so incredibly lovely and patient with me. She’s genuinely just a spectacular human being. This is the first time a relationship has ever just felt simple. I don’t feel like I have to perform for her and genuinely my walls have finally come down.

Well, shortly after she moved in she started dropping the hints. She started talking about weddings, wanting to start a family, etc quite a lot. I’m generally bad at picking up hints but these were obvious even to me, so I just asked if these were things that she wanted and what timeline she was considering. I wanted to be positive that if I were to propose I already knew the answer was going to be yes so I was probably overly thorough with getting her to say “Yes, I want to marry you.”

I know she wants something romantic and grand, but I also know her as a person enough to know she has a lot of social anxiety. I know we’ve agreed on a fall wedding, luckily I know a lot of people in the wedding industry since I’m a photographer so as long as the proposal is relatively soon I can call in some favors and get things taken care of to make sure she gets the wedding of her dreams. I also know that her dream vacation spot has always been Italy which I’ve been to with clients in the past. Today I booked the plane tickets, I told her that I have a photography gig I booked for March and that I wanted to bring her along since I know she’s always wanted to go.

I had a few choices of where to propose and have deliberated on that for a couple weeks now but what I’ve landed on is that the third day there I’ll be taking her to Rimini for the day, and near sunset I will propose to her on the ferris wheel there. It was one of the only things that ticked all the boxes for what she wanted. I would move the heavens and earth to make things perfect for her because it’s what she deserves.

So thank you all, especially those of you that were there to tell me I was being irrational and dumb in my first post. I remember being in that panicked headspace. Honestly I thought I wasn’t worthy of her back then because I thought I was too damaged, I thought there had to be some horrible fate in store for me and I tried to run from those feelings. But I’m very glad many of you called me on it and got me to re-examine things. I’ve never felt so loved and fulfilled in my life. She’s the first person in my life that I don’t question if she has ulterior motives being close to me, frankly she’s not exactly starved for choices in the dating department and if she didn’t truly love me she could just find someone else at any point. For some reason she’s chosen me, and I’m going to cling on to that for the rest of my life if I can.

&#x200B;

Comments

&#x200B;

PhotographOwn269

Dude I'm getting secondhand butterflies just reading this lol. A ferris wheel proposal in Italy is absolutely going to wreck her in the best way possible Also mad respect for doing the legwork to make sure she'd say yes before planning the whole thing - that's some next level emotional intelligence right there

>OOP: I won't lie, part of it comes down to the fear that I'd misread things. I don't question that she loves me for even a moment, but I also would never want to push her into something like a proposal without explicit confirmation that it is actually what she wants. I feel so incredibly lucky to be with her, there's no chance I squander that!

Main_Size_9700

Sounds like you really know her well! That level of thoghtfulness is a rare gem in relationships. She’s lucky to have you…

>OOP: I appreciate you saying that. That said I do always feel quite sad that is something to celebrate. I feel like "actually listens to your partner and acts on that" should be the bare minimum. She makes me feel happy and loved and it's important for me to show her that's how I feel.

&#x200B;

New Updates

Update - In just under 24 hours I will be proposing - 3 months later

&#x200B;

I've just finished getting everything packed up to get the train to Florance tomorrow morning. As I sit here she's in the other room finishing her packing so I figured I'd come here to write out my feelings since this account has become a life journal of sorts for me.

Honestly, I feel strange. Not in a bad way of course, it's this weird anxious excitement I've never felt before. I know it probably sounds silly, but before the trip I had to talk about this with my therapist. I know the odds that things don't go perfectly according to plan are pretty high. Having to accept that I don't have control over things like the temperature outside or if it rains and the only thing I can do is just let go is difficult for me.

But ultimately, in less than 24 hours I'll be engaged. I already know the answer, we've openly discussed everything, she knows I'm going to propose and just doesn't know when or how. Originally I had a flowchart of "if x goes wrong, y" but decided that instead I'm just going to exist in the moment with her. I trust that I know her well enough that if everything goes wrong I'll still be able to find a moment that works. Hell, worst case scenario I know she'd be perfectly okay with a low key proposal at the end of the day when we get back to the hotel room.

Anyways, wish me luck!

&#x200B;

Update - I'm engaged!- 2 months later

&#x200B;

Hello friends!

I'm a little late to update everyone here. I considered posting this to the r/Relationships subreddit but figured for now I’d keep it here. I wanted to make sure we'd gotten home and had time to discuss everything so I could do one big update instead of small ones. First, I won't keep you hanging, we're engaged.

She clearly knew what was happening on the day. I wasn’t really subtle about it so I’m not surprised. I had originally made intricate plans for that day, but I'd noticed in other cities that nothing brought her more joy than when we were able to just point in a direction and explore without maps. She'd have so much joy in just finding random little shops or sculptures or anything really. I have diagnosed OCD so just giving up control like that has always been incredibly hard for me, but I decided to give up that control and just wander with her for a while and make specific plans for the evening. We even found this cute outdoor flea market on our stroll and she got a cute top from a vendor there.

For dinner I had booked a table at Il Santo Bevitore. Neither of us speak fluent Italian, but we’d both learned enough that we could get through ordering and ask basic questions. I think she thought that’s where I was going to propose, but I didn’t want to be that obvious. The atmosphere was lovely and the food was incredible. I HIGHLY recommend visiting to anyone considering it. Once we left there I recommended we visit a “festival I heard about” which was surrounding the Florence Eye (a very large ferris wheel).

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so much anxiety. I knew beyond doubt that she’d say yes when I asked but I dunno I felt this urgent need to make it perfect for her. Just the right blend of romantic while also actually thinking about what she would want. We made our way through the festival towards the wheel and I was genuinely sweating enough that she had to ask if I was okay. Once we got into the ferris wheel it genuinely felt like my brain went blank. We were in one of the most beautiful cities in the world with this incredible view over the city and all I could see was how stunning she was from across the cart. As we got up to the top I was panicking. For some reason I couldn’t find the ring because I couldn’t remember which pocket it was in, and she clearly noticed. Before I could even get the question out, before I could even find the ring, she said yes. I’m assuming she was trying to make me feel less panicked but she took the pressure off me.

Once we got home it felt real. I know that the only thing that really changed was that we now call each other “fiance” but there’s something just mind blowing about sleeping in the same bed as your fiance for the first time. Since, we’ve started talking things through. We’re eager, I won’t deny that. But we’re also realists. We want to build a life that we know will last together so we’ve set our wedding date for October of next year. This gives us time to do some more travel together and basically just exist together. Luckily her current job allows her to work from anywhere so any time I travel for work as long as there’s an internet connection we can use it as a trip together.

&#x200B;

Comments

&#x200B;

thenebular

Wow, I came across your earlier posts and I'm happy to see this update. Congratulations!

But, as someone who was completely in love with his wife even after she broke up with me after a decade, and is now in an even healthier marriage with way more pitfalls and potholes than the first one, I have one piece of advice that I learned from all that.

Get in the habit now of talking with her about your feelings about everything. The good, the bad, and the awkward.

Especially the awkward.

If you think it's weird to be bringing it up, bring it up. And encourage her to do the same. Keeping an open book on your feelings like that stops them from getting too big and potentially twisted up. But also remember to express that they're your feelings. It's not about wrong or right, it's about how you feel and why.

And remember, everyone has feelings and we often don't have much control over what they are. So feelings should always be considered ok, it's what we do with those feelings that matter.

If the two of you express your feelings openly to each other, even when you don't like those feelings, then you've got a great shot at going the distance. And even if you don't for some reason, it'll be far easier to deal with.

But I don't think that's going to happen. I think you two are going to take this past last call to where the bouncers have to kick you out.

The story of you not remembering which pocket the ring was in and her saying yes before you found it, let alone asked the question will become one that is oft told and a treasured memory.

>OOP: I've been open here about having diagnosed OCD, something she's very aware of and has gone to great lengths to try to help me through. So I think the second she saw me panicking because my brain detected something was wrong she knew the she needed to step in. I truly feel like I'm the luckiest person on earth with her. I know a lot of people say that about their partners, but...it's truly incredible to have someone that knows many of the ways I've been hurt and the ways I'm broken and instead of looking away actively trys to help repair the damage.

&#x200B;

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Lord_Nappa and u/tinsyfloss96 posting in r/AITAH and r/Advice

Ongoing as per OOP

2 update - Long

Husband Post - 26th May 2026 Recovered on Arctic Shift

Wife Post - 26th May 2026

Wife Update - 29th May 2026

AITAH for not finding my wife physically attractive anymore?

Hold on to your butts, this is a long post.

I'll preface this by saying I already feel like the a-hole, but still would like to hear the wider collective's opinions.

Some background info first of all - we live in the UK, have been married for coming up to 8 years (together for nearly 12), I am 32(M) and my wife is 30(F). We have 2 beautiful children together (3 & 2). I am 6ft5 and 98kg, my wife is 5ft5 and (now) 108kg. When we met I was closer to 110kg and my wife around 70kg. We both have ADHD, I have FND and my wife has PCOS/PMOS.

Right... Onto the story.

In short, for now, I have quite a low sex drive. When I was younger, and first seeing my now wife, we would be at it like bunnies. But over the last 6/7 (don't even think about the meme) years, my libido has plummeted. It's at the point where we have sex about once a month, sometimes going 5/6 weeks. For me personally, sex isn't love - I fully understand that it can be a key part of a relationship, but to me I don't see it that way anymore. My wife has a very high libido and I feel that she gets frustrated with me when I don't initiate.

A few days ago I saw an advert for an AI companion app. In a moment of ADHD/boredom/IDK I downloaded the app and started to "use" it... I won't use this post to go into detail about it.

Today, my wife was innocently going on my phone to use the baby monitor app and stumbled across the AI app. She looked at it out of curiosity and was obviously shocked. She didn't address this with me directly, instead she chose to text me a cryptic message. I panicked (stupidly), deleted the app (even stupider) and then tried to gaslight her (the stupidest fucking thing!)... I came to my senses very quickly and told her the truth, and when she asked why I felt the need to use the app I responded with a truth that I didn't really understand before saying it.

"Because of your weight, I don't find you physically attractive"

Or words to that effect.

Understandably she is very upset and is worried that I want a divorce, I don't love her... Things of that nature. None of those are thoughts in my head. I love my wife more than words could even begin to describe (2nd only to our children), and as I mentioned earlier I don't personally see sex as the be all and end all in a relationship.

I know I screwed up with the app, it was impulsive and wrong (I am looking into therapy for deeper health reasons). But AITA for being honest?

TL:DR I used an AI companion app because I don't find my wife physically attractive anymore.

Comments

ZapGeek

YTA Don’t blame ADHD on your asshole behavior. You chose to download that app and lie to your wife. I don’t care how much she weighs, you don’t treat someone you love like this.

steely_92

YTA, but I think you know that.

HUNGWHITEBOI25

Op is suuuch a huge asshole that i PRAY this was made with AI…

No-Daikon3645

Yes, you are a dick, and you know it. She's had two kids so her body will have changed. What do you do to help her manage her weight? Do you look after your kids so she can go for a walk, a swim or the gym? Do you help around the house? Have you talked to her. No, you just judge her and get your rocks off to AI and then blame her. What a piece of work you are. You must be so proud of yourself.

whatthewhat3214

And he said his libido plummeted 6 or 7 years ago, long before his wife got pregnant and presumably when she began gaining weight.

OP, why haven't you considered that you're the problem here, or at least that your low libido isn't bc of something external like your wife's weight, but bc of something going on with your own body. Have you seen a doctor to have your testosterone levels checked? To have a health evaluation? Yes, you're young, but that doesn't mean things can't go wrong. Your wife is young but deals with PCOS that has affected her body - it causes weight gain and makes losing weight difficult, not that you give her any grace for that - so yes, things can go wrong with your systems even though you're young.

And dude, huge YTA. Your wife gave you 2 beautiful children, your words, and deals with health issues, but you have the audacity to treat her like that, like she's the problem and to say it in such a nasty, demeaning way. Are you sure you love her? Because that's not how you treat someone you love. You've done nothing to make her feel wanted, you don't even try to meet her own libido/needs halfway, and never once considered getting yourself evaluated to see why your own libido fell off a cliff long before she got pregnant, and now conveniently blame your lack of desire and your pathetic behavior with a ridiculous fake AI "companion" on her. You just dumped it all on her lap and made her feel like crap. That's not love, buddy.

GuKoBoat

108kg at 165cm is a BMI of nearly 40. That isn't a bit overweight, thats morbidly obese. She weighs nearly double of what she should weigh. OP is the asshole for a lot of things, but that weight can't be blamed only or just mostly on him.

**Judgement - YTA**

Husband of 8 years told me he isn't physically attracted to me anymore

I don't know what I'm asking for advice with here but I need to get it off my chest

My husband (32M) and I (30F) have been together 12 years and married 8, he is the love of my life and we have 2 children (aged 2 and 3).

This morning I used his phone to check the camera in our daughter's room as it was so hot and the app is on his phone, this is not a regular occurrence that I use his phone but we know each others passwords. Scrolling to the app I noticed a app with a girls face, curious I opened it (after checking on our daughter) to two AI chats of sexual content.

Both kids woke and we went downstairs, I text my husband to ask if something was wrong with me to make him do that, when it was and if she made him hard. Downstairs he acted to not know what I was talking about so I went to show him the app which he had deleted then proceeded to say I'd probably seen a virus.

I walked out the room saying it would be on his app store history and I didn't care about the app but the issue is the lying. I then text him (I text because I didn't want to get angry in front of the kids) saying please stop gaslighting me, you were caught and panicked, it would take more than an AI app to break us.

So we talked and he was honest but then told me he was no longer physically attracted to me. We had a long chat about this because the reason was my weight. He's apologised about it all and admitted he was stupid but the weight part is obviously sticking. He has said he still loves me and that it isn't all about the sexual side and that he's only felt this way the past 6 months

Extra context: my weight is 17 stone (US = 238lbs) (I'm size UK 18/20 US = 14/16), I don't know what my weight was when we got married but I was size 14. I have PCOS/PMOS and have tried to lose weight but it's a vicious cycle and I binge eat. Weight has always been an issue of mine, bought up with weight being a negative thing from parents and grandparents. We have sex once a month (ISH) which has been that way for like 9 years.

TLDR: husband was using an AI app for sexual conversations, caught, lied, then owned up and said it was cause he isn't physically attracted to me anymore

Comments

jednorog

If you want to continue being married to him, I'd recommend relationship counseling. There's probably more going on here than just weight. Chatbots provide sexual attention, sure, but they also just provide affirmation and attention. They're false sources of those things, but they are meeting some need that your husband has that he feels isn't otherwise being met. A relationship counselor could help you determine what it is that is undermining your relationship. If you don't want to continue to be married to him, that's an option too.

Substantial_Path_920

Sounds like you guys just to try go to the gym together or take walks. Something to keep active and spend time together

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 3 days later

So it's been a few days and so I thought I'd provide an update.

On the evening I posted this I showed my husband who then made his own on another thread which he had since deleted and I only found out about it afterwards. He deleted it apparently because he didn't like the comments although he admitted supposedly he was the A hole in it. So in our first chat we discussed more of what he meant and why it happened and how it made me feel. He admitted he knew very little about PCOS and he felt he should do more research like I have to his FND disability continuously over the years (including finding him professional help). However he is yet to do this research. He has agreed to seek help for himself. I've looked into couples counselling and will be doing more research on this in the coming days. I've also booked an appointment to discuss weight and PCOS support so any advice on what to ask to be checked would be greatly appreciated. Prior to this conversation we had sex which I initiated because I wanted him to prove my thoughts wrong although I felt shit afterwards.

Anyway the next day I realised that I was still ruminating over what happened and what was said and I was struggling to feel love for him so I told him that evening because my feelings scared me because I don't want to lose him and I questioned whether I'm scared because I know deep down I love him or if it's because he's been my constant for 12 years. I also told him I was scared he felt the same and wasn't being honest. Anyway long story short he had a cry, I had a cry, he's realised what happened could really have fucked things up. I can't remember exactly what it was he said but at one point in the conversation he said what I'd been needing to hear since this began and I felt a rush of warmth and for the first time since it happened I felt (at least some) love for him again.

I also was not wanting to eat anything, his comment sent me in the opposite way, some of you might think that is a good thing given my weight, but it's actually likely to increase fat storage because your body goes omg save it all we need to survive and so last night was the first meal I ate in 3 days, other than that I've survived on the odd piece of fruit of veg. I have since told him this also.

Anyway this story is not over but I'll probably forget to update again anyway. It will take some time to heal between us and individually with whatever deep down for us both. Some of your guys comments were so useful and reassuring thank you.

This evening we went out for a meal as a family which was lovely and needed.

P.s. someone in my husband's post said this was AI and I can assure you it is not.

Comments

Cykeee42

PCOS (now called PMOS) is awful. But a loving husband will be a supportive husband. You do not deserve poor treatment, and please, please eat. Eat for wellness, not eating is awful for PCOS. (Actually those with PCOS are at higher risk for disordered eating due to the metabolic issues that make you feel like you are never eating right or working out enough to have an impact). Be careful dear, and focus on loving yourself first. Those who are deserving of you will see you and love you as you are. 💜 Hang in there sister.

SnooHedgehogs4699

What a jerk! This is not a man, he’s a delusional boy disguised as a grown man. When I married my wife four years ago, she was 140 pounds and the sexiest thing I’ve laid my eyes on. She’s five years older than me and perimenopause plus a few health issues led to her putting on nearly fifty pounds. She’s successfully starting to reverse the trend now but it really bums her out.

There has never been a point where I wee less attracted to her. This woman is my everything - my baby! She’s still the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen in my life. Sure, her body looks a little different. But it’s still her heart and soul I love. Bodies get worn, they change, and they heal.

I have empathy for her situation because I know I’ve had periods of weight gain, episodes where I probably didn’t look super attractive. I know one day I’ll be old and potbellied. I know my wife will still want to jump my bones then because of the love we share. Sorry you’re dealing with this, OP.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/RayneDeoman posting in r/AITAH

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 27th May 2026

Update - 28th May 2026

&#x200B;

AITAH for not forgiving my brother after he almost killed me

&#x200B;

My brother(32M), his gf(30F) and I(27M) all live with our mother. I'd give more detail on that but it's not the point of this post so I'll only give more detail if someone asks.

My brother has been stealing money from our Mom everyday, to buy Dunkin Donuts coffee, from this coin jug she has. It's a water jug, but empty, and she just throws her coins into it. The first few times he tried to hide it from all of us but on the fourth time, he was forced to put the jug back with me in the room and he said, "don't judge me, I need it", and, "I gave her 800 dollars last week, if she wants to bark at me for 4 dollars, she can". I didn't know what to say, so I just didn't say anything. I'll spare the extensive details of my line of thinking but the short version is that I just didn't want to start a scene since i had faith he'd atone once he could, and this was from desperation. I will say that I don't agree with any of his justifications, I don't think you could justify stealing from your Mom, especially when she sacrifices so much for you. Also it was 4 dollars every day so I don't know why he said 4 dollars unless he was trying to reduce guilt or something.

Yesterday was Day 6 and the breaking point. He needed coffee again and I told him that I had bought coffee for the home to save us money and would make him some if he'd like it. I gave him the coffee and he said it was too watery. Yea, it's going to be, it's pot coffee and you're used to Dunkin Donuts coffee. Regardless, he said he didn't want it because it was watery and stole from Mom's room to go buy from Dunkin again. Now, this is eating at me so much that I gotta say something, so I call my other brother and ask for advice. He tells me that my fears are true, that this will cause a rift between me and my brother, but if I don't say something then I am not looking out for my mom and am condoning these actions. Actions have consequences and it's not wrong to tell Mom that he's been stealing from her.

Flash forward to 5 pm and Mom's home. I go on a walk with her and tell her what happened. She confronts my brother about it and he says, "yea I took some change from you but I gave you 800 dollars last week. If you have a problem with it, how about you give me my 300 dollars back?". My mom promptly responds with, "yea sure I will, and you can get out today". My brother then screams and breaks a bunch of things. Mom follows after him to tell him to leave now. He attacks her and his girlfriend jumps in. I then jump in to break them up physically and he grabs me by the neck. Mom did escape due to the redirect but now I'm fighting off two people. Mom reminds me that he's trying to get me to do something to get me in trouble, and I should just leave. I leave as soon as I am physically able to. I tell him that I'm going to call the police and this reaches the main focus of my problems here.

My brother yells at us that if we're going to ruin his life, he'll ruin it first and loads a revolver to shoot himself. I do not think about if he's going to shoot himself or shoot us, I see him loading a gun and screaming at us. I tackle him, along with the rest of us, and we try to remove the gun from his hands. He places it against my right thigh, around where my artery is, and I hear the gun click. I pry the gun away from him and I open it so I can remove the bullets. There was one bullet and it was one chamber off. He gets up and runs away, driving away in his car.

The unga speak of the rest of the events are: cops come, brother caught, mom sad, me mad, brother not jail, brother mental hospital, gf move out, brother call, brother berate us, brother narcassist?, brother entitled?, me not speak to brother, me stay night at other brother's house for peace of mind.

Now here's how I feel about this situation. I love both of my brothers, especially the one in question here. We've been ride or die since we were kids and we've had a friendship closer than every friend I've had in my life. However, right now, I don't feel that way anymore. I don't trust him or like him. I don't want to see him for the foreseeable future and will see him again eventually but not for a long time and not unless he actually goes through channels to better his life like therapy and whatnot. Bottom line is that I feel hurt, unsafe, and very angry with my brother.

When I told my family this, they lashed out at me. Saying that I should be willing to forgive him because they forgive me for my mistakes all the time, that he's really sorry about it now, that my feelings are ridiculous or that I'm being holier than thou just because he made a mistake. When I got 4 people putting me down for not wanting to be there for my brother right now, now I gotta ask the fucking court. I don't feel like my feelings are being respected at all and I don't want to force myself to feel some way, talk to him or engage in our relationship just because it would be a shame to watch it end. I don't want to be around him, and apparently I suck because of that. AITAH?

P.S: I am still very angry, I'm sure you can tell, but I am asking this here so I can add other's non-emotional perspectives into my life so I can think on it more and hopefully make the right steps. I want to feel how I want to feel naturally but I don't want to make the wrong decisions because of it. I just feel wronged right now. All over chump change btw. Thank you for your time.

&#x200B;

Comments

&#x200B;

xXMokaMarieXx

Do not forgive him. This is insane dawg and he intentionally tried to KILL YOU. No offense fuck your family for tryna justify this in anyway. NTA

LissaBryan

If the gun had fired when he pulled the trigger, they'd be standing around OP's open coffin, talking about how they had to forgive and forget because faAAAAAmmmMMMilllLLLY.

Substantial_Shoe_360

Attempted murder is so not forgivable.

FortuneTellingBoobs

He literally shot you. You had no idea which chamber the bullet was in and you could be dead right now. You need to get TF away from all of these assholes and never talk to any of them again. I can't even believe you're willing to forgive him at a future date. Your life is in danger if you get near that (grown, btw) man ever again. He's fucking 30 and acts like a 3 year old.

>OOP: Yea I forgot to mention it, but didnt want to edit the post due to the update limit, but a big problem everyone is having with my feelings is that it didn't happen and I'm harping on a hypothetical. "Stop living in a hypothetical world and start living in the now" is a direct quote from my other brother. It just makes me feel like my concern isn't given the weight it deserves. If that bullet was one chamber over, I would be dead. All over the fact that he didnt want to take accountability for stealing from my Mom. I don't like feeling hate for anything but I don't want to force myself to not hate him for this just cause he's family. Fuck me, man Edit: I forgot to say thank you for the support. I appreciate you. Thank you for your time

&#x200B;

**Judgement - NTA**

&#x200B;

Update - 1 day later

&#x200B;

Firstly, I want to thank everyone for giving their support. It helped me communicate my feelings to my family and stand my ground. I do not trust my brother, I feel unsafe, and I do not forgive him. They keep trying to lessen his actions by saying he feels so bad, he loves me, he had a lot of stress, he had a mental breakdown, etc etc. My Mom even said, "Don't you go to Church every sunday? You can't forgive him?". I told her it feels like my feelings are being ignored, and she told me that I don't understand because I'm not a parent. She won't let either of her kids be homeless. She won't let her family be broken up. If I couldn't stand living with my brother, I could leave and live in my car.

The family was broken up when he choked me. It was broken up when he pulled a gun. It was broken up when he pulled the trigger on my thigh. However, I can't change her mind. I feel unsafe, so I don't have a choice. I'll be living in my car for the foreseeable future.

You gave me reassurance with your words, and while I admit that a car with no working ac in Florida is not an ideal living condition, I'm praying I can find my way back up out this pit. This sucks, but I would like to leave this family behind for my safety, my sanity, and my future.

The reality of this is starting to hit me, I feel like I'm in fucking shambles, but the genuine only other option is living in this house. She taught this man that he can do whatever and she'll bail him out of all consequence. I'm heartbroken, but the rest of this is for me to worry about.

Thank you for your kindness and thank you for your time. You helped me realize that it is normal to feel the way I do about my brother and it is correct to stand my ground. After I hit post, I'm gonna let this pent up emotion hit me in the sanctity of the backyard.

Goodnight everyone, cherish your loved ones

UPDATE #2 IN EDIT FORM: I will update the other post with the same info. Some of y'all called it. He was on psychedelic drugs. He's going to rehab, therapy and church(not religious but it's for community). He is also on medication to help him with his conditions. I am not expected to forgive him, and I certainly want to keep things slow. I don't want to hate anything, much less my brother, but what he did was horrible and I don't want that getting ignored. I am moving in with my buddy. I will keep the door open for my brother but I will keep things extremely slow and monitor his improvement over time. He's taking lessons in accountability and making major effort, including paying Mom back, buying me plenty of things to replace what he stole from me and apologizing severely. I see in him that he recognizes what he did wrong and the danger he put me in. The last thing he told me today was, "I'm happy you're alive". My family acted quite crazy, and I think living on my own now is going to give me back a level of safety and control that I need.

I am so unbelievably grateful to all of you who came in to offer advice, perspective, and outlets to find help. You gave me methods to word how I feel, strength to stand my ground and patience to stay strong and hopeful in what is undoubtedly the hardest time in my life. Now I can say I had a loaded gun pointed at me twice in my life lmao. What an icebreaker.

To everyone, thank you so much and cherish your loved ones. ❤️.

&#x200B;

Comments

&#x200B;

Covert_Pudding

Hey, your mom is playing this like she's not choosing sides. But when someone puts the onus on the victim to fix things, they are 100% on the side of the perpetrator. Don't lose sight of this. Good luck in the future!

Illustrious-Ice5046

So he can't be homeless... but you can? Seriously? Sounds like there is a tiny bit of favoritism here

>OOP: I wish I could reply to everyone but I won't lie, this situation has me exhausted. I'll keep reading as I can but I appreciate your replies and input. I feel like they got in my head about it so much I started to lose faith in my own feelings. I feel justified and safe in my decisions thanks to you all and it helps more than you know. I hope he makes the moves to better his life but I'm keeping my distance. I don't want to be a part of it anymore. Fuck man, the reality of this is going to hit me like a truck eventually.

>This happened yesterday, I haven't even processed it much yet. I don't like hating things, so I hope I can come to forgive him with time and keep my distance. It is a shame to watch that friendship die, but I think that friendship died when he pulled a gun, not because of me. I can't pretend this didn't happen. Thank you all for your support. I'll be thinking on everything you all say/said for a while. Thinking on everything honestly. I hope I can come to an outlook that keeps me in a good frame of mind. Yap over, thank you so much for caring as you all do/did!

Lena_Lena_A

The family was broken up when he choked me. It was broken up when he pulled a gun. It was broken up when he pulled the trigger on my thigh. All this because of coffee. Your thirty-seven year-old brother did all this because he got called out for constantly stealing money from his own mother, for coffee. He got excessively violent, not because you called him out, but because his own mother gave him a yelling for stealing from her, and told him to move out. You know, there's a correlation, even a causation between how your family is treating your brother's attempted murder and his sense of entitlement. And how they've so easily shifted most of the blame away from his shoulders and placed it on yours. Run. And good luck.

ponte92

I doubt it was coffee this is classic drug addict behaviour.

&#x200B;

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Mental-Stuff2391 posting in r/offmychest

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 29th May 2026

Update in the same post - 29th May 2026

&#x200B;

I’m about to get fired via phone call and my whole family is stoked.

&#x200B;

My boss is calling me in 14 minutes exactly. I’m pretty sure I’m getting fired. I’m very nervous; my husband is stoked.

This job, this job, I love this job.

I do not like my boss. She has caused me a significant amount of stress and it’s been a mess for me mentally.

I recently had a baby, came back from maternity leave, my boss started stressing me out AGAIN - so I put in my two week’s notice one week ago. We’re very fortunate that my husband makes enough money to support our family, so I put in the notice with the plan to stay home with our little.

Said little is currently fighting a cold. I had to take them to the doctor this morning.

I told my boss that I might not be there today because of this doctor’s appointment. I guess because I put in my two weeks notice instead of a four week, I gave up all of my PTO, and then I was also told because I’m in my two week resignation period, I am not allowed to take unpaid time off. But then, they told me they could make accommodations to use my PTO to cover for said doctor’s appointment, and to let them know when I’d be in afterwards.

I took them to the doctor, the doctor said stay home with them. I texted my boss and said look, I’m not going to be there today because my babe is sick, I can’t use PTO, I can’t NOT use PTO, so let me know how to proceed.

They scheduled a call with me and HR, now 9 minutes out.

I’m getting fired. I feel it. I’m nervous.

My husband is stoked. He keeps saying who cares.

I care.

My mom is currently visiting with us, and she is also stoked and has offered to take me shopping afterwards as a celebratory gesture.

My brain is breaking. If you can’t tell from all the spacing in this post, I’m nervous. So nervous, the energy is coming out of my fingertips. Next Friday was supposed to be my last day, idk why I care so much but I do.

Ugh.

&#x200B;

Comments

&#x200B;

herdofcorgis

Take a deep breath, it’s gonna be OK. Your family is always your priority, don’t let any employer interfere with that. You only get so many sick kiddo snuggles before they start becoming independent.

herdofcorgis

List friends if you need to provide a reference of employment history down the line. You’d be shocked how many travel professionals ask for randos to provide reference just to account for work history when they don’t have anybody from that employment period that would speak good of them.

angrygnomes58

So I was in this situation. Dream job, nightmare manager. Here’s the thing. When you’re the one that’s in it, you don’t truly see how much the job is affecting you. You know that it is, but the people around you see the REAL cost. You’re a new parent. That’s stressful enough. Add in a shitty manager and it’s awful. They’re happy that you’re out of there.

&#x200B;

Update - several minutes later

&#x200B;

UPDATE: I was indeed fired. They have “decided to accept my resignation early”. It was a 2 minute phone call. I’m feeling mildly better. I’m going to go eat my chocolate caramel ice cream and probably feel a lot better after that. Thanks to everyone for the kind words and your investment - it’s oddly nice to have the support of internet strangers.

&#x200B;

Comments

&#x200B;

hotwheeeeeelz

If they are terminating you, you may be able to file for unemployment benefits, which likely wouldn’t be possible if you had just resigned. Depending on the circumstances, this could be a boon for you. Good riddance to your boss and congratulations to you. Let us know how it goes. I’m invested lol.

>OOP: I’m officially fired lmao

LightBlanket2345

File for unemployment benefits

Embarrassed_Mango679

Seriously. That was so stupid on their part. Also I do not think they can take away previously earned PTO (but that might vary depending on where you are)

Chazkuangshi

I see it's already happened, so take a big breath, count to ten, genuinely. Your family is right to be cheerful about it. No job is worth this kind of stress. Baby comes first. You come first too.

&#x200B;

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Odd_Toe posting in r/breastfeeding

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 13th March 2023

Update - 28th May 2026

Editor's Note - OOP is referring to breast milk pumping

SOS- My Boss Thinks I Pump Too Much

Currently I pump and work at the same time from my own office (usually 3-4 times per work day.) My boss has made multiple comments insinuating that I pump too frequently & that I should be grateful for my ability to do so. My job is relatively flexible. I work in sales. I love my job. I’m consistently one of the top performers in our office. I’m not worried about being fired over this whatsoever, just pretty sick of the opinions.

In the past boss has hinted at changing my pump schedule around to maximize productivity. I obliged. A male coworker/friend told me that my boss asked if HE thought I pumped too much.. to which he (my friend) said “I don’t know??? No???” Friend told me about this conversation and mentioned that our boss spoke to a mutual friend (who’s nurse and childless) and asked her how many times a day is normal to pump.. her response was ONCE. I’m not upset with her, but I’m honestly sick of the comments from my boss. There hasn’t been a way to approach this with him that’s been effective. I’m honestly not sure how to proceed. I like my job & love my coworkers. I used to like my boss too! I’m feeling super unsupported. I know I’m a great employee.

ETA: We don’t have an HR department. Too small. Less than 10 employees small.

I’ve provided a decent amount of context here but am trying to keep things ambiguous enough to stay anonymous. Feel free to ask questions if more context is needed.

Honestly if you don’t have any advice but just want to offer words of encouragement I’d appreciate that as well.

Comments

QueenCityDev

Major WTF vibes that he's asking a man and a childless woman about appropriate pump frequencies! Sorry you're dealing with this

hussafeffer

I'm willing to bet he asked at least one mom who pumped and when the answer was "oh yeah that's totally normal", he moved on to people who would be more likely to confirm his nonsense. He didn't like the first answer.

>OOP: I literally was circling back to this comment to say this exact same thing. He has a lactation consultant as an immediate family member. If he was truly curious, that’s who he should have asked.

Extension-Quail4642

Ding ding ding! That bit of information absolutely seals his motivation, and it's not care for your needs or well-being. Ugh, sorry for the scum!

>OOP: He hilariously starts every convo about it with “obviously you and LO come first, but-“ lmao

sprinklypops

I believe in the US, pumping is protected, but the employer is not required to pay for pump breaks.

ProfVonMurderfloof

I believe you're correct, but she's not taking breaks, she's just working through it! But also, I'm not sure that the protections in the US apply to companies with fewer than 10 employees...

endlesssalad

I would be very direct, “boss, I’ve noticed you’ve been concerned about my pumping schedule. I want to assure that I’m able to work while I pump, and I haven’t noticed any change in my performance. Is there something in my performance that’s concerning you that I can work to address?” Really it doesn’t matter if you pump 8 times a day if you’re meeting job expectations. I’m so sorry this is happening, it’s fucked up.

Update - 3 years later

Hello everyone! I’m posting this update 3 years later. I had my second baby girl 8 months ago, and realized I’m having a MUCH easier time at work than when I had my first… I wanted to add some of the context I was too afraid to include when I was worried about it interfering with daily life at my job. If you like tea, I hope you have your cups ready🫖.

My ex boss’s MOTHER is a LACTATION CONSULTANT that supported me throughout my pregnancy. She told me that he breastfed until 4 years old. No shade to people who do this - I breastfed my first until 26ish months - but that knowledge PLUS his fixation on my pump schedule at the time made for a MUCH more uncomfortable working environment.

Know that the issue I posted about was just a symptom of a larger issue, which I’m sure is obvious if you read my last post and my comments on it… eventually I realized it and got fed up.

I channeled my rage into literally becoming the best and most successful sales person in his office. I made myself as irreplaceable to his business (that he owned - he directly profited off of my success) I could have… with the intention to blindside the fuck out of him when I put in my two weeks. My plan went swimmingly. When I put in my two weeks he basically BEGGED me to stay and he literally asked me what he could offer that would make me consider staying. I laid it all on the line - I asked for 1.5 months of PTO, a hybrid work schedule, and $15k raise (all more than the other job was offering, btw) to which he obliged. I told him I’d think about it over the weekend and get back to him. I quit the following Monday morning. Lmao. It felt good.

The last two weeks of work were ROUGH, but I got through them knowing there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Now I’m at a job that I love, where I’m respected (and left the fuck alone while I pump for baby #2!)

Comments

homerule

👑 MOTHER FUCKING QUEEN 👑.

>OOP: Thank you 🙂‍↕️ minor setback before the major comeback haha. Now that I have two kids I struggle to imaging putting up with anything from anyone that isn’t blood related to me. I was so brainwashed and innocent back then 😭❤️.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/No_Buyer8298 posting in r/Nanny

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 26th May 2026

Update - 27th May 2026

NK: nanny kid

MB: mom boss

DB: dad boss

Would you fire a nanny for this?

This weekend I went on a trip with friends and took a backpack that is the same bag I bring to work. In the bag there were a few items that are in appropriate to bring to work: 2 cans of an alcohol drink, (like hard seltzers) and one joint. Today I brought the bag to work, totally forgetting these items were still inside.

This morning I was searching through my bag trying to find my wallet so my 2yo NK and I could head out. My bag accidentally fell from the counter to the floor and overturned, everything spilled out including those items. MB was in the kitchen with us at the time and saw everything.

She was understandably alarmed and worried and I tried explaining about the bag and the weekend trip but I’m not sure if she believed me and if she did, she didn’t seem to think it was a good enough reason. She ended up telling me that she would take NK to his morning activities and I should go home for the time being and she and DB would give me a call this evening.

Now I’m at home really panicking about this. They have been my absolute unicorn family and I’d be devastated if I lost my job over something like this :( I feel terrible

Comments are mixed as to whether she will be fired or not

madame_

A brand new nanny? Yes absolutely. A nanny I've had for 6 years who I've had no issues with in the past? I'm not sure. But it doesn't really matter what I would do. Based on their reaction, it sounds like you will likely be fired.

Spockhighonspores

I mean you'd be fired at any other job for that so I don't see why OP wouldn't be fired for that. I hope OP updates.

Important_Rush5016

Honestly this exact scenario happened to me last Fourth of July. Our nanny had been with us for about 2 months at this point and she had an empty white claw can visible from her backpack. I posted on here and many people responded saying “it was a holiday weekend, blah blah.” My husband and i decided to give her a second chance with the caveat we would require more transparency about where she was going etc. 2 months later we ended up finding empty cans in her car and fired her on the spot.

BrokeTheSimulation

There are so many MB’s here saying they wouldn’t fire their nanny over this… so that’s a super positive note to make here! Me personally, I’d just expect to be fired. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best type of situation!

Mysterious-Ruin-1128

Yea, I totally understand the accident but they wouldn’t know or trust that. As a fellow nanny I trust you, but if I was a parent I wouldn’t.

BarelySimmering

How long have you been with them? If you have a long established trusting relationship, they might believe you but I would prepare yourself to be let go. I’m sorry.

>OOP: Almost 6 years, since their oldest was a baby. I have an amazing relationship with this family so it really sucks. Thank you

MB_Alternate

I think the 6 year relationship was the reason MB didn't fire you on the spot. I think it could be a toss up if you've had excellent performance up until this incident.

**Judgement - She is probably getting fired**

Update - 1 days later

MB and DB called a couple of hours ago and let me know they were really shocked and disappointed in me for what happened. They gave me the opportunity to explain myself again and I told them what I wrote in my first post again. And assured them I don’t have any substance abuse issue and this was a one-time occurrence.

I’ve been with this family for almost 6 years and they know me very well so I think they realized I was being honest about this. They told me they’d like me to keep working with their family but this was something that could never happen again and I promised it wouldn’t. And they said, “in that case, we’ll see you tomorrow.” 😁😁.

I’m so relieved!! I love my job so much and would be financially wrecked if I lost it so I’m stoked they are giving me another chance. Thank you for all the kind words and support I received on my initial post about this. A number of people asked for an update so I hope this is sufficient

Comments

Ok_Response_3484

Accidents happen but it might be time to buy a second backpack 😉.

Hot-Mountain7302

Aw yay! I was really hoping they’d be understanding since you’ve been with them for so long.

>OOP: Thank you!! Yeah I think the outcome definitely would have been different if I didn’t have so much history with them

Haunting-Respect9039

Whew! Got lucky there. Thank goodness your long relationship gave them reasons to trust you. I'm glad it worked out. Now get a separate bag just for work!!

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments