u/SharkEva

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/educatedvegetable posting in r/antiwork

Concluded as per OOP

2 updates - Long

Original - 15th March 2026

Update - 19th April 2026

Final Update - 18th May 2026

Editors Note - Added in some more comments from OOP

Noified my work weeks ago I'm leaving for a family vacation in July, tickets were bought, non-transferrable, and they are panicking, begging me to cancel This whole situation is absurd and I need a sanity check.

Noified my work weeks ago I'm leaving for a family vacation in July, tickets were bought, non-transferrable, and they are panicking, begging me to cancel This whole situation is absurd and I need a sanity check.

I work in admin in a niche but important, multi-national industry. I am a knowledgeable, reliable cog, and I pick up alot of slack as we are incredibly short-staffed with plans to add more because "its working out fine for right now" blah blah.

My boss is going on vacation, and she and I were comparing dates and realized they line up. She immediately told me I had to cancel. I told her I can't, things are non-refundable, since I am a cog, I never considered my manager's schedule. That is not my job. She told me she could deny my PTO, and if I go, I would be released.

Great.

I go to her boss, and say "lets make a plan". They say "ok great" and I build a schedule for task coverage, including him taking a few hours each day to sit at my desk and doing my in person job of fielding industry questions (or taking their info and I'd follow up later), and I offer to log in (paid) for a couple hours every day to help support. He says "Cool, I'll present this to the higher ups."

My bosses boss told me that the higher ups think that he's "too important and high paid" to sit at a front admin office for any amount of time. Then the board comes up with a great idea, we'll just offer to reschedule MY VACATION. They offered a few hundred bucks to cover scheduling fees. I calculated the fees, they are way more than a few hundred dollars. Talking thousands as hotels, travel, transport, everything for 4 I book in advance so I can just relax. We do this because it's not just my life, but my partners summer schedule and his two kids, and their crazy schedules with sports, split custody, their bio mom's vacation plans, a whole thing.

They asked me to cancel it and go some other time. I said a firm no. The kids are finally old enough to comfortably travel internationally, they are excited, and I'm not telling them we can't go because "work won't let me". HUH???

My thing is, I'm a cog. Should I have double checked everyones calander before scheduling? Sure, but I'm not a managing party. I haven't experienced something like this in my entire working life. I've previously notified upper management of my vacation time at the beginning of the year just like this and they just say "ok great thanks for letting us know".

Why is my leaving for 7 working days leaving the office in SUCH A PANIC? There are options to resolve this, like having someone come from another department for a couple days here, another a couple days there, and I offered to support remotely. Also, my vacation is scheduled for JULY?? I tell you in February???

Also, shouldn't this be a reasonable indicator of how short-staffed a department is if TWO people being out for any extended period of time throws a wrench into everything?

Did I do something wrong? Is there something I'm not seeing?

Any insight or advice would be amazing.

ETA: I am a woman.

Comments

Southern_Orange3744

July is ample time for them to figure out a temporary situation If they truly can't because you're just that unique then they can't exactly fire you

ThePinkMohawk

Sounds like a good reason for a VERY healthy raise in fact...

Silver_Adagio138

Maybe your boss is too important and high paid to have a vacation.

reddot_comic

I love how the boss rescheduling their vacation was never an option….

AdventurousLet3834

Just imagine if you were in an accident and were incapacitated, they'd have to figure it out. Never think you're so indispensable you can't be replaced. You can and will be without thought.

>OOP: That's a good point.

MyLadyBits

Take your vacation. Say out loud to them if you can’t do without me for 7 days what will you do without me if you fire me.

>OOP: I did. They told me I was a valuable employee but ultimately replaceable and should start looking for other work.

Update - 1 month later

Interesting update in this saga(OG post linked, hopefully), and I need another sanity check.

Summary: I notified my workplace in March that I would be going on vacation in July. Dates overlap with my boss's, who panicked and told me she would deny my leave and it would be job abandonment. Cool.

So, some time has passed, and upper management is absolutely begging me to reconsider, reschedule, cancel, anything so that I am here for the time our dates overlap. Overlapping time? 5 work days.

They keep telling me they have to consider the needs of the business, that they will pay for rescheduling fees (in the thousands), they keep asking me to pull up or answer for my personal calander to conjole me into rescheduling to come back early to cover some of the time, they keep saying "but you know how busy it gets, look at your metrics!". On top of this, we had two people leave the department in as many months, and we are being told no additional personnel will be hired. The reason why no one is being hired? Is because I've absorbed most of the workload and "see, it's fine, we don't need more people!" Great.

The thing is, know how busy it gets. That's why I booked a family vacation during the slowest time of the year and told ya'll in March that I wouldn't be here. I wasn't asking.

I feel like I'm going crazy with 6 people telling me I'm being unreasonable, inflexible, and "putting them in a bad position." I even made a temporary schedule for other departments to cover my work for that time (again, 5 days) and was told it's not going to be considered, because other departments are already short-staffed. It just really is making me feel like all personnel issues are falling onto me

The thing is, I'm looking at the job market right now, and it is BLEAK out there, recession indicators waving red flags. Sure, I could get a new job, but not at my pay scale or in my field right away. I'm seriously considering making my part of my family trip shorter so I can come back early.

Do I hold strong, or do I let them bully me into changing my vacation plans so I have job security? Seriously asking, because I feel like I'm actually going crazy from the stress.

Comments

Adventurous-Depth984

If they can’t live without you for the duration of your vacation, what sense is letting you go?

Kapowpow

Piggybacking top comment to add, if you fold on this, they’ll expect you to fold on absolutely everything moving forward, so strap in to completely lose all agency for the rest of your time there. You never deal with bullies by caving, you deal with bullies by standing up for yourself. That’s the only way to earn respect. Lastly, unless you got some sort of ironclad , explicit agreement to compensate you the thousands of dollars in rescheduling fees, they’re not going to pay you jack.

redguru02

A job tried pulling this on me with their "blackout week". It was towards the end when everything was slowing down. I was their best front-end guy, customers loved me, one of the employees did a little too much as well. That's why I was taking the break. The manager made all these threats and said I wasn't allowed to call off. I told them "I wasn't asking, I'm just letting you know." Came back and nothing happened. Coworkers were kinda pissed/jealous. I left 2 weeks later and got a better job.

ATFLA10

You gave them four months notice and they can’t or won’t come up with a backup plan. Enjoy your vacation!

Steakonanopenfire

You gave plenty of notice. If they legit cannot cover for 5 days, there are serious structural issues with this company. Also, they can absolutely cover for 5 days. It is unlikely that they will fire you right away for this. However, you should look now for the next employer. You have to ask yourself if you want to work for a company that treats you like that.

>OOP: Yeah, that's where I'm ultimately leaning. At this point I have such a bad feeling about this whole thing and questioning if my own sanity is worth the cost of staying employed here and it just isn't.

MakeNDestroy

Yeah, if I had to guess OP does the work of multiple people and they’re too greedy to hire more people so that they can be ok with OP gone. If your company can’t run without you, you should be rich as fuck. A software company I worked at wouldn’t bother me while I was on vacation unless it was about certain systems that I built myself and they had exhausted all of their resources. In all the years I worked there they emailed me 2 times. And both times I paused my vacation to 30 minutes to fix something for them. And they’d always give me a fat bonus for not leaving them high and dry.

Update - 1 month later

Final update, hopefully I linked the post correctly.

Thanks to all who commented or interacted with me on the previous posts, all comments were read, considered, and offered many perspectives I didn't consider, so thank you.

In short, I notified my employer months in advance that I was leaving for vacation. They needed coverage for 5 days, and they told me that if I went, I would not have a job when I returned. Cool.

After some reflection and your encouraging comments, I decided to look for another job in the industry I work in. It's pretty niche so the major players know of or have met each other. I reached out to a vendor of the company I currently work for and they immediately offered me a position, fully remote and at the same pay scale. They said I can start now, later, whenever; they are stoked to have me on the team. They mentioned I have a great reputation, and all of our vendor interactions have been positive, and because they were a vendor they couldn't approach me, but they were happy I reached out to them.

I'm over the moon!

I gave my current position a month's notice, am training my replacement over the next two weeks, taking a short break, and then starting my new remote position. And, I get to keep my vacation with no hassle :)

All in all, I'm really happy how this all worked out and not sure if I would have persued anything new without my current position treating me so poorly, so honestly, kind of have to thank them for opening my eyes.

Comments

Feeltheforceharry

How did they react to you leaving? If they can't cover you for five days I would expect them to panic even more over replacing you?

>OOP: They were mostly resigned, made a counteroffer but I respectfully declined. They asked if I could stay an additional week and I also declined that saying I wanted to establish my routine with the new company and that I wanted to focus on my growth there.

>I thanked them for everything I've learned while with them and the opportunity to move on wouldn't have been a possibility without them, which is true.

>These last couple weeks have been a mad scramble for them to get a replacement, and frankly they are in for a fun awakening when they realize they are taking on the job of about 3 people, but this workload will be up to management to decide how to allocate. Not my problem anymore :)

FortuneTellingBoobs

Yay! I love it when everyone gets what they deserve. Congrats on the new job!

Oddsee

The new recruit she is training probably doesn't deserve this. But hey, maybe after this the company will treat its employees better (doubtful tho).

Round_Computer_6404

Bad management never learns. They deserve to get fired but rarely do. Best talent leave because of bad management, ALWAYS. It’s either unfair wage to a top performing / most knowledgeable person, general disorganization causing the team to be excessively stressed out and so on. A bad manager can make even the easiest job hell.

zoosha2curtaincall

Please make sure to thank your current role for prompting you to see what was out there. And congrats!

HotspurJr

I know a lot of people are saying you're being too kind here, but this is exactly the sort of situation where I don't think a "fuck you" on the way out the door serves you. It's not about your employer deserving better, although the kindness to your replacement is the sort of thing would pay benefits in a just universe. But it's really easy to say "burn it down" to someone else.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Fun-Side-6996 posting in r/RoyalsGossip

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 12th May 2026

Update - 15th May 2026

Just been invited to a Buckingham Palace Garden Party absolutely gobsmacked. Any tips from people who’ve been?

So I’ve just received one of those cream envelopes with the royal crest on the front and I genuinely thought it was junk mail at first. Turns out I’ve been invited to a Buckingham Palace Garden Party this summer. I’m a regular bloke from England nothing fancy about me whatsoever and I am completely out of my depth.

I’ve got so many questions:

What to wear? I know it’s “smart” but how smart are we talking? Top hat and tails territory? A normal suit?or a morning suit is necessary as come a lot expensive I am not sure I can afford one just for the party. I’ve heard women and men wear hats is that still a thing or does it look try hard?

What actually happens? Do you just… walk around the garden eating finger sandwiches? Is there a programme? Do you get to meet anyone royal or is it thousands of people and you’re lucky to spot a distant corgi?

Etiquette? I don’t want to be the guy who commits some embarrassing faux pas and ends up in a tabloid. Can you just walk upto a royal and ask for a selfi 😭Any dos and don’ts would be massively appreciated.

Practically speaking how long does it last? It says in invitation letter that King will make appearance for 2 hours or so Can you bring a plus one? Do they feed you properly or should I eat beforehand?

I know this is a very “first world problem” but honestly I’m more nervous about this than most things I’ve done in my life. Would love to hear from anyone who’s attended or knows the drill. Cheers! 🎩.

Comments

CheetahCandid4560

A friend of mine said to focus on the tea and the things to eat. If you're not chosen to speak to the royalsyou won't get much chance to see them anyway

SamePhilosophy7947

I'm just back from a Royal Garden Party that took place this afternoon, here is my advice.

Some guests wore top hat and tails, others were in suits that looked like they'd been pulled out of the back of the wardrobe and dusted off, all were fine. Lots of ladies fascinators (I wore one) and hats, but equally lots of ladies with no headwear at all. A good benchmark is anything you'd wear to a summer wedding (though note the weather, there was a chill wind today and there was nowhere to warm up).

There is no programme, and you basically have two choices. Either race straight to the roped lanes to secure your spot and prepare to stand and wait for an hour or so (we arrived in about 3.20 and the lanes were already 2-3 people deep), or take your chances trying to peer over heads later (about 8,000 people attend each party so it's good to decide in advance).

A lot of the event is simply standing around, eating a plate of sandwiches and listening to brass bands. The seats go pretty quickly, and there aren't that many table perches, so you might have to to juggle plate, handbag, umbrella, phone, etc.

There are large queues for the food at the start. We took ourselves off for a long walk around the gardens and lake (both gorgeous), then came back later when most other people were trying to see the royal party (the crowds were at least 6 deep by this time). We had no chance of viewing the royals, but could see where they were in the lanes due to the masses of phones being held up and huge scrums of people. By then the food tents were much emptier so we could walk straight up to the serving tables.

There is endless food (sandwiches and cakes), so up to you if you want to eat before or get stuck into the catering.

After eating we decided to call it a day and headed to a local pub. People were trickling out by this point as standing around was getting quite chilly. Be very mindful of footwear, you will be on your feet for a long time - I purchased ballet flats that could roll up and fit in my handbag, and wore them on the journey there and back.

Have a lovely time!

lalagromedontknow

If I've just found my mother or best friends Reddit account.... We'll talk on Sunday lol.

They said the exact same thing re dress wear (one had a full on hat, one had a fascinator), they liked seeing men in a normal suit and with a lil button hole flower n cause it seemed more special like a wedding rather than like an interview and on theme for a garden party but also people in top hat and tails.

They said they spoke to lots of different people - social workers, carers, nurses, firefighters, military, builders... A whole load of people who help the community in so many different ways being celebrated and that it was just a really lovely day. And the food was apparently a) plentiful and more be importantly b) really good!

MzCeeCee

That’s so cool! How did you get selected to attend? Did you sign up or something?

>OOP: Our charity organisation got invited to celebrate our 50th anniversary for mainly helping young people to get into better jobs and start new businesses careers and do well for themselves from all around the UK.

Kaurblimey

You’re not a regular bloke then - you’re a superstar!

Update - 3 days later

So a few days ago I posted on here absolutely bricking it about attending a Buckingham Palace Garden Party as a regular bloke with no idea what to expect. You lot were incredible the advice, the comments, the DMs I was genuinely overwhelmed. Some of you even gave me specific tips on where to stand and how to navigate the day. Here’s your update. And I promise it’s worth it. I went. And I got lucky.

Out of roughly 4,000 people there I somehow found myself standing face to face with His Majesty King Charles III. Just him no Queen Camilla, no other royals. Solo. Walking through the crowd like a man who owns the place. Which technically he does.

He shook my hand. He looked me in the eye. He spoke to me personally and said he was enormously proud of all the work being done and that there was no adequate way to thank everyone. What struck me most was how genuinely humble he was. This is the King of England and yet the warmth, the sincerity, the way he carried himself it felt completely real. No performance. No formality. Just a man who genuinely meant every word he said. Truly one of the most down to earth people I have ever spoken to. For someone in his position that is honestly exceptional. To whoever told me to explore the gardens at the back first before the crowds gathered absolute genius advice. The gardens were stunning and coming back later meant I was in a much better position when it mattered. I genuinely think that made all the difference. You know who you are. 🙏.

On the food look, it was good. But legendary? The stuff of myths? Not quite. Manage your expectations on that front and luckily enough I wore a simple lounge suit which ended up a great idea as there was no one not even his majesty himself wearing a morning suit except one guy with tall hat too. I’m glad I wasn’t that guy.

Oh and the guest list. Helen Mirren, Idris Elba, Damian Lewis, Ant and Dec, Myleene Klass and Carl Cox were all there. Simon Cowell was apparently there too though I never spotted him. Probably busy giving someone a no. 😭.

I also came home with a personal card signed “CHARLES R.” with a watercolour painting of Balmoral Estate on the front painted by the King himself. I’m still not entirely sure this is real life.

To everyone who helped me on that first post thank you. Genuinely. You made this day even more special. I don’t have words. I am the first in my whole family to ever experience something this extraordinary. It’s genuinely a pleasure and something to remember for years to come.

Comments

Prestigious_Grape288

Hooray! I love it when Reddit comes together and does a bang-up job. Your lovely story has been a treat to follow. All of the thoughtful responses were so fun to read. And now you have several very cool souvenirs, to boot. Cheers and thanks for sharing!

>OOP: Reddit is so supportive and full of selfless humble people that only wants help you. Yea I’m gonna frame those souvenirs . It’s going to be a great fun story to tell to my grandchildren one day.

strawberrytree123

What an amazing experience! I don't know if you have a journal or not but if you don't I would suggest writing down on a piece of paper what your experience was like and tucking it inside the card you got so you can share with your grandchildren what happened.

>OOP: I had a pleasure of a lovely lady next to me she took a picture of me with his majesty and my conversation and handshake was recorded on my phone but sadly I wasn’t in it as it was directed to towards him( I didn’t knew the video was rolling on my phone when i was holding it down) any way still happy with picture.

Aromatic_Razzmatazz

This is so sweet. I know Charles has his issues, but there was a moment early in the Ukraine War where Zelensky popped up in London after Putin had been trying to have him assassinated all over the place, and Charles practically hugged the man and said 'We have been so worried about you.' It was such a touching moment and echoed the sentiment of the rest of the world very, very well.

>OOP: He has great humor too, he came towards us there were a bunch of ladies and he said you guys be frozen in the cold I hope you had a nice hot cuppa tea and we started laughing, hes very good with speaking to people and he does listen to you like a genuine person. It’s quite crazy how long he was standing but he still took his time with everyone he talked too.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/swilyi posting in r/relationship_advice

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 13th May 2026

Update - 15th May 2026

My (25F) fiance (26M) is always helping out his mom and I’m worried we wont be able to build a good life together Important context, both me and my fiance come from low income families and both of us are working hard to improve our life’s.

On my side: I secured myself a good job and now I’m back to study to improve my job opportunities.

On his side: he’s has a lower income than me but he takes a lot of extra shifts on night time and weekends and ends up earning more than me.

The thing is his mom is also a low income worker. But she lives quite above her means. We are talking about vacations on luxury resorts every one or two years, buying a lot of clothes, taking loans with high interest rates to buy herself things that she doesn’t need, etc

In my country when you get married everything is separated. Each one keeps their own money.

So what we decided in the beginning is to set up a joint bank account for savings, everyday purchases, and common expenses.

In my mind that was fine. We talked about the type of lifestyle we wanted, make a budget and with the rest of the money each one does what they see fit.

If he has to help out his mom that’s on him.

But as the wedding date is approaching I have more and more doubts.

First one is right now he has a high salary because he takes on night and weekend shifts. But we’re getting older and I’m not sure for how long he’ll keep this up.

He’s not saving the extra money he makes because he’s giving it to his mom. So I’m thinking about what will happen when he’s 40 and ha can’t keep up with all the working hours.

He’s also against what his mother is doing. And I mean all the trips, the luxury, etc. a lot of times he refuses to give her money but she ends up convincing him. And I just don’t know how this will go on and what will happen when he doesn’t have so much disposable income.

Right now he lives with his half brother (form father side) and pays a very small amount of money as “rent”

Once we move together he’ll have to pay real bills and rent. Not sure how he will feel about sending money to his mom when he won’t have much left for himself. I’m not sure how this dynamic will go and if I’ll be caught in between.

Basically I’m afraid him helping out his mom so much will affect our own lifestyle and our relationship in a general way.

How can I deal with the dynamic between my fiance and her mom so it doesn’t affect our marriage?

TLDR My mother in law is always asking money because she lives above her means. Even if my husband is against giving her money she always convinces him . I’m worried this will affect our relationship and lifestyle and not sure how to deal with it in a way it doesn’t affect us negatively

Comments

EarthlingFromAPlace

If you don’t like how he handles his finances, don’t marry him.

pfren2

certainly. This. suggesting 40 is old, for him to work as hard past that, made me chuckle. My goodness….

>OOP: My father used to work on a factory and he always told me your body is fine until you turn 40. That’s when everything comes at you: everything starts hurting, you start feeling tired, waking up to work becomes harder, etc.

>He always insisted on me and my siblings to get office jobs or something that doesn’t require physical strength. That’s why I said specifically 40 year old.

Lucky-Technology-174

You’re not the most important woman in his life — he’s showing you who he is. You can accept this or move on, but people are not projects for you to work on. You’re choosing this for yourself.

Update - 2 days later

I’m not engaged anymore.

My ex mother in law is currently vacationing on the Amalfi coast.

Just 4 days ago she was calling her son to beg for money to pay rent. She owes 3 months already. He obviously paid. They got in an argument when he saw she was traveling.

And I decided I don’t want to be part of this.

I’ve saved so much, didn’t give myself luxuries to be able to build myself a better lifestyle as I’m getting older. He seemed to be on the same page. And technically he is: he doesn’t indulge on himself. But what’s the point when he’s spending all his savings on his mom.

I sat down and asked him, if we were living together how would he do it? How would he pay 3 month of her mother’s rent and half of our own rent with his salary?

He said that he wouldn’t have paid if he knew she was traveling. And that he thought she would be evicted.

I was like, I’m not asking why you did it. I’m asking how would you do it if we were living together.

Right now he lives with his brother and pays a small amount of rent and nothing on food.

But if we were living together he would have real bills and expenses. There’s no way he can keep up with that while still paying for his mom.

Also I realised I don’t want to be the reason he changes his relationship with his mom. I don’t want to be “blamed” or get in between them. I would rather just be with someone who has a normal family dynamic.

TL;DR we are no longer engaged.

Comments

lenusniq

Is just the engagement off or also the relationship? also great decision!

>OOP: Relationship. I don’t see it working and I don’t want to be the evil daughter in law that gets between a mom and her boy.

lenusniq

It is refreshing to see a wise OP, because this, my dear, " don’t want to be the evil daughter in law that gets between a mom and her boy." would have become your reality... everytime you would "force" him to compromise, he would throw at you that he sacrifised his mom for you... at least judging by my parents' marriage...

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Critical-Willow-6270 posting in r/atheism

Concluded as per OOP

2 updates - Short

Original - 7th April 2026

Update - 8th April 2026

Update - 13th May 2026

My boss wants to us to pray with him

I've had my job for about five years now. I love my co-workers, they're great to work with and fun to be around.

Very recently our former boss got a new and better job and we wished her well because she was an amazing person and fantastic leader. Obviously we were sad to see her go.

Now we have a new boss and today he decided that we were all going to eat lunch together at the same table. Weird, but ok. He told us to join hands, bow our heads, and say a prayer before we could start our lunch.

Needless to say, I freaked out and told him that I didn't want to do that because I don't believe in God and that it makes me uncomfortable. He just shook his head and said "Well that's too bad. You might want to change your mind about that."

WTF does that mean? Can I be fired for this nonsense? Why is religion being shoved into every facet of life?

Comments

WalrusSwarm

This could be bigger than you. Freedom of religion is a thing but so is freedom from religion. Document your interaction asap. Please consult with an employment or employment discrimination lawyer immediately. Always take the advice of legal counsel including your behavior and responses.

Open_Mortgage_4645

What your boss is doing is a violation of Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 which prohibits workplace discrimination on the basis of religion.

It is illegal for an employer to force you to participate in their religion or any religious activity as a requirement for your job.

You cannot be forced to participate in or refrain from participating in religious activities as a condition of your employment.

An employer cannot condition a promotion or other employment benefits on your adherence to their religious views.

While supervisors may discuss religious beliefs, they cannot persist to the point of creating a hostile, intimidating, or offensive environment.

What to do:

Document everything: Keep a record of any instances where your employer has pressured you to participate in religious activities, including dates, times, what was said, and any witnesses.

Consult with HR: If your company has a Human Resources department, you should report the issue to them.

Seek Legal Advice: You may want to consult with an employment lawyer who can advise you on your specific situation and legal options.

File a Complaint: You can file a charge of discrimination with the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC).

The EEOC is responsible for enforcing federal laws that make it illegal to discriminate against a job applicant or an employee because of the person's religion or lack thereof.

esoteric_enigma

How did this person make it to being a boss doing something so wildly unprofessional. Go to your HR department immediately.

Update - 1 day later

Hi everyone. I just thought that I'd give an update on the situation involving a lunch prayer with my boss. After speaking with myself and my co workers who backed me up, he was given a stern warning and has apologized to us. Thanks for everyone who commented on my original post and showed support/gave advice.

Comments

alkonium

It's a win, but I'd expect some kind of retaliation if I were you.

>OOP: At this point I wouldn't be surprised at anything because that forced apology probably pissed him off more.

Update - 1 month later

I thought I'd like to share an update about my situation in which my boss made us pray with him during lunch.

After the first time it happened, he was admonished by his superior and apologized to us. A couple of weeks later, he decided to start "reevaluating" those of us who spoke out against the lunch prayers. Mind you, we've already had our evaluations and weren't due for another for a few months. It was starting to feel like retaliation.

So, we again reported him and apparently it was agreed that his actions were "inappropriate" and he was let go by the company.

So thank you for the advice and support!

Comments

Silver_Adagio138

Thoughts and prayers

hamsterwheelin

He'll make more from his "legal defense fund" go fund me page in a month than he would in the next 2 years.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Silent-Occasion-6870 posting in r/AITAH

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 3rd May 2026

Update - 13th May 2026

AITAH for not donating for a sick kid which led to others doing the same?

My (39M) husband (35) has a big family and they are always in about each other's business and causing drama. I generally keep out of it and let him deal with them all. This time I was dragged into it and it has all blown up.

He has a cousin who is married to a twat of a guy, they have an 8 yo boy. They are all about show and live outside there means, everything is on finance. Nice cars, luxury holidays etc. Through the family grapevine we have heard that they are in about 80k of debt. He has a job that pays about 100k a year. We have never got on. There have been the gay "jokes", nothing too bad but irritating. He also HATES the fact we both do extremely well for ourselves. Not to brag but we have access to 7 figures in savings and investments. The family knows but people on the outside have no idea. We live a quiet life, no flashy cars or insta posts about our holidays. Last year he came into a decent inheritance in the form of a 750k house, would not shut up about it. This is all relevant.

Now to the issue, unfortunately their kid has become ill, extremely ill, not going to die but their life will definitely be more difficult. There is a treatment available that MIGHT help but it will cost around 250k. They came to us and asked if we would pay for it. We said we would need to discuss it and ultimately went back to them and said that this isn't something that we would do. This was not a fun phone call, he kicked off calling us every name under the sun. Our reasons will become clear soon.

After this call they put us on blast in the family group chat and Facebook. We were getting calls and messages from people going in hard on us. This is when I messaged the chat and commented on their FB. I explained that if they could not afford it, we would have helped. They have a paid off 750k house. I pointed out that there is nothing stopping them from releasing some equity in the house and this would pay for the treatment and clear their debt. Their mortgage payments would be less than what they previously paid in rent. I also pointed out that they could cancel their 2 upcoming 10k holidays and down grade their cars. I said that I felt like we would be paying to maintain their lifestyle and as parents they should be doing everything they should to help said kid.

Since this there has been more name calling and dramatics but most of the family have now pivoted to our POV this has led to some of them who previously promised money pulling out. We are all being called monsters for not helping a sick kid. I don't think we are but that is why we are here, AITAH?

Comments

Fire_or_water_kai

People sure are generous with other people money. NTA

jrown08

Not just that, but some people sure feel entitled to other people's money. "But you make so much more than I do, and are so much more responsible than I am, obviously you should pay for it."

Sexy_Worm

Imagine having a sick kid and instead of coming up with the money, you go on expensive hoildays and expect other people to pay for your kid. Wild.

BeachinLife1

You didn't say anything that everyone else wasn't already thinking, and the proof of that is that others are pulling out. You spoke the truth, and some people just never want to hear the truth.

Individual_Cloud7656

How is this even a question? They have the money.

>OOP: Apparently because we are rich and don't have kids we should cough up. They have also pointed out how we have helped other family members. We have paid for 3 of their University's and also bought 2 houses for ones who were genuinely struggling.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 10 days later

It has been a crazy couple of weeks so I thought I would update you all.

First off, a lot of you were right, there was a lot more going on than anyone knew. There was something off about the whole situation , but the one thing we knew is that the kid was sick. My husband saw a post on socials that his cousins husband was out of town for the weekend, we decided to reach out to the cousin and see if she would meet us for a coffee, she did and she invited us round to their house.

I know a lot of you will say we were stupid to go round but my husband had been close to his cousin growing up and just wanted to see if there was something that could be figured out, I was against it but it was important to him. I didn't need to be there but I am going to be honest, I was there for the tea.

Anyway things were off in the house, I don't know how to describe it but she seemed out of place in her own home, on edge. At first I thought it was because we there and the whole situation was awkward. After everyone was settled, we started talking and basically said that we stand by what we said but if we could help in other ways that worked for everyone, we would. She broke down and it all came out.

It turns out the her husband has a gambling problem and the 80k was nowhere close to their debt. He had taken out 550k against the house as soon as he got it, this cleared what he owed on credit and to some less than savoury people. The problem is his gambling problem did not go away, surprise surprise, and it had crept back up again to the tune of about 100k, fucking crazy.

As predicted by some of you, the out of pocket for the treatment was not 250k it was closer to 125k, he decided to double it and approach us to kill two birds with one stone. Clear the debt and pay for treatment.

Before I go any further, we are now paying for the full treatment directly to hospital. Appointments are being made and hopefully the little guy will start it in the next few weeks.

What we didn't predict and what nobody had any idea about was what else was going on in the household, I won't go into details because I would need to post trigger warning but I am sure you can figure it out.

I have to say, I had said that his family can be troublesome but they rallied as soon as the flag went up. The cousin, the son and all of their personal belongings, documents etc were out of that house within two hours, there was not a trace of them left. I was impressed, all the family shit and dramas were forgotten.

We moved both of them into our guest house and that is where they will be staying for the foreseeable future.

Sunday night the shit hit the fan. He came home to an empty house, his stuff was still there. She had blocked him on everything so he started going round all of the family members kicking off, he was met with a wall of silence. Everyone denied all knowledge of anything and told him where to go.

The only place he couldn't get to was ours, he couldn't get past security. We had given them all his details, told them the situation and said that under no circumstances was anyone to be let through to visit us without calling and confirming with us. He showed up and made a scene, but got nowhere, I think security enjoyed it, it is normally a pretty boring job.

Next thing we knew, we had the police at our door. I think he had called in a welfare check as he guessed/ knew they were here. We explained the situation and that went nowhere for him.

She is talking with our lawyer and they will be dealing with everything for her. The main thing is that they are both safe and her kid is getting the treatment that he needs.

I know I shouldn't take any pleasure in this but I do, I hate the guy. He will lose everything, they have been missing their mortgage payments, the house will be gone soon. Divorce will be happening and there is apparently an excellent chance of full custody for her. He is spiralling, it would not surprised me if he messes up his job as well.

So for now everything seems to be under control. I don't expect anymore updates unless he does something spectacular.

Edit- There have been a lot of comments saying that he could be dangerous right now as he has nothing to loose. While you can never be 100% we are in a good position. He would need to get past 2 security checkpoints just to get to our front gate. There patrols that drive about 24/7. We have 5 dogs, admittedly 3 of them are useless but we have a Doberman and a German Shepard who spend most of their time outside, by choice.

She has no desire to venture outside of this right now and if she does she will be with someone on high alert, just until the dust settles and we see how the land lies.

The lawyers are doing their thing in regard to restraining orders etc but I don't think we will know what is happening until next week. Thank you for your concern but for now they are both totally safe.

Comments

whatswrongwithfolks

I’m so glad that you and your husband decided to investigate further. Who knows where his cousin would have ended up with a husband like that. Good luck to the child for the treatment and I hope it all goes well and he and his mother both heal in time.

HUNGWHITEBOI25

honestly all of this also, Op is a MUCH better man than i am, cause even though HE said shouldnt take pleasure in this asshole getting what he deserves I certainly do lol

>OOP: I felt I had to say it in the post but NGL, I am taking immense pleasure from this. Not what has happened to his cousin obviously but bringing this asshole to his knees will bring me great joy.

Mrs_Jones_85

Hopefully, that attorney can do something so that the debt doesn't fall on her. I doubt this nightmare is over for her. Wishing the best for the little guy.

>OOP: That won't be a problem, money wise things should be close to balancing out. There will just be nothing left. We will be helping them get back on their feet, my husband was looking for therapists today for both of them.

>I expect them to be here for a couple of years, she has talked about some courses she can take. Even though it reeks of nepotism we will create a job for her so she can start building her confidence back up. Once she is ready of course.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ruinedbirth_trowaway posting in r/AITAH

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 10th May 2026

Update - 13th May 2026

AITAH for “running away” to give birth ?

I 23F and my husband 25M have been together for 4 years , married for 2 , and we were expecting our first child.

My relationship with my MIL was never amazing , but before this she always kept to herself , and so did I , and for the record , my relationship with my husbands father and brother was always really good.

When i got pregnant , i told my husband that i wanted to keep it a secret for at least the 3 month mark , because my own mother miscarried 5 times in between my and my younger siblings , so i thought that this fact could affect my and my pregnancy , and because i remember the heartbreak of my mom loosing all those babies , i didn’t want our families to feel it . He totally agreed and even said it would be our cool little secret.

2 DAYS after i told him , i got a text from my MIL saying that she knew it was a girl and that it was selfish of me to keep the news of her baby girl away from her and her family .( just for the record , i was around 4 weeks pregnant at that point , so i had no idea about the sex myself so idk where that came from )

I confronted my husband , to what he replied “u were not expecting me to hide this from my mom right ? she deserves to know , it’s my child too “ I was furious and didn’t talked with him for around a week after this .

Needless to say that in the week after this incident EVERYONE already knew i was pregnant , and people were even mad at me for wanting privacy on this .

Then , the harassment from my MIL started , at around 4 months my and my husband went to visit my family and left my MIL responsible for watering the plants , when we came back , a whole nursery was made , all pink with the name Olga Bertha , painted on the wall . keep in mind that i had no idea about the gender still , and ofc this was an EXTREME privacy violation , i had a harsh conversation with her , she cried and my husband then has mad because i was mean to his mom

But this was just the beginning of the harassment , she was sending me articles everyday about the bad effects of working out during pregnancy , criticizing what i had for each meal , started crying because i want to exclusively breastfeed , she literally said “ feeding MY baby is a critical bonding moment ur steeling that from me “ , for not wanting visitors for one month , and then , the delivery room .

To sum it up , she wanted to be there , i said no , i only wanted my husband there , she seemed a little hurt but never talked about that again . Until my husband was showering and a message from her popped up , we had a lunch date on that day so i assumed it was the location and opened it , just to find HUNDREDS of messages of their plan on how she would get in the delivery room when i was too tired to argue to see her baby being born .

I cried a lot when i was alone not going to lie to you guys , but then i made peace with it , on that Monday i told him i was going to spend some days with my parents and if something happened i would tell him , i drove from north carolina to florida , where my family is , got into labour , gave birth with my mom and my two sisters in the room to a healthy baby boy , without my husbands knowledge,

Now to the present , my son is now 2 weeks old and i finally told my husband what i did , he is driving down here and yelled at me for giving birth without telling him , and for not including him on the birth certificate or name choice , and keeps saying that he and his mom will sue me

AITAH for “running away” to give birth ?

EDIT :

it seems to be a lot of comments abt the name in the nursery , olga bertha was no was was written, but close enough “olga” is the fake version of my MIL name , and “bertha” of my MIL mother

abt the two weeks of not telling him , we were not on good terms , just texting , so it was not hard to hide honestly

EDIT 2 :

for the ones criticizing my spelling and punctuation, i’m sorry if it’s not up to your expectations , but it’s the best i can do as a first time mom that is sleep deprived and gave birth 2 weeks ago , thank you for your understanding

Comments

daysailor70

Sounds like you should just stay with your parents, this marriage is over. He's putting his mother over your feelings and is completely unsupportive. And, what are they going to sue you for? I hope you took screenshots of the texts and planning with his mother, they will come in handy.

Substantial_Shoe_360

Screenshots of everything because entire chats can be erased from all recipients. Also make a journal of the everything that has happened and said. Best of luck and congrats on your son.

IllustratorSlow1614

NTA You cannot be sued for not letting your MIL or your husband in your delivery room. Do not believe them. Nobody has a right to be in there besides you, you are the only essential part of the process - even your doctor and midwife need your permission to treat you. Your baby is a resident of Florida by being born there. Take advantage of this. Get legal advice before your husband arrives. You do not have to go back home with him and you do not have to let him take your baby away from you. Assume your marriage is over - this is a good thing, because you husband is not on your side and only had a baby with you because he couldn’t have one with his mother. The emotional incest is deep between them and he has no interest in stopping it. Your best bet is staying with your family in Florida. Get a lawyer ASAP.

FeistyIrishWench

Yes, especially since NC has some obnoxious laws about divorce like you have to live apart for a year before you can file. Do not take the baby back to NC at all. File everything from Florida. Florida is its own level of asshattery related to divorce, but at least in Florida, you have your family there to assist you.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 3 days later

Hey guys , first of all thank you all so much for the messages

some people asked for an update , and i’m here for it , the last 48h were the most insane i’ve ever had honestly ,

so to go back where we left off , my husband arrived yesterday afternoon ,can u guess who also came ???? yeahhhh his mom ! nothing i was already expecting , but it’s always surprising ig

when he car pulled up , my MIL was the first to come out , they both got in , my child was in my old bedroom (in my parents house ) with my sister and mother , and in the living room my brothers, dad , me and them

the first thing that came out of her mouth was “quit the bullshit , my baby is a girl right ?” i said that my baby is a male , my family confirmed , my MILs face completely changed , she started crying saying that this one was meant to be a girl , and if she knew i would give her another boy she wouldn’t have been so nice to me

(for context , my husband has 1 brother only , and he is already done having kids , he has 3 boys )

i told her to go fuck herself , this child is MINE not hers , and i surely didn’t had a baby so she could fulfill her wired desires .

she was about to raise her voice , but my brother stopped her and told her that it wouldn’t be accepted in this house and asked her to leave and wait for my husband in the car .

(yes after she found out the gender , she didn’t even asked to see him )

she left , giving my dirty looks , but left

my husband looked at me and asked me how could i rob this moment from him, as u can imagine i replied with the plan they had , he turned pale , and then i think it all clicked together in his little brain .

he started apologizing and saying that it was just to shush his mom and that he would never actually do it , but after being pressured, his speech changed to :”but im also going trough a lot in the delivery room , i need support “

my whole family started laughing in his face , he got angry , and demanded to know my sons name and see him , i told him the name , and allowed him to see im from a far , he asked to hold him and i declined .

after this , i talked alone with him, and told him that i wanted a divorce , he cried , pleaded , and asked for another chance , i told him my decision was final , and that he didn’t had to financially support my child , but that our marriage was over , i asked him to come around the next day so we can discuss this better.

then he came , his eyes were puffy im guessing from crying , and he and his mom came here , looked at my husband and said OUT LOUD, that he should give me the divorce and forget about this kid since it was a boy , he should find a woman that would give him a girl . finally i saw that dude get a little of a backbone , and he told her to get out , that she already ruined this enough . she yelled as expected and left .

he cried and told me finally understood the kind of harm his mom was making to our family and told me that if i needed him to go NC with her to save our marriage he would .

i told him that i needed time to think , and told him to give me some days , he is returning to NC , and im abt a week he will come down again so we can talk

now i know what he did was horrible , but being a single mom at 23 is not ideal , and weather i like it or not , i still feel smt for this man….

any opinions and recommendations are welcome !

Comments

Maximus_Dick

Talk is cheap. Do one year of separation and if in this time he steps up massively and keeps his mum cut off, then you can review divorce then NTA

mocha_lattes_

With couples counseling and individual therapy

KatesDT

If you decide to give him another chance, please do not move back to where he lives. If you move back and establish residency there, he can keep you from going back to your parent’s house with the baby later on. Right now, since you gave birth in FL, that’s your baby’s home state. Stay there. You did a good job of protecting yourself and your baby. MIL is a horrible person. NTA. He gave you no choice. I’m sorry this is how your PP period has turned out to be. You and baby deserve better.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Total-Chard-1273 posting in r/relationship_advice

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 26th April 2026

Update - 9th May 2026

​

I (f26) am married to my husband (m37), how do I ‘break up’ with my friend (m29)?

​

This sounds ridiculous, but I’ll explain;

My husband and I have 2 kids, a house, he’s incredible and I love him with every bone in my body. He’s an amazing dad and a beautiful intelligent man.

I do not want to ruin this relationship

My friend is honestly a very attractive man. This was never an issue until he went through a series of genuinely awful tragedies in his life last year. His grandma died, his dad got diagnosed with cancer, his mum died, and then he finally broke and left his very abusive ex-girlfriend who would not just threaten him, but beat him and give him black eyes and smash his house and expensive belongings to pieces.

I was his shoulder to cry on during this time, and we found ourselves getting closer. Especially when he opened up about the abuse, because I had also dealt with an abusive ex. And guys really don’t often speak up about these situations. That was a turning point for us. After his break up, I feel he started seeing me differently. As more than a friend. He often says things that cross the line. (At least in my opinion) but I also started feeling this emotional intimacy too.

We have never hugged, kissed, touched etc. And we don’t meet up alone ever. My boundaries are firm. But we text a few times a week and it’s unfortunately full of chemistry and honestly it’s quite flirty.

Don’t get me wrong, I have flirty and silly banter with all my girls and some of my male friends as a normal thing, but this is totally different.

I’m developing a crush on him. And I don’t think I could see him as a friend again. How do I end this before I ruin my marriage? I thought it would mentally fade but it keeps getting stronger and I’m worried if I don’t end it now, this situation is going to be awful

​

Comments

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Outrageous_Ad4252

You have to do something now! Tell him you fear for your marriage if this continues. Tell him he is using you as a crutch. Tell him anything. But, you can screw your marriage beyond repair if this continues. Smarten up now!

>OOP: I’ll use these lines

Designer-Revenue9803

You are essentially asking how to break up with someone you are having an emotional affair with. It is what it is and it’s what your husband would likely see it as if he knew all the details. I don’t know what your husband’s boundaries are, but if this is a red line for him, you need to end things with that guy cold turkey, with no contact, to save your marriage. No meetups for “closure” or anything like that. The problem with emotional affairs involving someone you know in real life, your partner will inevitably assume something physical has happened, he just doesn’t have proof.

>OOP: This is true. You’re absolutely right. I’ll build the courage to cold turkey this asap

Designer-Revenue9803

You’re going to need more than courage. Courage is, for example, what you need to confess to your husband. Given how far this has gone, there’s likely already some emotional distance starting to creep in between you and him. This is an either-or situation, and there will be a lot of temptation pulling you back. He might try to guilt-trip you into staying, and you might find yourself wondering whether you could go back for another chat or meetup just to “get it out of your system.” That’s dangerous, resist it.

It will hurt like a real breakup, not like losing touch with or missing a friend. Bluntly, you don’t have a friend anymore. You have a man you are emotionally cheating on your husband with, and it needs to stop. Not with something like, “Can we stop flirting? It’s disrespectful to my husband.” No, you need to cut him off completely.

>OOP: I agree, if I don’t cut him off completely I don’t think I’ll be able to truly stop this. It’s just painful. And I will be strong and resist talking again. That will hurt too :((

Realistic-Duty-3874

You have to cut contact completely or you will destroy your family and marriage. Youre being unfaithful.

​

Update - 9 days later

​

I did it clean. Ripped the band-aid off so to speak.

It hurts a little knowing I won’t have a friend in him anymore. But I love my husband more than anyone in the world so it needed to be done.

It was hard noticing this was an emotional affair. But I’m really glad I did before it grew into something worse.

I also found out he had texted my husband begging him to leave me so he could have a chance. My husband had known the whole time… I wonder if that’s why he was so distant. But now my husband knows, he’s helping me grieve it a little :(

Human relationships are so complicated but I guess that’s what makes us so unique. I hope anyone else who has been in this situation before has an opportunity to notice it developing before it becomes a real affair 💖 it’s easier to break off.

​

Comments

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Extension-Corgi-467

He texted your husband asking him to leave you? Well that should make getting over him a lot easier. Seems he was a snake the whole time and was manipulating you.

Separate-Pea5579

Bingo. This should be all the closure needed. Plotting behind OPs back, yikes.

Firm_Distribution999

Couples counseling immediately for you and your husband. Do NOT lean on him to grieve the loss of your “friend” who was actively trying to sabotage your marriage. That’s not fair to your husband whatsoever. You’ve gotta work this out with a professional.

>OOP: Yeah you’re right

Tal_Tos_72

Have to admit your husband is a bigger man than me. Were I to find my wife had an emotional affair that would be it for me. Cheating of any nature is a hard boundary for both of us, easy to say but we both mean it.

Since your husband is still there work work work on that marriage and never ever let a sliver of this re-occur, he might be willing to give you a chance now but this might be your one and only. Assuming that the divorce process isn't already in flight and papers are about to be served - again its what I'd be doing right now.

TJHawk206

Agreed. I’d leave immediately and go find a more loyal woman. Your dignity and time are worth everything to you, or should be. Thankfully, I’d regret the time I wasted with that person but not that I left .. it would make finding a better partner easier since there wouldn’t be as much of a grieving process

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Rosalie_amber posting in r/WhatShouldIDo

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 7th May 2026

Update1 - 7th May 2026

Update2 - 8th May 2026

I found a used condom in my man's car

I (26F) and my boyfriend (28M) and I have been together for three years. This morning, he took my car to run a quick errand, so I used his to grab groceries. My phone slid under the passenger seat, and while I was fishing for it, I pulled out a used condom. The thing is we don’t use them. I’ve been on the pill the entire time we've been together.I just stared at it in the parking lot for ten minutes. I checked the trash in the car and found a receipt from a pharmacy across town from two days ago when he said he was "working late." I’m waiting for him to get home now. I want to believe there’s an explanation, but my gut is making me sick. How do I even bring this up?

Comments

Fickle_Ad_8227

Who keeps used condoms? He sounds dirty af. You should leave him just for that

OldChocolate3229

honestly the audacity to not even throw it away is a whole separate level of disrespect

Heavy-Commercial-323

Yeah, there is no explanation. Do not believe his lies girl

>OOP: I know... you’re right. I’m sitting here looking at it and I feel like I don't even know who he is. He’s supposed to be home in 10 minutes and I’m literally shaking. I keep trying to think of a logical reason but there isn't one. Who even does this? In his own car

Neomash001

Just pack. This will not end well. The evidence is too conclusions. When he comes home, finds you packing, just walk out. Get the rest later. I wouldn't confront. Just a note , by the condom, & where found. Leave. Get your stuff. BLOCK. This one is not your future and not worth a single emotion from you. You deserve so much better. Straighten your crown, and move on.

Update - 3 hours later

alot of you asked for update, it’s over. i’m at my sister's house , when he got home, i didn't even give him a chance to put his keys down. i just held up the bag with the condom in it. he tried the most pathetic lie. he said he found it in the parking lot at his gym and didn't want someone to step on it so he picked it up to throw away later. i just looked at him until he stopped talking. then i showed him the pharmacy receipt from tuesday for the box of condoms. he just slumped onto the couch and started crying. he admitted it’s been happening for about two months with someone from his old job. i didn't even stayed to hear the rest. i just grabbed my clothes, and left. i feel like i’m in a bad movie. three years of my life ended because my phone happened to slide under a seat. i’ve blocked him on everything but he’s already messaged my sister trying to explain himself. thanks for everyone who told me not to believe his lies.

Comments

GiJewTheRealHebrew

Just be glad it ended now and not 5 years further down the line

AdDense1161

Or after children

jonwar5

Or multiple STI's

Update - 1 days later

hey everyone.

thanks for all the support, honestly it’s the only thing keeping me sane right now,

i’m still at my sister’s. i went back to the apartment this morning while he was at work to grab my work clothes and rest of the dog's stuff. it was so surreal being there. i found the rest of the box of condoms hidden in the bottom of a laundry basket. he didn't even try to hide them well. he just didn't care.he’s been blowing up my sister’s phone since i blocked him. he sent this long, rambling text saying he "only did it because he was stressed" and that he "never meant to hurt me." the typical nonsense. i haven't replied and i don't plan to.

my sister has been a total rock. now I'm just trying to figure out how to tell my parents why the wedding (we were planning for next year) isn't happening. honestly, i'm just done. i don't have any more tears left for this. i’m staying with my sister for the foreseeable future and focusing on getting my life back together. i'm closing this chapter today.i really want to thank everyone here for the support and for helping me see things clearly when i was in total shock. you guys probably saved me months, or even years, of more lies.

Comments

MrDaveHedgehog

“ now I'm just trying to figure out how to tell my parents why the wedding (we were planning for next year) isn't happening.”

You’ve done nothing wrong and have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed/anxious/worried about.

Tell them straight exactly why the wedding is off. They’ll have your back instantly and you retain control of yourself and your situation.

Go easy on yourself and then go and treat yourself. You’re back in charge of your life and dodged a bullet with a waster. Enjoy your future.

TARDISkitty

Right?! Still having the wedding, after I caught him cheating would disappoint the hell of of my loved ones. Doing what OP did would just make them proud of me, and disgusted with him.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ayhme posting in r/Renters

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 16th March 2026

Update - 6th May 2026

​

Landlord died and he has no Will or Realtives. What should I do?

​

My landlord passed away over the weekend. He did not have a Will and I'm not aware that he has any close relatives.

There is a reverse mortgage on the home I was told about last week.

I believe the probate process will take a while in the home is likely going to escheat to the state?

A neighbor believes a distant cousin may try and claim the house.

I already reached out to a real estate attorney to get some advice about the situation.

I believe the bank will take the home first if there was a reverse mortgage?

This whole thing was coming for awhile since he was sick but I'm trying to figure out what I should do.

Any advice or tips?

UPDATE - The lease is month-to-month currently. Been here a few years.

UPDATE 2 - Spoke with a real estate lawyer today.

With a Reverse Mortgage the bank will take ownership.

The process generally is slow. She would be surprised if I heard anything for months.

I would get right of first refusal to purchase the home.

Her recommendation was to save the rent money. Sometimes the executor doesn't bother. It can be more hassle for them to get back rent from tenants.

You still legally own rent if I'm here.

UPDATE 3 - The landlord lived in the home. It has 2 apartment units. I am on 2nd floor and he was on the 1st floor.

UPDATE 4 - Unless you are licensed lawyer, most of the advice in this thread from Redditors is totally wrong.

UPDATE 5 - I went into the state land records and saw the landlord created a deed transfer upon death to a friend. He then undid it a few years later. I don't see anything about a Reverse Mortgage but this seems odd.

I assume the only reason to do this is to get a Reverse Mortgage?

​

Comments

​

blueiron0

Open up a new bank account and start depositing your monthly rent into it. It will protect you from eviction by showing a good faith desire to pay.

Once you're made aware of the correct party to pay, you can transfer the escrowed money to them. No matter who takes over, your lease should still be valid.

FilecoinLurker

This. Your lease stays valid as far as I know in every state until the end of the term specified in the lease. Even if ownership changes. Whether or not that new owner will renew your lease is another story. I would look at backup plans if your lease is ending soon

SpringBeginning1298

Start looking for another place to stay because eventually the owner of that reverse mortgage loan is going to come for the property and/or the city is going to come after the property for unpaid property taxes. Ride it out as long as you can though and save up.

>OOP: Thanks. Will do.

PhysicsTeachMom

Like others said, put the rent into a savings account. Also, something similar happened to me. The bank paid me $5,000 to clean up and get out within 45 days. This was over 20 years ago so not sure how much they pay now.

>OOP: Cash for keys? 🔑. I guess it's less expensive for them to pay you to leave.

RandomTreat

Yup. When my dad passed, we didn't want to inherit his financial mess. So we knew the house was going to be reclaimed by the bank at some point. I ended up getting to stay there for free for a year, and they paid me I think about a grand to leave.

​

**Judgement - NTA**

​

Update - 2 months later

​

I posted about how my Landlord Died an he left no Will and does not have Relatives.

Some Redditors wanted updates. :)

1. Rent

I have not paid rent in 3-months but I am putting away the money into a savings account.

Somewhat doubtful anyone will ask about this for a long time.

2. Neighbors

I've met more neighbors in the past month than I ever have in this neighborhood for the past few years.

People stop by to chat when I am outside all the time.

Everyone wants to know what is happening with the home and maintenance. Most are concerned that the home doesn't become an eyesore.

Some want me to rent out the 1st floor unit because they know people that need a place. Some seem interested in buying the home.

This is a desirable neighborhood.

3. Estate

I checked the Register of Wills. Nobody has opened up an estate on the dead landlord.

The clerk said I should enjoy this time. It can take 1-year for something like this to settle.

Some estates he said take years.

4. Friend

The landlord had a friend that loaned him money. This guy is very keen to claim he has rights to the home apparently.

My lawyer said since the owner deeded it back to himself, the friend does not.

5. Liens

There will be a lien on the home for the solar panels and system. I'm unsure how much it will be but likely at least $20k - $30k.

It was an expensive setup at the time installed and it is in the Land Records he used equity in the home to finance it.

There was also someone that stopped by to give the neighbor documents about the Reverse Mortgage?

Supposedly he owed $80k on the home. I don't know if this is true or not yet.

For some reason she gave it the friend the letter without letting me know.

6. Problematic Neighbor

There is a neighbor that used to help landlord go to medical appointments. She has a key to the 1st floor unit and has been entering the unit.

First she was helping clear out food out of the fridges. Helpful imho.

Now she is taking his stuff and donating it. I told her I did not want her doing that.

She is old and senile though. Unsure if I need to get a lawyer involved or something?

She also keeps saying it isn't her business then does stuff like giving the Reverse Mortgage letter to the friend. He's hired a lawyer to investigate whether he can claim the home.

7. Units

The first floor unit is rough.

I was actually quite surprised how my 2nd floor unit is in much better shape. The difference is shocking tbh.

There is an odd smell in the kitchen, which I assume is mold in the walls, cabinets are outdated, all the floor needs to be redone. Many other things.

My friend stopped by to look at at the 1st floor unit. He has done home renovations and does real estate.

He estimated minimum $50k.

"Once you start taking apart these old homes you don't know what problems you are going to find."

The basement could also be converted to another apartment unit potentially.

Last project he did set him back $120,000. The home cost $65k and is now worth $350k.

8. Utilities

I pay for Internet now but I have not paid utilities.

I tried to get the utility to open up an account and it was a big issue. I have no idea why.

The solar panels create a credit back to the utility so I assume that's why they haven't been shutoff yet.

---

That is everything I can think of.

If you have thoughts or advice, please feel free to let me know.

Other questions I'd be happy to try to answer.

UPDATE - The lease states I can use the Washer and Dryer in the basement and have access to the home to do so.

The only way to get to that is going through the 1st floor unit.

​

Comments

​

Pineapple_Towel

You don't own this house either. You should have contingency plans for needing to get out, even with little notice. Keep your things organized and important papers in a bag you can easily grab. Anything precious too. Not a good time to buy expensive new furniture. Continue to save your rent. I would keep that set aside for at least 18 months after the estate is resolved. So get a good interest rate. But you could definitely make it so entry to the 1st floor is not allowed, which could negativelyinpact you in many ways. Change the lock. You don't want damage, looting or squatting. You might want to nail the windows shut and secure all the exterior doors with bracing and you put in. Close the drapes or put up sheets. If there is power set up a light on a timer.

I would also start playing it a lot closer to the vest. Don't let people know so much about the house status. People will take advantage or become accusatory. The person wanting the first floor is looking to set up a squatter. You dont need that. As to the "friends" stop talking to them. Tell them you're busy. Tell neighbors you're busy.

>OOP: You are right and I started to understand that the more people stopped to ask.

>I just say I am keeping the home in shape and not to worry. I don't know anything about the home situation.

>1 neighbor accused me of "Squatting". I informed her I have had a lease here for years and the surrounding neighbors will confirm I have lived in the home.

ikannunAneeuQ

Keep saving and looking to move. My landlord of 10 years died, his giant home was broken up into different size rental units, I rented the attic apartment with my husband and 2 kids. His daughter took over when he died, then about 9 months later she said she was selling it (after she said she wasn't and none of us needed to worry) and kicked us all out. So be ready to need to cut and run.

eatitfatman

Definitely change the locks and keep that neighbor out. Enjoy living rent-free for as long as you can! If you're in the US, it literally could be forever if it never goes to probate and you pay the taxes. It would be smart to put up some no trespassing signs to keep folks from being overly familiar.

>OOP: Good tips. I will probably do that this week. The clerk at the courthouse said sometimes it takes years for someone to open up an estate for someone like this. "Once a distant relative learns there is $500,000 in Apple stock in that person's name, people want those assets."

Majestic_Face_8022

If there’s a mortgage on the property, the lender will be coming to foreclose sooner than later.

>OOP: Yeah I assume I will hear something in a few months.

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/brentonthe posting in r/AITAH

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 5th April 2026

Update - 2nd May 2026

AITAH for letting my boyfriend date his ex

So me (31M) and my boyfriend (24M) have been together for about 8 months. He had told me that he wants to be in a polyamorous relationship. I let them know that I do not have any interest in being poly. He kept bringing up the topic and wanting to open up the relationship. Finally about three months ago, I said I would try it. I said as long as there was communication and he let me know ahead of time that we can try it. My only thing was that I had Mondays and Tuesdays off, so those are our days.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and I find out he has a couple of hangouts planned. And I asked about details of the hangout, and it was this guy (we will call Alec) and he was going to take him out to breakfast and pay for everything. I told him that that was a date. My boyfriend told me no it wasn’t and that it was just friends. He said that this was an old friend and they were gonna catch up. Now here comes the kicker, this was planned on a Monday. I’m off Monday. I let him know this and he said he forgot and he thought I was gonna be sleeping. (background.: I work overnights and I get off at 7:30 AM on Monday. I stay up all day Monday and go to bed at a normal time Monday night. And this is every Monday.) I let it go and told him to enjoy his day.

A couple weeks later was my birthday. I was super excited because one of my love languages is gifts. I love giving gifts and I love receiving gifts and my boyfriend knows this. I know this kind of sounds shallow, but even if it’s homemade and doesn’t cost money, I will love it regardless. My birthday fell on a Monday. I get off work and find out he has plans to meet up with another guy. I thought maybe this was a cover-up so he can get a gift. I was wrong. He admitted to me later that he forgot until my roommate texted him letting him know that it was my birthday and if I was gonna do something. Mind you this was already about 1 PM that he realized it was my birthday. He ran out and got a store-bought cake and some flowers. In my mind, this was strike two, but I let it slide. I was honestly very hurt. We had a big argument, and I thought we had come to another understanding that Mondays and Tuesdays are for us.

A couple weeks after that was Valentine’s Day, on a Saturday. I was really excited and I planned out a whole thing. I had a letter for each hour planned where he would open it and find a love message from me. There were some that had gift cards attached to them (DoorDash, Steam, PlayStation store,etc). His love language is words of affirmation. Some of the love letters were words of affirmation. I was super excited. The day before he lets me know he has a hang out with another guy planned. I was really hurt to be honest. I let him know this and he said that he would be back by the time I was up sleeping. (background: on my work week I get home around 8 AM and go to bed until 12:30 PM. And then I take another nap around 6 PM to 10 PM.) I said OK and waited for him. He didn’t end up coming home until 4 PM. I decided to sacrifice my sleep and stay up to have a Valentine’s Day with my boyfriend.

In the next month, I found out he had reached out to two more of his exes. He wanted to go on a weekend trip with one of them and the other one he was talking to over discord. Mind you the one he was talking to you over Discord broke his heart, and he’s still in love with him. The one over Discord does not have feelings for him whatsoever. The one that he wanted to go on a weekend trip with we will call Eric. He stated that Eric was going to order an Uber for him to his house and he’ll Uber him back at the end of the weekend trip. Mind you the Uber is about $110 one way. Eric was also going to pay for all his food and of course weed for my boyfriend. I felt super uncomfortable with this. I had asked to meet with Eric just to feel him out. We had another argument of where I let him know. I wasn’t comfortable with poly yet. He agreed to set up a dinner so we can meet.

My boyfriend asked me to drive him to Eric‘s house to see if that would calm me down. I said yes that would most likely calm me down and we can have that dinner with Eric. Pass forward to the day of and we get in the car to drive to Eric’s house and he drops on me that we will just do a call and not a dinner. And so we do a phone call and Eric gang up on me and starts asking me questions of why I need to meet his dates. I let him know that I wasn’t comfortable and it would make me feel more comfortable in theory. Eric stated that he has a husband and that I should not put myself through meeting these guys. This did not sit well with me and I got super quiet on the phone. Call where my boyfriend asked me if I was gonna answer. I felt very good on and I said no. I dropped him off to his weekend and left. Eric did pay for gas, which was nice.

In the next month, he knew planned about two more dates with Alec and they were all on Monday. He used that same excuse of forgetting.

A couple weeks ago he came back from his date and he was wearing all new clothes and jewelry and showing off of what his date got him. I felt very uncomfortable and I told him I am not comfortable with Polly anymore. I honestly tried and it is not for me.

My boyfriend has stated that I am overreacting and I am being unfair.

AITAH for this?

Comments

PrudentConstruction3

You don’t have a bf. Drop his ass he’s playing with your time and emotions that man doesn’t care about you

CrystalMus_

NTA. This isn't polyamory, this is him cheating with your reluctant permission. He ignored your boundaries, forgot your birthday for a date, and let his ex-boyfriend gang up on you. He’s 24 and looking for a provider/safety net (you) while he plays the field. Run

[deleted]

No, you’re not the asshole. You tried, communicated your boundaries, and he repeatedly ignored them. You’re allowed to say poly isn’t for you.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 1 month later

Update: so I broke up with him and I decided to continue with my move to Oregon. We were supposed to move together with a roommate of ours, but I told my now ex he couldn’t go. I called the leasing office and told them I want to take him off. They stated that when I pick up the keys I can take him off. (some backstory on what I found when I snooped, my ex was texting his friends and letting them know that he didn’t love me, but he was using me to get to Oregon. He said he was just choosing to love me, but he didn’t see a long-term relationship with me.)

My ex got on a train and went to downtown LA. When my roommate dropped him at the train station I noticed that the times for the downtown LA train were later in the evening. There was a train for Oregon arriving first. I asked my roommate what train he was getting in and he said the one to LA and that he saw him get on that train. I said ok.

A couple days later I made the 18 Hour drive to Oregon with all my pets and stuff. I went to pick up the keys and the leasing office said that my roommate already picked up the keys. I let them know that was impossible since we just got here from California. They let me know it was Angel. I saw red. I was so mad and hurt. I went to my roommate and asked if he knew. He said “oh so he is here. He wasn’t supposed to be here yet.” I was so mad I walked away.

I called some friends and asked for advice as well. I called my roommate and asked him if he knew. He came out and said he had lied and knew that my ex was coming to Oregon. Now I feel trapped in my own home and what was supposed to be a happy occasion turned into a stressful one. My Ex even ate the whole gift basket that was there to welcome us to our new apartment.

I am still trying to figure out what to do because I don’t feel comfortable with him here. If anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear it.

For context: since my ex picked up the keys a couple days before I got here and signed for everything, I couldn’t take them off the lease. Now since it’s been 48 hours after move in (since my ex picked up the keys) there is a form that we can fill out that everyone has to sign it voluntarily.

Comments

Fair_Text1410

NTA. Call the leasing office now. Don't wait on this. This is time sensitive. Don't get stuck on a lease with this guy.

salmalight

Yep, they told him to wait so he waited and he got shafted for it. They need to take you off it ASAP.

NerdySwampWitch40

You need to talk to a tenant rights attorney ASAP. Explain the situation. State that this is a romantic ex partner you had broken up with before the move, that you notified the leasing office in advance, and the leasing office still allowed them access to the unit despite tell you you could handle this when you came to get the keys. Stress that you now no longer feel safe in the home with this person or the roommate who aided them in stalking you.

>OOP: I never thought of this, I’m gonna look up one right now. I really hope they’re open on the weekends.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ikeasbitch posting in r/AITAH

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 27th March 2026

Update - 30th April 2026

AITAH for not telling my housemate I’m moving out and taking everything with me?

I’ve lived with my 2 friends in a house (rented room by room) for 10 months, and around 3 months into this a girl we don’t know moved in to fill the last room.

I was initially excited to have another girl move in as my 2 friends are guys, so I greeted her first when she moved in but my excitement was quickly dulled as her first words to me weren’t “hello” but “what are your plans to clean this place up”. This annoyed me immediately as the place was in pretty good condition but I explained the way we clean and tidy (clean up after ourselves with a weekly cleaning day) which happened to fall the day after she moved in.

I showed her around explaining what belonged to who, what was communal etc and then let her settle in but there was already problems the next day when we found she had used various things of ours to cook and then half arsed washing them, leaving dirty food and stains on our dishes and utensils.

This happened a few times before one of my friends explained we didn’t mind her using our stuff until she got her own, provided she actually cleaned it after. She then shouted at me for 15 minutes even though I wasn’t the one that even brought it up and said I was trying to “look good in front of the boys” (Who have been my friends for years).

Cue the laundry list of issues we’ve faced over the past 7 months.

She uses the clothes drying racks 5 days a week not accounting for the other 3 of us in the house, still won’t clean our dishes, has cracked the wood on our chopping boards using them as lids for hot frying pans, leaves her hair all over the bathroom and kitchen floor, uses all of my freezer space leaving me with none, leaves the microwave and air fryer dirty, leaves pee and period blood on the toilet seat and takes my pads, tampons, razors etc without asking. These are a quarter of our grievances which we have tried to address, only for her anger to be directed solely at me.

The house has never been in worse condition and her only solution is to complain at us for the mess (90% of it is obviously hers) then ask us to send her money to buy cleaning products (we have plenty) and then not help with the weekly clean.

Me and my other 2 housemates have been looking for a reason to leave and I just got a new job opportunity, so we took this chance to find a 3-bed flat to rent as a whole and are moving in next week.

The thing is that 90% of the things in this house are bought by us. We will be taking the toaster, microwave, kettle, drying racks, air fryer, our pots and pans, the iron, hoover, and much more.

Pretty much all our communication with her is now through me as the boys refuse to talk to her (for various other reasons), so I have decided to not even bother letting her know and let her find out when A - she notices people coming for viewings, or B - the moving van arrives.

We didn’t expect her to buy things we already used communally but she has maybe twice ever contributed to this household financially, so she can deal with buying her own stuff and learn to clean up by her own messes.

AITAH for not telling her?

EDIT!!

As it’s a room by room renting situation she will NOT have to leave or experience an increase in rent or bills, and the landlord is the person organising viewings

EDIT 2!

I’m not worried about taking my things obviously, I payed for them, the same goes for the guys. This is about the fact that she will not be aware that there will be next to no household basics or furnishings until they’re gone.

Comments

DontDreamItsOver3

No you're not TA, but I strongly recommend you go ahead and remove anything that is very important to you and that she uses regularly and store it somewhere temporarily until move out day, so that if she figures it out, she can't mess with things that you truly value. She sounds petty and like someone who'd try to sabotage your stuff or take things.

>OOP: This is a very good point I may need to to hide some things

Birdlebee

To be blunt, YOU especially need to do this. She's focused on you in a way she's not focused on the guys. If you own anything that the sudden lack of would be a major problem - work uniforms, the laptop that holds your whole dissertation, medicine, pets, beloved sentimental items, expensive electronics - those things ought to exit the house first. Edit: and cosmetics, jewelry, toiletries and any clothing that could fit her, since she seems to think girl stuff is communal property.

BulbasaurRanch

Obviously not Why would taking your possessions make you the asshole?

>OOP: It’s more than I’m not telling her and basically leaving her with nothing on zero notice

BulbasaurRanch

This girl thinks you’re all assholes regardless of what you do, and she doesn’t sound like someone whose opinion matters. So some random girl from your eventual past doesn’t like you. Oh well, you don’t have to deal with her anymore. You’re overthinking this about someone you don’t care about and won’t see again

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 1 month later

Posted about a month ago about nightmare housemate and my evacuation plan and I’m finally updating you all!

We actually did not move out when we were meant to as it turns out the prospective landlord did not have the correct licensing and couldn’t produce it when requested. Luckily still had some tenancy left, we got our deposit back and found a better and cheaper flat and moved in last week which is going great!

On to the roomie reaction…

She got home from work early and found me taping up a box with my door open and asked me “Are you leaving?”. Turns out she knew this already, but still individually asked me and my housemates if we were leaving and asked us each to leave behind a few possessions so she had “just one thing”

We did not leave anything of ours except from our shower curtain which she had stained with hair dye (yes we took the toilet paper and cleaning supplies as she never bought any ever).

It was honestly quite a calm departure except from messages asking how much things were and last ditch efforts to get us to leave her things. and her telling me to take out the bin on my way out 😂

A few days later she rang me 4 times but I didn’t see them as I was at work. When I did see the calls I just blocked her number and have never been in such bliss.

We can all walk around our flat without feeling uncomfortable and I haven’t been shouted at once in my own home (long may this continue) and the boys also stepped up on move out and laid down the law so I had backup!

New job, new home, life is great

Thanks for all the advice

Comments

plantsandpizza

I had a roommate like this years ago. I moved out while she was away for the weekend. I’d told her but she tried to tell me I wasn’t allowed to 😂 (I absolutely was). I went in her room and filled a trash bag of my belongings she’d taken without permission. The best part - her computer monitor broke and she was borrowing an extra of mine, it was her only screen (this was back in the day before smartphones). I obviously took that shit back knowing her broke ass couldn’t afford to get another for awhile 😂. The image of her coming home to me gone and no screens still makes me chuckle.

>OOP: You achieved what my original goal was, great revenge story! 😂.

KiwiSoySauce

I'm glad you were able to leave rather smoothly. Did you have to replace any of the stuff she (mis)used?

>OOP: We replaced our microwave because we couldn’t get the stink out of it (she genuinely cooked fish in it) but other than that and the chopping boards everything else is usable

The_Blitz_01

Still, I hope you didn't leave the microwave for her! Better to throw it out than leave her anything.

>OOP: We didn’t, i was feeling petty 😂

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/LightningStr posting in r/AmItheAsshole

Concluded as per OOP

3 update - Long

Original - 27th May 2019

Update1 - 16th June 2020

Update2 - 14th October 2022

Update3 - 17th October 2023

AITA for raining on my cousin's parade regarding the name she picked out for her baby?

My cousin Stephanie and I are really more friends than relatives. An important note is that she's not really online much, so can be out of the loop on certain memes and jokes in internet culture, and tbh, doesn't really understand the concept of viral internet references or how they work.

Stephanie is pregnant and just found out it's going to be a girl. About a week ago, she told a gathering of her best girlfriends that she's going to name her daughter Karen. The room instantly went cold, but after an awkward silence, everyone else politely said it was lovely. I couldn't bring myself to respond at all. Later in the evening, when Stephanie was out of the room, everyone was immediately like, "OMG, that poor kid," and "why would she pick Karen of all names?!" I was uncomfortable with this conversation, given that everyone had been so positive about the name to her face.

I thought more about it over the next couple of days, and just felt really weird about the whole thing. The name is really loaded, to the point it could be detrimental to the baby, and Stephanie had no idea of the connotations to make an informed decision.

So a couple of days later, I tentatively brought it up. I told her I was so excited for the baby, and just wanted her to have all available information when picking a name. I then started to explain that Karen has some negative connotations and has become sort of an internet joke to describe a specific kind of entitled middle aged woman. Stephanie instantly was furious and started talking over me, saying, "why are you saying this?! This is so mean!!" I was really surprised by her reaction (it felt very, very out of character), so I immediately stopped and said, "I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I just wanted to tell you something I thought you might not know."

She replied, "That's the name I picked for my daughter. And you think I picked it as some kind of joke?! I don't understand why you'd say something so hurtful." When she said that, I felt like it signaled that she didn't really understand what I was trying to tell her, so after agonizing for a second about whether to press the issue even though she was so angry, I felt like in for a penny, in for a pound, and since she was already mad, I wanted her to at least understand what I was trying to explain to her. I googled "Karen know your meme" on my phone and tried to show her the screen of results while saying, "look, I'm just saying that there's more meaning to the name than you may realize."

She stood up, pushed my phone away, and shouted, "Wow!!" She then stormed out of my home and drove away. My aunt and mom have been berating me all week, because Stephanie told them that I made fun of her baby name. Stephanie has not spoken to me or responded to my texts since.

I can take a hint, and I'm not going to broach a topic again that caused so much distress, but I keep going back and forth on whether I was TA here by bringing it up in the first place.

Edit: Thanks, everyone! I have been properly schooled, and I accept my judgement that I was TA here. Stephanie and I have a history of being extremely open and honest with each other (I was the maid of honor in her wedding, which we planned on being the case from a young age, and we always joked as teenagers that part of my duties would include talking her out of the marriage if the groom she picked sucked), and so maybe I was too flippant with approaching this topic due to our history, and was unempathetic in underestimating how much she was already invested in the name she chose for her future daughter. I admit I'm a bit frustrated that Stephanie still doesn't understand what I was trying to tell her (she still thinks I was making some kind of weird, cruel joke accusing her of picking the name as a joke), but I have messaged her a sincere apology that she accepted, and I will never speak of this again, to Stephanie or Baby Karen. I'll also stand up for Stephanie if her other friends shit talk the name around me again. If they're not willing to voice their thoughts to Stephanie directly, they need to not say the kinds of things they were saying behind her back.

Edit 2: One more thing: I definitely was not trying to tell Stephanie to not name her daughter Karen. I just wanted her to make the decision either way knowing the connotations, since I'd want someone to do the same for me if I picked a baby name with cultural baggage I wasn't aware of. I realize now I handled it poorly and was hurtful to Stephanie in the process, but I just wanted to be clear that I wasn't actively trying to talk her out of the name. I just didn't want her to be blindsided if it came up later.

Comments

eatandread

YTA. You really think it's going to matter when this kid's older? It's a meme.

Oh and for anyone pregnant or planning to have kids, this is why you don't reveal the name until they're born. Someone's always got something stupid to say, no matter what.

fruskydekke

Yeah, precisely. Internet memes come and go in a flash, I think OP is massively exaggerating the likelihood that the associations will stick around.

ellieze

YTA I am aware of the Karen meme but come on, it's a totally normal name. I can't believe so many of you would take a meme so seriously.

ETA: Guys, please calm down and stop messaging me about what a terrible person I am every time there is an update to this story. Obviously I didn't think the name Karen was going to end up with an even more negative connotation than it had several years ago or that it would be so mainstream. I don't even understand how this fairly tame two sentence comment I made three years ago has elicited so many aggressive reactions.

helen790

NAH

You were just informing her of the connotations surrounding the name.

**Judgement - Strangely YTA (those its just a meme comments from 7 years ago did not age well)**

Update - 1 year later

My post last summer wasn't the most exciting or dramatic on AITA, but I wanted to provide an update if anyone is interested.

Baby Karen was born healthy and happy back in October. She's an absolute sweetheart of a baby, and I'm totally in love with her. Between March and May, I didn't get to see her at all in person, but I was doing regular FaceTime/House Party calls with Stephanie and Karen, and over the last few weeks, I've been going over to Stephanie's house to sit in her backyard and chat with Stephanie/coo at Karen from a lengthy distance.

I have two reasons for updating. First, I've realized since Karen's birth that her name has taken on new meaning to me. When I'm with her, Karen just means her, and I don't think about the other connotations. In other words, you guys were right!

That said, though, my second reason for updating is that Stephanie got back into her years-unused Facebook at the beginning of the pandemic to keep in touch with people. She's been on it pretty regularly lately for the first time in years (historically, she's not really been into social media). Most people in our area/social circle have been posting really heavily about BLM and the protests happening right now, as well as racial justice issues more generally. As a result, Stephanie has now come into contact with a deluge of Karen memes for the first time, and found them confusing and horrifying, especially the use of "Karen" as shorthand for a racist. I've basically just declined to talk about it with Stephanie, because it went so poorly last time, but both my mother and her mother have hounded me about it because it's upsetting to Stephanie, and said things like, "Is this what you were talking about before? Why didn't you say so? Why didn't you explain it better?! You should have told Stephanie!!"

And Jesus wept!! You really can't win.

Thanks again for all your feedback on my last post! It was very helpful in giving me some Zen about the situation.

Comments

BadgerHooker

Oh my gosh, are they serious?? “It’s not my fault you guys didn’t believe me!” And you are a SAINT for not saying “I told you so.”

>OOP: To be fair, Stephanie has been cool about it. First, she saw a bunch of posts about "the Central Park Karen" when that white lady was harassing the black birdwatcher in the park, and came to me asking me to explain why everyone was calling the woman Karen when her name was Amy. (Since she's gotten back on Facebook, she often asks me to be like her internet culture "interpreter."). I immediately told her, "Sorry, I'm not having a conversation with you about this, because we had a major conflict over it last year, and I'm not getting into it with you." I think that was the first time she started to understand what I'd been telling her last year. And in fairness to her, she didn't bring it up with me again after that.
As for my mom and aunt, they're kind of generally ridiculous. They tend to be extremely reactive to whatever is going on precisely at that moment, and if someone in the family is upset, they get overinvolved trying to "fix" it. Stephanie has been venting to her mom about this (not about me, just how upsetting the memes are), and she and my mom have just been doing their normal thing of blowing it out of proportion, and now making it my fault somehow. I love my mom and aunt dearly, but they're not to be reasoned with.

BadgerHooker

Good on you for how you told her that you weren’t going to discuss it. I bet she feels like a bit of an ass right now because she knows. And yeah, your mom and aunt remind me of busybody older ladies that sit and gossip and cluck at each other about “what a shame...” ugh.. I am rolling my eyes just imagining it.

siliril

To be fair to r/aita*, hindsight is 2020, (LOL) and I don't recall a year ago that Karen had the same racist element to it that it now does. Or maybe it did but that's been definitely kicked into high-gear with the current zeitgeist. In any case, how's it feel to be vindicated after the initial yta judgement?*

>OOP: That's true! Last year, I feel like a "Karen" was a middle-aged woman with a Kate Middleton Gosselin haircut who demanded to speak to managers. Now, the meaning has evolved to include a white woman of any age calling the police on black people for going about their normal lives. I think the name is probably even more loaded and widespread than it was then.

>To be honest, it's nice to feel like I maybe didn't step in it as much as I thought I did last year, but I'd much rather live in a world where I wasn't worried about this potentially affecting Baby Karen later on. I cannot stress enough what an amazing and perfect baby she is and how much she deserves only good things in life.

kolaida

I think she will be fine. She can redeem the Karen name and most of her peers will probably just laugh it off and ask if she's found her Chad or something along those lines (if her peers even pay attention to that meme). As long as she has a sense of humor, it'll be fine.

>OOP: I really, really hope so! Kids can be so cruel, though. I have a name that is somewhat unusual but doesn't really have any negative connotations, and my peers still gave me a hard time over it as much as they could. One boy in my year was named Dexter, though, and he was just brutally bullied over it. And Dexter was at least the hero of the show!

>I'm keeping my fingers crossed, though, that it won't play out that way for Karen.

cnh25

Oh wow I didn’t even know a Karen was a thing over a year ago... as far as I knew, it really caught wind a few months ago. But yeah, you can’t win! Haha. At least you tried. Hopefully by the time Karen is old enough to go to school no one will remember what a Karen is... maybe.

>OOP: Weirdly, I've been hearing the term for years. I used to work retail several years ago, and I heard it thrown around a lot in relation to entitled customers. I think it originally came from a Dane Cook routine. I started seeing the memes and Reddit posts for the first time a bit after that, maybe 2017-ish. And then I feel like by late 2018 or early 2019, it felt like it was everywhere.

Update - 2 years later

Hi all, I've gotten a few PMs over the last couple years asking for updates, and since we just celebrated Karen's third birthday, I wanted to circle back to anyone following this story.

First of all, Baby Karen (not so much a baby anymore!) is doing amazingly on her developmental milestones! She's a very bright child, sharp as the sharpest tack, and extremely tuned into her environment. Some of what she says is already fully in complete sentences, which just makes me want to cry when I hear it, because it seems like Stephanie was giving birth just yesterday. Karen loves books already, and will intently study the pictures in them for huge stretches of time and claim to be "reading." And you would not believe the uncomfortably incisive questions she's already asking. I am fully convinced this child is going to grow up to be an actual genius.

Regarding the name: unfortunately, when Karen started daycare earlier this year, she started getting grief for her name pretty quickly from the older kids. The daycare she attends mixes the ages together at a couple of different points throughout the day, and while there fortunately wasn't much direct bullying, two of the age-5s must have heard and internalized the derogatory connotations of the name Karen at home. As a result, they found her name absolutely hysterical, and they kind of spread the idea to the other kids that there was something funny/wrong about her name. Karen was too little to understand what was happening, but found the other kids' behavior toward her generally upsetting. The daycare staff made every effort to shut it down, and let Stephanie and her husband know right away. After about a month of this, where the daycare wasn't having much success putting the kibosh on this behavior, and the kids weren't dropping it, Stephanie and her husband made the decision that Karen would be going by "Karrie" from now on, which was already an established nickname that a lot of family and friends were already using, and that Karen already recognized as referring to herself.

Stephanie and I never really fully revisited what happened during her pregnancy, but when she was telling me about what was happening in daycare, she apologized to me. I immediately felt terrible and reassured her there was no reason to apologize, emotions are complicated when you're pregnant, and that I thought having Karen go by Karrie was a great solution. (Though changing what you're used to calling someone is fucking hard, I've found, and I'm still directly addressing her on manual mode, every single time.)

A lot of the responses I got to my last post were gleeful and leaned into the schadenfreude of the situation, and I have to say those responses really bummed me out. I would much, much rather live in a world where I was wrong about the impact Karen's name would have on her. I cannot emphasize enough what a sweet-dispositioned, smart, curious, loving little girl Karrie is, and how much she deserves every good thing in life.

Also: a lot of people didn't like Stephanie in my last post, but I need you to understand that this is a tiny snapshot of a very emotionally high-strung time in her life, and overall, Stephanie is a wonderful lifelong friend. She has gotten me through so many personal crises over the years, and she will never fail to show up for the people she cares about. Being pregnant and having a strong emotional attachment to the name you've picked out for your daughter is completely understandable, and her pregnancy was pretty rough on her moods. (She once wept uncontrollably at a cat food commercial when she was about seven months pregnant.) I also think my approach for trying to explain the name issue those years ago was very clumsy, and I could have done a better job of bringing it up. That said, with the distance of time, I am really glad I did broach the topic. I feel like I owed Stephanie that information, and I can feel good about giving it to her. If I'd chosen not to bring it up at the time, I think I'd have a lot of regrets now. The only thing I'd change now, looking back, is that I would try to bring it up more gently somehow with Stephanie so I could have had the chance to explain.

In summary: all is well! We've run into a little bump in the road with other kids' reactions to Karrie's name, but in some ways, it's better to get this out of the way now, when Karrie doesn't really understand what's happening, than have this happen in kindergarten or elementary school down the road, when full-on bullying could be a risk. She's adjusting really well to going by her nickname full-time, and Stephanie and her husband are planning on enrolling her with "Karrie" as her preferred name in all future schooling. And since schools around here go by preferred name rather than legal name in things like classroom roll-calls, it's possible she can get through K-12 without it ever really being widely known among her peers that her legal name is Karen. (And I really hope this common usage of the name Karen dies down in the next few years!)

Edit: Really disappointed to be getting hate messages directed at Karrie, wishing that terrible things befall her and calling her the c-word. Please remember she's an innocent child.

Edit 2: Point of clarification: the boys at daycare apparently didn't know that Karen was a name. The way they'd heard it used at home made them think it was just a term used to insult people, and that it might be a "bad word." That's why they found it so funny, because, in their worldview, it was like meeting someone named "fart face" or "asshole." The daycare staff explained to them that Karen is a real name, and that lots of people are named Karen, and of course they tried their best to curtail the mockery, but nothing really helped until the name change and a little bit of time had passed. Things at the daycare are now back to normal, the other kids are calling her Karrie, and everyone has (fortunately) moved on.

Edit 3: Please don't harass Redditors who gave a YTA judgement on my first post. They gave their honest judgment at the time in an online space specifically set up for that purpose. I didn't post on an advice sub, I posted on a judgment sub, and there's no reason to call people to the mat for judgments I asked for, made in good faith, from three years ago.

Comments

[deleted]

So Stephanie can only dish out… what a great friendship you have. LMAO. I’m sorry, but y’als “friends” suck. Your mom and aunt who l blamed you, as well. Gosh I’m glad I have 2 friends and low contact with crazy people.

>OOP: Stephanie is genuinely a great friend and a good person! She once dropped everything and drove 300 miles because I had just been in a (relatively minor) car accident in a city I lived all alone in as a young adult. She once gifted me $1500, no questions asked, and insisted I never even think about paying it back, when I needed to get out of a really bad cohabiting situation while broke. When we were teenagers and the cool boy she had a massive crush on made fun of me for something I was extremely sensitive about, instead of keeping quiet, she blew her top, stuck up for me and told him off, then led me away to comfort me away from him. She is loyal and kind and has incredible character. This post is such a tiny, tiny snapshot of who she is as a person.

>When I raised my concerns, Stephanie was emotional, very pregnant, and somewhat sleep deprived. Her pregnancy was rough on her body, and on top of hormones, I think she was just genuinely confused by what I was trying to tell her.

Update - 1 year later

For those of you who have contacted me asking for an update, I wanted to circle back and close the book on the Baby Karen/Karrie chapter.

As of last month, Karrie is now legally Caroline [Lastname], and she has even been issued a new birth certificate with her new legal name. The daycare bullying issues had already died down since Stephanie and her husband switched to calling her Karrie, but this legal name change now means that the "Karen" issue won't crop up again when she starts school. There were also some other minor incidents that pushed Stephanie and her husband to make that decision around a legal name change. They were getting to the point where, almost any time they were having to provide Karen's legal name to get a service, they were getting an immediate reaction, even from adults. It was usually just a meaningful look, but barbed comments were not unusual.

The final straw was when they were at the airport getting ready to fly to visit Stephanie's in-laws with Karrie. The TSA agent at security made a snarky comment, and then later when they needed to ask the gate agent about their seats, the gate agent rudely laughed at seeing Karrie's ticket, then showed the gate agent standing next to her, who just shook her head and said, "poor kid" to her co-worker while fully ignoring Stephanie and her husband. (And they had this interaction in front of Karrie.) Something about that day in the airport was a turning point for Stephanie and her husband, and they started the name change process as soon as they got home. It was much easier than they were expecting, and cost a grand total of $30!

Karrie is a joyful, sociable little girl, and while it's impossible to know right now if these negative experiences caused any lasting damage (and I sincerely hope they did not!), I'm happy to see that she continues to be a very outgoing, confident child.

The conversation with Stephanie I mentioned in my October update was awkward and brief, but we've actually gotten back into it a few times since. Stephanie has apologized profusely for her initial reaction when we first talked, I've apologized for approaching things so poorly, and not telling her right away about what our friends were saying behind her back, and in those conversations, we mainly ended up focusing on the resulting spiraling of my mom and aunt and what a mess that turned into. Together we've started to unpack some of the intergenerational shit around our family issues.

To provide some of that context, our maternal grandparents were a nightmare. Our grandfather was an authoritarian revivalist preacher who was physically abusive and referred to himself as the "spiritual leader" and ultimate authority of the family. Our grandmother was a manipulative narcissist who psychologically tormented my mom and aunt for their entire childhoods. As a result, my mom and aunt trauma bonded considerably during their childhood, and grew into extremely anxious and reactive adults. Any whiff of conflict sends them into panic mode, and in our family, we have these well-worn grooves of behavioral habits with my mom and aunt overreacting to anything that feels like discord, and scrambling to clumsily "smooth" things over.

As a result, Stephanie and I have both been working hard to build better boundaries with our moms' generation, and have agreed to be really cautious about what information we give them, especially anything that is highly emotional. I've been in therapy for a couple of years now, and Stephanie also started therapy late last year. We've been talking about the ways that my grandparents traumatizing our moms caused intergenerational issues that impacted us, and Stephanie is determined that the cycle ends with her, and that these issues will not go on to touch Karrie.

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words, both here on my profile posts and on the best-of-updates reposts, which I've also been reading. I've gotten some incredibly thoughtful and kind messages, which have meant a lot to me, even if I haven't had the chance to respond to all of them.

For those who may still want to be critical of Stephanie, I again want to emphasize how out of character her initial reaction was, and how much physical, hormonal, and emotional upheaval she was in at the time. These posts are a teeny-tiny window into just one aspect of the dynamic, funny, kind, caring full human being that is my cousin and best friend. Stephanie has been my most loyal and trusted friend for pretty much my entire life, and she has fully earned some grace for reacting less than perfectly to my [extremely clumsy] approach when she was sleep deprived, hormonally wrecked, and brain fogged. Stephanie has read these posts now as well, along with most of your comments, and (after I explained to her what Reddit is) they were helpful to both of us in our talks about our weird family dynamic.

I can't imagine I'll have any more updates down the line, but thanks for following along the last few years.

Edit: One final reminder as this is being posted in the updates sub: please don't tag or send harassing messages or comments to anyone who gave me a YTA judgment three years ago. People gave me an honest judgment based on the information available at the time, and I was specifically soliciting judgments rather than advice. Hindsight is always 20/20, and I'm appreciative of people giving me the perspective I was asking for three years ago, regardless of how things turned out.

Comments

AnafietheGreat

I have a lot to say regarding this update and all the previous posts.

Firstly I have no clue how anyone in the original post could have called you TA. You were being a good friend and explaining the negative connotations of the name. Think about it... hundreds of years later and we don't name girls Jezzabelle.

Yet Stephanie not only said you were making fun of her but refused not only to not listen to you op nor even try to understand, but then doubled down and refused to even look into it. And then sent the flying monkeys after you. If your mom and aunt are like you said they are then she knew what telling then would do. Yes I can forgive her being hormonal and pregnant and probably not thinking clearly but it took over 4 years for you to get an apology. She should have apologized at least for telling your parents and blowing the situation up within a year of the initial incident.

Then not even when little Carrie is getting bullied in daycare do they think to change her name. They were told the kids viewed it as a cuss word, like AH or fvkface and still they didn't change her name.

The worst part however is that they didn't even consider legally changing her name until they were made fun of and their parenting and decision making skills were mocked and made fun of. Yeah it sucks a four year old was there for what those TSA agents said, but seriously, she's four highly unlikely she understood her name was being picked on. But your cousin and her husband knew and this time it wasn't their poor daughter being mocked but them and now they see it as a problem and now they want to apologize to you.

OP you're taking way way way too much blame for your cousin's reaction. You were a real one and did what her other so called friends didn't. Although judging her reaction I bet they had a reason for not telling her. Something tells me they knew she would react the way she did.

VegemilB

Kids are growing up with that usage of "Karen" as part of their social environment, so what the original YTA voters were thinking when they thought it would fade with time, we'll never know. Yes, it's a judgment sub and not an advice sub, but that means they made a poor judgment call on this.

OP is nice enough not to lord it over her mother and aunt. I would. OP loves Stephanie too much so I understand why she doesn't do it to her, but the mother and aunt would never hear the end of it if I was OP.

Because Stephanie was stubborn and f'd around, now she found out. Now she has to reckon with messing up her own daughter's development and having to potentially deal with an identity crisis at a formative time in her life. Sure, she was hormonal and all the other excuses OP could use to rationalize it away, but it's poor Caroline who has to pay the price.

Next time OP, stand your ground and explain to Stephanie that naming their future son Adolf or Deez is not a good idea.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Parking-Potato-9891 posting in r/raisedbynarcissists

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 6th March 2026

Update - 28th April 2026

Kept the birth of my child private and now I’m paying for it.

Hello! So I posted this situation in another community but it got taken down so I wanted to try again here because a lot of commenters on the last post recommended this one.

I had a baby just over a month ago. My husband and I decided we wanted everything about the delivery to be private- no visitors at all. We just thought it may reduce some stress, and we felt it was an intimate moment for just the two of us to share.

Anyway, my delivery was long and hard and ended in a c section. We ended up not telling anybody that our baby was born until about 24 hours after the fact because we were just exhausted and wanted to be sure nobody showed up without an invitation.

My husband’s family reacted so well to the news, they were super excited for us. My parents did not react well. My dad blew up on us saying we should be ashamed of ourselves, and how dare i break the news so late to them since they “helped pay for my college”, “came to emergency situations”, and raised me….My mom then sent me and my husband a message basically guilting us for the decision we made and for not telling them sooner.

The next day my dad sent me this long, hateful message essentially saying I did my parents wrong, I’m abusive, my husband is abusing me(my husband is literally perfect so I don’t know where this came from) and that I will “be on an island alone with no love and support”. I responded and said I was sorry their feelings were hurt. I tried to understand where all these accusations were coming from, that I thought it was not right that we were getting treated this way for a decision that was ours to make, and that I was hurt that he would treat me this way and not even ask how I was doing so freshly postpartum when I’m already dealing with enough as is. My dad basically blew me off saying he didn’t ask how I was doing because I should just be giving this information without him having to ask, that he would not be following the rules we made for our child because we “do not control” him, and to not bother inviting him to see me and the baby because he “is done and to have a good life”.

This whole situation is sad and this reaction is just insane. My dad hasn’t spoken to me since, and I don’t feel like I should reach out at this point even though I feel sad about things going this way. My mom eventually said she felt bad for the way they acted but is now acting like nothing ever happened and I don’t know how to feel about that… I just want to know if I’m missing something and treated them poorly? I feel in my core that I just want to be done because it feels so exhausting pretending everything is fine but I also don’t want to lose contact with my family. This is just confusing and frustrating.

Comments

aquagurl84

Well, your dad is a grade A prick and your mom is his flying monkey. I would say to let your dad have his wish and don’t bother contacting him. Focus on your sweet baby and the family you’ve started. It may get resolved in time, or not, but either way, take your time to decide how or if you want to resolve this.

Corredespondent

For a guy who told you he won’t follow your rules for your child, his rejection makes it easier to protect your child. And the unspoken part of “you don’t control me” is “I control you.”

BumblebeeSuper

You're only going to pay for it if you keep in contact.

Your mother of all people should know better. This is the most vulnerable time of your life.

Nothing. Else. Matters.

This is the one time in your life where everything is about YOU and your BABY. Anyone who tries to detract from that are not good people to have in your life.

Maybe when you're healed and settled you can try to reconnect but I wouldn't waste my breath.

RandoCollision

Absolutely. OP, if you allow your folks to establish a close relationship with your child, they sound like the type that will threaten to sue for grandparents' rights if you decide to pull back. Not to suggest they will succeed, but it would be a lot of stress and possibly, lawyer fees to get the case dismissed. You know them better than anybody on Reddit does, but if their entitlement in this situation is not unusual, protect your baby, your husband, and yourself by going low contact. If they ask you why you don't let them see the baby, tell them what your father said about your boundaries is enough to cut all contact. It would be nice if he left that on a text or voice mail.

>OOP: I really hate the thought of all this. I partially feel like I have an obligation to get this ironed out because theyre my parents but at the same time I think the only thing that would possibly get that going is for me to apologize to them and I’m certainly not doing that. So we’ve just been at a stalemate for over a month now…unfortunate.

Update - 2 months later

So 3 months later, my dad still isn’t talking to me. He hasn’t seen my baby, hasn’t reached out, nothing. Honestly the whole not talking to me thing isn’t even what makes me so upset-it’s that apparently his pride and entitlement is more important than knowing my baby. It’s so hard to not just boil over the fact that he’s acting this way.

My grandma (my dad’s mom) accidentally sent a text that was clearly not meant for me…she was texting me asking how we were doing and I replied we were doing good and I was taking baby’s 1 month pictures and that I would send her some of them when I was finished. About 5 minutes later she text “(my name) is taking baby’s 1 month pictures and that she would send them…uh ok?🤷🏼‍♀️”…. If you don’t want pictures of my baby just say that. Maybe I’m reading too far into that text, but it just got me so angry because I’m confident that was meant for my dad to get him pissed off. Just a little more context to why that would piss him off- we asked everyone that was going to receive pictures of our baby to not post them or send them to anyone and my dad lashed out at me saying I wasn’t going to “control how he loves his grand baby” as if exploiting the baby is a way to love…ok. Anyway, this was really disappointing because I’ve always had a good relationship with my grandmother but now I feel I can’t trust her. On top of that she went from texting me several times a week to not talking to me for 3 weeks straight, then proceeded to text my mom and sister asking if I was okay because she hadn’t heard from me as if I’ve been ignoring her. This whole thing with her just has me irritated.

I let my mom come to visit once. The visit went fine, but I can’t help to feel like our relationship is ruined. I didn’t enjoy the visit, I just felt the memories of what happened immediately postpartum looming over my head. I’m just waiting for the day she “suggests” I reach out to my dad. Which I won’t be doing. My mom does things that make me so angry like asking my sister to send her pictures of my baby when she knows the rules are-nobody is supposed to send pictures of my baby to anyone. My sister never sends her the pictures. My sister has been so amazing. I don’t know what I would do without her. Mom asking my sister for pictures makes me feel like she doesn’t care about the boundaries we set and she has no problem being sneaky to get what she wants. Another thing she keeps saying is “when are yall coming down to visit?” Visit for what? To hang out until my dad comes home and a big fight breaks out in front of my baby? For him to just get what he wants after treating me and my husband like garbage? No thanks.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m overreacting to all of these things. I’m just so physically tired with everything that comes with the baby. I adore my baby, that child is the light of my life. It’s just hard! I think I have some postpartum rage or depression or something that really amps up my feelings in regard to all of this. I’m just so incredibly angry about it all. Some days I can forget about it if I put my phone on dnd and keep busy. Other days I feel myself just stewing in anger and sadness over how my family has been perfectly comfortable treating me, my husband, and my sweet baby.

Anyway, posting here last time really helped me feel better so I thought I’d do it again. Thanks to everyone who commented last time, I never could have responded to all of those but they were so appreciated🫶🏻.

Comments

BigBirdsBrain

You set clear boundaries and they’re choosing pride over connection, that’s on them not you. Protect your peace and your baby, you’re not overreacting.

>OOP: I appreciate you saying that

DogsNCoffeeAddict

They wanted bragging rights and to be able to tell people they are special and all that. But you didn’t obey them so naturally they are sulking because they are not special and your mom has to hear from your dad how awful and mean you are, of course she is not going to look at you the same. She chose her spouse over her grown kid. Actions have consequences though and their consequences are missing out on a lifetime of bragging rights about their grandkid and how special he/she (forgot baby’s gender sorry) is. They really chose pride over having something to actually be proud of and they are proud of their decisions.

spankthegoodgirl

Protect your child. At all costs. PROTECT. YOUR. CHILD.

They are not entitled to anything, including, but not limited to: time, pictures, hugs, holidays, gift-giving, visits, compromises, events, etc, etc.

Yes, you do have the control. As you should. As every good parent should. He's upset because you took away his binky and blankie... control, and now he's throwing the father of all hissy fits,complete with flying monkeys doing his bidding (mom and wife).

You are NOT overreacting. Let your momma bear side out and rip into anyone that thinks they can break or bend the rules.

"My house, my child, my rules. End of story." Should be your mantra for the rest of your life. For anyone.

He's showing you exactly why you shouldn't cave...because he's not emotionally mature enough to know what the best thing is for a baby. His needs and feelings come first. Fuck his feelings.

My favorite thing to say: Just because someone is upset at you, doesn't mean you did the wrong thing or made the wrong decision. I'm so sorry your dad is an emotional toddler.

>OOP: Thank you for this! I’m a very non confrontational person so sometimes I need this encouragement. It’s already hard enough navigating this parenting thing for the first time, let alone throwing in a giant man toddler pitching fits really makes things frustrating.

spankthegoodgirl

I hear you. You have excellent instincts, momma! You can tell he won't be safe with the baby. People who can't listen to parents rules don't get time with baby. Period. That should be "one rule to rule them all".

There's a book called something like "emotionally immature parents" and I've been meaning to read it, but since both of mine are dead, I have no pressing need. You might want to look into it.

As for you, how are You?? Has any of these "family members" asked you about you? Or do they just care about getting what they want out of you? You take care of yourself, honey. They don't seem to know how to care about anything but themselves.

From experience, it's really difficult seeing parents and family members act so childish when they don't get there way and as much as you may want grandparents for your squish, please use extreme caution. These people rarely change and often get worse as they age. Don't let nostalgia or a longing for parents override your instincts to protect yourself and your baby.

Congratulations on your squish, by the way! You're doing an excellent job!

>OOP: You are too sweet🫶🏻 I feel like I’m doing well aside from the hormones screwing with me! I pointed out to my dad how he never asked how me or baby was doing and he said he didn’t ask because I should have been updating them without them having to ask…yes I was so worried about texting you while having a baby cut out of my body…

spankthegoodgirl

"Sorry dad, got a baby to think about. The texting works both ways. Be an adult and use your words if you want something. Ok, bye." I could be your dad whisperer, since I don't give 2 fucks about his feelings. Lol.

Hormones and possible PPD are all the more reason to put anyone on the back burner other than you and your baby. I wish you speedy healing, pampering, and healthy baby with good sleeping. Hugs if you want them. 🫂🫶

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/1ultimatumoffmychest posting in r/offmychest

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 3rd April 2026

Update - 25th April 2026

My boyfriend can't use any bathroom besides the one in our apartment, and he thinks this is normal

No advice wanted. My [25f] boyfriend [24m] can't go the bathroom unless it is the one in our apartment. If he's not home when he has to go, and he doesn't make it back in time he will go in his pants. I wish I was kidding. I figured it out after seeing him have two different accidents. The first time it was after his friend's birthday and we had both been drinking. My boyfriend was really embarrassed and I thought it was just because of the alcohol. It had never happened before (in front of me) so I just let it go. The second time it happened we were out shopping and there was no alcohol involved. He went in his pants because we didn't get home in time.

We met in university, during my second year and his first. I lived on campus and he shared an apartment with his brother [26m] off campus. I never realized he would go back to his apartment if he needed to use the bathroom. I went on to the pharmacy program at our university and he went on to do his Master's degree. After we graduated I moved in with him. The apartment is close to the hospital I would be working at, my boyfriend found a remote job and the rent was a good price for this area.

His family lives two hours away. He can use the bathrooms at is parent’s house because he grew up there. One set of his grandparents live near his parents and he can also use their bathrooms because they have lived in the same house since he was born. His other grandparents moved to another province when they retired and my boyfriend has never visited them because of this bathroom situation. My boyfriend's brother lived in the apartment for two years before my boyfriend moved in and it took him all that time to get used to the idea of using the bathroom there. His parents told me he has been like this his whole life and they laugh about this quirk of his.

My boyfriend is trying to tell me this is normal and that "lots of people" can only go at home. When he says that it makes me feel like screaming. I can believe people prefer to go at home. However they will also use whatever bathroom is closest instead of going in their pants. No one else in his family is like this. His brother just joined the navy. His dad is a conductor for a railroad company. His mom is a postal worker. They couldn’t do those jobs if they were like my boyfriend. None of his friends have ever said anything that I know of either. I told him he needs to see a therapist. He is refusing because he doesn't think anything is wrong. I do not want to live in this apartment forever. I want to travel. My parents live aren’t far from us but I have big family and I want to bring him to visit them. What if he gets offered a better job that isn’t fully remote? I told him I am done if he doesn’t go to therapy and he says I am selfish. I don’t care if giving the ultimatum makes me selfish. I honestly don’t.

tl;dr My boyfriend can’t use any bathroom except the one in our apartment. He will pee or poop his pants rather than using a bathroom that isn’t ours. He thinks it is normal and we have argued. I told him I will leave him if he doesn’t see a therapist and he called me selfish.

Comments

cwtchyfemme

“His parents told me he has been like this his whole life and they laugh about this quirk of his.” So they neglected getting his extreme phobia issues help because hey fun and quirky. Haha. Wtf. Does that mean he never went in school either? Just kept doing it in his clothes? He needs help. This isn’t normal. He needs to drink enough fluid for a healthy body, and he needs to be able to leave the house and live his life. Nobody would blame you for leaving over this. The limit this will put on your future life Even if it’s a severe cleanliness phobia, then he can carry cleaning wipes for the seats and his own toilet roll.

LaLechuzaVerde

I rarely ever use public lavatories and have always been that way. I usually do not need to use the bathroom at work or at school (when I was young).

Of course “rarely” is massively different from “never.” I don’t like it, but if I have to relieve myself at work I go to the office bathroom like a normal adult human. Same if I’m at the mall or a friend’s house or obviously when I’m on vacation or traveling for work. I especially hate bathrooms on airplanes so I make sure to always use the bathroom at the airport for every layover (time permitting) and this strategy means I literally can’t remember the last time I had to use a bathroom on a plane.

OP isn’t even remotely out of line for saying this problem is too life limiting and not wanting to be tied to someone who can’t be away from his own house for more than however many hours he needs to go before having an accident.

It would be a dealbreaker for me too.

KittenKingdom000

If a grown adult would rather shit their pants than use a public bathroom they need serious help/therapy. I wouldn't have been able to get to the point of moving in, that is insane.

>OOP: If I had known about this before I moved in with him I would have refused to come live in his apartment unless he went to therapy. Even then, he would have had to show he was trying to get better.

**Judgement - Breakup**

Update - 22 days later

No advice wanted. If I had known he had this issue I never would have moved into with him in the first place. I tried suggesting he go to therapy to address this, but he just kept telling me that he is normal and I am the weird one. After that I knew our relationship was doomed. No one else in his family is like this. His dad is a railroad worker. His mom is a postal worker. Both sets of his grandparents love to travel. You can't do those things if you have the same issue as my ex-boyfriend.

During one of our arguments about this my boyfriend admitted his brother had wanted to go to university in another province but their parents said they would withdraw financial support and help getting students loans unless he went to the closest university. This was so my ex-boyfriend could get used to his brother's bathroom and come live there for university as well. When his brother was in university with us I got the sense that he was annoyed with my ex-boyfriend a lot of time.

I thought it was just normal sibling dynamics. I have three younger brothers so I get being annoyed with younger siblings. But my ex-boyfriend admitted that his brother joined the navy to get away from the family because we live in a landlocked province and it was the only way he could get away without financial support from their parents. My ex-boyfriend said his brother has not spoken to anyone in the family since he left. I know that his parents and one set of his grandparents enable him. I don't know about his other set of grandparents because they live in a different province and I only met them once. (He has no other family.)

When I told my ex-boyfriend that I was moving out he acted surprised. After we paid our rent for May I told our landlord that I would not be signing a new lease with my ex-boyfriend after ours expired at the end of May. I'm lucky enough to have a best friend who let me temporarily move in with her until my new place is ready next Saturday I just couldn't imagine a life where he declined better jobs because they aren't remote (right now he is a payroll clerk) or where we couldn't go see my family together, or travel or buy a house he never lived in before. And no matter what he said I know I was right about this not being normal.

Comments

SgtKeeneye

Yeah you are 100% in the right. Shitting yourself because you refuse to poop in any bathroom you haven't lived in is a severe problem

Dragon_Bidness

Yeah that sucks but it was really the only option. You can't have a future with a guy like that. You'd have spent your whole life catering to his weird shit.

MaimeM

Outside of the boyfriend needing serious help, wow are the parents assholes. They ruined the lives of both sons by not addressing what is clearly a mental health issue and by forcing the brother to accomodate their enablement. No wonder he's no contact

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/UnlikelyCustard8277 posting in r/AITAH

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Long

Original - 18th April 2026

Update - 27th April 2026

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AITAH for refusing to change my kids name despite it sounding like a ‘slur’ to my MIL?

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This started a few weeks ago but I’d never used Reddit before and wasn’t sure how to do one of these.

For context, I’m mixed race, white and middle eastern from my mom (my mom had been Hebrew but changed denominations after moving to America and meeting my dad). My husband (and his mom) is African American.

I (32F) have recently had my first baby. I’d given up on love when I met ‘John’ (40m) a year next week. What started as a one night stand, then following.. encounters, turned into a shotgun wedding, but we weren’t upset about this. John hadn’t had many girlfriends before and he claims he was happy to settle down. I had much the same feelings.

We got married in August and I met his mother two days before our courthouse wedding/yard party. She was, honestly, one of the most amazing people I’d ever met. I never had a mother of my own really and she was everything I’d ever wanted. She planned my baby shower, surprised me with a birthday party, and so much more during the pregnancy.

I went into labor a week early, in Mid March. She and the rest of his family stayed away and let us update to them on our time. My beautiful baby girl was born on March 19th at 2:19 A.M.

This is where the issue starts. That same day around lunch we let John’s mom and step dad come visit. We’d had several names picked out, some of which MIL helped me choose. However, I looked into my daughter’s eyes and knew her name.

Context

My mom’s name was Nessa. She had been a wonderful lady I’d never been able to meet.

So, I chose Nissa instead, said like Niss-uh.

My MIL said nothing at first. She took photos, hugged my husband, was going on about how pretty our daughter was, but never said anything to me. I’d not noticed at the time, I’d been exhausted and out of it, and they’d left soon after. My husband said something to his mom about it after they left over text, and my MIL went off about the ‘dirty’ ‘slur like’ name I chose. And said I was ‘disrespectful’ and ‘racist’ for not asking her first.

What?

My husband waited until we were home to tell me about this and asked if this was a ‘hill’ we were willing to die on.

I was shocked. He loved the name when I brought it up. He says his mom is ‘right’ and it’s two letters off from being the exact word.

Only, it’s NOT the word. He slept on the couch.

I hoped, over the last few weeks, she would get over it along with him. He eventually conceded it was a ‘dumb’ request and stood his ground to his mom. She came over the next day while he was at work and told me either I change it or she’d tell my husband our baby isn’t his.

I ended up crying and she left, but I texted my husband and her in a group chat after and told them there’s ’no way in Hell I’m renaming my three week baby’ and told my husband what she said.

Of course, she denied it.

It’s started another fight with my husband and he hasn’t slept in the bed for a week now. He keeps telling me I’m being ‘overly sensitive’ over a name and that I’d never even knew my mom so it doesn’t ‘matter’.

So AITAH for refusing to rename my baby bc my MIL thinks it sounds like a slur? Is it? Is it worth fighting for a name when I can just pick another because she’s not even that old?

I feel backed into a corner and starting to feel like my husband is right and to give into his mom. He keeps telling me he thinks the name is ‘wonderful’ and ‘beautiful’ but not worth the drama.

Maybe this is how moms are?

Edit 1:

It felt strange to me to name my baby Nessa because I did not know my mother. I wanted to honor her still. Nissa was a name they considered for me before ‘meeting’ me and making their decision. I chose it because I thought it was beautiful and a great way to honor her.

Edit 2:

Since so many people asked, and I don’t want anyone to be confused ig?

Mom was Jewish; I’ve seen a lot of Jewish hate and was nervous about publicizing that. Her family converted to Judaism at some point(? Maybe? Possibly?) (according to my father) and eventually she became a Christian because that’s what my father was when they married.

Also, thank you everyone who makes respectful comment. Thank you to the people who respectfully told me a different perspective. I’m overwhelmed by the amount of love I’ve received.

I finally had enough and my husband slept in the bed last night. He told me he ‘really liked the name’ but his mom wasn’t going to let it ‘go’. So, I decided to have his mom and co for dinner tomorrow night. We’ll see how that goes.

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Comments

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FourLeafClover0

That’s a very common Middle Eastern and South Asian name. I know three people myself who have that name. NTA.

alilfallofrain_99

I was gonna say, it’s not like that’s NOT a name

PilotEnvironmental46

OP should be more concerned that her husband apparently lacked enough of a spine to back her up. He was perfectly fine with the name until his mother went off about it. That’s the real problem here

Fancy-Still-4297

this is probably a contributing factor why at 40 husband hadn’t had many girlfriends.

thickhipstightlips

Full stop on the "I never met my mom so it doesnt make a difference." THAT is not something a loving husband would ever say to his wife.

I can see MIL becoming an issue.

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't back down. I don't see how Nissa is even in the same fucking universe as the slur other than it shares 3 letters.

And for MIL to pull the "do what I say or I'll implode your marriage and tell my son the baby isnt his" card ? What the ACTUAL FUCK.

Idk. I get a bad feeling about them.

If you change her name, it only keeps the peace with people like her for so long. She'll find another thing to control, then another thing...your life will be hell if you allow her to dictate your decisions. And your husband has no backbone. If I were you, I'd keep the name and if they don't like it, tough shit. She wont see her granddaughter. I don't take kindly to people who try to control me.

You are NTA, but they sure as hell are.

ETA: Thank you for the rewards, fellow Redditors. I appreciate you 💚 I sincerely hope this makes OP take heed to what we've all said. This issue will snowball and she won't win no matter what she does, but I hope she chooses herself and her daughter.

WishaBwood

I knew a girl named Nissa in school. She was lovely and I don’t remember anyone making fun of her name or connecting it to the slur.

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**Judgement - NTA**

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Update - 9 days later

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A lot happened at dinner and I’ve been feeling really down since then. I’ve waited to see if there’d be anything else to update you guys on as well, but so far it’s been quiet. At least for the past week.

So, I did invite my MIL and FIL over for dinner.

It did not go well.

It was tense from the start. I tried to calmly explain why I chose my daughter’s name and what it means to me. I also asked her directly why she felt so strongly about it and tried to understand where she was coming from, but she didn’t really give me a clear answer. She kept spouting something about how I’d made her son into a bad father (??? Idk where this came from?), and doubling down on some of the other stuff she already said. She even questioned my daughter’s paternity again.

At first, my husband was kind of agreeing with her or at least not really pushing back, which made things worse. But then she said something really derogatory toward me, plus the bad parent thing and paternity issue, and that’s when things changed. My husband finally stepped in and told her she was out of line.

After that, we asked them to leave early.

They refused, and it turned into a huge fight. It escalated to the point where we had to call the cops.

It somehow got even worse from there, she started yelling at the officers about how they should be “dealing with me” for terrorism, and she even assaulted one of them. They ended up taking her in, which lead to a fight between me and John, about how she wasn’t going to take up any of her ‘threats’ (even though HE was the one who told me to call the cops). And he left.

My FIL returned the next morning and offered to watch Nissa for me while I went and talked to John. He’d been nothing but neutral the entire time and had even been helping me the night before (to get my MIL out).

We ended up sitting down and talking, and he said he was going to divorce MIL because she’d always been racially insensitive to his experiences and downright crazy to his adult children! And now there was no denying her ugliness with my situation, and he wished for me to tell John to ‘suck it’ and divorce him too, or to at LEAST tell him to grow the hell up and smell the fresh air. He would NEVER grow up with my MIL as involved as she was.

Yall, my FIL told me, until he and MIL married, my husband SLEPT IN HER BED. He was literally twenty nine. He told me a lot more disturbing things I don’t want to repeat.

I ended up telling FIL I wasn’t prepared to talk to my husband, he had said a lot of ugly things the night before, and I asked FIL to tell John he could pick up some clothes but he’d have to stay with them or find a motel.

The last I heard, FIL went to stay at a hotel, MIL was bailed out by John, and John and MIL have been staying at their house. I’ve never felt so alone.

The only thing I’m sure about is my baby girls name. Nissa Rose, and probably my last name.

Sorry it took so long to post.

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Comments

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BadgerNo4726

FIL a real one. I hope you're able to keep him in your and Nissa's lives. But RUN. Sleeping in mommy's bed until you're 29? NOPE. Take your FIL's advice and take your kid and run.

MaxHarryWillie

When a parent tells you to leave their child because you’re too good for them, believe them and go!

No-Force-9732

Lawyer up. You need to document that he abandoned his father’s duty and stayed with his mom. It’s disgusting how she groomed him but now there’s nothing you can do besides leaving. That’s it.

cicada_noises

Yeah…this guy wasn’t remotely ready to be a husband or a father. The way he treated you is appalling and he will never be a partner to you or a functional dad to your baby. Sounds like you had a whirlwind romance and the scary weird stuff didn’t come out of him until he had you locked down with a pregnancy and marriage. Unfortunately divorce is the only sane path forward. You’re young and have plenty of time to find happiness and stability for yourself and your little girl.

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Orpheus_Turned posting in r/TrueOffMyChest

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 13th April 2026

Update - 23rd April 2026

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I’m in love with my best friend, and I don’t deserve to know how he feels about me anymore.

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I’m in love with my best friend, and I don’t deserve to know how he feels about me anymore.

I met my best friend through his work a year or so ago - let’s call him Sirius - and though we started off on uneven ground (I admired him and his work), we quickly became incredibly close. We sent each other food and other treats constantly (and still do); we talked about our struggles and at least once he helped me through an anxiety attack; we started saying “I love you” in messages constantly. If we fought, we communicated and always came out the other side stronger for it. He’s brilliant and charming and kind and good-looking, even if he has issues around his looks. It still amazes me every day that of all of the people in the world that Sirius could spend time with, he chooses me.

I quickly developed a crush on Sirius that I tried to suppress out of fear of ruining our relationship, but the longer that time went on the harder I fell for him. It was easy to do so. He’s so easy to love. Any time I hurt him by saying or doing something thoughtless, I cried my eyes out until we fixed it (I am a crybaby by nature).

Things changed around half a year ago.

Sirius went out of town to visit family, and we ended up talking on the phone. One thing led to another, and I ended up nervously confessing how I felt about him. He admitted that he felt the same way, and even though we both agreed that we weren’t in a good enough mental state to be in a relationship, the way we talked to each other shifted to be much more romantic. I was ecstatic and relieved beyond words to know I hadn’t screwed up our friendship. It only lasted for around two weeks before I fucked up, though.

It’s hard to talk about the details of the fight even now. I had shared some deep trauma of mine with Sirius, and he wanted to reciprocate by sharing some of his own traumas and struggles. I felt like I was not in the right headspace to properly give him the energy and attention he deserved, and so asked him to hold off on sharing for the time being. Sirius felt dismissed and a little used, and he started being passive-aggressive to me, which grated on my nerves that were already shot from our talk. One thing led to another, and I ended up calling him. I yelled/begged him to drop the issue for now, tried to explain my reasoning for not listening to him immediately, and out of frustration told him that it felt selfish for him to be upset about it when I had shared some incredibly sensitive, traumatic information. It was a mistake.

Sirius got incredibly quiet, waited for me to lose steam, and then asked if yelling at him made me feel better. It didn’t. He told me that he would never, ever talk to me the same way I had talked to him. He told me that the way I had snapped, “after all we’ve been through and all we’ve talked about, do you really think I don’t care????” had made him think of the manipulative ways his abusers had talked to him. He brought up a fear I had told him of losing him as a friend, and told me that this was how I would lose him. He told me that our confessing was a mistake and that we would be better off friends, and that I had lost his trust with this incident. I was numb and could only think to keep nodding my head and apologising.

I spiralled for a few days. Hard. When I came out of my spiral, Sirius assured me that we were still friends and he loved me, but things have irreversibly shifted.

He rarely messages “I love you”, only just “Love u bestie” or “Lu2”.

I sent him gifts on Valentine’s but he made me promise that it was purely platonic.

We aren’t as open with each other anymore. I’m not as open with him anymore.

I’m still as in love with him as I was before, but it hurts so much now. I don’t know how he feels about me anymore. If he’s still in love with me. I’m terrified to ask, because if he says he isn’t, I may just fall apart. I don’t deserve to know anymore. If we just stay friends at this point, then that’s what I’ll be happy with. I’ll push down all my feelings, and pretend that I don’t cry at night occasionally, and hope that maybe one day we’ll get back to where we were before.

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Comments

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SpitefulJealousThrow

The cost of commitment and domesticity are difficult conversations, friction and times like this. Sometimes it doesn't survive, and the softness you remember feels a little scarred by it's confrontation with reality.

However things shake out though, it doesn't make how things were before any less meaningful or beautiful.

you-want-nodal

I had a friend of about 10 years that I started seeing romantically around Christmas 2023. After a few months it wasn’t working out for me so I called it off amicably, it was fine but understandably she needed time after the split to re-centre herself and lose the feelings she’d developed. Only in the last few weeks have we been loosely back in contact and I gave her the first happy birthday message in two years this month. Things are somewhat back to how they used to be but irrevocably changed.

So having been on his side of things, you really need to give him time and space. After an outburst like that a few weeks in to what is barely a situationship he’s come to realise that you are not what he’s seeking in a romantic partner. That isn’t something that is going to change without years of personal growth and proving this perception wrong.

Use your actions to let him know that you are mature enough to respect his boundaries and needs. And if you truly value him as a friend, don’t do this with the ulterior motive of a eventually ending up in a relationship.

>OOP: At this point, I know that it’s for the best that we aren’t thinking of each other romantically. If anything happens, and that is IF, it will be after a lot of time and a lot of therapy. Knowing that and being able to change my feelings are two different things though.

>I think that more than anything the thing that kills me is just not knowing how he feels right now. I don’t even know if he feels the same way towards me anymore and I don’t have the courage to ask. Either way, I’ve made my decision - it is better for me to be by his side as just a friend than to not be by his side at all.

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Update - 10 days later

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So, I got my answer.

I asked Sirius if he still considered me a best friend, and he very explicitly told me that while I was still a close friend, any feelings he had for me are entirely platonic.

And that hurts, but it gives me closure.

The truth is, that argument came right after I had just admitted to him that I had been SA’d by an ex. I won’t go into details, but as hurt as Sirius might have felt over me not wanting to hear his own experiences (which I accept is totally valid), me lashing out was a direct result of having such an emotionally harrowing conversation beforehand.

I won’t keep pining over someone who would shut down his romantic feelings over a single argument, especially given the circumstances. That’s not fair to me. It might take some time, but I’ll get over it. Life moves on, time heals all wounds, insert another cheesy phrase here.

I will always love him, but I can’t continue to be in love with him. And that’s okay.

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Comments

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wortmother

I hate to say it, reading both posts but you share alot of blame here. You treated him very poorly from what ive read and he is 100% fair is moving on imo

Bloomingvelvet

No villains here he set his boundary, time to move forward.

Odd_Welcome7940

I think for now you have arrived at the best place you can.

Let me just ask 1 thing really to consider though. If he had told you about his trauma and you tried to open up and he told you not to. How would you have reacted? What if he then lost it on you over your inability to just be quiet ? Screaming and yelling at you?

You seem to accept you screwed up, but still blaming him for being hurt. That isnt a healthy response. Just deflection.

ASentientRailgun

I was thinking the same thing. The yelling was so over the top, I can't imagine they'd have taken it well if it was reversed. Mostly the fact they made a separate call to do it, is what gets me.

>OOP: I think you’re under the impression that I outright refused to listen to him. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I was very clear at that time that I wanted to listen to him and share his pain, but that I was emotionally exhausted and needed some time. That is not an outright rejection - that is me asking for some space. It was only when he began to be passive-aggressive towards me that I snapped.

>You’re welcome to disagree, but growing up as the therapist friend has taught me that there is a time and a place to share trauma and nobody is morally obligated or should be expected to listen to your trauma at any given moment. That doesn’t mean that the person doesn’t care.

ASentientRailgun

Why did you call him back to yell at him?

wortmother

yeah somtimes your tired and have low energy, but you claimed to love this person and wanted to be with them. i got some news for you, for the person you love and want to be with, it doesnt matter if youre tired or low energy, when they need you , you are there. you are always there for them. he was there for you and you have 100 reasons why it was ok for you to not be there for them honestly super telling

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/roccomorocco0722 posting in r/relationship_advice

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Concluded as per OOP

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1 update - Short

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Original - 23rd April 2026

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Update - 24th April 2026

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My(M29) girlfriend(F30) wants to go spend a week on vacation with a male friend.

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As it mentions in the title, my girlfriend of 8 months is travelling to Australia to see her friends for 3 weeks. It’s a big group of friends and I know them reasonably well. But, she told me a couple of days ago that she’s also then taking another flight to a different city to stay with a guy friend of hers for a week. He invited her to stay with him to go explore the city over the week. She told me this and then went on to say that she’d been telling me that this was the plan. The whole time she’s been telling me that she’s also gonna see an old friend from high school who lives in a different city. She made that sound like she’s having lunch with the guy. Now, all of a sudden it’s a week with this guy that I know nothing about.

Now, I have no problem with her having guy friends. She has a few. I trust her completely. I don’t think anything has ever happened between her and any of her friends. But, a week long trip one on one is ridiculous. That I can’t tolerate. So I told her she can go and I’m out. The fact that she would plan a trip like this and tell me after the fact is an extremely disrespectful towards our relationship, especially when all we talk about is prioritizing each other over everything else. I don’t know what else to do except end things here. I don’t think this will be a one off, it’ll just become a pattern of pushing boundaries.

After this conversation, she was very quick to say she’s cancelling the trip but I don’t think I care about that after the fact. I don’t think I can be in a relationship where I’m dealing with things like this. I expect my partner to have respect for our relationship, not just say “I’m not cheating on you though.” Is this pattern to expect if we don’t end things here?

tl;dr my girlfriend planned a vacation with a guy friend and I want to end things because I don’t want to deal with this pattern if disrespect for our relationship.

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Comments

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EmuKey6463

Just have some dignity and end it.

outcastreturns

The good news is that you've only been together for 8 months. Drop her now so that you won't have to deal with this kinda stuff again years down the line.

Embarrassed-Map7364

You made the right call to start with - she's 30 not 15 and knew perfectly well she'd been taking the piss.

throw-far-away17

UHHHHHHMMMMM.. immediately no. I'm not even reading all that. Just plain no. That is sus asf. She just wants to cheat, if she isn't already. Also if she had doubts about the relationship she could have talked to you about them. Asked for reassurance or tried to address whatever was on her mind.

>OOP: I find it hard to believe about the “uncertainty” in our relationship. We were literally talking about getting married next year. I was introduced to all her family and her friends around here. Not sure if that’s something she’d do with a guy she’s “uncertain” about… Never communicated any of this before. I guess I’ll never know now

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Update - 1 days later

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After ending things, she started spiralling a bit. A lot of crying and crazy things. We spoke about all this and I tried to be, what I thought would be kind and let her get it all out. Her family members reached out asking what had happened as she was just a mess and then things escalated a little. I honestly don’t even know what to say about that. I spoke to her after all that once and decided to cut all contact.

Ending things felt especially right because at some point in our conversation, she said she wouldn’t have booked this trip if she didn’t feel uncertain about our relationship…. Just wow, considering that we were planning to get married sometime early next year… So… I guess it really wasn’t as innocent of a trip as she’d let on and it certainly wasn’t a mistake. Now, she’s free from this “uncertain” relationship and certainly free to do what her heart desires. I really do hope she finds peace and happiness in her life. It sucks that things ended this way because we were freaking great up to this point. I’m just glad I trusted my gut. Always stick with your gut.

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Comments

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Ok-Silver8913

Dude. You just dodged a divorce. How scary is that? You need to date someone at least a couple of years before you get engaged.

zemcawa

The moment she said she booked the trip because she felt uncertain about the relationship… that’s all the closure you needed

>OOP: Yeah… I can’t imagine my head on a swivel when it comes to my partner. I’m not even someone who likes to even swipe to the next picture without asking. I felt like with her, it was already starting to send me down rabbit holes. I can’t imagine what it would feel like to be in that type of marriage.

gbaker1a

The important part is that you stood your ground and treated yourself with the respect you deserve. If most men were like you, this shit wouldn’t happen as often. And this girl will think about you for years and years too.

>OOP: I fell for her pretty hard. It’s still pretty crazy the things I was willing to do for her. I remember this one thing we always joke about and had become a thing: she’s a foodie and she loved this spread from a grocery store that was imported from Italy. They stoped carrying it shortly after she discovered it. I actually reached out to the distributor and found the only store in the country that still carried it and got it for her. Even spoke to the manager about keeping it in stock as much as possible, or if I could have it ordered in larger quantities and take it off their inventory right after. Didn’t that show her how much it meant to me to see her happy?!? Isn’t that the love she claimed to want in her life? “To be loved is to be seen, to be heard”… just wild to me. I tried to give her everything she even remotely mentioned she wanted. Still, I guess it wasn’t enough…

>I’ve never seen myself like this and I’m not gonna pretend it didn’t feel absolutely amazing, felt absolutely wired into life. This shit woke me up in an instant though

BoredBKK

>" So… I guess it really wasn’t as innocent of a trip as she’d let on and it certainly wasn’t a mistake."

And therefore this "guy friend" wasn't really a friend and this inappropriate behaviour was a long term issue. Good call and all the best moving forward.

>OOP: Yeah that part, about uncertainty definitely cleared up my uncertainty. No shot just a “friend”

ezagreb

She’s probably Just spewing a bunch of hurtful shit so don’t take anything she says seriously. I’m sure her parents will explain to her how stupid and idea her vacation with her friend was

>OOP: Yeah, parents were pissed, her siblings were pissed. I spoke to her siblings, I’ve known them for sometime, helped organize the older ones wedding events. All good people around her, always prioritizing her. I understand that, she cheers up the place. Brings joy wherever she goes. They really wanted us together, so they aren’t too happy with her choices right now either. Hopefully, they’ll see her with someone she is compatible with.

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments