u/SharkEva

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/FunnyManufacturer130 posting in r/relationship_advice

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 25th May 2026

Update - 10th August 2026

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Guy friend (M24) is flying internationally for a big milestone of mine (F21). How do I go about telling him I like him?

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Sorry if the title is a bit confusing. My friend and I are close as ever. We go to the same uni and people seem to think we're dating. We’ve been friends for roughly two years.

He recently left the country to continue education in the States. Now, he's flying back in for a professional school ceremony I have with my classmates. I hope I don't sound extra but a part of me wonders if this falls under "platonic" behavior. I want to tell him I like him but I'm not sure how. A few people told me it might not be worth it since we don't live in the same country at the moment and he's coming to visit. What advice do you have please? Also, is the whole international travel thing likely to be platonic?

I think l've started to develop feelings for him and I wonder how he feels 😭. I should also add that almost two years ago, l'd asked him if he liked me. He had hesitated and said "no, we're just friends". So I had adjusted my expectations but since then, we've still been essentially besties. Please help, thank you! (I can provide more context as needed). We have a whole itinerary planned out for when he comes. Including a dinner (just both of us), jet skiing and some other things. He said he'll cover everything, which he's done before.

TL;DR - a guy friend is flying internationally to support me during an academic milestone, how do I tell him I like him? Do I even tell him?

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Comments

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HonorTheAllFather

You use your mouth to form the words “I like you” while talking to him.

>OOP: Okay I guess my bigger issue is the fear that he MIGHT not feel the same way

Old_Sandwich_8090

His trip and plans sound like care and support, but not necessarily romantic intent, so don’t assume feelings from that alone. Since he already said just friends before, you should only confess if you’re okay with things staying exactly the same or becoming awkward for a bit. Keep it simple when you talk to him, and be ready to respect whatever answer he gives without reading too deeply into the gestures.

>OOP: The thing is it’s not only this. That’s why I said I can provide more context as needed. Since he left, we’ve been texting all day, everyday, send pictures of random shit we’re up to, and so many other things. When he was here, we were also inseparable. I’m just wondering if this trip thing is like a final push kind of. I will fs respect his answer regardless as I’ve done in the past. I understand, basically I should remain neutral with whatever his response is. I think I can handle that. Thank you for the advice.

trishsf

He lives too far away. You’ve already confessed once and that was when you lived in the same country. I would leave it. It’s not realistic to start a relationship while living in different countries.

>OOP: I didn’t confess before. We were having a conversation about something else and I’d asked “do you like me?”. He seemed taken by surprise and then he said no. I didn’t mention why I was asking or anything (it was cause at the time, a lot of my friends thought we’d make a good couple since we’re really close and he’s a good guy). We went on with our conversation afterwards. I understand the LDR factor tho

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Update - 2.5 months later

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My update is almost two months late cause I've been so busy with school lmao. Anyway, he arrived on a Tuesday. We went grocery shopping together, after which I told him I had something important to share. I was nervous but eventually said, "I like you, as more than a friend". He said something like, "I'm glad you said that cause I like you too". Then, he pulled me in for a hug and we had our first kiss. That same night, we went to the movies (where we kissed a bit more😅). The rest of the week was absolute bliss - roller skating, beach day (which included jet skiing), dinner/ our first official date, my school event, multiple sleepovers/cuddle sessions. He left the following Monday and all I can say is that it was the most amazing week of my life. It turns out, he had liked me for over a year. He said he didn't even remember having the convo where he was like, "We're just friends", which is absolutely NUTS btw. We're long distance for now and he's planning to come visit again later this year. We've been dating for about seven weeks and we're taking it day by day.

TLDR - this is your sign to shoot your shot with that person. If they don't feel the same way, then at least you won't have to wonder "what if" anymore. Goodluck to everyone. Lover girls are so up! 🤣❤️.

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Comments

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Several_Unit9376

The part that gets me is him not remembering the “we're just friends” conversation. You spent months treating it like scripture and he had apparently deleted the file entirely. Men are astonishing. Congratulations though, and I respect that you did grocery shopping before the confession, very sensible order of operations. Long distance is hard, but it does make every visit feel like a holiday.

>OOP: I sent him this comment. It made the both of us crack up 🤣🤣. The way I spiraled over him saying that for literal months 😭. All my friends were like “girl he likes you”. And I was like, “actually he said a year ago that we’re just friends 🤓☝🏽”. Men are genuinely clueless I’m so happy everything worked out. And he’s been the most amazing bf!

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Skulllily posting in r/AITAH

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 3rd August 2026

Update - 8th August 2026

AITAH for becoming increasingly uncomfortable with our childcare arrangement?

My mother-in-law watches my two children, ages 5 and 3, two days a week while my husband and I are at work. We pay her to watch them because she is on disability and was considering returning to work, and we thought this arrangement would benefit everyone.

When we originally agreed to this, my understanding was that it would be just her and our children. I trusted that arrangement completely.

Over time, however, my mother-in-law’s friend’s daughter has started coming over almost daily with her five children, who range in age from 4 months to 10 years old.

Since then, I feel like concern after concern has come up.

The biggest issue for me is pool safety. The children are allowed in the pool without an adult in the water as long as the younger ones are wearing arm floaties. Some of the younger children cannot swim. I brought up my concerns and said that drowning is often silent and that I was uncomfortable with children being in the pool without close adult supervision. Instead of taking my concern seriously, my mother-in-law and her friend laughed and said, “Nothing’s quiet around here.”

I was so concerned about this that my husband later spoke to his mother about it. However, the supervision practices do not appear to have changed.

My oldest has also told me that the children are allowed in the back alley without adult supervision as long as they stay close to the house. I don’t understand how anyone knows whether they’re staying close if nobody is actively watching them.

There have been other incidents that have added to my concerns as well. For example, my children were left unattended with scissors.

Today my children’s aunt told me she witnessed the other children excluding my 3-year-old, splashing her in the face, laughing at her, and pushing her in the pool. She immediately intervened and told the children that wasn’t acceptable. What upset me most was that none of the adults “supervising” the children were aware it was happening because they were sitting at a table on the other side of the yard.

What also bothered me was that my mother-in-law became angry with my sister in law for telling me about what had happened. That reaction made me feel even more uneasy because I would rather know about problems than have people worry about upsetting me by bringing them up.

This isn’t the first concern I’ve had, and it feels like every time I raise an issue, it gets minimized or brushed off. At this point, I no longer feel comfortable with the environment my children are in. The situation has reached the point where I feel anxious every time my children go there because I no longer feel confident in the supervision they’re receiving.

My husband and I got into an argument because I told him that if his mother cannot guarantee that the other children won’t be there while she is watching ours, then I want to find alternative childcare. He feels I’m being unreasonable and is concerned about hurting his mother’s feelings.

To be clear, I’m not demanding that my mother-in-law change her life or tell other people they can’t come to her house. I simply feel that if this is going to continue to be the childcare environment, then I need to make different arrangements for my children.

I appreciate everything my mother-in-law has done for us, and I know she loves our children. But I feel like the childcare arrangement we originally agreed to is very different from the one that exists now, and I no longer trust that my concerns about supervision and safety are being taken seriously.

Am I the asshole?

Comments

Tattooed_Everything9

Seven children? An unfenced pool? I didn’t need to go any further. Find other childcare. It’s a tragedy waiting to happen.

>OOP: It’s an above ground pool. Which makes it worse as they are across the yard, below it. They’re not even looking over it which is why I have brought it up. My husband spoke with his mother about my concerns and I blindly trusted that the pool supervision changed.

CarusGator

I have saved two drowning children on different occasions. Both cases were entirely silent with other people around. The first child had her mother and another lady just feet away in the pool with their backs to the children while they talked. There was nothing to hear. Zero splashing. No screams or cries or even a tiny sound. The only way she could know her child was drowning was if she had eyes on her. The kids around her didn't even notice. I'll never forget the little girl's eyes as she looked up at me in terror from the bottom of the pool.

The second child was also silent and surrounded by other children who didn't notice. I saw him go under and he had the same look in his eyes when I got to him and looked down.

There MUST be an adult with eyes on the children. Period. Or we'll be reading another story about a child drowning on a grandma's watch. I would die a thousand deaths on this hill.

calacmack

This situation has to end. Kid's lives are at stake. NTA.

D0ntEatPaper

Yeah. The kids are pushing a 3 year old into the pool. And the mother in law didnt apologize or anything but lashed out at the person telling her about their (very valid) concerns.

But also.... Why was there an argument with your husband? Frankly I think you might have more of a husband issue than a mother-in-law one. He thinks you're being unreasonable for enforcing BASIC safety. In what world would you be an asshole for addressing concerns about your mother-in-law and her negligence?

>OOP: We got in an argument because I’ve been expressing my concerns and he has spoken to his mother. Hearing today about how the other kids were pushing my 3 year old and bullying her was the final nail. I feel like when I bring things up he makes it feel like it’s a lesser problem than what I make it out to be.

>The friend that brings over 5 children is also a girl he grew up with and her mother lives in the basement. “What do you want me say? Don’t let those kids over to visit their grandma that they love.” I’ve asked previous for him to ask if they cannot be there when she has our children and that’s the response.

>Previous to these kids being around and their mother who just vapes and scrolls on her phone while her kids run wild, my mil had an amazing sense for safety that’s why suggested her watching our children in the first place. I’m trying not to place blame but it seems like since she’s seen how uninvolved/lacking safety her friend’s daughter is with her children she’s doing the same with mine.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 5 days later

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to come back and say thank you to everyone who took the time to comment on my previous post. I genuinely read every single comment, even if I didn’t respond to all of them.

We haven’t talked to MIL yet, but my husband and I sat down and had a VERY in-depth conversation about everything that has been going on, especially the pool situation.

I showed him a lot of the comments from people who had personal experience with drowning and how quickly and silently it can happen. I also printed out drowning statistics and highlighted the fact that lack of supervision is one of the biggest contributing factors in to children drowning.

He read through everything and, after seeing it all laid out, apologized to me for being so lax about the situation and for not being firmer when it came to our kids’ safety.

I honestly feel like we are finally on the same page.

We have decided that our kids will no longer be going to MIL’s house without one of us there. At this point, we just don’t feel comfortable with them being there unsupervised, and that’s something I’m not compromising on. I told him I’d didn’t care if it upset him or his mother but it’s a hard line for me and he agreed to it.

We are planning to talk to MIL this weekend and explain everything: our concerns about the pool, the other children’s behaviour, the lack of supervision, and the things that have happened that have made us uncomfortable with her judgment when it comes to the kids’ safety.

We’re hoping it will be a productive conversation and that she’ll actually listen to what we’re saying. But honestly, we have no idea how she’s going to react.

I’m sure there will probably be some hurt feelings, and I’m prepared for that. But at the end of the day, these are our children and their safety has to come first.

I really appreciate everyone who commented on the original post, especially those who shared their own experiences. It gave my husband and I a lot to think about and helped me explain it to him in different ways where he understood why I was so upset.

Comments

dawgpoundma

Nope she will play the victim and cry hoping your husband gives in. She wants the money for watching the kids without watching the kids. She lets the older kids watch the younger kids then she gets. Paid for doing nothing

>OOP: Yes, we agreed that our children are not allowed there without either myself or my husband. Which means no child care, we have other child care lined up for our children.

>She can play the victim all she wants. After my husband’s and I conversation, I feel very confident that it won’t matter and he’s going to back me up.

TALKTOME0701

I'm glad that you're going into it knowing there may be some hurt feelings. People are people.

I live in Florida and every week I read about a child drowning. I know those parents would give everything they have to bring their baby back

This really is life and death. Good luck this weekend

Wakemeup3000

She is most likely going to become a victim and turn this into a 'you don't trust me' situation. Keep the focus on your child's safety and if she circles to something else pull it back to your child's safety. Good luck

>OOP: Thank you, that’s the plan! We talked about the scenario and we are going to keep it to safety and the environment our children in that is no longer safe.

>Aside from this she has been a great grandmother. It blows my mind that this is something we even have to speak with her about but our kids safety is my top priority. I’m hoping she’s open during the conversation but if she isn’t it’s too bad for her, I’d rather bruised feelings than a dead child.

ThatPerception6845

Maybe let her know she's otherwise great to soften the blow.

>OOP: That’s the plan. She really is great with the kids, this is a small part but very serious issue right now. She loves her grandkids and previous to her friend’s grandkids being there she had never let my kids in the pool alone and never let them in the alley.

>It was a big 180 out of nowhere that caught me off guard.

Ladygytha

Not a part of the conversation that you need to have in regards to the safety of your children, but do you think she's lonely? And that's a part of why this friend was able to take her focus off her grandchildren?

This happens to moms a lot. Adult interaction is important when you are primarily caring for kids. What I mean by that is when your world starts to revolve around children, you start to miss actual conversation. Do you think your mil needs a hobby where she can have a level of interaction that she's not getting from being "Grandma" or interacting with you/your husband around the kids?

Whether or not that's the case, you're doing the right thing by putting your childrens' safety first. Her needs are hers to figure out, though it might be helpful to to put a feeler out about that out too.

>OOP: I think so. She has been singles for probably over 10 years now as she has sworn off men due to abuse, her friend has done the same thing.

>They call each other platonic soul mates and really lean on each other for support. I don’t mind her friend but she’s always negative and I find she brings MILs mood down.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/SerenithAshvale posting in r/AITH

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 28th July 2026

Update - 6th August 2026

AITA for refusing to call my stepdad "dad" even after fifteen years because my biological dad asked me not to and I never told my mom why?

I (26F) was seven when my parents divorced. My stepdad Richard has been in my life for fifteen years, genuinely good man, never missed a single school event. When I was eleven my biological dad sat me down and asked me one thing, never call Richard dad. I was eleven. I said okay and kept that promise for fifteen years without telling anyone. Last month my biological dad passed away. At the funeral my mom said now that he was gone maybe I could finally let Richard in properly. I realized she never knew about the conversation. I told her everything. She broke down and said my biological dad had stolen fifteen years of a real relationship between me and Richard and I should have told her when I was eleven. I was eleven. I did not know any better. AITA?

Comments

MariaInconnu

You not using the name doesn't mean you didn't have a relationship.

>OOP: Exactly, the title was never really the relationship. Richard and I built something real over fifteen years regardless of what I called him; a word was never going to be the measure of that.

Lifes-a-lil-foggy

Maybe you could try a new but different nickname (if it felt right). Like pops or something

sunbear2525

My kids call their step dad ‘Dan Dan’ since his name is Dan. Except in public when they go down the easiest path and refer to him or introduce him to strangers as ‘Dad’ and that one time my daughters really wanted to keep two kittens they found and went full ‘daddy.’

Illustrious_Cod_5843

NTA. There may have been something complicated involving your mother, your stepfather, and your father, and you were used as a pawn. At eleven years old, you would not have seen yourself being used as a pawn, and by the time you might have realized it, the habit was ingrained.

>OOP: That's a really fair way to put it, at eleven I couldn't have seen the bigger picture, and by the time I could, it was just how things were. I never felt "used" in the moment, but looking back, there was probably more going on between the adults than I ever knew.

Nyx-by-night

Okay. But taking your mum and dad out the equation, what do YOU want to call your step dad? I see people saying it’s unfair of your dad to ask that - but had he not made that request would you likely have called Richard Dad? You’re the most important person here, so what do you want?

>OOP: Honestly, I think I would have called him dad eventually, he earned it. Right now calling him that still feels like breaking a promise, but I know that's not fair to Richard either. I think I need to figure out what I actually want, separate from both of them.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 9 days later

It's been 9 days since I made my original post, and I wanted to answer the question everyone kept asking: yes, I finally talked to Richard. I apologized for never calling him "Dad" and explained the conversation I had with my biological father when I was eleven. Richard just sat there quietly for a minute before telling me he had always wondered if he'd done something wrong, but he never wanted to pressure me into calling him anything I wasn't comfortable with. Hearing that absolutely broke me.

My mom cried again because she said she never realized how much power one conversation could have over a child for so many years. I've stopped blaming my eleven-year-old self because I was just trying to keep a promise to my dad without understanding what it would cost. As for Richard, I still haven't called him "Dad," not because I don't love him, but because after fifteen years it feels strange to force a title overnight. He told me he doesn't need a word to know how I feel, and honestly that meant more to me than anything else. We're spending more time together now, and for the first time I feel like we're building the relationship we should have had years ago.

Comments

babydtheone

NTA. I would have done the same thing as you and respect my bio dad’s wishes. But Richard sounds like a great guy. Never trying to force you to call him dad. Calling someone dad does not prove you love them. It’s by actions. And it’s sounds like you love and care and respect Richard very much.

>OOP: Thank you. Richard has never once made me feel guilty or pressured, and I think that's one of the reasons I respect him so much.

ten-toed-tuba

Thank you for this update. I'm so glad you spoke too Richard and cleared the air!

>OOP: Thank you. It was one of the hardest conversations I've ever had, but I'm really glad we finally had it.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Constant-Belt-9862 posting in r/Marriage

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 2nd August 2026

Update1 - 3rd August 2026

1 New Update

Update2 - 5th August 2026

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My (26M) wife (27F) wants to have a baby next year and says she can’t wait longer due to PCOS, but I want to wait until she’s 29 so we can have our own paid-off apartment and enjoy being married first and to prepare accordingly. We’re divorcing tomorrow. Is this the correct path forward?

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We got married a year ago and genuinely love each other. We just celebrated our anniversary two weeks ago, which makes all of this feel even more surreal and sudden.

She has PCOS and has been clear that she wants to start trying for a baby next year. We discussed having kids before marriage, and I told her that the next two years wouldn’t work for me. I’m not against having kids... I want them with her. I just don’t feel ready for the massive life change that comes with becoming a father. I’m 26 and she’s 27, and I feel like we’re still young.

I want us to have more time together, enjoy our marriage, build our lives, get our own apartment, pay it off, do fun things together, become more financially stable, and actually feel prepared before bringing a child into our lives.

I told her I’d be comfortable trying when she’s 29. She feels that waiting is unacceptable, partly because she has PCOS and is worried about her fertility and age.

I’ve looked into the medical side of this as well. From what I understand, there isn’t a sudden fertility cliff between 27 and 30, including for women with PCOS. A recent analysis of PCOS patients found no significant difference in clinical pregnancy or live birth rates between the 20–24, 25–29, and 30–34 age groups. Obviously, that doesn’t guarantee anything for an individual woman, but it made me question whether we really need to rush solely because she has PCOS.

We’ve talked about this repeatedly, and neither of us seems willing to change our position. My original position was early 30s, then I moved to 29, and eventually said I’d be willing to reconsider sooner once we had our own apartment and were more financially stable. She hasn’t accepted any of those options.

Tomorrow at 9 AM, we’re meeting to begin the divorce procedure.

She feels I’m taking away something she deeply wants. I feel that having a child is a decision both people need to genuinely want and feel ready for, not something one person can set a deadline for.

I love her and want children with her. I just don’t want to become a father before I’m ready simply to save our marriage.

Am I being unreasonable, or is this a fundamental incompatibility that neither of us should compromise on?

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Comments

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NoYou1016

Crazy that people divorce this easily. Wow.

>OOP: She wants to, I swear it's not me. I compromised, she didn't meet me halfway.

NoYou1016

Is she willing to go to counseling at all?? That’s crazy. I’m sorry.

>OOP: No, she has anger issues too, by the way. She actually suggested therapy herself to work on them. When I brought it up and said that maybe she also needs some time to work on that, especially because dealing with anger issues while raising a child can be difficult, she got mad but that's the truth. I’m pretty laid back, but with a kid, work, and all the added shit, I know I’d probably be much more on edge.

CharismaticAlbino

None of it matters now, you've driven her away. Congratulations, she'll now find someone else to have children with, or she'll do it on her own.

>OOP: She wants the divorce and she didn't meet me halfway. Why am I the one being blamed? I'm not ready yet. I can't agree just to save my marriage. I have to be 100% certain.

BeeBladen

You act like marriage is always 50-50. It’s usually not. Sometimes it’s 70-30, or 20-80, or 60-40. If you can’t agree to save your marriage then it’s already over and was likely to fail anyway. You’ll both probably be better off.

HotWaffles5

Marriage is full of sacrifices & compromises, marriage is a lot of work. This guy seems to not be up to the task.

>OOP: You kinda missed there part when I compromised and she didn't. I've consistently compromised from early 30s, to 29, to at least waiting until we have our own apartment, which realistically would’ve been next year. She herself originally wanted us to have our own place before kids, but now she’s saying she wants kids with or without it. She’s also changed her position. At least I’ve tried to meet her halfway.

lsoplexic

Are you willing to trade an entire life with her for two more years of child-free life?

>OOP: Those extra two years could make a huge difference in whether we’re able to secure our own place or end up spending our savings on raising a child. I’d rather establish our own home first than risk having a landlord tell us to move out someday because he wants the place for his kids or something. And honestly, I’d rather have those two extra years to enjoy our freedom, travel, do whatever we want, and build our life together than jump into parenthood now, where a child becomes a 24/7 responsibility that completely changes our lives and takes a huge amount of our time and energy.

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Update - 1 day later

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Just wanted to give everyone who commented on my original post a quick update.

We met today, and it was very amicable. No drama, no arguments, no heavy conversations. We just talked normally, like we usually would, and went through the process together. We submitted the papers, and our hearing is scheduled for September 9th.

There’s still a lot of love and respect between us, but we both understand where we stand.

I'm not sure what happens between now and September 9th, but for now, that's where things are.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to give advice respectfully, share their experiences, or even disagree with me. I read pretty much everything, and some of it genuinely gave me a lot to think about.

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Comments

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Prestigious_Step4337

Gosh I am so sorry. There’s no answer to this, it’s just a sad state to find yourself. You’re definitely right to not want to become a father before you are ready, whatever that looks like for you (stable home and job is a great start), because kids come with many unforeseen complications. It’s a never ending cycle of exhaustion, money out the door, laundry, and homework. It’s not something to take lightly and it sounds like you already know this. Best of luck OP.

>OOP: Yeah, I'm honestly devastated that it came to this over a child who doesn't even exist yet, someone who, years from now, might not even understand why we made such a painful decision for their sake. It hurts to think that our marriage could end over a future child who may one day look at us and say, “I never asked to be brought into this world"

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Update - 2 days later

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Update 2: 26M married to 27F with PCOS. I'm considering an option I never thought I'd even entertain.

I have read every single comment on my posts. Even the ones that stung. I really do appreciate all of it. I also want to thank everyone who reached out privately. I did not expect that and it meant more than you know.

This is a personal update. I feel terrible even typing this. I never thought I would be the kind of person considering something like this. But here I am, stuck between two choices and both of them feel wrong.

I need to give you more context so you understand why this is breaking me. Her father passed away when she was young. She still has nightmares where she is a little girl again, begging him not to leave, asking him why he went away. She wakes up sobbing and I have been there for every single one of those nights. I hold her until she falls back asleep. Over time she started telling me that I fill that gap for her. She sees me like a father in some ways because I have done things with her that she never got to do as a kid. Simple things like going to amusement parks and just making her feel safe. In many ways I see her as someone who never got to fully heal and I have tried my best to be that person for her.

Seeing her vulnerable like that breaks my heart. I cannot imagine leaving her and knowing she would spend even more time trying to heal from our relationship when I have been the one person who has stood by her through everything. I know she would not be okay. I know she would struggle to move on and I cannot stand the thought of that.

And even if she did eventually find someone else, it would not be simple. She cannot just get a donor. She would have to marry again and find someone who accepts her and then go through the whole process of trying to build a family from scratch. The same time it would take for me to quietly delay things would be the same time she would spend trying to rebuild her life except she would be alone and treated like damaged goods by families who judge divorced women. I love her too much to let that happen to her. She does not want that either. She wants kids with me and she feels like I am holding her back from motherhood. She looked broken when we met for the divorce procedure. I know she has been having a terrible time and I think part of her hoped the divorce talk would make me reconsider. Behind her firm position there is a weak girl whom I genuinely consider a daughter in my heart. We were best friends for 3 years before we married by the way.

So here is the part I am ashamed to admit. I have thought about going along with the plan. Bear with me. Quietly taking subtle steps to reduce our chances of conceiving right away. Basically self sabotaging myself. Things that lower sperm count, reserves, quality temporarily to delay conception. Nothing permanent. Nothing medical. Nothing harmful. Just enough to buy us time until we have our own place and I actually feel ready.

I am not trying to steal her chance at motherhood. She has PCOS and she always tells me it will probably take us years to conceive anyway. So in my mind I am not ruining anything. I am just trying to prevent the one scenario where it happens immediately before we are stable. Honestly even without any self sabotage, it would probably take years anyway. I have a desk job, no time for fitness, work stress, I eat red meat and sugar constantly. I probably already have low sperm. She would never be able to find out because I might genuinely have low numbers already. But doing this just makes sure and she would be happy that I am finally trying.

I do not want to do this. I really do not. But I do not see another way. If I tell her the truth, I risk losing her and putting her through all of that pain. If I go along with it, I risk becoming a father before I am ready. And if I quietly delay things, we have a chance.

So my question is this. If you were in my position and you genuinely could not find another way, what would you do?

I am already carrying a heavy weight and I just need honest perspectives without being torn apart.

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Comments

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YeetThermometer

No no no, just no.

I read your post history and you need to get out of this situation yesterday. The commenters on the first post basically ignored you and focused entirely on her, forgetting that you have a whole lifetime ahead of you as well.

She threatens divorce when she doesn’t get what she wants, but doesn’t really mean it to get her way - that’s coercive. If you think this will end with a kid, it won’t. Congrats, you now have no say in the size of your future family because she’s willing to go nuclear before listening to you, not least because of people like the commenters to your earlier post. She crossed the rubicon; now you live there.

In case of a loss of cabin pressure, put your mask on first before assisting others. Your wife is grinding you down, sucking the life from you and dictating the course of your future without really considering you at all.

You are not responsible for what happens to her and her chances for a kid once you leave. She made some serious mistakes with you and she’ll have to live with them. You can’t make her heal on your own, and you are not personally responsible for creating the dream family she pictures as the answer to her trauma.

So no sperm count games. This isn’t getting better. You can’t bide your time until you’re ready because when you’re ready, it should be with someone who sees you as more than a tool to get her dream life.

ariankhneferet

I couldn’t agree more. Children really are a ‘two yes’ situation. Not ‘two yes under duress’.

>OOP: I agree, but to her, she might not even be able to get pregnant later, she says she knows people with PCOS who were 29 and could no longer get pregnant, so she worries the same could happen to her.

YeetThermometer

As mentioned previously, divorcing you, finding someone else and getting comfortable enough with them to have a baby, then having that baby, would likely blow up her desired timeline as well. That makes it even clearer that divorce threats were manipulative.

It’s not hard to see why she feels like her back is up against the wall. Once again, your needs and feelings have zero to do with it. If, during any of this, you mattered to her as a person, it would have shown up in her words and actions.

buginarugsnug

I don't really understand. Neither of you are going to get what you want, your marriage and future is going to go up in flames because you can't come to a compromise. If it were the fact you never wanted children, then fair enough that is a valid reason for divorce, but the fact you are BOTH unwilling to compromise on a 24 month timescale and divorce over it is wild to me. Surely there is a way to meet in the middle.

>OOP: She wants to start trying next year and she is terrified that any delay will make it harder or even impossible. She believes the longer we wait, the more her chances slip away. To her, time is not on her side and every year that passes feels like a door closing.

buginarugsnug

Am I misunderstanding that you said you are happy to try when you are 29 and you are 27 now? There is a maximum of twelve months between your desired timelines, without knowing when your birthday is, it could be as little as three months between your desired timelines. I don't understand why either of you are willing to throw away your marriage over such a small timescale rather than just changing perspective to sit in the middle of the timescale.

>OOP: I’ve even let go of the age limit and told her I’d consider trying sooner if we had our own place first. But she wants a firm commitment from me that we’ll start trying next year regardless of whether we have our own place by then.

ladybug1259

Don't do this, it's a terrible idea. For many reasons. The deception is terrible and a betrayal regardless of whether she knows about it, I am weirded out by your wording about seeing her as a daughter,and sperm quality can cause miscarriages, not just delayed conception. I genuinely don't understand why you are incapable of reaching an agreement about this. She wants to start trying in a year, you are dead set on buying a place first and then trying but you said in a comment you almost bought a place a month ago, so just...buy one in the next year and you're good? Its also not hard to be in the process of buying while you're trying. I wouldn't suggest waiting until she's pregnant to start looking but you'd be totally fine if you're closing on a house and TTC at the same time.. or divorce if that's what you both want.

>OOP: I think you misunderstood what I meant when I said I see her like a daughter. I did not mean it in a weird way. I meant it in the way that I have watched her experience things for the first time that she should have experienced with her father. Simple things like going to an amusement park etc... we like to do fun stuff. She never had that growing up and I got to be the one to share it with her. Seeing her face light up in those moments is one of the best feelings in the world. That is all I meant. Nothing strange. Just a man who loves his wife and has tried to fill a void that was never her fault.

Itsmeshlee29

I mean, this is horrible. She ever finds out you did this and it’ll destroy her. Get the divorce. This is so much worse.

>OOP: Like I said, even without any self sabotage, it would probably take years anyway. I work a desk job. I have no time for fitness. I deal with constant work stress. I eat red meat and sugar like it is going out of style. I probably already have low sperm count without doing anything. So I am not actively ruining anything even if I honestly tried without sabotaging myself.

>Yes, we’re currently living separately while we think everything through. We have about a month to decide whether to retract everything or move forward with the divorce.

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/user posting in r/AskMenAdvice

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 5th April 2026

Update - 4th August 2026

​

Fiancée (23F) left me (25M) for someone she met at the gym, what now?

​

Hi everyone,

I (25M) was in a relationship with my fiancée (23F) for 3 years. I proposed in October 2025, and up until recently I genuinely thought we were happy.

Last week, she told me she’d met a guy at the gym. Over a few weeks, they got to know each other and she developed feelings for him. When he asked her out, it made her question our relationship, and she decided to end things.

I’m still trying to process it. The shock has worn off and now it’s just… heavy. I’m dealing with anxiety, poor sleep, no appetite, and I can’t focus properly. I wear a smart watch and even my resting heart rate has been noticeably higher.

I’ve got a high-pressure job and I’m worried this is going to start affecting my performance. I’m already going to the gym daily and taking magnesium and melatonin, but I still feel constantly on edge and nauseous (seriously I feel like I could vomit throughout the day).

If anyone has been through something similar, how did you cope in those first few weeks? How do you calm your body down, sleep better, and start to feel even a little bit normal again? Is there any medication I can take to help with the anxiety and nausea?

I’d really appreciate the advice because it could help me greatly through a challenging time. Thank you.

EDIT:

I woke up this morning to over 300 comments on my post and honestly, I wasn’t ready for it. I sobbed reading through all the advice and people sharing their own stories.

It’s so easy to forget there are real people behind the screen, but I’m one of them. And the few minutes you took to write a comment genuinely meant something to me.

I’m going through what feels like the lowest point in my life, and somehow a bunch of strangers on the internet made it feel a little less lonely.

So yeah… thank you, I will continue reading all your comments. Seriously.

​

Comments

​

Youdontuderstandme

Sorry to hear this.

First: this relationship is over. The sooner you move on the better off you will be. Note: if she comes back it will be a mistake to get back together with her. She has already left you once, when your relationship was good and “easy”. Ive been with my wife for over 30 years. Trust me: there will be trying times. If she won’t stick with you now she sure as hell won’t stick with you when the going gets rough. I know it’s hard to think about moving on - but trust me: do it.

You deserve better. This didn’t happen because of you. It happened because of her.

Be grateful it happened now rather than later.

You will find someone else.

I had a serious girlfriend I was planning to ask to marry me. We broke up. I was busted for a long time. My wife is wayyyyyy better.

My motto: keep moving forward. Workout. Set goals. Have fun. One inch. One step. Keep moving. Life is a marathon not a sprint. You will survive this and be better for it.

Fit_Assistant2510

Be glad you’re young and you didn’t get married. She did you a huge favor, hard to see right now though.

SignificantApricot69

I know a bunch of married women who do the same thing essentially but stay married and don’t tell their husbands. It’s definitely a favor that she called things off and let him know there was another man. If they had gotten married she probably would have “questioned” the marriage every time another option presented itself.

Difficult_Jury_7455

Gym relationships are based on pure physical attraction. He's a pretty boy with muscles and she's obviously that shallow that it worked. If it makes you feel better he'll dump her ass as soon as he's banged her a few times. She'll be devastated and will contact you again saying she's "had time to think" lol. Then you get to tell her hoe ass to get lost

​

Update - 4 months later

​

Hello everyone,

Around four months ago (in April), I made a post here at what was probably the lowest point of my life.

I wanted to come back with an update, partly to thank everyone who took the time to reply, but also in the hope that someone currently in the position I was in might read this and realise that things really can get better.

First of all, thank you to everyone who told me she would be back. I remember thinking it was strange that so many people said the exact same thing. At the time, I didn’t really understand why (lol I still don’t know what the psychology is behind it). Well… you were all right.

2 months ago (in June), I got the call. She told me she’d been dating the guy from the gym and, unsurprisingly to everyone here, she’d slept with him several times. She said she’d woken up one day and realised she’d made a “mistake” and was willing to do “anything” to make the relationship work again. I declined and politely asked her not to contact me again. (I also blocked her, her friends and her family).

Had it not been for the advice from so many people on my original post, I genuinely think I might have given in. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Today, I’m in a much better place and genuinely happy with my own company. I wanted to share a few things that really helped me.

I stopped isolating myself. Instead of lifting weights alone, I started trying different classes at my gym. I ended up really enjoying them and met some great people that way. I went on a two week solo trip. I took myself out for meals, explored new places, and just enjoyed my own company. I read a lot of the books people recommended in the comments. No More Mr. Nice Guy was the one that resonated with me the most. I leaned on my family and existing friends. I made a point of arranging lunches and coffee catch ups instead of sitting at home. I started counselling. Being able to say everything out loud to someone with no personal bias helped far more than I expected. Most importantly, I embraced the time alone and journaled a lot. I learned a lot about who I am outside of that relationship and wrote down the things I wanted from my life.

I’ve only recently started dating again, and it’s actually been enjoyable. I’m not rushing into anything, it’s simply been nice meeting new people and learning about different personalities.

Healing isn’t quick, and the damage from the breakup definitely affected me. I still have some reservations about dating, but I’ve also learned about the boundaries I will never compromise on again.

If you’re reading this because you’re going through something similar, please believe me when I say this. It doesn’t feel like it now, but it really does get better. The person who walked away wasn’t the right person for you.

And to everyone who took the time to comment on my original post, thank you. Your advice genuinely changed the direction of my life.

​

Comments

​

Mountain_Elk_7262

I guarantee you she didn't just "wake up one morning and realized it was a mistake" that gym bro got what he wanted and moved on to the next one

devilmaskrascal

That's the thing about gym bros who are attractive enough to make women leave their fiancés for a fling: they usually have plenty of options and aren't racing to settle down and move in together, especially not with girls who will dump their fiance for a fling lol.

ThatBaseball7433

I love these delusional people who think they can have a backup in case new exciting doesn’t work out.

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Constant-Belt-9862 posting in r/Marriage

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 2nd August 2026

Update - 3rd August 2026

​

My (26M) wife (27F) wants to have a baby next year and says she can’t wait longer due to PCOS, but I want to wait until she’s 29 so we can have our own paid-off apartment and enjoy being married first and to prepare accordingly. We’re divorcing tomorrow. Is this the correct path forward?

​

We got married a year ago and genuinely love each other. We just celebrated our anniversary two weeks ago, which makes all of this feel even more surreal and sudden.

She has PCOS and has been clear that she wants to start trying for a baby next year. We discussed having kids before marriage, and I told her that the next two years wouldn’t work for me. I’m not against having kids... I want them with her. I just don’t feel ready for the massive life change that comes with becoming a father. I’m 26 and she’s 27, and I feel like we’re still young.

I want us to have more time together, enjoy our marriage, build our lives, get our own apartment, pay it off, do fun things together, become more financially stable, and actually feel prepared before bringing a child into our lives.

I told her I’d be comfortable trying when she’s 29. She feels that waiting is unacceptable, partly because she has PCOS and is worried about her fertility and age.

I’ve looked into the medical side of this as well. From what I understand, there isn’t a sudden fertility cliff between 27 and 30, including for women with PCOS. A recent analysis of PCOS patients found no significant difference in clinical pregnancy or live birth rates between the 20–24, 25–29, and 30–34 age groups. Obviously, that doesn’t guarantee anything for an individual woman, but it made me question whether we really need to rush solely because she has PCOS.

We’ve talked about this repeatedly, and neither of us seems willing to change our position. My original position was early 30s, then I moved to 29, and eventually said I’d be willing to reconsider sooner once we had our own apartment and were more financially stable. She hasn’t accepted any of those options.

Tomorrow at 9 AM, we’re meeting to begin the divorce procedure.

She feels I’m taking away something she deeply wants. I feel that having a child is a decision both people need to genuinely want and feel ready for, not something one person can set a deadline for.

I love her and want children with her. I just don’t want to become a father before I’m ready simply to save our marriage.

Am I being unreasonable, or is this a fundamental incompatibility that neither of us should compromise on?

​

Comments

​

NoYou1016

Crazy that people divorce this easily. Wow.

>OOP: She wants to, I swear it's not me. I compromised, she didn't meet me halfway.

NoYou1016

Is she willing to go to counseling at all?? That’s crazy. I’m sorry.

>OOP: No, she has anger issues too, by the way. She actually suggested therapy herself to work on them. When I brought it up and said that maybe she also needs some time to work on that, especially because dealing with anger issues while raising a child can be difficult, she got mad but that's the truth. I’m pretty laid back, but with a kid, work, and all the added shit, I know I’d probably be much more on edge.

CharismaticAlbino

None of it matters now, you've driven her away. Congratulations, she'll now find someone else to have children with, or she'll do it on her own.

>OOP: She wants the divorce and she didn't meet me halfway. Why am I the one being blamed? I'm not ready yet. I can't agree just to save my marriage. I have to be 100% certain.

BeeBladen

You act like marriage is always 50-50. It’s usually not. Sometimes it’s 70-30, or 20-80, or 60-40. If you can’t agree to save your marriage then it’s already over and was likely to fail anyway. You’ll both probably be better off.

HotWaffles5

Marriage is full of sacrifices & compromises, marriage is a lot of work. This guy seems to not be up to the task.

>OOP: You kinda missed there part when I compromised and she didn't. I've consistently compromised from early 30s, to 29, to at least waiting until we have our own apartment, which realistically would’ve been next year. She herself originally wanted us to have our own place before kids, but now she’s saying she wants kids with or without it. She’s also changed her position. At least I’ve tried to meet her halfway.

lsoplexic

Are you willing to trade an entire life with her for two more years of child-free life?

>OOP: Those extra two years could make a huge difference in whether we’re able to secure our own place or end up spending our savings on raising a child. I’d rather establish our own home first than risk having a landlord tell us to move out someday because he wants the place for his kids or something. And honestly, I’d rather have those two extra years to enjoy our freedom, travel, do whatever we want, and build our life together than jump into parenthood now, where a child becomes a 24/7 responsibility that completely changes our lives and takes a huge amount of our time and energy.

​

Update - 1 day later

​

Just wanted to give everyone who commented on my original post a quick update.

We met today, and it was very amicable. No drama, no arguments, no heavy conversations. We just talked normally, like we usually would, and went through the process together. We submitted the papers, and our hearing is scheduled for September 9th.

There’s still a lot of love and respect between us, but we both understand where we stand.

I'm not sure what happens between now and September 9th, but for now, that's where things are.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to give advice respectfully, share their experiences, or even disagree with me. I read pretty much everything, and some of it genuinely gave me a lot to think about.

​

Comments

​

Prestigious_Step4337

Gosh I am so sorry. There’s no answer to this, it’s just a sad state to find yourself. You’re definitely right to not want to become a father before you are ready, whatever that looks like for you (stable home and job is a great start), because kids come with many unforeseen complications. It’s a never ending cycle of exhaustion, money out the door, laundry, and homework. It’s not something to take lightly and it sounds like you already know this. Best of luck OP.

>OOP: Yeah, I'm honestly devastated that it came to this over a child who doesn't even exist yet, someone who, years from now, might not even understand why we made such a painful decision for their sake. It hurts to think that our marriage could end over a future child who may one day look at us and say, “I never asked to be brought into this world"

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/throwawayacc78883fy posting in r/tifu

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 3rd September 2021

Update - 3rd October 2021

TIFU by finding a hidding message years later.

Five Years ago, there was this cute girl, in my tennis club. She was very shy and would barely talk. Her Bestfriend kept telling me that she likes me, but I never believed her, and since the girl would always avoid talking to me I didn't even bother to make a move. We were at a summer camp, making origamis. She then nervously came up to me, and handed me an origami and said here I made this one for you.

Didn't think much of it, now 5 years later I still have this Origami on my night desk. I'm going to move out in a few days, I was packing my stuff, I saw the Origami on the night shelve and picked it up. I noticed a little writing on the inside of the Origami. I didn't want to spoil the Origami, but I eventually did.

It was actually a little note. It said I really like your freckles, and you're very kind below was her number. Now I do feel very very dumb, not really because I missed the chance, but because she must have thought all this time that I ignored her etc. We still follow eachother on instagram, but Idk if I should hit her up. I just want to punch my face into the wall, I missed such a great opportunity, should have listened to her friend :/

Btw I'm 22 rn I'm not quite sure how old she ist but I think 20-21. TL:DR

UPDATE in the same post (about a day later)

It's currently 11 o'clock. I send her a message on Instagram, she replied. We chatted for a bit, and then it was sort of awkard, I explained to her how I just found the message, and that I thought it was a nice gesture. Surprisingly she was quite ecxited and happy, didn't expected that. She immediately asked me, If I wanted to get coffe today at around 17 o'clock.

I'm not sure If I'll be able to go today, since I'm still at the hospital, and they're taking soo long, but if I do I'll definitely keep you guys updated on how it went.

(Plus, Never realized how much of an impact a compliment could have, personnaly I never liked my freckles, since they basically cover my whole face, and I never met someone who liked them either. Knowing that someone thinks they look good honestly made my day. Just wanted to share)

UPDATE in the same post (about 2 days later)

We met an hour earlier than expected, luckily I got out of hospital in time. The weather was nice, so we decided to meet at the parc, and bought Iced coffe. While I was texting with her a few hours prior, she sounded really confident etc, but when I met her, she was still super shy. She was very nice, but yeah didn't talk much. A few hours In she did start to open up a bit and get talkative. We went to an Asian resturant, ( All you can eat). And damn I must say, she really took All you can eat to another level, she understood the assignment, and was out there trying every dish, I think the waitresses where on the edge of kicking us out lol.

Afterwards, she didn't seem shy anymore, we went over to my place, and y'all I honestly need to shit so bad, but I can't. Anyways we're currently watching a movie, and her head is on my shoulder, that's a good sign I guess. I need to put my phone away now.

Btw her Bestfriend texted me saying I told ya, didn't I?

Comments

Causeass

HIT. HER. UP. And share updates please! I wanna know how it goes.

Edit:

Hell yes OP! You are the man! Congratulations on your new romance! Thanks for the update! Love it, love it, loooooooove it

FranklyNinja

50 years later, OP: TIFU by ignoring my Reddit notifications not seeing the advise all the redditor left for me to go for it.

Update in the comments - 1 month later

itsjohnmejia

Came from RSlash on YouTube! Would love to hear any updates on this! This is the cutest thing I’ve ever heard and want to know what happened to you us :)

>OOP: Oh hi what's up. We're now officially dating, I asked her three days ago.

Comments

cpy

Now this is better than your regular romcom. *grabs popcorn*

[deleted]

Holy shit man imagine they actually make a romcom like this 💀 we talking bout anime.. right It'll be like 2 episodes but man would it be a 10/10

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Potential-Growth6856 posting in r/amiwrong

Concluded as per OOP

2 updates - Long

Original - 24th June 2026

Update - 27th June 2026

Update - 31st July 2026

Am I wrong for calling out my friend for setting me up on a pity date?

I (32M) have a friend (28M) who's the best looking man. Seriously, he makes Chris Hemsworth look ugly. I've been struggling being his friend - he's been undermining me for years. Nights out? Stealing all the girls. Shopping? Staff throw themselves at him. On the street? Women have asked me for a picture together with him. Let's call him Jack. I've been told I'm not bad looking. But the fact remains, I'm a 6/10 at best. But jack's a 10/10. As much as he's a bro, knowing him is a liability.

It's been eating into my life a lot. But one area I'm doing well is at the gym. I go about 4 a week. And there's someone I'm into who goes to the gym. Let's call her GC for gym cutie.

GC is in her mid the late 20's.

I've been going to the gym for over 6 months. I've seen her for a couple of months. I know her name. GC and me flirt. I've spotted her and we banter. It's got to the stage I'm on the verge of asking GC out.

I've been trying to keep Jack from the gym. But last week, he was staying down my way and asked if could go with me. Now the time he mentioned was not my usual time and GC doesn't usually go so I thought why not so we went.

I was having a good session. Then suddenly I see GC. She's going on a different day because she's going away for work tomorrow and she's getting a workout in. I'm thinking things are going good, times good to ask GC out. Fucking Jack walks over and she's gobsmacked. Like I've gone from mate to doesn't exist. I see them flirting so I just walk off and go to get changed.

As I'm getting changed, he comes back in and I see him sorting his phone out. I ask him what happened and he said GC gave him her number. I'm so speechless I just stop talking and carry on getting changed.

I'm driving us back from the gym and he's talking about GC and them going on a date. After a while I just fucking snap and rip into him saying he's a prick and he's cock.blocked me and stole my girl. He's trying to act all apologetic and say he has no Idea and I just drop him off home and tell him to get out.

I'm so down, I haven't been to the gym this week. I also haven't spoke to Jack.

A couple of days ago, Jack rings me out the blue asking me if I'm ok and he hasn't heard from me and GC hasn't seen me at the gym. He's worried about me. He says he's got a peace offering and says he's sending me an Instagram profile and says to look at it before I say anything.

I look at what he's sent me and it's a woman. She's a little chubby (not ugly or fat) and doesn't look like she goes to the gym. She also looks a bit nerdy. I'm like what's the fuck is this and he says it's a friend of GC. I'm angry because it's obvious him and GC have been talking. He says yeah, me and GC went out for a coffee and we spoke. She feels bad I liked her and she didn't like me and thought of a friend I'd like - 34F. He's trying to sell me on this chick, like bro she sounds nice - a nerd like you, loves cats and is a geek if it was a few years ago I'd probably be interested but I've been trying to distance myself from that sort of girl.

. Apparently him and GC have spoken to the girl and she's interested in me adding her and going on a date. Apparently GC has really been selling me.

I fucking rip into him. I'm telling him he's a twat for doing this and setting me up on a pity date and stealing the girl I like. He's all like bro chill and think it's a good thing. That this girl is waiting for me to add her. I tell him to leave me alone.

AITAH for me for ripping him settlng me up on a pity date?

Comments

Clock-United

Dude, it just sounds like you are angry that this girl isn't on par looks wise with the girl you were into. You aren't obligated to go on the date, and honestly, for nerdy girl, I hope you don't. She is an innocent party in all of this, and she risks catching strays and attitude from you for no reason. And honestly, it sounds like your buddy thought about things you might have in common and not just physical. If you are primarily focused on the physical, I think it's pretty hypocritical to be angry that the women you like are also picking your friend because he's better looking.

>OOP: Yeah but I mean like it feels arrogant. They didn't know me or if I'd actually like her, they just assumed I'd be ok and gave her my details without asking me.

frolicndetour

You want to know what feels arrogant? You assuming women are property that can be "stolen." You thinking you are too good for someone you would have otherwise liked because you have decided you are entitled to "hot" girls instead. Maybe your disgusting personality is what turns women off and not the fact that your friend is hot. If the gym girl was into you, she would have moved on you ages ago, just like she did with Jack. She wasn't. You are gross and definitely don't go out with her friend because she deserves better than you.

>OOP: "If the gym girl was into you, she would have moved on you ages ago, just like she did with Jack. She wasn't." Ok but then like she should have just went out with him and ignored me and moved on. Why would she then set me up with someone knowing I like her? I wouldn't do that to someone. I'd feel like I was being cruel doing that.

Niborus_Rex

She didn't think you and her were compatible. She and your buddy thought you'd be compatible with her friend. I doubt it's deeper than that.

>OOP: But she did that knowing I liked her? I feel like that's what people aren't getting.

Niborus_Rex

Yeah, but she doesn't like your that way, so she was probably hoping to set you up with someone she felt matched better. She doesn't want you to like her romantically, but she likely also doesn't think it's that deep. Nobody is trying to humiliate you, but you're letting your pride make an absolute fool of yourself.

>OOP: It's showing how clueless and superficial attractive people are though. She thinks I can just switch my feelings off and transfer them to someone just because she thinks I should.

ProfessorFussyPants

Just…go back and read what you wrote about the girl Jack and GC thought you would like. And then take a long hard look in the mirror and reflect if maybe you are just as superficial and clueless. It’s easy to throw stuff around when you are angry but you don’t seem to have a great sense of connection with women based on what you wrote here. How many deeper conversations did you have with GC. Was it just funny banter and you waiting to ask her out or did it evolve?

Jennabeb

YW The way you talk about women is disgusting.

She didn’t like you that what - she told your friend as much as- and you’ve never spoken up to ask her for any further interaction beyond the gym, yet you talk as if you own her. Women aren’t things or property you can call dibs on or own. Start listening to women, because most of us don’t care as much about looks as we do about kindness, empathy, listening skills, and advocacy for women in male dominated spaces. You even treat your own guy friend like he’s nothing but his looks instead of a person. Ouch dude. Get some therapy, sort out your entitlement towards women, find some actual traits in yourself you like and are proud of that aren’t your looks or lack thereof, and actually tell someone you’re interested once you know you are. Yeesh

**Judgement - YW**

Update - 3 days later

Ok there's been a few updates so I'll share.

People said about me asking GC out and that if I liked her, I'd have asked her out. Well over the past few years, I've read a few times online that you shouldn't ask women out at the gym and that if women liked you, they'll ask you out and should only do it when you're sure. So unfortunately I left it so long, I neglected to ask her out at all. I'm not great at reading people unfortunately. I'm naturally very shy.

Ok so onto the update.

A couple of days after my last post, I saw Jack had posted a gym selfie and that GC had liked it. It made me realise that if they continue to date, they'd be trying to introduce eachother to the friend group. So I deleted my profile.

Not long after, he messaged me saying he's noticed that I've deleted my profile. I said yeah, I can't be done with the fact that they'll all be introducing themselves to the group. He apologised and said he'll hide her and won't make it obvious they're dating

I was like look bro, that's not fair. Just be because I'm not happy, it doesn't trump your happiness. My unhappiness isn't more important than your happiness at the end of the day. You've not done anything wrong.

So I've asked if I can take a break from our friendship for a bit while I work on myself. He's hurt but gets it.

The other guys in our group have messaged asking what's going on - I haven't really elaborated.

I've decided to see a therapist more intensively. I spoke to my barber who mentioned that he sees a therapist regularly. So I've cancelled my regular one and got his therapist's details and I'm seeing them next week.

I've also cancelled my regular counselling session and asked if I can see someone else. I'm seeing them in a couple of days.

That's it for now.

Comments

tacticalpuncher

Read your first post and this one, I understand how living in someone's "shadow" can be a burden and if you can't handle it you should distance yourself even if you're friends. Additionally you should take some of the criticism in the other post and do some serious self reflection.

Senior_Move1463

Sounds like you're finally taking real steps instead of just marinating in the whole mess.

MikeLovesOutdoors23

I'm glad you're getting therapy. Honestly it's really hard, I can imagine, you just watching your friend get all the girls.

I'm blind and I get extremely jealous that people can just hang out with their friends and stuff like that, and everybody's hanging out with each other. But I can't go anywhere unless somebody drives me, and all the friends that I have are old, because I just naturally get along with older people because I don't know what the hell younger people are talking about because they play video games all the time and they're just so into the visual side of things. I'm in my early 20s, and I have a lot of Blind friends, but that doesn't do me any good because most of them live hours away from me. I live in town that is so spread out and I can't walk anywhere, there's no transportation system. It fucking sucks.

So I get it. You want people, and it seems like you can't get them.

Maybe just take a break from that friend group for a while, stop going to places with the attractive guy, just go out on your own and meet people. That way people don't have anything to compare you to. Be kind, ask people out if you get to know them, don't wait a few months being unsure about it. Just go for it man.

I'm glad you're going to get therapy to work on yourself. I'm in therapy and it's really helping me a lot.

Oh yeah, completely forgot to add, stop focusing on looks and attractiveness. I know, coming from a blind person, I make it sound a lot easier than it is, but I feel like that is where you're stuck a lot of of the time.

In the grand scheme of things, looks really don't matter. Just connect over interest, hobbies, good personalities, don't immediately judge someone based on how they look. I know that's probably not the greatest advice for somebody with vision because from what I've heard, sighted people do that subconsciously without even realizing it, but looks don't mean everything

Update - 1 month later

So basically, I'm dating GC's friend.

Not long after my previous update, I had a follow request in my insta from her friend her and Jack tried to set me up with - I'll call her Donna. I accepted and followed her back.

I didn't think anything about it at first. She then messaged me saying hi and that GC told her about me a while back. She didn't ask me anything major, just if I'm ok and thanked me for following her. I was like don't mention it. But she asked me a couple of questions about myself and I responded and asked her some too.

I left it a couple of days and I saw she messaged me back asking if I'd like a coffee? I said yeah ok, let's go out. So we did.

We really got on. She's actually really cute in person. And we have similar experiences - she's also been married and divorced. She lost a child too. She's really easy to talk to, she just gets it. We're both naturally introverts at heart.

After that, I asked her out myself to go for a meal a couple of days later. We went out and had a great time. We had a couple of drinks and got tipsy and we were flirting. We kissed too. 😁

We've been out since. Similar vibe - flirty, kissing etc. She's said she wants to come to mine soon and watch a film together. I'm probably dense but I feel like she wants a bit more? I've accepted anyway. She's coming over tomorrow.

Me and Jack are talking again. He was really worried about me and I assured him I'm doing ok. He's made up about me and Donna though. Giving me advice and stuff about Saturday.

I've seen a therapist too. They seem better than my last one. I've had like 2 sessions and they seem a lot better.

So I'm feeling much better at the mo.

Comments

llamamama417

I’ve been the duff of the friend group and I understand where you’re coming from, loving your friends and wanting them to be happy while also wanting that for yourself. The best thing I can say is don’t look for a perfect 10, look for your perfect 10. Me and my fiancé wouldn’t be considered conventionally attractive but we find each other the most attractive person ever because we love every part of each other. Once you move past societal expectations of looks and attractiveness you find the most amazing person.

xbuba11

looking for your perfect 10 instead of a perfect 10 changes the whole game

>OOP: I'd say to be fair, I'm not bad looking or even none of the rest of us guys are in the group - we're all average or above average. He's just obviously so above, most people look ugly in comparison lol.

AShamAndALie

I wonder, if he's so good looking, how come he wasn't seeing anyone when you brought him to the gym? Guys like that aren't usually so available that they'd start a serious relationship just like that.

Then there's the fact that he proposed to HIDE her? He doesn't really care that much about her if he would propose that. You either cut it off because it's hurting your idiot friend and you have a million options, or you tell him that you started to actually care about her. Hiding her should never have been an option.

You made many mistakes and should have invited her out the 2nd or 3rd time you guys flirted, but your friend doesn't sound nice at all.

>OOP: He's never been the type to be in a relationship, he's always been a sort of player and only an FWB type of guy.

>As it is, they've just clicked and it's seemingly pretty serious. He really seems to be into her which is rare.

SpaceCommuter

When she hears (or reads here on Reddit) that you considered her a pity date and wanted to date her friend instead, she's going to have a hard time staying with you. The longer you stay together without her knowing this the worse she is going to take it when she finds out about it. I suggest you find a way to talk to her about the really, really bad way you handled everything between your friend and her friend and her sooner rather than later. Her friend did her no favors serving her up to you like this.

>OOP: She knows I was into her friend first because we spoke about it and she was aware her and Jack recommended her to me knowing I was onto GC and they were dating each other.

SpaceCommuter

That poor woman.

Odd_Instruction519

She is in precisely the same position as OP, having a much more attractive friend.

LaLunaDomina

Did you learn anything from this?

>OOP: I suppose definitely don't judge a book by it's cover. And definitely I had some issues being shallow. I'm really working on it.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Stunning_Factor871 posting in r/AITH

Ongoing as per OOP

2 updates - Long

Original - 23rd June 2026

Update1 - 2nd July 2026

Update2 - 15th July 2026

1 New Update

Update3 - 27th July 2026

AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?

I (35F) am in a loving blended family, but the extended family drama is crushing me. I have a wonderful 10-year-old son. My current husband (32M) lost his first wife 4 years ago and has a 7-year-old son. We’ve built a beautiful family of four. My husband treats both boys exactly the same, I do the same with my stepson, and the boys love each other like real brothers. We’re genuinely happy despite everything.

The problem is my husband’s ex-in-laws (his late wife’s parents). They constantly badmouth me and paint me as the “evil stepmom” — feeding every nasty stereotype (mean, neglectful, manipulative, jealous, etc.) to my husband’s parents and anyone who will listen. For example, after my stepson had a minor injury, they said things like “Stepmoms can never be real — why would she even care about him?” They accuse me of manipulating my stepson and try to turn everyone against me.

Every time they visit:

They completely ignore my son. No greetings, no conversation.

They bring gifts, toys, chocolates, and sweets only for their biological grandson.

When my kind-hearted stepson immediately shares everything with my son (as he always does), they get visibly annoyed, say things like “Why are you sharing with him? That’s for you only,” and even try to pull him away.

My husband has been solid and always says other people’s opinions don’t matter. He wanted to set a strong boundary earlier by announcing on my stepson’s birthday: “If you are family, then you are family to both kids. If that’s not possible, you are not family and not invited.” I stopped him because I thought a nice talk would work. I’ve been holding my husband back from taking any harsh steps in order to respect his ex-in-laws as they lost their daughter. I wanted to respect the memory of his late wife and give them time to adjust.

On my stepson’s birthday last year, his side of the family showed up with gifts and love. On my son’s birthday, almost no one came and the few who did showed up empty-handed. Gifts aren’t important to us as adults, but to a child it feels like rejection and being left out. My son was sad and has started asking me painful questions because of this exclusion, like why they don’t like him or what he did wrong, which breaks my heart. I have zero family on my side, so he doesn’t have that extended network. His birthday is coming up soon and I’m dreading it. I’d even be happy to buy gifts myself that they could give him if that makes it easier — I just don’t want him to feel left out again.

Recently after they left, my son refused to eat the chocolates or play with the shared toys. He quietly kept everything in his pockets and returned it all to me. That broke me.

I’m completely fine with them loving their biological grandson more — that’s natural. But the open hostility, exclusion of my son, and constant comments are painful.

Edit: I’ve finally stopped holding my husband back. He is now taking strict action and has given an ultimatum to his side of the family: either they are family to both kids or family to none.

AITA for supporting this hard line now (after previously trying to keep the peace)? Or should I still be trying to make nice for the sake of “family” and my husband’s late wife’s memory? I just want my son to feel included and loved on his birthday instead of rejected again.

Comments

asymphonyin2parts

NTA. Your husband is stepping up. The trick is going to be managing the relationship with the boys so that there is no resentment. If you're NC/LC with the family for a while, that will be fine.

On a separate note, who shows up to kids birthday party without a gift? What blatant AHs.

SarcsmQn5

Your husband absolutely is doing the right thing!! It's great to hear how your nuclear family is navigating life together...time to limit exposure to the boy's maternal grandparents before they start planting seeds in the boy's brain...shame on them

Pebble-hunter

I 💯 agree by blending the family with such calm and consideration by the parents is a beautiful thing to see. Let your husband take over its long overdue.

Infamous_Custard3292

Going against the grain. YTA. This are stepsons grandparents not your sons. They don’t own him anything. Not gifts not attention not outings. From now on arrange the visits at their house or somewhere else and let dad take him while you stay back with your son. Stepson should not lose his family that has done nothing but love him because you want even treatment. Sorry but that’s not a logical thought process. They have no relationship to you or your son. If they want him to have gifts and show up for his big events that is all normal. Life is not fair and stepson has grandparents unfortunately yours just doesn’t. Stop trying to make them surrogate grandparents to your son.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 9 days later

My husband’s parents came over for dinner. After dinner, they started a conversation about the ultimatum my husband had given them earlier. He had finally sat them down and asked why they blindly believe everything his ex-in-laws say about me.

They responded that they’ve “seen everything with their own eyes” and listed their issues with me:

That I’m too harsh and casual when talking about his mother’s death (e.g. saying “she died” or “she is dead” instead of using softer words).

That I’m careless, especially after their grandson had a small injury.

That I’m trying to erase his mother’s memory.

They also accused me of manipulating my husband about the cat. My stepson wanted a cat, but my husband said no because he felt it would be cruel to bring a pet home when we can’t give it proper care and attention. His parents tried to convince him to get one anyway. I didn’t even know there was any argument between him and his parents over this — I only knew that he had told my stepson “no” when he asked. Now they’re claiming I manipulated him into refusing.

My husband defended me and explained:

Our therapist specifically recommended we be direct and straightforward about his mother’s death so my stepson can learn the permanence of death at his age. That’s why I use clear wording — not just about his mom, but even when referring to my own late relative.

When he (my hubby)was a child, he got injured often (including breaking his arm once), but that didn’t mean his mother was careless.

He asked them: “Do you think I’m stupid or blind? If my wife was actually doing something wrong, don’t you think I would notice?”

The conversation turned into a big argument, especially over the cat issue.

Comments

Competitive-Push-715

Omg they are ridiculous.

BraveRefrigerator552

Do they realize next step is low or no contact?

DollySheep32

Then annoying ranting about grandparents' rights

sharethewine

Wait, I’m confused. The first post at first says husband’s ex-inlaws (deceased wife’s parents) were the issue and then later talks about your husband’s family/parents. This post also talks about your husband’s family. So which is it? I would agree his parents should, for the most part, treat the boys the same. But his former wife’s family - absolutely not. As for how you refer to your step-son’s mother - think carefully here. Yes, you want the kid to understand this is permanent, but ask yourself how you’d want someone to talk about you if you were the one who died or if it was YOUR mother. Right now I’m not sure this is real given the mixup between former in-laws or his parents.

>OOP: my hubbys ex in laws bad mouthed me to all the relatives from hubbys side including my hubbys parents so the ultimatum my hubby gave was for all and my hubbys parents came to talk about it and this happened

TashaT50

It’s both sets of parents as they are still close based on my reading.

>OOP: yeah excatly and i have became a scapegoat

Update - 13 days later

My son turned 11 yesterday. It was better than last year, but still pretty awkward overall.

Most of the relatives we invited from my husband’s side actually showed up. It was clear they mainly came because they didn’t want to upset my husband after the ultimatum. They brought gifts for both boys and stayed polite, but the vibe was very “we’re here to keep the peace” rather than genuine warmth. Most of them kept interactions with my son short and surface-level while being more natural with my stepson.

We also invited my husband’s ex-in-laws, but they didn’t show up at all, which we expected.

After cake and presents, my husband pulled his parents aside for a private talk. He explained the therapist’s advice about using direct words like “died” and “death” so our stepson can properly understand what happened. He invited them to join us for a therapy session if they wanted. They agreed it made sense and said they’d think about coming.

Before everyone left, my husband and I thanked them all for showing up. We told them sincerely that it meant a lot to us that they came and were there for both boys.

I’m happy they showed up. I completely understand that my son and my stepson are not the same for them — I know they’ll always love their biological grandson more. That’s natural. I just want basic kindness and inclusion for my son, and yesterday was a step in the right direction.

My son had a decent day. He was happy about his gifts and that so many people came this year. He wasn’t ignored or left out like before, and he didn’t ask any heartbreaking questions. He did notice the difference in how people acted toward him, but he still went to bed smiling.

I have to say — my husband has been absolutely amazing through all of this. He’s stayed strong, protected both boys, held the boundary, and made sure our son still felt celebrated. I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful, fair, and protective partner. He really is the rock of our family.

It feels like a lot of this is damage control on their part, but at least my son got to celebrate without feeling rejected. We’re keeping the boundary firm and taking the small progress where we can get it.

Comments

Previous_Wedding_577

OP has a good man in her life.

>OOP: I know Im blessed.

Ethan_Young45

He does really. The most important thing is that he put his money where his mouth was, which probably made all the difference for those two kids.

Green_Aide_9329

I have to ask, why did relatives give presents to both boys? Gifts should have been just for the birthday child. Other than that, you're doing well. Hold the line.

Straight-Example9126

They love OP's step son. Since they primarily came to keep the peace, they gave token gift to OP's bio son. Their preference is still OP's stepson. Indirectly they're telling OP though OP's husband made them come down for "fairness", their allegiance will always be towards their blood aka OP's step son. They won't give a gift to OP's son on step son's birthday. That would give them smug satisfaction I suppose. As long as the partiality isn't in face, OP will let go I guess. I'm glad that she has a strong husband. Hopefully therapist sessions will help in bringing down animosity towards OP and her child. Ultimately, stepson needs a kind mother which OP is.

>OOP: their preference will always be my stepson no doubt inthat yeah as long as partiality isnt in face i dont have any problem

New Update

Final Update - 12 days later

​

Hi everyone. I wasn't planning on making another update, but a lot of people asked what happened after my husband's parents agreed to attend a therapy session with us

Birthday celebrations: A lot of people asked why my posts focused on relatives instead of my son's friends. In my husband's family, birthdays have always been celebrated in two parts. On the child's actual birthday, we have a family celebration with relatives. Then, on the following weekend, the birthday child has a separate celebration with their friends. That's the tradition both boys have grown up with, and they genuinely enjoy it. My son absolutely celebrated with his friends as well—it just wasn't relevant to my previous posts because all of the issues happened during the family celebration.

Our relationship timeline: Quite a few people also wondered how long after my husband's first wife passed away we met. She had passed away about 1 year and 5 months before we met. We dated for 15 months before getting married, and we've now been married for 16 months. Some people assumed our relationship started immediately after his loss, but that wasn't the case.

Now for the update.

After my son's birthday my husband's parents came with us to one of our therapy sessions.

I honestly expected it to turn into another argument, but it didn't.

Our therapist first explained why she had recommended that we use direct words like "died" and "death" when talking to my stepson instead of softer phrases like "passed away." She explained that children his age understand the permanence of death much better when adults use clear, direct language and that euphemisms can sometimes be confusing.

She also explained something that I hadn't really thought about before.

Because my stepson lost his mother so young, everyone around him naturally wanted to protect him from more pain. Between us, my husband's parents, and his late mother's parents, a lot of adults tried to soften the reality of what had happened. The therapist said that while those intentions came from love, constantly shielding a child from direct conversations about death can make it harder for them to fully understand that death is permanent.

That was one of the reasons she encouraged us to use clear language and answer his questions honestly in an age-appropriate way. She emphasized that helping a child understand the permanence of death isn't cruel—it's actually an important part of healthy grieving.

She also made it clear that this wasn't something I decided on by myself. It was advice we were given in therapy and had been following consistently

My husband's parents admitted they hadn't known that. They said they genuinely thought I was being insensitive

My husband then told his parents something that I think needed to be said.

He told them that if they ever have concerns about our younger one or about any parenting decision we make, he wants them to come directly to us instead of making assumptions.

He said he'd much rather have an uncomfortable conversation than have people filling in the blanks or believing someone else's version of events.

It was awkward at times. There were quiet moments. After the session they thanked us and left . No big emotional talk.

The session simply ended with everyone understanding each other's perspective a little better than before.

Since then, we've noticed small but meaningful changes

I’m glad they came. It feels like a small step, not a big change. We’re not expecting miracles.

​

Comments

​

HUNGWHITEBOI25

Op the one thing i really like about these posts is the way your husband supports you. We constantly read stories like this where the husband is spineless and doesn’t stand up for his wife, its really refreshing seeing a couple that acts like a team.

definitelytheA

When I met my late husband, I was a single mom with a 3yo little girl. He adored her, and beamed like the proudest father when a waiter in a restaurant told her she looked just like her daddy. We’d only been dating a few months at that time.

We married and went on to have 3 more children. His parents welcomed us into their family from the time they met us, and treated my little girl like any of their grandchildren.

A few years after my husband passed, I remarried. Mom’s words to me: If you love him, we love him, and wish you every blessing.

I stayed very close to Mom and Dad, until they passed. After Dad passed, Mom would tell me he always bragged about me to his fishing buddies, and how I could do just anything. We lost Mom a few months ago. She passed two days after my last visit to see her. Her last words to me were, “you’ve always been such a wonderful daughter, and a great comfort to me”

Best gift I could ever have received.

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRAUnlitSeashore posting in r/relationship_advice

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 18th July 2026

Update - 26th July 2026

​

My (28M) fiancée (30F) confessed to hooking up with another guy shortly before our wedding. I'm struggling. How can I move past this?

​

I'm (28M) feeling super lost about my relationship with my fiancée (29F). I'd appreciate a fresh perspective.

We've been together for about 3 years now but have been friends for 5 years. We met in the same workplace friend group. She's my best friend and my partner in every way. Our relationship hasn't been without challenges, but we've been a solid team.

Last December, my fiancée asked if we could take a break so she could recalibrate. She said she was struggling with finding her purpose outside of our relationship.

I've never believed in the concept of breaks, but I wanted to support her. So I agreed, and we set boundaries. Essentially we wouldn't see other people.

The break wasn't long. By Christmas, it was already over. She said it was a mistake and she wanted us. And things were good. Our communication was stronger and like no time apart had ever occurred.

We were engaged by New Year's. My fiancée didn't wanna wait anymore. She wanted us to start our lives together in marriage.

This past week she's been anxious and blamed it on wedding jitters. Then the other day she sat me down and confessed to hooking up with some guy during the break. She met him on a dating app, and they had sex a couple of times.

She claims the guilt's been eating at her, and she opened up to her sister (31F) a month ago. Apparently her sister pushed her to come clean before the wedding. When my fiancée stalled, her sister warned she'd tell me herself if my fiancée didn't.

It was a lot to accept at once. I barely said a word. I was too numb, and I'm still wrapping my mind around everything. Like my fiancée has had a complicated connection with sex due to past experiences.

When we got together, she wanted us to practice celibacy, and that evolved into celibacy until marriage. She believed us waiting would cement our bond and elevate our relationship. We focused on other forms of intimacy.

The no sex stuff was never a dealbreaker for me. Sex wasn't the basis of my love for her, nor was it why I wanted to be with her. And she was well worth the wait in any capacity for me.

But I'm struggling now because I don't understand how she can turn around and give herself to some random guy in a way she's never given herself to me. How celibacy was so important to her, but she gave that away for him.

She swears the other guy meant nothing and it was the biggest mistake of her life. That she ended the fling because I'm the one she's in love with and who she wants to be with. But idk, nothing she said really landed for me tbh.

I asked if she would have told me if it wasn't for her sister. She said she doesn't know. She promised to do anything to rebuild trust and repair our relationship no matter how long it takes.

She still wants us to proceed with the wedding. She said she believes in our love and how we can withstand anything. How this doesn't have to define us.

When I didn't engage, she just cried and kept asking me to say something. I told her I needed to clear my head. I don't like speaking when my emotions are all over the place. I tend to regret it. So I prefer to gather myself.

But my fiancée hasn't respected my request, and when I don't engage, she's hurt. And now she's also super affectionate. She's always been affectionate, but she's different with it now if that makes sense.

This doesn't feel like real life. I never expected this betrayal from her. We're supposed to be wedding planning and everything that comes with it. Our wedding is around the corner. We're having a modest gathering, so the planning wasn't that long.

I feel so numb to everything. I'm in love with her, and she's the woman I wanted to share a life with, but for the first time I'm questioning everything.

I don't even trust myself anymore tbh. I feel so stupid and like such a joke. I'm just lost.

How do I move past this and navigate our relationship?

TL;DR My fiancée's and my relationship went to hell shortly before our wedding after she confessed to sleeping with another guy a couple of times while we were on a break. She confided in her sister, who pushed her to tell me. We fought, and I told her I needed space. By my fiancée's request, we were practicing celibacy until marriage. Celibacy was important to her, but she gave herself to a random guy in a way she's never given herself to me. Ever since, she's been asking for me not to give up on us and has been super affectionate. Our wedding's around the corner, and now everything's gone wrong. I'm lost and questioning our entire relationship. I don't even trust myself anymore. I feel so stupid and like such a joke. I'm just lost. How do I move past this and navigate our relationship?

​

Comments

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Tricky-Score-713

If you guys agreed on not seeing other people during the break, then why was she on dating sites? Is she Bipolar? Sounds like maybe a manic episode. She made a careless decision with a stranger. I think you should move on. Unfortunately, whatever it was that caused her infidelity may creep back up if she doesn't figure it out.

>OOP: The only reason she gave me about the dating app was it was a mistake. She won't elaborate further on it

Zed1618

She claims to want to rebuild trust but won't answer direct questions? Dude, she had this guy lined up prior to your break up. Didn't pan out how she wanted so she went back to her safety net......you. So many red flags in this story it boggles the mind. Break up and move on. She's going to do this again; it might be 6 monthes or 5 years but she's gonna fuck other dudes. That's a guarantee.

MyDirtyAlt79

That's not "a mistake." That's a series of choices and actions, getting the app, creating the account, figuring out what to fill in for every section, the pictures to show, then browsing the guys and choosing which ones she was interested in "recalibrating" herself with. She made all of those conscious decisions before any guy liked her back, their chatting, and eventually agreeing to meet, and that's only the one you now know only a bit about. If she won't elaborate further, and had to be forced to share what she has, then there's no way to move forward with her.

SecretTraumas_92

She’s not your friend, much less your best friend and she’s not wife material. She broke the boundaries y’all set right away and would have never told you if she wasn’t forced into it. I wouldn’t be surprised if she planned that break just to do what she did. Her excuses are complete BS. She made you wait for sex but gave it up to him right away, twice! And cheaters ALWAYS say, it meant nothing. Mark my words OP, if you marry this woman, hell, if you stay with this woman you WILL regret it. Be smart, end this relationship, walk away and never look back. Your fiancée is a POS.

praesentibus

"Sex is sex" is what I heard with an intonation suggesting that it's no big deal. Newsflash: it is.

Eternity_Warden

Especially to someone who insisted on no sex until marriage. Even if I could forgive it without that detail, no fucking way I could after being made to wait for 3 years. As someone who knows how hard it can be to wait a long time for sex, that would crush me

​

Update - 8 days later

​

Thank you to everyone who reached out. I (28M) wasn't able to reply much, but I appreciated everything. I had no one to talk to about this whole situation, not even our friend group, because I've been embarrassed.

A lot's happened since my original post, so I wanted to provide an update.

After taking some time to myself, the numbness is wearing off. Every emotion has been hitting at once. Emptiness, sadness, anger. It's a rotation, and at first I was mad at myself, but now I realize I'm mad at my fiancée (29F).

I look at her now and I don't recognize the woman I fell in love with. The woman who was my closest friend for half a decade. She's a stranger.** **The woman I knew wouldn't do half the stuff she did. She used to be so disgusted with cheaters. She actually cut off an old friend over cheating.

Some have asked what my fiancée's complicated relationship with sex is. I won't get too much into it because it's personal details about her, but she's been badly shamed before, and she feels sex has messed up good things in her life at different times.

She never really respected my demand for time to sort my feelings. She kept pushing and trying to use affection. I did end up asking about her hooking up with that guy while we were celibate.

She claims celibacy for us was different because she wanted a pure relationship with me and for us to be our strongest and most connected before sex. The other hookup was more inconsequential.

I didn't ask her much about further details on the guy because tbh it doesn't change anything for me. I don't have it in me to be a detective and compare stories right now. The facts are the woman I dedicated my life to cheated and nuked our relationship.

I did ask her why, though. She claims that she was self-sabotaging. She felt insecure about our relationship and how she'd be as a wife, and she sought comfort through sex, but it only made her feel worse, and she realized she wanted me.

I'm still processing her reasoning tbh. Idk what else I could've done. I always reassured her and told her she's the one I wanted to be with. I'd list everything I loved about her. I never had doubt about her or our relationship.

There's a lot I'm still figuring out, but I know I can't go through with the wedding. The other day I sat her down and called it off.

I guess she thought I was preparing to reconcile, so she didn't take it well. She was really broken up. I've never seen her break down nor cry like that. And despite everything, it hurt to leave her while she was in that state.

She was just in bad shape and saying she didn't want to lose me and it was the biggest mistake of her life. She'll never do it again. She asked for us to try therapy. She kept asking for me not to give up on us. I'm not in a place to engage in any reconciliation with her, nor do I have any trust in her.

She brought up how I promised I'd always be there for her but now I'm abandoning her like everyone else has and how we promised each other unconditional love.

I don't think her accusations are fair, and it did sting, tbh. I meant my promises and everything I ever told her, but I didn't just up and leave her. She cheated. She made a decision for the break, she made a decision to download the app, entertain the guy, and have sex with him. We're here because of her choices.

The unconditional love was a promise we made at the very start of our relationship. We've both dealt with not being accepted for ourselves or only having conditional love. I wanted to reassure her she never had to be anything except herself for me. That was the basis for the promise. That I accepted her wholly. It wasn't a card to pull for cheating.

Another thing that makes this all complicated is that we live together. I planned to stay with family for the time being, but she was refusing to let me leave.

Like she threw herself in front of the door and refused to move and then grabbed me when I tried moving around her. I had to call her sister (31F) to come get her and talk her down.

I've been processing these past few days. This doesn't feel like real life. She always boasted about us, and our relationship meant the world to me. I was never more sure of anything in my life than her. My mindset was already married to her.

She's been texting and sending voice notes asking for forgiveness and wanting to reconcile. I haven't replied. I'm not sure if I can move past this.

I've told our family and friend group about the cancellation and breakup. Making the rounds was embarrassing, and everyone has tons of questions. Somehow it hurts more upon each retelling.

Our friend group's been mostly understanding, but a few are advocating for me to talk things out with her. I'm not in the headspace to engage them either.

I feel like I lost the life we built and shared. How we went from engaged and the happiest we've ever been to this. How days ago we were just joking about her walking down the aisle with how clumsy she is to now be broken up.

I feel so lost, and idk where to go from here. I'm still coming to terms with everything.

Thank you to everyone who's shown support and empathy. I really appreciate it.

TL;DR Update: My fiancée's and my relationship went to hell shortly before our wedding after she confessed to sleeping with another guy a couple of times while we were on a break. She confided in her sister, who pushed her to tell me. We fought, and I told her I needed space. By my fiancée's request, we were practicing celibacy until marriage. Celibacy was important to her, but she gave herself to a random guy in a way she's never given herself to me. Ever since, she's been asking for me not to give up on us and has been super affectionate. Our wedding's around the corner, and now everything's gone wrong. I'm lost and questioning our entire relationship. I don't even trust myself anymore. I feel so stupid and like such a joke. I'm just lost. How do I move past this and navigate our relationship?

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Comments

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Whatsupdawg21

If you stay with her you relive this pain every day and in every moment. I’ve been there and like you was foolishly holding on due to sunk cost fallacy. It gets worse everyday minimizing yourself and the pain you feel. I stayed for a year after and the relationship and the fights got worse and worse. I know you’ll find happiness with someone else. Sending love.

wishingforarainyday

She’s so manipulative!! Saying you’re leaving like everyone else. What a freaking dirtbag. Please pack your important documents and things and store them away from her. Call her family and tell them she needs help and she needs to stop harassing you. She should be the one to leave.

z-eldapin

She can 'never do it again' with her next relationship.

​

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Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Suspicious_One_1695 posting in r/relationships

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 16th July 2024

Update - 24th July 2026

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Boyfriend wants to get a mortgage under his name only

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“I [F 27] and [M 29] have been together for 8 years.

have been with my boyfriend for 8years. We are not married and we love each other very much. Marriage is on the table in the future including children.

However, he has saved up a large deposit to buy a house and wants me to move in with him. He only wants to buy the house under his name only.

He will be putting the deposit (70K) towards the house and I will just move in and help with bills.

The houses we looking for are a little further away from our family and friends. I am not sure how i feel about this, as we have been together for 8years and feel it makes sense to buy together regardless of him having the full deposit.

If we love each other very much, he shouldn’t be thinking of doing it on his own.

Help me solve this situation as I need to know if I am doing the right thing moving in with him under the house he buys under his name even though he is claiming that it would be “our house” and we’ve been together for 8 YEARS.”

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Comments

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HazardousIncident

Your b/f is very smart. Buying a house with someone you're not married to is a big risk without the legal protection that marriage provides.

And yes, you should be concerned. And not about the house, but the fact that after 8 years of being together, you're not married. It makes me wonder just how committed you are to each other.

assflea

I would be concerned, yeah. You shouldn't buy a house with someone you aren't married to so he's doing the right thing by securing the mortgage alone, but why aren't you engaged after 8 years together? What's your timeline for that? Once you're married is he planning to add you to the deed?

>OOP: We were both in uni up until 3-4 years ago and both our careers are starting to take off. He wants to get married after he has secured a place for “us” to live but with the way it’s expensive to buy a house alone i have suggested we go in it together as one to expand our chances, but he is very adamant he buys the house on his own since he has been saving up for this long and its been his dream to own his “own house”. I am not sure how to think of it.

derango

Yeah, don't buy a house with someone you're not married to. Period. End of Story. If your relationship goes south it gets VERY ugly from a legal and financial perspective as there's no systems built to handle it like divorce does. He's being smart, financially. Although I'm not sure it sounds like his ACTUAL reasons match the real reason why he's being smart.

massachusettsmama

Yes. You should be concerned. You’ve been together 8 years and no real commitment. You are not Ms. Right, you’re Ms. Right Now.

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Update - 2 years later

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I [F 29] and [M 31] have been together for 10 years, however our story has now ended since my last Reddit post which I deleted 2 years ago. (I have included the original post within this post).

Hello guys, it’s been 2 years since my last reddit post regarding my situation with my partner. I just thought i would update you fast forward 2 years.

Since the post, we bought a house together with both our names on the mortgage and I contributed partly to the deposit. We have since done renovations to the house which cost us a lot of money (nearly £150K) and the house was close to finishing with renovations. Also to add he has managed to get me into debt to help fund for the renovation process. Only reason i agreed was because we were doing this for us and our future!

During this time i bought up the topic of marriage several times but his excuse was that he was waiting to propose once we move into “our new home”. I brushed this off and gave him the benefit of the doubt. However, 3 months ago i found out he was having an affair with his work colleague and this had been going on for 6 months. I was completely devastated considering all we had gone through together and we had reached 10years together.

The worst part of it all is he said he wanted to keep us both women as he loves both of us and wanted to move this girl into the house I majority put thought into making it a home. He also said that if i hadn’t found out he would have continued the affair until we moved to the new house. After i found out, and heard this nonsense i left, broke off the relationship and asked we sell the house.

I would like to express that i wish i listened to all your comments regarding leaving him and realising that he was never going to commit!! Its just crazy how someone you thought you knew can just switch easily. I am glad i managed to walk away from this without children or married and ultimately going through a divorce. Its been a rollercoaster but i am now happier than ever although we are still going through the selling process.

Might i also add he is coming out of this house process with no money as he is paying me every single penny of debt he put me through + profit proceeds to me and also paying off his mum the money he borrowed from her! I was not coming out of this destroyed!

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Comments

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Active_Sea_290

some people really do show you exactly who they are and you just don't wanna see it. glad you got out before the mortgage and the kids made it a thousand times messier the "i wanted both of you" bit is actually unhinged, like sir this is not a timeshare

>OOP: Yep! In his own words “why can’t i love 2 people at once” 🥴 it was the craziest thing Ive heard in a while! He is now losing a lot of money from the whole process due to the debts he put me in when i thought we were doing this for us!

CleanCardiologist160

Tell him to see if his other girlfriend wants to buy you out since they love each other so much.

sowellfan

When you say, "He is paying me...", I think you need to be sure to get that in some kind of writing that'll hold up in court. BC it sure sounds (at the moment) like you have his words - but that ain't worth much until you have cash in hand. You might consider speaking to an attorney.

>OOP: This is the next step in the process! Its only been 3 months since this happened so only now has the logistics started rolling in and getting the house on the market etc

CleanCardiologist160

Glad that you got your name on the house since you put so much into it. If his colleague knew that he was in a relationship, she is trash. He is definitely trash. They deserve each other. Good on you for walking away.

>OOP: Yes she did know!!!! She knew and she had the audacity to beg me not to break up with him because “he is a highly respected man at work and he loves me very much and he wants to marry you and move in with you to the new house.” 🥴.

​

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Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Sweettseraphh posting in r/AITH

Concluded as per OOP

Content Warning - >!miscarriage!<

1 update - Medium

Original - 18th July 2026

Update - 23rd July 2026

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AITAH for Expecting My Husband to Protect Me From His Mother Without a Written Invitation

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I (29F) lost my pregnancy three weeks ago at eleven weeks along. It would've been baby number two my daughter just turned two. My husband (34M) has been incredible; the kind of man who reads bedtime stories in funny voices and still checks on me mid-breakdown without being asked. After I lost the baby, I told him plainly: nobody sets foot in this house until I say I'm ready. He agreed on the spot. My sister, who usually comes by twice a week to spoil her niece, backed off the second she heard, sending sweet check-in texts instead of showing up. Simple. Everyone got it. Everyone except, apparently, my mother-in-law.

She has a "standing Sunday brunch" she insists on hosting in MY kitchen every week using a spare key she was never supposed to have. This is a woman who told me, four days postpartum, that I "bounced back slower" than she did. When I was seven months pregnant with my daughter, she looked at the nursery we'd just finished and said, "I wouldn't get too attached to that color scheme, you never know with these things," while my husband stood right there and said nothing. She calls my daughter "a handful" to her face and snatches snacks out of her hands "as a joke." Not one kind word to me in nine years. So when my blanket "nobody comes over" rule didn't seem to register as including her, I figured it was a fluke. IT WAS NOT. Last Sunday I heard her key turn in the lock while I was crying on the bathroom floor, and she breezed in like nothing was wrong.

When I confronted my husband, he said I should've named her specifically that it wasn't fair to expect him to "just know," even though he knows about the key, the brunches, the nursery comment that gutted me in real time. I told him a blanket rule shouldn't need a footnote for the one person who's hurt me the most. He says I'm being unreasonable and that he can't read minds. AITAH for assuming "nobody comes over" obviously included the woman with an unauthorized key to my house?

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Comments

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happyrunnergirlie

Have the locks changed immediately. She is heartless. And you husband is definitely tah

>OOP: The locks are getting changed Monday, no discussion. Reading 'she's heartless' typed out by a stranger honestly still hit different than it should've. And the husband part I want to defend him, I really do, but I've been sitting with 'you should've specified' for days now and it just keeps sounding worse the more I replay it. Since when does grief need a legal disclaimer to be respected? Maybe you're right. Maybe he's TA too. I didn't want to believe both people I trusted with my house let me down the same week

morbid_n_creepifying

EVEN IF your MIL was the kindest, most angelic and supportive person on this planet and you wanted to spend every second of every day with her - nobody means nobody. Why the fuck wouldn't it include her? Is there anyone else (outside of the people who live in your house) that your husband would have assumed the ban didn't apply to? It doesn't make any fucking sense. He's either spineless, obtuse, or both.

Why should you have specified when it's obvious he understood that the blanket ban applied to everyone else? Why would she have been an exception? Especially given the fact she's cruel and selfish.

Lexa19_HK

NTA husband keeps failing you. Your husband needs to grow a backbone and put his mother in her place. He needs to set boundaries with his mom. Start by sending a group text MIL, husband, you/ tell her you do not appreciate her disrespecting your boundaries over and over again. Her comments about your body and refinance are rude and uncalled for. She doesn’t respect your rules for your own child and treats her badly. Till she learns to treat you and your daughter with love and respect she is not welcome in your home or in your lives. All future communications will go through your husband if need. Then block her. If anyone else tries to defend her, say you’re the problem they also get blocked. Change the locks tomorrow and don’t give her a key. You can even do a digital code (everyone gets a different odd so you will know who told her) or fingerprint scanner lock. I’m so sorry for your loss. Hugs

>OOP: Reading this through actual tears. You're right that I keep making excuses for him 'he just doesn't want conflict with his mom,' 'he's not used to standing up to her' like that's supposed to make it hurt less. It doesn't. Locks are getting changed first thing tomorrow morning, not waiting till Monday anymore, and I love the code idea, that way I never have to guess who let her in again. I haven't sent the group text yet but I've got it typed out in my notes app just sitting there. Terrified to send it. But also so tired of being the only one protecting this house. Thank you for the hug, I really needed it today.

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**Judgement - NTA**

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Update - 5 days later

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A few people asked for an update, so here it is. Quick recap if you missed the original post: I lost my pregnancy at eleven weeks, told my husband nobody comes over until I say so, and his mother let herself into our house anyway with a key she was never supposed to have. When I confronted him, he said I should've named her specifically. The verdict was overwhelmingly NTA, but a lot of you gave me the same advice: name her, put it in writing, take away every excuse.

So I did, texting her myself with him standing right there: no coming over until I invite her, brunch included. He said that should do it. IT DID NOT. Four days later I found her unloading groceries onto my counter like she'd finally gotten that written invitation herself, and when I asked why she was in my house, she told me I needed to move around more, that moping wouldn't bring a baby back, that it wasn't really a baby yet this early anyway, all while putting my own eggs away in my own fridge.

I called my husband, and for the first time he didn't ask me to calm down before telling him what happened, just to repeat exactly what she'd said. He walked into the kitchen and told her to leave and hand over the key on her way out, in a voice I'd never heard from him before. She cried, called it an ambush, and has since told his sister I've cut her off from her own grandchild, which isn't true and which he's already corrected twice.

The locks got changed that same afternoon. He apologized for real this time, and admitted he's spent years excusing comments that never needed excusing, and that hearing one aimed at me, about this, was the first time he couldn't manage it. I believe him. I just can't stop noticing that it took her cruelty to his face for a rule I'd already stated plainly to finally count. So, AITAH for still feeling like something's a little broken between us, even though he did exactly what he should've done the moment he actually witnessed it himself?

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Comments

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DazzlingPotion

You are NTA, your feelings are valid and I am very sorry for your loss.

>OOP: Thank you, genuinely. Outside of my sister, strangers on this post have managed "sorry for your loss" with more sincerity than my mother-in-law has in three weeks, ten minutes away. Still sitting with the rest of it, but this actually helped.

kevnmartin

This is a rare one. Good for you for laying out your boundaries so clearly and good for your husband for backing you up. I bet you feel like a huge weight is off your shoulders. Kudos!

>OOP: Glad to hear that! The boundary part, yes, real progress. The "weight off my shoulders" part is more complicated hard to feel pure relief when it took her being that cruel to my face for him to finally act instead of just believing me the first time. Getting there, though.

kevnmartin

When you have a mother as overbearing as she is, it sometimes takes something really undeniably blatant to finally see her real face.

BrilliantGeologist82

I agree with this. Yes, husband should have believed his wife. But, she has likely manipulated and walked all over him his entire life, so it complicates the situation. However, the fact that he stood up to her and backed OP up as soon as it was irrefutable is very encouraging!!

kevnmartin

Extremely, some people never see the light.

Old-Ninja-113

NTA but he stepped up finally. Your MIL is a handful! OMFG the nerve of her!

>OOP: Yeah, he finally stepped up, and I'm relieved he did. I just wish it hadn't taken something that cruel for him to see what I'd been trying to tell him all along. And my MIL I don't think I'll ever get over the audacity of letting herself into my house and acting like she belonged there after everything.

C6H11CN

Try to see it as he had to break through >30 years of conditioning and breaking him down weighing on top of him. Now that he's broken through that wall and seen the light, everything will become obvious to him.

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ArchiLoveSen posting in r/AITAH

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 15th June 2026

Update - 21st July 2026

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AITAH for not giving my fiancé’s sister (30F) a plus-one to our wedding for her boyfriend (30M) of one month after she blocked my fiancé (30M)?

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My fiancé (36M) and I (31F) are planning our wedding. We’ve been together for many years, and we recently sent out our invitations.

We decided to follow a general rule for plus-ones: guests only get a plus-one if they are married, engaged, living together or in a more established relationship. We are not giving casual/new partners automatic invites mostly because of numbers, cost and trying to keep things consistent.

My fiancé’s sister (35F) has a very tense relationship with him/us. From our perspective she struggles to have calm and constructive conversations. From her perspective she feels like we don’t understand her and that she is always being attacked.

The last time my fiancé and his sister were together, things ended badly. She was shouting at her young child for what felt like a long time and was saying some hurtful things. My fiancé stepped in and said something along the lines of, “Okay, that’s enough.” She did not take that well, asked him to leave and then blocked him.

Since then she has not spoken to him directly.

When we sent out the wedding invitations we did not give her a plus-one because she has only been with her current boyfriend for about a month. We applied the same rule to everyone else.

Now she has sent their dad to ask why she did not get a plus-one. This has annoyed us because my fiancé is literally blocked by her but she is still demanding a plus-one through a third party instead of speaking to us herself - like an adult.

We feel like it is unfair for her to refuse direct communication with us but still expect us to accommodate her new boyfriend (or apparently she is going to bring her best friend if her and her BF are not together) at our wedding. We also don’t want extra drama on the day, especially given the existing tension.

At the same time, I do understand that she may feel weird attending alone.

AITA for not giving my fiancé’s sister a plus-one to our wedding when she has only been with her boyfriend for about a month and currently has my fiancé blocked?

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Comments

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lymers

NTA its not even like she will be alone. Its a family event, so she will know a good chunk of people there.

>OOP: TRUE! I'm actually going to use that/point that out! She has her whole immediate family as well as her aunts and uncles!

Designer_Thought2907

This is the hill you die on. She already blocked her brother, so what else can she do to kill the relationship?

>OOP: True - what relationship is there even?

hailspork

Given that she blocked you, I'm surprised she got an invite.

Aiyokusama

Why is she even coming at all? o.O She has her brother BLOCKED. She's decided to go no contact, so respect that and don't have her at the wedding. NTA for your rule, which is perfectly reasonable and one I wish my cousin had at her wedding. It would have stopped my idiot bf of the time from getting ideas.

>OOP: We are very close to just not having her at all! But as she is the golden child he doesn't want to cause waves with his parents - it is all to political and we are beyond frustrated!

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**Judgement - NTA**

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Update - 5 weeks later

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Well... I don't think the plus-one is an issue anymore.

Since my original post there hadn't been any contact between my fiancé and his sister. Then today she reached out to him about an unrelated matter.

He responded politely but the conversation quickly deteriorated - turned into more accusations about past events with both of them clearly seeing things very differently – I have had the same experience with her – there is reality and then there is her reality (spoiler alert - it is not the same). The reason I am bringing this up is in her messages (in the past as well as today) she speaks of the different realities - it makes it very difficult to speak to her.

Eventually my fiancé said that given where things stand it would probably be better if they just left each other alone.

At the end of their conversation he said that while they were speaking she didn't need to worry about the wedding anymore because it would just be awkward for everyone involved – she responded “I wasn’t” – which was a little ironic, considering she'd previously had their dad asking why she didn't get a plus-one and whether she could bring her new boyfriend (or alternatively a friend).

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Comments

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ilovedragons218

I think you dodged a bullet because she would have caused drama at the wedding, but FYI, she may still try to come; just keep in the back of your mind. Now go & have a great day.

>OOP: Thank you and we also think she might show up - but there is a check in at security so we will probably give her name to security to not let her in.

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I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/manbearpigserial posting in r/AITAH

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 10th April 2026

Update - 21st July 2026

Editor's note - partner here refers to business partner, a common way for law firms to be structured

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AITAH if I allow my law firm to be sold or go out of business?

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Lont story short I (M37) am a minority partner in a law firm. My partner (M81) owns 90% of the business, I own 10%. I was brought on about 2 years ago as a means of resolving a cash flow issue. I'm basically a silent partner. It's been great for me as I've made my investment back and then some from my share of profits and he handles all the parts of running a business that suck like bookkeeping, marketing, etc.

My partner has been insistent for about a week now that we make time to have lunch just the 2 of us. Us doing lunch together isn't super unusual, but him being so insistent was, so I knew something was up. Today that finally worked out.

We talked and he told me he thinks it's time to retire. He wants to wrap things up on his end and be done by the end of the year. The big reason he wanted to talk to me is he wants me to buy him out.

Now under our partnership agreement, he had to offer it to me first, so I figured maybe this is just a formality. I said I am happy for him and his retirement, it's well deserved, and he should enjoy the rest of his life. However, I don't want the business.

He seemed pretty taken back by that to my surprise. He said if I didn't take it he has someone else in mind he would sell it to but he'd rather I take it over. I know the attorney he wants to sell to and I like and respect that attorney. He was actually a senior associate at a law firm I worked at when I first became a lawyer and was somewhat of a mentor to me. We still talk pretty often.

He will make the purchase wanting to increase his client base, but that's all the transaction will really be to him. He would want our client book so to speak but he won't want staff and the other parts of the firm.

That's the problem.

I am protected, the new partner either would have to buy me out too or we would have to work out a structure where I become a partner in the merged law firms in some way. Perhaps I'm no longer a partner but I can give up my shares in return for a job or a buyout. I'm going to make money off of this or have a job. It's really not a big deal to me, especially since this other attorney and I have a good relationship, I'm confident him and I would work something out.

My coworkers, however, are not. This lawyer will almost certainly fire more than half of the people I work with. These people rely on this job, have families, mortgages, etc. I would feel terrible knowing I could have saved their jobs and didn't.

On the other hand, I have never wanted to run a business. It's not in my dna to do all of the things being the majority owner is required to do. I don't want to have to worry about things like cash flow, expenses, marketing, etc.

Our conversation ended with my partner saying why don't I take the weekend and truly think about if I want this and we can talk Monday. I said that's unlikely to change things but sure.

I'm not changing my mind. It's just not what I want to do, and it doesn't line up with my goals at this time. I know this means my coworkers will probably lose their jobs.

AITAH for allowing that to happen?

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Comments

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Brownie-0109

This is not on you If he’s concerned about the livelihood of the other employees there, he should re-consider who he’s selling to

>OOP: Idk how concerned he is. I'm concerned

cawkstrangla

While noble, if you don't want to stick around as an owner, then you will lose your power at some point and these people will be fired regardless. You're not really doing anything but delaying the inevitable. At best you can negotiate a buy out that gives these people a nice severance.

I'm not sure what you're really going to accomplish but NTA.

Cezzium

There is a saying.

Do not light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

it is difficult to contemplate people being let go. As your partner asked you, spend this time to do the attorney thing. pros and cons. make sure you know the answer to every question you can think of. how much institutional knowledge does the partner have, what would x or y or z look like, etc.

then do what make the most sense to you. If you really think you could make it go with additional staff for operations and it would not drag you down, then do that. if you really cannot see yourself in a major role then you need to let it go.

Cute-Profession9983

How in this are YTA? You're an investor. And if the narrative is to be believed, not a predatory one. You are a 10% minority owner who apparently does nothing but collect checks at this point. I don't think any reasonable person would expect you to suddenly become boss of the business. Cash out! Most of us don't get to...

>OOP: I don't just collect paychecks. I also am an attorney and do typical attorney work for the firm

Cute-Profession9983

Are you invested in the day to day operations as an attorney? Your screed made it sound like you were a silent partner in rhe wings. Do the day to day employees see you as someone who would take the reins?

>OOP: I have 3 people that report to me directly and when my partner isn't around due to vacation or something like that then everyone reports to me until he returns. They've all reported to me at some point or another.

Cosmo_Cloudy

So you're a boss with a 10% share. These people are probably expecting you to take over because they know they'll otherwise be fired. I know you don't want to buy it, but you also feel concern for these people you've grown to know. Have you considered buying him out to keep your employees, and then selling 90% of the company to someone else again entirely, with the caveat they keep all current employees for a set amount of time, and X amount of time notice of a termination date? Or have you considered telling the guy selling 90% that he should do this with the other guy?

>OOP: Easier said than done. I'd have to find a buyer on those terms and that's not going to be easy or potentially even possible.

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**Judgement - NTA**

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Update - 3 months later

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Figured I would update everyone what ended up happening. Long story short, I did not buy the firm, and the firm was sold to the lawyer discussed in my previous email. The sale closed just over a month ago.

The new attorney, as previously mentioned was a former mentor, was happy to take me on as a partner. He told me I could not put any additional money in and my share in the merged firms would be around 4%, I could put money in and buy in at any percentage I wanted up to 25%, or I could be bought out and either just be an employee or find a new job.

I ended up putting in money to the venture and own 10% of the firm post-merger, same as the old firm. My responsibilities remain largely unchanged.

As for my co-workers not all of them lost their jobs.

My old boss/partner is staying on through the end of the year to help with the transition. He is now technically an employee which is a funny dynamic now between him and I. He jokingly tried giving me an order the day after the merger and we both laughed when I told him, from now on I'll be the one giving him the orders. He is then officially retiring at the end of the year and moving out of state to be closer to his son and new grandchild. I found out this is the reason he wanted to get out of the business and retire. He also had a minor health scare that I didn't know about that hastened his decision.

Of the 3 other attorneys in our firm, 1 of them is employed at the new firm. 1 of them was let go but given a month's severance. The 1 I mentioned in comments had demons unfortunately succumbed to their demons about 2 weeks after my post.

Our secretary likewise lost her job as the firm we merged with already had one. She was given severance.

Of our other staff (paralegals, clerks, etc.) of which there were 7 at the old firm, 3 of them got to keep their jobs. However, one of them quit rather than staying on. My paralegal was one of the ones who got to stay along with the paralegal of the other attorney we kept on. The others were given severance.

All employees who lost their jobs were given letters of recommendation from both my former boss/partner and I. I was able to get 1 of the paralegals a job at a firm I knew was hiring. Another 1 of them I heard has a job at another firm through the grapevine. I am not sure what happened to the others.

The last month has been different, but overall, I think everyone still here is happy. My new boss/partner and I get along well so far.

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Comments

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Old-Ninja-113

NTA Nice! You guys seemed to look after those that got let go. Seems like it worked out!

>OOP: We definitely tried to help where we could. Thank you!!

brownmajikk

I’m a little surprised that your valuation in the merged firm was less than half given that the old firm was much larger than the one doing the buying

>OOP: Larger by employees and case load, yes, but the other firm had higher value cases and clients. We're also in a space that's rent is pretty pricey where they are in a space that the firm owns the building. We occupied 2 suites in our building and now we're just going to occupy 1 which will shrink costs.

>After seeing the books the other firm had a higher profit margin and owning the building also boosts that business' value

Restivethought

Dang this led to someone taking their life?

>OOP: No, sorry if it gives that impression. He had issues with addiction and unfortunately those issues claimed his life. It was not believed to be a suicide. Edit: It also happened before anyone at the firm besides my old boss and I knew about the potential merger or my boss looking to sell the company

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRA-724 posting in r/confessions

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 19th July 2026

Update - 21st July 2026

I’m in love with my best fiend and have been for 12 years

I literally downloaded Reddit for this and I feel so stupid. I’ve read a few of the confessions here and there all like “wow”. But I’ve never told anyone this and i genuinely feel like I’m losing my mind.

I’m in love with my best friend. I have been since we were 15. (Now we’re 27)The way he smiles, talks, laughs, walks, bro the way he breaths make me fall deeper in love with him. It’s like everyday I unlock a little more about him and I can’t help it.

He’s the greatest guy I’ve ever met. He’s funny and so so kind and respectful. He’s just such a genuine person and always makes sure you’re ok. Seeing him smile makes me smile almost instantly cause he’s just that kind of person. It’s sound cliche but he really doesn’t light up a room.

He’s always done whatever it takes to be there for me. When my car broke down he basically gave me his car for three weeks and rode the bus everywhere. He literally skipped one of his soccer practices when we were in high school because I was crying and took me to get ice cream.

He remembers the little things like how I said I like coconut creamer specifically in my coffee or how I have to fall asleep with something playing the background. Anytime I’m over at his house he sleeps on the couch and lets me take his bed so I can have the tv on. It probably sounds stupid but it means so much to me. He means so much to me.

When I’m with him it’s like everything is fine in the world. Even when things are bad I know that I’ll be ok. He has a stable job, his own house, a car, he’s basically the perfect guy.

I just don’t know how to tell him. And honestly I probably never will. I’ve dated a few guys before but only for very little and we never did anything together. I just kept looking for him in all of them and I couldn’t find it.

He’s also dated a few girls but they were more long term and he’s been single for like 8 months now. I’m just scared that if I’ll tell him I’ll ruin everything. Right now we’re perfect. What if I tell him and it’s awkward? Or he thinks it’s weird? Or he hates me? Or he doesn’t want to be friends anymore?

I just don’t want to lose him. He’s everything to me. So if being his friend for the rest of my life and never telling him how I feel keep us together, then I’ll do just that. I’ll be his bestfriend. And he’ll be my world. I’ll probably be there for his wedding and I’ll have to smile and clap as the man I would literally die for walks into his new life with another women. It sucks to think about but it’s just the way it is.

If you read this thank you for listening to me ramble. I’ll probably never say this out loud but hey at least I typed it right?😭.

Comments

GREYDRAGON1

So here’s the thing life is made up of moments of absolute courage. 30 seconds can change your life. You’re an adult now, so have the adult conversation. Tell him how you feel, tell him you’d like to try. If he’s a true friend you may be the best together, if he’s a true friend and it doesn’t work you’ll still be friends. But it starts with 30 seconds of courage and a converataion

>OOP: You’re right I’m gunna talk to him about it. I’m almost 30 I can’t keep hiding how I feel. Thank you

GeneralLate5860

the coconut creamer and the tv thing got me. he already loves you he just doesn't know it yet

>OOP: He always notices things like that and it’s one of the things I love the most about him

Ben62194

What if op he's in love with you as well and he's thinking the same? You never know untill you go for it!

skeeballbob37

if you dont speak up now while you are both single, you will regret it for the rest of your life. you will always wonder "what if" and picture a life that never happened. the worst that can happen is he wont feel the same way. you have been friends long enough that it probably wont hurt the friendship but on the flip side this is the kind of thing that can end in a lifelong happy marriage.

give it a shot, ask him if he ever wondered if the two of you could be more and if he is willing to give it a try to find out.

>OOP: Thank you. These comments have convinced me to give it a go. I’m scared but I gotta at least try

Update - 1 day later

So uhh guys I did it. I told him and it went fucking great😭 idk how to type this so that it’s short but basically I invited him over and sat him down and said I had something important to tell him.

I don’t remember exactly what I said cause I was just sort of rambling. But I was pretty much saying how he was a great person and how I’ve been feeling this for a while and just wanted to get it off my chest. I said that I had feelings for him and have for a while and just wanted to know how he would feel about maybe trying to be more than friends.

And dude idk why it might’ve been because I had some wine before he came over to loosen my nerves or the fact that I’m on my period but I started crying😭 like deadass sobbing and went on like a little rant about how I didn’t want to lose him and if he didn’t feel the same way it was totally ok and I completely understood.

The entire time he was quiet and I thought I was so done and then he just burst out laughing and hugged me.😭 And uh then he kissed me and I swear to god I think I died, went to heaven, and was reborn😭 we talked and he basically said that he felt the same way and has for a few years he just didn’t want to mess up the routine we had

Then uhh you know some adult decisions were made. And honestly I see why everyone would rave about it when I was younger. It was my first time and it was great😭 after we took a shower together and he gave me a massage and ordered tacos. It was really cute.

Thank you to everyone that convinced me to tell him cause I would’ve never gotten the courage. He’s laying next to me right now and laughing like an asshole as he watches me write this😒I showed him the post I made and he said I had to give an update so here ya go😭.

He keeps making fun of how long I’ve liked him for. He’s never gunna let this go I can’t believe I like this idiot😭.

Comments

Southern_Coast_1249

Congrats on finally getting that off your chest after 12 years, that's a hell of a weight to carry around The crying part got me though, I would've been the same way. Wine and period hormones teaming up is basically a recipe for emotional chaos but sounds like it worked out perfectly anyway Him laughing and then just going for it is such a classic move. He was probably sitting there the whole time thinking "finally" while you were rambling Enjoy your tacos and your idiot, you earned this

>OOP: Thank you! Yea probably wasn’t the best moment for me but hey it worked out

Huts_Almera

"he's laying next to me laughing as I write this" is the ending everyone deserved. 12 years and tacos. perfect

doom-cupcake

12 years is honestly a long time to sit on something and i respect the commitment to the bit

>OOP: Yea time honestly just flew by. One day we were in high school and skipping class to hang out and then next we were in our late 20s😭

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments