u/Shoddy-Tomorrow-383

I'm so tired, lads.

Back with another steak, peaches, potatoes and salad.

Deleted my last post cause I learned some information that made me feel like I could not be loved for no reason (melodramatic).

I thought I was gonna marry this girl.

She is so free. She looks like a painting. The very image of femininity in creation.

She was polyam when we met, I thought I was to, apparently not, just manic (SCORE!).

Crazy shit happened, I had to bring her to my home (I live with my family), I guess she felt like she owed it to me to let the relationship be exclusive. Not what I wanted.

But I didn't make a fuss, partly because I just didn't know, and partly because I thought she was happy and so was I.

For a while I thought that something had to give, things would just click into place and issues would fall away. I thought doing my best to do the work would fix it.

She has big plans, dreams and money moves. I am disabled, in pain, fluctuating sense of self (clinically). I feel like a chuUUuUUuUUd.

I bring nothing and never have brought anything besides emotional comfort to friendships, familial relationships, this relationship. It's awesome.

She wants to be friends. I want to be around her, I gotta, she's like a magnetic sun. She loves me. As much as she's ever felt love. Just not exactly how I want.

She says maybe if she takes some years and really thinks about it, gets to know herself.

I would wait that long. I'd be unhappy, anxious, knowing she was out with other people, intimate, etc. So I won't let myself stay attached to her like that. I'm going the no hope route.

As best I can..

I can't stop thinking about the ring I was gonna get her, that we picked out over a year ago. Moss agate.

We were together for a long time. But not long enough.

I gotta end this lmao, I'm getting too sad and she's sitting right here.

1. Based off the barbie.com website dress up princess games, there were different color swatches that would give you separate dresses in that color, I can always hear the sparkly/glittery sound effect that it would make when I look at it.

2. Dan and Phil (representing the YouTubers)......my little guys. Did it in a bad spot (mentally), and mostly it was just an attempt to stay sane and grounded, remembering the things that have gotten me through, etc. For some reason the blue is muddy, maybe because my skin is strange. I know the black heart has a weird little tail/arm, I'll fix him some day if I don't become emotionally attached to it.

3. Carl. One of my first tattoos. Did it in a painful place cause I needed some pain. I've touched him up once. He just looks at me. And I look at him.

None of my tats are perfect, or amazing, but I do them rather than self harming. So they make me proud.

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I saved her and I guess that meant she owed me. It goes back and forth. She's leaving to be with her family in a red state as a trans woman and I just have to bear it.

I've never loved anyone so much and she doesn't even know how she feels about me.

This has messed me up more than any friendship I've had, I'm never gonna be able to know if I'm really loved even if people say it or hold me and kiss me.

She says she loves me but it doesn't feel like love when she backtracks and wants to leave.

Yeah it's her life and I want her to be happy and safe and I can't provide that but leaving me behind romantically and physically to go somewhere dangerous is my worst nightmare. But then again that's how we met, she was engaging in dangerous activity.

I guess I just have to learn to stop loving.

This is as good as it gets.

Been in a weird place with my girlfriend(/ex girlfriend??) it's been on and off during mental health issues, me struggling with disability and the inability to make income and her wanting to move across country and go to school but only able to financially support herself.

I guess we're off right now, it's hard to remember cause I have a dissociative disorder as well and sometimes in dissociated states I'll break up with her (super awesome(not)).

I've struggled with self esteem and worth like I'm not worth anything if I'm not providing things for people. She's helped me realize how wrong that is.

Emotionally right now we're just chilling, no labels, still super close as we live together. We love each other dearly, understand each other when others don't take time to understand us, it's deep. Ya know.

I was taking a nap in our bed today and she was beside me, I'm a super light sleeper, and I sorta woke up cause she moved and then in my sleepy state I realized she kissed my temple, I can't remember if it was a few times or what, but I fell back to sleep.

I've cried twice recalling it. Three times now, awesome.

Knowing that I can be loved and desired even when the person doing so isn't gaining anything by me being aware to recognize it is absolutely destroying me. That and the fact that I didn't have to do ANYTHING for it.

I keep wondering what it was that made her do it. Was it how I looked? Is it just cause she loves me? Just cause she was nearby and felt like it? Something in my brain struggles to get WHY.

She's so...I can't even explain it.

But my stupid brain keeps telling me if we actually break up for good, go our separate ways, the memory gonna break me. I think maybe it's OCD? I don't know.

Anyway after that I went and made this NY strip. First time making it. Super thick, fatty, did NOT enjoy it. Was getting kinda freaked out at just how thick it was. I will stick to my sirloin I think.

Like man....I'm 24 and I still feel like I'm 16 (ignore the dissociative disorder), I just had my first relationship at 22💔💔 like that's so embarrassing dawg I hate thinking about the fact that I wasted my teenage years being anti-social, autistic and dissociated (not to dog on being autistic I just legit didn't know that's what was hindering me socially so bad).

Legit I wasted about two years of my teenage life *writing*. What kind of fucking intellectual 14 year old just spends all day every day writing a novel, three revisions, etc?! Me. My homeschooled ass, my mom loved it cause it was legit just school, all the time, researching for my book in between math and science.

I thought I was a grown adult beyond socialization and I was already starting my life and success by writing this book, every attempt my parents made to get me to socialize was met with resistance either due to a superiority complex or just fear of being viewed.

Even now I just jump back and forth between things to dissociate to, it's awesome.

I'm so booored. I so wish I wasn't disabled as fuck and could just hitchhike across the country, walk when I couldn't get a ride, but nooooo, give it an hour MAX and my back will seize, my ankles will start to dislocated and the heat will give me hives.

Why can't the air be made of gaseous pain meds and the great outdoors be greatly air conditioned?? Fuck my stupid first world country life.

She didn't ruin MY life but she did ruin a 12 year olds life. Idk if it will be the rot in her soul or the blackness in her lungs from chain-smoking that will be the first make her feel anything.