u/SmokeSignals84

It’s not romantic love. But I’m sure that the feeling is a kind of love. Love that’s very specific to the therapy relationship. I’ve been seeing him for a long time and feel very close to him. Is it okay to label that feeling as love?

Today, my therapist and I were discussing the needs that therapy is meeting for me. He said maybe we should talk about frequency, and told me that I’m welcome to start seeing him twice a week - either regularly or occasionally. He said we can talk about it any time, and we can talk about money and logistics too.

I do feel really glad to have the option - though I’m not sure whether I’ll take him up on it right now or now. But,the more I think about it, the more confused I am about why he would offer now. It seems out of the blue. I’ve been seeing him for two years, and it’s never come up before. Right now, I’m doing reasonably well. But there have been times while I’ve been seeing him when things have been really bad, and I’ve struggled terribly between sessions. So why wouldn’t he have offered then?

I will talk to him about this next session. I’m just feeling a bit uncertain and wondered if anyone had any thoughts.

I’ve realised I’m in the wrong job. I can’t stand being tied to a desk and staring at a screen all day. I have a very deadline-driven job, and that doesn’t really suit me. I’m taking steps to change my career, but it’s taking a bit of time.

I started a new role on Monday. Before that, I had a week off. It was the best week I’ve had in months, maybe years, I felt so good. But, only two days into this new job and I already feel exhausted, sad, depleted. It’s a good company and a decent position. I’m just already drained. 8 hours of staring at a screen and reading policy documents and e-learning. This can’t be my life.

How can I make this easier? I’m trying so hard. I’m so disappointed that I already feel so low.

I understand that transference is essentially the projection of existing patterns or roles in the client’s life onto the therapy relationship - but I’m a little confused about how exactly that works.

My therapist believes (and I agree) that I cast him in an ‘older brother’ type of role. So, does that mean that I’m projecting the patterns that I experienced in my real relationship with my actual brother, or am I projecting the relationship I wish I had with my brother?

I see a humanistic and integrative psychotherapist. I’m in the UK. My therapist has told me often that he believes in drawing on many different models and ideas, and will use the methods and tools that best fit each client.

But, he also leans heavily on the humanistic side of things. He’s very person-centred, and as a result doesn’t offer much structure or direction. He follows wherever I go. Sometimes I love that, and sometimes I find it frustrating. We’ve talked about it plenty - he has told me that he can see that sometimes I want him to be a bit more directive, and he can’t decide whether to indulge that or not.

So, for example - we agreed to try out an exercise recently where I would talk to different parts of myself. It went really badly. He told me that he hadn’t done much prep, and asked me to set out how I’d like the exercise to be structured. I felt really uncertain, but every time I asked him something, he deflected back to me. So, I’d ask “do you think this part of me is a young part, should I talk to it as if it’s my child self?” And he’d say “well, what do you think?”

So, what I’m asking is - how much structure can I reasonably expect from this type of therapist? I figured that the ‘integrative’ part meant that, if there are times that I need it, he could lean a bit more directive. But maybe not?

Particularly those in private practice?

Every time my therapist takes some time off, he asks me how I’m feeling about the break. I try hard to be honest about it, and say exactly how I’m feeling. Sometimes we talk about it, sometimes it doesn’t warrant much of a conversation.

The most recent time, for example, I told him truthfully that I feel ambivalent. I think that the break would do me good, because I do find therapy very hard, but I also felt a little jolt of worry at the thought of not having the support for a month. He said that those were understandable emotions, and we moved on.

So, what I’m wondering is - what sort of thing are therapists hoping to hear when asking how their client feels about a therapy break? What’s a reassuring answer, and on the flip side, what sort of feeling would cause you to worry or take notice?

I often feel fundamentally unloveable and not good enough. I’m really trying to work on it in therapy. My therapist told me that I have all the things that a person needs to be loveable. He said that he knows this to be true because he sees it in me every week. It was a very kind thing of him to say, and it stuck with me. I really want to believe it.

I know that a lot of people will believe that everybody has the capacity to be loved. But, I don’t know whether I think that’s true. What do you think are the qualities that make a person loveable?

I don’t know why I just can’t seem to get on top of things. I’m 31 and I feel like my lifestyle is way behind my peers. Sometimes I think I’m trying very hard, and other times I feel like maybe I’ve given up.

Tonight, I was on a call with a friend. And he was talking about what he was making for dinner - salmon parcels. He was describing how to make them and how easy it is to tweak the flavours. And my mind just drifted to my kitchen full of easy stuff. Pizza, pasta, pre-cut fruit pots. Some nights I just eat cereal.

It’s not even that I’m a bad cook. I don’t hate cooking, I just don’t even think about it. I was never really taught any recipes or any ‘adult’ skills. I feel too exhausted from existing to bother. I just about keep on top of basic chores and my job. What if I never catch up?

Okay, so this is a really specific and kind of ridiculous problem that I’ve probably blown out of proportion.

I use Duolingo. A few months ago, my therapist popped up on my ‘suggested friends’ list on there. He’s linked by his phone number, which I have saved in my contacts. I was surprised - I didn’t follow him (obviously) but I did have a nose around his profile. I could see the profiles of some of his friends and family members that he’s following. I can see what language he’s learning, and all that sort of thing. I thought it was nice, and felt a little guilty that I had some information about him that he hadn’t chosen to share.

In the months since, he’s mentioned casually that he sometimes uses Duolingo. I didn’t say that I’d seen his profile. The guilt subsided and I didn’t think about it much. But, for the past few weeks, I’ve found myself checking his profile every now and then after I do my own lesson on the app. I think it makes me feel more connected to him. He’s away on a break at the moment, and I realised I’ve been checking it more often.

I’ve started to think that, not only is this creating a habit that isn’t good for me, but it’s actually something I should have told him about. I think I’ve probably been reluctant to tell him and lose the imagined ‘connection’. But, actually, this might be something he hasn’t realised is out there? What do you think?

My Mother was not my primary abuser, but she was emotionally abusive and our relationship was complex for a long time. I’m an adult now, and we’re close. I’m able to forgive most of what she did and we have a good relationship.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about some of the more minor things she did/said about my body when I was a teenager that made me uncomfortable. Because they’re on the less serious side, I’m wondering if they were as inappropriate as I think they were, or if it’s just part of an awkward parent-teenager relationship. Any insight into whether these things are okay would be greatly appreciated, because I’m truly unsure.

1. she always insisted on telling me that she knew when I was on my period. I told her over and over that it made me uncomfortable, that I didn’t want her to know what was going on with my body. She said she had a right to know because she was the one that bought the tampons, and emptied the bathroom trash. I asked if I could have my own trash can and buy my own tampons, and she said no. She said something every single month for years.

2. when I was 16, I decided to sleep naked one night during a heatwave (door closed). The next day she said something about how perfect my breasts were and how jealous she was. I’ve always suspected she came in my room while I was asleep.

3. when I was 17, I started having sex with my boyfriend. (Age of consent here is 16). She knew, because I’d asked her for advice on getting contraception and she refused to help. One night, during an argument, she blew up at me, saying how disgusting I was for having sex. She said that she had to wash semen stains out of my underwear. This just wasn’t true - I’d have never, ever left semen on my underwear. And I’d have done my own washing if she’d have let me, but she wouldn’t.

These are just a couple of examples of things I’m unsure of. Tell me what you think?

I was in my therapy session today. I was talking a lot about ADHD and how it affects me. I don’t talk about it often, but today it was just flowing. My therapist (man, mid-30s, neurotypical) was 95% wonderful. But, it’s becoming increasingly apparent that he knows nothing about ADHD - even though he lists it as an area he can treat on his profile.

He had never heard of the term ‘executive dysfunction’. He was a bit surprised to hear about my sensory issues. And then, when I was talking about how difficult it is to form habits and how often I forget to take my meds, he gestured to his own diary and said “you could get a diary”.

He definitely meant it kindly, but I’m frustrated. I am pretty dependent on my phone calendar and reminders, which he’s aware of. I have a pile of diaries at home gathering dust. This isn’t a diary issue. I have been told to get a diary more times than I can remember.

I don’t know why I’m posting this. I’m just frustrated and not feeling seen, so maybe I thought I’d come to a place where people understand for some support.

I’ve been seeing my therapist for a couple of years now. He usually takes a week or two off a few times a year. Sometimes I find these breaks fine - welcome, if anything. Sometimes, though, I struggle and really miss my sessions.

A few weeks ago, he told me he’s taking three weeks off over the summer. It’s never been that long before. I’m a bit ashamed to say I had a little jolt of panic. Three weeks off is four weeks between sessions. He said it casually, like it wasn’t unusual, so I didn’t say anything about my surprise. But, now the break is coming up and I’m starting to feel uneasy.

I will talk to him about it. He always asks how I’m feeling before he goes on a break. But I’m feeling embarrassed and worried.

How do you get through therapy breaks? Is it okay that I’m feeling anxious?

Well, I wrote it. We had talked last week about how I process after a session, and I decided to write down all my thoughts and feelings in the 24 hours following as a bit of an experiment. I wrote a couple of pages. On one of them I wrote that my therapist is the safest person in my life, and I’m not sure if that’s okay.

Today, I decided to let him read what I wrote. He said he wasn’t sure whether he had earned the right to read something so personal, which I thought was interesting. Once he had read it, he said he was honored and touched, that he wants me to feel safe with him, and that it is okay that I feel that way. He made a point of saying that the safety was co-created between us, so he couldn’t take the credit.

I feel simultaneously embarrassed and incredibly grateful and cared for.

I posted a couple of days ago saying that I had been offered a job, but they lowballed and I had to ask for more money. Original post is here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/UKJobs/s/8eMO3d4IZd

I’m posting an update to say that they came back today with a higher offer. It wasn’t tons more, but after some discussion they said that it’s the highest they can do, and I absolutely hate my current job so I’m gonna take it.

Thanks everyone for all your support and advice - it was incredibly helpful!

The job was advertised at £46,000 - £60,000. They offered me the lowest point. It would be a huge pay cut for me, but I really want the job. I said I was hoping for the mid-point. They’ve said they need to go away and check with the budget holder.

Have I done the right thing? I’ve never asked for more money before and I’m worried I’m coming across poorly.

EDIT - thanks, everyone, for all your advice, it’s really helpful 🙏🏻 just adding some context - when she called to give me the offer, she told me explicitly that they usually only appoint at the low or mid point of the salary band in the advert (crazy, I know). I told her my current salary and she said “we won’t get anywhere near that, I’m afraid.” So, that’s why I’ve asked for the mid-point.

Okay, I know this is dumb but I’m really in my head about it and not sure what to do!

I’m in the UK, and there’s an amber weather warning for heat in my city on the day of my session. I drive about 45 minutes and then walk about 15 minutes to my therapist’s office. There isn’t aircon in the building. I think I’m fine to go in, but maybe I shouldn’t be? I haven’t heard from him about it, but thought maybe I should email to check if we’re still going ahead as planned.

Should I wait to hear from him, or email to ask?