u/SobrietyDinosaur

So my story is I’m an alcoholic, 8 years sober from alcohol. Alcohol ruined my life and I’m in AA now ever since day one of sobriety this time around. I have bipolar 2 and adhd. So I can be pretty impulsive. This time sober I have not had any cravings for alcohol which was amazing.

My ketamine journey started 2 years ago. I was in a depressive episode and thought I’d try out ketamine through a doctor. I successfully didn’t become addicted -yet- because I was under medical supervision and was just doing it once a month. But let me tell you I craved it almost everyday and made it my master. Always thinking of it and how good it felt and when I will get my next IV therapy.

Then I couldn’t afford IV anymore and started at home therapy troches. That’s when it became a bigger problem. I ended up doing way more than prescribed and started doing it daily. I was literally a zombie. The doctor was probably not the best doctor and said I could do the low dose (200mg) daily if needed. So I took that as I can do whatever I wanted. So I was able to skip days so I could triple or double my dose. It made me feel good and my thoughts were silent once again like alcohol used to do for me. I had fun on it. But with any addiction I’ve experienced the fun eventually stops. I then was depressed because I couldn’t control myself whatsoever.

Then once I realized I couldn’t take my prescription as prescribed I came clean with my AA sponsor. I didn’t tell her I was abusing it, which is a lie. I told her I almost abused it and wanted to abuse it and had a plan to. So I flushed it down the toilet. At this point I also had a nasal spray which really amped up the effects. So it’s been 3 months without it.

The cravings are still very intense. I’m not doing well mentally because it’s all I can think about. I have made a plan to get a credit card and buy it again. I feel a relapse coming on. The urge is so strong.. I will not tell my sponsor I don’t want to. With alcohol it was easy to stop this time around because my life was literally unmanageable and I lost important things to me. Now with ketamine I have not hit any bottom whatsoever. I have not lost anything important to me. So my addict brain has taken over and I can’t make it stop. I haven’t bought it yet. I’m going to more AA meetings to see if that’ll curb my obsession for ketamine. The addict brain is a sneaky evil. It’s constantly trying to ruin me. Thanks for listening. Not sure what to do here or if I’m too far gone for a relapse.

And I absolutely love seeing progress pics and how happy everyone looks. Brings me joy! Everyone is so kind. Delete if not allowed. Also the body positivity is awesome too.

This morning from about 7:30-1100 I hung out with my friend. I’m in AA so they always are saying not to isolate. Which I’ve done for like 2 years and almost relapsed. So I’m doing what everyone is telling me to do to stay sober. And omg. My whole body feels drained. I came home and just laid in bed for hours decompressing. My depression has gotten so much better from being around people, but damn I’m tired!! My friend likes to talk a lot I love her but it’s definitely exhausting lol. Thanks for listening!

In a relationship stance. I know my best friends and my family love me, but I’m in my first stable healthy relationship and I’m just so scared. I feel like how can anyone actually love me after years of trying to show my real self and being rejected and heart broken. I know they were the wrong people for me. This disorder makes me a little more complicated and I feel like I’m a lot or too much. I’ve been in a relationship with this guy since February and I’ve never felt so safe and calm with anyone else. It just doesn’t feel real. I have such strong emotions and feelings towards him. So far I haven’t scared him away is how I feel. The last relationship I was in, I let him see the real me and he was an avoidant type but I didn’t see it til years after. The breakup resulted in me having a hypomanic then depressive episode which lasted like years. I’m finally stable again and want to protect myself but find love at the same time. I feel safe with my current boyfriend. He’s messed up like I am lol in a good way. We are both sober alcoholics and both have adhd but I have bipolar depression so I feel different. I’m always second guessing my emotions if they’re too strong or if it’s a toxic habit. Idk. We haven’t had any problems at all or fights. He hasn’t hurt my feelings at all. I genuinely think he’s my person and I don’t want to mess it up. We have both seen each other at our worst back when we were drinking buddies 13 years ago. I ended it with him because he couldn’t commit and was honestly a shit person lol but so was I. Now that we are sober (I’m almost 8 years and he’s almost 9 or 10 years sober). He’s changed for the better which is rare. He’s kind, calm, loving and understanding. He’s worked the steps of AA too which is big for me. After all my relationship trauma of the past it’s still hard for me to believe someone can actually love me for my true self. Thanks for listening to me vent.

Trigger warning: medical trauma*** Today I was triggered. I was at an AA meeting and someone was sharing about their family member being in ICU. Crying his eyes out. Hit me so hard. His daughter is probably at the hospital I work at. I work neuro trauma PCU. Anyways just things like that can trigger me. I see people’s darkest moments everyday I go to work. Their nightmares affect me deeply. I think I’m too empathetic honestly. There are so many patients I will never forget who I love so much. My nursing career started as a new grad during Covid. Still 6 years later I get triggered by anything covid related. Now the unit I’m on. One that always sticks with me is I had a patient who was so great and funny, young. Went in for brain surgery came out a vegetable. Seeing that was one of the worst things I’ve ever seen. I see this type of thing daily. Or the patient whose heart stopped for 7 seconds the other day who is younger than me. Idk what I would’ve done if that patient died because I’m very fragile lately. I would’ve lost my shit. It’s harder to detach lately because I think that’s what you have to do in my field. I care way too much about my patients and their families. Why do I do a job that traumatizes me so much? Idk. All I can do is try to be the light for them in their darkest moments. Another thing, I got severely triggered by a comment one patient said about Covid the other day at work. I had to go home there was no way I could stay. I was crying so hard. Ever since then it’s like it’s cracked open my ptsd for all things. It feels almost like a relapse in all my progress I’ve made.

My depression is better too, but that’s because I’m no longer isolating which was a major factor for me. Which is never good for an alcoholic (sober). I am going to so many meetings and hanging out with such amazing women. So maybe I wasn’t depressed and I was just lonely and isolating I never know if it’s situational or med change is necessary. Almost relapsed during my isolation phase which lasted a long time.. scared me enough into getting back into AA. But anyways I’m not hypomanic either! I feel good. I’m still sleeping 8-9 hours a night and anxiety is low. I’m so glad lowering my dose didn’t cause me to spiral. My doctor and I lowered my dose from 6mg to 3 mg. I have bipolar depression, or type 2. But we lowered my dose because I felt like a zombie with no emotions. Emotions are coming out in a good way. I’m only one week into the change, which since it has a long half life can take 2-6 weeks so I’ve heard to get a full look at how this will go. Just wanted to celebrate, I feel stable.

Anyone have a remedy for this or any tips? I have endometriosis. The pain happened after my workout and lasted like 20 minutes of severe cramping. Feels like when I have pain after sex. I haven’t worked out in like 6-8 months so it was probably a shock for my body too. But damn that hurt and was super uncomfortable. Got the bloat and everything during the pain. The workout I did was where you step up on the box and tap your toe down and bring it back up. Then another one I did was hamstring curls and then the workout where you hold a weight to your side and kind of tilt that way.

No thanks I’ll pass. My best friend has a friend who has small children. They’re very misbehaved. Little back story about why I don’t like this friend.. she cheated on her husband is miserable in their relationship and the husband still stays with her (that’s his problem idk lol). This friend is an alcoholic/addict who relapsed months ago and isn’t sober anymore. ( me and my best friend are also sober) So raising kids in that environment is never good. So I don’t like the woman to begin with. Her children are germy and always sick. They are the type to cough with their mouth wide open. There are three small children of hers. They also shriek and try to be the center of attention where it’s impossible to actually talk with my best friend. Not sure why my best friend still has her around. She’s too forgiving and patient. Now my best friend has 2 children I think they’re like 7 and 8. They are the most well behaved children ever and I love them dearly. Out of control small children drive me nuts. So yea I was upset this morning when I learned the friend with her kids were coming too. I think my best friend got the hint when I said well let’s just hangout tomorrow instead. lol. But yea super bummed. Thanks for listening to my vent. I stayed home.

Hello alcoholic and addict here. Sober almost 8 years from everything. I just wanted to say mental illness and sobriety are very hard. I almost relapsed on ketamine (was wanting to do it for the wrong reasons, no issues if you do it for the medical reasons it’s intended for.. but I was planning on abusing it) but what led me to that was my depression. It caused me to isolate. I’d still go to meetings and talk with my sponsor but I started to slowly hide things from her. Isolation isn’t good for even non alcoholic addicts it’s just our disease wanting to take us out in a sneaky way. I was looking for an “easier softer way”. I didn’t want to feel anymore. The depression was soul sucking. I’m doing better now as I’m forcing myself to go to meetings everyday and being honest with my support system I have. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow actually to try and switch my meds around. Depression wants us to be alone and dwell in it. Med changes are usually needed but what helps for me is med changes, going to meetings, meditation, exercising and spending time with people I love. I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar depression about 7 years ago. Addiction is a sneaky bitch. People with mental illnesses have to try twice as hard as someone without it in addiction and honestly everything else in life. I appreciate this sub and all you lovely people here who make me feel less alone. And if you’re sober through other methods that’s awesome too. And if you’re struggling it will get better and reach out and comment if you need to talk. Thanks for listening!!

Small child. Some meetings have baby sitters so go to those ones… anyways I have misophonia and ADHD. I think the ADHD part plays a role in that I’m not sure. Maybe my bipolar disorder does too idk. So I’m at this meeting.. this small child and its mother sit right behind me. Starts chomping and slurping and chewing like a god damn cow right behind me, for like 15 minutes and counting. I tried my best as I needed a meeting to stay. I couldn’t. I ended up leaving because my head was going to explode. Before I left I looked around and no one else seemed bothered by the chomping toddler. I left and called my mom and almost started crying I was so upset. Noises really can make me irrationally angry. It sucks a lot. Another time in another AA meeting, this mom sits next to me with her baby and starts breast feeding. Which I don’t care about but don’t do it next to me!! I of all people can’t stand that noise. Terrible experiences. Thanks for listening to my rant.

Before meds my brain was literally on fire so I don’t miss that part. I do miss my goofy funny self. I find it hard to authentically laugh now. I am in a depressed state. I’m wondering if I cut back on my antipsychotic what will happen. I’m going to ask my doctor about it Wednesday this week. Anyone done that? What happened to you? Was it successful? I just need a little more of my spunk back. I feel so flat. I can fake it really well at work sometimes. I’m also in a depressive phase. Idk what helped my depression last time I made a med change. So hoping if we do that, that it won’t make the depression worse.