u/Strawberry_Glass_707

Have you ever… um…
Was there something… no…
Listen…
You said — that void, you know? That void inside you try to fill…
That void, you reckon?
The blackholeness of the soul you put all those things and blings and treats into, that hungry wound, you know?
I tilt my head and… no.
I don’t.
I don’t.
You know?
And that void you talk about like everyone must know it, must have felt it…
The void…
How can… what is… like… what?
I’m sorry, I don’t get it.
You don’t believe me.
But… it’s true. I… I don’t know what that feels like because there has always been an ocean inside. And space. And sound. And voices in my head that whisper and chit-chat and scream sometimes and make funny noises and even laugh and sparkle and cry when I can’t.
And you… you think we’re the same?
You think I crave.
You think I want.
You think greed consumes me the way it consumes you?
Then… why don’t I feel it?
I’ve tried.
Oh God, I’ve tried to understand, because you’ve told me so many times, with so many faces, in so many voices —
the emptiness,
that emptiness,
that thirst,
you know,
you feel it too.
I don’t.
I don’t.
I’m SORRY.
I hide a lot. I can’t express it. There is no void — there’s too much inside.
I’m overflowing.
Sometimes I cry just to let some of it go.
Sometimes I dance when I’m alone just to let some of it out.
I write, delete, and write again, trying to make it whisper a little less.
But I’m too scared to let it out.
Or maybe it just won’t come out.
But there is
no
void.
I’ve tried to understand because of you, but see —
I can’t.
So shush.
That’s it. I don’t know how to finish this. Just… come on. You’re annoying.
Don’t rank me by your standards, m’kay?

I was a precious little thing.
They saw me full. They saw me empty.
And loosing me - it was a sin.
And now, I’m rotting in the corner of empty room and they don’t know
How much I want them to remember the days when I lit up their doom…
Oh well, those days are gone
I’m sorry
I couldn’t keep you as you were
Another woul might find this old me before ive rotten to the core
I might be loved again and bring them some smiles and laughter once again

Or not
We’ll see
It happens

Oh hi!
You see me!

……and we start again

I have just been thinking of you, and Sabotage started playing.
Last time we spoke truthfully, you said,
“And you’re still affected by what happened twenty-something years ago?”
Yes. Twenty-five years have passed. And your rejection and the words you said back then still affect me.
Later, you once said,
“But we have already said everything to each other.”
Yes. We did.
And now you have your life, and I have mine.
You have your opinion of me.
And I have to rebuild myself after years of thinking I’m a worthless monster and an egotistical piece of shit — shrinking more and more and more, trying to become more convenient for people who never actually wanted me, only the masks I wore to be less of the thing that you saw in me.
Am I all white and fluffy?
Nooooo.
But I am not a dictator, you know.
Unlike you.
You are exactly what you hated back then.
I hope your teenage self still likes you when he looks at you in the mirror.
And with this, I let go of this message in a bottle — and all of it.
May this no longer affect me on my journey.
I have too few years left, and I never expected to make it this far.

If you want to talk to me - talk. This is your sign.
Call. Text. Come. Talk to me.
I’m open.
I won’t bite.
We might cry.
We might hurt.
But we might find peace at last as well.

So come. Text. Call.
**Talk to me damn you🤣**

If you want to talk to me - talk. This is your sign.
Call. Text. Come. Talk to me.
I’m open.
I won’t bite.
We might cry.
We might hurt.
But we might find peace at last as well.

So come. Text. Call.
Talk to me damn you🤣

I hurt you and I so didn’t mean to. And when I read your message my mind started spiraling. Forgive me. I said too much from the place of hurt. I shouldn’t have. Never. I should learn to stop. And before I do - I take myself away from other peoples lives. Because I am too much when I don’t mean to. I try my best not to be a drama queen but I end up feeling more than I should. In my age. In my situation.
Sorry.
Bye

And hoping it will find you

Hello

How are you?
I hope you’re better than last time when we spoke.
I was so mean, I am sorry…
I am not even going to say “but” because it doesn’t matter. Hurt people hurt people.
And no matter how many times I talk about breaking the circle…
Hurt people hurt people…
I shouldn’t have.
Regrets?
Oh yeah…
I regret being mean.
But I don’t regret anything that happened.
Two years have passed. More than two years.
You blocked me.
You chose to not contact.
You were right.
I was too much mess.
Oh way too much.
I hurt many people on the way not just you.
I thought I was right. I was wrong.
I needed help but wouldn’t admit that.
I might have given out vibes that made you think about the situation worse than it was.
Yes my ex was kean. Yes he often tortured me emotionally. Yes he hit me a couple of times while we were together or in the last two weeks before I ran away asking for help from some girls that could…
I look back and I see myself doing that…I was scared, he was mean, he hurt me but didn’t understand that. He didn’t forget about things that mattered to me, he decided not to do anything about them. Many times for the years we were together but the last drop was him not doing anything for our anniversary. Though I reminded a million times. Though I asked him to maybe spend some time with me. Nope. He didn’t.

So…I told him what I told him.

And left.
In two weeks.
And before he let me live in his flat alone with our dog. And I don’t even remember those weeks.

Then I messed up again.

Hurt two more people on the way.

Then hurt you.

And kept thinking I was the problem but hoping that maybe, just maybe someone cares?

I am messy. My message is messy. Everything is messy.

I am sorry.
I don’t think I have the right even to think I deserve forgiveness. I don’t think I have the right for all the kindness the world is giving me. I cry from every single act of kindness towards me.

But I miss you. So much. There is not a single day when I don’t think about you.

Where are you? Are you safe? Have you made it through in that country far far away where you went? Have you found your place?
Are you feeling better?

Hope you’re doing good.
Wish you could miss me too.
Wish you could reach out.
Wish you could…

Please be safe. Pkease be happy. Please. Be.

I miss you.
It has been how long? Two years?
And three years since we last met.
I’ve been trying to find the way to reach out, trying to not think, not miss, not guess. Yet, still so many things remind me about you. I threw away everything that could remind me. But…paintings, smell of coconut oil, that album, those songs, those animals, every littke thing…still. I don’t know if I have moved on, I have been trying. I am working, living, changing locations, traveling, eating tasty, laughing sincerely, watching this world blooming and going straight to hell at the same time. Cafe, talking about art, painting…boom Amd I’m all there…
Silly…
Depression doesn’t help either 🤣
I have found someone who would do the same kind of tric - just by being present stopping my dark cloud mode…but he isn’t here either so…

I hope you’re okay. I hope you’ve moved on. I hope your life is now better and better every day.
I hope you smile. A lot. Hope you jump like a child. And paint. And not put yourself in danger….

Yeah…
Be safe, that one who got away…
I think I could love you…
But we will never know…

I miss you.
It has been how long? Two years?
And three years since we last met.
I’ve been trying to find the way to reach out, trying to not think, not miss, not guess. Yet, still so many things remind me about you. I threw away everything that could remind me. But…paintings, smell of coconut oil, that album, those songs, those animals, every littke thing…still. I don’t know if I have moved on, I have been trying. I am working, living, changing locations, traveling, eating tasty, laughing sincerely, watching this world blooming and going straight to hell at the same time. Cafe, talking about art, painting…boom Amd I’m all there…
Silly…
Depression doesn’t help either 🤣
I have found someone who would do the same kind of tric - just by being present stopping my dark cloud mode…but he isn’t here either so…

I hope you’re okay. I hope you’ve moved on. I hope your life is now better and better every day.
I hope you smile. A lot. Hope you jump like a child. And paint. And not put yourself in danger….

Yeah…
Be safe, that one who got away…
I think I could love you…
But we will never know…