u/TeddyTheEpicDoodle

i was playing ultraviolence on the alexa in my bedroom and my dog came prancing in and she hopped on my bed (which she doesn't really like to do because she gets hot). she stayed for the whole album and then when it finished she got up and left 😭 she's just like me fr

after i showed lana to my dad he discovered that his favorite songs are shades of cool and off to the races. he's so real for that icl.

BUT randomly throughout the day i'll hear him belt out "YOUUUUUU are unfiiiiixxxxxabllleeeee" and "off to the RACES" and it's always a jumpscare lmao. one of these days i'll record him singing shades of cool

bonus points if it's about the desire to fix someone / realizing you can't fix them

just thought you guys would be interested

just to preface i'm sure this post is gonna be long, so i apologize for that. also, there's so much drama that i can't possibly fit it in this post so i'll do my best to summarize. it's also gonna be all over the place because i can barely see what i'm writing because my eyes are blurry with tears. pls bare with me lol

i (15f) got my first girlfriend (15f) when i started high school this past school year (we were both 14 when we met btw). i was new to the school, all alone and scared, and then she (who i'll call "L") came up to me and introduced herself. right off the bat, L was someone i could see myself really liking. like, i gravitated toward her immediately. she also made me forget about and move on from my situationship because i was so captivated by her.

anyway, we talked and texted a lot, and it didn't take long for it to get flirty. she told me how bad she wanted a girlfriend, i told her the same. i even accidentally said "ily" the day before we made ourselves official lol.

we started dating two weeks into knowing each other, and god we were so excited. like, i was in love with her. i adored her. she adored me, too. the first time she came to my house, we spent like 8 hours cuddling, it was so sweet.

then a few weeks later, i felt her pulling away a little. i could just fill it. i could always read her, right from the start. i asked her about it and at first she said she was just tired, but a little later she told me the real reason she was being quieter than normal was because she had been overthinking a lot. i asked her if she wanted to talk about it and she said she didn't. then i went to her house that weekend and she was suddenly okay again.

i already knew about her mental issues. she told me all about that right off the bat, like even before we got together. she went through a really depressive period in eighth grade, and it took her a long time to come out of it. in fact, she was just coming out of it when we met. i was kind of scared when i found this out about her, because i didn't know what to expect.

after that little rough patch though, she was totally okay again. completely loving, like she usually was. for our one month anniversary, i wrote her a love letter, which established the precedent where we would write each other letters on our monthly anniversaries. in the one she wrote me, she described me as the quote "antidote to the poison" in her brain. i didn't know how to feel about that.

fast forward to december (so 3 months after we started dating), i got sick and had to be home from school for the days leading up to christmas break. in the time i was away, she had gotten really fucked up. one day she told me that she cut herself for the first time in months. this was devastating to me, because i thought that she was getting better. she told me it was okay but i was still devastated. i wished i wasn't sick so i could have been there for her.

luckily i wasn't sick when it was her birthday. on her birthday i went to her house to spend the day with her. her birthday also happened to be our 3 month anniversary. i got her a stuffed animal and wrote her a letter (and a poem). she loved it. she also wrote me a letter (which was awesome). but anyway, she was sad that day. in fact, when we were in her room, she and i listened to a song from an artist she liked that talked a lot about depression and disordered eating. she cried while listening to it. i was confused because, while i had kind of suspected she had a weird relationship with food, i didn't know she had an ed.

anyway, as the day went on, she lightened up. but i was still scared. and rightfully so. because a few days later, the eating disorder made itself known. she was sleeping over at a friend's house and she spent hours texting me about how she was trying to get a long "streak" without eating, despite me asking her to try to eat just something small. i knew my girl, and i knew this would spiral into something worse and worse and worse.

and god was i right. as the days went on, the ed got worse. she'd starve herself for days. there was nothing i could do but listen to her sympathetically. i couldn't change her.

one time she told me her "thoughts" wouldn't stop, and she had to throw up to stop them. i begged her not to but she said it would only be once. i said that's not true. then she told me that the thoughts just stopped. i could tell she was lying, and she had thrown up. the next day she sent me a paragraph telling me she was so sorry for lying and that she did actually throw up. i told her she doesn't have to be sorry. but that was the beginning of the throwing up. later on, she'd do that five times in a single day and still starve herself.

so yeah, she got really bad. she got so bad that it was taking a toll on me. but i stayed because i loved her and she said she needed me. god i love(d) her so much.

then one day, on a day leading up to my birthday in february, she told me that she wanted to get better. i was so happy, i could have gotten up and started jumping with joy. it was so sudden, too. caught me completely off guard. but i was so god damn happy. it was like everything was okay again.

she had very manipulative parents who despised me because when they read her texts they found texts from me telling her that her parents are manipulative. her parents were so crazy, they came up with some delusion that i wanted to shoot them, i have no fucking clue how they came up with that. they also said that i caused her ed. and that i only wanted to be with her for sex. so they were crazy, and they contributed so much to her mental state.

but anyway, her parents took pity on her and let her hang out with me on my birthday. we had so much fun. and the best part of the day was when she gave me a poem she wrote and illustrated. it was a few pages long, and she drew things in it that meant a lot to us. it was the sweetest fucking thing ever. it was part of the things she put together in a basket of my favorite things.

however right after my birthday it got bad again, and it got so much worse. so so so much worse. a million times worse. and she started getting suicidal.
in march, i felt her pulling away again. i asked her what was going on, she said she was just tired. but later she said she just needs space, which i gave to her. i was reluctant to do that because in february she told me that if she ever acts the way that she was acting in march, it was the depression and i needed to cuddle it out of her (which i knew was not my responsibility).

a few days later she apologized for treating me bad and lying to me because of her depression. i was quick to forgive her. and when she saw me at school the next day, she couldn't stop beaming.

we were okay for a bit but then she got bad again. and then there was this one night where she texted me that she was gonna kill herself by overdosing on advil. shit i'm fucking shaking just thinking about that. i was deadass going to make my dad drive me to her house so i could save her. thank fucking god she didn't go through with that.

apparently her parents read those texts, and they weren't upset about her saying she was gonna commit, they were upset about my reaction, which was something like "please don't do it i'll miss you so much please you have so much to live for." they said that that was me "spiraling" and i was bad news because of that.

so then a few days later she told me she needed space again because she thinks we both need to work on ourselves (her reasoning for me needing to work on myself was her evil fucking father saying i was spiraling) and then when we do that we can return to the relationship.

and a few days after that, on our seven month anniversary, we got to last period, and i gave her the letter i wrote. it was basically saying that i'll always care for and be there for her. she didn't write me one, i said she didn't have to. but she did anyway. she got to her seat in class, which was right across from mine, and she started writing. she gave it to me right before dismissal, and i read it at home.

basically, the letter said she she never loved me, that she gaslit herself into doing so, that she was only with me because she wanted to love someone. she also said that she never liked it when we were intimate (even though she was the one who wanted to do it constantly). but what really got me was her saying she didn't love me. because she fucking did. i could feel it radiating off of her. i could see it in her eyes. and also watching the light leave her eyes as her depression got bad was the scariest shit i ever saw.

yeah that's it. idk what else to say. it's been two and a half months, i swear i get more and more fucked up every day. she treated me so bad but i fucking love her. i still love her. i'm not even mad at her. i love her so much. she loved me so much i swear dude. my dad gives me shit for still being in love with her but i dont think he understands that my relationship with her wasn't a normal teenage relationship, it was fucking terrifying. but i loved her so much.

i miss her so bad. i spend my days yearning for her. i dream about her at night. i want her back so bad even tho i know she's bad for me. at least i have lana del rey lol