u/Thrwmeawayplsthx

I have spent a month without sleeping a couple of months ago because everything started eating me up so badly. I banged my forehead against the wall to make the thoughts stop during the worst of my sleep deprivation. There are still bloodstains on the wall beside my bed. An antidepressant fixed my sleep and I don't do that anymore. Still I wish I had just died from a brain hemorrhage or something in my sleep but there was always something in me that kept me from doing it really hard. The same thing that keeps me from just taking a knife to my wrist or just jumping out the window. It's not the will to live or the hope that it can be better though.

My life is over and it has never even happened. I'm a lonely 31 year old loser, rotted away for 8 years with a woman who absolutely melted my mind and I just can't go on. I stayed because I thought I couldn't do better and the longer I stayed the more I disappeared. I'm nothing, every day I just hope to die soon because I see absolutely see no life for myself anymore in which I can accept only ever being with her and missing out on everything and now it's too late. I barely saw my friends, now there gone, I didn't date at an age when one can still live without much responsibility, I didn't even pursue many of my hobbies or interests, develop any skills, just always her, always there, never a moment of peace.

I recently had an extreme breakdown that had been a long time coming. I was in a relationship that spanned most of my 20s. It made me feel trapped and the ending dragged for two years absolutely destroying my mind. There was shitty behavior on both sides, but looking back I see myself as an at times bad boyfriend, whereas she did shit that was straight up emotional abuse which completely destroyed my self image and confidence. For a long time, I blamed myself for everything, but really sitting with the shit that happened for a year since she is finally out of my life and comparing it to what I destroyed myself over, I see what an idiot I was and how badly I got manipulated and treated in general.

After about 10 months, I met a great girl (26). She lived in a city nearby but we hit it off and met each other quite often for 2 months, even if it meant 2 hours of travel per day together. The more time I spent with her, the more I saw how utterly shitty my life has been. She started trying to connect to me on a deeper level which triggered my self-blaming for how awful everything went and ending even stronger until one day I imploded while we lay in bed in the morning. I hid it as well as I could but she sensed it. When we kissed goodbye that day I knew I couldn't keep the facade up anymore. I cancelled our next day together on short notice telling her I am doing very badly psychologically and that I had not slept the last couple of days. She understood and told me the next day that she is very sorry but that she cannot be with me anymore and that she knows that I can feel better and what a great guy I am and so on. That didn't come as a shock. I kept deteriorating, not sleeping anymore at all, completely isolated in my city. I'm doing a PhD but my contract had recently run out so I was recently unemployed but still got to use my office. I went there on no sleep just to keep up some semblance of functioning and to not be alone all day.

After a month of no sleep (like maybe one or two hours every other night) and me starting to hurt myself I accepted that I need help and started the process of getting into therapy. I got a first assessment by someone and then found a therapist. I also got prescribed an antidepressant by my GP which immediately fixed my sleep.

I got over the guilt I felt towards my ex pretty quickly. I met the new girl twice, once after accepting I needed help. There I told her everything that is going on because we had such an intense time and then I just disappeared completely. We both cried a lot. The second time after my sleep was fixed and I was doing a bit better. That day was great until it was time for me to leave and she broke down crying again (shortly followed by me), since she had made her decision that it can't work anymore

A couple of months have passed. I have been going to therapy, I keep taking my medication and my sleep is stable. But I have since understood all that I have missed and know that I will never be able to retrieve that. I am unemployed, I am 31, I have to finish my PhD but I absolutely have no motivation to do that. I sometimes send out job applications, I'm actually in a pretty decent field and I would say decently qualified, but I only get rejections. Every day all I can think about is how shitty my life has been, how worthless and lonely I am and I make no progress in therapy at all. My therapist doesn't know what to do with me. I talk to my older brother weekly. I had opened up to him when he and my parents were in town while I was mid breakdown and I knew he saw something was off. He can relate to depression to some extent, he was in therapy for a while himself he told me. But our lives were very different, his being simply much better. I can't be fully honest with him.

Couple of days ago I kind of blacked out when I went out for a drink with a friend. I barely made it out of the bar when it started and just collapsed in front of the door. I never completely lost consciousness, but was very close to it and would have, had I not made it out of that place. I'm pretty sure that was something physical, like a combination of heat, dehydration, maybe I had not eaten enough that day, it didn't feel like a panic or anxiety attack. My instincts and my friend kept it from going bad, like me falling uncontrolled or something and I felt better quickly. I kind of wish I had just died.

I am 31M and recently had a pretty heavy complete breakdown which had been a long time coming. My girlfriend of six years had cheated on me and gaslit me very heavily about it, leading me to completely lose my mind. Then we were stuck together for two more years. The story is long and stupid, but it was absolutely mind destroying. Then a year passed of us not seeing each other. All the while I blamed myself for everything, for ever staying with her. I knew from the start I didn't want it to last forever but stuff happened and we became completely codependent. I felt like I had stolen her life and I completely missed my own life. The breakdown happened when I started a relationship with a great woman and I saw what my life should have been. All the shame and guilt exploded and I couldn't sleep anymore for over a month. I just wanted (and still want) to die. In that time, I realized I could never do it though, because I seriously cannot imagine feeling any worse than that and I didn't do it. So I took the steps necessary to get into therapy and got prescribed an antidepressant from my doctor which fixed my sleep immediately. I got a first assessment by a therapist and now regularly see another therapist.

I'm glad I can sleep again, but the rest is still as fucked as ever and I just can't get over the stuff that happened. Furthermore, I'm unemployed. I'm a PhD student, up until a couple of months ago, I had a contract at the university but that ran out. I barely got work done in the years after my girlfriend cheated and feel like I ruined my career and life. I have no drive to finish the PhD and I just try to get through the days somehow. I sometimes send out job applications but I only get rejections. I am completely lonely and feel like I can't be fully honest with anybody. Two days ago, I went to watch a football match in a bar with someone. I was kind of doing ok because I was distracted but suddenly, I started blacking out. I barely made it out the door before I collapsed but recovered quickly with the cool air and glass of water. I'm fairly certain, that blackout was purely physical, like a combination of heat and maybe too little to drink or something. It didn't feel like a panic or anxiety attack. The reason I'm mentioning it is because I realized that I would have been ok with just dying then. Everything went black, my hearing became dampened and my body just gave in for a second. Obviously, I did the things necessary to get out of the situation unharmed, but it was just because of the survival instinct of my body and the discomfort I felt, rather than really wanting to live, if that makes sense.

I feel like I'm at a dead end in therapy. I can't cope with my past, I can't get my life to move on and I'm stuck in the regret regarding my long-term relationship and the shitty lonely existence I have. My therapist doesn't really know what to do with me. I feel like all I get from him is reactions to the things I'm saying. The perspective he offers, the angles he tries don't do anything for me.

I talk to my brother regularly. I also had struggles with depression but overall, he has lived a much better life than me and while I am grateful that we are starting to have an actual relationship, I feel like I can't really connect to him or even be fully honest about the shit I'm going through. I honestly just wish I could die. I know I can't kill myself, nobody deserve the trauma of having to deal with that and I'm too scared of it anyway. But I just don't see anything redeemable about my life and I just want it all to end. All the experiences I didn't make as a young person, the social skills which come with being among people, the ability to feel joy or just be satisfied, I don't have that. I don't know what to say to my therapist anymore, sometimes there is just silence because he doesn't know what to do and I feel like I just have to say empty phrases like I know that what I need to do is to push forward and force myself out of this but it's all pointless. I wish I had just died when I blacked out.

I was watching a football match at a bar with a friend. We went outside during halftime and when we sat back down, I suddenly started sweating like hell, felt incredibly dizzy, my vision started turning black and my hearing became more and more dampened. I interrupted my friend as he was talking and asked him to get me a glass of water. I didn't feel better drinking it so we went outside I just tried to rush out as quickly as I could because I knew I'd just collapse any second and didn't want that to happen inside with so many eyes watching. I barely got out the door when my legs gave in and I collapsed somewhat controlled and sat down right in front of the door. It got better with the cold air outside, my friend got me a chocolate bar and I got clearer and clearer.

What happened yesterday didn't scare me, although it could have been really bad had it happened when I was alone and standing up. I'm generally in great physical health. This has happened in my life like 6-7 times, although the last time was probably like 9 years ago. In school, I once just dropped while standing up. Back then I got tested for everything and nothing was found.

The last couple of years have been hell for me. I'm 31 and feel like a complete loser. I have decent education, even some money but am unemployed at the moment. My mental health is absolute fucked and I basically just suffer all day, looking back at my shitty lonely life and seeing no future for myself. Of course, my body made me do the things necessary to feel better yesterday instead of just letting it happen, but honestly, I wouldn't have been sad if that would just have been it yesterday. I wouldn't have had to do it myself, no guilt, no fear, no trauma on the person who finds me, just an ambulance being called to a bar...

I was watching a football match at a bar with a friend. We went outside during halftime and when we sat back down, I suddenly started sweating like hell, felt incredibly dizzy, my vision started turning black and my hearing became more and more dampened. I interrupted my friend as he was talking and asked him to get me a glass of water. I didn't feel better drinking it so we went outside I just tried to rush out as quickly as I could because I knew I'd just collapse any second and didn't want that to happen inside with so many eyes watching. I barely got out the door when my legs gave in and I collapsed somewhat controlled and sat down right in front of the door. It got better with the cold air outside, my friend got me a chocolate bar and I got clearer and clearer.

What happened yesterday didn't scare me, although it could have been really bad had it happened when I was alone and standing up. I'm generally in great physical health. This has happened in my life like 6-7 times, although the last time was probably like 9 years ago. In school, I once just dropped while standing up. Back then I got tested for everything and nothing was found.

The last couple of years have been hell for me. I'm 31 and feel like a complete loser. I have decent education, even some money but am unemployed at the moment. My mental health is absolute fucked and I basically just suffer all day, looking back at my shitty lonely life and seeing no future for myself. Of course, my body made me do the things necessary to feel better yesterday instead of just letting it happen, but honestly, I wouldn't have been sad if that would just have been it yesterday. I wouldn't have had to do it myself, no guilt, no fear, no trauma on the person who finds me, just an ambulance being called to a bar...

Yesterday, I was watching a football match at a bar with a friend. We went outside during halftime and when we sat back down, I suddenly started sweating like hell, felt incredibly dizzy, my vision started turning black and my hearing became more and more dampened. I interrupted my friend as he was talking and asked him to get me a glass of water. I didn't feel better drinking it so we went outside I just tried to rush out as quickly as I could because I knew I'd just collapse any second and didn't want that to happen inside with so many eyes watching. I barely got out the door when my legs gave in and I collapsed somewhat controlled and sat down right in front of the door. It got better with the cold air outside, my friend got me a chocolate bar and I got clearer and clearer.

What happened yesterday didn't scare me, although it could have been really bad had it happened when I was alone and standing up. I'm generally in great physical health. This has happened in my life like 6-7 times, although the last time was probably like 9 years ago. In school, I once just dropped while standing up. Back then I got tested for everything and nothing was found.

The last couple of years have been hell for me. I'm 31 and feel like a complete loser. I have decent education, even some money but am unemployed at the moment. My mental health is absolute fucked and I basically just suffer all day, looking back at my shitty lonely life and seeing no future for myself. Of course, my body made me do the things necessary to feel better yesterday instead of just letting it happen, but honestly, I wouldn't have been sad if that would just have been it yesterday. I wouldn't have had to do it myself, no guilt, no fear, no trauma on the person who finds me, just an ambulance being called to a bar...

Yesterday, I was watching a football match at a bar with a friend. We went outside during halftime and when we sat back down, I suddenly started sweating like hell, felt incredibly dizzy, my vision started turning black and my hearing became more and more dampened. I interrupted my friend as he was talking and asked him to get me a glass of water. I didn't feel better drinking it so we went outside I just tried to rush out as quickly as I could because I knew I'd just collapse any second and didn't want that to happen inside with so many eyes watching. I barely got out the door when my legs gave in and I collapsed somewhat controlled and sat down right in front of the door. It got better with the cold air outside, my friend got me a chocolate bar and I got clearer and clearer.

What happened yesterday didn't scare me, although it could have been really bad had it happened when I was alone and standing up. I'm generally in great physical health. This has happened in my life like 6-7 times, although the last time was probably like 9 years ago. In school, I once just dropped while standing up. Back then I got tested for everything and nothing was found.

The last couple of years have been hell for me. I'm 31 and feel like a complete loser. I have decent education, even some money but am unemployed at the moment. My mental health is absolute fucked and I basically just suffer all day, looking back at my shitty lonely life and seeing no future for myself. Of course, my body made me do the things necessary to feel better yesterday instead of just letting it happen, but honestly, I wouldn't have been sad if that would just have been it yesterday. I wouldn't have had to do it myself, no guilt, no fear, no trauma on the person who finds me, just an ambulance being called to a bar...

Yesterday, I was watching a football match at a bar with a friend. We went outside during halftime and when we sat back down, I suddenly started sweating like hell, felt incredibly dizzy, my vision started turning black and my hearing became more and more dampened. I interrupted my friend as he was talking and asked him to get me a glass of water. I didn't feel better drinking it so we went outside I just tried to rush out as quickly as I could because I knew I'd just collapse any second and didn't want that to happen inside with so many eyes watching. I barely got out the door when my legs gave in and I collapsed somewhat controlled and sat down right in front of the door. It got better with the cold air outside, my friend got me a chocolate bar and I got clearer and clearer.

What happened yesterday didn't scare me, although it could have been really bad had it happened when I was alone and standing up. I'm generally in great physical health. This has happened in my life like 6-7 times, although the last time was probably like 9 years ago. In school, I once just dropped while standing up. Back then I got tested for everything and nothing was found.

The last couple of years have been hell for me. I'm 31 and feel like a complete loser. I have decent education, even some money but am unemployed at the moment. My mental health is absolute fucked and I basically just suffer all day, looking back at my shitty lonely life and seeing no future for myself. Of course, my body made me do the things necessary to feel better yesterday instead of just letting it happen, but honestly, I wouldn't have been sad if that would just have been it yesterday. I wouldn't have had to do it myself, no guilt, no fear, no trauma on the person who finds me, just an ambulance being called to a bar...

Yesterday, I was watching a football match at a bar with a friend. We went outside during halftime and when we sat back down, I suddenly started sweating like hell, felt incredibly dizzy, my vision started turning black and my hearing became more and more dampened. I interrupted my friend as he was talking and asked him to get me a glass of water. I didn't feel better drinking it so we went outside I just tried to rush out as quickly as I could because I knew I'd just collapse any second and didn't want that to happen inside with so many eyes watching. I barely got out the door when my legs gave in and I collapsed somewhat controlled and sat down right in front of the door. It got better with the cold air outside, my friend got me a chocolate bar and I got clearer and clearer.

What happened yesterday didn't scare me, although it could have been really bad had it happened when I was alone and standing up. I'm generally in great physical health. This has happened in my life like 6-7 times, although the last time was probably like 9 years ago. In school, I once just dropped while standing up. Back then I got tested for everything and nothing was found.

The last couple of years have been hell for me. I'm 31 and feel like a complete loser. I have decent education, even some money but am unemployed at the moment. My mental health is absolute fucked and I basically just suffer all day, looking back at my shitty lonely life and seeing no future for myself. Of course, my body made me do the things necessary to feel better yesterday instead of just letting it happen, but honestly, I wouldn't have been sad if that would just have been it yesterday. I wouldn't have had to do it myself, no guilt, no fear, no trauma on the person who finds me, just an ambulance being called to a bar...

​

My life is completely ruined. I am 31, missed out on everything and am just a sad wasted person. I am somewhat accomplished academically, close to a PhD, although I have ruined it these last couple of years by not finishing it. A long term relationship that span all of my 20s has left me completely destroyed, I never wanted it but could never get out. She destroyed my mind and I can't get over what happened.

I got prescribed medication that helped me sleep again after a complete meltdown that left me sleepless and harming myself by hitting my head against the wall. I started psychotherapy, but it obviously can't fix my shitty lonely life. I have started telling people what's going on, but it just overwhelms them so I feel I can't be really honest with anyone. I just wish I had it in me to kill myself but I no I can't do that to people who knew me. Not because anyone really cares for me, but for the guilt and obligatory sadness they'd feel. Also, someone would have to find me and no one should be subjected to something like that.

The common thing people say is that I matter, that life is worth living, but I don't see it. I'm close to the end of my PhD but there is still work to be done and I don't care for it all anymore. I am good with my PI (person overseeing my PhD in broad terms), she knows about me struggling right now and today told her that I feel pretty detached from all that but will still try to somehow get over the line. I don't really have external pressure there which is good on one hand but also keeps me from being motivated. My contract ended some months ago but I also have no financial pressure since a) unemployment is pretty good for the first year in my country and b) I got a little lucky with an investment. All that should make me feel better, or more at ease at least, but I also know that I am ruining my future career more and more by being unemployed.

I started smoking as an actual habit again rather than on very rare occasions socially how I used to (not that I have a social life), everything I do makes me feel worse. I started new playing new sports from time to time with people and while it can be fun, those are not actual friends of mine. I just feel so fucking lonely and isolated. I keep having fantasies about slitting my wrists, knowing I won't do it. I sometimes fantasize about being crashed into when I'm on an e-scooter or bike just so I could die without the guilt. I thought about ways of ensuring only to be found by authorities if I were ever to kill myself.

I just don't want to live with my shitty, worthless, pointless past anymore. I am a loser who has not experienced being young. I want to forget the abuse my ex put me through and the shittiness with which I myself acted instead of just running away. I don't know what to do, I know I can't just die, but I can't live.

My life is completely ruined. I am 31, missed out on everything and am just a sad wasted person. I am somewhat accomplished academically, close to a PhD, although I have ruined it these last couple of years by not finishing it. A long term relationship that span all of my 20s has left me completely destroyed, I never wanted it but could never get out. She destroyed my mind and I can't get over what happened.

I got prescribed medication that helped me sleep again after a complete meltdown that left me sleepless and harming myself by hitting my head against the wall. I started psychotherapy, but it obviously can't fix my shitty lonely life. I have started telling people what's going on, but it just overwhelms them so I feel I can't be really honest with anyone. I just wish I had it in me to end it but I no I can't do that to people who knew me. Not because anyone really cares for me, but for the guilt and obligatory sadness they'd feel. Also, someone would have to find me and no one should be subjected to something like that.

The common thing people say is that I matter, that life is worth living, but I don't see it. I'm close to the end of my PhD but there is still work to be done and I don't care for it all anymore. I am good with my PI (person overseeing my PhD in broad terms), she knows about me struggling right now and today told her that I feel pretty detached from all that but will still try to somehow get over the line. I don't really have external pressure there which is good on one hand but also keeps me from being motivated. My contract ended some months ago but I also have no financial pressure since a) unemployment is pretty good for the first year in my country and b) I got a little lucky with an investment. All that should make me feel better, or more at ease at least, but I also know that I am ruining my future career more and more by being unemployed.

I started smoking as an actual habit again rather than on very rare occasions socially how I used to (not that I have a social life), everything I do makes me feel worse. I started new playing new sports from time to time with people and while it can be fun, those are not actual friends of mine. I just feel so fucking lonely and isolated. I keep having fantasies about ending it, knowing I won't do it. I sometimes fantasize about being crashed into when I'm on an e-scooter or bike just so I could die without the guilt. I thought about ways of ensuring only to be found by authorities if I were ever to do something final.

I just don't want to exist with my shitty, worthless, pointless past anymore. I am a loser who has not experienced being young. I want to forget the abuse my ex put me through and the shittiness with which I myself acted instead of just running away. I don't know what to do, I know I can't just die, but I can't live.

My life is completely ruined. I am 31, missed out on everything and am just a sad wasted person. I am somewhat accomplished academically, close to a PhD, although I have ruined it these last couple of years by not finishing it. A long term relationship that span all of my 20s has left me completely destroyed, I never wanted it but could never get out. She destroyed my mind and I can't get over what happened.

I got prescribed medication that helped me sleep again after a complete meltdown that left me sleepless and harming myself by hitting my head against the wall. I started psychotherapy, but it obviously can't fix my shitty lonely life. I have started telling people what's going on, but it just overwhelms them so I feel I can't be really honest with anyone. I just wish I had it in me to kill myself but I no I can't do that to people who knew me. Not because anyone really cares for me, but for the guilt and obligatory sadness they'd feel. Also, someone would have to find me and no one should be subjected to something like that.

The common thing people say is that I matter, that life is worth living, but I don't see it. I'm close to the end of my PhD but there is still work to be done and I don't care for it all anymore. I am good with my PI (person overseeing my PhD in broad terms), she knows about me struggling right now and today told her that I feel pretty detached from all that but will still try to somehow get over the line. I don't really have external pressure there which is good on one hand but also keeps me from being motivated. My contract ended some months ago but I also have no financial pressure since a) unemployment is pretty good for the first year in my country and b) I got a little lucky with an investment. All that should make me feel better, or more at ease at least, but I also know that I am ruining my future career more and more by being unemployed.

I started smoking as an actual habit again rather than on very rare occasions socially how I used to (not that I have a social life), everything I do makes me feel worse. I started new playing new sports from time to time with people and while it can be fun, those are not actual friends of mine. I just feel so fucking lonely and isolated. I keep having fantasies about slitting my wrists, knowing I won't do it. I sometimes fantasize about being crashed into when I'm on an e-scooter or bike just so I could die without the guilt. I thought about ways of ensuring only to be found by authorities if I were ever to kill myself.

I just don't want to live with my shitty, worthless, pointless past anymore. I am a loser who has not experienced being young. I want to forget the abuse my ex put me through and the shittiness with which I myself acted instead of just running away. I don't know what to do, I know I can't just die, but I can't live.

I am 31M and on paper, some people would think I am decently successful and have nothing to complain a bout. I am close to finishing a PhD, I have a decent amount of money and I am in great health physically speaking. But I have been depressed basically as long as I remember. As child/teenager I just felt like an unlikable loser and thought there was simply something wrong with me which made me always feel isolated. I grew up in a household where one would not talk about problems, where these things were something to be ashamed of so I just let it all eat me up, making me even more isolated which in turn made me feel even worse.

I lived like that my whole life. When I met my girlfriend at 22, I just completely ignored all that. It was easy, because she had constant issues and I quickly got into a role where I felt like I need to help her. I absolutely did not take of myself and didn't confront myself with the stuff that is wrong with me. There were many things she did which I now realize were straight up boundary crossing and emotional abuse but I still always felt like I was the problem, I was to blame and I have to help her. The whole thing ended with her cheating after 6 years and the thing dragging on two more years turning into something even worse and absolutely mind destroying.

In my 20s I didn't do anything but suffer and rot away. Now, when I meet new people or talk to people used to know, I realize what an absolute nothing of a human being I am. I have nothing in my life, I have no experiences to talk about, I am completely lonely and I can't feel joy. I can't make friends, dates end up going nowhere and I just keep getting older and losing more time. My therapist doesn't know what to do with me, the very few friends I have are not where I am at and talking to them and only telling them the surface level of what is wrong with me already leaves them kind of overwhelmed. I just feel like I have never become an actual person, whatever I try just drags me down more and more and it seems like I'm at a place I can't come back from.

I am 31M and on paper, some people would think I am decently successful and have nothing to complain a bout. I am close to finishing a PhD, I have a decent amount of money and I am in great health physically speaking. But I have been depressed basically as long as I remember. As child/teenager I just felt like an unlikable loser and thought there was simply something wrong with me which made me always feel isolated. I grew up in a household where one would not talk about problems, where these things were something to be ashamed of so I just let it all eat me up, making me even more isolated which in turn made me feel even worse.

I lived like that my whole life. When I met my girlfriend at 22, I just completely ignored all that. It was easy, because she had constant issues and I quickly got into a role where I felt like I need to help her. I absolutely did not take of myself and didn't confront myself with the stuff that is wrong with me. There were many things she did which I now realize were straight up boundary crossing and emotional abuse but I still always felt like I was the problem, I was to blame and I have to help her. The whole thing ended with her cheating after 6 years and the thing dragging on two more years turning into something even worse and absolutely mind destroying.

In my 20s I didn't do anything but suffer and rot away. Now, when I meet new people or talk to people used to know, I realize what an absolute nothing of a human being I am. I have nothing in my life, I have no experiences to talk about, I am completely lonely and I can't feel joy. I can't make friends, dates end up going nowhere and I just keep getting older and losing more time. My therapist doesn't know what to do with me, the very few friends I have are not where I am at and talking to them and only telling them the surface level of what is wrong with me already leaves them kind of overwhelmed.

​

I met my girlfriend at 22. From the start I knew I didn't want to be with her forever, I was way too young for that. But I also felt like an ugly, worthless, unlikable piece of garbage convinced that he could not do better. From the start,, she did stuff which I now understand was pretty bad and I just want to scream at myself for letting that happen, yet I always stayed. I know this comes off as arrogant and bitter, but she was a worse social loser than I was. I had some friends and hobbies with which I passed the time, she made me her whole life. She was constantly in crisis, some real, some bullshit, but everything was life or death. During some genuinely scary medical stuff, she made me feel like she'd kill herself if I wasn't there for her.

She started fights when I was gone for a bit, like calling in shambles yelling at me for being a neglectful boyfriend after 2 days of low contact. She didn't do anything for or by herself and couldn't stand me wanting to stuff without her.

After six years she cheated and then it dragged on for two years. I felt responsible for her while she was barely pretending to look for a job. I felt guilty for ever staying with her and my mind twisted that into making me feel like the bad guy who stole her life. All that, after she literally tortured me psychologically when I was in the process of finding out she cheated.

At 30, a year after she was gone for good, which I spent blaming myself completely for everything, I had a complete breakdown. Through a relationship with a great, slightly younger woman I saw that my life did not have to be this way, that I am actually kind of a great guy, smart, funny, good looking whom a girl like my new girlfriend could fall for. It destroyed me. I am too old for everything, the two years after cheating with my ex ruined my PhD, it's still not finished and I am out of work. Whenever I do stuff that should make me feel better it gets even worse after that. I have close to no friends, especially in my city and I just wish I could end myself. I am worthless, I am a wasted life and I just want to slit my wrists or jump of a building and die.

I met my girlfriend at 22. From the start I knew I didn't want to be with her forever, I was way too young for that. But I also felt like an ugly, worthless, unlikable piece of garbage convinced that he could not do better. From the start,, she did stuff which I now understand was pretty bad and I just want to scream at myself for letting that happen, yet I always stayed. I know this comes off as arrogant and bitter, but she was a worse social loser than I was. I had some friends and hobbies with which I passed the time, she made me her whole life. She was constantly in crisis, some real, some bullshit, but everything was life or death. During some genuinely scary medical stuff, she made me feel like she'd kill herself if I wasn't there for her.

She started fights when I was gone for a bit, like calling in shambles yelling at me for being a neglectful boyfriend after 2 days of low contact. She didn't do anything for or by herself and couldn't stand me wanting to stuff without her.

After six years she cheated and then it dragged on for two years. I felt responsible for her while she was barely pretending to look for a job. I felt guilty for ever staying with her and my mind twisted that into making me feel like the bad guy who stole her life. All that, after she literally tortured me psychologically when I was in the process of finding out she cheated.

At 30, a year after she was gone for good, which I spent blaming myself completely for everything, I had a complete breakdown. Through a relationship with a great, slightly younger woman I saw that my life did not have to be this way, that I am actually kind of a great guy, smart, funny, good looking whom a girl like my new girlfriend could fall for. It destroyed me. I am too old for everything, the two years after cheating with my ex ruined my PhD, it's still not finished and I am out of work. Whenever I do stuff that should make me feel better it gets even worse after that. I have close to no friends, especially in my city and I just wish I could end myself. I am worthless, I am a wasted life and I just want to slit my wrists or jump of a building and die.

I met my girlfriend at 22. From the start I knew I didn't want to be with her forever, I was way too young for that. But I also felt like an ugly, worthless, unlikable piece of garbage convinced that he could not do better. From the start,, she did stuff which I now understand was pretty bad and I just want to scream at myself for letting that happen, yet I always stayed. I know this comes off as arrogant and bitter, but she was a worse social loser than I was. I had some friends and hobbies with which I passed the time, she made me her whole life. She was constantly in crisis, some real, some bullshit, but everything was life or death. During some genuinely scary medical stuff, she made me feel like she'd kill herself if I wasn't there for her.

She started fights when I was gone for a bit, like calling in shambles yelling at me for being a neglectful boyfriend after 2 days of low contact. She didn't do anything for or by herself and couldn't stand me wanting to stuff without her.

After six years she cheated and then it dragged on for two years. I felt responsible for her while she was barely pretending to look for a job. I felt guilty for ever staying with her and my mind twisted that into making me feel like the bad guy who stole her life. All that, after she literally tortured me psychologically when I was in the process of finding out she cheated.

At 30, a year after she was gone for good, which I spent blaming myself completely for everything, I had a complete breakdown. Through a relationship with a great, slightly younger woman I saw that my life did not have to be this way, that I am actually kind of a great guy, smart, funny, good looking whom a girl like my new girlfriend could fall for. It destroyed me. I am too old for everything, the two years after cheating with my ex ruined my PhD, it's still not finished and I am out of work. Whenever I do stuff that should make me feel better it gets even worse after that. I have close to no friends, especially in my city and I just wish I could end myself. I am worthless, I am a wasted life and I just want to slit my wrists or jump of a building and die.

Tw: suicidal thoughts

At 22 I met my girlfriend, the years before I was pretty unhappy. That relationship consumed my whole life. She was constantly miserable, acted like every crisis was the end of the world, made me feel like she'd kill herself at times. She isolated me from my friends by making me feel bad for being a bit less available for texting/calls when I was elsewhere, starting fights, telling me what an awful bf I am and so on, and never had any ambition to do anything without me. She was always one year behind me in terms of uni progress (different field) and just copied moves and only talked to me about that type of stuff which put an insane amount of pressure on me.

But I was addicted to her closeness, even though I just wanted out. Then she cheated after, absolutely destroyed my mind by making cruel jokes and gaslighting me until I was just absolutely gone. And then it dragged on with her making my life even worse while I just wanted her gone yet still felt responsible for her (skipping over a lot here).

I'm now 31, this thing took my best years and the more I try to reclaim my life, the worse it gets. I see how inferior I am to my peers, I see that perfect girl I dated for some time and can only see how great her life is and be ashamed for the life I have lived with my ex. I see the great person she is and how I could be and know that I missed that part of my life. I see my old friends and what interesting people they have become in my absence and just see the shell of a human I am.

This weekend I visited a friend in another city. We spend the whole time doing fun stuff. A small mellow rave by a river in the sun, going out to dinner eating great food, doing the touristy things in his city, go for a swim, hang out by a fire in the garden in the evening... Now I'm going home and see that that all is nothing. That should have been my 20s, now I'm old. People say 31 isn't old, well it is if you lived less then the average 16 year old.

I hate myself, I hate that I stayed with that woman, I hate that I thought I have to help or that I wouldn't find anyone better. It ruined my life, she destroyed my mind with loads of things I'm not mentioning on here and I just hate her and myself so much for it. I just don't want to go on. I don't want to live with the knowledge of having lived such a shitty, dumb life and I keep just hoping I could just die some day very very soon. I am too afraid of something going wrong or traumatizing and hurting people but I wish so much that I could just be obliterated by one of those high speed trains I'm sitting in as I'm typing this.

I'm a joke. I am 31, I have spent all my adult life at the same university (Bachelor's, Master's, PhD/ research associate). At 22 I met my girlfriend, the years before I was pretty unhappy. That relationship consumed my whole life. She was constantly miserable, acted like every crisis was the end of the world, made me feel like she'd kill herself at times. She isolated me from my friends by making me feel bad for being a bit less available for texting/calls when I was elsewhere, starting fights, telling me what an awful bf I am and so on, and never had any ambition to do anything without me. She was always one year behind me in terms of uni progress (different field) and just copied moves and only talked to me about that type of stuff which put an insane amount of pressure on me.

But I was addicted to her closeness, even though I just wanted out. Then she cheated after, absolutely destroyed my mind by making cruel jokes and gaslighting me until I was just absolutely gone. And then it dragged on with her making my life even worse while I just wanted her gone yet still felt responsible for her (skipping over a lot here).

I'm now 31, this thing took my best years and the more I try to reclaim my life, the worse it gets. I see how inferior I am to my peers, I see that perfect girl I dated for some time and can only see how great her life is and be ashamed for the life I have lived with my ex. I see the great person she is and how I could be and know that I missed that part of my life. I see my old friends and what interesting people they have become in my absence and just see the shell of a human I am.

This weekend I visited a friend in another city. We spend the whole time doing fun stuff. A small mellow rave by a river in the sun, going out to dinner eating great food, doing the touristy things in his city, go for a swim, hang out by a fire in the garden in the evening... Now I'm going home and see that that all is nothing. That should have been my 20s, now I'm old. People say 31 isn't old, well it is if you lived less then the average 16 year old.

I hate myself, I hate that I stayed with that woman, I hate that I thought I have to help or that I wouldn't find anyone better. It ruined my life, she destroyed my mind with loads of things I'm not mentioning on here and I just hate her and myself so much for it. I just don't want to go on. I don't want to live with the knowledge of having lived such a shitty, dumb life and I keep just hoping I could just die some day very very soon. I am too afraid of something going wrong or traumatizing and hurting people but I wish so much that I could just be obliterated by one of those high speed trains I'm sitting in as I'm typing this.

I'm a joke. I am 31, I have spent all my adult life at the same university (Bachelor's, Master's, PhD/ research associate). At 22 I met my girlfriend, the years before I was pretty unhappy. That relationship consumed my whole life. She was constantly miserable, acted like every crisis was the end of the world, made me feel like she'd kill herself at times. She isolated me from my friends by making me feel bad for being a bit less available for texting/calls when I was elsewhere, starting fights, telling me what an awful bf I am and so on, and never had any ambition to do anything without me. She was always one year behind me in terms of uni progress (different field) and just copied moves and only talked to me about that type of stuff which put an insane amount of pressure on me.

But I was addicted to her closeness, even though I just wanted out. Then she cheated after, absolutely destroyed my mind by making cruel jokes and gaslighting me until I was just absolutely gone. And then it dragged on with her making my life even worse while I just wanted her gone yet still felt responsible for her (skipping over a lot here).

I'm now 31, this thing took my best years and the more I try to reclaim my life, the worse it gets. I see how inferior I am to my peers, I see that perfect girl I dated for some time and can only see how great her life is and be ashamed for the life I have lived with my ex. I see the great person she is and how I could be and know that I missed that part of my life. I see my old friends and what interesting people they have become in my absence and just see the shell of a human I am.

This weekend I visited a friend in another city. We spend the whole time doing fun stuff. A small mellow rave by a river in the sun, going out to dinner eating great food, doing the touristy things in his city, go for a swim, hang out by a fire in the garden in the evening... Now I'm going home and see that that all is nothing. That should have been my 20s, now I'm old. People say 31 isn't old, well it is if you lived less then the average 16 year old.

I hate myself, I hate that I stayed with that woman, I hate that I thought I have to help or that I wouldn't find anyone better. It ruined my life, she destroyed my mind with loads of things I'm not mentioning on here and I just hate her and myself so much for it. I just don't want to go on. I don't want to live with the knowledge of having lived such a shitty, dumb life and I keep just hoping I could just die some day very very soon. I am too afraid of something going wrong or traumatizing and hurting people but I wish so much that I could just be obliterated by one of those high speed trains I'm sitting in as I'm typing this.