u/UltimateSoldier6

I 29 M just got out of a 6-year relationship with a 27 F , and honestly, I feel like my brain is trying to process two completely different realities at once.
We technically broke up back in September, but she never fully let me go either. That’s what messed me up the most. For months, she kept me completely hooked. She still called me handsome and sexy, sent flirty emojis, and slept with me from time to time. She still cuddled me, held my hand, kissed me goodbye, spent weekends with me, and slept in the car with me every single Saturday night. She wore the bracelet and sapphire necklace I bought her, told me she was "still a little in love with me," and acted like there was a real connection. She used me for money, movies, rides, and emotional support, all while lying straight to my face.
Meanwhile, she had already met and been sleeping with another guy since November.
The depth of her lying is honestly sickening to look back on. Just a few weeks ago, we hung out and she explicitly denied me sex, telling me that "sex wasn't good for her" right now. I accepted it, went home, and woke up early the very next morning to do her a favor and drive her to the airport. I found out later that in the tiny window of time between leaving my side that night and me picking her up early the next morning for her flight, she went straight to that guy's house and slept with him. She looked me in the eye at the airport terminal after coming straight from his bed.
The level of trust I had in this girl was absolute. Back in January, I had to go all the way to a research hospital in Colorado to treat my serious chronic health issues. While I was there, the doctors actually told me I might have herpes. I literally told them, "No way. She would never cheat on me, I trust her completely." They ran separate tests back then that came out negative, so I thought we were clear. I defended her to specialists because I couldn't even conceive of her betraying me.
The absolute kicker? She only finally told me the truth a week ago, and the only reason she confessed is because she actually caught herpes from the other guy. Even after bringing a literal health risk into my life and making me look back at my hospital visit in January with horror, she still acts like she’s the good one. She acts like she did nothing wrong, entirely avoiding accountability, while I'm left trying to piece this entire timeline together and figure it all out.
Because of her choices, I've spent the last few days running around to clinics in absolute agony, paying hundreds of dollars out of pocket. Today alone was a total nightmare of healthcare errors—paying a $60 co-pay at CVS MinuteClinic for a PCR swab, then a $70 co-pay for a full STI panel that my primary care doctor promised included everything, only to find out they left the herpes test off entirely. I had to turn right around and spend another $40 co-pay just to get the blood draw they missed.
When I texted her out of frustration about the medical bills and the runaround, she completely minimized it. She turned it into an argument, telling me I was "paying for nothing" and asking why I didn't ask for specific tests, even though I did. When I told her straight up that she was a cheat and a liar, she tried to flip it back on me, texting: "Steven I love you and care about you very much. Idk your like confusing me with everything your saying and you constantly being nice and then getting mad and saying fcked up shit." Then she threw this completely inaccurate medical gaslighting at me, texting: "I only have hsv 2 so I'm sure you don't have hsv1." As if her diagnosis somehow magically protects me or changes the fact that she exposed me.
And because she technically used the phrase “we’re just friends” to cover her tracks since September, every time I got hurt or confused, I became the problem. She gaslit me into feeling crazy for being led on by someone who was actively acting like my partner.
It all blew up today. She messaged me this morning and offered to give me a ride to pick up my motorcycle from the repair shop because it wasn't running right. We ended up in an In-N-Out drive-thru afterward. I finally asked her for the honest truth. She admitted to my face that she had oral sex with him. I told her straight up that if she doesn't love me, it's a bad idea to continue this. I told her, "Good luck, because every relationship has a honeymoon phase and once that wears out you have to put effort into it. I gave a hundred percent for months and you gave zero. You slept with that guy and kept me emotionally attached enough so you could move on while still having me." I told her I couldn't force her to be in love with me, and that I hated this.
Right there in the drive-thru, my body went into immediate psychological shock. I started hyperventilating in the passenger seat, suffocating, telling her I couldn't breathe. I called her pretty a few times during the drive, trying to find an anchor, but she didn't return a single compliment. A normal person would have pulled over or tried to comfort me while I was having a severe panic attack. Instead, she sat in absolute silence after paying for the food. She wouldn't eat. She coldly announced she was dropping me off.
I asked her why. Silence. I asked, "Is it because I didn't pay for the food?" (Which I did completely on purpose—I wasn't about to buy her lunch after what she's done to me). She just muttered, "It's whatever." Then she snapped and told me I was making her anxious. I said, "I'm hurt too, I'm not okay." She screamed back in a mean voice, "Steven, I know you're not fucking okay, you don't need to keep repeating it!" She minimized her entire betrayal and made my panic attack the problem so she wouldn't have to look at her own reflection.
I told her I was done. When we got into my neighborhood, I couldn't stand being trapped in that metal box with her anymore. I demanded she let me out. When she refused, I literally opened the car door while it was still moving to escape. She called me "fucking stupid" as a parting shot.
I closed the door, grabbed my motorcycle helmet, walked straight into my house, and I did not turn around to look back. Usually, my pattern is to chase her, to text paragraphs, or to beg. Not today. I deleted a massive text I was going to send and left her with absolute, freezing silence. A little while ago, she went back and opened an old text I sent hours before she picked me up, just to see if she still had a hook in me. I'm refusing to give her a single ounce of my energy.
I feel like a piece of shit right now because the adrenaline is crashing and my brain is trying to tell me I was the bad guy for being cold, quiet, and eating my food in her face out of anger in the car. But I know the truth now. She broke me, used me, exposed me to health risks, and then blamed me for hurting. I didn't chase her today, and I'm never chasing her again.
Has anyone else dealt with an ex who gaslit you into believing your reaction to their betrayal was the actual problem? How do you cope with the exhaustion of the first night?

I’ve been feeling fluids a while. I didn’t know that my relationship of a long time years would lead to finding out she cheated on me for 6 months. While I was already sick with an autoimmune disease and now I’m freaking out wandering if the cysts folliculitis I had has been hsv this whole time. I’m getting blood tests and a viral pcr was done or viral culture. How will I know if I have this. Thanks.