u/Unhappy_Benefit1482

I have been suffering from OCD all my life.

I have been on Semen Retention for 3 years (1181 days), I relapsed for the first time in 2026 February 28th. Then I felt ashamed so I started to avoid girls, people, objects, passions I follow like dance, music and gym because after the masturbation I thought I don't deserve anything in life because I broke my streak. Not relationships, dance being social and all the things that make us humans I felt impure after that relapse of masturbation. Then after 62 days on May 1 2026, I relapsed again as a way to cope with uncertainty that I don't know if I Masturbated or not so I went to the bathroom and I ejaculated. I felt guilty and ashamed. Then after 9 days since the 2nd relapse, on May 11 2026, I wanted to see if I would masturbate and not feel guilty and anxiety using different techniques which were using my hand. A relapse for the 3rd time. After the third, an hour later, I had a thought, "anyway the long streak is broken who cares?" And did for the 4th time this year. Then on June 18, there was a sleep interruption so when I felt the erection I started fapping. Then I went to the bathroom, and did relapses two more times within the time framework of 2 AM and 4 AM. Now I am avoiding everything and everyone. Withdrawing mostly. Feeling like I don't deserve anything anymore. And some evidence points towards the fact that I have made a rule so strictly on NoFap /Semen Retention that if the streak is collapsed, everything else structured gets cause-and-effect chain like an exothermic reaction. Now I am currently on the 3rd Day of living a lifestyle where NoFap rules still apply but

I am not trying to not tie it to my self-worth. But I can't. I have also been Sexually Abused as a child of 11 and 12 by a year older than me back in those times. So whenever I masturbate, I cancel all other activities for a while until I feel deserving or think I have the right to do them again or do them when I feel okay after avoidance for several days. I think people will judge me for masturbating before somehow they can know it from my face because after masturbation I would be looking dull and tired.

Now I don't have a structure. I am also not good at the things I am passionate about. I started then all late when I was 21. The only thing I was good at was NoFap and now it's broken.

I don't know what else to do. I have addressed the shame but it has not worked in favour of me yet. I try to be self-compassionate but I fail to do it every time. Now I feel like I don't deserve friendships at all and I think that my feelings get invalidated because of masturbation. And I always think about the 6 relapses and it still haunts me.

I relapsed for the 9th times (3 more times) on 29th June 2026

I am very depressed. I wish I didn't take this challenge too seriously. 😞😞

I still have counting compulsions and it's kind of second nature for me. Also checking too. Reviewing inside. When I face other people, I hear what I say to myself in my head when I am alone and think that people are already saying what I am saying to myself because I project my fear onto others. Sometimes I wish that something awful happens to me. I am just tired. And my nervous system is too sensitive for this world. 😢😢

I am trying to get back up but screaming voices of relapses and streak roars loader than a lion

Now trying to get back up, let shame roar more and more it wants to.

.

I don't know if I can get back up again.😓

Feeling bad after doing it.Feelingbad after 3 rounds.

My NoFap journey since 2022

December 6th 2022 till 28th February 2026: 1181 days

28th February till 1st May: 62 days

1st May till 11 May: 10 days

11 May (relapsed 2 times)

11 May till Jun 18: 38 days (relapsed twice again)

Jun 18 till Jun 29: 11 days.

I relapsed today.

I have been suffering from OCD all my life.

I have been on Semen Retention for 3 years (1181 days), I relapsed for the first time in 2026 February 28th. Then I felt ashamed so I started to avoid girls, people, objects, passions I follow like dance, music and gym because after the masturbation I thought I don't deserve anything in life because I broke my streak. Not relationships, dance being social and all the things that make us humans I felt impure after that relapse of masturbation. Then after 62 days on May 1 2026, I relapsed again as a way to cope with uncertainty that I don't know if I Masturbated or not so I went to the bathroom and I ejaculated. I felt guilty and ashamed. Then after 9 days since the 2nd relapse, on May 11 2026, I wanted to see if I would masturbate and not feel guilty and anxiety using different techniques which were using my hand. A relapse for the 3rd time. After the third, an hour later, I had a thought, "anyway the long streak is broken who cares?" And did for the 4th time this year. Then on June 18, there was a sleep interruption so when I felt the erection I started fapping. Then I went to the bathroom, and did relapses two more times within the time framework of 2 AM and 4 AM. Now I am avoiding everything and everyone. Withdrawing mostly. Feeling like I don't deserve anything anymore. And some evidence points towards the fact that I have made a rule so strictly on NoFap /Semen Retention that if the streak is collapsed, everything else structured gets cause-and-effect chain like an exothermic reaction. Now I am currently on the 3rd Day of living a lifestyle where NoFap rules still apply but I am not trying to not tie it to my self-worth. But I can't. I have also been Sexually Abused as a child of 11 and 12 by a year older than me back in those times. So whenever I masturbate, I cancel all other activities for a while until I feel deserving or think I have the right to do them again or do them when I feel okay after avoidance for several days. I think people will judge me for masturbating before somehow they can know it from my face because after masturbation I would be looking dull and tired.

Now I don't have a structure. I am also not good at the things I am passionate about. I started then all late when I was 21. The only thing I was good at was NoFap and now it's broken.

I don't know what else to do. I have addressed the shame but it has not worked in favour of me yet. I try to be self-compassionate but I fail to do it every time. Now I feel like I don't deserve friendships at all and I think that my feelings get invalidated because of masturbation. And I always think about the 6 relapses and it still haunts me.

I am very depressed. I wish I didn't take this challenge too seriously. 😞😞

I still have counting compulsions and it's kind of second nature for me. Also checking too. Reviewing inside. When I face other people, I hear what I say to myself in my head when I am alone and think that people are already saying what I am saying to myself because I project my fear onto others. Sometimes I wish that something awful happens to me. I am just tired. And my nervous system is too sensitive for this world. 😢😢

I am trying to get back up but screaming voices of relapses and streak roars loader than a lion.

This year has to be the worst year in the last 3 years.

I have been suffering from OCD all my life.

I have been on Semen Retention for 3 years (1181 days), I relapsed for the first time in 2026 February 28th. Then I felt ashamed so I started to avoid girls, people, objects, passions I follow like dance, music and gym because after the masturbation I thought I don't deserve anything in life because I broke my streak. Not relationships, dance being social and all the things that make us humans I felt impure after that relapse of masturbation. Then after 62 days on May 1 2026, I relapsed again as a way to cope with uncertainty that I don't know if I Masturbated or not so I went to the bathroom and I ejaculated. I felt guilty and ashamed. Then after 9 days since the 2nd relapse, on May 11 2026, I wanted to see if I would masturbate and not feel guilty and anxiety using different techniques which were using my hand. A relapse for the 3rd time. After the third, an hour later, I had a thought, "anyway the long streak is broken who cares?" And did for the 4th time this year. Then on June 18, there was a sleep interruption so when I felt the erection I started fapping. Then I went to the bathroom, and did relapses two more times within the time framework of 2 AM and 4 AM. Now I am avoiding everything and everyone. Withdrawing mostly. Feeling like I don't deserve anything anymore. And some evidence points towards the fact that I have made a rule so strictly on NoFap /Semen Retention that if the streak is collapsed, everything else structured gets cause-and-effect chain like an exothermic reaction. Now I am currently on the 3rd Day of living a lifestyle where NoFap rules still apply but I am not trying to not tie it to my self-worth. But I can't. I have also been Sexually Abused as a child of 11 and 12 by a year older than me back in those times. So whenever I masturbate, I cancel all other activities for a while until I feel deserving or think I have the right to do them again or do them when I feel okay after avoidance for several days. I think people will judge me for masturbating before somehow they can know it from my face because after masturbation I would be looking dull and tired.

Now I don't have a structure. I am also not good at the things I am passionate about. I started then all late when I was 21. The only thing I was good at was NoFap and now it's broken.

I don't know what else to do. I have addressed the shame but it has not worked in favour of me yet. I try to be self-compassionate but I fail to do it every time. Now I feel like I don't deserve friendships at all and I think that my feelings get invalidated because of masturbation. And I always think about the 6 relapses and it still haunts me.

I am very depressed. I wish I didn't take this challenge too seriously. 😞😞

I still have counting compulsions and it's kind of second nature for me. Also checking too. Reviewing inside. When I face other people, I hear what I say to myself in my head when I am alone and think that people are already saying what I am saying to myself because I project my fear onto others. Sometimes I wish that something awful happens to me. I am just tired. And my nervous system is too sensitive for this world. 😢😢

I am trying to get back up but screaming voices of relapses and streak roars loader than a lion.

This has to be the worst year of my life.

I have been suffering from OCD all my life.

I have been on Semen Retention for 3 years (1181 days), I relapsed for the first time in 2026 February 28th. Then I felt ashamed so I started to avoid girls, people, objects, passions I follow like dance, music and gym because after the masturbation I thought I don't deserve anything in life because I broke my streak. Not relationships, dance being social and all the things that make us humans I felt impure after that relapse of masturbation. Then after 62 days on May 1 2026, I relapsed again as a way to cope with uncertainty that I don't know if I Masturbated or not so I went to the bathroom and I ejaculated. I felt guilty and ashamed. Then after 9 days since the 2nd relapse, on May 11 2026, I wanted to see if I would masturbate and not feel guilty and anxiety using different techniques which were using my hand. A relapse for the 3rd time. After the third, an hour later, I had a thought, "anyway the long streak is broken who cares?" And did for the 4th time this year. Then on June 18, there was a sleep interruption so when I felt the erection I started fapping. Then I went to the bathroom, and did relapses two more times within the time framework of 2 AM and 4 AM. Now I am avoiding everything and everyone. Withdrawing mostly. Feeling like I don't deserve anything anymore. And some evidence points towards the fact that I have made a rule so strictly on NoFap /Semen Retention that if the streak is collapsed, everything else structured gets cause-and-effect chain like an exothermic reaction. Now I am currently on the 3rd Day of living a lifestyle where NoFap rules still apply but I am not trying to not tie it to my self-worth. But I can't. I have also been Sexually Abused as a child of 11 and 12 by a year older than me back in those times. So whenever I masturbate, I cancel all other activities for a while until I feel deserving or think I have the right to do them again or do them when I feel okay after avoidance for several days. I think people will judge me for masturbating before somehow they can know it from my face because after masturbation I would be looking dull and tired.

Now I don't have a structure. I am also not good at the things I am passionate about. I started then all late when I was 21. The only thing I was good at was NoFap and now it's broken.

I don't know what else to do. I have addressed the shame but it has not worked in favour of me yet. I try to be self-compassionate but I fail to do it every time. Now I feel like I don't deserve friendships at all and I think that my feelings get invalidated because of masturbation. And I always think about the 6 relapses and it still haunts me.

I am very depressed. I wish I didn't take this challenge too seriously. 😞😞

I still have counting compulsions and it's kind of second nature for me. Also checking too. Reviewing inside. When I face other people, I hear what I say to myself in my head when I am alone and think that people are already saying what I am saying to myself because I project my fear onto others. Sometimes I wish that something awful happens to me. I am just tired. And my nervous system is too sensitive for this world. 😢😢

I am trying to get back up but screaming voices of relapses and streak roars loader than a lion.

I have been suffering from OCD all my life.

I have been on Semen Retention for 3 years (1181 days), I relapsed for the first time in 2026 February 28th. Then I felt ashamed so I started to avoid girls, people, objects, passions I follow like dance, music and gym because after the masturbation I thought I don't deserve anything in life because I broke my streak. Not relationships, dance being social and all the things that make us humans I felt impure after that relapse of masturbation. Then after 62 days on May 1 2026, I relapsed again as a way to cope with uncertainty that I don't know if I Masturbated or not so I went to the bathroom and I ejaculated. I felt guilty and ashamed. Then after 9 days since the 2nd relapse, on May 11 2026, I wanted to see if I would masturbate and not feel guilty and anxiety using different techniques which were using my hand. A relapse for the 3rd time. After the third, an hour later, I had a thought, "anyway the long streak is broken who cares?" And did for the 4th time this year. Then on June 18, there was a sleep interruption so when I felt the erection I started fapping. Then I went to the bathroom, and did relapses two more times within the time framework of 2 AM and 4 AM. Now I am avoiding everything and everyone. Withdrawing mostly. Feeling like I don't deserve anything anymore. And some evidence points towards the fact that I have made a rule so strictly on NoFap /Semen Retention that if the streak is collapsed, everything else structured gets cause-and-effect chain like an exothermic reaction. Now I am currently on the 3rd Day of living a lifestyle where NoFap rules still apply but I am not trying to not tie it to my self-worth. But I can't. I have also been Sexually Abused as a child of 11 and 12 by a year older than me back in those times. So whenever I masturbate, I cancel all other activities for a while until I feel deserving or think I have the right to do them again or do them when I feel okay after avoidance for several days. I think people will judge me for masturbating before somehow they can know it from my face because after masturbation I would be looking dull and tired.

Now I don't have a structure. I am also not good at the things I am passionate about. I started then all late when I was 21. The only thing I was good at was NoFap and now it's broken.

I don't know what else to do. I have addressed the shame but it has not worked in favour of me yet. I try to be self-compassionate but I fail to do it every time. Now I feel like I don't deserve friendships at all and I think that my feelings get invalidated because of masturbation. And I always think about the 6 relapses and it still haunts me.

I am very depressed. I wish I didn't take this challenge too seriously. 😞😞

I still have counting compulsions and it's kind of second nature for me. Also checking too. Reviewing inside. When I face other people, I hear what I say to myself in my head when I am alone and think that people are already saying what I am saying to myself because I project my fear onto others. Sometimes I wish that something awful happens to me. I am just tired. And my nervous system is too sensitive for this world. 😢😢

I am trying to get back up but screaming voices of relapses and streak roars loader than a lion.

I have struggled with OCD for most of my life. I maintained a 1181-day NoFap/Semen Retention streak (Dec 2022–Feb 2026), but I now realize the streak became tied to my self-worth, purity, and certainty. Since my first relapse on Feb 28, 2026, I have had six relapses this year. Each relapse triggers intense shame, guilt, and the belief that I no longer deserve dance, music, the gym, friendships, or even social interaction. As a result, I isolate myself and avoid the things I love until I feel "worthy" again.

I recognize this has become a cycle: stress/uncertainty → compulsion → shame → avoidance → more shame. I also struggle with checking, counting, reviewing, and reassurance-seeking compulsions. I constantly think people will judge me or somehow know I masturbated, and I project my own self-criticism onto others.

I am trying to rebuild my life without tying my self-worth to my streak, but the shame feels overwhelming. The six relapses haunt me, I feel deeply depressed, and although I want to get back up, the voice of shame and the obsession with my broken streak feel louder than everything else.

I have been suffering from OCD all my life.

I have been on Semen Retention for 3 years (1181 days), I relapsed for the first time in 2026 February 28th. Then I felt ashamed so I started to avoid girls, people, objects, passions I follow like dance, music and gym because after the masturbation I thought I don't deserve anything in life because I broke my streak. Not relationships, dance being social and all the things that make us humans I felt impure after that relapse of masturbation. Then after 62 days on May 1 2026, I relapsed again as a way to cope with uncertainty that I don't know if I Masturbated or not so I went to the bathroom and I ejaculated. I felt guilty and ashamed. Then after 9 days since the 2nd relapse, on May 11 2026, I wanted to see if I would masturbate and not feel guilty and anxiety using different techniques which were using my hand. A relapse for the 3rd time. After the third, an hour later, I had a thought, "anyway the long streak is broken who cares?" And did for the 4th time this year. Then on June 18, there was a sleep interruption so when I felt the erection I started fapping. Then I went to the bathroom, and did relapses two more times within the time framework of 2 AM and 4 AM. Now I am avoiding everything and everyone. Withdrawing mostly. Feeling like I don't deserve anything anymore. And some evidence points towards the fact that I have made a rule so strictly on NoFap /Semen Retention that if the streak is collapsed, everything else structured gets cause-and-effect chain like an exothermic reaction. Now I am currently on the 3rd Day of living a lifestyle where NoFap rules still apply but I am not trying to not tie it to my self-worth. But I can't. I have also been Sexually Abused as a child of 11 and 12 by a year older than me back in those times. So whenever I masturbate, I cancel all other activities for a while until I feel deserving or think I have the right to do them again or do them when I feel okay after avoidance for several days. I think people will judge me for masturbating before somehow they can know it from my face because after masturbation I would be looking dull and tired.

Now I don't have a structure. I am also not good at the things I am passionate about. I started then all late when I was 21. The only thing I was good at was NoFap and now it's broken.

I don't know what else to do. I have addressed the shame but it has not worked in favour of me yet. I try to be self-compassionate but I fail to do it every time. Now I feel like I don't deserve friendships at all and I think that my feelings get invalidated because of masturbation. And I always think about the 6 relapses and it still haunts me.

​

I am very depressed. I wish I didn't take this challenge too seriously. 😞😞

I still have counting compulsions and it's kind of second nature for me. Also checking too. Reviewing inside. When I face other people, I hear what I say to myself in my head when I am alone and think that people are already saying what I am saying to myself because I project my fear onto others. Sometimes I wish that something awful happens to me. I am just tired. And my nervous system is too sensitive for this world. 😢😢

​

​

I have been suffering from OCD all my life.

I have been on Semen Retention for 3 years (1181 days), I relapsed for the first time in 2026 February 28th. Then I felt ashamed so I started to avoid girls, people, objects, passions I follow like dance, music and gym because after the masturbation I thought I don't deserve anything in life because I broke my streak. Not relationships, dance being social and all the things that make us humans I felt impure after that relapse of masturbation. Then after 62 days on May 1 2026, I relapsed again as a way to cope with uncertainty that I don't know if I Masturbated or not so I went to the bathroom and I ejaculated. I felt guilty and ashamed. Then after 9 days since the 2nd relapse, on May 11 2026, I wanted to see if I would masturbate and not feel guilty and anxiety using different techniques which were using my hand. A relapse for the 3rd time. After the third, an hour later, I had a thought, "anyway the long streak is broken who cares?" And did for the 4th time this year. Then on June 18, there was a sleep interruption so when I felt the erection I started fapping. Then I went to the bathroom, and did relapses two more times within the time framework of 2 AM and 4 AM. Now I am avoiding everything and everyone. Withdrawing mostly. Feeling like I don't deserve anything anymore. And some evidence points towards the fact that I have made a rule so strictly on NoFap /Semen Retention that if the streak is collapsed, everything else structured gets cause-and-effect chain like an exothermic reaction. Now I am currently on the 3rd Day of living a lifestyle where NoFap rules still apply but I am not trying to not tie it to my self-worth. But I can't. I have also been Sexually Abused as a child of 11 and 12 by a year older than me back in those times. So whenever I masturbate, I cancel all other activities for a while until I feel deserving or think I have the right to do them again or do them when I feel okay after avoidance for several days. I think people will judge me for masturbating before somehow they can know it from my face because after masturbation I would be looking dull and tired.

Now I don't have a structure. I am also not good at the things I am passionate about. I started then all late when I was 21. The only thing I was good at was NoFap and now it's broken.

I don't know what else to do. I have addressed the shame but it has not worked in favour of me yet. I try to be self-compassionate but I fail to do it every time. Now I feel like I don't deserve friendships at all and I think that my feelings get invalidated because of masturbation. And I always think about the 6 relapses and it still haunts me.

​

I am very depressed. I wish I didn't take this challenge too seriously. 😞😞

I still have counting compulsions and it's kind of second nature for me. Also checking too. Reviewing inside. When I face other people, I hear what I say to myself in my head when I am alone and think that people are already saying what I am saying to myself because I project my fear onto others. Sometimes I wish that something awful happens to me. I am just tired. And my nervous system is too sensitive for this world. 😢😢

​

​

I have been suffering from OCD all my life.

I have been on Semen Retention for 3 years (1181 days), I relapsed for the first time in 2026 February 28th. Then I felt ashamed so I started to avoid girls, people, objects, passions I follow like dance, music and gym because after the masturbation I thought I don't deserve anything in life because I broke my streak. Not relationships, dance being social and all the things that make us humans I felt impure after that relapse of masturbation. Then after 62 days on May 1 2026, I relapsed again as a way to cope with uncertainty that I don't know if I Masturbated or not so I went to the bathroom and I ejaculated. I felt guilty and ashamed. Then after 9 days since the 2nd relapse, on May 11 2026, I wanted to see if I would masturbate and not feel guilty and anxiety using different techniques which were using my hand. A relapse for the 3rd time. After the third, an hour later, I had a thought, "anyway the long streak is broken who cares?" And did for the 4th time this year. Then on June 18, there was a sleep interruption so when I felt the erection I started fapping. Then I went to the bathroom, and did relapses two more times within the time framework of 2 AM and 4 AM. Now I am avoiding everything and everyone. Withdrawing mostly. Feeling like I don't deserve anything anymore. And some evidence points towards the fact that I have made a rule so strictly on NoFap /Semen Retention that if the streak is collapsed, everything else structured gets cause-and-effect chain like an exothermic reaction. Now I am currently on the 3rd Day of living a lifestyle where NoFap rules still apply but I am not trying to not tie it to my self-worth. But I can't. I have also been Sexually Abused as a child of 11 and 12 by a year older than me back in those times. So whenever I masturbate, I cancel all other activities for a while until I feel deserving or think I have the right to do them again or do them when I feel okay after avoidance for several days. I think people will judge me for masturbating before somehow they can know it from my face because after masturbation I would be looking dull and tired.

Now I don't have a structure. I am also not good at the things I am passionate about. I started then all late when I was 21. The only thing I was good at was NoFap and now it's broken.

I don't know what else to do. I have addressed the shame but it has not worked in favour of me yet. I try to be self-compassionate but I fail to do it every time. Now I feel like I don't deserve friendships at all and I think that my feelings get invalidated because of masturbation. And I always think about the 6 relapses and it still haunts me.

​

I am very depressed. I wish I didn't take this challenge too seriously. 😞😞

I still have counting compulsions and it's kind of second nature for me. Also checking too. Reviewing inside. When I face other people, I hear what I say to myself in my head when I am alone and think that people are already saying what I am saying to myself because I project my fear onto others. Sometimes I wish that something awful happens to me. I am just tired. And my nervous system is too sensitive for this world. 😢😢

​

​

I have been suffering from OCD all my life.

I have been on Semen Retention for 3 years (1181 days), I relapsed for the first time in 2026 February 28th. Then I felt ashamed so I started to avoid girls, people, objects, passions I follow like dance, music and gym because after the masturbation I thought I don't deserve anything in life because I broke my streak. Not relationships, dance being social and all the things that make us humans I felt impure after that relapse of masturbation. Then after 62 days on May 1 2026, I relapsed again as a way to cope with uncertainty that I don't know if I Masturbated or not so I went to the bathroom and I ejaculated. I felt guilty and ashamed. Then after 9 days since the 2nd relapse, on May 11 2026, I wanted to see if I would masturbate and not feel guilty and anxiety using different techniques which were using my hand. A relapse for the 3rd time. After the third, an hour later, I had a thought, "anyway the long streak is broken who cares?" And did for the 4th time this year. Then on June 18, there was a sleep interruption so when I felt the erection I started fapping. Then I went to the bathroom, and did relapses two more times within the time framework of 2 AM and 4 AM. Now I am avoiding everything and everyone. Withdrawing mostly. Feeling like I don't deserve anything anymore. And some evidence points towards the fact that I have made a rule so strictly on NoFap /Semen Retention that if the streak is collapsed, everything else structured gets cause-and-effect chain like an exothermic reaction. Now I am currently on the 3rd Day of living a lifestyle where NoFap rules still apply but I am not trying to not tie it to my self-worth. But I can't. I have also been Sexually Abused as a child of 11 and 12 by a year older than me back in those times. So whenever I masturbate, I cancel all other activities for a while until I feel deserving or think I have the right to do them again or do them when I feel okay after avoidance for several days. I think people will judge me for masturbating before somehow they can know it from my face because after masturbation I would be looking dull and tired.

Now I don't have a structure. I am also not good at the things I am passionate about. I started then all late when I was 21. The only thing I was good at was NoFap and now it's broken.

I don't know what else to do. I have addressed the shame but it has not worked in favour of me yet. I try to be self-compassionate but I fail to do it every time. Now I feel like I don't deserve friendships at all and I think that my feelings get invalidated because of masturbation. And I always think about the 6 relapses and it still haunts me.

​

I am very depressed. I wish I didn't take this challenge too seriously. 😞😞

I still have counting compulsions and it's kind of second nature for me. Also checking too. Reviewing inside. When I face other people, I hear what I say to myself in my head when I am alone and think that people are already saying what I am saying to myself because I project my fear onto others. Sometimes I wish that something awful happens to me. I am just tired. And my nervous system is too sensitive for this world. 😢😢

​

​

I have been suffering from OCD all my life.

I have been on Semen Retention for 3 years (1181 days), I relapsed for the first time in 2026 February 28th. Then I felt ashamed so I started to avoid girls, people, objects, passions I follow like dance, music and gym because after the masturbation I thought I don't deserve anything in life because I broke my streak. Not relationships, dance being social and all the things that make us humans I felt impure after that relapse of masturbation. Then after 62 days on May 1 2026, I relapsed again as a way to cope with uncertainty that I don't know if I Masturbated or not so I went to the bathroom and I ejaculated. I felt guilty and ashamed. Then after 9 days since the 2nd relapse, on May 11 2026, I wanted to see if I would masturbate and not feel guilty and anxiety using different techniques which were using my hand. A relapse for the 3rd time. After the third, an hour later, I had a thought, "anyway the long streak is broken who cares?" And did for the 4th time this year. Then on June 18, there was a sleep interruption so when I felt the erection I started fapping. Then I went to the bathroom, and did relapses two more times within the time framework of 2 AM and 4 AM. Now I am avoiding everything and everyone. Withdrawing mostly. Feeling like I don't deserve anything anymore. And some evidence points towards the fact that I have made a rule so strictly on NoFap /Semen Retention that if the streak is collapsed, everything else structured gets cause-and-effect chain like an exothermic reaction. Now I am currently on the 3rd Day of living a lifestyle where NoFap rules still apply but I am not trying to not tie it to my self-worth. But I can't. I have also been Sexually Abused as a child of 11 and 12 by a year older than me back in those times. So whenever I masturbate, I cancel all other activities for a while until I feel deserving or think I have the right to do them again or do them when I feel okay after avoidance for several days. I think people will judge me for masturbating before somehow they can know it from my face because after masturbation I would be looking dull and tired.

Now I don't have a structure. I am also not good at the things I am passionate about. I started then all late when I was 21. The only thing I was good at was NoFap and now it's broken.

I don't know what else to do. I have addressed the shame but it has not worked in favour of me yet. I try to be self-compassionate but I fail to do it every time. Now I feel like I don't deserve friendships at all and I think that my feelings get invalidated because of masturbation. And I always think about the 6 relapses and it still haunts me.

​

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