u/WZL_1129

Hi all! I am a ftm to a 15 month old little boy! My husband and I are currently discussing the idea of another child sometime in the future.

The problem is this: my mental health got extremely bad postpartum with my first. Extreme postpartum anxiety and depression. Even some SI. I am in therapy now and have been doing lots better since starting therapy. My baby was also a very colicky baby. He screamed constantly unless he was sleeping for like 12 weeks. And even after that he was what I think would be considered a very high needs baby. He still has zero chill as a toddler but it’s just more like tantrums and getting into everything all the time.

My husband was and never has been what you would consider a “baby guy.” He loves our son and is super involved with him now. He was involved when he was a baby but you could tell that he was at a loss most of the time and had never been around a baby before. Hes mentioned several times that hes just now starting to enjoy time with our son and he doesn’t want to do the baby stage again. More importantly he says that he’s worried that neither he nor I can handle another postpartum period like I had with our first. He says our marriage won’t survive it and he’s worried that I potentially wouldn’t “survive” it (if you get his drift). I admit that things got very dark and our marriage has taken a big hit — especially before me starting therapy. The mental health aspect scares me too — that was one of the worst times in my life (mood/self image wise). I am worried that it will happen again. I am worried that our second would be just as hard of a baby as our first has been. But I also don’t feel done. I don’t want my little boy to grow up alone, to go through life alone, to bury us alone. My sister and I fight but I wouldn’t ever wish I didn’t have her. I feel that if I don’t have another that I will look back and regret it. My husband doesn’t feel he would regret not having another, he’s perfectly fine with things the way they are now. He was essentially an only child — he did have a stepsister that is 9 years his senior.

My husband feels he is OAD. I feel like I need one more. And to elaborate: prior to getting married we had always discussed two children and agreed on that. Having the first has just changed things with how badly it went for a while.

I guess I am asking for some perspectives/advice here?

If you had severe postpartum symptoms with your first, were they better or worse with your subsequent pregnancies/births?

If you had a really hard baby first, was your secind easier or harder?

What age gap would you veteran parents recommend for someone in my situation if we decide to proceed with another baby?

My husband and I will be filing a W2 and a 1099 for this year when we file taxes. His 1099 work starts next month. How much of the 1099 income should we be trying to put back for paying taxes? (Sorry if my terminology is inaccurate, I don’t know much about all of this)

Anyone have advice and tips for the beach with a 14 month old? Going in less than a week! Last year he was just 3 months and a little lump on a log so to speak lol. Now he is wide open all the time. He normally takes 1 nap a day. Still breastfeeds. Family normally likes to go out to eat at least 1 night but generally likes to be on the beach most of the time. My little guy loves to be outside and running around like a feral little animal most of the time (we love it lol).

Any advice on tackling the beach with a 1 yr old is appreciated! We also have a 4-5hr drive to get there so car riding tips appreciated too! Thanks!

Someone please please please give me some advice here.

I have a 14 month old boy that is high energy. He has met all milestones relatively early and is constantly on the move. He runs everywhere, no walking anymore; climbs on everything; plays with nothing for more than 5 min; etc. He doesn’t slow down at all except for his one nap (1 maybe 2 hr) a day.

All of that to bring us here: he has started screaming. All the time. At the top of his lungs. Inside. Outside. At home. In public. When he’s mad. When he’s happy. When he’s bored. When he’s playing. All. The. Time. Screaming. I can’t take it anymore. I have tried calmly talking to him. I have tried distracting him. Tried explaining/modeling “inside” voice vs “outside” voice. Tried ignoring the screaming (to which his response was to get louder and louder). I’ve even (regretfully) resorted to less gentle methods like a pop on the butt. But nothing at all seems to work. Im at my wits end with this. I feel like we can’t go anywhere in public anymore because of this. Please HELP.

Has anyone done a last will or whatever you do to legally say who your kid goes to if you die?

My husband and I are taking a long drive for a day trip without baby for the first time tomorrow and the intrusive thoughts about “what would happen if xyz…” are flooding my brain.

It just got me thinking when or if people do paperwork for things like this? I know that I want him to be with my parents if something were to happen to me and husband before them. They really know him best (second to husband and I) and we spend lots of time with them at their home. My son likely views their house as his house as well considering how much we have stayed here. My in-laws are not super involved (by their own choice) as it is and my son treats them like strangers when he does see them. But I don’t know that they would just “let” my parents have custody of him in the event of a tragedy. They may just let it happen so it wouldn’t disrupt their lives but they can be the type that wouldn’t just “let it go” (even if it’s what’s best for the kid) bc it’s not “fair” to them. So Im just wondering if there’s anything I can do legally to ensure my parents would become his legal guardians in that event?

Sorry for the somewhat morbid/rambling post!

Has anyone done a last will or whatever you do to legally say who your kid goes to if you die?

My husband and I are taking a long drive for a day trip without baby for the first time tomorrow and the intrusive thoughts about “what would happen if xyz…” are flooding my brain.

It just got me thinking when or if people do paperwork for things like this? I know that I want him to be with my parents if something were to happen to me and husband before them. They really know him best (second to husband and I) and we spend lots of time with them at their home. My son likely views their house as his house as well considering how much we have stayed here. My in-laws are not super involved (by their own choice) as it is and my son treats them like strangers when he does see them. But I don’t know that they would just “let” my parents have custody of him in the event of a tragedy. They may just let it happen so it wouldn’t disrupt their lives but they can be the type that wouldn’t just “let it go” (even if it’s what’s best for the kid) bc it’s not “fair” to them. So Im just wondering if there’s anything I can do legally to ensure my parents would become his legal guardians in that event?

Sorry for the somewhat morbid/rambling post!

Kai is somewhat of a family name and what my parents had planned on using if they ever had a boy. Our first’s name is Ezekiel but he goes by Zeke. I’ve always loved the name Kai for a boy and my husband likes it too but we would like to use Kyler and have the child go by Kai. I think that spelling Kyler —> Kailer looks weird and will likely be mispronounced but I also don’t want to spell Kai “KY” either… so I’m stumped, is there any universe where there’s an alternative spelling for Kyler that isn’t weird?

Edit: I failed to make clear originally that my dilemma is that I’d like the spellings of the given name and shortened version (that he will go by) to match. (I.e. Kyler/Ky or Kailer/Kai)?

Any advice from others whose spouse is gone overnight or other first responder spouses please!

Prior to having kids staying home alone when my husband was working did not worry me at all. Now that we have a baby, I get worried sick about staying overnight alone with him. I am worried something is going to happen while im here alone with him — mostly like someone breaking in and/or looking to do us harm. Prior to having kids I knew that I could make it to my self defense weapon and had a plan for what I’d do if anything ever happened and wasn’t worried. Now I have no idea what I would do if someone attempted to break in or harm us. We bed share so at least baby is next to me all night but I have no idea whether id leave him to retrieve a weapon from the other room or stay with him unarmed? Idk why Im spiraling like this every night Im home alone with our baby.

For the first several months after he was born we just stayed with my parents on the nights my husband worked overnight — we are trying to stay home more now and keep baby on a better more consistent routine.

Anyone else have a plan of what they would do in that situation? Am I being crazy worrying about it?