u/WillingnessOwn4298

Another one of my vents cause I don't feel okay.....per usual [gonna be a little off topic and random ]

For context I'm am Kitty, 16f. I grew up in a severely abusive household inside of a third world country where abuse is VERY much normalized and I developed chronic deppression, SH, an ED , ADHD , severe anxiety, and worst of all BPD. I've been in constant pain and fear since I can remember and well that's all about my life

Anyways so these posts will be a countdown or dated till I'm gone. I'll just be talking about my feelings in these , no explanation. For context , check my profile i have another post there

I wrote about how much my current class test meant to me in another post and well it went awfully.......I'll leave that text here for people to get the hint of how much it meant to me

\[I vent here all the time so there's alot on my profile about my life. Anyways so since i was really young like kindergarten i used tp be the kid who learnt reallu slow and didn’t wanna concentrate most of the time. Little did anybody know back then that i had ADHD, idk how it would've been for someone else but for me it led tp the abuse at home getting worse.....i remember my father lunging towards me wiyh a knife, tryna break the TV, and almost every few months he was throwing a huge tantrum where he'd throw away all my toys cause I didn't study enough. Now the standards for academics are already SEVERLY high ahd toxic in my country on top pf that i was basically flunking and that earned me the label "trouble" kid before i could even realize what that is. I've repeated this so many times and I am kinda tired to do it again, but just for context all through middle and high school my mental health got wayy worse, abuse got worse, bullying got worse and science and math was literally IMPOSSIBLE for me and all i remember from the last three years is cutting and panick attacks and obviously I didn't recieve proper treatment. This year tho i fonnaly got to pick my favorite subjects AND got my favorite teacher who is basically a mum to me as my homeroom teacher \\\[in my country we pick subjects in 11th grade/junior year\\\]. I love my subjects i really do and i was doing so well with studying them but then my mother has an episode....and the last two weeks have been hell , i haven't been able to even open the books and even when I get the book something always starts inside the house and yes my sensitivity and exhaustion has reached so far now even the slightest shit break my focus and well the shit at my home is nowhere near "slight". I have my first term of junior year on Friday......idk if I'll get horrid marks again...and it's terrifying because getting horrible marks in my favorite subjects for the first time would literally BREAK me and my promise of proving everybody wrong this time.......and even as I'm venting here I feel so freakin guilty cause yes it's me whose unable to study this time ans maybe they were right all along that I'm lazy and made up my self harm , ED, ADHD, BPD and deppression just to escape studying......\]

Anyways back to the main vent, i tried to study that subject over and over and over the days before\[getting mocked and triggered by my abusers over and over\] ...especially the night before i was awake trying over and over again and i couldn't finish much of the syllabus....i barely got a B- in that subject and i hate myself for it. I came back home didn't sleep even tho I hadn't slept in twp days, instead i studied for the next subject , but yet again i ended up with two anxiety attacks that night, and another one in the morning, i was on multiple meds AND my blood pressure had been fluctuating for a while.....i literally forced myself to write half the exam only for mw to start getting lightheaded \[happens due to chronic anxiety\] and then I got the most horrible SA flashbacks for like an hour and couldn't write the rest \[skipped 30 marks \] , everybody throught i just pretended to be sick just to be lazy.......and i had to act like I didn't care about it when I fucking did , so fucking much. I came back and yet AGAIN started to study for the next subject \[i have that one tommorow\] and yup.....I'm still constantly being himiliated by my abusers and am being told that i made up excuses and flunked the exam. Truth be told i KNOW that with the constant abuse at home and my health conditions i can never fully perform in a test but I fucking try to fucking hard, ut takes me thrice the effort of a normal person to even be able to give these tests....yet all I recieve is mockery, criticism and humiliation and ik I'll get a 70-75 percent score AGAIN and it'll prove them all right.

As i have written here before i live in one of the MOST conservative and hypocritical country and welp one of those hypocrisies is that girls who dress well, smell good, takes care of themselves, look good are whores looking for attention and they are always meant to academically fail as they are putting all of their concentration into their appearance , I'm not even talking a full face of makeup here, I'm talking lip balm and sunscreen, I'm talking having hair that is healthy, I'm talking multiple ear piercings. Teachers in high schools stand at the entrance HUMILIATING teenage girls for a strand of hair that fell out, a skirt that is an inch too short, or lips that look a little to pink , that's how fuxked it is. I have always rebelled against this system in my school so yup i have been called a pick me and a trouble maker all along. The SAME day i flunked that exam and was so fucking sick that i threw up in school, that very teacher came to me THRICE , to THREATEN me for having micro braids in my hair , the school literally suggests braids for girls yet she attacked me just cause my hair was down and i have 4 microbraids in the front sections. My fucking braids DID NOT and DOES not AFFECT anybody inside that school in the slightest yet it's considered "innapropriate" and "a bad influence to younger girls" \[I'm in junior year so I'm considered a senior to the other younger girls\] for having 4 fucking MICRO braids in MY hair.

And then I fucking watched videos of more hypocrisies in this country, when apparently two SIBLINGS got arrested from a park just cause a police officer throught they were a couple on a date in public! How fucking sinful isn't it??? While there's dozens of rape cases in every state that the government doesn't give a shit about while a supreme court jury member says in an interview "rape is inevitable in this country so just lie down and enjoy it girls" while he LAUGHES AND THE OTHER JOINED IN.

I feel so freakin guilty for this...

For context I'm am Kitty, 16f. I grew up in a severely abusive household inside of a third world country where abuse is VERY much normalized and I developed chronic deppression, SH, an ED , ADHD , severe anxiety, and worst of all BPD. I've been in constant pain and fear since I can remember and well that's all about my life

I vent here all the time so there's alot on my profile about my life. Anyways so since i was really young like kindergarten i used tp be the kid who learnt reallu slow and didn’t wanna concentrate most of the time. Little did anybody know back then that i had ADHD, idk how it would've been for someone else but for me it led tp the abuse at home getting worse.....i remember my father lunging towards me wiyh a knife, tryna break the TV, and almost every few months he was throwing a huge tantrum where he'd throw away all my toys cause I didn't study enough. Now the standards for academics are already SEVERLY high ahd toxic in my country on top pf that i was basically flunking and that earned me the label "trouble" kid before i could even realize what that is. I've repeated this so many times and I am kinda tired to do it again, but just for context all through middle and high school my mental health got wayy worse, abuse got worse, bullying got worse and science and math was literally IMPOSSIBLE for me and all i remember from the last three years is cutting and panick attacks and obviously I didn't recieve proper treatment. This year tho i fonnaly got to pick my favorite subjects AND got my favorite teacher who is basically a mum to me as my homeroom teacher \[in my country we pick subjects in 11th grade/junior year\]. I love my subjects i really do and i was doing so well with studying them but then my mother has an episode....and the last two weeks have been hell , i haven't been able to even open the books and even when I get the book something always starts inside the house and yes my sensitivity and exhaustion has reached so far now even the slightest shit break my focus and well the shit at my home is nowhere near "slight". I have my first term of junior year on Friday......idk if I'll get horrid marks again...and it's terrifying because getting horrible marks in my favorite subjects for the first time would literally BREAK me and my promise of proving everybody wrong this time.......and even as I'm venting here I feel so freakin guilty cause yes it's me whose unable to study this time ans maybe they were right all along that I'm lazy and made up my self harm , ED, ADHD, BPD and deppression just to escape studying..

I've already wrote all of thaat in another vent but well on Friday I got geo test and i promise i TRIED....tried as much as I could even if it isn't much to study. But i just can't, after everything she [main abuser] puts me through i don't have any motivation to study when i get to my room i really don't. And the worst part is these very people will blame for getting bad grades abd it'll be proven that I'm horrible in all subjects [eveb thobi ALWYAS got good grades in these subjects last year and they never even noticed it over the failed math sheet]. Anyways ik i should study....but i can't....i can't push down all this shit inside my head abd sit and concentrate. I could study rn but it's finnaly late night and i can finnaly close my door and switch on a dimmer light [i get exhqusted easily cause of the mixture of my many illnesses and they don't allow me to switch off the VERY coarse lights that are in every room even mine while they're awake as another form of control].

[Ik everybody here thinks I'm ab attention seeker for posting here everyday . But I don't have anywhere to vent and yes horrible things do happen to me every day so this is like my digital journal ] [for the other people who apparently think I'm insufferable and i refuse to listen to advice , ya'll have been repeating the same move out and run away "advice" with NO CONTEXT qnd well i am not so fucking lucky that i can JUST run the fuck away]

For context I'm am Kitty, 16f. I grew up in a severely abusive household inside of a third world country where abuse is VERY much normalized and I developed chronic deppression, SH, an ED , ADHD , severe anxiety, and worst of all BPD. I've been in constant pain and fear since I can remember and well that's all about my life

Anyways i am dying in 8 months and before anybody goes "don't do it it isn't worth it" lemme just say I've tried EVERY possibility and considered everything aspect before coming to thing. And also no way to get outta my country

Anyways so i have 8 months and since I never really got to live, now I have a bucket list to go through. And i mean it, i HAVE TO do this. Before i tell ya'll my wish abd you call me materialistic, here's what i ACTUALLY wanted to do but cannot cause of this country- wanna stargaze, lay on fresh grass, walk down a empty road late at night on my own , have ACTUAL irl friends, visit a pretty little small town , get to go to a beach in the summer and SO MANY more but that CAN'T happen in 8 months inside of south asia so yes what i want is to empty the list of things I'd out in my cart with a heart full of hope eveey birthday only to NEVER even have a birthday or get bullied and abused on most . I wanna empty that list but the problem is it has grown huge since it's so old and i need quite a bit of money like atleast 60-80k . I'm gonna sell some gold jwellery to get this money and ik it's wrong but I do DESERVE to have one fucking wish fulfilled before i go so imma do that. Anywyas what I am posting tjis for is to ask for advice on how to sell the gold, it's 24 carrot but doesn't have receipt, I'll be selling it to a local jweler and i need advice on how to get it sold and also get a good amount of money

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For context I'm am Kitty, 16f. I grew up in a severely abusive household inside of a third world country where abuse is VERY much normalized and I developed chronic deppression, SH, an ED , ADHD , severe anxiety, and worst of all BPD. I've been in constant pain and fear since I can remember and well that's all about my life

Anyways so these posts will be a countdown or dated till I'm gone. I'll just be talking about my feelings in these , no explanation. For context , check my profile i have another post there

So.....she\[abusive mother\] got mad about her air conditioning not working and she started her usual shit....idk how to explain what she's like why she's abusive but I'll try my best here. Her eyes go wide abd diluted , she starts shaking her head wildly and running around yelling insults at me and attacking me, then she pushes into my room, plops down on my bed and refuses to leave as she keep shouting while sitting there. Anyways she said all the usual things she does and hit me and I'll just quote her "i cannot keep tolerating a big fat cow infront of eyes anymore! When the fuck are you gonna leave this house?? Why don't you die yet huh. Fucking big whore, why are you so fat , why dint you loose weight . Go to the fucking gym! You should stop eating and maybe then some of that fat will melt off of you you fucking bitch. You're go fucking horny aren't you?? Cause nobody ever looks at a slut like you irl and that's why you went to that room that day huh?? You fucking whore. When are you gonna leave ! When will you die!" And more stuff....well for context now she wants to send me ofd to a third tied college \[which is more of a slum\] in the next town after high school \[her plan is to still keep me under her control while also kicking me outta the house\] and this she has forced on me after she crushed my dreams and didn’t let me prepare or apply to actual colleges i wanted to go to. Then she starts banging her head and lunging at me till I agreed to not even apply abroad. She's bodyshamed me sinec i was 9 , check my other posts for details but all I gotta day is that yhe bodyshaming lead to abuse that was SEVERE. Every second she mocks me telling me she'll pack me and ship me off then my brother can have the room and she wouldn't have to see me ever again. She keeps on saying i have turned into a worthless peice of shit. She genuinely can't tolerate me cause of my weight.....the other context is that yesterday my brother's guitar teacher came and i had to go to that room to get something and the abuse was literally punishment for going to that room in a tank top , she even tore it off my body and fondled my breasts while slut shaming me SEVERELY. And saying the most cruelest things and today she also made it clear that she doesn't just do it all outta hurt but in deliberation when she literally mentioned that she had gotten my reports for anxiety and BPD and if i tried to tell somebody then she would just show those and tell them I'm crazy and then nobody would believe me and also she was literally grabbing onto my phone and trying to delete my recordings of her abuse. And lastly...the thing I'm most shamed for - academics...anywyas I've finnaly got my pick subjects this year and was enjoying studying, i even wanted to do good....and it matter SO MUCH to me for so many reasons but my exams are next week and I haven't been able to study in the last couple weeks due to my mum and i just know I won't be able to do good....again....

For context I'm am Kitty, 16f. I grew up in a severely abusive household inside of a third world country where abuse is VERY much normalized and I developed chronic deppression, SH, an ED , ADHD , severe anxiety, and worst of all BPD. I've been in constant pain and fear since I can remember and well that's all about my life.

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Read my other posts to know what's going on , anyways i really really need some people to talk to. Only have 8 months, hope somebody responds.

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For context I'm am Kitty, 16f. I grew up in a severely abusive household inside of a third world country where abuse is VERY much normalized and I developed chronic deppression, SH, an ED , ADHD , severe anxiety, and worst of all BPD. I've been in constant pain and fear since I can remember and well that's all about my life

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Pain isn't anything new in my life but the thing is as the days pass it only gets worse and worse and worse. Since the day I took the decision to die in the next 8 months I have stopped trying to constantly work just to prove to my abusive ass Mother that I am not useless and worthless so yes I've been laying in bed alot more and still I do get all my chores done yet whenever I am alone in my room and just resting she barges in and explodes at me with evey fucking complaint she has and says shit like "I can't Tolerate this huge fucking hippo sitting around with that disgusting fucking ass" and goes on to mock me every second . I don't have the energy to describe all of it but just to help ya'll understand, I am humiliated for even heading to my room after eating \[Mind you i am made to sit infront of them and eat while they mock and insult my appearance for their satisfaction\]. Yesterday I went to a party, it was that hosted by somebody from my previous school . So as usual bad idea to actually go. She is or atleast used to be close with me and whej I entered her place, it was full of the exact group of people who'd bully me idk why I was always so alien to them anyways her parent's house was so clean.......like even living on a building tjat is smaller than ours, they've kept it so dang clean and it made me so envious...because she hadn't had to spend her life cleaning after her parents and tryna get outta home constantly cause her parents were hoarders and the house was full of cobwebs , rodents and infestation. The came the next thing, her mum had made her snacks and was talking to everybody and she's just inherently so so nice\[known her for a years\] and her dad actually drove all the girls home including me , I again wanted to cry cause that monster \[father\] wouldn't stop yelling the ONE day I'd asked my ONE friend to come over in my entire high school life and she'd refused to ever visit again after everything that happened rigjt infront of her that night. And if all of that wasn't enough, all the other girls were GORGEOUS at the part, every single one, some of them hadn't even worn makeup but looked gorgeous and I just looked as usual....ugliest of the lot. Like I didn't even look like i came from the same UNIVERSE. All of them skinny, perfect body proportions, pretty hair and eyes, not a smudge in their lipstick, petite looking like a group of angels. And then my mother was mocking me earlier about how i don't do anything and how many I am and how fat I am and how she wanted to break my neck and I just told her how clean their house was outta anger and she went on to tell me hoe I shouldn't expect her to keep tje place clean and she is proud to know zero hospitality towards guest and when I tried to tell her that atleast she shouldn't have ran my friend out then I couldn't served her the food and she went on to tell me I don't do anything . I know that with the place where I live in I will never have a support systen irl but I atleast hopw to get somebody to care about me only before I die next year but even that has miserably failed. Every so called "friend" i made....I've been there for them every second I could only for them to leave when they say that I was miserable and just send a "you're too much I'm sorry I wish I could help you text" not even bothering to send a second text. I had one person i had held onto with life who used to claim that he loved me only to gimme speeches on how I am too much whenever I vented , yes I didn't vent alit but only because I felt safe for the very first time in my life with somebody and I DID go through horrible stuff almost EVERY SINGLE DAY. Yet i meant nothing.....it's been weeks since I've stopped sending texts ans he hasn't bother to text even once by himself and Ik he won't unless I text first. I've begged to people to gimme just a little advice and help me plan my escape only for them to ghost me after promising they'd help....even tho talking wouldn't cost a penny. And when I've tried to ask for help or vented I've gotten comments like "don't die reach out" like this IS me reaching out and instead of wasting a second of their time i get another "reach out" tezt as if i am not r3aching out! to this day i hope that I'll find somebody who's actually care....but ik there isn't anybody out there kind enough to help or even talk to me...yet i am the one who's STILL expected to be nice , kinda and respectful by these so called friends of mine and if I'm just a little rude , I'm immediately the villain when they haven't experienced a third of what I go through EVERY SINGLE DAY.

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\[If a single human being whi reads this have humanity left in them then I hope I get a response....\]

So for context - I'm kitty 16f, I'll state some things were that definitely lead to the grooming. So I come from a very primitive third world country , and i have been abused by my parents all my life , my father is a monster and also I was bullied SEVERELY both in school and in town for being a different body type from what's acceptable here.

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So by the time that I turned 13 I'd changed two schools due to bullying , and just joined a third school and even there i had been immediately outcasted , i had a crush on a boy and well that ended up in SEVERE bullying. This is the time when I found apps like reddit, Discord, Telegram and well that was definitely a mistake...... It started when I guy on Instagram messaged me and said I was "sexy" from one of my posts and well i liked the attention tbh....I had NEVER even imagined anybody COULD find me attractive. It'd always felt impossible. That guy[Let's call him jake] told me he was 21 and id asked him wasn't i too young and he'd said "age is just a number" so for a while he showered me with sweet words.....and then he started to ask for pictured of my body, I'd never done anything like that before and I didn't know how to handle it. I sent him pictures cause he'd get so mad when I didn't , Timeskip- in a couple months he was basically just using me to get nudes whenever he wanted and ignoring me the rest of the time . He blocked me once he was bored , i later learned he was a much older man and he'd even shared my pictures with his friends.....god knows how fucking mortified and ashamed I was, not at him but at myself , i thought I was disgusting and well i hadn't realized what my country was like yet so id told one pf my older cousins . She'd joked and said that I shouldn't "make a fuss" after what I'd sent and I couldn't darw to tell my mum cause I remember her seeing his picture before and saying "how did a guy like that start talking to a pig like you?". More backstory here- my parents were sexually abusive [among MANY other things] , i remember being in elementary school and them having sex rugjt beside me almost every night and I didn't even know what was going on and would feel so scared, my mother would lock me in a room , strip and lunge at me and show me how she masterbated as a punishment when she got mad at me, both of them had started slut shaming me since I was 11, telling me what a whore I was for anything a wore, how I spoke, how I looked. Back to the main story. After that I started posting on reddit, not to grab attention at first but because it was the only place where a chubby girl wearing a skirt was acceptable. And from that came the comments and the dms.....getting sexualized by older men should've felt disgusting but it only felt good, not because I wanted to be sexualized bit atleast i was desirable in some way , at least somebody finnaly saw me as human. I started responding to the dms and from there I was groomed again but much worse this time by three other people throughout the next two years. After that I got addicted to the attention, they'd made me make a separate reddit tp post nudes and I did , I hated the kinda people who saw them and made the most horrible ass comments but atleast whenever things at home got to bad , I had a place to escape. Then I deleted it after a Lotta pain and guilt . But it wasn't over there , I was in a self harm sever on discord and there was this person I'd text, I saw him as a older brother, I genuinely did. And I cared so much , he was also mentally ill just like me. And I don't wanna explain much more about what happened with that just that I got kinda numb after that incident......

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I still get nightmares about it at night......the only was I feel safe now is if I imaging myself being hurt first then comforted cause that's what I've always known and I am disgusted with myself and all the dirty thoughts that come to my mind involuntarily. Whenever I look at my naked body i just remember the "sessions" and it's makes me wanna curl up and never get outta bed again. Honestly I keep it all hidden in the back of my mind usually but today it came up cause well a teacher from school has groomed a 9th grader and that has become a huge news, my mum was asking me about it.....not what happened but questions like "was she pretty? Was she oversmart? Was the teacher yiung?" , she even said that "teachers and students have always kinda gotten into affairs" and it's not just my mum tbh, the teachers didn't even get kicked out even after police came to the school and is still teaching while the gurl is apparently a "slut" now. All of this just makes me relaize that I'll probably forever feel disgusted with myself and not be able to tell anybody......

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So...for context I'm kitty, i was born in a third world country....where i got abused in every way possible since I was a toddler by my parents, it got overlooked due to how normalized it is.....I got severely traumatized and developed PTSD, deppression, anxiety, ED, SD, BPD so yeah....most days it's hard for me

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Anyways so these posts will be a countdown or dated till I'm gone. I'll just be talking about my feelings in these , no explanation. For context , check my profile i have another post there

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Anyways so ik super well that NOBODY is willing to help me , ik that. I have begged for help over and over and NOBODY is even willing to listen or give advice ig that's just my luck or people lacking empathy but that doesn't matter no more as I'll be gone anyway. This post is me tryna get some friends again or somebody who i can lean on. Home you're not younger than me as that makes me uncomfortable plus i don't wanna vent to kids

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So...for context I'm kitty, i was born in a third world country....where i got abused in every way possible since I was a toddler by my parents, it got overlooked due to how normalized it is.....I got severely traumatized and developed PTSD, deppression, anxiety, ED, SD, BPD so yeah....most days it's hard for me

Soo at first I thought the best way to get out was to just get into uni abroad and get a scholarship, yk it was such a beautiful glimmer of hope for me...........meant everything. Yk I thought they'd atleast lemme apply for scholarships......one nigjt that monster of a father even suddenly started talking to me about sending me and I was overjoyed.....later I just learned they were fucking and my mother had asked him to do talk to me to simmer me do2n in return for the sex....meant nothing more , I kept trying and trying but ultimately one day they cornered me and made sure to shout and hit enough that I understood this wasn't for me at all....and they wouldn't even lemme apply cause they didn't wanna pay for the food abroad and I have always been hated abd the problem child who couldn't do anything....never a matter. I have this person who really really wants to help me, he's even saving up money to move to to a diff country but then again as i saw hope they teared it down i realized that even if I ran away it'd didn't have the kinda money visa office needed to be shown plus they had all ky documents and passport and would not gimme any of it ever so that was done. I even considered staying in the next down to graduate but honestly......staying under her[mother] control for four more years in a trashy town with humidity, extreme pollution and dirt , plus being poor and just taking on more pressure for a third rate college..... it just doesn't seem worth it , and i couldn't eveb earn money through any kinda part time work as that doesn't exist here or even online as i don't even have a bank account and they won't lemme have one. If you're gonna think of suggesting "asking for help" or helplines, one those don't really exist in third world and two yet if you search them up with the name of the country then you'll find two numbers but they are just there as alibis for the government and don't have actually funds to help plus only speak in local dialects. I cannot set up any accounts like a go find me to raise money because eben that doesn't exist in third world.Yes I've thought about running away but in this country it'll only end me up in worse poverty and pollution prone life plus it's not like I'll get any human support here. There is NO helo for mental problems like SH, ED, personality disorders here, and no psychatric hospital either .There is no child protective services or foster care or any law against abuse over childer in their homes , unless you're getting raped on the streets their's so law against child abuse so yeah taht wont work. Then I got one chance to go to America....my dream....yk next year they're going and will take me with them , just for a trip...I'll end it there, afterall , all I wanted was to see and taste what life is like just once and I'll get that plus get to die in my dream country so I'm ending it on hat trip and that's my final decision, don't think i haven't tried before I took the decision Yes I've thought about running away but in this country it'll only end me up in worse poverty and pollution prone life plus it's not like I'll get any human support here. There is no child protective services or foster care or any law against abuse over childer in their homes , unless you're getting raped on the streets their's so law against child abuse so yeah taht wont work. And then even if i got out abd had money....well the money part is impossible then how'd i get a visa?? Cause i obviously can't afford college which is basically four years of more schooling as i do not have the money or the luxury to not start working at 18 and waste four more years and then end up in more debt. I already wrote about why there is no way to earn money atm , and even if I could the wages are 50 dollars a month and that'll NEVER save up enough to get me outta this mess and i don’t wanna live here , i CAN'T i physically can't tolerate this place and what it's doing to me any longer and i do NOT have the kinda money it takes to moves country to country, it's an insane amount and as i said there is NO WAY to earn that kinda money Then I got one chance to go to America....my dream....yk next year they're going and will take me with them , just for a trip...I'll end it there, afterall , all I wanted was to see and taste what life is like just once and I'll get that plus get to die in my dream country so I'm ending it on hat trip and that's my final decision, don't think i haven't tried before I took the decision Soo if you tell me to run away and report to cps when I am in the us, it isn't POSSIBLE. One i am illegal and a minor, have only a temporary visa and NO MONEY whatsoever and even my few meager documents are hoarded by my mother. I don't have enough proof of abuse to prove anything anf they'd send me back anyway because I'm not a CITIZEN, I'm a tourist. And if I get send back the abuse will get worse and yk the worst part?? I'll never be able to do a fight AT ALL cause my uncle is a green card holder and he's the one taking up and he'll IMMEDIATELY justify my mother and prove me a liar

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I have thought about running away when I'm in the US before but then I have realized all the things that can go wrong, a flight ticket isn't enough, it it was enough then I could escape now if I wanted to. Running away as an illegal person of colour, a minor girl and a person with no money can lead to the following

1. i hide out somewhere but ultimately end up getting raped or deported or have to be homeless as i have no money and no documentation [hoarded by parents] so no prospect of earning any.

2. i actually get to the cops and report but immediately get dismissed for being a tourist and also saying I'm okay during visa checks

3. they take me into consideration and actually make a case but I loose as my parents will give financial evidence and prove that I wasn't abused and that'll prove me a liar and subject me to way worst harm once I'm home maybe even getting killed by my father

4. i get sent off to a orphanage, a homeless shelter or an abusive foster home which are all equally horrifying to me cause even throughout everything i have my bed to go back to at nigjt and that might sound petty but it can mean alot to person with basically nothing and I'll loose that aswell and being homeless can lead to years of worse misery than I have always been in , i just can't be homesless

5. I stay here[home country] and go to a tier three college which firstly I wouldn't survive cause I'm already falling apart and I cant do 4 more years of this town then I'd have to struggle to get a job and I won't get one cause trust me NOBODY gets jobs in tbis country, education doesn't get you jobs not even skills do and then after that they might force me to marry and I end up like my mum.......I can't do that no matter what I can't.

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Idk what to do anymore , whether to end it on that trip or actually go to the police or keep looking for somebody to help...........

So i went to a catholic missionary school till 9th grade and honestly I've finnally realized the kinda propaganda Christianity spreads. And how much more of that I have been able to notice this past year after the republican party has won [I'm not american , just very invensted in world politics]. It just absolutely started to freak me out the day I had an argument with a Christan friend of mine, it's like nothing else matters to them except for their cult, ESPECIALLY the way they berate and humiliate people being queer and out entire community. The hate I have noticed from them towards hindus, Muslims, jews, atheist is insane and the way they literally push their religion onto people with the threat of eternal hell baffles me. How can a person's whole personality become their religious beliefs?? How can they just balantly sideline facts just to make people believe in their religion. I grew up in a Hindu propagandist family so yes I've experienced both sides of the coin and I must say [ I currently don't follow or an part of any religion at all] that all religion has done to atleast the people ik and have seen is blind their perspective of the world. Another thing that also genuinely annoys me is their beliefs , like they just tell a SUICIDAL person to "follow the lord" and claim that it'll instantly "save" them without even hearing out the person's struggles, they say shit like "why do the liberals want us women to believe that following our natural order and being a wife and a mother isn't enough??" And mind you, a 17 year old girl has said this after getting pregnant. It's honestly all very alarming.