u/_Swegasus

You probably haven’t noticed lately, but I’ve really liked your presence, and when I like someone a lot I tend to walk away.

I’m scared I will say or do something that will make you not like me anymore, so I make sure to not do anything at all. I keep a distance, I get quiet. I don’t want to, but it just happens.

I liked you since we first met and kept wondering how close we’d eventually get. Falling for you was the worst possible outcome. I’m over my head for you. I see so much in you, things you might not even have seen yourself. You are so immensely beautiful..

When you talk to me, when you stare at me, when you’re around me it’s as if the butterflies in my stomach are consuming me from within. I look at you and all I feel is affection.

If I was distant or quiet, I’m sorry. It’s because I’m so in love with you.

I could write a post about how I love pancakes and people will conclude that I hate waffles. And no I don’t hate waffles, I just prefer pancakes. Especially with blueberries. And no that doesn’t mean I hate raspberries.

I love my cat more than anything in the entire world. Her name is Maca and she is 3 years old as of now. Our family has a curse were we have a weak spot for adopting sick cats, and Maca is one of them.

Before her I had another cat named Coco. She meant everything to me as I got her as a gift when I turned 13. She passed away because of my mom when she was 9. I burried her 3 years ago and to this day I’m still grieving her death.

Every now and then I still dream about her. Most of those dreams are very hard to wake up from, because I always dream that she is going to die and I have to save her. Then I wake up and I just start crying because she isn’t here anymore and it feels like I failed to save her from the dream.

Thinking about Maca dying has been making me a bit hysterical. I’m scared something will happen to her when I’m not at home. I can’t sleep when she isn’t in the same room as me. I’m always afraid she will get stuck in the washingmachine or someone slamming the door behind them and my cat breaking her neck because she got caught in between.

I don’t know what to do but this feeling of powerlessness is eating me up.

Does this have anything to do with my account age maybe? Because that’s the only explanation I have for this. It has happened on a few different subreddits now and I don’t know what to do. I just want to write.

Remember how I was up in the clouds over this man for an entire year? How could I not. He has been so kind and caring. Just thinking about him gave me butterflies. His laugh and his jokes stuck in my mind, playing on repeat.

A week ago I just couldn’t take it anymore. I had to know if he felt the same, so I asked. We were sitting outside, having a deep conversation about relationships and love. I knew he was gonna reject me if I’d confess my feelings towards him, but something deep within me still had hope. How special I would feel if only he loved me just as much..

He said he enjoyed his single life and that he had no intention on dating anyone.

“Wouldn’t you want someone like me?” I asked.

He smiled at me, the same sweet look he gave me everyday, just to tell me no. He didn’t make me feel bad about asking, and that only made me appreciatie him more.

We laughed about it and after work we sat on the same train home and talked to eachother like nothing had happened, just like everyday.

Now I’ve got what I wanted. Closure. I also lost something I held so dear, namely the butterflies in my stomach I felt when I thought of him. Now I feel nothing.

This might not be the letter you wanted to receive from me. I don’t know how to tell you this without the possibility of ruining are relationship. “I’ve been loving you.”

As unhealty as that may be, it’s the truth. You’ll leave and I stay here, mourning the emptyness that used to be your presence. Just thinking about not being able to see you anymore breaks me in so many ways. It’s embarrassing to admit that the thought alone made me cry.

I’ve always adored you and hoped that you would notice. I wanted to tell you how perfect of a man you are. You are so different from the rest, and in all the right ways. Being in love with you made me feel like my life was worth living again.

I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear, but if I could do it all over, I would’ve looked for you when we were younger and would propose to you before time could seperate us.

I love you, and I’m sorry.

Loving you was the best part of my entire life, but then you ruined everything. Every memory we made got shattered because of your lies. I loved you more than anything in the world, but there is so little memory left that I’m starting to believe it was all in my head.

You’ve been my summers and my winters and without you I’m clueless on how to live. It’s like you cursed me.

Because of you I can never love anyone else. I look for you in every person I meet. Every day I live, every book I read, every song I play, ever flower I smell I think of you. I can never forget you, and it hurts so much to know you’ve already moved on.

I blame you for all the pain you put me through and I blame myself for ignoring all the problems just to hold what we had. I always tried to remember the love we shared at the beginning. I was pathetic and you were insane.

But even after all this.. I can never hate you. I still love you so much. You could have killed me and I wouldn’t have cared.

But please, don’t forget about me.