u/ammol123

a bit of a vent sorry. tw mentions of self harm/suicide

i 18f started on april 5th and ive so far lost 22 pounds (10kg) but it doesnt really feel like anything. i still look the same and my goal feels so far away (i cant really go to a gym rn because im waiting to see which university i'll go to, then i'll go to gym there). i started because i almost attempted, i started thinking of everything and i didnt want to die, i wanted to get better this time not worse. ive struggled with self harm for about 7 years and ive been fat all my life so i wanted to change.

im 6 weeks clean of sh, nail biting and emotional binging. but its all starting to come down on me. i have no coping mechanisms now, and im starting to think maybe going cold turkey on all 3 of these wasnt the best idea. i cant really go back to sh because it has gotten to a point where its life threatening, without going into too much detail the wound from april 5th is still healing and it gave me nerve damage. im not so sure on harm reduction and im scared to fall back into that relapse cycle again and spiraling. im scared i'll start using losing weight as a form of self harm too. ive caught myself multiple times fasting or eating less as punishment and i dont know what to do. i have no support system. i dont know where people get their encouragement from, i dont have any reason to keep going with this. it feels useless and im not seeing any progress.

its been the only constant in my life. over 7 years, ive cut to celebrate. ive cut to kill myself. ive cut because i felt like the best human thats ever lived. ive cut because i felt like less than nothing. ive burned myself while having the best relaxing smokes ever. its seen me in the highest of highs and lowest of lows, and even everything between that. its grown up with me. the entirety of me is tied to it. i feel like im betraying it by leaving it. it feels like im leaving myself. im 5 weeks clean but i dont feel real. a part of me is gone, and there's nothing there to fill it. it keeps calling to me but i ignore it, it feels like ignoring my child. a disgusting child but its still mine, something i have to care for. every scar it gave me is beautiful, but i hate it. i dont know what to do with it. i'll always see it with the corner of my eye, and i'll always keep running away from it. but i dont know why i run. i want to be a real person again

its been the only constant in my life. over 7 years, ive cut to celebrate. ive cut to kill myself. ive cut because i felt like the best human thats ever lived. ive cut because i felt like less than nothing. ive burned myself while having the best relaxing smokes ever. its seen me in the highest of highs and lowest of lows, and even everything between that. its grown up with me. the entirety of me is tied to it. i feel like im betraying it by leaving it. it feels like im leaving myself. im 5 weeks clean but i dont feel real. a part of me is gone, and there's nothing there to fill it. it keeps calling to me but i ignore it, it feels like ignoring my child. a disgusting child but its still mine, something i have to care for. every scar it gave me is beautiful, but i hate it. i dont know what to do with it. i'll always see it with the corner of my eye, and i'll always keep running away from it. but i dont know why i run. i want to be a real person again

hello all, i hope you're doing okay. before posting please read all the rules and their explanations (especially the first one, scabs are still fresh). the reason your post was removed will be because you broke one of the rules (if its for another reason we will tell you in a comment under your post)

and remember that we have a queue. we're only 3 mods so your post might take some time to get approved, no its not removed, its just under review

please do not message us asking what happened to your post. we will get to your post eventually and remove or approve it. only use mod mail for important matters

and please please if you see someone being mean or glorifying sh or break any rule in the comments of any post, report it. we cant check every comment everyday, so the report will help us get rid of these comments quickly. and dont report the posts themselves, every post goes through us first and we approved them so they are okay

thank you, have a nice day

mostly a vent but I would love if someone can help. tw mentions of self harm

(context I've been muslim my entire life) i probably have adhd and/or autism and I've genuinely never felt khushu in prayer EVER. I try so hard to concentrate but I just can't, it makes it feel like all my prayers are wrong and none of them count. it already sucks socially but to also not be able to get close to god is just messed up and I don't know what to do about it

another thing i struggled with as a kid (probably related to the autism) is self harm. the guilt I felt when I had relapsed and rolled up my sleeves for wudu just to see blood was crushing. I've struggled with it for a decade and it hasn't really gone away. I almost tried to killed myself on two separate occasions last month, the bigger wound is still healing, it needed stitches but i didnt go to a hospital (also if anyone knows how I can safely make wudu without the wound getting infected that would be great, its on my arm) I know it's haram but it has became an addiction. it feels like I'm so far gone I don't deserve forgiveness. I don't know what to do. I deserve to go to hell for what I've done to this body, for all the horrible things I said to it. I feel disgusting even trying to ask for forgiveness, to pray to him after I mangled the body he gave me. I feel lost and I don't know what to do. I'm 1 month clean but I still feel awful because I haven't really been praying.

i dont even know if they're that math rock but i fell in love with them recently. ive listened to pee and i loved them. looking for more! i would also love like classic math rock band recs, im still very new to the genre.

يمكن عشان انا هلا توجيهي 2008 بفكر هيك بس يعني مش شايفة ليش التوجيهي عنا اهم من الشغل والجامعة. يعني ضغط زيادة عالفاضي. ولو بديش لا طب ولا هندسة مش كثير بفرق معي المعدل, لسا مشعارفة شو بدي ادخل اصلا