u/asparagus_fern

Long story short, have been with a woman for going on 5 months. Both in our mid-30’s and looking to settle down. Really appreciate here but often find myself irritated that she keeps in such close contact with her ex.

They dated for 4 months or so about 4 years ago and have been friends ever since. They helped each other through loneliness and other mental health matters.

They mostly talk about career advice and sports, but do wonder if my girlfriend is keeping in such close contact with her ex because she feels bad that he struggles and that he doesn’t really have anyone else. If he’s in need of career advice so often, he should seek out a professional mentor. If he’s really struggling with mental health, therapist are plentiful.

They had sex very early on and have been hooking up here and there throughout the past 4 years, which makes me uncomfortable.

I’ve also got an ex girlfriend who I’d like to be friends with but with respectful distance and certainly not in daily contact with.

Main issues I’ve got with my girlfriend keeping in daily contact, sometimes 10-20 texts per day:

1.) I’ve noticed multiple text replies back and fourth nearly every single time while her and I are together. Seems like too much. I would not reply back and fourth so often, and definitely not 95% of the times we’re together. Feel a little deprioritized and disrespected, especially given that on many days we only have 1.5-2 hours or so of quality time. There were times where we’ve been on vacation and she sat there and replied to her ex for over 30 minutes while I sat there just waiting.

2.) My girlfriend has a tough healthcare job and is often concerned that she lacks the emotional capacity for our relationship. That said, it almost feels as though her being in close contact with her ex depletes already scarce emotional capacity which does not sit well with me at times. I’m all for her having friends, but if her and her ex talk about vulnerable, intimate things that would not be discussed had they not dated and gotten physical, I am concerned that her worrying about her ex and his life has her holding onto the past, takes too much of her already low (at times) emotional capacity, and that she may be worrying much for him. A lot of her advice to him seems to be stuff he needs to get help from someone else.

3.) I am more conservative than her when it comes to sex. Any ex that I’ve been physically intimate with will always be more than a friend if in contact. It’s been stated many times that her ex would try to get physical with her again if her and I were to ever break up. I do think it’s reasonable to ask her to respect my preferences with past sexual partners, especially given the fact that they’ve hooked up for years and that there’s a chance they’d hook up again in the event that she becomes single.

4.) I’d love for her to be friendly with her ex, but, ideally, in contact with less. I’d never text any ex back and fourth when my girlfriend and I were together. I’d prioritize her and our quality time.

I do trust my girlfriend 100% and do not feel threatened by her ex at all. I am, however, bothered and do feel a little disrespected at times. Be accepting her daily, sometimes hourly contact with her ex does not feel like a clear yes to me.

If my girlfriend were bothered by any contact I have with past sexual partners, I’d cut ties completed or at least really distance myself. I am all for my girlfriend making her own decisions but with all of the sex and intimate convos, all of that history, I do not feel comfortable and may begin to grow resentment.

I’d appreciate any input. Do I have a right to prefer that she distance herself from him? thanks!

Long story short, have been with a woman for going on 5 months. Both in our mid-30’s and looking to settle down. Really appreciate here but often find myself irritated that she keeps in such close contact with her ex.

They dated for 4 months or so about 4 years ago and have been friends ever since. They helped each other through loneliness and other mental health matters.

They mostly talk about career advice and sports, but do wonder if my girlfriend is keeping in such close contact with her ex because she feels bad that he struggles and that he doesn’t really have anyone else. If he’s in need of career advice so often, he should seek out a professional mentor. If he’s really struggling with mental health, therapist are plentiful.

They had sex very early on and have been hooking up here and there throughout the past 4 years, which makes me uncomfortable.

I’ve also got an ex girlfriend who I’d like to be friends with but with respectful distance and certainly not in daily contact with.

Main issues I’ve got with my girlfriend keeping in daily contact, sometimes 10-20 texts per day:

1.) I’ve noticed multiple text replies back and fourth nearly every single time while her and I are together. Seems like too much. I would not reply back and fourth so often, and definitely not 95% of the times we’re together. Feel a little deprioritized and disrespected, especially given that on many days we only have 1.5-2 hours or so of quality time. There were times where we’ve been on vacation and she sat there and replied to her ex for over 30 minutes while I sat there just waiting.

2.) My girlfriend has a tough healthcare job and is often concerned that she lacks the emotional capacity for our relationship. That said, it almost feels as though her being in close contact with her ex depletes already scarce emotional capacity which does not sit well with me at times. I’m all for her having friends, but if her and her ex talk about vulnerable, intimate things that would not be discussed had they not dated and gotten physical, I am concerned that her worrying about her ex and his life has her holding onto the past, takes too much of her already low (at times) emotional capacity, and that she may be worrying much for him. A lot of her advice to him seems to be stuff he needs to get help from someone else.

3.) I am more conservative than her when it comes to sex. Any ex that I’ve been physically intimate with will always be more than a friend if in contact. It’s been stated many times that her ex would try to get physical with her again if her and I were to ever break up. I do think it’s reasonable to ask her to respect my preferences with past sexual partners, especially given the fact that they’ve hooked up for years and that there’s a chance they’d hook up again in the event that she becomes single.

4.) I’d love for her to be friendly with her ex, but, ideally, in contact with less. I’d never text any ex back and fourth when my girlfriend and I were together. I’d prioritize her and our quality time.

I do trust my girlfriend 100% and do not feel threatened by her ex at all. I am, however, bothered and do feel a little disrespected at times. Be accepting her daily, sometimes hourly contact with her ex does not feel like a clear yes to me.

If my girlfriend were bothered by any contact I have with past sexual partners, I’d cut ties completed or at least really distance myself.

I’d appreciate any input. Do I have a right to prefer that she distance herself from him? thanks!

Long story short, have been with a woman for going on 5 months. Both in our mid-30’s and looking to settle down. Really appreciate here but often find myself irritated that she keeps in such close contact with her ex.

They dated for 4 months or so about 4 years ago and have been friends ever since. They helped each other through loneliness and other mental health matters.

They mostly talk about career advice and sports, but do wonder if my girlfriend is keeping in such close contact with her ex because she feels bad that he struggles and that he doesn’t really have anyone else. If he’s in need of career advice so often, he should seek out a professional mentor. If he’s really struggling with mental health, therapist are plentiful.

They had sex very early on and have been hooking up here and there throughout the past 4 years, which makes me uncomfortable.

I’ve also got an ex girlfriend who I’d like to be friends with but with respectful distance and certainly not in daily contact with.

Main issues I’ve got with my girlfriend keeping in daily contact, sometimes 10-20 texts per day:

1.) I’ve noticed multiple text replies back and fourth nearly every single time while her and I are together. Seems like too much. I would not reply back and fourth so often, and definitely not 95% of the times we’re together. Feel a little deprioritized and disrespected, especially given that on many days we only have 1.5-2 hours or so of quality time. There were times where we’ve been on vacation and she sat there and replied to her ex for over 30 minutes while I sat there just waiting.

2.) My girlfriend has a tough healthcare job and is often concerned that she lacks the emotional capacity for our relationship. That said, it almost feels as though her being in close contact with her ex depletes already scarce emotional capacity which does not sit well with me at times. I’m all for her having friends, but if her and her ex talk about vulnerable, intimate things that would not be discussed had they not dated and gotten physical, I am concerned that her worrying about her ex and his life has her holding onto the past, takes too much of her already low (at times) emotional capacity, and that she may be worrying much for him. A lot of her advice to him seems to be stuff he needs to get help from someone else.

3.) I am more conservative than her when it comes to sex. Any ex that I’ve been physically intimate with will always be more than a friend if in contact. It’s been stated many times that her ex would try to get physical with her again if her and I were to ever break up. I do think it’s reasonable to ask her to respect my preferences with past sexual partners, especially given the fact that they’ve hooked up for years and that there’s a chance they’d hook up again in the event that she becomes single.

4.) I’d love for her to be friendly with her ex, but, ideally, in contact with less. I’d never text any ex back and fourth when my girlfriend and I were together. I’d prioritize her and our quality time.

I do trust my girlfriend 100% and do not feel threatened by her ex at all. I am, however, bothered and do feel a little disrespected at times. Be accepting her daily, sometimes hourly contact with her ex does not feel like a clear yes to me.

If my girlfriend were bothered by any contact I have with past sexual partners, I’d cut ties completed or at least really distance myself.

I’d appreciate any input. Do I have a right to prefer that she distance herself from him? thanks!