u/c4tb0y_6

i got a new shirt today and i was so excited to wear it. it's an XL, so it's baggy enough out of the package. great !! so i throw on my binder after immediately opening it up, and adjust so that i'm flat enough. all fine, i've learnt how to flatten my chest properly so this isnt an issue. i throw on the shirt excited for it to be so baggy it hides my body and...it doesnt. it tightens at the waist. queue dysphoria. followed by frustration. followed by tears. i LOVE this shirt, but my waist is so curvy its practically molded itself to the shirt. plus im slightly on the chubbier side, and it's more noticable when i wear this shirt. fuck, i hate my body so much. i cant look masculine in any damn clothes unless they're like a 5 XL. it drives me fucking nuts. it makes me want to lose a shit ton of weight so i have a small waist. i feel so insecure and dysphoric rn, fuck.

sooo i have severe anxiety. like, oh god im catastophising over nothing again anxiety. and unfortunately this translates through my bowels. it always happens when i'm not at home and it's SUPER frustrating and embarassing. i mean, i'm the most anxious when i'm not at home, so of COURSE i'm gonna need to go IMMEDIATELY. its so humiliating :( i cant cope, its like if i want to go out i have to be open to the possibility that i will probably need to go very quickly. it makes me feel like i have to wear a fuckin nappy...like hellooo, im a grown ass adult. aaaaaa.

i really adore my partner. we’ve been long distance for a year and a half now. we’ve been through a lot together, there’s been ups and downs. long distance is terribly hard, as you all know. i’ve been struggling with it a lot lately. i just want to hug them and hold their hand and be near them. it’s really rough. but i feel stronger because of the distance, and i fall more and more in love with them every day. it’s like i could wait for them for years and i would be okay with it. they are my best friend and my rock, i couldn’t ask for a more wonderful person to be in my life. my love for them is so strong that the distance doesn’t usually bother me. but lately, i’ve just had this strong need to feel their touch. and god it’s so sad that we can’t even hug. it saddens me that i can only imagine it.

i’m really hoping i can see them in june, when they finish their assignments. i’ll get to hug them soon <3 i just know it.

i was at my voluntary job today just sorting hangers as normal and i suddenly had this feeling of impending doom and i suddenly realised " oh god no, not here, not right now " though to my unfortunate avail, anxiety took over once again. my boss was out back and i was desperately trying to keep it together, my eyes were welling up with tears, my heart was racing, i felt lightheaded, thought i was going to pass out. but in my head i was just like " nope nope nope. just keep working. keep busy. now is not the time to feel anxious ". at some point i was like okay, just sit down for a second, sip some water, breathe. and so, i did. and i felt a lot better afterwards. but i was emotionally and physically drained and wasnt preforming as well with my tasks and i just felt so awful and so embarassed that the most minor tasks were giving me a full blown anxiety attack. anxiety takes the smallest things and torments you. this is the most difficult disorder i have to deal with. i cant even go outside without anxiety and panic setting in, it's so so hard. i really hope i overcome this someday. i hope all of us who deal with this shit do.

IM GOING CRAZY, this is horrible. the scraping sounds coming from my fans are absolutely obnoxious and make me irrationally angry, it’s grinding and constant and it pisses me off. when i checked task manager, i saw that there were 101 background processes open. fucking 101. while it’s possible that about 10-20 of those processes are from programmes i manually installed on my computer, the rest of them are stupid background processes that you physically cannot close, you just aren’t allowed to. my computer gets ridiculously hot when idle, the fan doesn’t stop for like twenty minutes and then only stops for about 5-10 minutes before it kicks off again. i detest this laptop. i am never buying from dell ever again