i've been seeing a ton of videos and photos, especially of the toronto show. i've been to three shows and each time he asked people not to film or take photos, so i was wondering if that still the case and peoples were disrespecting his wishes, or if he just retired it this time
With so much of magic relying on faith and certainty that your work will grant you your needs and desires, sometimes I feel like the two are completely incompatible. My OCD can focus on many themes but a frequented one is spirituality and magic. I have it in my head that all of my spells will cause catastrophe, even though that was not my mindset going in and i've done as much research and introspection as possible before doing any magic.
I always hear that in order for a spell to really work, you have to not doubt it. But that's a monumental ask for me. I doubt and overthink EVERYTHING. Always thinking that some small mundane action like for example, turning the volume down a notch, from 22 to 21, will cause a disruption in things like my relationship. That the way I worded my spell came off too uncertain, so resaying and rewording it over and over until I feel it's coming from a place of confidence, that what I'm saying is something I believe will happen/is happening.
Sometimes I worry that I should just stop altogether. I love witchcraft and I love my craft, and during the times where I'm not eaten alive by anxiety, it's so beneficial to me in every way. But when the OCD gets bad again, it makes me hate anything to do with magic.
Anyone else struggling in a similar manner? Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you for listening
i think everyone is pretty so what i mean is people who embody everything i wish i was.
i have a new coworker and i can't stand being around her. she's so pretty and nice, and what's worse is i work with my boyfriend, so all i can think is that he's going to leave me for her. i can barely stomach the idea of it. i keep telling myself that i just have to trust my boyfriend when he says he loves me and only me, but i guess it's only natural to see someone who's so much better and wish you were with them instead.
how can i ease this anxiety? how can i meaningfully trust my partner?
most of the time i genuinely don't know. but i can't say that. if i say good then im lying. i want to say bad, because thats the truth, but then im asked why, and i cant explain that its not that theres anything going badly in my life right now, im just constantly ruminating and being consumed by my trauma.
edit: i wanted to add on that i think another reason i hate it is because no one who asks actually wants to know, its only asked a casual greeting, and i really want my suffering to be acknowledged. i want to stop pretending im fine or whatever you know?
for as far back as i can remember, my brain just talks to itself i guess? i'll hear sentences or parts of sentences that i didn't think of, but seem to be emotionally charged or at least said with intention. its like im unintentionally listening in on something im not supposed to be hearing. i've always had a lot of internal division in my identity. always thought of myself as multiple. it's only recently occurred to me that this experience could be related to dissociation.
to be transparent, i'm not diagnosed with anything other than CPTSD , but i've been researching trauma and dissociative disorders since 2018, and have enough reason to believe it's not impossible for me to have one. i'm not claiming to have OSDD. i only post this here because i wonder if this phenomena is something folks who DO have OSDD experience and consider a symptom, or if it's just a weird brain thing that happens to everyone. sorry if i'm invading or anything
can you forget a traumatic event entirely, with not even a clue that it happened for your entire life?
last summer, something really fucking weird happened in my brain. for the half a year before this experience, i had a feeling that something horrible had happened to me in my childhood but i was forgetting it completely. i had been trying to remember it because it felt important, and i was really desperate for validation for the suffering ive gone through my whole life. i can remember other traumas, decently well, but they dont feel like they alone are what's caused this ("this" being my life long struggle with intense fear, shame, self hatred, dissociation, depression etc).
one night, after i had been ruminating on it all day, my brain kind of broke for lack of better words, and after a lot of arguing in my head, i heard the words, >!"you were raped by your uncle."!< immediately, i felt raw and exposed, my heart was pounding the hardest it ever had, there was a burning sensation down there, but also in my ears? it was by far the scariest mental health related experience ive ever had. i get panic attacks regularly but this still felt different and a million times worse. it genuinely felt like my brain broke, like all the dissociative barriers that were keeping me safe my whole life all fell down.
as awful as i felt, it finally felt like everything made sense. like it was the last puzzle piece. but before this i NEVER in a million years would've considered early childhood CSA to be in my history. it makes a lot of my behavior make sense, sure, but that doesn't mean it happened. especially because i still don't have any memory of this supposed CSA. only really horrible physical experiences that somehow feel related but again, no memory, so maybe my body is just being weird. i do experience intrusive thoughts but they also feel separate from this. they feel intentionally thought and decently easy to ignore.
is it really possible to forget something like that completely? is this just a really intense intrusive thought? or is it really indicative of something worse? have any other CSA victims had an experiences similar? has anyone who hasn't been a victim of CSA experienced anything similar? sorry for the really long post thank you for reading it if you did
I'm so far beyond exhausted. I need a break. I'm at a point where my CPTSD is affecting everything i am and do. I'm having constant flashbacks on shift sometimes somatic and it's really scary, heavily dissociating almost the entire time, forgetting how to do basic tasks, I break down in tears at least once a day. I've thought extensively about hanging myself in the back room, or using the box cutters, or running into the highway nearby. I can't keep doing this. I'm technically part time, and I've asked my manager to lessen my hours even just to 30 and she's really kind and understanding and said she would but hasn't, I asked 3 months ago. i can't even begin to consider SSI or SSDI, both pay a laughable amount of money. I even like my job! I just cant. I hate going. Every time the schedule get posted i breakdown.
am i just being over dramatic?
Moreso asking if other people feel their trauma influenced the development of their OCD, because due to my themes and history, i'm fairly certain it's what caused mine.
I feel like OCD is my brains attempt at control when I was in a completely unpredictable environment. One of my main themes revolves around the sudden death and illness of my loved ones or myself. My father having a stroke and dying over the course of 6 months when i was 2-3, and then my stepfather having a heart attack that almost killed him at age 7 seems to be a pretty likely contributor. That, on top of being in an environment that could go from completely calm to violent within seconds, it's hard not to feel like without that history, my brain wouldn't have developed OCD as a coping method.
i have been in counseling, therapy and psychiatry since i was 12 and have cycled through more than a dozen professionals.
i used to need months to build trust before i could actually open up, but with having to start over so many times, i can give someone a generalized rundown of my history, mental state, and concerns within the first session.
i just got a new psychiatrist because im desperate for a professional opinion on what is going on with me. i know i have CPTSD, but theres a lot of symptoms that dont feel fully explained by that diagnosis, and line up more with OSDD/DID experiences. i just want to get evaluated for it. the first session was just a bunch of questions, it ended with her prescribing lamotrigine.
i have a second appointment coming up and am considering just flat out asking for an evaluation. is that weird though? would she take me seriously? or would i just be written off because im asking for it? what words would i use to even bring it up?
thanks to the person who pointed it out btw ily
i never really considered that there's a chance not everyone talks to themself this way until recently. i'm always in conversation with myself. sometimes out loud. i don't have one train of thought, it's a bunch of different thought streams, along with a bunch of different reactions.
additionally? my brain just cannot say "i" statements. it's always "you". so if im really stressed and trying to calm myself down, instead of saying "im okay, im safe" it's "you are okay, you are safe". same goes for hateful statements.
it's really frustrating because i truly do not know what i stand for, what i agree with, what my "true" self is. in any given situation i have so many wildly different responses, which one is "real"?
I have enough reason to believe it's not impossible for me to have some sort of dissociative disorder. I am looking to get evaluated but understand that process typically takes years and years. Until I'm told what is actually going on, is it healthy to interact with my parts? I'm terrified of suggestibility and imitative symptoms, I don't want to make myself think I have these disorders when it's actually something else.
i'm stuck in the same thought loops 24/7. i'm DEATHLY afraid of my partner leaving me, cheating on me, lying to me about loving me. i try to go to them for reassurance, but i sooner act as if these things were already true. by the time my partner asks me what's wrong, because im visibly upset, i tell them how i don't know how im supposed to handle having to break up EVEN THOUGH NOTHING INDICATED THAT AT ALL, I JUST CONVINCED MYSELF ITS ALRESDY HAPPENED. when they try to reassure me, it just hits a brick wall, i can't absorb any comfort because im convinced through and through that my fears are reality.
i know that it has to be draining as all fuck to reassure me over the same non existent problem multiple times a day. i try so hard to pull myself out of these spirals but seldomly does it work. what can i do to start believing in my partners reassurance? or what are some good methods to shut down these spirals before they become unmanageable? thank you
with the butterfly tea having to stay in the fridge when not in use, the horchata being 14 days even though last year it was the usual 30, along with the GCE being 14 days, it just feels like they're being confusing on purpose. and those are just examples i can think of right now i KNOW there's more. i could also bring up the changes with chai and matcha. it really just feels like they're trying to make our jobs as hard as possible
i've used better [artisan goods, foraging etc], dshi and vanilla tweaks but i'm wondering if there are any others? any style really i just like changing things up everyone now and again. thank you!!