u/feistyxcx

In Bushwick preferred, but I'll travel off the L, J/Z or M if needed!

If it matters, I need a pair shortened and a couple taken in at the waist

I started last week. She told me the schedule would be 10-2, and I told her I would plan work around that. The son does not have school or a job, and we're supposed to be volunteering to build his resume. Last week, it was at his mom's workplace.

An old client asked me to babysit starting 2 PM. I literally do have to have another job, and I think it's crazy to expect me to plan for every possible schedule... like, if I already had this afterschool gig, would she not have hired me?

here's a summary of our texts:

me: could we start at 8:30 or 9 instead of 10? I have another opportunity for afterschool care from 2 to 4. your son is my priority, so if you think it isnt feasible I can decline

her: we don't have a sense of what the schedule is going to be at different volunteering sites

me: well, it doesn't make sense for me to plan around a schedule we don't know. I need another source of income, so I can't keep the entirety of every weekday free for every possible option. a solid 4 hours in the morning should work for most sites.

she hasn't responded, it's been about 2 hours. if she had any other reason for saying no, like that's too early for her son to wake up etc, or she needs me to be more flexible in case it runs to 2:30 etc, I'd be fine. Her expectation for me to block out all my time for her son really rubs me the wrong way, it feels like asking way too much.

I think I might have fucked up by saying that her son is my priority, but I just meant that I won't be quitting in favor of the other gig, which would add 10 hours to my existing 20 hour schedule.

How do people suggest moving forward from here? I think it would be unkind to say change the hours or I quit, and that would be silly when the only other option I have is even less hours.

The question, paraphrased: a student tells you their religious leader taught them there are only two genders and asks why they should listen to your lesson. how do you respond? *Note, this is a BIPOC student program*

I'm thinking this, but wonder if it is too wishy-washy or indirect:

I would first thank them for being honest and vulnerable, since I understand it is difficult to express a view contrary to what others in the room believe. I'd ask other students if anyone has a similar experience, and make sure that students who respond are genuinely sharing a similar experience, not expressing their disagreement.
I'd want us to digest the idea people can have different ideas based on their beliefs without disrespecting or harming others based on those beliefs. I'd emphasize the importance of discussing ideas, not the people or communities who express them. Many people are not simply one of two genders, and they deserve the dignity of recognition, not invalidation. It is possible to express solidarity with gender non-conforming people without directly criticizing religious beliefs. It can even be possible to respect gender non-conforming individuals while holding those beliefs. Just like we try to understand and respect religions besides our own to strengthen our multicultural communities, we can respect other people's gender identities.
I think many BIPOC or immigrant students experience hyper-visibility around their communities, particularly when it comes to stereotypes about intolerance or incompatibility with liberal values. I do not want a discussion like this to activate that kind of racial trauma with a strong critique of a BIPOC students' community.

I know this is typically not worth it since the person may not believe me and it could trigger retaliation... but here are my reasons:

- he has a pattern of exclusively dating Black and brown women (he is white), but he turned out to be frighteningly racist and called me slurs (including n-word). New partner is Black.

- i moved away from the city he lives in, any mutuals we still have are aware of the abuse and no longer speak to him. It would be triggering if he contacted me, of course, but I believe I can easily shut it down if he does

-he did not physically hurt me or SA me, but he pushed physical boundaries a lot in a way that seems like he might have been trying to desensitize me to physical violation

-he did not directly hurt me, physically, but he did endanger me by driving drunk

-his drinking got worse after our relationship ended, and eventually a mutual told me that he was serially harassing women while drunk. I had actually stopped talking to this person bc of my ex, she eventually reached out bc of these incidents, realizing that he had lied a lot about our breakup

-I think I'm mentally prepared for a negative outcome... I am quite sure she won't believe me, but if it gets bad, I hope she will remember this information and realize what's going on sooner, rather than doubt herself like i did.

I know this is typically not worth it since the person may not believe me and it could trigger retaliation... but here are my reasons:

- he has a pattern of exclusively dating Black and brown women (he is white), but he turned out to be frighteningly racist and called me slurs (including n-word). New partner is Black.

- i moved away from the city he lives in, any mutuals we still have are aware of the abuse and no longer speak to him. It would be triggering if he contacted me, of course, but I believe I can easily shut it down if he does

-he did not physically hurt me or SA me, but he pushed physical boundaries a lot in a way that seems like he might have been trying to desensitize me to physical violation

-he did not directly hurt me, physically, but he did endanger me by driving drunk

-his drinking got worse after our relationship ended, and eventually a mutual told me that he was serially harassing women while drunk. I had actually stopped talking to this person bc of my ex, she eventually reached out bc of these incidents, realizing that he had lied a lot about our breakup

-I think I'm mentally prepared for a negative outcome... I am quite sure she won't believe me, but if it gets bad, I hope she will remember this information and realize what's going on sooner, rather than doubt herself like i did.

I'm 30 and starting topical 5% because of hair loss due to my hormonal hair loss (don't want to get into details, I know my options and minoxidil is the best solution for me).

I have very fine, shoulder length straight hair and the thinning is all around my hairline and crown. I know there will be some accelerated hair loss the first month or so. I'm getting married in October. I'm scared starting the treatment now will mean my hair will look even thinner at my wedding.

Is the shedding signifigant enough to visibly thin my hair? People who have experienced it, was it bad even two months after starting? Should I reconsider starting the application until after my wedding?

Hi!

I'm a woman, 30 and starting topical 5% because of hair loss due to my hormonal things I won't get into.

I have very fine, shoulder length straight hair and the thinning is all around my hairline and crown. I know there will be some accelerated hair loss the first month or so. I'm getting married in October. I'm aware I won't have positive results by then anyway, but I'm scared starting the treatment now will mean my hair will look even thinner at my wedding.

Is the shedding signifigant enough to visibly thin my hair? People who have experienced it, was it bad even two months after starting? Should I reconsider starting the application until after my wedding?

update, 10 min after original post: just saw/heard a bunch of fireworks, kinda south east of maria hernandez.

Like a big boom, but no way it was fireworks or thunder due to the pitch. It lasted <1 second, about 3 minutes ago. I'm looking out my window near Myrtle Wyckoff and people look pretty calm.

My nex would talk about her most recent ex (alledgedly i was the first relationship after 3 years lol)...i complimented this beanie she wore a lot and she said it was his. She had it and didnt return it after the breakup and i asked why she would keep it since the ex cheated (this is confirmed, not made up, but also I can imagine why now). She said it feels like revenge, and at the time I kinda just felt pity, thinking it was a trauma thing.

I briefly unblocked her and looked at her sm after 2 years NC (I got triggered big time). In more than half of the pictures she's posted w the new partner, she is wearing a sweatshirt of mine i gave her bc she found it comfy. It's like she's a serial killer with a collection of skulls or something. She also refused to return an umbrella i left at her place after we split, but at the time I figured it was just lack of consideration/trying to front that she can't be bothered.

It is kinda deranged... ya I have kept a few gifts from exes but were positive relationships and I'm still on good terms with them. So the perverseness and weirdness checks out, but I kinda got the impression she did everything humanly impossible to erase every trace of me. I am not going to assume the pics are for me, I am through analyzing whether she ever thinks of me etc. I know nothing is ever truly about me with her. From a distant perspective, the behavior is kinda weird and I am curious.

I (NB, 30, middle child) am very much the black sheep and scapegoat. My dad and one sibling do not participate in it, but enable it even as they privately acknowledge it's happening.

Right now, we're on a family vacation and it's stacking up how. If I am interested in doing something or going somewhere, it's disregarded. I am constantly ignored or interrupted at meals or times everyone is talking. One of my siblings has been physically and emotionally abusive to me all my life, and it's always her way or the highway. Like, she is so inconsiderate that when I was on tramadol for chronic illness flare up during my last trip "home" she refused to cancel dinner reservations (in a city she lives in and I don't) so my options were to be home alone in pain while everyone went out or to make myself sit in a restaurant when I could barely walk. Then, when I feel hurt and slip away to be by myself, the narrative is like "[me] isn't interested in family time."

I mentioned the interruption thing to my sibling who isn't awful to me and she said it's true but that I shouldn't take it personally. Apparently it happens because i tell long stories or talk about things people aren't interested in. It's really embarrassing that I'm literally 30 and her response hurt my feelings so much I'm in bed crying. Granted, I'm AFAB and on my period so it takes less to make me cry this time of month.

Whenever there is a trip like this my therapist asks me why I agree to go along and I say I keep hoping it is going to be different because I so badly want it to be. It hurts so bad to hear my mum say she misses me and can't wait to see me for weeks leading up and then when we're together I feel invisible. Does anyone have advice on how I can make myself not care so much so I can still be kinda present without every micro rejection feeling like a gut punch?

​

Edit for offended men and offended white people. I literally never said that the shitty behavior was CONSCIOUSLY motivated by my race or my gender. I just pointed out that it lands differently when certain power dynamics exist in an interaction where one person invades another person's personal space and personally attacks them. Yikes! If you want us to stop being afraid of you, stop making us afraid of you and getting pissed off when we mention that we are.

You approached me in my personal space at least ten minutes after I walked away from a station, saying I had "bad energy." I was uncomfortable and ignored you, but you refused to step back and insisted I "knew what you were talking about." When I was discussing this with the manager later, you interrupted our conversation and I left because I was genuinely freaked out. I only learned later from the manager that you were upset because I nearly brushed you with a 30 lb barbell while walking away from an irritating interaction with two other people.

I later ran into those two people during cool-down, and they were confused when I said sorry; they had to be reminded of the incident because it wasn't a big deal. Yes, nearly hitting you with the barbell was a big deal, and I am genuinely sorry for that. Instead of being direct, you led with "I saw what happened with those two..." and made a cryptic personal attack with no reference to what you were upset about. Talk about bad energy!

I am an AFAB person of color, a survivor of gendered and racialized violence, and you are a large white man. When someone invades my personal space with vague, judgmental comments, , pressing on when I am clearly uncomfortable... it's menacing. Had you spoken plainly and with less vitriol, I would have immediately apologized. Instead, a full 10 minutes later, I had to step back during my front raises to avoid hitting your face with a dumbbell because you got so in my face. I went to the manager because my hands were literally shaking after you did that.

I am truly sorry for being careless with the barbell– lesson learned! Here's one for you: respect others' space when they are clearly uncomfortable. I do not think you would have spoken to me this way if I were white or a man...and personally, on the many occasions I have to dodge flying weights or bodies in a crowded PF, I roll my eyes and move on with my life.

This acquaintance (bro of toxic ex) sent me a slew of racial slurs on DM before blocking me. In my distress, I deleted the chat before I had a chance to block him. I have tried the "tag in a comment" trick and then click the profile name and it didn't work. I really do not want him to have a chance to do this again. Can anyone advise?

Three years ago I dated a man for a few months. Looking back, there were clear red flags I brushed off...moments of sadistic behavior and implicit racism toward me (I'm not white, he is). He broke up with me during an incredibly difficult time: my roommate had left me with her share of rent, her belongings, and a room full of waste, while I was doing all the cleaning and suffering asthma attacks. The breakup was abrupt, then he apologized for being an asshole, kissed me when we met to exchange belongings and kept in touch w me over text for a few weeks.

I am a very clean person, but I struggle with clutter because of ADHD and all the stress and burden of cleaning the common areas led to my room being messy (not dirty). Despite this, he told me "You got to do something about this mess, I'm too old to live in filth." This is ironic, bc he is only four years older than me and his own bathroom always smelled like piss and was covered in scum and he once put dirty socks on my dining table. Also, it was my room in my apartment and we were dating for like 6 months, he didn't have to "live" in my space.

His friends were suspiciously over-invested in me from the start and I spent a lot of time with them. They showed up to my art show like a month after I met them. My ex had told his parents all about me before mine even knew who he was. We started dating four months after I moved to a new city for grad school, I didn't vibe with most of the people in my program, so our social lives became really intertwined. He and his roommate pressured me into spending $300 on tattoo supplies to do stick and pokes for a pride party (the roommate and I are both bi), then after the breakup inserted herself into it, claiming I should feel comfortable discussing it with her. Eventually I got a text from my ex accusing me of going behind his back and harassing the roommate who literally told me "fuck him, you're my friend and you should feel comfortable getting into this with me." She did not respond to the two messages I sent her after that (which were civil, a bit apologetic, honest but not accusatory). He blocked me on everything and according to his brother, told others I was crazy, stalking and obsessing over him, even though I made no attempts to contact him after he got weird about his friend talking to me. Being new to the city and suddenly losing that whole social world made it really hard. His brother got involved too, badmouthing him a ton and I was too vulnerable to realize the brother's intentions were also far from pure. He did tell me a lot of stuff I didn't know about my ex, including the fact that he allegedly exclusively dates BIPOC because he fetishizes them. I don't know how much of this all is true, but I do know that the man was horrible to me and went from acting like my culture and accent and religion (I grew up in a different country) to making fun of it. I know that he acted pretty sympathetic about the roommate thing but then acted like it was all my fault.

I thought I was over it. I'm now engaged to a wonderful person and genuinely hadn't thought about my ex for like two years, and I moved back to my city less than a year after the breakup. About a month ago, I saw someone at a concert who looked like him and spiraled into checking his social media (via incognito mode, bc blocked). He has a new BIPOC partner, and they now live in my city. He went to college here years ago and we haven't had any contact etc so I think it's just a coincidence that he's moved here. Over a few sessions with my therapist, she told me all of this sounds like narcissistic abuse. There are a lot of incidents we discussed that are actually much more severe than I thought they were at the time.

Rationally, I know I'm the better person, morally. I am also more educated, more accomplished, no drinking problem etc. But I'm still beating myself up for not being at my best during that relationship, ashamed of how his friends might remember me, and paranoid about running into him. I'm second-guessing how i dealt with my roommate and I've started frantically cleaning before my partner gets home. I'm not jealous of his new relationship so much as angry...I had this quiet fantasy of him being alone forever because I think he's a cruel, arrogant and bitter person...and finding out he isn't has dredged everything back up. I'm not resentful of his current partner, and have no desire to reach out to her, but I'm also hoping she'll catch onto him and end it. I've literally never met her, don't know her name and this ex is someone I dated briefly and have had no contact with since the summer of 2023. I know his assessment of me wasn't true. But my heart and brain are hurting a lot.