u/forgot_again123

I had a friend growing up who had DID and I found it kind of disturbing/traumatic. Everyone always talks about parts work and how helpful it is for my types of issues, but it creeps me out because it feels like I’m being asked to fracture myself. Personifying different parts of myself feels way too much like inviting myself to develop DID. I get freaked out and start to feel like I’m not really myself and start losing my sense of identity when practitioners have tried to use this framework with me. I even get creeped out when I see other people talk about it because it just sounds like they have DID. I feel so disappointed because I see so many success stories with it.

I’ve had this happen with riboflavin and b complex vitamins as well. I took 1/4 of a thiamine hcl pill from NOW. My b1 and b2 are both slightly deficient and I want to start taking zinc and read I should add those first. I have ME, POTS, etc.

Any time I take a b vitamin, I feel like I’ve overdosed on caffeine, jittery, on edge, heart racing, tinnitus, and a horrible sickly headache.

I’m very discouraged. Feels like B vitamins are the foundation of all supplement stacks but I’m honestly just scared to keep trying, especially with the stories I read on here. I was doing better lately and now I feel like crap cause of this tiny quarter of a pill it’s just so frustrating. I already take magnesium and my levels of that are good so that’s not the problem. I’m just so bummed.

How does one square this with belief in the nervous system approach? I hear so often that it is crucial to fill your life with joy, to heal your trauma, to live healthily, to stop constantly trying to “fix” yourself. But the people I’ve encountered who embody this the most…still have CFS. I’ve met people who live very happy fulfilled lives within their limitations, who are the absolute most zen and even wise seeming people I’ve ever met. And yet they still have CFS. It kind of makes me doubt tbh 😩 I mean of course achieving happiness would still be a better outcome, so it’s no reason to stop regulating, but honestly, it seems like a lot of these people found serenity and peace by giving up chasing recovery and processing long term acceptance of their limitations instead. These people are a thousand times braver than me, because I’ve never been able to face the prospect of doing that. It just seems almost delusional for me to try to believe that these people, who are clearly so much more emotionally healthy than me, could somehow be* *more dysregulated than me. It doesn’t make sense to me and I’m struggling with that.

Every few months I(23f) learn of a new one, and it’s started to make me realize how bad it really was. As a kid, I remember I was just so annoyed by her(20f) all the time. But not even for things she could help. I don’t think I ever realized how what I was saying affected her. But my sister has so many stories of times where the judgmental stuff I said gave her these deep-seated insecurities that she still has today. How she’d be embarrassed and ashamed because of things I pointed out about how she acted (never how she looked, because I think we’d all been taught very well not to judge people that way). And what’s worse is I don’t even remember saying them, like these things that were so flippant and thoughtless on my end but significantly impacted her. I think a lot of her problems were probably my fault and I was just oblivious and doing all this damage and being cruel and judgmental. I think that I never really thought of her as my younger sister, I thought of her as just my sibling, and so I didn’t consider how I was shaping her because when she said mean things to me, it didn’t affect me, I just thought oh well, she’s being dumb. But when I said mean things to her, she actually took them to heart, because I was older. I actually remember one time my dad sat me down and explained this to me and I think that’s when I started making an effort not to act that way. I remember I got super defensive but I think that’s when I started checking myself more (around age 15).

She seems to have no problem with me now, we a talk most nights, sometimes about deep stuff, but she mentions these things casually because they come up when we’re having deep discussions about our life experiences and I just feel so utterly awful. Like that there must be something so extremely wrong with me that I could cause so much harm to someone. I feel disgusted with myself, like I’m a fundamentally bad person. My sister is one of my favorite people and I’d want to beat up anyone who bullied her…but it turns out that was me. I guess I’m just wondering how you are supposed to process learning that you were a bully to someone when you didn’t realize you were. I was never mean to anyone else as far as I know, but I don’t think that even makes it any better, it almost makes it worse, like that she alone received my ire. I’m just so disgusted with myself. Especially because I remember. I remember not fully being able to understand her as a whole person until we got older. I’m not really sure why. We were very different and I hated not being the baby anymore. I don’t know. There’s this horrible video, like literally the only video of us when she was a baby, and it’s 3 year old me complaining that I can smell that she needs her diaper changed and therefore can’t eat my dinner, very very unhappy about it, whining about it incessantly with this look of utter disgust. And I guess I just kind of kept viewing her that way until she was like 12.

I have a conundrum and I’m wondering if anyone has faced something similar

I seem to be allergic to something in my bedroom. The air feels stuffy and I get red eyes and itchy skin sometimes. I have some mitigation for dust mites, checked for mold, everything in my power. I have an air purifier and a dehumidifier which I run when I’m not in the room, but I can’t handle the noise when I’m in here. Sometimes I’m bedridden, but the moment I have the energy, I always get out of my room because it feels like the right thing to do.

But the problem about that is, that it’s taking all my energy. Because then I park on the couch, but I have to walk to go to the kitchen anytime I want food. I end up spending every ounce of energy just on getting out there, and getting food.

I was thinking that if I had a little food set up on my bedroom desk, I could chill in here and keep my energy for other things to improve my quality of life. But that would go against my attempts to spend as little time as possible in here. I have this sort of ingrained feeling at this point that this room is bad for me, so I feel uneasy. So I’m just completely unsure what to do. I don’t know which is more important, pacing, or toxin/allergen avoidance. Kind of similar dilemma with the food itself, since shelf stable food tends to be more unhealthy (minifridge not an option due to severe sound sensitivity)

NOTE* I have done everything within my power to address what might be causing my room problems. There are no pipe leaks, no visable mold, I have dust mites covers, I wash my sheets as often as physically possible, and as I said I run the air machines. I’m not looking for advice on how to fix whatever the feeling is in my room. I’ve done everything. Just curious how others might weigh the options

I keep seeing her in stock at stores, but with no option for delivery. There are no Walmarts in my city and I don’t drive 😣 she’s the one I really want and I hate the idea of paying a scalper

I used to journal a lot when I was younger. Now I make posts on Reddit. I’m writing about the same kinds of things, but now I just post them to some forum instead of writing a journal. I’ve been trying to better my life, and heal my nervous system, and everyone always recommends journaling. I’m assuming that these venting Reddit posts probably somehow cancel out whatever benefits there are of the journaling, but what I’m struggling with is exactly why/how. I never get bullied for what I post, it’s always either no replies at all, or sympathy/empathy. It feels like chronic Reddit posting is something decidedly unhealthy, and journaling is decidedly healthy, but the text I’m writing writing is the same either way, it’s just whether or not I hit post. I’m wondering if anyone has any insights into how these might be psychologically different and how it could impact the mental health benefits one way or the other. Hopefully this is an okay sub to ask this in.

I used to journal a lot when I was younger. Now I make posts on Reddit. I’m writing about the same kinds of things, but now I just post them to some forum instead of writing a journal. I’ve been trying to better my life, and heal my nervous system, and everyone always recommends journaling. I’m assuming that these venting Reddit posts probably somehow cancel out whatever benefits there are of the journaling, but what I’m struggling with is exactly why/how. It feels like chronic Reddit posting is something decidedly unhealthy, and journaling is decidedly healthy, but the text I’m writing writing is the same either way, it’s just whether or not I hit post. I’m wondering if anyone has any insights into how these might be psychologically different and how it could impact the mental health benefits one way or the other. Hopefully this is an okay sub to ask this in.

Anytime I post in a subreddit that is for women, about anything I’m having a hard time with or about my feelings, I get downvoted. And sometimes bullied in the comments. Even on subs that seem so supportive and kind to other people. When I post the same things in non-gendered subs, it doesn’t happen. It’s started to make me feel like I’m in high school again. Having my femininity systematically denied and being made out to be some weird freak. It’s making me feel disgusted with myself like there is something fundamentally wrong with me and I’m disgusting. And I can’t even figure out why because to me they seem like normal posts, the same as anything else, but apparently there is something about me that makes them need to shame me. I’m positing here because it feels like my last chance to learn if there are women who won’t hate me since maybe others have experienced similar if you are also autistic.

I’m having so much trouble being in my early 20s and not dating. I had just really gotten out of my shell when I got sick, it just sucks. But I’m homebound and mostly can’t do anything or see people much. Besides my family who I’m used to. Sometimes I have little “flings” with people online, just dumb spicy chats, half the time I’m not even that into it but I just crave the connection.

I’ve thought about how the ideal person to have some kind of relationship might be someone in a similar situation? Someone else who also needs very slow paced, mostly or all online, gentle activities. There wouldn’t be such a sacrifice on one partner’s end if the needs were the same.

In the other hand, twice the sick people could end up meaning twice the stress over being sick. And there could be logistical problems, like if you did want to meet up, you might not be able to because neither can be the one to travel. Or never having alone time cause you live with your families and can’t leave home easily. I have a friend who lives in the same city as me with CFS and we haven’t seen each other for over year because one of us is always too ill.

Idc how to brain retrain out of it when I’m not expecting it. Like today, I woke up feeling awful, and I was so confused. I felt good yesterday and just had a normal mellow day and couldn’t think of anything that could have caused it. But when I said that to my mom she reminded me how I had a fall out of a chair yesterday that pumped me with adrenaline. I didn’t hurt anything in the fall, I miraculously landed very well, but it really shook me. I had forgotten cause I just have adhd and I really don’t remember things, and I didn’t think much of it since I didn’t get hurt. But I’m sure she’s right because it’s the only explanation and it would also explain why I felt so good yesterday, because adrenaline always makes me feel good before it makes me feel worse. I just literally forgot and wasn’t thinking about it so I didn’t know to do anything to mitigate the PEM.

Today I socialized for the first time after crashing for a month and I’m just feeling so grateful and wanted to put it somewhere.

I’m grateful that I slept well and napped today to give me energy to say yes

I’m grateful that the food I ate, even though it broke my diet, didn’t make me feel worse

I’m grateful that my friend is a night owl like me and was down to drive across town at 10pm

I’m grateful that he talked with me like no time had passed even though it had been months

That he let me put my feet up on the dash to keep my heart rate low, that we got to sit down the ocean which calms my nervous system

That he somehow magically read when I was getting fatigued and made the executive decision to take me back home, so that I didn’t have to awkwardly tell him I was getting tired and needed to end it

I got to feel normal. I didn’t over extend myself or feel unsafe the whole time. This illness is hell but in this moment I feel so lucky.

A year ago when they were writing me letters and paying me visits and bringing me gifts I wouldn’t have believed it. But people only know how to respond to an immediate problem. People do not have good object permanence. Even the ones who I considered my closest friends now feel only like acquaintances, or dreams from an alternate timeline. There was just nothing to hold onto when I do not have a life.

I am not angry. I had a friend who became as ill as I am now. They are my best friend for my entire life, but even so it was hard to stay in touch as much as I would’ve liked (now it’s almost easier cause we’re both so sick we have the same needs). And that was as best friends. I don’t have any other friends with that kind of history or closeness. I can entirely see why it doesn’t work. It just doesn’t. We aren’t adapted to it. There are other things going on and I’m different now. Whether we are aware of it or not, many of us are uncomfortable around illness. It makes us sad to see our friends changed so we want to avoid them. I think only people who can become aware of this and actively fight against it are able to fight it.

I’m so grateful for my one friend who still sends me Instagram reels and never ever seems uncomfortable about my illness and jokes with me about it. I don’t know how long it will last but it’s one of the few ways I’m still able to feel some normalcy.

Air purifier. Dehumidifier. Daily Zyrtec. I just recently put dust mite covers on my bed and pillows and it didn’t help at all. I see no mold anywhere. I haven’t been opening my windows because I fear I’m also allergic to outside pollen. There is nowhere to sit in my room besides my bed so I can’t really tell if it’s just my bed or the whole room. It’s wool and latex on springs so I doubt there is mold there. I just know that I don’t feel like this out in the living room, except a little bit on one specific couch.

It’s getting absolutely unbearable. I can’t take nasal steroids because it gives me sleep disturbances. I come in here only to sleep but I just feel like I’m being biologically attacked. I wake up with my eyes literally pink like I have pinkeye. With or without my pillow. It’s got significantly worse the last few weeks. I remember last year around this time my allergies flared as well but I’d didn’t make the bedroom connection then. Im honestly just so lost what it could possibly be. If it’s pollen it doesn’t make sense why it only happens in my room. If it’s dust mites why doesn’t the cover and clean sheets help. If it’s mold why is it getting worse as the weather gets dryer and hotter. I’m in so much pain and barely sleeping.

Can washing machines cause mold allergies? Our machine has a very distinct damp smell. But it’s always had that so I don’t know why it would be worse now. Arg.

Sometimes I just cannot eat my MCAS safe foods. My MCAS safe foods are half the opposite of my autism safe foods. A lot of the foods I am able to stomach for my MCAS and autism both require lots of preparation. But when I’m flaring, I don’t have the energy to prepare. So I order food. I write this as my body breaks out in hives once again and my nose runs like crazy after I sank $30 out of my dwindling savings account because I’m off work due to the health stuff.

I’m audhd and I’m no good at tracking. I’ve tried many many times. But honestly sometimes things that were safe before break me out another time. And due to my intense all-or-nothing thinking this makes me think that everything is equally unsafe/safe. Even though that’s obviously not true.

I’m in a vicious cycle of feeling too crappy to eat or make my MCAS approved foods so then I eat foods that make me react and then I feel even crappier and less able to make food I can actually eat. Please don’t suggest that I get help because the truth is that my brain processes directing something else to prepare something as just as strenuous as doing it myself. Both are too much.

I just. Don’t want those foods. I’m already on my second “menu” of MCAS safe foods because I got so sick of the first. Now I’m sick of these too and I’m just too tired to come up with new ones. I don’t even know if there’s anything left. I’m too tired. So I keep poisoning myself. My eyes have been bright red and veiny the last few weeks, my nose is permanently red, my brain fog is at an all time high. I’m so dizzy after that meal I just ate. Idk what I was thinking. I just sometimes cannot bring myself to eat unless it’s the one specific thing my brain says I can and often it’s something horrible for me. :( worst part is I don’t even know which part broke me out if it was the meal or the drink I got with it. Last time it didn’t break me out. I can’t handle the constant switching of what’s safe for both my autism and my MCAS I just can’t keep up with both, plus the added layer of being too sick to cook, it’s impossible.

I’ve been having insane allergy symptoms at night, my face is turning redder and blotchier each day, my nose and throat are like sandpaper dry and parched, my eyeballs are bright pink and crusty and painful every morning, insanely itchy ears. I already take daily Zyrtec so I added a nasal steroid. Now I’m getting really scary hypnic jerks. The kind that genuinely makes you feel like it’s cardiac arrest every time. Like each time I gasp awake with my chest hurting and heart pounding thinking I’m dying. I don’t want to pile on more antihistamines if that’s what’s causing it, but I don’t want to keep suffering the allergy symptoms if that’s what causing it.