u/fourofkeys

i never received any formal notification that english access would be taken away or that they were purging their databases, but when i just did a search i found several posts on reddit saying they would be doing such.

the site has gone down for me before, but it was always restored within a few days. even now, the front page just says it's temporarily unavailable.

i haven't been able to log in in a week at this point. if you click on "LJ Home" on the temporarily unavailable page you land on, it does take you to a sign in page, but you can't go further than that. or at least i can't.

i found out yesterday.

i met this person when they were 15 or 16, and i was in my late 20s. they were just always there, volunteering at the bookstore i worked at, attending the same punk shows, friends with a lot of the same friends. i knew they had a bad home life and in the later years they turned to substances to cope. and because they liked it. they should have been medicated for a lot of things, but instead chose to self-medicate.

they were one of the first people i ever had to have a real heart to heart with in regard to emotional dumping. i told them that if they needed support, we could make a plan to have a real conversation, and that it wasn't okay to greet me at a party and just dump all of their trauma on me. they stopped talking to me for a few years after that. we never got close again, but they were a part of the fabric of my life. they offered me a place to live once in another city, and i would give them free coffees when they were broke at a barista job i worked at. they read their work at my book release because i asked them to. that was almost 10 years ago.

they moved to nyc even though they couldn't hold down a job and became homeless in the first year or two. they were looking for their blood family, their dad. but they had a falling out, i'm not sure over what (my guess is drug use). over the years i wound up venmoing them small amounts of money when they were really destitute and begging the internet for help. they disappeared from the internet for almost a year (it felt like a year at least--maybe it was closer to 6 months). i thought they were dead, but it turns out they were incarcerated at rikers.

about a week ago they posted an ig story asking for money again, saying that they were going to have to sleep outside and they were afraid to. then yesterday i got the news passively from someone's instagram story: they had died. i'm scared that they overdosed while dealing with the panic of the situation (sleeping outside). i didn't send them any money because i don't have it.

this person just constitutes the fabric of my life. i have a lot of memories of them, running into them outside of poetry readings or hardcore shows. them showing up at my work over and over again. we spent new years eve drinking at a local institution that doesn't exist anymore. i've spent a lot of years hoping and praying that they would somehow get the support that they needed.

i kind of knew this might be the outcome. they just turned 32 earlier in the month. i feel such a mixture of things. so sad for them, kind of angry that they stayed in nyc when they had no resources and could have used some of the money they crowdfunded over the years to relocate. but also, and this is really hard to type, i just don't know that they were meant to be in this world for very long. they were one of the most unique people i had ever met. smart as hell in the ways that you can't make money from unless you have a lot of connections, relationships. they couldn't hold onto their relationships for shit.

last year i lost another person i met while they were underage from punk shows and political spaces. they were my landlord, weirdly, and also in their early 30s. but their circumstances were so wildly different. i think they were also self-medicating, but they had soooooo many resources. and i woke up around midnight about a year ago to their partner having unsuccessfully narcanned them.

maybe a year or two before that i lost my dad, who was a lifelong alcoholic. my anger towards my dad informs a lot of my feelings about the other two. or maybe at least the person who was well resourced. i know addiction doesn't really care who you are, but i also know that if you have access to more resources, you are far more likely to live a life you don't constantly need to escape from. some people just don't want to escape. maybe the genetic component is too strong and beats the social component into submission, i don't know.

i got sober seven years ago. maybe kind of ironically, i thought of calling the friend who had just passed at one point because i wanted something stronger than weed and alcohol. my mom had just died by suicide and i think i was trying to destroy myself. i'm so glad i didn't. but it is just the strangest feeling to watch other people continue down that path.

i find myself asking questions that can't be answered: what does choice look like here? how come i got to stay sober? and the part of life that is hard is that i don't get to know. i can have ideas and that's kind of it.

thanks for reading if you've made it this far.

Every week I have to scroll past multiple complaining posts about blind boy talking about his autism and taking it so personally.

It used to be different you say, I loved his band, I haven't even listened to his podcast in years but I feel like complaining about him anyway.

Please consider that he is a person experiencing himself and the world, he is not a product. He's going to change and do things you don't like. He's not the same person he was 20 years ago, 10 years ago, etc Not everything is for everyone. You have an opportunity to say "you know what? This isn't for me anymore," and find something you DO like. Spend time on subreddits for things you DO enjoy.

Please, I can't stand the whining anymore. Get a new interest or hobby.

i am super late diagnosed, and realizing that some of the places i experience more anger/agitation are likely from overstimulation. one of the places this comes up for me a lot is while driving to/from work. it feels pretty bad to yell the entire way there and back, and i'm nervous about making it onto a reel of psychopaths behind the wheel.

are there ways others try to mitigate overstimulation in the car? sunglasses certainly help but other people's erratic behavior driving is a real trigger for me. i haven't figured out that one yet.

in the summer when i walk along budd bay in the morning, i frequently see a little cadre of pelicans flying overhead. they tend to circle the lake a few times and then head out over the bay. does anyone ever see them on the shoreline? just wondering where they hang out when they land.

i am entering rooms but it's not showing any indication that i've entered? in old school chatrooms, it at least will say something like "username joined xchat." also, nothing displays when i search for artists? is there a tutorial for using soulseek?

>!that "this isn't the first time this has happened" in relation to maggie suddenly leaving town because she had an affair with nate and then he died? does she often have affairs with married men? does this force her to relocate? !<

>!i am struggling with how much i dislike her character.!<

>!it's not just the cheating, it seems like everything she did after that was completely inappropriate, just inserting herself into situations that she should have given brenda a LOT of space in. !<

>!and to do that to someone who welcomed you into their home when your father was struggling and ruth was creating a lot of emotional distance. i am just so totally flummoxed at her. i guess i understand nate being overwhelmed with a complicated situation (pregnancy) and cheating with someone easy that he has no complex history with. i disagree with it and it kind of ruined my perception of nate, but i understand it. is she also running from her own loss of child and husband and just chasing the feeling of uncomplicated lust? but then it gets VERY complicated and she keeps showing up until she flees again.!<

my dogs nail trimmer is going on maternal leave this week for anywhere from 6-12 weeks. she is not a candidate for drop in nail appointments because she has to be on trazodone, wear a donut, and ideally be held by a second person (which is usually me). we had a series of unfortunate events in the last two months that lead to a lapse in trims, so waiting out the leave is not an option.

thanks in advance!

hi reddit,

i'm looking for fun and cheap lined notebooks in town. target has an incredible selection for back to school, but then has a super boring selection the rest of the year.

are there any places in town that carry cheap lined notebooks with fun covers?

hi there,

i am moving towards getting a book printed on ingramspark. i was wondering if anyone knows what it means for them to own your isbn? i imagine it's not like them owning a copyright on the actual work, but is it prohibitive of what you can do with the title?

question is in the title

i've been wearing only barefoot shoes for the last year, and i've been having some fatigue issues with my feet. i've always experienced some kind of burning after longer walks, but i thought of it as muscle building. and maybe it is, but i'm finding that not giving my feet a break means they are not recovering very well. i've developed a limp because of it and have woken up with my feet in pain several times in the last few weeks.

so today i went down to rei with the intention of just trying the altra escalantes. then i found out rei was having a 25% off sale, which was certainly motivating. i accidentally tried a size up and found that they fit me well, which means my feet grew an entire size in the last year. but also i felt instant relief. i wore them for half of my errands after i purchased them and my feet already feel wildly different: there's less pain. they also feel great and fit my feet perfectly, unlike the last pair of running shoes i owned.

i am really grateful to the number of folks in this sub who resist any kind of puritanical standard regarding barefoot shoes. i think i've read about people giving their feet breaks at least a handful of times in the last year. it's what made me feel like i didn't have to keep grueling through the foot pain. that might be why i'm also sharing this story.

okay hear me out,

i got into an argument about broken not being an album yesterday (it's an ep! it has changed formats and has been disguised as an album over time!) and started talking to my brother about that era of nin. i had forgotten a lot, and then started reading through articles.

i know a lot of people hate the musician biopic but i really think the years from phm through broken to tds are sooo interesting. they're full of drama, growth, struggle, success. trent was so influential in classic soundtracks, even making music for computer games. the tori amos stuff, the combativeness with his label, the pressure he was putting on himself. i think it could be (could being heavily contingent on other factors) so cool to see either a limited series or a longer movie about this time in his life. and we know it won't end with his tragic and untimely death, so it will just be a roller coaster ride that kind of gets off at some level of appreciation for the trail blazer he is.

okay fan hat off.

hey ya'll,

my dog has been struggling with an ongoing issue for a few months. the emergency and regular vet i took her to seemed to think it was manageable, but i am starting to feel like it's not and we need to take the next step, which is to get an mri. the vet said it's probable she will need surgery, but the mri is the first hurdle.

i can't afford this out of pocket and we don't have vet insurance. someone recommended that we look into funds for assistance programs. i'm staring at the concern for animals page and won't be able to call until monday, so i was wondering if anybody here knows what the income requirement looks like? or any other funding possibilities.

thanks in advance.

hi all,

i have a question about pet insurance.

my dog has gone to the emergency vet and to our regular vet for degenerative disc disease in the last four months.

i was unable to pay for an mri, and they suggested i get on pet insurance. degenerative disc disease gets worse over time (thus the name), and after she had two different rehab stints, she is clearly unable to walk more than a few blocks a day regularly without flare ups.

the pet insurance i got a quote for (pets best) says the insurance policy does not cover pre-existing conditions. that's confusing to me because both the emergency vet and our regular vet suggested it.

i'm going to call pets best tomorrow and ask more questions, but i'm afraid they'll flag me and we won't be able to afford treatment without it. her regular vet told me that she will likely need surgery in the near future, but they need the mri to confirm what they think they know.

has anybody been in this situation before?

thanks in advance.

hey all,

i am approaching the second summer in this apartment, and last year i thought i would try to ride it out without an a/c in part because i had just moved and i couldn't afford one. unfortunately, the sun cooks my apartment all day, and then 7p-4a the apt releases the heat. this means it's hotter at 1 am than at 6 pm in the unit. i was wildly uncomfortable and didn't get good sleep in late june until late sept.

SO, i am trying to figure out an a/c situation this summer. my apt is ~370 square feet, so i have mostly been eyeballing the ~350 foot units. i want something with a washable screen that is adjustable. i'd rather pay for something on the lower end but if the recommendation is good enough i'll consider something considered middle of the road in terms of price. i definitely can't go over $400.

i'm a little freaked that amazon won't ship a lot of the a/cs i've been looking at to my area, so bonus points if it's something that's not on that site.

has anything worked well for you?

I finally listened to Irish Goodbye and was wondering if anyone has a translation handy?

I lost my mom the same way and would love to know what the lyrics are saying.

Thanks in advance.