Fearing Hashem will end my relationship if I ask Him for help with it
I recently came out of the chareidi world and one of the things I'm really struggling with is trying to speak to Hashem about the gay relationship I'm now in. I have this intense fear that if I ask Him to help me with my relationship then He will just end it because "that's really what's best for me", it's like I still have it hard-wired into my brain that being gay is wrong, even though I dont believe it, and that Hashem will use my tefillos against me and take away the person I'm in love with, but I know Hashem isn't evil, chas veshalom, and doesn't play mind games. I'm just terrified of "getting what I asked for", I remember a rav once telling me that the best thing two gay people can do if they love each other is not be together because that's the greatest expression of love. Like hearing that was so traumatising and has seriously messed me up, like I obviously trusted him at the time and actually foolishly agreed with what he said. And now that I'm coming out of it all, it feels like everyone who loved me in the community only loved me for the version of myself that I showed them.
I just feel so alone in the world at the moment and I don't know how to find my way
If anyone has any advice I would be very grateful, and if anyone would be willing to maybe be friends with me and we can support each other through this stuff that would be amazing. My partner isn't Jewish so a lot of the chareidi stuff he really doesn't understand. Feel free to DM me if you'd be up to chat :)