u/freshstartap1

I’m getting married to this girl in 10 months iA, and she’s honestly a really good person. I trust her and I don’t think she’s disloyal at all. That’s not my concern.

The thing I’m struggling with is lifestyle compatibility.
For example, she’s going to a Juneteenth event that’s with one of her friends. I know it’s a party environment. I don’t think she’s going there to flirt or cheat or anything like that. I trust her.

The problem is… it just doesn’t sit right with me.
long-term I picture a marriage where both of us naturally avoid party-type environments (can’t become our “lifestyle” but once in a while is okay).

But here’s where I get confused.
If I’m being completely honest, if I had the right group of friends, I think I might go to the same kind of event. I’ve never really had that social circle, but I could see myself going for the music and the experience.

So then my brain starts asking:

Am I actually bothered because this conflicts with my values?

Or am I bothered because I don’t have that kind of social life myself?

Am I holding her to a standard I might not even hold myself to?

Or is this a legitimate compatibility issue?

I also worry that if this continues long-term, I’ll become resentful every time she goes to these kinds of events. But I can’t tell if that’s because we’re actually incompatible or because I have anxiety and tend to overthink relationships. Because honestly, for the most part, we are similar in islamic values, and we talk about the fact that we want to grow, Islamically, but sometimes i don’t see that, her justification is that it’s her last summer in NY with her girls, and after that she’ll be married and we’ll be busier. And honestly she’s not actually doing anything bad, she just likes different places than me I guess, but that scares me. But also mashallah she did have a very misaligned lifestyle in the past but, she has become a hijabi and HAS actually put in effort to change, but idk, i still get worried

I’m not looking to control her. I don’t want to tell her what she can or can’t do. I also don’t want to judge her or act morally superior.

I just genuinely can’t tell if this is:
relationship anxiety, a real values mismatch, insecurity,
or some combination of all three.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this? How did you figure out whether your discomfort was pointing to a real incompatibility versus something you needed to work through within yourself?

I’ve struggled with this for a long time, and I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar.

Growing up, I didn’t really have friends. Whenever I did have one or two, my family or cousins would make comments like, “Wow, he has friends?” or “It’s so interesting to see you talk to people.” They probably didn’t mean any harm, but it made me really self-conscious about my social life. Esp because i DID always want friends i genuinely try so hard to this day, but i it cant hold a conversation - thats a different topic though

Since then, I’ve always avoided things like birthday parties or celebrating myself because I’m embarrassed that people will realize I don’t really have friends.

My fiancé is throwing me a graduation party, and while I’m really grateful, I’m anxious because my extended family will notice that no friends are coming, this is my biggest fear

I know this probably sounds irrational, but I can’t shake the feeling of being judged or pitied.

Has anyone gotten over this kind of embarrassment? How do you stop tying your self-worth to the size of your social circle and actually enjoy being celebrated?

I’ve struggled with this for a long time, and I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar.

Growing up, I didn’t really have friends. Whenever I did have one or two, my family or cousins would make comments like, “Wow, he has friends?” or “It’s so interesting to see you talk to people.” They probably didn’t mean any harm, but it made me really self-conscious about my social life. Esp because i DID always want friends i genuinely try so hard to this day, but i it cant hold a conversation - thats a different topic though

Since then, I’ve always avoided things like birthday parties or celebrating myself because I’m embarrassed that people will realize I don’t really have friends.

My fiancé is throwing me a graduation party, and while I’m really grateful, I’m anxious because my extended family will notice that no friends are coming, this is my biggest fear

I know this probably sounds irrational, but I can’t shake the feeling of being judged or pitied.

Has anyone gotten over this kind of embarrassment? How do you stop tying your self-worth to the size of your social circle and actually enjoy being celebrated?

I’ve struggled with this for a long time, and I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar.

Growing up, I didn’t really have friends. Whenever I did have one or two, my family or cousins would make comments like, “Wow, he has friends?” or “It’s so interesting to see you talk to people.” They probably didn’t mean any harm, but it made me really self-conscious about my social life. Esp because i DID always want friends i genuinely try so hard to this day, but i it cant hold a conversation - thats a different topic though

Since then, I’ve always avoided things like birthday parties or celebrating myself because I’m embarrassed that people will realize I don’t really have friends.

My fiancé is throwing me a graduation party, and while I’m really grateful, I’m anxious because my extended family will notice that no friends are coming, this is my biggest fear

I know this probably sounds irrational, but I can’t shake the feeling of being judged or pitied.

Has anyone gotten over this kind of embarrassment? How do you stop tying your self-worth to the size of your social circle and actually enjoy being celebrated?

I’ve struggled with this for a long time, and I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar.

Growing up, I didn’t really have friends. Whenever I did have one or two, my family or cousins would make comments like, “Wow, he has friends?” or “It’s so interesting to see you talk to people.” They probably didn’t mean any harm, but it made me really self-conscious about my social life. Esp because i DID always want friends i genuinely try so hard to this day, but i it cant hold a conversation - thats a different topic though

Since then, I’ve always avoided things like birthday parties or celebrating myself because I’m embarrassed that people will realize I don’t really have friends.

My fiancé is throwing me a graduation party, and while I’m really grateful, I’m anxious because my extended family will notice that no friends are coming, this is my biggest fear

I know this probably sounds irrational, but I can’t shake the feeling of being judged or pitied.

Has anyone gotten over this kind of embarrassment? How do you stop tying your self-worth to the size of your social circle and actually enjoy being celebrated?

I’ve struggled with this for a long time, and I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar.

Growing up, I didn’t really have friends. Whenever I did have one or two, my family or cousins would make comments like, “Wow, he has friends?” or “It’s so interesting to see you talk to people.” They probably didn’t mean any harm, but it made me really self-conscious about my social life. Esp because i DID always want friends i genuinely try so hard to this day, but i it cant hold a conversation - thats a different topic though

Since then, I’ve always avoided things like birthday parties or celebrating myself because I’m embarrassed that people will realize I don’t really have friends.

My fiancé is throwing me a graduation party, and while I’m really grateful, I’m anxious because my extended family will notice that no friends are coming, this is my biggest fear

I know this probably sounds irrational, but I can’t shake the feeling of being judged or pitied.

Has anyone gotten over this kind of embarrassment? How do you stop tying your self-worth to the size of your social circle and actually enjoy being celebrated?

I’ve struggled with this for a long time, and I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar.

Growing up, I didn’t really have friends. Whenever I did have one or two, my family or cousins would make comments like, “Wow, he has friends?” or “It’s so interesting to see you talk to people.” They probably didn’t mean any harm, but it made me really self-conscious about my social life. Esp because i DID always want friends i genuinely try so hard to this day, but i it cant hold a conversation - thats a different topic though

Since then, I’ve always avoided things like birthday parties or celebrating myself because I’m embarrassed that people will realize I don’t really have friends.

My fiancé is throwing me a graduation party, and while I’m really grateful, I’m anxious because my extended family will notice that no friends are coming, this is my biggest fear

I know this probably sounds irrational, but I can’t shake the feeling of being judged or pitied.

Has anyone gotten over this kind of embarrassment? How do you stop tying your self-worth to the size of your social circle and actually enjoy being celebrated?

I have known my partner since 2025, and iA we are close to getting married in March 2027 alhumdullilah.

She had a misaligned lifestyle up until 2024 which was always hard for me to accept, but it doesn’t matter to me too much as she has worked really hard to turn it around, and alhumdullilah we are mostly aligned now and are on the right path I would say.

However, one thing that has always bothered me is that “she is at peace” with her past lifestyle, like yes she changed completely and I know Allah is the most forgiving, but she doesn’t actually feel that much guilt of that lifestyle and trail of sins, and hasn’t particularly asked for forgiveness regarding those things.

I’m comfortable with where she is at now, but I always wonder if she will be forgiven even though she hasn’t particularly asked for forgiveness, bc iA I really want us both to reach jannah one day - even though I’m not one to say whether we will make it or not - but I hope whoever’s reading can understand where I’m coming from!

Jazakallah