u/gee_hiroshi6

maybe i do need to take a break from awareness. i sat and thought about it. i think i'm using activism for CSA/CSAM as another way to try to shift my attention away from a recovered memory of a CSA event that i had recently recalled. then my relapse and now me going on and on about awareness. i've done it mostly on instagram. story after story, repost after repost, comment after comment. interaction after interaction. it all kept me busy in a way nothing else really has been. had my blinders on. i did step away to do shit with my bf. i started thinking about that CSA event again. i was aware enough that i'm in a dark place with it, but i couldn't stop 🤦‍♂️ i'm always like this, i rather avoid myself and just everything. i am not as strong as much as i like to present myself and i really wish i was. now i feel so weak and useless. i feel if i stop with the awareness i'm betraying all, and that guilt gets to me. especially with the last post i made here. idk what to do anymore. i knew i was off and i just kept ignoring it

maybe i do need to take a break from awareness. i sat and thought about it. i can't sleep rn so. i think i'm using activism for CSA/CSAM as another way to try to shift my attention away from a recovered memory of a CSA event that i had recently recalled. then my relapse and now me going on and on about awareness. i've done it mostly on instagram. story after story, repost after repost, comment after comment. interaction after interaction. it all kept me busy in a way nothing else really has been. had my blinders on. i did step away to do shit with my bf. i started thinking about that CSA event again. i was aware enough that i'm in a dark place with it, but i couldn't stop 🤦‍♂️ i'm always like this, i rather avoid myself and just everything. i am not as strong as much as i like to present myself and i really wish i was. now i feel so weak and useless. i feel if i stop with the awareness i'm betraying all, and that guilt gets to me. especially with the last post i made here. idk what to do anymore. i knew i was off and i just kept ignoring it

chat, i'm going crazy. why tf are people wanting to normalize being a pdf and fictional CSAM so badly. i can't take ts. i'll say it once, i'll say it till i'm fcking dead. you shouldn't draw children sexualized. no child should be sexualized, real and fictional. a real pdf is drawing ts and a real pdf will use it on real children to normalize their sick festishes onto children. ts effects reality and fcking sick and tired of people pretending it doesn't and making excuses for ts. happened to me, happens to children all the time. if you're disregarding ts or saying "focus on real children" TS EFFECTS REAL CHILDREN AND IF YOU CARED YOU'D KNOW 🤦‍♂️ ts just fills me with rage. or the deflection of "there's bigger issues" oh i'm sorry you can't focus and tackle more than one at a time ffs

EDIT: i am not at all comparing real CSAM to fictional, they're obviously not the same in any aspect. it's just what the rules said to change it to. i'm sorry. i care about the levels in which preds groom children. every aspect. i care about it all. venting creatively doesn't apply here, i do that myself. i'm all for that. venting and blatant fetishization are totally different

how tf do you not feel guilty for having to abstain cause you mentally can't take s3x atm? cause every time i do i feel guilty. outside of these moments, it's in abundance. the second i can't, the guilt does get to me and reassurance doesn't help. i've asked this in therapy but it's always just "don't be hard on yourself" and that's it. i can't help but compare it with how easy i used to be and my past and that i feel i owe that much. i know it's dmb but how i feel 🤦‍♂️ i can't handle touch because of a resurfaced memory and the other night i tried and pushed myself, i spiraled into a relapse. don't want that to happen again

i recently recalled an event of CSA that was really brutal and i can't push it out and it's killing me. idk what to do. my mind did back in december when it tried to resurface and i forgot but was completely off and my panic attacks got bad again. i didn't know why and that frustrated me. knowing now, it's no better 🤦‍♂️ worse really. i binge drank but that doesn't last forever. trying my best not do relapse on worse stuff. i just want to forget again

i recently recalled an event of abuse that was really brutal and i can't push it out and it's killing me. idk what to do. my mind did back in december when it tried to resurface and i forgot but was completely off and my panic attacks got bad again. i didn't know why and that frustrated me. knowing now, it's no better 🤦‍♂️ worse really. i binge drank but that doesn't last forever. trying my best not do relapse on worse stuff. i just want to forget again.

living shouldn't hurt this much and the expectations to fight through it doesn't make it any better. why should i? "for yourself" don't care. "others" tired of that. i constantly feel like a sick dog that needs to be taken out back and shøt

idk i feel pressured just live in a life i'm sick of and it's like nothing is getting better. my main reason was for my bf and nephew but even that isn't doing much anymore. in turn that just adds to my guilt 🤦‍♂️

the happiest i've been is drunk or using i try to think of all the times it has ruined me, yet i still miss being so gone i couldn't think, can't lie. i've lost people from both alcoholism and drug addiction but that didn't sway me at all to be 100% clean. i understood them. it's didn't scare me off at all. i've had urges to use again on and off and ts is killing me. i'm trying my best. i feel me drinking is better than me doing some lines 🤷‍♂️ i just hate hiding how sad i currently am from the people in my life. been masking that again out of some kind of guilt. i'm just so tired. i remembered something and why i started getting worse in december, was about my SA as a kid. been kinda bed rotting since. had to convince my bf i was just psychically ill after having a moment i didn't wanna have. i don't think he believes me but i'm glad he's acting like it's true. i hate ts and i hate myself

the happiest i've been is drunk or using i try to think of all the times it has ruined me, yet i still miss being so gone i couldn't think, can't lie. i've lost people from both alcoholism and drug addiction but that didn't sway me at all to be 100% clean. i understood them. it's didn't scare me off at all. i've had urges to use again on and off and ts is killing me. i'm trying my best. i feel me drinking is better than me doing some lines 🤷‍♂️ i just hate hiding how sad i currently am from the people in my life. been masking that again out of some kind of guilt. i'm just so tired. i remembered something and why i started getting worse in december, was about my SA as a kid. been kinda bed rotting since. had to convince my bf i was just psychically ill after having a moment i didn't wanna have. i don't think he believes me but i'm glad he's acting like it's true. i hate ts and i hate myself

was having a great time this week till i went to group where i have to talk about how being touch as a child effects me still i may quit, i feel like it's doing damage. i just feel like it'll be another personal failure and i hate that 🤦‍♂️ the sense of community was nice but not a fair tradeoff. ngl caused me to binge drink last night

this morning i flushed all my psych meds. don't need em. i feel fine, joyous even. i don't see how it's wrong to want to handle it on my own. i'm sick of feeling like a psych patient, even in my own home. i told my bf and even though he won't say it i know he's mad but i don't feel heard. 'you're ill' 'you're delusional' from my friend. i just want to be normal. i just want to have a good day, what's wrong with that? 🤷‍♂️ i'm fine. my bf has me contacting my provider and all to try and get more cause i flushed the rest of this months supply. idk i feel no one is hearing what i'm saying and throwing my mental illness in my face. i even got accused of taking harder drugs by my friend when i have been staying away from all that

i'm on a cocktail of psych meds, i do 1on1 and group therapy. i cut back on my drinking, my smoking, try doing more. yet i feel i'm not getting any better. i know it takes time to heal, but for me, time doesn't heal, it rots. that i'm at a point none of this seems worth it. i only try for the few people in my life but that's just not cutting it anymore.

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group therapy leaves me feeling more hopeless than anything. it's a men's survivor group i joined a few months back. thought it would be good for me, so did my therapist. idk anymore